03x27 - What George Doesn't Noah (1)

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, honey.

- Hey.

- What are you guys doing here? - Birthday dinner, remember? I'm kidding.

Of course I remember.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

- I love you.

- Uh Oh, the place called, and the thing I got you is on its way from Paris.

It's not my birthday.

Well, then I'll hold onto it until April.

Ah.

That's your birthday.

Oh! I want a new putter.

You heard? Don't tell me you don't have any idea whose birthday it is? Of course I do.

Happy birthday, you.

Oh! It's Grandma's birthday.

Come on, Angie.

Last year when I said we should go out for my mother's birthday I meant, so that she couldn't find us.

George, here's my last time card.

Okay.

Let's see what you did last week.

You vandalized the factory, you gambled online with the company credit card you sold a bag of oregano to Slow Bill in shipping.

So even though you're the boss' son, you don't get crap.

Watch that.

Oh.

Since I'm not working with your dad anymore, what are you doing Friday night? Going out with my boyfriend.

I'd never go out with some jerk who trashes the place where my dad works.

- Right.

She's not going out with you as long as I'm alive.

When did you get a boyfriend? I don't like the sound of this, George.

We haven't even met the boy.

Out.

Come on.

Oh, Georgie.

No kiss goodbye? Yeah, I'd love one.

Let me bend over and drop my pants.

Finally.

So where are we going for dinner? Someplace quiet, so you can tell us about your new boyfriend.

I don't have a new boyfriend.

I was saying that so he'd leave me alone.

If you don't have a boyfriend, who were you talking to on the phone last night? "I'm only a good kisser because I'm kissing you.

" I can't wait until you finally get your first girlfriend.

My kids are gonna love walking it and feeding it.

So you are pregnant.

- Butt munch.

- Butt weed.

- Butt face.

- Okay, stop it.

You're both butt-munching, butt-weeding, butt faces.

Carmen, why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone? It's too early for you guys to meet him.

When I was dating Jason, you and Dad were all over us.

It was impossible.

But, look, Carmen, you're still 15.

You can't date anyone unless we meet him.

Eh, that's my phone.

Okay, happy birthday to me.

Let's get this dinner over with.

Come on.

So how old are you, Grandma? How old was I last year? None of my stinking business.

Ha, ha.

Oh, you remembered.

It was too soon to bring Noah here.

Dad's gonna mess it up.

Carmen, relax.

Your dad just wanted a few minutes to get to know him.

A few minutes? It only took him five seconds to convince my last boyfriend that I was born without a tongue.

And that this was a donor from a cow.

In your dad's defense, you do chew very slowly, with your mouth open.

Well, congratulate me.

I just finished my last history test.

You've been in class this whole time? It's 6:00.

I thought you were at soccer practice.

No, the teacher let me stay a little longer to finish.

Hey, did you know that the classroom lights go out automatically if you don't move for 20 minutes? So how'd you do? Who wrote the Declaration of Independence? Thomas Jefferson.

Seriously? Well, uh, now we wait.

- What could they be talking about? - Carmen, your father's old fashioned.

I'm sure he wants to know what Noah's intentions are.

You got your bun warmer, extra burner, temperature gauge.

Huh? Rotisserie attachment.

Did I need it? No.

Do I use it? No.

Happy I got it? You bet your ass.

You know, the steaks look perfect.

You know, son, the T-bone isn't an easy steak to grill.

Because it's actually two steaks in one.

That's right.

Hey.

I was driving by, I saw the smoke, I got worried.

I thought you might be having steaks without me.

You must be Grandma Benny.

- Who the hell are you? - Mom.

This is Noah, Carmen's new boyfriend.

Carmen's told me a lot of nice things about you.

Yeah? Name one.

Oh, she says you can mix your own margaritas in your mouth.

Well, yeah.

You know, when you're babysitting, you have to find ways to amuse the kids.

Hey, Noah, can you help me set the table? Oh, sure, sure, yeah.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Two cute boyfriends in a row.

Hey, you know what? Maybe I should start wearing my jeans real low like that.

Oh, look, Mom, it's all of America calling to ask you not to.

Better give this to Noah.

Oh.

What is it? It's a text message.

"Let me know when you get rid of Carmen.

Can't wait to see you tonight.

