05x10 - I Love You

[bunniefuu]

I love you

Not even a year ago, we were getting married in Canada.

Now we're back fighting for our rights.

Thanks to that assh*le in the White House.

You know, you're sounding more and more like your mother.

You know, there was a time when I would've said "f*ck you", but now I'll take that as a compliment.

Now, I ask you - who could think that was an abomination? A lot of people, Deb.

Most people.

Yeah, well, they're wrong.

And that includes that assh*le in the White House.

Every time I read about a gay minister being defrocked or a gay couple having their kids taken away from them, it just f*cking breaks my heart.

Protect the family! Protect our children! Protect Christian values! Vote yes on 14.

Vote yes! Stop the h*m* agenda.

Protect our children! Stop the h*m* agenda.

Protect our children! Vote yes on 14.

Yes on 14.

Vote yes on 14.

Jesus forgives sinners.

Vote yes on 14.

Jesus forgives sinners.

Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for you - Jesus thinks you stink! Protect our children.

Protect Christian values! Vote yes on 14.

What a fabulous event this is going to be.

If the planner does say so himself.

Now, how many tickets have we sold? Over 300.

And counting.

At $200 a pop, that's over $60,000.

That doesn't even include what we'll make during the silent auction.

Not bad for a night's work.

Now, if I could just get Drew to attend.

Think of the media attention we'd get.

You can't buy that.

Well, like my Aunt Lil always said - "They can't sh**t you for asking.

Roy.

I would like you to meet my planning committee and friends.

Ben.

Hi.

Michael.

Emmett.

How do you do? This is Roy Harris, the hotel manager.

He's been terrific, so helpful.

Thanks for cutting us such a great deal.

Don't thank me just yet.

I'm afraid I have bad news.

Corporate just called.

They're not going to let you hold the event here.

Excuse me?! What? Why'd they change their minds? That's privileged information.

Considering you just tanked our event, I think we deserve the privilege of an explanation.

Let's just say there's a couple of very large accounts corporate's afraid of alienating.

By having an event they might be perceived as gay-friendly.

Look, I support what you're doing 100%.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years.

I want to protect that.

But I also have to protect my job.

I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah.

He's hot.

Schmidt.

What did I tell you about playing with yourself during office hours? f*ck, Brian.

Relax, Theodore.

This isn't work shafters.

You're in a jerk-off-friendly environment.

I wasn't jerking off.

I'm on my quest for a husband.

The latest h*m* to join the rank of defectors.

So, who's the stiff? And I don't mean that in the best sense of the word.

As you know, I lost my Jewish doctor, so I decided to try husband material.com.

It's a website that's full of quality guys, like myself, who are looking for the perfect partner.

So .

what treasures have you uncovered online? Well, this is Richard.

He's 36.

He's a lawyer, he owns his own house and he likes to cuddle after a long day.

Uh oh, this is James.

35.

He's a dentist.

And he likes .

well, to cuddle after a long day.

Uh Oh.

This Lewis.

He's 37.

He owns his own business and he likes He likes to cuddle after a long day.

Doesn't anyone like to f*ck? Let's see some cock sh*ts.

There are no cock sh*ts.

Well, then how do you know if they're quality men? Move over.

This is Roland.

He's 32.

He doesn't have time for a career.

He likes to cuddle after being pounded into oblivion.

Too bad for you he's in Australia.

Not really, since I plan on being there in less than 48 hours.

I just got back from the doctor.

I got a clean bill of health.

I'm completely cancer-free.

That's great news! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, to celebrate, I'm going to go to Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney.

I wish I could go.

What?! You've got to find a hubby.

G'day, mate.

Smells good.

I felt like cooking.

You ran out this morning.

I didn't run out.

I had a meeting at the hotel.

How did it go?

They told us to find some place else.

What? We have to find another venue.

Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it? I'm going to go take a shower.

Mel.

LookI glued it back together.

If you turn it like this, you can hardly notice the cracks.

Are we just going to pretend as if it never happened? No-one's pretending.

In fact, I hear it happens to a lot of divorced couples.

Some say the sex is even hotter than when they're married.

It was a mistake.

A momentary lapse in judgment.

Just one of those 'in the heat of the moment' sort of things.

Precisely.

Then I guess we should disregard it.

Move on.

I think that would be best.

Deb, did you ever date a younger man? Deb, did you ever date a younger man? Sunshine, until Karl came along, Sunshine, until Karl came along, I was barely dating a living one.

I was barely dating a living one.

But if you'd had the chance? I'd have jumped on it.

Which is what I hope your mother's doing.

