Hey, baby.
Hey.
What´s all this?
Oh, I took on a new sales
territory, and i´m swamped.
Can you take carmen out saturday
for her driving lesson?
You really want to put
a 15-year-old girl
Behind the wheel
of a 4,000-pound truck?
Hey, come on, angie.
Carmen still gets startled
by her own hoop earrings.
"Who´s that?"
"What do you want?"
"Leave me alone!"
She aced the written part
of the driving test.
Look, I don´t care. I don´t
think she´s ready to drive.
California does.
They gave her
a learner´s permit.
If I cared about permits,
We wouldn´t have
a second floor on this house.
Mom, dad, guess what --
Jason was just nominated
for prom king.
Ooh.
I remember when I was nominated
for prom queen.
I was a shoo-in
till I got that zit
Two days before the dance.
I withdrew
from the competition,
But I still got so many write-in
votes, I made runner-up.
In the yearbook, they called me
"the people´s prom queen."
Glory days, huh, baby?
Yeah.
Oh, before jason takes off,
can you guys sign this?
Allendale started this whole
campaign about prom this year.
It´s "prom-ise to be safe."
Yeah, they came up with these
contracts where students promise
To practice abstinence
and sobriety on prom night.
We´ve already signed it,
And we´d like you both
to sign it, too.
What´s the penalty
if you break the contract?
Well, it´s a matter
of honor.
[ Speaking spanish ]
They´re trying
to be responsible.
All right, fine,
i´ll sign it.
Just need to add
one little thing.
"If jason mcnamara, henceforth
referred to as ´the accused,´
"Violates this contract or...
"My daughter,
"I, george lopez, henceforth
referred to as ´the castrator,´
Will knowingly, willfully,
and thoroughly b*at you down."
I just need you
to initial right there
Where it says "b*at you down."
Give me that.
Wouldn´t it be great
if every student signed
a contract like this?
Yeah, but since they won´t,
there´s going to be
A lot of drunk drivers
out on the road that night.
You know
what would be smart?
We should rent a hotel room
With a bunch of our friends,
and then after prom,
We could hang out there
until it´s safe.
Isn´t it great? It´s just,
like, coming to me now.
I got a better idea.
How about you
don´t go to the hotel,
You´re home by midnight
or you´re grounded for a year?
Yeah.
Isn´t that great?
Oh, my god, it´s all just
coming to me now. Oh, god.
But, dad, we promised
nothing would happen,
And we even signed
a contract.
That was good enough
for all the other parents.
We don´t care
about the other parents.
You´re not staying
in a hotel.
Well, jason and I
are alone all the time.
If we wanted to have sex,
we would have done it already.
He has a van.
We could have done it right
before we came here.
Maybe we did.
Carmen.
The b*at-down clause.
You´re 15 years old,
and you´re a sophomore, okay?
You´re lucky we´re letting you
go to the prom.
I didn´t go to my prom.
That´s ´cause
you were way out of your league.
You were a five, chato.
And you were asking out
eights and nines.
You gotta aim lower.
Six.
10.
I´ll see you later, carmen.
Bye, jason.
Mr. Lopez,
you´re not a five.
You´re a nine.
You´re not staying
in a hotel.
Later, four.
I´m ready, grandma.
Okay. I´m taking max
to the arcade at the mall.
Oh, can I have a ride?
I want to start looking
for prom dresses.
Unless i´m too young
to wear a dress
And I should go to the prom
in a onesie.
You´d like that,
wouldn´t you?
Snaps at the crotch --
I don´t think so.
Grandma, how late were you out
on prom night?
Ooh, I think I crawled home
´Bout 5:00 or 6:00
in the morning.
Did you hear that, dad?
Yeah, mom, tell her
what you were doing.
I worked a double shift
at the factory,
Then I went to thirsty´s,
And then I went home
to breast-feed your father.
You never breast-fed me.
Wonder who that was.
[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]
♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫
Afternoon.
Are you george lopez?
No, officer, i´m jim williams.
My wife and I just moved here
from salt lake.
I sell lumber.
