01x05 - What We Do in the Shadows

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Reboot". Aired: September 20, 2022 - current.
A dysfunctional cast must deal with their unresolved issues in today's fast-changing world.
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01x05 - What We Do in the Shadows

Post by bunniefuu »

So, let me get this straight.

You told our neighbor who's been so rude,

that we'd take care of his big creepy dog,

just so he can jet off to Cabo.

I think it'll be fun having
a dog around the house.

Look at him. He's so sweet.

- Ring, ring.
- Oh, that is the call.

That is the call. Okay.
Ring, ring.

Where is my phone?

Uh, I think the dog's sitting on it.

Oh, okay. I gotta take this. Shoo-shoo.


Ring, ring.

Oh my God. The dog swallowed my phone.

Don't worry, this too shall pass.

Laugh, laugh, laugh
with the delightful callback.

And that's our show.

Very funny. Looking good.

It's good.

Okay. I hate to admit it.

You were right about the Josie joke.

Cleveland is funnier than Milwaukee.

And yet in real life?
Milwaukee, funnier.

Hey Gordon, Hannah.
Really nice rewrite last night.

- Good, good.
- I just have a few tiny concerns

about a couple of spots specifically...

Yeah, you know what? Hold that thought.
Just hold. Let me grab a pen.

Be right with you.

What the hell?

Yeah. So I thought it
played much better, right?

Not an idiot.


Well, your dad, he's not grabbing a pen.

- No, he just said he's...
- He's not coming back.

How can I help?

Well, he never wants to hear
any of my thoughts or concerns.

I'm sorry. Maybe you should just

work out your shit with him.

I don't think you
realize how hurtful it is

to have him just walk out on me like that.

I mean, I might have some idea.

Focus, Hannah, please.

We're, we're talking about me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's women you've never met,

in a house you've never been to,

doing who knows what?

Yep. The woman who leads it

is supposed to be amazing.

They call it a night of
female self-discovery.

They also call it a pyramid scheme.

Surprise, surprise.

The least introspective person
in the world mocks my journey.

No, I think it's great.

Paying big bucks to let
the shaman of Brent wood

cleanse your aura while
you drink Chardonnay

and burn vag*na-scented candles.

Ha, ha.
At least I'm trying to improve myself.

What have you done lately?

Up your budget to
a higher class of hooker?

Well, actually the cost

of a regular hooker is way up.

They say it's the supply chain.

You're gross and whatever
you're paying those women

is not enough.

Oh really, Kelly? Well, that's it.

I'm not letting you rub your cock
against my arm anymore.

Honey, I wouldn't let my cock
touch any part of you.

I wear a condom just to return your texts.

I'll be right back.
Okay, honey.

Hey, if they do tarot cards,

can you ask my grandma
where she hid all her jewelry?

That's not how tarot works!

Did you find a pen yet?

Hannah, stop giving in to these people.

You gotta learn to give
yourself a little distance.

"These people." You mean
the human beings that we work with.

Who are the reason you can afford a house,
and a second family.

Can I tell you something about actors?

They are bottomless pits of need.

Oh, they didn't get nominated for this.

Oh, the designer didn't
give me a free tux for that.

The Rolex watch they got in the gift bag,

wasn't as nice as the Porsches they gave

to the cast of Will & Grace.

Wait. Seriously,
they gave them Porsches?

Yeah, just the shitty ones,
the Boxsters.

Hey, sorry to bother you guys.

But, um, I'm having
a little bit of a problem.

And I was hoping we could talk.

Of course, Zack, we can talk.

What's on your mind? Tell us.

I'm kind of in the middle
of a custody dispute

with my ex-girlfriend.

- Oh, you have a kid?
- No, a dog.


Okay, you know what, Zack buddy?

I really do wanna hear this.

Let me just go grab a pen.

Yeah. Okay.

We can, we can talk until he gets back.

It's my little Butternut.

She's the sweetest,
cutest dog you've ever seen.

Oh, is that why you looked
so sad after the run-through?

Yeah. Every dog reminds me of her.

Even stuffed ones.

Marcy and I got her when we were together.

But she's so mad at me
for breaking up with her,

she won't let me see Butternut.

But that is a long story.

Yeah, you don't have to...

We met at my friend
David's bar mitzvah.

