09x10 - Doggy Blu's

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

-[Kris] Oh, my god!
-What's wrong?

[Kris] I stepped in a huge pile
of Kendall's [bleep] dog's dog [bleep].

-[Kim] My god.
-Every day, it's the same thing!

-[Kim] Mom, shh. The baby is sleeping.
-[Kris] This is making me gag.

You don't smell this?
I'm throwing up in my mouth.

The dog is the size of a small pony.

[Kris]
Could you get a wet paper towel, please?

And stop pretending, in the mornings, like
you don't need to clean up this [bleep].

-It's day after day after day.
-[Kim] Mom, it's Kendall's dog.

-She needs to take care of it.
-[Kris] She's not here.

Kendall is such a dog lover,

and this year, Rob has decided
to get her a puppy for her birthday.

-[Bruce] How's the new dog working out?
-Good. Blu, come here.

[hums]

And not so lucky for me,

Kendall's modeling is really taking off,
so she's constantly traveling for work.

And I'm stuck here,
picking up the [bleep].

[faucet running]

[Kim] Here.

To go clean up the dog poop.

[Kris]
You can help me clean up the dog poop.

-I do it every day, Kim.
-Oh, no. Oh, no.

-I am tired of cleaning up [bleep].
-Mom, I'm gonna be late.

-I have to go to a photo sh**t.
-[Kris] Okay, well, I have to go, too.

This is just a bunch of crap.

The [bleep] I put up with.

[upbeat music]

[Mason mumbles]

-[Kourtney] Hey.
-[door closes]

[Scott] What are you doing?

I was really just trying to think
about the outside.

Like, do you think
we should do the whole project?

Well, it's been going on
a long time, that construction.

I'm so over it.

-I am, too.
-But we have to finish the fire pit,

and we either need to put
the wood deck around the fire pit,

or do the whole shebang.

It just depends on how long
we want to stay here.

Scott and I have been looking
for houses for a little while now.

We also had some plans drawn up to change
our backyard at our current house

to make it more family-friendly
if we don't find something.

Visually, it'll look good. I don't know.

But I kind of, like, need to try to focus

on some of these little things
that I have going on, too, and…

-[Scott] What are you doing?
-Is this trash?

-I can't even hear myself think.
-Look. Is this trash?

There's a good chance.

[Kourtney] So do you want to leave it here
for ten more years?

Come on. Could you just leave me alone
so I can get some things done?

-I'm trying to take care of business.
-What are you doing?

-I don't know exactly what I do yet.
-[Kourtney] What do you do?

I gotta get out of this house.
I can't work from home.

-[Kourtney] I'm helping you.
-Help me help you get out of this office.

My little office room
is detached from the house,

so I thought that would give me
all the privacy I needed.

But it doesn't.

There is always people
running in and out, and…

It's not easy.

You got a nice little pimple
right on the tip of your nose.

-[Scott] I'm trying to do things.
-Right here.

-Can you not come in here…
-No, right here.

I've actually never seen
one like that on you.

Oh, come on, man. Oh, my…

-I don't like this.
-It's gonna hurt.

[screams]

[laughs]

But I got it.

Anyway, stop bustin' chops over here.
I need to do things.

[dog barks]

[Kris] Hey, Kendall.

-[Kendall] Blu!
-Those two things

somebody sent you in the mail
are actually pretty cool.

They're like these Spanx things.

[Kris] One's a top and one's a bottom,
like a legging.

There's, like, butt holes, Mom.
Yeah, this would be great.

[Kris] Well, I haven't seen 'em, honey.

[dog collars shackle]

[Kris] It would probably teach you,
actually, responsibility

if you got up every morning
and took these dogs out

and made sure they were okay
and cleaned up their poop.

[Kendall] Teach me responsibility?
Mom, please.

Well, you don't bring a big dog home

and then just leave it
to everyone else to take care of.

-[Kendall] That's not what I'm doing.
-That's all I'm saying.

[Kendall] And don't act like
you do anything to help her.

She's not…
You don't ever take care of her.

Kendall, who gets up every morning
and walks through the poop

and lets the dogs out
and then cleans it up?

Who do you think does that?

The lies coming out
of your mouth right now…

[Kris] I did.

[Kendall] I know damn well you were not
the one feeding these dogs.

