03x05 - Carmen's Dating

[bunniefuu]

I mean, George, please.

The music inspires my cooking, chico.

Lean over the stove some more.

I didn't get enough gray chest hair last time.

Your dad's been here a month.

How long is he gonna stay? We can't kick him out while he's getting over the divorce.

He's staying here as long as he needs to.

End of discussion.

All right.

Now I know what you've been knitting.

A to-go bag for my son's huevos.

- Hello, everyone.

- Hey, honey.

- Hey.

- I had the best day at school.

Thank you so much for sending me to Allendale.

You are the best parents in the world.

No.

No what? You want something, and the answer's, "No, you're just too young.

" - You don't even know what it is? - What is it? I wanna date.

No, you're just too young.

Angie, I got it right.

Mom, I think I'm ready to date.

Carmen, we've had this discussion.

You're 14.

That's too young to be going out alone with boys.

But I'll be 15 next month.

Well, I didn't start dating until I was 17.

Yeah, but you'd been trying for, like, five years.

Stop telling her things.

Wanna see what happens when you start dating too early? Oh, Dad.

That.

You know what? I wasn't so much dating boys at 15 as Mom.

- Having sex with them.

What'd you think I was gonna say? Ha-ha.

I'm not gonna have sex, but everyone's dating at Allendale.

You wanna start dating? You bring home a boy with straight A's who doesn't drink, no piercings, no tattoos.

Then we get to interview him for three hours.

Yeah, you don't like that idea much, do you? But if you wanna date, that's the deal so - Think about it.

Jason, they wanna meet you.

How you doing, Mr.

Lopez? - Mrs.

Lopez.

- Hi.

It's nice to finally meet you.

- Wow.

- Mom.

If I was 35 years younger he would've been your daddy, George.

Do you own a car? Sometimes my parents let me borrow the van.

Does this van have shag carpeting, huh? A black light? A water bed in the back? No.

Most of the back's taken up by my brother's wheelchair.

Your question.

Is Carmen you first girlfriend? No, but it's not like I've dated a lot.

Do you have a transcript of your grades on you right now? Dad, he gets straight A's.

And I'm a responsible driver.

And my parents would k*ll me before you guys had the chance if I ever did anything with Carmen.

So your parents are violent.

I think we're done here, okay? - Kids, give us a minute.

- Okay.

All right, let's think about this rationally, huh? If we had to pick a boy for Carmen he's the one.

A quarterback with straight A's who drives his disabled brother around in a van.

Can't she do better, Angie? I say we give Carmen our permission to date.

Maybe dating probation.

Fine.

I mean, what if this kid is just telling us what we wanna hear? It's like when hot women say they're into sports.

Then you marry them and ten minutes into Sports Center it's like: "Let's talk about us.

" I still like sports.

Yeah, but you used to sleep naked too.

What happened to that? - We talked.

Mm-hm.

You guys can go out.

- That's great.

- Thank you.

But you pick her up at the door, and you're in by 10.

And pay for her movies, dinners, and all of her schoolbooks.

Her schoolbooks? So where are you two gonna go tonight? Oh, I don't know, whatever Jason wants.

I'm fine just hanging out and watching some TV.

Órale, that works for me.

What's everybody doing? Me and Ernie are watching the game.

Carmen and Jason are on a date.

Again? Don't you guys ever wanna go out for pizza or to a movie or the mall or something? Thanks, Mrs.

Lopez, but we've got everything we need here.

Isn't he dreamy? George, help me put these in the kitchen.

Hey, Daddy, what are you doing? Well, now that I am a single man, I have to practice my ironing.

Maybe you could practice closing that robe.

I'm starting to catch a little plantain action out of the corner of my eye.

Carmen and Jason have been dating for three weeks but they've never gone out.

Don't you think that's weird? Yeah, it's weird, but who cares? I can keep my eye on them.

The only groping on that couch is when Ernie dropped a chip down his shirt.

They're up to something.

I just don't know what it is.

What did you want when you were 16? Sex.

It's what all teenage boys want.

You spend all day plotting ways to get sex.

Even when you're older, you still plot.

You think that massage I gave you last night was because I cared about your aching muscles? Ha-ha.

Do you think I actually fell asleep during the massage? Oh, you know this doesn't make sense.

I mean, we told them that they could go out.

If they wanted to - You know they could have done it at any time.

Something else is going on.

He's gay.

- What? - Jason just wants people to think he has a girlfriend.

Could be.

But, Ernie, if you wanted people to think that you had a girlfriend wouldn't you take her out and show her off? Hey, I don't know how gay men think.

Can we talk for a second? Your dad and I don't understand what's going on between you two.

We gave you permission to go and date, but you never leave the house.

What? Relax, you guys.

We're going to the homecoming dance Friday.

Isn't that considered going out? I guess.

Oh, touchdown! This totally sucks.

Olivia, you were my ride to the dance.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Bye.

I thought Jason was picking you up.

No, he's going with his friends.

I was gonna meet him there.

The deal was he was supposed to pick you up at the front door.

Like a gentleman.

That's not how it works anymore.

This isn't the Stone Age.

I wish it was.

We would've eaten you during winter.

- I'll just walk.

- No.

We're driving you.

No, no.

I don't want you to take me.

It's embarrassing.

Well, you're not walking.

Fine.

All you have to do is drop me off, make a U-turn and drive away really fast.

We tried that when you were 3, but you kept finding your way home.

Oh, look.

There's Jason.

You don't have to drive me that far.

Please just drop me right here.

J-man.

What's up, homeboy? What's up, man? Go ahead, sweetie.

Jason.

Wait up for Carmen.

Carmen? Oh, yeah.

I've seen you in the cafeteria.

Nice to meet you.

