03x15 - God Needles George

[bunniefuu]

Dad, have you seen
mr. Needles?

I can´t find him
anywhere.

I haven´t seen him.

I´m worried. He didn´t eat
any of the food in his bowl.

Pour a little bacon fat
in his food.

My mom used to do that
with my dog.

He´d lick the bowl clean.

Maybe that´s why he d*ed
when he was 3.

I just found mr. Needles
hiding under the couch.

He doesn´t look so good.

You know what?

I think I should
call the vet.

No, not dr. Lispy.
Every time we go to that guy,

He always finds something
wrong with mr. Needles

Just so he can charge us
a fortune.

George, he´s not
making things up.

That dog has been
through a lot

With the diabetes,
the cataracts,

The heart murmur.

He didn´t have a heart murmur.
It just skipped a b*at

When he saw that giant
thermometer heading south.

Fine. I won´t call
dr. Lispy.

But I am taking the phone
into the other room

For a couple minutes.
I may take the dog out

For a little while later,

And there may be a bill
from the vet.

But you won, george.
You won again.

Darn your strength.

You know, if you don´t want
to spend any money,

You can do what my uncle did
when he was sick.

Ernie, i´m not going to k*ll
a chicken to save a dog.

No, my other uncle.

See, basically, he had a cyst
the size of a grapefruit.

So he prayed for a miracle.

He promised god
that if it went away,

He´d go to mexico
and crawl on his knees

Up the cobblestone path
that leads

To the church of the virgin
of guadalupe.

A month later,
that cyst was gone.

Ivámanos, cyst!
[ Speaks spanish ]

He can see mr. Needles
in half an hour.

You know, when I was a kid,
we didn´t go to the vet.

My mom just waited
till it got dark

And then we took that dog
for a ride.

That is so mean.

No, it wasn´t. We always dropped
him off in a good neighborhood.

They had street lights...

All the cars were painted
one color...

Nobody was selling corn.

When my mom opened the door,
I should´ve jumped out.

Angie. Stop cradling that dog
like he´s a child.

If the doctor sees that,
he´s going to get us

For as much money
as he can.

But I do consider mr. Needles
one of our children.

That´s just ´cause carmen
set the bar so low.

I´m sorry I kept
you folks waiting.

And, frankly, I wish
I had better news.

How much?

Stop it. We´re not
shopping for a car.

Yeah, but he might be.

Mr. Needles has a tumor
in his stomach.

Oh, my baby.

It´s already shown signs
of spreading,

But he has a slim chance
if we operate quickly.

How much?

Well, that depends
on a lot of things.

But you can´t put a price
on a family member.

Oh, yeah?

My son -- 5 grand.

My daughter --

$2,200.

My mom -- free,
if you tow her away.

Dr. Lispy, how much will
the operation cost?

Around $3,000.

$3,000! That loco!
$3,000!

Are there any other
options?

Well, if you decide
against the operation,

The humane thing to do

Would be
to put mr. Needles to sleep.

I´m sorry, baby.

Why don´t you take a night
to think about it?

You can leave him here,
and we´ll keep an eye on him.

How much does
that cost?

Well, that depends
on a lot of variables.

If you want him to have his
own room, a private nurse...

How much?
$150.

No way! For 150 bucks,

I can get him a hotel room
and a hot poodle

And send him off
in style!

[ Speaks spanish ]...
All night long!

What are you
doing tonight?

♫ All my friends ♫

♫ Know the low rider ♫

♫ The low rider ♫

♫ Is a little higher ♫

George: angie, I don´t
want the dog to die.

But 3 grand?

What if one of the kids
gets sick or hurt?

You know, carmen´s going
to be driving next year.

Pretty soon, we´ll be paying
for smashed fenders

And street signs,
old people, coffee shops.

"Was I going the wrong way?

I thought everyone was waving
at me because I look so good."

[ Imitates truck horn ]

When we took that dog in,
we made a commitment

To take care of him,
no matter what.

And we have. I mean, we nursed
that dog through diabetes

And mange...

Erupting tail acne...

If I had all that stuff,
angie, i´d be begging you

To bury me in the backyard.

If I had to dig a hole
big enough for your head,

I´d rather put in a pool.

Look, angie,
you heard the vet.

Even with the operation,
there´s a good chance

That the disease
has already spread.

I know you´re upset, but I don´t
think we have a choice here.