Yeah, but he's half her age.

Jeez.

You kids - you don't cut your parents much slack, do you? Well, under the sexual bill of rights - that is, if we still have any rights - she's entitled to the same freedoms you and Brian have.

Had.

You catch my drift.

f*cking pepper.

I've done my share of running around, but when I read your description enjoy spending quiet evenings at home - there's something about it I found very appealing.

To tell you the truth, I've never liked going out much.

See, when I was a kid, the Partridge Family reunion came to town, and, uh 304 and, uh 305 .

I wanted Danny Bonaduce's autograph so bad.

So, I waited in line for four hours, and then finally, there they were, dressed in those white jumpsuits.

Oh, God, I remember those.

David Cassidy - I had such a crush.

Anyway, there was a stampede.

I got trampled.

That's terrible.

Yeah, it was pretty terrifying.

In fact, I still get nervous being in a crowd.

So, how's the date going? It is not a date, Deb.

We're just getting acquainted.

Ah.

Are we checking each other out to make sure you're not trolls? And then you go and f*ck? Huh? Yeah.

Deb has a way of cutting right to the chase.

So, have we, uh officially passed the troll test?

Yeah.

Well, how about a real date? Great.

I just bought two tickets to the Stop Prop 14 benefit Thursday night.

Cyndi Lauper's performing.

I'd love to, but Crowds.

Right.

Um well, some other time.

No.

No, wait.

My therapist says it's important I stare down my demons, so that's what I'm going to do.

You sure? It's a date.

Great.

Uh, 300, maybe as many as 400.

For this Thursday night.

Yes, I know, it's a big crowd.

Yeah, I know it's short notice.

Whatever it takes to make it work.

Saturday won't work.

Are you sure you can't There's no way that you can Well, thanks.

Thanks anyway.

No luck? Nada.

Same here.

So, who's left? That's it.

Everything's either booked or they don't want us.

This is a disaster.

There's one place.

I'm not asking him for anything.

Michael, this is important.

Can't you and Brian put aside your differences for one night? I'm sorry.

I'm not going to do it.

Well, then, I guess we'll just have to call the centre, tell them the benefit's off.

You've got to try the Bodyline.

The best bathhouse in Sydney.

Bodyline.

That's it, mate.

f*ck me.

Harder!

What about clubs? I prefer Arq on Oxford.

Friendly.

Young crowd.

Arq on Oxford.

The midnight shift's packed on the weekends.

Oh, yeah.

Don't stop.

I'm close.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, mate.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, yes! Oh Oh, yes! Oh sh*t.

Oh Jeez.

I was calling and calling.

Why didn't you just buy a stick of dynamite and blast the door down? It's the Brown Athletics account Oops sorry.

Not as sorry as he is.

What about it?! Leo Brown just heard about Drew Boyd.

He wants another spokesman for his underwear line.

Did you tell him that we've already booked the photoshoot? That the ad space has already been paid for? He said, "That's your problem.

"But if you don't find someone else, you'll have a bigger one.

" Bottom line - a gay player is disruptive to a team.

Imagine that you're in a locker room don't tell me his team-mates are afraid he'll jump them.

Those big guys can't take care of themselves? No.

Besides, he didn't chase them around the showers before.

Why would he now? By announcing that he was gay, Drew Boyd has separated himself from the rest of the team.

The spirit of unity, the playing together as one, has been broken and it can never be repaired.

So, you're saying they should get rid of him? If he was on my team, I would.

I'd say I had no choice If he was on my team, I would.

Hey, I was watching that.

Why?

So you can get even more depressed? I have just the thing to take your mind off it.

'Madame X'.

Starring the unjustly underrated Lana Turner.

What a performance.

Lana has an illicit affair, and after being discovered, is forced to forfeit her identity as her.

She wanders the world in a drunken stupor, finally to return home and m*rder her blackmailer.

And this is supposed to make me feel better? Yeah, well, Lana always does it for me.

Hey, you know what really might make you feel better? Coming with me to the Stop Prop 14 event.

You can meet your gay fans, see what a role model and inspiration you've become.

I told you - I'm a professional football player, not a professional f*g! So stop trying to get me to be the new gay poster boy! You'd better take care of yourself.

You've got a near-naked photoshoot coming up.

There's not going to be a photoshoot.

Your friend Kinney called.

He fired me.

Brian fired you? I've now officially lost everything.

I knew it wouldn't be easy coming out, but I never expected it would be this bad.

You haven't lost me.

We'll figure this out.

If you don't mind I need some time alone.

Sure.

I understand.