When was the last time you fed them?

-Never.
-Before I left for…

I don't know who Kendall thinks is gonna
take care of this puppy while she's gone

because she doesn't even
ask about the puppy.

I really feel like Kendall thinks
that me taking care of the puppy

is part of my job as a mom.

But it's really my kids' responsibility
if they want to get these animals.

You fed them for 24 hours
after you had the dog, Kendall.

And then you just expected them
to magically get fed and groomed

-and taken care of.
-That's not true.

-Yeah, it is.
-[Kendall] Not true at all.

How come it always turns into
me being this horrible person?

'Cause you are a horrible person.
To these dogs.

Kendall, why are you
making this so difficult?

-Eat that pillow. Eat it. Eat that pillow.
-Oh, no! No. No. No.

-Don't… No.
-[Kendall] Enjoy your life.

-Enjoy your life.
-Don't eat… Ouch!

Don't eat the pillow!

Please, don't eat the pillow!

No! No!

Welcome, hey. I'm Ben.
Welcome to SoulCycle.

Uh, the first thing you want to remember

is everything is
with the b*at of the music.

[Ben] One, two, one, two, one,
two, one, two, yeah.

It's a little bit bizarre
at first, but… yeah.

Does your vag*na hurt when you do this?

-[Ben] What's that?
-[Khloe] My vag*na hurts.

-Oh, yeah, my…
-Is it supposed to?

I've heard, yeah.

[Ben]
You have to deal with that hurt vag*na

for, like, the first two
or three classes, I think.

We're gonna put our elbows
in and press like this.

[Ben] Down.

Yeah.

Right and left. Nice.

[Kris] Does your crotch hurt?

Like, mine hasn't seen
this much action since 1934.

[Kendall] Do you always have to be
the center of attention?

It's so annoying.

[Khloe] Ew, Mom, you're so embarrassing.
You need to act your age.

A desperate whore.

Well, thank you, girls, so much.

-Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
-[girls] Thank you.

-[Ben] Amazing job, yeah.
-You were amazing. Amazing.

Lovely time.

Thank you.

This reminds me of being in the club.

For real.

I love the music, I love the energy.
Everyone's so excited.

[Kris] Whoo!

[Kendall] Why are you going to clubs?
This is so embarrassing.

I like being out and about.

[Khloe] Ever since Bruce moved out,
my mom needs so much more attention.

But sometimes,
it's, like, okay, relax, chill.

Like, everyone knows you're here.

[Kendall]
She's an embarrassment to the family.

-[Khloe] She really is.
-[Kendall] We should disown her.

I can hear you. I'm right here.

[Kendall] Kimberly's filming you.

[Kim] I'm gonna post this,
you guys twerking.

[laughs]

Twerk it.
[screams]

[Kendall laughing]

-[Kris] You're not the best twerker.
-[Khloe] I told you.

Honey…

my twerking skills are for the bedroom,
not for the club.

[Kim] Hi.

What are you guys doing?

[Khloe] Hello.

[Kim] Sorry I had to call you back.
I was putting the baby to bed.

You're supposed to be here.

[Kim] Oh, my god.

-Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
-What?

Wait, there's like, literally,
diarrhea all in the room.

[Kim] Like, it is so gross.

From the baby?

No, not the baby. It's the dog.

Ew, this disgusting dog.

[Kim] I just had to literally go
put on some sandals.

Oh, my god, if you even saw this, like…

Oh, my…

I'm literally gonna barf, hold on.

[Kim] It is so disgusting.

I don't know how it is,
like, even possible

for a dog to even [bleep] like this.

There is not any amount of money
that anyone can pay me to clean this up.

You have never in your life
experienced diarrhea like this

from that huge Great Dane.

No, I don't…
[laughs over phone]

I don't care to… I believe you.
I just don't want to see it.

No. Oh, my god,
I literally feel light-headed.

If you've even seen what this looks like,
you would die.

You would just literally die.

Well, I'm happy I'm not there
'cause I don't want to die.

[door closes]

[Kim] Hello?

-Mom?
-Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. Do you smell this?

[sniffs]
Yeah.

It's, like, I smell anything…
What is that other smell?

No, it's, like, this shirt.

-It smells like dog [bleep].
-[Kim] Yeah.

