03x20 - The Art of Boxing

[bunniefuu]

[ Knock on door ]

Max, time for breakfast.

What happened in here?

What did you do
to your pillow?

It kept me from sleeping,
so I punched it.

And then I hit it
with my bat,

And I ripped it apart
with my teeth.

Okay. That´s...

Perfectly normal, son.

Angie, you want to get in here
and bring a crucifix?!

Max!

Why did you do this?

I can´t sleep.

I haven´t been
able to for a week.

Why didn´t you tell us?

Well, I already have
dyslexia and dyscalculia.

The last thing
I need to find out

Is that I have
dyssleepia.

It´s called "insomnia."

I knew there´d
be a word for it.

There´s a word for everything
that´s wrong with me!

Honey, there´s nothing
wrong with you.

I´m in special ed,

I study three times harder
than anyone else,

And I still might
flunk the 5th grade.

Oh, yeah, i´m a winner.

Look, you´re under
a lot of pressure.

What do you say we take
the day off from school

And I bring your breakfast
up here, hmm?

Thanks.

Good.
Okay, now, you rest.

Before you know it,
you´ll fall asleep,

And everything
will be all right.

Be gone!

Nighty-night.

An 11-year-old should
not be awake all night.

Ugh -- be gone!

And staying
awake all night´s

Not gonna help him
pass the 5th grade.

Hey, daddy.

Hi, angie, my angel.

Hello, benita,
my little devil.

Hello, george, my --

Yeah, there you are.

Hey, vic, you know,
they sell bacon in the stores,

And, wow, you can even cook it
at your own house.

George, maybe he needs
a psychologist.

He´s not crazy, angie,
he´s just old and lonely,

And too cheap
to buy his own breakfast.

I´m talking about max.

What´s wrong with max?

Daddy, he´s so stressed out
about school,

He ripped up
his pillow last night.

Does your hospital have
any good child psychologists?

Psychologists?
No way.

Look, angie,
we´re lopezes,

And we don´t go for help

Until right before
it´s too late.

Daddy, you´re a doctor.
Help me out here.

Therapy´s for the weak.

Castro stole my island,

And a web designer
stole my wife.

But do you see me
crying like a baby

To someone who thinks
that smoking a cigar

Is a sign of latent
h*m*?

Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar --

Unless it´s a dominican
or a honduran.

Those are specifically grown
for h*m*.

Finally,
the voice of reason.

Okay, if you
don´t like therapy,

There are other ways
to deal with stress.

Maybe if max could
do something creative,

It could take his mind
off his problems

And help him sleep.

What about an art class?

What?
How is art gonna help him

Get rid
of his frustrations?

[ French accent ]
oh, I am so angry.

I will paint a lively
french cafe scene.

Ah ha ha ha!

Okay, look,
i´m gonna take his breakfast up.

We can figure
this out later.

I´ll tell you
how I get rid of my stress.

I burn it off
at the gym,

And then
I get a spray tan.

Doesn´t hurt my skin,
and I look fantastic.

So you´re orange
downstairs, too?

Mom!

Oye, chico,

I got it --
boxing.

Boxing?

When I was a boy
in cuba,

I suffered
from the anxiety,

So my father
taught me how to box.

I forgot about my problems,
and I got stronger.

I could face any opponent
on the island without fear.

Yeah,
then castro showed up,

You hid your watch
in your butt,

And you paddled to miami.

Yes, but I was
so tough from boxing,

No man dared
take that watch from me.

Ooh, vic,
your shoe´s untied.

Oh, yeah?

Look at that.
I´m late for work.

Look, vic,

Boxing is a good way
to blow off steam,

But angie would
never go for it.

She´d be too worried
that max is gonna get hurt.

How can he get hurt,
george?

He´s half mexican
and half cuban.

He was born to fight!

And live at home
until he´s 40.

Listen, angie doesn´t
have to know about this

Until we see if max
likes boxing or not, hmm?

In the meantime,

We´ll say he´s
taking art classes.

No. Look,
I promised angie

I wasn´t gonna go
behind her back anymore.

I can´t lie to her.

What if I lie
and you nod vigorously?

I can do that.

Now i´m really worried --
max wants to know

If we have any pillowcases
that taste better.

Angie,
i´ve made a decision.

Tell her, vic.

Max is taking
art classes.

Really?

All right.

For once you´re admitting
I had a good idea.

Admit it, george.

[ Intro to w*r´s
"low rider" plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

Come on, max!
Throw some combinations, huh?

Hey,
how´s our boy doing?

He´s having a great time,
and he´s sleeping like a baby.

Wow, look at him go.

Two weeks in the gym

And my grandson
is already a k*ller.

Well, I guess toughness
skips a generation,

Huh, princess?

I could have been
a good boxer.

You just never encouraged me,
or fed me.

That´s not true.

Who gets strong
on powdered milk?