It's freezing, huh? Hey, we could go back to my place.

I'll warm you up.

It's kind of late and Corinne I know.

You don't have to tell me.

No, it's not you, I swear.

II know that too.

It's Lindsay.

Hey, come on, you don't need a special team of investigators to figure out what's what.

Besides, it's not a crime.

Mind if I ask you what gave me away? Penguins.

When my dad left my mom, she was so obsessed, you could mention any subject and somehow she'd make it about him.

Penguins.

"Your father hated wearing a tuxedo.

" You're the same way.

Julia Roberts.

"Lindsay got her hair cut like Julia Roberts.

" The French hate Americans.

"Lindsay makes a great bouillabaisse.

" I didn't realize.

Well, why should you? Referring to her is as a*t*matic to you as blinking.

Just next time, be fair.

Until you can buy a tube of toothpaste and not mention Lindsay's perfect smile.

don't let some poor girl think she's got a chance.

That's Andy Prather.

He's the running back for the Chargers.

Mmm.

Definitely the hottest of the hotties.

Check out those abs.

I have - about a thousand times.

Straight, right? Yeah.

I have several teenage girls who'll swear under oath they've been r*ped by him.

Perfect.

When can he be here? Once you sign off, he'll be on the next plane.

Book him.

Great.

Hey, Teddy.

Michael.

Wow.

It's a Wow. surprise to see you here.

Right, Bri? Isn't it a surprise to, uh see him here? I'm speechless.

Except to say that if you and your guest will excuse me.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

Oh, I'll, I'll just I'll take off and leave you two to do whatever you two need to do.

I won't waste too much of your time.

That's good.

Because I don't have too much to offer.

Then I'll get right to the point.

The point being, you want something? Yes.

Yes.

Wouldn't happen to be to apologise, would it? I believe it's you who owes me that.

I already offered.

You refused.

Because you didn't mean a g*dd*mn word! But that's not why you're here.

But that's not why you're here.

We lost La Montage for the benefit - Stop Prop 14.

Yeah, I live in Pittsburgh.

I've heard of it.

It seems that some of their very important clients might object to us using it.

We've tried every place in town but they're all booked.

Every place except Every place except Babylon.

So, you want nothing to do with my world until, of course, you need it to help yours.

This has nothing to do with my world versus your world , but you know, since it's going to be a problem, forget it.

I didn't say you couldn't have it.

How much were you paying La Montage? $10,000.

We'll pay you the same.

No, you won't.

Look, there's no reason to gouge us just because we're desperate.

We don't have it.

There's no charge.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Consider it my donation to the cause.

I don't know what to say.

Well, 'thanks' will do.

Now, if you don't mind, I have to get back to work Now, so that I can continue my decadent lifestyle.

Cynthia, will you get me Leo Brown on the phone, please? Thanks.

Linz? Linz? Linz?! In here.

It's a lovely home,and there aren't a lot of designer products on the market.

Then you think it's a good time to sell? Provided interest rates don't go any high Hi, Mel.

Don't let me interrupt.

No, I'm glad you're here.

I asked Jennifer to stop by, take a look at the house.

I understand you want to put the house up for sale.

I understand we were still talking about it.

Jen figures we can make at least $100,000.

More than enough for a down payment on a couple of condos.

I have some clients who are dying to be in the neighbourhood.

I could show it to them before it's even listed.

That'd be great.

So, what do you think? Yeah.

Great.

When you're ready, just give me a call, we'll start the ball rolling.

Will do.

Andsee you tomorrow night.

The benefit.

Right.

Bye-bye.

'Bye.

So, you want to sell? I was under the impression we both did.

So, I say we stop talking about it and get on with our lives.

Nice flowers.

Yeah.

I thought they'd brighten up the house.

I don't know how you can be so f*cking heartless.

45.

Have you had any idea how hard this has been for him? He's lost everything.

I can't help that.

You didn't have to fire him.

This is a business, not a support group.

And its president CEO, whatever the f*ck you call yourself, happens to be gay.

So tell me - how can you cave to such blatant h*m*? Better yet, why don't I have an expert explain? Theodore.

Would you step into my office, please? I bet you didn't even try to fight for him, did you? No, I did not.

You are unbelievable.

What's up, Bri? Theodore.

How much do we stand to lose if we lost the Brown Athletics account? Ballpark figure? That would be appropriate, considering it's a sporting goods company.

It's, uma $20 million account.

And how much profit does that generate for Kinnetic? Say, roughly $2 million per annum.

Thank you.

You can chastise me all you want for being heartless.

Doesn't cost me a cent.

