34x05 - Not It

[bunniefuu]

MRS. GUMBLE: Barney,
did you finish your milk?

Yes, Ma.
(burps)

MRS. GUMBLE:
Have fun playing in the gutter!

BARNEY:
Anchors aweigh!

(laughing)

It's floating.

It's still floating!

This is fun to me.
I love you, paper boat!

(laughs)

Oh, no!

Aw...

- Hiya, Barn.
- (gasps)

I'm Krusto, the funniest clown

in the whole wide world.

Uh, people who have to tell you
they're funny usually aren't.

Can I get my boat back,
sewer clown?

Why, sure.

Just reach in and take it.

Hmm.
(straining)

That's right, build the tension.

(growls)

BARNEY: Aah!

Keep the boat!
Keep the boat!

Ow! Ow!
(screaming)

[♪]

Don't worry, Barn.

When a kid goes missing in this
town, we find them.

Hmm... Mm...

Sorry, Waylon.

Hey there, Ruthie.

How are the little ones?

Oh, you know kids.
Still miss in.'

Ah, they disappear
so fast, don't they?

(chuckles)

[♪]

(grunting)

(laughing)

Hey there, Simpson.

Super-Intense-Kid Chalmers!

Look what I traded my dog for.

- (yelps)
- (cackles)

Huh?

Creepy clown, go get help!

- Hmm? - Hmm?
- Hmm?

(grunting)

After him!

(grunting)

Step away from
the whimpering coward.

(grunting)

Time to bring out the big g*ns.

(grunting)

Aah! (Groans)

It's a fair fight.

Let's run away!

(all whimpering)

HOMER: Hmm?

Oh, oh, you're hurt,
you poor thing.

No girl has ever
called me a "thing" before.

I've seen you guys around.

You're the school outsiders,
aren't you?

We sure are.
The comic book nerd, the tomboy.

The scuzz.

And the one Black kid
in all of Maine.

We call ourselves
The Losers Club.

It's a name we are
no longer fighting.

Ooh.

We have a first aid kit
in our clubhouse. Come on.

Um, FYI, new guy.

I called dibs on Marge
in the second grade.

Find your own secret knockout

who doesn't recognize
her own self-worth. (Grunts)

Sweet clubhouse, right?

They used it to store
tartar sauce during the w*r.

You're all gonna
think I'm crazy,

but when those bullies
were gonna k*ll me,

I saw an evil clown.

I-I've seen the clown, too.

I was in the bathroom,
uh, painting my nails...

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow!

(timer dings)

Hmm? (Grunts)

Come on, I need water.

CLOWN:
How's about...

a little seltzer?

Aah!

(whimpers)

Help!

He...

(panting)

- (burps)
- Holy moly,

bleach your mustache.

You look like El DeBarge.

The clown knew my greatest fear:

Drowning in seltzer.

- HOMER: Mm.
- (clears throat)

I saw the clown, too.

But he came to me
as a ventriloquist dummy.

- Hey, kid.
- Hmm?

I went on a date
with your mother last night.

(whimpers)

You might want to check her
for splinters!

(cackles)

He was implying they made love.

I was in my bedroom, reading.

Wanna swap spit?

Aah!

- (cackles)
- Aah!

I saw him too.

He came to me as the rotting
corpse of my grandmother

in a hot tub full of maggots.

We get it, we get it,
no need for a flashback.

I bet that evil clown is the one

who took all the missing kids
in town.

We need to find out
what we're up against.

Which means doing the thing
we all fear most:

- Homework.
- Aah!

- Oh God, no.
- But it's summer.

HOMER:
Your arm is summer lightning.

Your bravery, the storm.

Hmm. (Gasps)

Like a chimp at the zoo,
I'm bananas for you.

MARGE:
Homer!

Homer, I found him.
In this.

The clown has been
in King field before.

He's always been here.

BROCKMAN:
Channel and Fume Champ

Super-Leaded Gasoline present

The Yuk-Yuk Hour
with Krusto the Clown.

- (applause)
- (kids cheering)

Hey, hey!

Thanks for the big hand.

(audience laughs)

In he had a radio hour.

In , a vaudeville review.

And in , he was
an emcee for a freak show.

And the strangest thing is...

He was never, ever funny.

He comes back every years.

And when he does...

I gorge myself on pre-teens.

ALL:
Aah!

(laughs)

Aah! Oh. (Grunting)

(kids whimper, scream)

What's the difference
between a Twinkie and a fat kid?

I don't feel guilty
when I eat a fat kid.

(children laughing)

Ah...

Homer, catch!

Gah! My wattle!

My beautiful wattle!

Now I'm really big and scary!

(gasps)

Temporary setba...

I don't want to die
and be buried in a kid coffin.