You want me to tell max?

No, i´ll do it.

What are you doing to say?

I don´t know. I guess
I could use the speech

I prepared
for my mom´s death.

I just won´t start it
with,

"The reason i´m drinking
champagne is because..."

Hey, buddy,
where´s mr. Needles?

He was gassy, so I put him
in carmen´s room.

Look, we gotta talk.

Mr. Needles has a tumor
in his stomach.

I´m sorry, son, but it doesn´t
look like he´s going to make it.

But...he´s been sick
before.

He always gets better.

Not this time, max.

Mr. Needles
is in a lot of pain.

You don´t want him
to go through that, do you?

No.

And neither do we, so...

Tomorrow, we´re going
to take him to the vet and...

End his suffering.

So we still got
one more night.

He might get better.

I don´t think
that´s going to happen, son.

It could.

God, if you save mr. Needles,
i´ll...

I´ll be nice to carmen
for a whole month.

Aren´t you going to pray?

Okay. Sure.

I hope mr. Needles
gets better,

But i´m not expecting
anything.

Dad!

I just don´t want you
to get your hopes up.

But you heard ernie.

Praying worked for his uncle.

Okay.

[ Groans ]

Again, i´m not
expecting anything.

But, god,

If you make mr. Needles
get better,

I will crawl up
the cobblestone path

To that church in mexico.

Thanks, dad.

Okay.

Just remember,

If the prayers
don´t work,

Mr. Needles will go
straight to heaven,

And he´ll be able to run again
and lift his leg and pee...

And he´ll be that feisty
little guy he was

Before he got neutered.

Really?

Yep.

Every time a bell rings,
son,

Another dog gets back
his huevos.

[ Barking ]

I´m telling you,
mr. Needles is better.

He´s been like this
all day.

He did finish
all his food this morning.

Look, you two
are breaking my heart.

This is a very,
very sick dog.

Does that look sick
to you?

He´s so sad, angie,
he´s kissing his ass goodbye.

Dogs know.

He knows.

Okay, uh, we took
more x-rays

Like mrs. Lopez
requested.

Listen, we can´t find
the tumor.

It´s just...

Disappeared.

I told you!

Whoa, wait, wait,
wait a minute,

What do you mean
"disappeared"?

Take a look for yourself
at the x-rays.

Yesterday, tumor.
Today...

No tumor.

And you can tell
it´s the same dog

Because he swallowed
this heart-shaped earring.

Oh, i´ve been looking
for that.

And I think you´ll be
finding it very soon.

Doctor, how does a tumor
just disappear?

If I had to guess,

I´d say it´s a miracle.

God heard us.
The prayers worked.

What are you talking about?

I promised god
i´d be nice to carmen

If he saved mr. Needles.

Dad made a promise, too.

What did you promise?

Ha. Not--
nothing, really.

He has to crawl on his knees
to some church in mexico.

Really?

What are you doing
up there?

You know, if you´re listening
to me now,

I want two more wishes.

It doesn´t work
that way.

What do you know?
You´ve never saved a dog.

How is mr. Needles?

He´s doing great.

Dad, when are you going
to mexico

And go crawl
on your knees?

You know what?

God came to me last night
in a vision.

I don´t have to go anymore.

Yeah?

What´d he say?

It was all a big mix-up.

It turns out he was trying
to save some dog in china --

Mr. Noodles.

That is the lamest excuse
i´ve ever heard.

Wait till tomorrow.

You know you can´t
put this off forever.

Max is going to bug you
about this every day

For the rest
of your life.

Angie, I can´t go to mexico
and crawl on my knees.

Ernie told me the path
to that church

Is a mile of rough
cobblestones.

Well, you should´ve thought
about that

Before you made a promise
to god in front of your son.

I thought the dog
was on his way out!

And now i´m being punished
for trying to comfort my boy?

What kind of sick game
is this?

It´s not a game.

What happened with that dog
is a miracle.

Come on, don´t tell me
you believe that.

Angie: then you explain it.

I can´t. I also can´t explain
why martin sheen is a latino,

But that doesn´t
make sense, either.

Fine. Blow off god,
but don´t blame me

When your hands turn
to serpents

And start biting
your face.

Sss -- ow! Sss -- ow!
Sss -- ow! Sss -- ow!

Look, angie, please,

If god punished everyone who
broke his promise to him

The world would be filled
with w*r and famine.

