01x02 - The Hunger

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on
"Reginald the Vampire..."

- You really like
her, don’t you?

- Her name is Sarah.

- Maybe you should do
something about that.

- Are you busy Friday night?

- No, no, I’m not busy.

- I think it would be
fun if we went out.

- Sure.

- How have you never
been on a date before?

Leave him alone!

- I can fix this, Reggie.

- I had the weirdest
dream last night.

- No, you’re not dreaming.

- I’m a mother... vampire!

- Being a fat vampire,

that’s gonna cause some problems

within the vampire community.

- I’m going to be
like this forever.

- Vampires can’t glamour

other vampires, all right?

You need to feed, man.

- But I don’t want
to k*ll anyone.

- You don’t have to.

- We need to break up.

- I reject your
imaginary break up

and think that you
and I need to have

an open and honest conversation

about what’s going
on between us.

Could I come in now please?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Um, the best way to have
an honest conversation

is to just dive in without
hesitation or fear.

Are you...

all right?

Reginald?

Better now.

Good.

Because, um...
- Stop right there.

Don’t come any closer.

- Can’t break up if we
were never together.

- That’s a fair point,
semantically sound.

We’re on the same
wavelength here.

- I feel like there’s something
that you’re not telling me,

and Reginald, you
can tell me anything.

- I know how you
could assume that,

but there’s just some
things a man can’t share.

Try me.

What’s
the story, morning glory?

- Sarah, there is
nothing I’d rather do

than be with you,

but I can’t.

Because...

the timing’s wrong, or
the gods are against us,

or the stars are
out of alignment.

Probably all of those
things at the same time.

We can’t be together.

No, no! Sarah, what
was I thinking?

I was wrong! I don’t
care about the stars.

Of course we can be
together. We have to be.

There’s nothing in
the world I want more.

However, in the interest
of full disclosure,

I have to tell you
something, so brace yourself

because, again, fully aware

of what a shocker this
is gonna be, but...

the thing I wasn’t telling you,

my big, bold,
impossible secret is...

I’m a mother... vampir...

- No, no, I’m still
not entirely on board

with that catchphrase.

- She didn’t hear a word I said?

- Sorry, no.

- How did you even
know she was here?

- The sire bond, man.
It’s like an alarm bell.

What you feel, I feel.

- You don’t wanna
feel what I feel.

- Understood.

- You made her go.

- I just put a different
thought in her head.

- What will she
remember from tonight?

- I went a little
deeper than that.

- What?

- No first date for her to miss,

no reason for her to come here,

no conversation once she did,

and no catchphrase.

- Is Sarah gonna remember
that she likes me?

- Well, I didn’t
tell her not to, man,

but it’s an inexact science.

- So summing up again,

body issues for an eternity,

unable to control
my most basic urges,

and unfit for human interaction
including, of course, romance.

- Well, hey, hey, none
of that is permanent

except for the body part.

- Something to look
forward to then.

- Look, you need to
feed, Reggie, okay?

Nothing changes until you
get your teeth into someone.

- What if I don’t?

- Well, it won’t k*ll you,
but some very inconvenient

sh*t will start to happen.

- Define "inconvenient sh*t."

- Drop your fangs,
bite, and drink.

Oh, and don’t forget,

make them forget
after it’s over.

- I’ve never glamoured
anyone before.

- Well, it’s a part
of your nature now.

- Then come with me.
Show me how to feed.

- I can’t do that.
- Why?

- Sorry, tradition.

There comes a time when baby
birds gotta leave the nest,

even if they need a little push.

- I am not a baby bird.
- No.

No, you’re a
mother... vampire!

Resync By M_I_S
www.opensubtitles.org

- Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

- Welcome to Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?

- What?

- Todd wanted to have a...
- Whoa.

How about a little
warning next time?

- Sorry. Sometimes I violate

people’s personal space.

- And...

- Todd wanted to have
a serious talk with you

about your attitude,
but I convinced him

I might be more efficient
at getting to the bottom

of what’s bugging you.
- Oh? Okay.

Fair enough.

- What’s up with the
attitude, buddy boy?