That's how you treat your girlfriend? Girlfriend? Yeah, right.

Girlfriend, huh? - I'm going home.

- Carmen.

Follow her, make sure she's okay.

I'll deal with Jason.

It's bad enough to ignore my daughter, but I thought we had something.

"What's up, man?" I don't think so.

Yo, Breakfast Club.

We need to talk.

Everybody out.

Now.

Yo.

Let's go, man.

Squeeze and waddle.

Move.

What happened? Why did you pretend not to know my daughter? Mr.

Lopez, I really like Carmen.

Come on, you gotta believe me.

- I know it must've looked bad out there.

- Bad? Jason, you humiliated her.

But I didn't want to.

You see Okay, Carmen's new at Allendale, right? And my friends we already have our group.

Now, I honestly intended on taking her out but, you know, who she is and who I am Come on, man.

Get to the point.

We really can't be seen together in public.

Look, my daughter deserves respect.

Since you can't give it to her you're not allowed to see her anymore.

Do you understand me? Maybe you should leave that up to Carmen.

Not yet.

You know, man, I knew cool guys like you in high school.

You know what happened to them? They peaked at 17.

And the rest of their lives was all downhill from there, so go ahead, homeboy protect your big reputation while you can.

I'd hate to see where you're gonna be five years from now.

I have an early admission to Stanford.

You couldn't get in any schools around here, huh? All right, then where you gonna be ten years from now, fool? I hope to open a charitable organization to assist people in wheelchairs.

You're tired of driving your brother around, huh? Selfish.

You disgust me.

Go ahead.

Hey, that better not have been my last beer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I would give it back but now it is coursing through my alimentary canal pushed forward by tiny esophageal cilia.

You know, everyone hates you here.

- What? - You're a burden to everyone.

You get in everybody's way.

You've been here too long.

Go, get a life.

No one has told me this.

I don't wanna be a burden on anyone.

Too late.

Hey, wait a minute.

You are always here.

What's your excuse? I don't just mooch off this family.

I have a purpose here.

Hey, Grandma, you left your cigarettes in my room.

Can I keep the matches? Why, you certainly may.

I'm a caregiver.

Carmen, open up.

Go away.

I already told Mom I don't wanna talk about it.

I talked to Jason.

What did you say to him? Don't worry.

I told him it was over, and that he couldn't see you again.

Why would you do that? I'm helping you.

You know what he said to me? He couldn't be seen with you because you're not one of the popular girls.

- That was our deal.

What? He was trying to protect me.

Jason is super popular.

If the popular girls found out, they'd be really mean to me.

So when other people were around, we would pretend not to know each other.

He didn't want me to get hurt.

Oh, well, thank God there's a logical explanation.

I mean, I thought you were being used.

You're right.

He's sweet.

You just don't understand.

Carmen, this kid doesn't care about you.

He's embarrassed to be seen with you.

Where's your self-respect? - I'm gonna call him.

- No.

Yes.

Carmen, no.

Listen.

Your mother was a lot more popular than me, but she took me everywhere no matter how ashamed she was.

I'm gonna see Jason again.

Where? He won't be seen with you in public and he's not coming here.

He'll find a way.

Man, sometimes you are dumber than the dog.

The song ended.

Love you.

Carmen seems better the last couple of days, doesn't she? Yeah.

I think we can start giving her a Kn*fe at dinner again.

Did Jason call? No.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're better off without him.

No, I was just stupid to think he'd ever stay with me.

How did this happen? Our daughter has no self-esteem.

I say steer into the skid.

Dye her hair blond and send her to stripper school.

I have something to say.

Vic Palmero is not a burden.

I'm leaving your home.

What? Daddy, no.

We're gonna need that key back, bro.

Daddy, you don't have to leave.

We love having you here.

Don't worry.

I found a condominium in One Thousand Oaks.

I'm staying in Los Angeles to be close to my family.

Daddy, I'm so glad you're gonna stay.

Yeah, but I will have my own life because I'm putting an ad on cubancompanions.

Com.

George, tomorrow I will need you to take an action picture of me in a t*nk top.

Great.

He's gonna be over here all the time.

I married you.

I didn't marry your father.

Why should I have to suffer? Whoa.

Time to take these puppies off the leash.

I got it.

Oh.

What are you doing here? I came to apologize.

Jason, are you crazy? What if the super popular kids saw you? You might lose your reputation and be forced to eat lunch with the debate team.

- I'm captain of the debate team.

- Okay, lunch.

Come in.

I'm sorry for the way I treated your daughter.

And with your permission I'd like to tell Carmen I'm sorry.

Sit.

Carmen, Jason's here.

That's not funny.

No, he's really here.

Carmen.

I'm sorry I was such a jerk.

You never called me back.

You made me go through hell for a week.

You really hurt me.

I know but I want us to be together again.

Okay.

I mean, I wanna take you out in public.

Okay.

I mean, that's up to you.

You wanna come to football practice and watch me? Okay.

Can I go, please? Can I go? Yeah, you can go.

- Okay.

- Let's go.

Thanks, Mr.

And Mrs.

Lopez for everything.

We did a good job with Jason, Angie.

He's not ours.

Our boy's going to Stanford.

Great.

Our daughter with unbelievably low self-esteem is dating the popular guy in school, and she'll do anything to make him happy.

You see any trouble down the road there? And now, gentlemen, please welcome on the main stage Carmen Lopez.

Show her that you care, boys.

Tips on the hips only.

Tips on the hips.

George, this picture has to win over the women at cubancompanions.

Com.

Hm? It has to show all my sides.

I want to be serious, but lighthearted.

Sexy, but sophisticated.

Mature, but with a puppy-like playfulness.

Eh? Okay.

I can get that.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Did you hear the news? Castro d*ed.

What? That's a wrap.