It is.

Dad´s right.

People make promises
all the time,

And they never
follow through.

Jason promised to take me
to a movie tonight,

Then just blew me off
at basketball practice.

But I couldn´t say anything,
´cause if i´m mad at him,

He might break up with me,
and all I want to do

Is keep being
jason mcnamara´s girlfriend!

I might go to mexico

Just to get the hell
out of the house.

[ Mutters in spanish ]

If you don´t follow through
with this

And anything happens
to mr. Needles,

Max will never forgive you.

I can never do nothing
in this house.

They´re all crazy
in there.

Why do you think
i´m out here?

Let´s see --

Smoke or talk to angie?

Well, they both
shorten my life.

But, you know,

The tax on these
helps pay for public schools.

This one´s for the kids.

I´m not going to go
to mexico and crawl on my knees.

Oh, george, it doesn´t matter
if you actually go

As long
as max thinks you went.

Ma, i´m not going
to lie to him.

Why not?

He´ll never find out.

George, remember when
you were little

And I took you
to disneyland?

Yeah.

It was just a carnival

In a church parking lot.

But there was
disney characters there.

Nope, nope.

Those dwarves
you were hugging --

They were just dwarves.

I can´t believe
you did that.

George, come on.

We were broke.
I wanted you to be happy.

It worked, didn´t it?

I guess.

What about sea world
with the lobster t*nk

And that really good
garlic bread?

Let´s not
go down this road.

Hey, what are
you doing?

I thought you were
supposed to be down in mexico.

As far as max knows,
I am.

What?

Oh, no.

You´re going to fake
crawling on the cobblestones?

That´s sacrilege.

Come on.
This is harmless.

It´s not like
i´m tricking him

Into hugging
a bunch of wasted dwarves.

Okay, how long
have you been here drinking?

Look, father rick
just walked in.

George, it´s a sign.

He´s just picking up money from
the donation jar. It´s a sign.

Look, george,
then why is he coming over?

How are you?

I´m good, man.
Take care.

How´s it going,
ernesto?

George is lying
to his son and god,

And you´ve been sent
down here to save him.

Is there something you want
to get off your chest, george?

You got a minute?

Sure.

Look, father,
my kid´s dog was dying,

So I promised god
that if he lived -- ha ha --

I´d crawl up
the cobblestone path

To the church
of the virgin of guadalupe.

I´ve heard those cobblestones
are like jagged knives

Cutting away
at your knees.

Anyway, man,
the dog got better.

No one knows how.

So now my son
wants me to go to mexico,

But I only said the prayer
to make him feel better.

Well, george, in the bible,
god doesn´t bargain.

You don´t offer him things
to get things in return.

Thank you.

That´s perfect.
That´s what I can tell max.

Why does it take you guys
an hour

To say the same thing
on sundays?

Then again,
you did make a promise,

And if you don´t
keep your word,

That´s bearing
false witness,

Which would be
breaking a commandment.

But it´s not, like, one
of the big commandments, right?

Like k*lling or stealing.

I mean, come on,
god just kind of

Threw that one in
to fill up the tablets.

I mean,
"the nine commandments" --

That sounds kind of lame.

Ultimately, george,
you have to ask yourself

Do you want to be a man
who keeps his word

Or a liar?

Okay.

Let´s say I don´t
do this cobblestone thing,

But I do something
just as good.

Let´s say I give
a little something-something

To the church.

Let´s say -- huh?
[ Whistles ]

George, is that a four
or a seven?

That is a one, my man.

Have a nice time
in mexico.

Oh, man,
this is tough.

You know, we could walk
a little bit on our feet,

And nobody would know.

God would know.

You´re one of those, huh?

So why are you here?

There was a horrible flood.

My entire village was lost.

As I clutched
to the top of a tree

And the waters rose,

I promised god
if he spared my life,

I would crawl this path.

And you?

My kid´s dog got sick.

Here, honey.

Ah.

Anything else
before I go?

No, i´m all right.

All right. I´m going to go
get your pain medication.

I´ll be right back.

Okay, I get it.
You´re welcome.

[ Flatulence ]

What was that?

[ Flatulence ]

Oh, come on.
I can´t move.

Go to carmen´s room.

Needles,
go to carmen´s room. Go.

[ Flatulence ]

I think I know
what k*lled that tumor.