- Okay, how is this
more efficient?

- I employ the direct
approach when necessary.

Spill the beans.

- I’m worried, and I don’t
know what to do about it.

- Go on.

- There’s this friend of mine.

I’m worried about her health.

- She’s sick?
- Not exactly.

- So this is not
a health problem?

- It’s... it’s complicated.

I’m trying to figure
out how to help her.

I mean, let’s say that
she’s not entirely okay,

but has no idea she’s not okay.

Like you’re sick
and don’t know it.

Maybe waiting until
things get better

is my best option,
but I can’t wait.

- Waiting for things to get
better is glass half full

foolishness that
never wins the day.

- Right.

Okay, well, good talk, Ashley.

I needed this.
Thanks, I guess.

- Okay.

One, pull yourself together
when you’re at the register

and never bark at
a customer again.

- Got it. Attitude check.

- Two, you’re weirdly
indirect about this,

but I’m sensing genuine
emotion in between the lines

when it comes to this
anonymous friend of yours,

so I’m gonna say what I
told you at the start.

- "What’s with the
attitude, buddy boy?"

- Employ the direct
approach when necessary.

Dude, they slapped me.

Wh...

What the f...

Hi.

Hey.

- Hey?
- Reginald.

Sorry I’m late.
It was so weird.

I forgot how to get here.

I mean, well, I didn’t forget,

but, like, I did.

- So what did you do last night?

- Not much. Nothing.

I don’t know.

- I was just thinking about
what we were talking about

at work yesterday.

- Oh.

Well, I don’t really remember
what we talked about.

- Follow-up question.

Have you been on
any dates lately?

- No. I don’t think so.

I mean, no, I haven’t.

But, uh, why would
you ask me that?

- Um, nothing, just
collegial interest

in your social calendar.

- Oh.

What’s the story,

morning glory?
- Okay.

That’s a Blur song, right?

- What do you see
when you look at me?

- Are you okay?

- I’m Reginald.

I’m Sarah.

Is there a reason you’re
acting like we never met?

- Gah!

- Have we met?

- You k*lled my brother.

- I’m sorry. You’re gonna
have to be more specific.

- You k*lled Isaac.

- Again, my apologies.

The funny thing is I actually
k*lled more than one Isaac,

so fill in the details for me.

Are we talking about Dallas Ike

or maybe the Isaac
I k*lled in Berlin?

Come on, man.
- You k*lled my brother.

- Which we established,
and... and did I mention

how sorry I was about that?

- Hey, hey, hey!

Look, if we’re gonna fight,

first we gotta establish
some rules, right?

- We’re not gonna fight.

I’m gonna rip your
head off your body.

- No, no, no, I-I like my head.

It’s been on my body
for over 75 years.

Look, Isaac wasn’t a bad guy.

He was just mean and...
And a little vain,

and in a lot of ways,
that’s worse, right?

He didn’t have to die.

He wasn’t really a thr*at to me.

In truth, he had his
hands up to surrender.

- But he hurt a
friend of mine, okay?

And my feeling was, I was
putting Isaac down for good.

Ugh.

- Maurice, let me in!

I’m not a baby bird!

I’m a man! Now let me in!

Hey!

- He’s not in here.

- Oh.
- You’re Reginald.

- Who... who are you?
- I’m Mike.

- Do you... I-I need help.

- Sounds like it.

- Do you know
where Maurice went?

- Well, he comes and he goes.

- Do you... do you know
when he’ll be back?

- Why don’t you come inside,
and we’ll wait together?

- Thank you.

- You’re late.
- Yeah, sorry.

I ran into somebody.

- Angel’s Blood,
you’re going in hot.

- It’s what I need.
- Going after her.

I never took you for
the death wish type...

- Look, can you get
it for me or not?

- Sure, but, I mean,

you gotta understand
the risks involved.

The weight of something
like this is...

On the other hand,
happy to oblige.

- It’s like he erased her.

I mean, sure, she
remembers who I am,

but what if she never remembers
how she felt about me?

What if it’s just
an empty space?

- The thing about glamouring,
the essential comes back.