She was right behind me
in the grind train.

We're star-crossed lovers.

Just like in my movie Bromeo and Juliet.

So how did, how'd it go
with the Kramer vs. Kramer,

but with dogs.

Oh, okay.
Okay, maybe you have a point.

Yeah. I've been doing this a long time.

You know the truth is...

I'm a little in over my head.

And I need to learn what you know.

So, can I sit you down some time
and ask you some questions?

Yeah. Of course.

I'd be happy to toss
a few pearls your way.

Great. Um, I don't know.
How about dinner?

Are you free tonight?

I could be. Yes.

Yeah. Why don't we do one of those

old school places on Hollywood Boulevard.

You know, where there's
an elderly man who still has to work

and he makes you a Caesar salad
right at the table.

And half the desserts are served on f*re.

You had me at elderly man
who still has to work.


- Oh, it's so refreshing.
- Delicious. Yeah.

I think I could drink
this literally all day.

And I'm going to. So where...

Well, this can't be good.

Oh, it's really good.

- Guess what?
- What?

I'm on mushrooms.


Oh yeah. We took mushrooms.
Lots of 'em.

Wow. Check you out.

It's no big deal.
I'm just finding my authentic self

that's uniquely me.

Just like Gwyneth Paltrow
and her Goop show.

And you're calling me because?

Because I wanted you to know that

you were completely wrong about my night

of female self-discovery.

Except for the vag*na candle.
We did do that.


Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.

Right this way, Mr. Gilman.


I thought I was meeting Hannah.

Oh, me too.

Hannah sends her regrets,
along with these drinks.

She also wanted me to give you this pen.

She said you were always running out.

It's... it's delicious.



Well, this is it.

I'm nervous.

It really means a lot
to me that you're here.

Well, I want everyone on the show
to feel like they can come to me

with their problems
and to think of me as a friend.


Hey, this weekend
you should come by my house.

I just put in a recording studio,

and I'm gonna try
rapping for the first time.

- Zack?
- Marcy.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Well, I, um...
- Say the thing we talked about.

I want my frickin' dog
and I want her now.

That wasn't the thing.

Butternut wants nothing
to do with you.

- You A-hole.
- Okay,

why don't we all just take a breath...

Oh, is this your new skank girlfriend?

Yeah. And we do it all the time.

Jesus Chri... No, no.

Hi. I'm Hannah. I work with Zack.

Whatever you guys can come in.

Oh, wow. That's a lot of toys.

What? They're not toys.

They're celebrity-themed collectibles.

- Where's Butternut?
- Why should I tell you that? Huh?

You never told me when you spent all night

playing Dance Dance Revolution
with Becca.

For the millionth time,
we're just dance friends.

No one is just dance friends with Becca.

I'm sorry to interrupt.
You know, I just realized I, um,

I gotta go grab a... a pen.

You know what? You should both go.

I'm just thinking about
what's best for Butternut.

No you're not. You're just
using Butternut as a w*apon

to get back at Zack for leaving.

Oh, suddenly the hottie
just can read my mind?

The point is, Zack
wants to be in Butternut's life,

and you should want that too.

We could share her.

I could take her to work with me.

So she's supposed to just
sit in your trailer all day?

Well, I'll put a bed in my office.
She can hang out there whenever she wants.


Thank you so much for being here.

Yeah, I'm so psyched
for you to see your dog.

Oh my God. It's gonna be like
those Instagram videos

where doggies are,
are reunited with their owners

after not seeing them for a while.

- The f*ck.
- Butternut!

Oh, she remembers me!


Oh, and she grew more hair!

Oh, here we go.


- What, Bree?
- I'm lost.

A hummingbird invited me to her nest,

but we got separated.

Do you see the house you were at?

Or any of the other entitled white women?

- No.
- Bree, tell me exactly what you see.

When my eyes are open or closed?

When they're open, I see a fence.

When they're closed, dragons.

Okay. Look, I'm coming to get you.

Do you know how to drop a pin?

I don't have a f*cking pin!

Not that kind of pin.

- Listen to me.
- Okay.

When we hang up,

I want you to hold up your phone and say,

"Hey Siri, send Clay my location."

Okay, okay.

Repeat that.

Sarah, send me on vacation!

You a Clippers fan by any chance?

Not really.


