03x17 - Weekend at Benny's

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi, brenda.

Oh, my god, that´s terrible.

Well, I had plans, but
I guess I can help you out.

Okay. Bye.

Yes!

Congratulations.

You don´t even know
what it is.

I don´t care.
Keep dancing.

Cathy stye, the district
sales manager for lumery

Has meningitis.

Yes! Meningitis!

Dance!

No!
That´s not the good part.

She can´t make it

To the sales conference
in las vegas,

So they asked me to go.

Vegas, all right!
I´m going to vegas!

I´m gonna be like
that in the casino.

No, you´re not.

Why not?

Because someone has
to watch the kids,

And that someone is...

[ Whistles ] boop.

You know, I -- I think

I might be coming down
with meningitis.

[ Groans ]

What are the symptoms again?

Swelling
of the brain lining.

I´ve had it since birth!

George, it´s just a week,
and the kids are at an age

Where they can almost
look after themselves.

Give me that letter,
or I am going to k*ll you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Like it kills
a piece of your heart

Every time you and jason
are apart?

Everybody hates you,
you loser!

The way you hate
going to sleep

Because eight hours
without jason makes you weep?

I´m going to b*at you
with a bat.

The way you b*at jason --
that´s not in here.

Okay, that´s enough!
All right!

Look, i´m tired
of you two fighting.

You´re not going to the dance
on friday,

And, you, say goodbye
to the skate park.

That´s not fair, mom.
He stole my letter!

So what?
It´s just a stupid letter.

She hit me with a bat, mom!

Hey, don´t look at her.
She agrees with me.

Yes, I do.
Now, go to your rooms, now.

I do not agree with you.

You were too harsh
with them.

That dance is really
important to carmen,

And you don´t have to take
away the skate park.

Max should just apologize.

That´s it?!

Look, angie, we´re being
way too easy on these kids.

You know what my mom
would have done to me

If I pulled any of this crap?

She´d make me sit on my hands
until they fell asleep,

And then she´d slap me
with them.

"Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you crying?

Wipe your tears,"
and i´d be like that.

Hey, honey.

Hey, daddy.
Who´s making dinner?

Well, let´s see.

Traditionally,
if the reigning princess

Is at a stupid makeup
convention,

The runner-up,
that´s you,

Must fulfill her duties.

Here´s your crown
and your scepter.

Now, cry hysterically
and start cooking.

Hey, max,
those trucks are expensive.

You better not be driving it
off the table.

Don´t worry.

I wouldn´t do something
that stupid.

It worked!

I built a ramp
up in my room,

And the car jumped
all the way down

Onto the picnic table.

Isn´t that awesome?!

What the hell is this?

Look, we don´t buy you toys
just so you can destroy ´em.

But i´m gonna get more.

Do you know there are kids
in the world, max,

Who don´t even have toys?

And there are kids who have
a lot more toys than me,

So it kind of balances out.

Sit on your hands!

What?

Never mind.

I don´t want you wrecking
another toy, okay?

And I want you to clean this up
right now.

It came!
Oh, my god, it came!

What´s that?

It´s my new cellphone
with a built-in camera.

Ha ha.

Carmen, you can´t get
a cellphone without asking.

Dad, don´t worry.
The phone is free.

I have to call taylor
and tell her my phone came.

I want to show her how
excited I was when I opened it.

The plan you signed up for
is an extra $20 a month,

And you´re locked in
for two years.

That´s, like, $480.

Dad, the phone is free.

You know what?
The phone is free,

Because we´re sending
it back.

No, daddy.
I really want this phone.

I mean, it´s supercool.

You can press this button,
and it´ll record your voice.

No way!

Yes way!

Carmen, you really want this
phone, don´t you?

I really do, daddy!

No way!

Hey, did you clean up
the backyard like I told you?

Relax, i´ll get it done.

Did I ever tell you

You´re doing a fine job
with these two?

Hey, what are you doing?
Get off the computer.

I´m downloading a song.

Too late.
Here´s a new song.

Move your feet,
lose your seat.

Get off, i´m tired of you
always --

Damn it! What´s the
matter with you two?!

Do you know how much
this computer costs?!

You have the protection
plan, right?

No. I don´t have
the protection plan.

If I believed
in protection plans,

Neither of you
would be here.

You guys are spoiled brats.
You take everything for granted.

You don´t know how good
you have it.

You guys wouldn´t have been able

To make it through one week
of my childhood.