Sarah forgot what
she did last night,

but one way or another,

she’ll reclaim how
she feels about you.

- Is there, like, a
timetable that I can consult

that will let me know
when that happens?

- When you measure
your life in centuries,

patience is a virtue.

- This would be a lot easier
if you could just glamour

a comprehensive undead
life hack into my head.

- Vampires can’t
glamour other vampires.

Told you that.

What are we talking about?

- Love.

Love.

Love is constant.
Only the names change.

How you doing, Reggie?

- Other than thinking vampires
have a pretty convenient

gestalt for love, I’m not
doing great, thank you.

- Reggie’s special. He just
hasn’t realized it yet.

Hey.

What’s the square
root of 65,894?

- 256.698.

- What’s the first sentence
of the seventh chapter

of the last book you read?

"w*r and Peace."

"The rustle of a woman’s dress
was heard in the next room."

He’s smart.

- That’s his superpower.

- It feels like a parlor trick.

- No, it’s not a trick.

Okay, that’s function.

- You’re exceptional.

Take advantage of that.

- Gee, I had no idea
how amazing I was.

- All right, it’s
time for you to go.

Feed or fall apart.

Hey.

Drop your fangs,
bite, and drink.

- Make them forget
when it’s over.

- Exactly.

Ugh, come on. What’s
wrong with me?

Come on.

Almost there.

Ah.

Oh, f...

So the baby bird
returns to the nest.

- No, that’s not Reginald.

- Back so soo...

- Hi, I’m Angela.

Maurice home?

- Come on in.

- What the...

Nice night.

I love a warm breeze.

- You about to jump me?
- Not exactly.

- You think I’m prey
for a dude like you?

- That’s actually
closer to the truth

than you might understand.

- Educate me, little man.

- I want to drink your blood.

- Excuse me?
- I need to drink your blood.

- Get away from me.
- I could break your neck

before you even
knew what hit you.

- Only thing’s neck
you can break off

is a bucket of fried chicken.
- Make it easy on yourself.

Come with me, and I
will let you live.

- I don’t think so.

- You... you don’t know
who you’re messing with.

I am vampyre.

I-I own the night.

I’ll... I’ll pay you $25.

- $25 for my blood?

- $50, but we’d have
to go to an ATM first.

- Hang on. If you a vampire,
where are your damn fangs?

- Ah-ah.

Ah.

They’re temporarily unavailable.

I don’t know who you
think you’re fooling,

but vampires are all
Patterson and sh*t.

Where your cheekbones, fool?

- Well, in truth, vampires come
in all shapes and sizes now...

- I’m done talking, understand?

Comic-Con is next month.

- Listen to me!

- Oh, I’m listening, mother...

- So...

- How long has it been

since you two last
saw each other?

- A very long time.

- I saw you in New York

the night David Dinkins
got elected mayor.

- I didn’t see you.

- No. No, you didn’t.

- I hear you met
Isaac’s brother, Erich.

- Man needs a
weapons designation,

not a name.

Well, I just wanted you
to know face-to-face,

personally, that Erich will
no longer be a problem.

You have my word.

- Well, Angie, if
we got your word...

- I smell home cooking.

Etouffee.

Oh.

Like Maurice’s
mother used to make.

- Well, it was nice
meeting you, Angela.

Is there anything else we
can do for you tonight?

- I should go.

It was lovely to meet you too.

Mike, is it?

I really didn’t mean to intrude.

I just wanted to
see you in the flesh

after all of these years.

Don’t be a stranger,
young soldier.

- I remember we were
gonna break ’em.

Who you breaking now?

- Wait and see.

- Late for work?

- Something like that.

- Chocoholic Blast,

just a pinch of
Tropical Coconut.

I feel the need to feed.

- You and me both.

- Reginald?

- I appreciate the
customer service,

but I’m perfectly capable
of riding home by myself.

- There’s a creepy vibe
to what’s happening here.

You get that, right?

I-I can’t do this.

I can’t.

- Can’t do what?

- Back the... up!

- Language.

- Dude, you have fangs.

- They have a mind of their own.

Out they come, in they go.