Actually, I've been living in New York

for the last 15 years, so.

It's Nicks.

Not a big NBA guy.

So what the f*ck would
you bring up New York for?

You, you're something else, man.


What, what is your problem with me?

Well, for one you don't like basketball.

f*cking-A. I'm serious.

No, I know that.
You're always serious.

And you over think everything,

then you're never happy.

You are never happy.

I, you get a script,
and instead of thinking, gee,

what can I do to make this the funniest,
and the best it can be?

You decide that, no, right away it stinks.

The script stinks and I stink

and everything needs to be rewritten.

And what makes it especially galling,

is that you actually have the rare gift

of being f*cking funny.

I'm telling you, your comedic timing when

you don't get in your own way,
swear to George Burns,

it's impeccable.

It's like, like music.

You could be one of the greatest
comedic actors of all time.

You remember those hilarious movies

that Sir Laurence Olivier
and Daniel Day-Lewis did?

What...? No.

'Cause they couldn't do it.

But you, you have the superpower, man.

You, you can make
millions of people laugh.

And to put that out into the world,

to bring people a little joy
at the end of their shit day.

f*ck you for not appreciating that.

'Cause I swear to God,

that is as good and honorable thing

as a man can do.


Well, Gordon, I'm speechless.


Shit, if I knew that's all it took,

I would've complimented you years ago.




Got a big movie producer here
who wants to meet you.

Oh, shit.

- Die dragon!
- Whoa! Jesus.

You're joking.

Okay, here we go.

In the truck and I'll drive you home.

Whoa, toxic masculinity much?

Bree, I'm not f*cking around.

I have some place I need to be.

And these aren't the type
of people you keep waiting.

Okay, Clay.

It is too blue in here.

No, no!

But do they call me

MacGregor the ship builder? No.

You see that pier?
I built that pier me self

with me own hands.

It could withstand the...
The mightiest of storms,

but do they ever call me
MacGregor the pier builder?


But you f*ck one goat.

He's MacGregor the goat f*ck.

How have you never heard that joke?

Oh my God.

You need, you need to read less.

Oh, God. You are funny.

I didn't write damn the thing.

Who writes those things? I don't...

Somewhere there's a genius in a basement.

No, no, Gordon.
I mean you are funny.

I don't say that enough.

- You never say it.
- Well, but I should.

Because it's true. Okay?

And you are smart.

And that's why I get so...

Never mind. Forget it.

No. What, what, what?

Say it, you schmuck.

What... That's why what?

It's why I get so frustrated.

You are smart. You are quick.

You are perceptive,

and more sensitive than
you want anyone to think.

But I don't understand why you,

why you don't go there.

Why you don't dig deeper.

I mean, we could have told stories

about things that
real families go through.

- Yeah, well.
- You know what I mean?

And instead, you know, what did we do?

We did an entire episode
based on a Y2K pun.


Why too gay? Yes.

Boy, that Brian Boitano.
He could land a triple Axel.

Couldn't land a single joke.

See, that's what I mean.

I am trying to tell you something

that I've wanted to say for a long time.

- That's hard for me to say.
- Okay.

And you, you always
have to go for the joke.

I didn't hear a laugh.
Did you hear a laugh?

You could be so good if you just tried.

No, Gordon. Why?
Why don't you try?

Wait, wait, you have so much potential.

What are you?
My fourth grade teacher now?

Gordon, I mean it.

You are better than
that genius in the basement.

Very nice of you to say.

Thank you.

I think that's the guy
who invented f*re.

'Cause he's not young.

Who's daddy's little girl?

You are.

Yes, you are. That's right!

Well, I have to admit.

I haven't seen her this happy
in a really long time.

Oh, do you wanna cuddle
with your Aunt Hannah?

You know, I really don't
think that's necessary.

Oh, she's got kisses to spare.

Just don't kiss her straight on the mouth,

because sometimes she spits up a little.

Oh, well. God, self-control initiate.


What happened to us, Zack?

Well, you got jealous of
every woman I worked with,

and I like working with
women who aren't scared

of my girlfriend.

Yeah. I guess that wasn't cool of me.

I've grown up a lot since then.


Maybe we just weren't
right for each other.

- How can you say that?
- We're totally different.

I'm an early riser,
you stay up late at night.

I like watching Rick and Morty,

you like watching things
that aren't Rick and Morty.