-But it really reeks in here.
-[Kim] Yeah.

What's going on?

Will you put this in the dryer for me?

In the dryer? No, honey.
You have to have this dry cleaned.

I know, but maybe you could just
put it in the pile over there.

The dry cleaning thing in the laundry.

You are getting really lazy, honey.

[Kris]
I mean, you can put it in your own self.

-Kim!
-[Kim] What?

[Kris] You piece of [bleep].

[Kris] Kim!

-[Kim] What?
-[Kris] You piece of [bleep].

You're an awful person

that you would let me
walk into this as a joke.

-Are you kidding?
-[Kim] I'm an awful person?

Yeah, you're an awful person.
You can take care of your own stupid top.

[Kris] Oh, my god!

It, like [bleep].

And you didn't even open the doors?

You are not a good person.

-[Kris] Where's Kendall?
-I have no idea. She's gone.

Like, it's her… it's her responsibility.

[Kris groaning]

I am gonna vomit.

This dog is the size of a horse
and so is its [bleep].

-[Kim] Here, I'll help.
-[Kris] Yeah, you'll help.

You're a pain in the ass, Kim.
You don't even know how to help.

-No, I am.
-Really?

[sprays perfume]

That's how you're helping?
I am going to throw up.

[Kris]
It is so gross, and I'm, like, gagging.

It's like 101 Dalmatians pooped and peed
in my laundry room times two.

I really think that my kids think that
this is my job to take care of it all,

and I'm over it.

It's not fair.

[Kris retches]

[groans]

I can't look at this.
Kim, please, help me.

[Kim] Oh, my god.

[retches, groans]

-[Kim] I can't with that smell.
-[groans]

[Kris] Kim, you're a piece of [bleep].

-Get out here and help me!
-Mom, it's not my mess!

I didn't [bleep] all over the floor.

And next time,
teach Kendall to take her dog

to, like, a dog spa or a kennel

or wherever they house dogs
for the weekend.

[Kris] [bleep] dogs.

[phone ringing]

-[Scott] Hello.
-[Kourtney] Where are you?

Yeah, I'm in the back of the restaurant
in my van.

In the back of the parking lot.
You'll see the big black Sprinter van.

-I'm in the van.
-[Kourtney] What does that mean?

I got the mobile office now.
Just meet me in the van.

-[Kourtney] You got a van? Is this a joke?
-[Scott] Take a seat.

[Scott] You know, working from home
just isn't right.

People are always bothering me.
I can't focus on what I'm doing.

So, I have this mobile office.
I'm kind of testing it out right now.

I got Wi-Fi, I got speaker phone.

I guess they're calling it
Bluetooth these days.

I got everything you need, so I'm sure
I can find some use for it here and there.

-What goes on here?
-Just a little bit of work.

I mean, it's a mobile office.
I had to get out of the home.

Why do you have cheese
when you're lactose intolerant?

[Scott] That was for you
'cause I knew you were coming.

I set out an hors d'oeuvre.

[Kourtney] But what's the point?

When I'm in this van…

it's all going on up here.

[Scott] I can get stuff done,
I got Internet connection,

I got television.

[Kourtney] You wanted me to meet you
for lunch to come sit in a van?

And have lunch with me.
What's wrong with that?

We're not on the same page.

Scott was trying to convince me to get
one of these Sprinter vans so long ago,

and now he's trying to come up
with the excuse

that he needs one as a mobile office,
but he doesn't need it for any reason.

-Marc? Hi, it's Kourtney.
-[Scott] I know. I'm in a mobile office.

Hi. I'm actually…

Scott has this mobile office
that he rolls around in,

and I'm sitting in it with him.

-Marc would love to see this.
-He said you would love to see it.

-He needs one of these.
-You need one, he said.

I think we were gonna go
pick up Khloé at her house,

and we were gonna see if you were
available to look at that house.

Yeah. Okay. But let's go show Khloé.

[Kourtney] What's the point of having
a mobile office again?

[Scott] There's a lot of distractions
lately at the house.

I felt like for a guy like me on the go,

running around,
doing a deal here, doing a deal there,

it's just easier for me
to have the mobile office.

Do you think you're gonna get
more work done?

Yeah, I mean, I can see more people.
I'm trying something new out.

You always say I should venture
outside of the box.

