03x25 - Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

The church
is a holy place.

So is las vegas.

Hey, you two. How are
the wedding plans coming?

They would be going great
if randy would just shut up

And let me
make the decisions!

She´s trying to make
all the decisions,

And not just the wedding.

Why won´t you
even talk about kids?

We could adopt.

You want a kid?

Okay. Fine.

Oh, look --
it´s a boy.

What is the problem
with the wedding?

Oh, he wants to have
a big, fancy ceremony,

And I just want
to do it in a courthouse.

But not the van nuys
courthouse.

There´s a judge there
who thinks i´m in a wheelchair.

If i´m only gonna do this once,
I want to do it right.

I had my heart set
on a proper church wedding

With a pastor
and a fiddle band

And my beloved
dressed in white.

It´s a little late
for me to be wearing white.

It was almost too late

For me to wear white
to my own confirmation.

Grandma, you should
have a big wedding.

That´s what i´m gonna do.

It´s gonna be on a cliff
overlooking the ocean at sunset,

And as soon
as I say "I do,"

100 White doves are gonna
go flying into the air.

No.

Carmen, your wedding´s
gonna be in the backyard.

The only thing flying´s
gonna be aunt sylvia.

All drunk, she´s gonna
come back from the bathroom

With her dress
tucked in her pantyhose.

"Look,
everyone´s looking at me.

"I still got it.

They´re jealous."

Babe, I can only
compromise so much.

You gotta give me
something here.

Yeah, mom,
give him something.

This guy loves you.

He´s willing to spend
his life with you.

He´s seen you in the morning,
and he´s still here. Honor that.

If anybody makes fun
of what i´m about to say,

They´re gonna be picking up
their teeth from the floor.

Randy, you know,
I don´t feel comfortable

Showing my emotions
in front of people.

But if you need
for me to say "I love you"

In front
of the whole world,

Then you can just invite
the whole world to that wedding,

´Cause I want
you to be happy.

Oh!

I warned you, sister!

You may be hard and crunchy
on the outside,

But I love
your sweet, nougaty center!

You know, a real wedding

Means someone needs
a real bridal shower.

Forget the shower.

If randy is gonna have
a bachelor party,

I want
a bachelorette party.

If something´s gonna be
shaking in his face,

I want something
shaking in mine.

You´re a lucky,
lucky man.

Listen, about the bachelor
party, george --

I don´t want one
like benny´s.

Keep it clean, okay?

I don´t like
having my car started

If i´m not gonna
drive it anywhere.

Oh, I think
it´s so sweet

That randy wants
a clean bachelor party.

Are you kidding?!

When a guy says he wants
a clean bachelor party,

It´s your duty to make it

As wild and as nasty
as possible.

How wild and nasty
are we talking?

Come on, ange, it´s not for me.
It´s for randy.

Oh.

You´re the only one
that starts my car, baby.

And sometimes I start it
when you´re out of town

To make sure
it´s still running.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

So, your mom´s really
tying the knot, huh?

Where´s she registered --
the museum of natural history?

That´s a horrible thing
to say, gina.

Oh, but that´s gonna get
a huge laugh at the reception.

Ernie, you still coming
to randy´s bachelor party?

I don´t know, george.

Those things are usually
crude and disgusting...

If they´re planned right.

Well, don´t get
your hopes up.

Randy´s serious
about me keeping it clean.

Then you gotta
make it funny.

Get him an old-lady stripper,
you know, as a joke.

That´s a joke he´s gonna see
every night with my mom.

But you know what?

I like it.

All we gotta do
is find an older woman

Willing to
take her clothes off.

I´ll do it.

I don´t know, gina.

Are you sure you want
the guys from work

To see you that way?

Hey, I work out
two hours a day.

I do yoga.

I didn´t spend 7 grand
on laser surgery

Not to trot it out
every once in a while.

I don´t know, gina.
I´m your manager.

Aren´t we crossing
some kind of line here?

Look, if it makes you
feel more comfortable,

I´ll do boots,
bikini, and pasties.

O-oka-- okay.

I´ll call you
with the details.

Hey, george. Look who´s finally
out of the hospital.

Hey! Accident amy!

Look, somebody´s hair
grew back during the coma.

Yeah, I just wish
I could see it.

That accident
left me a little blind.

Oh, man.

How bad is it?

Well, I know you´re waving
your hands in front of my face.

So, you can see movement?