Are these your children?
No, my wife, debbie,
is barren.
Carmen, max,
are you okay?
Officer, what happened?
This one was driving,
This one wasn´t wearing
his seat belt,
And this one had an expired
registration
And an open beer
in the car.
I don´t want to tell you
how to do your job, man,
But shouldn´t
that one be cuffed?
I´m going to release
the minors into your custody.
But you´ve got
a date in court.
Oh, good job, officer.
You stopped a little old lady
from sipping a beer.
You know, why don´t you go
to a cr*ck house
And make sure they´re rewinding
their videos?
It´s going to be a pleasure
testifying against you, ma´am.
You know what --
mom!
What were you thinking?
Where is your judgment?
How could you drink
with a 15-year-old girl
behind the wheel?
Come on.
I was choking on a french fry,
And there was nothing else
to drink!
It was just one sip.
George, come on.
You of all people know
That I can drink a beer
and watch a kid.
What are you talking about?
You never watched me.
The neighbors had to pitch in
to build a fence
To keep me from crawling
in the street!
Carmen, we never gave you
permission to drive with benny.
I know that,
but i´ve got my permit,
And I want to get my license
in six months.
Someone´s gotta teach me
how to drive,
And you never have the time.
Honey, I would love
to do it,
But work is really busy
for me right now.
Can you take her out
this week?
I don´t know...
Please, daddy, please?
Come on, honey.
You are the best driver
in the family.
I know i´m the best.
All right, i´ll do it.
[ Squeals ]
Have jason drop you off
on friday after work.
Thank you,
thank you so much.
♫ I´m getting my license ♫
♫ I´m going driving ♫
Okay, now,
if you had done that
When the cop pulled us over,
I would still have my car.
Listen up, everybody.
As you know, this afternoon,
my mother had a court date.
The judge wanted
to teach her a lesson...
So he sentenced her
to public humiliation.
Now, I don´t want anyone
To be scared by what
i´m about to say --
Mom, take it off.
"Ask me how I endangered
my grandchildren´s lives."
Turn around so I can see
the answer.
Bend over.
I´ll give it to you.
Now, if anyone sees my mother
without this sign,
Report it to me
because she could go to jail.
None of us want that, right?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, daddy, i´m ready
for my driving lesson.
Oh, okay.
Oh, I just got one thing
to take care of, carmen.
I´m going driving
with carmen.
[ Both sniffle ]
I love you, man.
Don´t forget me.
I won´t.
And you got my word.
I´m going to wait at least
one year till I ask angie out.
Okay, turn the car on.
Okay, make sure
the emergency brake is off,
And check your mirrors.
Mm. I can´t see out
my side mirror.
There´s an obstruction
About two times the size
of a normal human head.
Thank you.
Okay, check for traffic,
use your signal...
And ease onto the road.
Should I go
the usual way home?
No, I want to go
down van nuys,
Across magnolia,
then up reseda.
Oh, that´s cool. We´re
taking the major streets so
I can practice passing.
No, that way we pass
three hospitals and a church
In case I need last rites.
Man, I can´t wait
until I get my license.
Then I can drive myself
over to jason´s
And to the mall
and school and work.
Yeah, I won´t need you
for any of that anymore.
Well, that´s assuming
you pass your driver´s test.
I´m passing that test.
It´s my ticket to freedom.
To get out of that house
and just go somewhere
Where i´m not being watched over
like a prisoner
By two cannibals
of the human spirit.
I mean, you know,
thanks for everything.
Okay, ease up. You´re getting
too close to that car.
I was going to pass him.
Well, then, you should have
signaled 100 feet ago.
I´ll signal now.
What are you doing?
Checked my mirrors
and signaled.
But you didn´t check
your blind spot.
Where´s my blind spot?
You can´t see it!
Okay!
God, would you stop
yelling at me?
You´re making me
all nervous.
You´re going over
a double yellow line, carmen.
Please stop it.
Pay attention
or you are going to k*ll us.
I don´t want
to do this anymore.
Okay, then pull over.
Okay.
Watch out!
Ahh!