Okay. We can share custody.

You can take her half the week,

and we can trade off
on holidays and weekends.

I get Halloween.


You can take her tonight if you want.

Really? Oh, sick.

Hannah said that she can watch her
while I'm at rehearsal.

I did say that. Yeah.

Hey, Marcy,
I just want you to know,

that I don't regret you and me.

Because something really
good came out of us.

This little ray of sunshine.


I think something just came out
of this little ray of sunshine.


Where are we?

Look, I don't have time
to take you home first.

So just sit here,

and look at all the pretty
water bottles and shit.

What is this? Your whore's house?

Your cr*ck den?

Oh, do you really wanna play

the drug card right now, duchess?

Now this is not a great neighborhood.

So just lock the doors and sit.

Do you understand?

You are a bad seed, Clay Barber.

A bad seed.


Oh my God.


Thank you for sharing with us, Janice.

Keep coming back.

So, is anyone celebrating today?

Hello. My name is Clay.

Hi, Clay.

I'm an alcoholic and I'm
celebrating 30 days sober.


This is an AA meeting.

That's right, love.

Come on in, take a seat.

That's not necessary. She was just...

My name is Bree.

Hi Bree.

- Please don't.
- And I'm on mushrooms.

Okay, so...

What is the one thing you don't wanna hear

after bl*wing Willie Nelson?


I'm not Willie Nelson.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Is that, is that good? Is that good?

Look at that. Look at that!

Chuck Lorre gets a star

on the Hollywood walk of fame.

How is that possible?

Holy sh... You know,

maybe like 10 years ago.

I finally get the nerve
to do another pilot.

Network passes.

Why? 'Cause they had to
put three new Chuck Lorre

shows on the air to go
with his 11 other shows.

- Oh, f*ck that guy.
- Right?

No, you, you should have a star.

- Yes.
- I mean, you know.

Let me, let me say this to Chuck Lorre.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna piss on Chuck Lorre's star.

- No, wait, Gordon, no.
- No, I need to do this.

- You can't do this.
- I hate this guy.

I hate this guy. Don't try and stop me.

- I'm not gonna.
- No.

Give a minute.

I can't pee.


Hey, I'll do it for you.



What a guy.

Go ahead.

But do it fast.

Jesus. That's a powerful
stream you got there.

You power wash graffiti
on the weekends with that?

For, you my friend,
it is the least I can do.


Okay. Just peed a little.



How you feeling this morning?

Really, just...


Thanks for coming to get me last night.

No problem. Uh, and next time

you wanna do dr*gs in the woods,

I know some guys
who will do that for free.

I'm sure you do.

Uh, I also wanted to say
that I think it's really,

it's great what you're
doing with the meetings.

Oh yeah. Well, we got
a second chance here.

Just trying not to blow it.

But don't tell anyone,

I have a bad reputation to protect.


I'm glad you're exploring
or whatever you want to call it.

'Cause you used to be so uptight.

- I wasn't uptight.
- Okay.

Vain, narcissistic, prone to meltdowns,
bad at driving.

Fake nice to waiters in a way that shows

you think you're better than them.

Uptight is fine.

It's funny. I needed to
stop getting loaded

and you needed to start.

Who knows? Fifteen years ago,
if I'd had seen this side of you,

maybe I'd have tried
to get in there myself.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Well, 15 years ago, if I was on dr*gs,

- I might have let you.
- Heh.


Hey, you.

That was quite a cute move
you pulled last night.

Sorry about that.

And I think you're right about
getting involved in the actors' lives.

No, it was actually really good.

We drank and we talked and, you know,

we said some things
that needed to be said.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah, so.

Oh, also we promised
a cop a part in the show.

- I won't ask.
- Yeah.

By the way,
I love that restaurant.

Maybe, you and I could
go some time for real,

and have a couple of drinks.

I don't know.

Getting involved in show runners' lives.

They're just, they're
a bottomless pit of need.

Call back, it's cute.

All right. Everybody already in there?

- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll be right in.


- I'm Hugo. One of the grips.
- Yeah.

Zack was telling me you're good at

helping people with their problems.

- Oh.
- You see,

my wife just left me
'cause I bought a jet ski

without telling her.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Um, let's talk in my office.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Or some place else.
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