But kindly explain to me why I should sacrifice a $20 million account just because your boyfriend suddenly decides to announce he's q*eer.

I can see why you're a successful businessman.

So, you're back working the streets.

Thanks to you.

Are you coming? Why in your wildest h*m* fantasies would you imagine that I would attend such an event? You gave Michael the club.

How could I say no to my oldest and dearest friend? And it is to protect the rights of every gay person in the state.

Including yours.

Well, you'll to fight the good fight without me.

I'll be tanning myself Down Under.

And perhaps a little on top.

You're going to Australia? They say Mardi Gras in Sydney is the gayest place on earth.

Except, of course, for Disneyland.

Well, take care of yourself.

You too.

So, everyone knows the benefit's been moved.

Bunch of us were at the centre today, making calls, sending emails.

Hi, baby! You know maybe we should get Brian something.

What for? If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be having a benefit tonight.

I already thanked him.

That's enough.

If you say so.

I do.

Hmm.

What's that for? What's what for? You say 'hmm' when you're thinking something and don't want to say it.

Do I? Hmm.

I was just thinking it's a shame You can stop right there.

You don't even know what I was going to say.

Surely it wasn't to remind me of my appointment next Tuesday Surely it wasn't to remind me of my appointment next Tuesday to have my teeth cleaned.

Isn't it always the f*cking way? Kiki was supposed to relieve me an hour ago.

She still hasn't shown up.

Now I'm stuck with her shift.

That's ok.

We'll wait for you.

Hey, Deb, where's my chicken fricassee? It's still fricking! I want you boys to go.

There's no point in all of us missing it.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'll be there.

As soon as Kiki gets her trannie ass here.

I love you.

Deb! Order's up! Are you alright? In my Face Your Fear workshop, they tell us to just keep breathing steadily like this in in In .

and out.

It's also helpful to have a partner coaching you.

Are you sure you didn't go to Lamaze by mistake? I sure hope we can find Mom in here.

I wouldn't worry.

If there's one person you can spot in a crowd, it's your mother.

Hey, guys.

This is some event.

Think I might revisit the halcyon days of my debauched you and dance till dawn.

If he makes it till 10:30, it'll be a miracle.

Oh.

Where's Brian? I want to thank him.

He went to Australia for Mardi Gras.

Figures.

After all, he's slept with everyone in this continent, so Oh, sh*t.

What's the matter? My mother just arrived with her boy toy.

It's so soap opera.

So menopausal.

So humiliating.

Hello, darling.

Mmm Somehow she seems to perceive it differently.

You remember Tucker.

Ah.

Hey.

Good to see you again.

How you doing? Hi, Justin.

I'm going to get a drink.

Chardonnay, honey? Perfect.

By the look on your face, I should have ordered a sour apple martini.

Did you have to bring him? Does he embarrass you? Frankly, yes.

Well, when there's a Proposition 15 to take away the rights of middle-aged women to still have a life, let's hope you show up for me.

May I have your attention, everyone? Hi.

I'm Emmett Honeycutt.

You may know me as Channel 5's former q*eer Guy.

But tonight I am still your q*eer Guy and I want to welcome you to this fabulous evening! Guys, this is Lewis.

We met on husbandmaterial.com.

Oh! This sounds serious.

Michael and Ben got married in Toronto last year.

You could be next! You could be next! .we can defeat Proposition 14! .we

Let's let the bigots and the hatemongers and the state capitol and the White House know we will not be silent! Unless, of course, it's for the silent auction.

So get those big bids in early.

And now I'm so excited.

It is my great honour and pleasure to present our star attraction - a girl who, like the rest of us, just wants to have fun - the one, the only Ms Cyndi Lauper! Hey.

Is my flight on time? Yes, Mr Kinney.

Hey.

If you didn't have to change The sitter was late.

Don't blame me.

You've never been on time - not once.

You won't have to be bothered with it much longer, will you? Hey, girls.

Hi, Dusty.

I thought you weren't coming.

At the last minute, I said to Marie, "It's too important.

" "One of us has to be here.

" So I came and she's home with the kids.

That's what I should've done.

Our new sitter was late.

You can always drop him at my place.

Let's go in.

Oh, sh*t.

What now?

My cell phone - I must've left it in the car.

Christ.

You go in.

I'll find you.

I'd better wait for Mel.

You go.

Do you think I could get some water? Michael, could you do me a really big favour? Lewis is kind of nervous in crowds and I don't want to leave him.

Could you get him some water? Uh, sure.