Oh, my god.
Baby, are you all right?
I think so.
Not you, my truck.
Baby, talk to daddy.
I´ll get you some help.
Whatever he says,
it wasn´t my fault.
What happened?
Did you hit something?
Do we need to wash the car
or bury anything?
What am I saying?
You were here all night,
we played charades,
You got stuck on "star wars,"
and we all laughed.
Carmen wasn´t
paying attention.
She cut across two lanes
of traffic and went up a curb!
Hey, I was paying attention.
You just kept yelling at me
and making me all nervous.
Am I making you
nervous now?
I know you´re only staying
with him for the kids,
But we don´t
want him anymore.
What happened out there?
Angie, she can´t focus.
She´s a horrible driver.
I took her out driving last
saturday, and she was just fine.
Yeah, were you focusing, or
were you puckering and glossing?
´Cause i´ve seen
you drive like that.
Do you want a talk
or a fight?
I don´t care. I´ll fight
because you know what?
I just cheated death.
I feel alive!
But if you want to talk,
that´s okay, too.
Yelling is not going to make her
a better driver.
Look, angie,
I have to yell at her.
Do you know how dangerous
it is out there?
She´s too cocky.
She thinks she knows it all!
She thinks she´s going
to be able to drive to school
And to jason´s house
like it´s no big deal!
I think she can handle that.
Not if she won´t listen.
She´s too emotional.
I say one little thing,
it´s "I hate you!"
Stomp, stomp, slam!
"You´re the worst dad ever!"
Stomp, stomp, slam!
"Nobody cares
about my feelings!"
Stomp, trip, fall.
Maybe the problem´s not her,
it´s you.
You´re being too impatient.
I´m not impatient.
You know what?
This is not going to work.
I´ll just teach carmen ´ cause
you don´t have the patience.
Wh--
How did this
turn against me?
Look, angie,
I got patience, okay?
I got more patience
than anybody.
Test me.
You can test me now,
or you can test me later
Because I got
[whistles] patience.
Okay. Then start fresh
with carmen tomorrow,
And don´t yell at her.
I bet you can´t do it.
I can do it.
I´ll teach her to drive.
I don´t care
if it takes 30 years,
And I won´t yell
because you know what?
I got...
...patience.
Okay, fine.
If you´re that patient,
I guess now would be
a good opportunity
To tell you about my day.
Unless you want to watch...
The laker game.
I would love to hear
about your day, darling.
Okay. Well,
my sales partner, nicole,
Is having problems
with her boyfriend, mark,
And I think
she´s just stuck
In this same old
self-destructive pattern
That we talked about
over lunch last wednesday,
But every time
I point it out to her,
She gets mad at me.
So, who does she call
in the middle of the night
After the two of them
are having a big fight,
And I tell her,
"you know what you need to do?
"You need to stop [whistles]
with allen, okay?
I know he´s cute,
and he´s got a good car,
but that breath --"
I´ll teach her to drive!
Don´t t*rture me, woman!
[ Sighs ]
Why are you picking me up
from school?
Listen,
I know you´re upset because
you hit something yesterday,
But your mom
and I discussed it,
And today
i´m going to be patient.
Well, I don´t want to talk.
I just want to drive.
Okay.
A little fast
for a school zone.
So, how was your day?
I told you,
I don´t want to talk.
Carmen, what´s going on?
It´s not like you´re going
to care, but jason dumped me.
Oh, baby, i´m sorry.
Stop sign.
Look, i´m not upset,
But the guy
with the cane sure was, huh?
Why don´t you pull over?
We´ll do this tomorrow.
You know, he´s taking his
ex-girlfriend cindy to the prom.
Okay, stay on our side
of the road.
I´m passing.
Okay, now you´ve passed.
Now pull back over.
Isn´t it funny
the way oncoming drivers
Trust you to pull back
into your lane on time?
How can you trust strangers
When you can´t even trust
your own boyfriend?
Okay, I don´t want to yell
but not ready to die.
Okay, pull over now!
Okay, stop the car.
You said
you wouldn´t yell at me.