" He's cheating on my daughter.

Well It's like my mother always said to me.

"Get cheated on once, shame on them.

Get cheated on twice, start putting out.

" Mrs.

Lopez, your cooking is delicious.

Thank you.

You're so sweet.

You know, we still have some corn and beans left.

- I'll have a little of both.

- Of course you will.

You're not happy with just corn.

No, not you.

You gotta have a little beans on the side.

You had better be careful.

Some night, you're gonna be eating beans and you're gonna get all screwed up and say, "I love you, corn.

" What are you guys talking about? Hey, look, I'm just saying Look, I made a commitment to corn Sure, I'm a man.

I like to go to a barbecue and see beans I like.

Baked beans.

Red beans.

Black beans.

Big, plump garbanzos.

But, no.

I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

George.

Benny.

The corn needs a word.

- What the hell are you doing? - Angie, he's cheating on Carmen.

- How do you know? - We saw his cell phone.

He got a text message.

"Let me know when you can get rid of Carmen.

Can't wait to see you tonight.

" Okay.

It sounds suspicious, but it could mean a lot of things.

It could be a girl who's a friend, or a cousin who hasn't seen him in a long time.

You just got the green light for side action, because she will never figure it out.

Angie.

My daughter just got her heart broken by a guy that's cheated on her.

I'm not gonna stand by and do nothing.

Honey, we almost ruined her last relationship by interfering too much.

I don't think that we should do anything until we know for sure.

I know for sure that guy's a liar.

- How? - He said your cooking was delicious.

What? Either he's a liar, or he's never had food before.

Noah's gotta take off.

- Yeah, I got an early swim practice tomorrow.

- I hope Mr.

Lopez didn't scare you away.

Carmen's been through a lot lately, and he's being a little overprotective.

I completely understand.

Mr.

Lopez, I promise I will treat Carmen right.

I will always be straight with her.

I will never, ever hurt her.

It was nice meeting everyone.

Thank you so much for dinner.

You're welcome.

See you.

Bye.

So? Seems like a nice kid to me.

You know what? You're right.

I guess I could learn from you, and not always think the worst of people.

Oh, honey.

Get your car.

We're gonna follow that little maggot.

I did not need a car to catch your father cheating.

I just went knocking on the neighbors' doors until someone looked surprised.

Hey.

This is the biggest tub of popcorn I've ever seen and it still doesn't cover your head.

He's obviously here to meet a girl.

No guy comes to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow by himself.

Man.

Guys will do anything to get some.

It's not that bad.

I saw it with Angie last week.

Ding, ding, ding.

My hodar's going off.

- Oh, he is cheating.

- Boy.

Too bad this isn't an action movie.

We could use some explosions to cover his screams when we kick his butt.

Don't worry, Mom.

There's plenty of noise when the farm girl gives birth to the cheese-maker's kid in the barn.

There's a little nudity, but it's tastefully done.

- Did you see that? - I saw it, I saw it.

He kissed a guy.

Oh, man, that kid's a player, he's just playing for the other team.

Shh! Have some respect.

Max? What are you doing up? I can't sleep.

You know, if I failed that history test, I won't pass the fifth grade.

Honey.

Your dad and I talked about this.

We know that you've worked hard all year, and you've done your best.

If you get held back, you'll still be all right.

A lot of famous people never even finished elementary school.

Um Charles Dickens.

Mark Twain.

Thomas Edison.

How about someone I've heard of? Max, it's, uh, late.

Go to bed, son.

Where have you two been? Okay, Angie, you're never gonna believe this.

We followed Noah to see if he was cheating on Carmen.

George, you're gonna ruin Carmen's chances with this guy.

The only chances Carmen has is if she gets a buzz cut or she starts packing some socks.

Angie, he's gay.

How do you know? Well, we followed him, and he went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow.

That doesn't mean he's gay.

I know one guy who saw it just to get his wife in the mood.

And then all throughout the movie, he kept nudging her.

"Are you ready yet? Are you ready yet? Wow, that was a triumph of the human spirit.

Are you ready yet?" Look, Angie, we saw him kissing a dude.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes.

It couldn't have been a friendly peck on the cheek, like they do in Europe? Look, I've never been to Europe.

