03x13 - Why You Crying?

[bunniefuu]

Hey, daddy.

Hey.
What´s that?

Oh, it´s one of mom´s
la marie headache masks.

Yeah? So that stuff
gets rid of headaches?

Let´s see if it works.

No, the pain´s
still there.

Well, I got my own
headache medicine.

[ Snaps ]

It´s also good for
arthritis and depression...

Possible side effects --

Waking up in a field with
your panties on your head.

George, come here.

We just got an e-mail
from max´s school.

Wait a minute.

Okay, i´m ready.

It´s from his teacher,
mrs. Reynolds.

She wants to come to the house
to discuss max´s behavior.

What do you think
he did?

Oh, angie,
does it matter?

I´m sailin´ on a
cool wave of lavender!

I don´t even
have any kids!

George,
this is serious.

Or a wife.

Hi, mom.

Guys, wait outside for a minute.
We need to talk to max.

Oh, it´s okay, guys.

If it´s what happened
at school, they already know.

It was just a joke.

Max...what did you do?

I stuck a pencil up my nose.
Here...

Ooh!

Max!
Ketchup?

Oh, yeah.

Sweet!

You did that in class?

Yeah.

Miss reynolds freaked out
and fell back on the globe.

Did you know two-thirds
of the earth

Is covered
by miss reynolds´ butt?

We do not
high-five bad behavior.

We should be
high-fiving good deeds.

Like today --

I helped an old man to his car
at the grocery store, huh?

George...
I don´t get it --

Do you squeeze it
from the bottom

Or do you use the pencil
and push it out?

Maybe you should wait outside.
I need to talk to your dad.

I don´t like
what´s happening with max.

He´s getting
a real mouth on him,

And now he´s starting
to act out.

Come on, angie,
he´s just being a boy.

When I was his age, I pulled
all kinds of stupid pranks.

[ Chuckles ]

One time, I hid a dead shrimp
in the lining of ernie´s jacket.

That´s not funny.

It´s not funny

When your friend is running
the bases in kickball,

And all the cats
are chasing him,

And everybody in the school
is yelling "go, stinky, go!"?

[ Laughs ]

That´s not funny?

I don´t know
who I married.

Hey, hey, hey.

Why don´t you three
go play in the front?

It´s my yard.
I can play here if I want.

Okay, okay...here.

Why don´t we play
a new game?

It´s called "get the ball
from the neighbor´s rottweiler."

You know,
I got a better idea.

Why don´t you take
your tired ass home?

Max, are you all right?

Benny!

Angie, I got it.

Come on, honey,
let´s go inside.

Hey, you don´t hit max!

George, you didn´t hear
what he said to me.

He told me to take
my tired...butt home.

He´s lucky
I didn´t have a pool cue.

I´ll deal with him later.

Okay, but you don´t
hit my son ever!

What´s wrong with you?

What, now that
i´m grown up

You need somebody else
to smack around?

Please -- I never hit you.

What?!

You used to
hit me all the time.

At the clothes for less,

You used to pull me in
the dressing room and hit me

So the cameras
wouldn´t see.

Come on, let´s go inside.

[ Imitating benny ]
it didn´t fit.

All right, so I smacked you
a few times.

You turned out all right.

"You turned out all right."
That´s your answer?

Look, my head was never
supposed to be this big.

This is all swelling!

George, you´re lucky.

You don´t know how many times I
wanted to hit you, and I didn´t.

You know, I said
I would never hit a woman.

You get one more hair on that
chin, and i´m taking you down.

Get out!

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

Oh, angie, i´m so sorry I missed
the meeting with max´s teacher,

But we got caught up with
this big fuselage, turbine,

Adaptor...thing.

Right, ernie?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, basically, there was
an expl*si*n and a fire,

And I was trapped
underneath my machine,

And george
pulled me out by my feet.

And that´s why
we´re late.

I knew you´d try
to get out of this,

So I told you
the wrong time on purpose.

Max´s teacher
should be here any minute.

You lied to me?

Well, I think i´m too upset
to go to the meeting now.

Hey, hey...

Your mother´s here.

She better be coming
to apologize to max.

Are you kidding?

When I was six, she hit me
with the car in the driveway

And never apologized.

She ran you over, and
she didn´t say she was sorry?

Nope.

She just cracked the window
and said "why you crying?

"You know where
I park the car.

Walk right, show off!"

And I was like...

[ Laughs ]
now, I remember that.

There was a big dent in the car
with black hair in it,

And she told the whole
neighborhood she hit a bear.

Are you here
to apologize to max?

I came over to find out

When my son´s gonna stop
acting like a big baby

And let me back
in the car pool.