-[Scott] There she is.
-[Khloe] Are you joking?

-Wait, this is so awesome, Kourt.
-No, no, you have no idea what's inside.

[Khloe] Can we have this forever?

[Scott] Hold on, doll, watch out.
Let me get you guys in there.

-Where do I go?
-Sit over there.

You guys, this is so spectacular.

I mean, is this not the chill zone?

-Ooh, road view.
-[Scott] It's the [bleep]. You see it all.

Okay, so, Khlo, the deal on this house.

[Kourtney] There's a lot of things
I like about this house.

There's really not much that I don't like.

-I really like the pictures and the vibe.
-Yeah.

We should drive this everywhere.
I think it just puts you in a good mood.

It's just easy.

It's like you're on a plane
just chilling out.

-[Khloe] This puts you in a good mood.
-Thought it's supposed to be

a work thing, guys.

[Khloe] You know what?
You work hard, play hard.

-Work hard, play hard.
-[Khloe] That's what I'm down for.

I love that Khloé
has the same appreciation that I do

for this mobile van.

And, hopefully, her energy towards it
rubs off on Kourtney

and she realizes this mobile van
is here to stay.

[Khloe] Oh, [bleep].

-[Kourtney] Okay, Khlo, let's look around.
-[Khloe] Yeah.

This is the main TV room.

-She probably understands that.
-[Khloe] Kourtney, I…

-She's not an idiot.
-…I know how to look at a house.

-I love this house.
-[Scott] Yeah, who doesn't?

I want to move here though.

We could be in here love-making,
watching the kids hang out at the pool.

[Khloe] I don't want to know
what you guys do. But just like…

[Scott] Trust me, we're not having sex.
We just like to pretend.

…watching your kids hanging out.

I want to say bad things just so
you will not want to get this house

'cause then I'm writing an offer
right when you leave.

-Look, this is… I think this is so…
-[Kourtney] I would put, like, a bunk bed.

And then a cool chair in the corner.

-How many more kids are we having?
-I would think two more.

-[Scott] That's great.
-What? Two more?

Marc, find me an apartment.

And she's got birth control, by the way,
and she doesn't take it.

-I know, I'm supposed to start on Sunday.
-[Khloe] Oh, my gosh.

-She said that last Sunday.
-[Khloe] I can't deal.

[Scott] Come take a look at the backyard.

-Seriously, this is so nice.
-I mean, look at this.

It's, like, a little paradise.

[Khloe] If you don't take it,
I'll take it.

-Okay.
-[Scott] And I'll live with Khloé.

We needed more hands up. Yeah.

[Kris] Yeah.

Don't double dip.

-Don't double dip.
-[Kris] You can't double dip.

-This wasn't double dipping.
-Oh, my god.

-Put it in a little dish.
-Oh, my god.

I seriously I can't handle you two.
You're literally the same person.

Okay. You guys just double dip
to your heart's content.

Why does it smell like bleach down here?

Because I'm trying to get rid
of your dog's poop smell

that lasts and lingers for days
after it poops everywhere.

-[Kris] I mean…
-Well, yeah.

-[Kris] It's overwhelming.
-Maybe you shouldn't let her in so early.

Maybe you should take care
of your own dog.

-How about that?
-Yeah, it's pretty gross. Honestly.

I mean, why do I have to get up
every morning and clean up

gag-worthy [bleep] everywhere?

This is just ridiculous.

[Kris] Kendall was out of town
and I was picking up dog poop.

Now, Kendall's back in town,
and I'm still picking up dog poo.

And if I ask her
to pick up her own [bleep]

all I get is a nasty attitude.

I would do it happily,
but you don't even give me the chance.

You do it before me
and then you att*ck me for it after.

[Scott] Yeah, it's true.
All right, I'll see you soon.

Okay, bye-bye.

[clicks]

[line ringing]

-[Khloe] The lord.
-How are you, Khlo?

-How the hell are you, Haverstrand?
-Aw, just working away.

-Where are you working?
-I'm working in the bus.

That is like a house on wheels.
I want to go with you.

-You do?
-Yeah.

Bring, like, some kind of paperwork
or some kind of contract

just so you can work a little, too.

I'll bring some line sheets
so we can do the buying for DASH.

I'll pick you up shortly
and then we'll cruise the mobile.