But if it's filled with gay teenage boys tongue wrestling, then, yeah, it was like that.

This is gonna k*ll Carmen.

- I know.

Where is she? - She already went to bed.

I'll tell her in the morning.

But can you believe this punk? Well, he is a jock.

Maybe he's afraid to come out of the closet so he's using Carmen as a cover.

I can't even imagine what Noah must be feeling.

Hell, I don't have to imagine.

I saw what he was feeling.

- It was muscular and 17 - Mom! - Morning.

- Zack, what are you doing here? - My dad's still home.

- I wanted to take you to school.

Noah's coming to pick me up.

My parents totally believe he's my boyfriend.

- Zack, don't blow this.

- Relax.

We'll call him on the way.

Come on.

Fine.

I'll meet you at the end of the block.

Now go.

Get out.

How come you never wear this tube top for me? That's a headband.

Fine.

Then put this thong on.

- That's a shoelace.

- Work with me.

- Carmen, can I talk to you? - I'll be down in a minute.

- This can't wait.

- Uh, can we talk downstairs? I'm starving.

Um, you know, this is kind of private, so sit down.

Look.

I know you don't like when your mom and I interfere in your life but we have to do things that are for your own good.

Oh, Daddy.

I understand.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Oh.

Well, let me finish.

Carmen, there's no easy way to say this.

Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Oh, my God.

Look, I know, I don't like it either.

But just because Noah's gay it has nothing to do with you, okay? This doesn't mean that you're ugly or you're stupid.

He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

This is so devastating.

- Oh, honey.

- I really need some time alone, Dad.

Okay.

Carmen, there's no way you could have known.

I mean, these things happen.

Mrs.

Gonzalez down the street still doesn't know about her husband Victor.

Mr.

Gonzalez is gay? How many straight men do you know that breed Labradoodles? - How'd she take it? - She's pretty upset.

Poor Carmen.

She must feel so betrayed.

Yeah, the way you must have felt when you went out with that guy Brian in high school.

Brian? Brian wasn't gay.

Yeah, he was.

Do you really want me to tell you how I know Brian wasn't gay? - No.

- I'm just playing.

- He was very, very gay.

- Okay, that's all I'm saying.

- I'm gonna be late for school.

- Honey, are you okay? - Do you need to talk? - Too soon, Mom.

Too soon.

I'll call her on her cell at lunch to make sure she's all right.

What about Chad? He was gay.

Yes, he was.

Everybody before you was gay.

- Okay, that's all I'm saying.

- Right.

Hey, Mr.

And Mrs.

Lopez.

Is Carmen ready? She just left.

You know, Noah, I went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night.

Saw the whole thing.

Didn't you love the ending, when the cheese maker comes home from w*r but can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms.

But his son shows up and says: "Papa, I'll be your hands.

" - That part.

- Ah.

Yeah, that was really moving.

But I meant the gay horseplay.

What? Mr.

Lopez saw you being very friendly with another boy.

We talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open.

So nobody has to sneak around anymore.

Oh, well, thank God, because I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zack.

- Zack? - Zack Powers? Heh.

- Um, actually - Wait, wait, wait.

She was seeing Zack Powers behind our back, and you were her cover? I'm really sorry about this.

You guys were so nice to me and your mother, I enjoyed meeting your mother - Enough of your lies.

- Sorry.

Out! "I enjoyed meeting your mother.

" Look, Angie, I know I've said this a lot, but this time, I mean it.

I am gonna k*ll Carmen.

I am tired of you not including me when it comes to parenting.

We are gonna k*ll Carmen.

- So we'll have one kid left.

- Max is a good boy.

He'll be our future.

Well, I'm off to fail the fifth grade.

Why didn't we let his hair grow long? We could raise him as a dog.

Then the neighbors would say, "Wow, your dog can read.

Kind of.

" Yeah.

Mark.

When you're babysitting you have to have find ways to keep the kids entertained.

Hey, Zack, can you help me set the table? - Sure, sure.

Excuse me.

- Zack? Are you seeing Zack? Zack? Oh, no! Are you seeing Zack? Mom, don't worry.

There'll be plenty of noise when the farm-maker's girl gives birth to the cheese-maker's kid thing and the - The what-cha.

- Make a lot of noise?