I’m helpless to control them,

and you’d think after
all this time...

I-I mean, it hasn’t
been a ton of time...

- Are you a vampire?

- Regrettably, yes.

- But you’re fat.

- I don’t know why
that’s relevant,

but everyone keeps
harping on it,

so hey, thank you.

I’m fully aware
of my body issues.

- You were gonna feed on me.

- It felt like my
last available option.

- Well, I’m not
letting you do that.

- As you wish.

- I forbid you
entry into my home.

- Sounds about right.

- Be gone, undead
creature of the night.

- Is that really necessary?

- Reginald, are you okay?

- No.

- What are you gonna do?

- I’m gonna sit here and
wait for the sun to rise.

- But won’t that burn you up?
- If I’m lucky.

And sorry in advance
for the mess.

I’ll probably wash
right off the sidewalk.

- What’s it like
being a vampire?

- How does it look?

- Who made you?

- Long story.

- Well, JFTR, I know
all about vampires,

so I won’t let you glamour me.
- Not to worry.

The last time I tried
to glamour someone,

I got punched in the face.

- Will you promise
not to bite me

if I get you
something good to eat?

- Yes.

- How do I know I can trust you?

- I’m a vampire, not an assh*le.

- Right.

Weak as a kitten too.

- Are... aren’t you
gonna invite me in?

- I was just kidding
about you not entering.

Pretty sure that’s just
something they made up on TV.

I mean, think about it.

- Mom will be back soon.

That’s when her second job ends,

so you have to eat and run.

- And she leaves you
all alone like this?

- Perfectly capable of
taking care of myself.

Not sure if this will
help, but it can’t hurt.

There’s blood in there, right?

- Technically, it’s not blood.

It’s just water and a
protein called myoglobin.

- My grandmother says
chew your food 32 times

before you swallow.

Oh.

That was an emergency.

- Pretty gross, to be honest.

- Sorry. Mm.

Well...

I’m gonna go

before your mom comes home.

- This is the weirdest
fairy tale ever told.

Uh, will you come
back and visit?

I mean, outside of
the Slushy Shack.

Mom’s got extra
long hours all week,

so I get bored.

Plenty of steaks in the freezer.

I’ll thaw some out.

- It’s a date.
- Still a little creepy.

- I’m a vampire.
Creepy’s my brand.

- Up high, big guy.

- Oops.

- What is it?

- An invitation.

It’s from Angela.

- What the what?

- What the hell
are we doing here?

You hate this woman.

After everything she did to you?

- If I’m gonna destroy
Angela, end her for good,

then I need to know
everything there is to know

about her world.

It’s like she taught me,

knowledge is power.

- Have a great night.
- Have a good night.

I’m giving Reginald ten
minutes to get here,

suit up, and get to work,

or else...

Hi, welcome to Slushy Shack.

How can I help you?
- Hi, welcome to Slushy Shack.

- Reginald.

Whoa.

- I’m having a bad skin day.

- I’d say so.

Maybe you should
get that looked at?

- Yeah, first thing
in the morning.

- Okay.

Uh, Todd’s getting
pretty impatient,

so you should
probably get out front

or see a dermatologist?

Uh, whatever you think is best.

- Did you ever hear of the story

of the ant and the horse?

- The what now?

- The ant and the horse.

- I... can’t say that I have.

There’s this horse,

and it’s totally beautiful

a-and the envy of
all other horses.

- So a pretty good horse.

- Best horse possible.

And every day, the horse
runs past this anthill,

and an ant waits for
the horse every day.

Now, the horse doesn’t
know the ant exists,

but for the ant, the horse
is the most important thing

in the world, so it waits,

but the horse just runs on by.

- Not sure how I feel about
this whole insect-horse story.

- And then, one day, the
horse stops to graze,

like, right next to the anthill,

and the ant who’s been waiting

and hoping for so long,

this is his moment.

He... he walks up to the horse,

and there’s so much
he wants to tell her,

a tidal wave of feeling,

but then he notices
that the horse is about

to eat arrowgrass.

- Is that bad?
- The worst.

- Oh.
- Arrowgrass has a high

cyanide content, totally
poisonous for the horse.