It costs the same
as a regular-sized.

I overheard my parents
pricing 'em.

- (sobbing)
- Calm down.

(grunts)
Well, that's my fetish now.

Look, don't you see?

We hurt him.

And if we can hurt him,
we can k*ll him.

Ooh.

Oh...

[♪]

Hmm?

(scoffs)
"Bananas for you"?

- HOMER: Mm?
- Oh!

(laughing)

That romantic
son of a bitch.

When she reads this,
she'll be his forever.

(all shudder)

(all gasp)

HOMER:
Free candy?

(gasps) Let's eat it
before the clown shows up!

- (laughs) Aah!
- Aah!

Hey, hey, kids!

What time is it?

CHILDREN:
Time to laugh for Krusto.

att*ck!

(exclaims)

Our whimsical weapons...
They're useless.

Don't you kids get it?

I'm completely invinci...

Whoa! (Exclaiming)

Aah!

(groans, grunts)

Oh!

(laughing)

Wait, I never
heard that before.

Real laughter.
That I actually earned.

Hey, hey, kids,
if you like that,

watch this.

(exclaiming)

Hot!

(laughing)

Eh? Eh?

He's k*lling himself
for laughs.

Hey, clown.

Why don't you eat these?

Oh!
Cherry bombs in the mouth.

That's a great gag.

Oh...

So this is what it feels like
not to b*mb.

Whoa!

(exclaiming)

No, you tricked me!

You're nothing
but a bunch of losers.

And that's all you'll ever be!

- (gasps)
- (sighs)

We're not dead.

Somebody pinch me.

Somebody slap me.

A-Any one of yo use.
Doesn't-doesn't matter.

Guys, let's make a pact:

If the clown comes back
in years,

no matter where we all end up,

we'll come back home
and finish the job.

Now let's find out
if this water is deep enough

- for jumpin'!
- (whooping)

Uh...

- Mwah.
- Huh?

I got your poem.

I want my first love to be
the boy who wrote those words.

B-By that, you mean me,
of course.

Kiss me
for the rest of the summer.

Wait, this isn't right.

I'm the one I wanted Marge
to fall in love with.

Eh, cheer up, Homer.

We got our whole lives
ahead of us.

Maybe you guys do.

I think mine just ended.

Oh, Marge.
Mwah, kissing.

- This.
- I'm so happy.

Oh yes.
(giggling)

- (grunts)
- Hey,

that bakery wasn't here
this morning.

Well, there's no kids around.

Might as well bully adults.

Hey Pie Man!
Gimme a...

(grunts)

Dude, are you okay?

(all screaming)

[♪]

(Lenny laughs)

Oh, Moleman,

I can't imagine my life
without you seated next to me

every night
here at D'ohs Tavern.

You're my best friend.

I'm cold.

(sighs)

Hmm?

One teen was k*lled
by a pie to the face.

Another's intestines were
twisted into balloon animals.

And the last, choked by a chain
of hankies so long,

police are still pulling it out.

No, the clown can't be back.

Unless it's...
(gasps)

years later.

I got to tell the other Losers
that it's time to come home,

so we can end this.

I wonder if their lives
turned out as lousy as mine.

[♪]

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

♪ Here I am. ♪

(cheering, applause)

Thank you, Las Vegas.

Yeah, rock and roll.

Message for you
from your old hometown.

Something about
a childhood pact.

Ah...

A pact is a pact.
I'm on my way.

Uh, I got to go, guys.

Oh, here's the instructions
for destroying the asteroid.

You got this!

ANNOUNCER:
Ten, nine...

Homer, it's so nice
to hear your voice

after all these years.

Wow, CEO of your own company.

You know, I pictured you growing
up to be a softball superstar.

Aw, you were always so sweet.

How have you been?

So good.
I practically live on Reddit.

But did you ever get the feeling

that we missed our chance?

I do.
I sure wish

we'd done it years ago.

(gasps) Me too!
Oh, it's all I think about.

Oh, you mean k*ll Krusto.

Yeah, that would've
been good, too.

Oh, I want to help,
but I'm not sure I can.

I have responsibilities now.

- Hi, Mom.
- What up, Big Blue?

Bert, my little jazz tubist.

And Lizzie,
my special little gal.

Mom, I got an A-plus on my
Elizabeth Cady Stanton diorama.

I threw a stink b*mb
in the teacher's lounge

and bike-locked the door.

Well, I'm so proud
of one of those things.

Who's Homer Simpson?

That's a dumb-ass name.

Really?
Our father's name is...

Comic Book Guy.

Homer Simpson is someone
we knew back in King field.

A town we will
never set foot in again.

Mm...

Homer needs us.
We're the only ones

who can k*ll the clown.