-Okay, bye.
-Bye-bye.

I got to tell you,

I do like my mobile office,
but sometimes, I need a little action.

[Scott] If you want to k*ll time
and have fun, you get Khloé.

Oh, my god.
This mobile office is so divine.

And if she wants to work a little
in the van, too, that's fine.

I don't mind renting you
a little space in the van.

You know, I'll rent you a couple
quarter feet on the left side of the van

if you want to get working.

[Khloe] Oh, [bleep], I forgot to bring
the line sheets so we could work.

Let's work from my cell phone.
I haven't eaten once today.

We can eat on the go, Mama Joe.

That's the best part about it.
You pick up and run.

I've been in my office for a while,

and I just want to be one with the people
and the food trucks really, so why not?

And I'm not gonna go eat
at a restaurant like a peasant.

I can eat inside my office.

I cannot eat here. Oh, my god.

Can I do the Cheesy Mac Melt?
And an order of tater tots full.

What is this, a tomato soup sh*t?
What does that mean?

It's just like a little sh*t
of tomato soup.

-It comes in a…
-[Scott] Okay, I'll take a cup.

I'll just have that. I don't eat cheese.

[vendor]
I'm gonna bring it right over to you guys.

-Can you bring it to the van?
-[vendor] I sure will.

All right, so we'll wait,
so let's sit in the van.

The last few years have been not great,

so I really cherish being silly
and laughing and doing dumb things.

And if there's anyone that I could
guarantee do dumb things with, it's Scott.

This is orgasmic.

-The tots?
-Uh-huh.

-Oh, yeah.
-[Khloe] It's, like, life-altering.

Oh, my lord.
What are they trying to do to people?

-[Khloe] How do people eat that for lunch?
-[Scott] Then go back to work.

Where's the Go Green truck?

I think it's only a few blocks away,
and we'll actually have lunch there

'cause this is too much to handle.

-[Scott] A'right, let's get our health on.
-[Khloe] Yeah.

Can I do the Kale Yeah bowl with chicken?

I want the Kale Yeah bowl with…

-The Mother Trucker patty?
-[Khloe] Yeah, let's do the Mother…

[laughs]

Just… the names amaze me.

-[Scott] What about the Kale Yeah?
-Kale Yeah.

Oh, Kale Yeah.

It just is icing on the cake
that Khloé and I are into the same things.

-Mm.
-This is the way to go.

Who needs to go to a restaurant
when you have a mobile office?

[Khloe] Kale Yeah!
[laughs]

If I'm the pitcher, I don't need a bat.

[Kendall] Yeah,
I don't know why you have that.

[giggling softly]

[Khloe] You did it! Home run!

Oh, I should've done that.

Where's Kim?
[chuckles]

[Kendall]
I'm having so much fun without her.

Let's go find her.

[upbeat electronic music]

-[photographer exclaims]
-[camera clicking]

What is happening?

Yo.

Hi.

-[Khloe] You're still here willingly?
-[Kendall chuckles]

[Kim] Yeah.

-I want to pull an all-nighter here.
-Oh, my god.

-Are you serious?
-Yeah.

This is a tough mirror.

-You think?
-Or just a tough day.

Mom is being so annoying with Blu.
She, like, won't stop complaining about…

I would be annoyed, too.
You're never home with the dog.

I just haven't been home
for the past few weeks

-'cause I've been busy, but…
-[Kim] The past month.

Legit a month, and you left this,
not even a dog, you left a horse.

-You're turning into Mom.
-[Kim] No, I'm not.

-Yeah, you are.
-It is so outrageous what this dog does.

It's not fair.
It's not fair to do to anyone

to let them clean up after your mess
every single morning.

-The dog makes…
-I'm sorry, I'm not home.

…the whole hallway a full diarrhea thing.

It's, like… But, like, wet.

Ew.

[Khloe]
My mom and Kim are just two peas in a pod.

They bitch and complain about everything,
and they overexaggerate.

And I also just don't think
that much [bleep] comes out of a dog.

I just, I mean,
their story was pretty elaborate.

So, instead of being so mad at Mom,

you should thank Mom for cleaning up
after your dog every single day.

Listen, if you whore yourself out
that much, and have six kids,

you should have a little repercussions.

[Kendall] Yeah, that whore.