No, no.
Everyone does this.

I´m so sorry, amy.

It´s okay. The doctors
aren´t sure it´s permanent.

They say the next 20 years
are just really crucial.

Amy, I want you to know

That we don´t abandon our own
around here.

If you need someone to read you
the want ads out loud...

Just ´cause i´m blind

Doesn´t mean I can´t
do my old job, okay?

All I did
while I was in rehab

Was visualize
working on my machine.

Now, if you´ll excuse me,

I have some airplane parts
to make.

Whoo.

Yeah.

Okay.

Who put the bubble wrap
on my machine, huh?

No, it´s me -- ernie.

All right, everybody,
back to work.

Hey, amy,
why don´t we talk

About your job
in my office, okay?

Let me just put my backpack
back in my -- my locker.

Randy. Randy?

Randy, can you
help me back to my locker?

How´d you know
I was here?

Since I lost my sight,

My senses have been
kind of heightened.

I smell
your chewing tobacco again.

And someone in here
is wearing way too much cologne.

How have you been?

Good.

Sorry about
your accident.

I´m sorry about what happened
before the accident.

Randy, I never should have
broken up with you.

Amy.

Yes.

That -- that was
a long time ago.

I thought about you
all the time.

I tried to call you,

But I kept picking up
the defibrillator,

Shocking myself
in the head.

Amy...

I´m sorry,
but it´s over.

But I don´t
want it to be over.

[ Sniffs ]

I still love you,
randall mcgee.

George, about
the bachelor party tonight --

I need 80 bucks to pay for
the cake i´m coming out of.

A cake? Isn´t that
a little old-fashioned?

Oh, trust me --
once I pop out of that cake,

It´s gonna be boom,
shocka, shocka, shocka,

Boom, shocka, shocka,
shocka, boom!

Okay, okay.
Do the cake, all right?

But remember,
randy´s a nice guy.

So nothing too extreme.

So no toys?

No. No.

Whoo,
there´s that cologne again.

Okay,
what the hell was that?

George, I can explain.

Don´t blame him.
It is all my fault.

George,
can I cut out early

To go to
my bachelorette party?

Okay, mom.

But don´t do anything
you´re gonna regret, okay?

You´re about to enter
a sacred bond based on trust.

Oh.

Well, I was just gonna
put a few singles

In a fireman´s g-string,
but okay.

Hey, benny, I didn´t know
you were getting married.

Yeah, I got myself
a keeper.

Okay, who´d she swat?
Who´d she swat?

Uh, I didn´t get a chance
to tell you --

Me and benny
are engaged.

Why would she care?

I-i didn´t get a chance
to tell you --

Amy and I used to date.

So...
Congratulate us, amy.

Yeah, con-congratulations.

Okay, well, um...

I gotta get back to work.

Door.

Okay, how come
you never told me about her?

´Cause I didn´t want you
getting all jealous

Over something
that was ancient history.

I mean, be fair. Have you
told me about all your exes?

I told you
about the hitchhiker.

What hitchhiker?

You know, I can´t stand
around here jabbering all day.

I got a party to go to.

Are we good here?

I don´t know.

It didn´t look
like ancient history

When you were making out
with amy in the hall.

George, I swear to god,
amy is my past,

And benny´s my future.

I´m marrying your mom.

Just remember, the last guy
who hurt my mom is dead.

I know your dad d*ed
of kidney disease, george.

Did he?

Or am I just that good?
Watch out!

George, your mom´s party
is gonna be great.

We´re gonna make her a wedding
dress out of toilet paper.

We´re gonna play this game

Where we pretend to be
a famous first lady,

And everyone has to guess
who you are.

Here -- guess who I am.

Angie, I got a problem.

I caught amy and randy
kissing today.

What kind of kiss was it?

You ever seen
my mom eat spareribs?

Did he pull away?

Not until he saw me.

I can´t believe randy
would do this to your mom.

You got to tell her.

Okay, who am i?

I´m an angry, short woman
who just k*lled her fiancé

Because her son
told her about a kiss

That might have been
totally innocent!

Okay, who am i?

I´m a bitter, old woman
trapped in a loveless marriage

Because no one ever told me

My husband still had feelings
for someone else.

Hillary clinton.

We´re not playing the game.

This is your mother´s life.

You don´t think
I know that?

I talked her into
taking a chance on this guy.

George,
he didn´t pull away.