As long as you're going, cranberry spritzer for me? Hi! Cranberry and soda and Cranberry and soda and Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! What the f*ck was that? This just in from wdbx News - there's been an expl*si*n at Babylon, a local gay club, where a political fundraiser was under way tonight.

Authorities fear there may be many injuries, possibly fatalities.

They say there's no word yet as Turn around! I want this whole area blocked off.

I want a clear path for the ambulances.

Jennifer! Jennifer!

Jennifer! Oh, my God.

Are you alright? Justin's still in there.

You've got to find him.

We need you to leave the building.

Everyone who is able, please exit as quickly as possible! Justin! Justin! Everyone leave as quickly as possible.

Ted! Ted?! Ted! What the f*ck happened? I don't know.

Have you seen Justin? He's not breathing! Somebody help, please! Oh, my God! No! Oh, my God! I need to get out of here.

Where's the door? Where's the door? I can't find the door! I've got a heavy bleeder right over here.

Please! The f*cking thing is burning! Help me! Are you alright? Are you hurt? No.

Just some scratches.

Have you seen my mother? She's ok.

She's outside.

She's looking for you.

There you are, baby.

My God, that was weird sex.

Have you seen Michael?! Em? Em? Emmett! Emmett! Would you hurry, please?!Deb, they're doing the best they can.

I'm riding with him.

I'm his partner.

Get in.

Hurry.

Get me to the hospital, Karl, please.

I can't leave now.

I'm on duty.

I'll get one of the boys to take you.

I'll take you.

I knew I shouldn't have come.

You're going to be alright.

I've gotta get out of here.

Lewis.

Lewis! I've gotta get out of here.

Lewis! Wait! Why'd I listen to you?!Cardiac needle and 500cc of adrenaline, stat.

Can I get a hand with this, please? Deb, why don't you sit down? I tried that.

Didn't work.

What if I lose him? What am I going to do? You won't lose him.

And this is not about you, so sit down! I'm sorry.

You're right.

Well? He's lost a lot of blood.

Before we can do anything, he's going to need a transfusion.

What the f*ck are you waiting for? He's ab negative, we're short on his type, so we're checking all the hospitals.

ok.

I'm O negative.

It's the universal donor, right? Are you gay? What's that got to do with anything? We can't give blood because of hiv.

I don't have hiv.

It doesn't matter.

Gays are considered to be too high of a risk.

What about all those straight studs and b*tches who f*ck around and don't use protection? You'd take their blood, right? It's an fda regulation.

Brian I don't give a sh*t! Look Take my blood, m*therf*cker! Brian, Brian, Brian.

Brian, look, you couldn't give it even if you were straight.

You've got cancer.

He's ok.

He's right down there.

He's ok.

Sam Rawlings, Channel 7 News, here with Drew Boyd.

Drew, having just come out of the closet, how do you feel about what's happening here? Are you concerned about losing your fans now that you're gay? Right now I'm more concerned about people losing their lives!

Emmett?! Are you ok? Yeah.

A little smoke inhalation.

I'll live.

I'm sorry I wasn't here.

Yeah, wellyou're here now.

We've stabilised the blood loss, but there's still internal bleeding from a punctured spleen.

So we're going to need to remove it immediately.

Will he be alright? With this amount of blood loss, uhwe can only hope for the best.

I'll give you a moment with him, then we need to start prepping.

ok? You'd better f*cking come through this, you little sh*t.

I'm afraid I woke him.

But I justneeded to hold him.

He'll go back to sleep.

Are you Are you What an idiotic question.

Of course you're not alright.

How could anyone be alright? Just grateful.

Grateful that you're always late.

And that you forgot your cell phone.

Promise me you'll never be on time for anything.

If you promise me you'll never remember a thing.

I'll put him back in bed.

Linz? Please? As you know, I've always been a good Catholic girl.

Even though, when it comes to gays and abortion, I think they're full of sh*t.

But still, I But still, I .I always believed that God knew best and there was a reason for everything that he does.

But, um But, um .this time I'm not so sure why he let this happen to Michael and the others.

So, this time I'm not asking him.

I'm telling himto see that Michael gets through this.

You notice I didn't say "my son, Michael"? Because it's not for me.

It's for him.

You want to say a prayer? No.

But if you know what's good for you But if you know what's good for you you'd better f*cking listen to her.

Do you mind if I tell people Cyndi Lauper saved my life? Nah, you do that.

My manager will love it.

Is Michael going to be ok? They don't know.

When I heard what happened, I tried to call you on your cell, but you didn't answer.

I was so f*cking scared.

All I could think was All I could think was "Please don't let anything happen to him.

I love you.