We're adults now.

A kid m*rder*r is a kid problem.

What happened to the boy
who admired my bravery so much

he put it in a poem?

B-By that, you mean me,
of course.

Well, I am a husband now,
and a father.

And I'm-I'm...

- I'm...
- The same little coward...

You always were!
(roars)

Aah!

Marge, I had a dream
about him.

He was just as scary
as I remember,

but updated
for a Gen Z audience.

Honey? Honey?

(grumbles)

To the Losers.

The Losers.

So, how the hell are we gonna
stop that unkillable clown?

We ain't exactly children
no more.

Yeah, but we're still friends.

We're still
full of childlike wonder.

We're still virgins.

- Eesh.
- Mm...

Yeah, we're still, uh...
(clears throat)

Well, whenever
I need to find my courage,

I think of a poem Comic Book Guy
wrote for me when we were kids.

Poem?

It's why
I fell in love with him.

Marge, there's something

I have to tell you right now,

because if I wait
even one more second...

I'm talking one single second,
just one...

Something might happen
that will make me not...

- (door opens)
- BERT and LIZZIE: Mom!

Oh... be able to tell you.

Kids, no,
what are you doing here?

They're here
to collect their mother.

Kids, be good
and wait in the car.

Mommy and Daddy have some
grown-up yelling to discuss.

Mom and Dad's hometown
sure sucks.

Misspelled pet cemetery,
Salem's parking lot,

mysterious antique store
that charges by the soul.

What the hell are you watching?

Oh...

Wake up!
We barely escaped last time.

Why risk our lives now
when we have so much to lose?

Present Homers excluded.

(phones dinging, ringing)

Hope you Losers weren't
thinking of leaving just yet.

Not without seeing
my new star attraction.

Help, Mom!

Dad, get your fat ass
down here!

No!

(cackles)

Our kids!

Our phones.

Now it's personal.

Just like it always was.

(grunts)

(sniffs) I smell
thousand-year-old flop sweat.

We must be close.

- LIZZIE: Finally!
- BERT: Mom, Dad!

- Up here!
- (gasps)

Kids! Oh...

Aah!

Well, well.
If it isn't the Losers.

Say hello to my studio audience.

(children laughing)

There's no laughter
like forced laughter.

We're not afraid of you
anymore, clown.

You have no power over us.

He's an astronaut,
she's a seltzer big wig,

and I'm a world-famous,

um, virgin.

Oh, damn it.

The point is we've conquered
our childhood fears.

Ah, but adults have something
much tastier than fears.

Anxieties.

Millions of tiny,

delicious anxieties.

(yelps)

Oh!

(screeching)

You know what I'm thankful for?

The filibuster.
Let's talk about it.

ALL:
Aah!

- (screeching)
- (all whimpering)

But you... you've got something

worth worrying about.

Why don't I tell Marge

you put your name on the poem

that won her heart, eh?

(yelps)

No, no, please.

It-it wasn't you?

I tried to tell you,
just not very hard.

My life is a lie.

Oh...

He must get his sinister powers

from his c*ptive audience.

Just like Jimmy Fallon.

You have to destroy the sign!

Only you can do it, Marge.

Your arm is summer lightning.

Your bravery, the storm.

You're the chimp in the zoo.

And I'm still bananas for you.

Now, throw, throw!

Hmm?

Ah...

(grunting)

(whimpering)

(grunts)

No!

Why were we laughing?

This show sucks.

Let's go up to heaven

and bask in the glory
of God's stupid love.

[♪]

My audience! No!

It took me years to grow them.

(groans)
Eh?

Aah! Oh... Oh!

I can't start over! Oh!

What would that even look like?

(whimpers)

Dancing for followers on TikTok?

(groans)

I haven't written a joke
since .

Aah!
And that material has not...

(exclaiming, grunting):
Aged...

well. Oh...

I blame cancel culture.

You were finally brave.

Does this make up for
lying to you all these years?

Oh, honey.

Of course not.

No, I get it. (Groans)

HOMER:
Mm...

Growing up isn't easy.

The traumas we lived as kids
can haunt us forever,

lurking in the corners
of our mind.

We can't undo the harm,

but with a little help,
we can survive it.

And live the life
we were always meant to.

The humans have vanquished
our thousand-year-old clown,

but surely they will be no match
for our next nightmare...

A Saint Bernard with rabies.

Mm...

An angry car?

Put that in the "maybe" pile.

How about a prom
that goes seriously wrong?

Haunted hotel?

What about some Tommyknockers?

Those sound scary.

Yes, yes!

(cackling)

- Tommyknockers.
- Tommyknockers.

(cackling continues)

- Tommyknockers.
- Tommyknockers.

(shrieks)