Oh, please.

They wouldn´t last one night
at my house.

You know, they would
probably start crying

The very first time
they had to drink water

Out of the tap.

"Ohh,
it´s slightly yellow."

You know what?
Let´s do it.

It´s time I teach
you two kids a lesson.

You guys are spending the week
at grandma benny´s house.

No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a second.

Do they have to do
whatever I say?

I have complete control?

Yes.
Okay, but no hitting.

And you can´t make them
hit themselves.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ The low rider
is a little higher ♫

[ Sighs ]

Welcome to my childhood.

Dad, we´ve been
to grandma´s house before.

Yeah. Well, you´ve been
to the zoo before,

But you never spent the night
in the gorilla´s cage.

All right, let´s get a couple
of things straight

Before coco gets back.

You guys are gonna live this
week exactly the way I did

When I was a kid.

So no cellphones,
no computer games.

And if you cry yourself to sleep
at night,

Save the tears

So you have something to drink
in the morning.

Oh, and just remember.

You have no one
but yourselves to blame.

You´re horrible,
horrible children.

All right.

I use your dad´s old room
for storage now,

So you kids are gonna sleep
on the pull-out couch.

What time do we have to
go to bed?

I don´t care.
I got three basic rules --

Don´t drink my beer...

Don´t touch my smokes...

And don´t sneak up on me
when i´m sleeping.

I got a g*n under my pillow.

And I sleep au naturel.

What are you doing home?

Stupid cathy
and her meningitis.

They canceled
the conference.

What happened?

She d*ed!

That´s too bad.

So, the kids drove you
out of the house?

The kids aren´t here,
angie.

Where are they?

Look it, listen,
before you start,

Let me tell you that carmen
and max were acting so bad

That I actually thought
about sending them to my mom´s

For the week.

[ Laughing ]
that would have been

The dumbest thing
you´ve ever done.

Okay, then, this next part´s
not gonna be easy.

Oh, my god.

You sent them to the house

Of the woman
who´s responsible

For everything
that´s wrong with you?

Look, angie,
you weren´t here, okay?

You didn´t see the way
they acted.

Nothing the kids
could ever do

Would justify sending them
to benny´s!

Hey, it´s time to party...
Ha ha.

Because angie´s home!

Yay, let´s start
the angie´s home party!

Angie´s home!
Angie´s home!

Is this the right day?

Okay, I see
what you´re doing.

You just wanted the kids
out of the house

So you could hang out
with ernie.

That´s not true, okay?
I´m teaching them something.

So you´re teaching with
a six-pack and a videotape.

What´s the tape, ernie?

Oh, nothing.

What´s the tape?

Hey, I didn´t think
you´d be here!

Ernie!

It´s "dorf on golf."
You know, the little guy.

Like he´s got no legs.

I don´t believe you two.

Listen, angie, he puts
his legs through a bed

Or something
that´s underneath.

He´s got legs.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I´m calling benny´s to make
sure the kids are all right.

Look, angie,
i´m sure they´re fine.

Come on.

We let my mom babysit here
all the time.

Yeah, and the last time
she babysat, we came home,

Found her drunk
and passed out on the couch,

With a lit cigarette
in her hand.

Angie, the kids would have
put out the fire.

[ Telephone ringing ]

All right, what´s next
on grandma´s list?

Do you want to clean
the hair out of the drain

Or sweep up the dead ants?

Grandma, aren´t you gonna
answer that?

It´s probably randy.

Aren´t you getting married
to him in, like, three months?

Yeah, but when I don´t
answer, he gets mad.

I like him a little mad.

Grandma?

Hmm?

We´re hungry.

All right, fine, here.

Take half.

I don´t like mayonnaise.

Eat crap then.

No one´s home.

This is just great.

Look, angie,
you´re overreacting.

No, i´m not.

The only reason you did this

Was because I wasn´t here
to stop you.

This is total betrayal.

You want to talk
about betrayal?

You saw celine dion,
didn´t you?

You knew I wanted to see
that show.

How could you?!

Name one of her songs.

They´re all beautiful.
Don´t make me choose.

How about the one
she´s like that, "ahh."

George.

We always consult each other

Before we do anything
with the kids.

But this time, you parented
behind my back.

I would never do that to you.

Now, i´m gonna keep calling
benny´s until someone´s home.

Well, we got the house
without the kids and...

The fight´s over.

Maybe now would be
a good time to, you know...