Right now.
My car´s in the garage.

Why don´t you go start it,
mom, and wait for me?

You know what?

Max should be apologizing
to me for what he said.

He will, because
george and I talked to him.

And we took away tv
for a month.

Wow.

A month without
the stupid talking sponge --

That´s gonna hurt!

You don´t hit my kid.

You know, I just gave him
a little smack.

It´s not like i´m
the only one in the world.

Trust me -- nobody is giving
their kid a time-out in china.

Well, actually,
children in china

Are a lot more respectful
of their elders,

So a time-out
would probably work.

On the other hand, if they have
more than one infant girl,

They smother them.

So you got
your good and your bad.

Thanks for the beer,
george.

Do you have any idea
what you did to max?

Look, angie, forget it.
You´re wasting your time.

No! You humiliated him
in front of his friends,

And worse, you hit him
in his identity.

No, I am pretty sure
that´s about two feet lower.

No. This -- this is who
you are in the world --

How you connect
to everyone around you.

And when you hit
a child here,

It´s like you´re
hitting who he is.

I didn´t know that.

Look...

You made my identity
all sad.

Get out, mom.

And don´t come back till
you´re ready to apologize.

Mom, dad,
max´s teacher´s here.

All right, you´re never
gonna see me again.

Oh, no,
i´ll see you again.

I´m sure one day i´ll get
a call from the morgue

To come by
and identify you.

That´s her...she´s cold.

Why don´t we wrap her around
the keg and start this party?

[ Pounding on window ]

Mrs. Reynolds, you remember
my husband george?

Actually, I don´t think i´ve
ever seen you at school before.

I didn´t even know you
were married, angie.

Come on, you don´t remember me
at all those school plays?

Back row, third seat
from the aisle?

Maybe this will help...

[ Snoring ]

Did we score?

Now you see where my son
gets his sense of humor.

Ah.

Mrs. Reynolds,
we´re really sorry

About what max did
with the pencil up his nose.

Thank you for that,
but there is a bigger problem

Than the fact that the children
now call me "earth butt."

[ Laughs ]

That´s not funny.
It´s hurtful.

Max has been acting out to
get his classmates´ attention,

And I think that
he´s doing this

Because he´s falling
so far behind academically.

Falling behind academically?
¿Estás loca?

Hey!

We know max has gotten
a few bad grades,

But he is still struggling
with his dyslexia.

It´s not just
a couple of bad grades.

I mean, he´s turning in
blank pages.

He´s not even trying.

Right now, max is at
the bottom of my class.

Well, if he slipped
so far behind,

Why did you wait so long
to talk to us?

I didn´t --
I sent home a note.

He brought it back signed.

I never signed a note.

Nor did i.

It´s mrs. Lopez´s
signature.

Oh, thank god.
Look what you did.

I don´t believe this.
He forged it!

I´m worried that max´s behavior
is only going to get worse,

So I think what he
needs to do

Is to sign this
school-work contract.

It says that he´ll do
his work, and if he doesn´t,

It spells out
the consequences.

"May retain"?

Wait, wait...
You might flunk him?

No, don´t think of it
that way.

Think of it as
a year-long opportunity

To review the material.

Yeah, he might flunk.

Well, that´s
not gonna happen.

We´ll work with max every
night if that´s what it takes.

That´s right. He´s not
gonna fail the fifth grade.

No one in my family has ever
failed the fifth grade.

If this was the sixth grade
or the seventh...

Or a sobriety checkpoint,

We´d be having
a different conversation.

But this is the fifth grade,
damn it,

And this is where
the lopezes shine.

And if you don´t believe me,
sabes qué, red hair?

I´ll take that --
george!

Max, get down here!

Now it makes sense why max
was acting this way --

Why he mouthed off
to benny.

How did I not
see this coming?

Maybe I was
working too much.

I should have been
on top of this.

Well, i´m glad you said that,
´cause coming from me,

That might have
sounded ugly.

Max, what´s this?

It´s a piece of paper
with mom´s signature.

Oh, no! I´m falling behind
academically!

Why didn´t you show me
this note?

Cut the crap.

We just met
with mrs. Reynolds,

And she said you´re behind
in all your schoolwork,

And that
you´re not even trying.

Max, if your grades
don´t improve,

They´re gonna
hold you back a year.

So?

You´ll lose
all your friends.

They´ll all move on.

I won´t lose my friends.
They think i´m funny.

Well then, you should keep
failing and failing,

Because you know what´s
really hilarious?

An 80-year-old fifth grader
trying to play hide-and-seek.

Look...