Are you insane? You´re driving
like a crazy woman.
I had plenty of time
to get over. I was just mad.
Because some guy you break up
with every other week
Is taking another girl
to the prom?
Dad, he´s been cheating on me
for a month!
God, I feel
like such an idiot.
Then k*ll him, not us!
Look, carmen,
jason´s a punk.
He doesn´t realize
he just lost
The best thing
that´s ever gonna happen to him.
[ Crying ] yeah, well,
cindy leschin is 18,
She looks like jessica simpson,
and she does everything.
Well, if he wants
to trade a good person
For a good time,
then that´s just --
Shut up, dad.
You don´t have to do everything
to keep a boy.
You don´t have to do anything.
You don´t even need a boy!
You don´t even
have to get married.
You can stay at home,
And you can play
with dolls until we all die.
Doesn´t that sound good?
What are you talking about?
You´re growing up too fast.
You want to drive,
you want to stay in hotel rooms.
Look, you´re 15.
What are you going to do
when you´re 16?
Are you going
to get a face-lift
And shack up with a fifth grader
to feel young again?
I just got my heart broken,
And you´re worried about
keeping me from growing up?
Yes.
Maybe that´s why
I yell at you.
I mean, you´re in a hurry
to get out...
...and i´m not ready
to let you leave.
Oh, please.
You can´t wait to get rid of me.
You think so?
Yeah.
Look at this.
Why am I looking
at a calendar?
You see what I have marked?
It´s my 18th birthday.
I circled it
Because that´s going to be
the worst day of my life.
Oh, daddy.
Why did you draw
a potato next to it?
That´s a boot.
I was mad at you one day,
And I was going
to kick your ass out.
I´m sorry I was
acting so crazy.
Hey, what are you doing?
You´re not driving.
Dad, you can start treating me
like an adult
And let me drive home,
Or you can pretend
i´m still a baby
And take away the keys.
Get in your booster seat.
Come on, dad.
After what you did?
You´re a baby until I say
that you´re an adult.
Oh, I hate you.
You´re the worst dad ever.
Stomp, stomp, slam.
What?
Nothing.
I got a [clears throat]
[ Door opens ]
Hey.
How´d the driving
with carmen go?
She tried to k*ll them.
What?
She´s mad
because jason dumped her.
He´s been cheating on her
with cindy leschin.
[ Gasps ]
the girl who does everything?
Ohh.
Word is she does everything.
[ Knock on door ]
Mrs. Lopez, mr. Lopez.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I´ll tell you
what he´s doing here.
He does this every time
he breaks up with carmen.
He changed his mind.
He thinks a little apology
is going to win my baby back.
But one of these days,
your charm is going to wear off,
And what will you have
then, huh?
Just your looks, your brains,
and your money.
Look, I -- I just came over
´cause carmen called me.
She wants me
to pick up my stuff.
Carmen, the cheater´s here!
So, uh, is cindy
in the car?
Hello, jason.
I´ve never seen
that outfit before.
I got your stuff.
I --
I´ve never seen
that outfit before.
Listen...
I just want you to know...
That if it doesn´t work out
with cindy...
And you want to call me...
...don´t.
Now that you know
what you´re losing, go to hell.
God, that felt good!
Ohh!
It should.
You finally stood up
for yourself.
Yeah, carmen, we´re really
proud of you, honey.
Now, I never want to see you
dressed like a hooker again.
You go upstairs
And put that outfit
back in your mom´s closet.
Angie: hey.
Hey, honey,
how was your day?
Do you really want to know?
Absolutely.
Ugh, it was crazy.
You have to hear this.
Guess who´s back
with her boyfriend -- nicole.
Didn´t I tell you
that was going to happen?
[ On tape recorder ]
mm-hmm.
Anyway, we had
lunch together.
We´re talking about
the new la marie summer line.
Everything
is pink this year.
03x23 - She Drives Me Crazy
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Assembly-line worker and family man George is promoted to manage an airplane parts factory in L.A.
Assembly-line worker and family man George is promoted to manage an airplane parts factory in L.A.