Put up the shelves
in max´s room

That you´ve been promising
to do for a year?

You sure
this isn´t just about

You wanting to see me
in my tool belt?

Wa-ta.

Oh, look.
It´s the angiesaurus.

It nagged all the other
dinosaurs to death.

That´s why they´re extinct.

"How do I trust you after this?"

That´s what i´m talking
about.

Yeah.

She´s wearing a thong,
angie.

What are you talking about?

On the back of this poster.

Max made a list of things
to blackmail carmen with.

"Number one, carmen failed
her math quiz.

"Number two, carmen took $20
out of mom´s purse.

Number three, carmen wears
a thong to school!"

George, how do we know max
isn´t just making things up?

Remember when I said
that carmen´s virginity

Was hanging on by a thread?

Here´s the thread!

George, calm down.

Why should I calm down?

We told her she couldn´t
wear thongs!

And she did it
behind our backs.

I´m going to my mom´s...

Well, I told you no one´s home.

I´ll wait out front.

I want to see the look
on her face

When I tell her
she´s grounded for a year.

You can´t do that.

Why not?

Because I gave her permission
to wear the underwear.

What?! When?!

After we discussed it.

I told you --
you just don´t remember.

You never listen to me.

Oh, no.
Not this time, angie.

Look, I might not pay attention
when you talk about work

Or family or your feelings.

But you say the word
"thong,"

The rest of the world
melts away.

Look, you´re parenting
behind my back,

And worse,
you´re lying about it.

You can´t compare the two.

Wearing a thong at her age
isn´t a big deal anymore.

It´s a big deal to me.

George.

I wear thongs.

Angie, when you wear a thong,

You´re spicing up
a 16-year-old marriage.

When carmen wears a thong,
she´s starting a pep rally

In every 16-year-old
boy´s pants.

This isn´t about sex.

It´s about panty lines.

You know what?

You can be so rigid
sometimes.

It´s the tree that bends
that doesn´t break.

Yeah?

And there´s that tree that´s
bending over wearing a thong

´Cause that´s the tree
all the monkeys are climbing on.

One thing.

I did one thing
behind your back.

And what about carmen´s
new cellphone?

Did you know about that?

The phone is free.

Look, it´s no wonder

The kids think they can do
whatever they want,

Because when I tell them no,
you go behind my back,

And you tell ´em yes.

Well, I can´t help it.

The way you were raised,

Your first instinct is
to say no and to punish,

And that´s not always right.

No.
We agreed to be a team.

It´s us against them.

If we´re not unified, they´re
gonna walk all over us.

You´re right.
I´m sorry.

From now on, we don´t go
behind each other´s backs.

We fight until someone wins.

All right, let´s get it on.

Carmen doesn´t wear a thong,
and you take back that phone.

Okay.
The phone goes back,

And carmen gets to wear
a thong when she´s 16.

47.

17.

66, And it´s
a retirement thong.

18, She should be
out of the house,

And she´ll be able to wear
whatever she wants.

Fine.

If she really moves out
when she´s 18,

She can wear
plastic wrap and a cr*cker.

For all I care.

Apparently, some of my cleaning
products burn the skin.

Oh-hoo-hoo.

Benny, where are the kids?

Oh, relax, they´re fine.

When I left the house,
the boy was rewiring a lamp,

And the girl was sitting
on the couch sobbing.

You know, kid stuff.

All right,
let´s go get ´em.

Oh, hey, mom, let me
ask you something.

Huh?

What do you think
about a teenage girl

Wearing thong underwear?

Well, I used to think
it was pretty trashy,

But randy likes it,
and...

It´s pretty damn
comfortable.

You´re right.
They´re not sexual at all.

What´s going on?

Sit down.

Yeah, sit down.

We made you dinner.

You guys cooked for us?

Mm-hmm.

We wanted to show how much
we appreciate you guys.

We´re sorry
for how we acted.

Ohh.

Huh.

Seems like maybe these children
have learned a lesson.

All right, maybe a day
at your mom´s

Did do them some good.

Angie, everything´s perfect.
The kids made us dinner.

They learned their lesson,

And carmen´s not wearing
a thong anymore.

Vpl.

All right, we made you
your favorite lasagna.

And mom´s favorite dessert,
bread pudding.

Oh, everything looks
delicious, guys.

Ooh.
It´s a little garlicky.

Eat crap then.

You eat crap, too.
[ Gasps ]