This is a contract
from your teacher.

It says you promise to work hard
for the rest of the year,

And we want you
to sign it.

But I don´t
care about school.

I shouldn´t even
have to go.

Don´t walk away
from me.

You are going to
sign this contract,

And then you´re gonna
start doing your homework.

What´s the point?
It´s too hard!

What´s the point?
Wh --

Let me handle this.

Look...

I know school´s hard,
but you still have to go.

Why?

Because what kind of job
are you gonna get

If you don´t go to school?

I could be
a pro skateboarder.

Really?

´Cause I don´t see a lot of pro
skaters coming into the house

Saying "mommy, my elbow --
kiss it!"

Okay...

But I could still work
at a skate shop.

So you make a couple
hundred bucks a month.

A couple hundred bucks?
That´s awesome!

I mean, I could get
a cool car, a big house...

You can´t get a car
and a house on your salary.

I mean, you could if you moved
into a bad neighborhood.

Then i´ll live
in a bad neighborhood.

Ooh, but they just
stole your car.

No way.

You could
run after ´em.

Yeah, i´ll get it back.

Ooh, man,
you just got sh*t.

Dad, I know what your doing,
but you´re not gonna trick me.

I´m never gonna
be good at school.

I´m just stupid!

Look -- you are
not stupid!

You have
a learning disability.

Look -- I know
what you´re going through.

When I was in school,

I remember taking tests
and just sitting there,

Because I didn´t
understand any of it.

And I had to work twice
as hard as the other kids

Just to get by.

And I could have dropped out,
but I didn´t.

Because no one in our family had
ever graduated from high school,

And I wanted
to be the first one.

And I was!

Gee...so if I work hard
and graduate high school,

I can get some loser job
at a factory like you?

You know what?
I don´t care.

All right,
do whatever you want.

I give up on you.

Hey, max.
Got a minute?

People know i´m out here.

Listen, if you hadn´t mouthed
off, I wouldn´t have hit you.

Well, that´s the way
I was raised, okay?

Things
were different then.

What we called "discipline"
is now child abuse.

Keeping an eye on your man...
Is now stalking.

Hell, back then,
"no" meant "yes."

Well, at least it did
to me. [ Laughs ]

Okay, never mind.

I guess what
i´m trying to say is...

Here´s a 20 --
are we cool?

Yeah, we´re cool.
I´m sorry for what I said.

Ah, forget it.
We all say stupid things.

Hey, grandma?

Yeah?

Did your dad ever say
he gave up on you?

Where´d that come from?

I´m messing up in school, and
dad said he´s giving up on me.

Wow.

You know, my dad might have
b*at me like an old blanket,

But he never
gave up on me.

That is cold, dude.

You know, you might want
to get your crap together.

Angie: george!

You gotta see this.

Yeah, I know.

The sky is pink,
orange, and red.

It´s the most beautiful
sunset ever.

I love you, too.
I´m watching a hockey fight.

It´s max.

What now?

Come on.

What are you doing?

My homework.

Yeah?

I´m not gonna be
held back.

Don´t give up on me.

Oh, man.

Look, max,
i´m sorry I said that.

Okay, I was angry.

I´d never give up
on you, son.

I believe in you.
I have faith in you.

Now sign this
legally binding contract.

You know, I still hate school,
but i´m not gonna let you down.

We´re not gonna
let you down, either.

´Cause a family´s only
as smart as its dumbest child,

So let´s make that
carmen again.

Hey!

Quiet!
I´m teaching here.

And we´re gonna help you out,
´cause if you fail, we fail.

I´m gonna
change my schedule.

I´ll work with you after school
on mondays and tuesdays.

And wednesdays, I can blow off
happy hour at thirsty´s

And come straight home
to help.

You go to happy hour
at thirsty´s?

If you´re gonna use that tone,
you´re damn right I don´t!

What are you
doing here, mom?

Oh, relax. We´re a big,
happy family again.

Max and I are fine.

Did she apologize
to you?

No.

But she gave me
20 reasons to get over it.

You just paid him off?

Yep.

You can´t do that!
You can´t just buy family.

All those celebrity
lesbians do it.

Okay, if you pay him
$20 a hit,

You must owe me,
like, $600,000.

Shut your big, fat
identity hole.

I accidentally threw out your
favorite raiders jersey.

I´ll get another one.

My mom´s having
her house tented,

So she might have to
stay with us for a week.

I´ll buy more beer.

Remember that time
we went to the lake,

And it rained the whole weekend,
and we stayed in the room?

[ Seductively ]
yeah?

I lost that video we made.

What?!

Time for
a new mask, baby.

Ahh!