A long kiss
means something.

Not necessarily.

Oh.

You see?

Nothing.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ohhh.

Some more bath gel.

You ladies really know me.

When is
the entertainment coming?

Beef kabob?

Finally! Ha!

Let´s get
this party started.

Why, yes.

I would like
a beef kabob.

Ma´am, i´ve told you
for the last hour,

I´m just a waiter here.

I´m the waiter.

I´m waiting
for those pants to come off!

Let´s go.

Come on.

Benny!

What?

You´re getting married.

So?

Oh, you know, randy doesn´t care
if I have a little fun.

We trust each other.

He tells you everything?

Yep.

So, you know about amy?

Oh, yeah.
It is what it is.

It happened, it´s over.

Wow.

Your fiancé
kisses his ex-girlfriend,

And you just let it go?

You´ve really grown,
benny.

What are you talking about?

Oh, god.
George is gonna k*ll me.

Not if you´re dead already.
Talk.

[ Men shouting, laughing ]

Guys, what´s going on?

Gentlemen,
it is time for the main event.

[ Sexy music plays ]

Boys,
our featured entertainer´s

Been bumping
and grinding

Since the cuban
m*ssile crisis.

Joe, trust me, you might want
to leave those dirty.

She´s not what
you´d expect,

But let´s give her a big round
of applause anyways.

Please welcome to the stage
the lovely gina!

Gina.

[ All cheering ]

[ Pounding ]

Okay, this might be
a blessing in disguise.

Amy,
what are you doing?!

I am here to win back
the man that I love.

What the hell
are you thinking, amy?

This is the bachelor party

For the guy
who´s gonna marry my mom.

You shouldn´t even be here.

Ernie, take her home.

But i´m gonna
miss the show!

It´s gina.

Oh, that´s true.
Amy, let´s go.

No. No. Randy is making
a big mistake marrying benny!

We know that,
but he loves her,

And it´s his choice,
so let it go.

No! I can´t!

Randy, are you in here?

Yeah, i´m here.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I´m wearing the same
red dress I wore

The first moment you ever
told me you loved me.

You can´t give up
all the things

You said you wanted
when we were together.

You said you wanted family.
You wanted children.

I´m ready to give that
to you now. Is benny?

You said you wanted
to grow old together.

Do you really want somebody

With that much
of a head start, randy?

Amy.

It´s benny.

The next sound you hear
will be me...

Hitting you
with a waffle iron!

Mom, back off!

Amy´s leaving!

Not unless
randy tells me to.

Tell her, randy.

Randy, tell her
you´re marrying my mom.

I do want kids.

Benny, I love you...

But I need some time
to think.

Take all the time
you want.

"Take a chance
on the guy."

Right.

Come on, amy.

Oh, randy...

[ Sighs ]

Come over
whenever you´re ready.

Oh, oh, and if the lights
aren´t on,

That doesn´t mean
i´m not home.

I might just be reading.

You mad that I told her
about the kiss?

No.

It´s better
that she found out now.

What are you gonna
say to her?

Well, i´m gonna tell her
that she´ll find somebody else.

I mean, randy can´t be
the only guy

Interested in a cranky,
50-something,

Chain-smoking
factory work--

You know what?
I´m gonna lie.

How you doing?

Never better.

You know...
You were right.

Randy is a jerk, mom.

That doesn´t mean there´s not
somebody else out there for you.

They all turn out
to be jerks.

I didn´t learn
one damn thing

When your father
walked out on me.

You are the only man
in my life

Who hasn´t
totally disappointed me.

Really?

Don´t get me wrong --
you got your faults.

I mean, you´re stubborn,
you spoil your kids,

You spend way too much
freaking time on your hair,

And you let
your wife lead you around

Like a mutt
who´s had his junk yanked --

All right!

I´m glad
you´re feeling better, mom.

Good night.

You know,
if it would help,

I´d go sit in a playpen
with a diaper on,

And you could yell,

"This is all your fault.
I hate you."

That´s funny.

You thought that old aquarium
was a playpen.

Heck of a party
last night, george.

Well,
i´m glad you had fun.

I had fun, all right.
I took the party home with me.

I met a lady.

Congratulations.
Don´t need to hear any more.

I had a lot to drink.

I don´t remember
all the details,

Like her name
or what she looked like

Or why there´s a clump of hair
missing from my back.

Please stop.

You left this
in my car...

Stallion.