Looking good, kid.

You might want
to keep your chin down.

Sorry, I don´t take
boxing advice from girls.

Well, listen,
if you´re gonna train in my gym,

You´re gonna
have to listen to me.

Max, this is laila ali.

[ Imitating muhammad ali ]
this is muhammad ali´s daughter.

She´s the greatest female
fighter of all times, man,

And she´s so pretty.

Yeah?
Well, can you do this?

Watch out.

Let me try.

No, he believes you.

Is it over?!

You know,
you´re a cocky little kid.

We ought to see
what you can do in the ring.

Well, he´s only been hitting
the bag for a couple weeks,

And his mom doesn´t even
know that he´s doing this.

That´s okay.
They´ll have on headgear.

They´ll just spar a little.
Let´s give it a try.

All right.

I´m dr. Victor palmero,

Welterweight champion

Of señora de la madrid´s
school for boys

In 1956, ´57, and ´59.

Cardiologist, pugilist,

Available.

I´m married.

Congratulations.
Perhaps you should wear a ring.

Hey, joey,
give max here a round.

He´s pretty quick.

We have an open tournament
coming up in a couple weeks.

You might want
to sign him up.

Whoa!

Way to go, dude!
That´s my boy!

I´m so proud of you, max!
You´re a real fighter, man!

Did you see me?!
I put him down!

I´m the man!
Oh! Ooh!

Uh, maybe we should
put a cup on him

Before he takes
his shoes off.

All right, she´s not here.
Come on.

Okay, let´s see.

Oh, man,
it´s getting worse.

A black eye is something
to be proud of.

Max, my friend,

You´re on your way
to becoming a man.

First a black eye,
then facial hair,

Then making love to a woman
you later found out

Your father paid for
with a pig.

Vic!

A pig well spent,
if you ask me.

Well, there´s no hiding
max´s boxing now.

You´re gonna
have to face...

[Gasps] your wife!

No way.
When she sees that black eye,

She´s not gonna
let him box again.

Well, let´s tell her
it happened in art class.

No. We´re not
lying anymore.

That´s how we got
in this mess.

Look, i´m just thinking
about coming clean

And telling her
the truth.

[ Banging on door ]

I changed my mind.
Hide.

Hey, you´re home early!

Wow! Look how
beautiful you look!

Max, get in here and help
with the groceries!

What´s up, mom?

Why are you wearing
carmen´s sunglasses?

That´s it!
You´re grounded!

Now, you go put those
back in her room,

And you think
about what you´ve done!

But on the way,

Don´t trip on the end table
in the hallway

And get a black eye.

Oh, now that I told him,
it´s probably gonna happen.

That´s crazy.
Hey, hey, come back here.

Take those off
before you break them.

Oh, my god.
What happened to your eye?

I hit my head
on the end table in the hall.

What did I just say?!

Oh, stop it.

Your mother is too smart
to believe that.

The truth is...
I hit him.

He said castro
was stronger than superman,

And I lost my cool.

George, your turn.

I´m gonna stick
with falling in the hall.

My son has a black eye,

And I want to know
how he got it...

Right now.

He´s been boxing.

You put my little boy
in the ring

So other boys
could hit him?!

Look, angie,
it wasn´t my idea.

Look, i´m not gonna
rat anybody out,

But there´s somebody
in this kitchen that said

"Oye, chico,
I got it -- boxing."

Oye, chico, benny --
he ratted you out.

Max...

Go upstairs
and ice your eye in your room.

I need to talk
to your idiot.

And your grandidiots.

Look, angie, relax.

The kids wear headgear,
and they fight short rounds.

They get in there --
ding! It´s over.

I mean, it´s safe.

You know, in my 30 years
of practicing medicine,

I have never once
treated a child

For serious injury
due to boxing.

You´re a cardiologist.

One good thing
about being divorced

Is that I can do this.

And I don´t give a crap,
so I can do this.

Okay.
Where should we start?

That you and max
lied to me

Or that you got him
doing something dangerous

You knew I would
never approve of?

Okay, look, angie,

Max has been boxing for the last
two weeks, all right?

He´s been able
to focus better in school,

And he´s sleeping better --
isn´t that what we wanted?

But at what price?

I don´t want some kid

Punching my son in the face
so he can sleep.

It was an accident.

He hit himself
taking off his glove.

I bet you didn´t even
give art a chance.

At least with art he´d be doing
something meaningful.

Meaningful?

Hey, did michelangelo
invent a grill

That knocks the fat out of meat?
I don´t think so.

Look, angie, you´re the one
that´s always worried

About his self-esteem,
okay?

Well, boxing is giving it
back to him.

You should see him.
He´s little, he´s like...

I didn´t want him
getting his self-esteem

From hurting people.

Max:
but I know I can win!

Honey,
come down here.

Please, mom?
I really like it.

Angie, look,
there´s a tournament next week.