- Oh, that’s not good.

- So the ant races
right up her nose,

like, deep up in there,

and the horse rears
back and sneezes,

shaking its head, and
it just trots off,

leaving the grass behind.

- What happened to the ant?

- He sh*t right out of her
nose and bounced off a tree,

but he limps back to his hill,

and that’s where
he waits every day

for the horse to
return because...

he’ll save her life
again and again

if that’s what it takes.

- So...

slushy counter or
emergency dermatologist?

- Let’s go back to work.

- Dude, you look like
the sh*t a sh*t took.

All right, maybe you should
just take a sick day.

- Uh, hey, excuse me?

Could I grab...
- Just one second, sir.

That hat is not regulation,
and I’m gonna have

to ask you to remove
the sunglasses pronto.

- Welcome to the Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?

- Big guy, you need to feed,
and you need to feed now.

- Tell me something
I don’t know.

- Your face looks
like toxic waste.

- I know, thank you.

- Here you go.

- Feed on Todd.

- What? No, that’s disgusting.

- He’s young. He’s fit.

I bet his blood tastes awesome.

- Regi-wide, you stink.

- Feed on Todd.

- What the hell
happened to your face?

There you go.

- Thanks for coming. We’ll
see you again real soon.

Yep. Thanks.

Uh, maybe I should
check on Reginald.

- You want to check,
check on your own time.

Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How can I help you?

- Hey.

- What are you doing back there?

That break room...
- I can help you.

- Is for employees only.

- Reginald is very, very sick.

- Tell someone who cares, okay?

- I think he’s dead.

- Don’t move. I’ll
be right back.

Dude, get your ass out of here.

Whatever mess you’re making,

I do not want to clean
it up, you understand me?

Oh.

You’re disgusting.

Oh.

Something’s wrong
with your eyes, man.

- What the hell
happened to your mouth?

Je... Jesus!

You know what?
That does it, okay?

You’re fired.

What’s with the
eye..., friendo?

- Listen to me!

- What?

- Listen to me.

Listen, listen, listen.

I’m going to bite your
neck and drink your blood,

and that fills you
with joy and happiness.

It is the greatest thing
that’s ever happened to you,

and when I’m done,

you will forget that
it ever happened.

- Ooh.

What did you do?

You drugged me?

Where’s Mike?

Why?
- Aw, baby,

you know the answer to that.

- Todd?

- Hello, Sarah.

What do you say we get
ourselves back to work, huh?

- Okay.

- Nice.

Maurice.

- Comfortable?

- A coffin, seriously?

And you always said

I didn’t have a sense of humor.

- Do I look amused?

Where am I?

- You’re in a wooden box

about to incinerate,

but if it’s any
consolation, as your maker,

I will know the exact
moment when you burn.

I’ll feel it.

I made you in Oakland.

You were such a beautiful boy,

but your hunger for
revenge almost ended us,

and I followed you
all the way home

where I begged you to
leave your family behind,

but you would not listen to me.

- Do not speechify me

before you shove
me into this fire.

- And now you show up in
Ohio without any good reason

except for that’s where I am.

Did you think I
wouldn’t see you coming?

Angel’s Blood?

What the hell were you
thinking, young soldier?

Is that how you honor
the gift that I gave you?

I gave you forever,

and that vampire you
made is an abomination.

Perfection is what
keeps our nation safe,

and not only is he
less than perfect,

but he is defective, grotesque,

and an insult to our purity.

Reginald Andres will
not survive the night.

Angela! Angela!

Oh, my sweet Lord.

- Don’t mind the rotund vampire
of very little importance.

He’s just passing through.

- Angela!
- It’s like I was never here.

- Who are you?

- Nobody, trust me on that.

Everyone thinks so.

- You don’t belong here.

- I mean, if you think about it,

does anyone really belong here?

- You’re lying to me.

- Again, not to argue
semantics, but...

- I’m gonna rip your head off.

- Geronimo!

Listen to me!

Listen, listen, listen.

- Maurice!

You won’t believe
what I just did.

- My damn feet are on fire!

- Got it.