Let me show you
that it´s safe.

How can you say no
to this face?

This face?

Please?

It´s the only thing that
makes me forget about school.

You can box
this one time.

If I don´t like it,
it´s over.

Thanks, mom.
I´m gonna go get some sleep.

I gotta train hard if i´m gonna
kick some butt next week.

Oh, my night-light´s out,

So i´m gonna leave my door open
and the hall light on.

You got it, k*ller.

No, i´m serious.
Leave it on.

You opponent is bigger
but slower, hmm?

Stay out of his reach,
pick your spots,

And remember the rhythm --

Goom-goom bom, ka-king,
goom-goom.

Goom-goom bom, ka-king,
goom-goom.

Okay, that´d be great
if he was fighting
ricky ricardo.

Just remember,

It´s not important
whether you win or lose.

What´s important is that
your mom thinks you´re okay.

So even if he´s
b*ating the hell out of you,

Just remember to smile.

Don´t worry, baby.
He´s gonna be all right.

Hey, daddy,
what´s a ring-card girl?

Something you´ll never be.

I can´t,
but thanks for the soda.

[ Bell dings ]

Okay.

Gentlemen, I want a clean,
hard fight.

Obey my instructions.

Touch ´em up.

[ Bell dings ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

What are you doing?

I´m gonna hit you every time
my baby gets hit.

You like getting
hit in the head?

Oh, that was a low blow.

No, it wasn´t!

He´s getting
k*lled in there.

Why does he keep
smiling at us?

I´ll tell you
what´s happening.

He´s afraid to be
aggressive and punch back

Because he knows
you won´t approve.

Man,
he´s gonna get hurt.

Honey, it´s mommy!

Start punching, baby!
I approve!

That´s it, angie!

He just needed to know
you wanted him to win!

You got it, max!

Daddy would approve
a strong right cross!

He´s open!

Max!

Now daddy would approve
of you getting up.

And the capital
of california is...

Sacramento.
Can I go to bed now?

No, honey,
you might have a concussion.

You have to stay awake.

It´s kind of funny.

He started boxing to sleep,

And now he can´t sleep or else
he´ll fall into a coma.

Whoo, angie,
life on the big blue marble.

Can I sit down
for a while?

All right,
honey,

But i´m gonna get you a soda,
so you stay awake.

Don´t be sad, max.

The fact that you
may have a concussion

Means that you probably
have a brain.

You know, pretty soon
i´ll be able to b*at you up.

Yeah, you´re tough,
all right.

♫ Lullaby and good night ♫

♫ And slip into your coma ♫

Carmen...

How´s your head feel,
honey?

It´ll be okay.

The next fight
isn´t for a week, anyway.

Look, there´s not gonna be
a next fight, max.

When I saw you go down
and hit your head like that,

I knew it wasn´t worth it,
so, uh...

Boxing is over.

Why?!
So, I got hurt.

I could get hurt
skateboarding,

Or playing soccer,

Or playing steak-Kn*fe darts
with ricky.

I have a concussion.
I don´t know what i´m saying.

The difference
with boxing

Is someone is trying
to hurt you.

When you get hurt, max,

Your mother and I
would like it

To be more
of a surprise...

Which is good for you,
too,

Because the shock
makes us care more.

But it felt good
when I was boxing.

It helped me sleep.

Then you gotta take
the pressure off yourself, max.

Okay, what´s the worst thing
that could happen

If you fail
the 5th grade?

I´ll be humiliated,
i´ll lose all my friends,

I´ll have to redo all the work
I hated doing this year,

And every day
I go to class,

I´ll know i´m stupider
than everyone else there.

Well, you´ve obviously
given this some thought.

Okay, here´s the deal --

Until we find another way
to help you sleep,

You´re not going
through this alone.

We´ll stay up with you.

We´ll watch tv,
and we´ll play games.

Hey, and we´ll prank-call
grandma benny

Late at night
when she´s drunk.

"Ben, ben dover?

"There´s no ben dover here,
you damn kids.

"If you had any huevos,

You´d come over here
and say that to my g*n."

[ Imitates can opening ]

Okay?

Okay.

You´re a good dad.

I just thought
he´d feel good

If he knew he wasn´t
going through this alone.

Maybe that´ll
help him relax

And he can finally
get some sleep...

Like he is right now.

[ Gasps ] max!

Up, up, up, up,
up, up, up.

The capital of wyoming is?

I don´t know.
[ Gasps ]

No, that´s good, angie.
He really doesn´t know.

[ Singing in spanish ]

What?

Your skin.

I just got a spray tan.

I have a healthy glow.

You look like a hairy yam.

"Get a spray tan,"
he said.

"Chicks´ll dig it,"
he said.

Ernie, i´m not going
to insult you.

I just have
a message for you.

Willy wonka called.

He wants you back
at the factory right away.

[ Laughs ]