Well, isn't Kendall turning into
a little mini Khloé.

[Kendall] It's not a bad thing.

-Not at all.
-[chuckles]

Probably the best thing for her,
career-wise.

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

-[Kourtney] Hello?
-[Scott] Hello.

-Hi.
-Could you do me a favor?

Could you bring me
an ice-cold water down to me?

I'm outside of the garage.

Why don't you come inside?

I'm in the office, and I didn't want
to, like, interrupt my work,

so could you just bring it out
in the mobile van?

[Kourtney]
This is just getting out of control.

I mean, I'm definitely not a waitress,

and I'm not gonna be
Scott's little server.

[Scott] Come on in.

This is literally a joke at this point.

Why? It's much more private
than being home.

No one distracts me.

-No one bothers you inside.
-That's not necessarily true.

There's a lot going on at the house.
There's always people here.

What are you doing
that you can't be bothered?

I don't like being interrupted.

I don't know why you're hating
on my office.

No. You can't keep this truck
parked in our driveway.

[Scott] It's not a truck.
It's a mobile office.

You're not going anywhere.
I can always move. It's mobile.

[Kourtney] Let's be honest.

We know you're not doing
any work out here.

I see on the Internet you and Khloé
eating at all the food trucks,

and that's what you're doing
with your time.

[Scott] That's not all I do, but, yeah.

There was one day Khloé came with me.
and we rode around for a bit.

We took care of some things.

You're distracting yourself in this thing.

Everything you're doing in here,
you could do in your office at home.

I know Scott is going through a lot

and some of these purchases
may make him feel better,

but we have been trying to save up
for a new house,

so I think buying a crazy Sprinter van
that we're never gonna use,

it's really not the right time.

It's not an office.

-Meeting adjourned.
-[Kourtney] Call it what it is.

[beeping]

[cameras clicking]

[indistinct chatter]

-Should we let…
-Where should I sit?

…the mother hen sit in the middle?

Maybe.

Are you liking the brunette?
Back to the roots?

I do. I liked it blond, too.

[Kim] I am so excited for the wedding.

[Lisa] We have to make our reservation.

What day are you going?
How much in advance?

-I'm gonna go days before…
-Days.

…because I have dress fitting
and all that good stuff, so…

-[Lisa] How many people?
-Just, like, 150.

-Are you gonna have good food?
-[Kim] Yeah, really good food.

Are you gonna have any single men there?

-This is my year.
-Yeah, I'm sure.

[Lisa] This year, I'm telling you,
next year, I'm going to be married.

-[Kim] Yeah.
-[Brittny] It smells like crap.

-It smells like sulfur.
-[laughs]

-Brittny?
-Not me.

[Brittny] Do you smell that? Did you fart?

[Kim] No, I swear I didn't fart.

I swear to God it's my shirt.

-Smell my shirt.
-[Lisa] I'm not, I smell it.

It's really sad.

You know, Kendall's dog,
she has this huge Great Dane,

and it's been hanging in the laundry room,

and we put the dog in there
before we go to bed.

It really smells.

Oh, great, thank you for sharing.

It smells like [bleep].

You don't think you have
one of North's dirty diapers in this bag?

-[Kim] That's what it smells like.
-[laughs]

[Lisa] Yeah.

I can't even believe that the dog's stench
has just, like, taken over everything,

and it's so embarrassing.

Like, how are you living like this?

Kendall does not take care of her dog.

Because my mom goes to bed so early,
so she puts it in early.

-I mean, you guys know. You have dogs.
-But our dogs are this big.

-My mom gets up at 4:00 in the morning…
-That's like a horse taking a…

…and puts the dog out.
[bleep] It's literally a horse.

But it's diarrhea.
Wet, dirty, disgusting diarrhea.

[Kim] And all my stuff…
I swear, it smells like [bleep].

-She just thinks my mom…
-[waiter] How are the tapas?

Really good.

-You ladies know what everything was?
-[Brittny] Yeah.

-Do you smell her?
-[laughs]

It's this new perfume
I've been testing out.

-[Brittny] Eau la…
-Eau du [bleep].

[both laughing]

[waiter]
Did they tell you what everything was?

Shut up, I don't want to,
like, bring attention to it.

Well, I don't want him to think it's us.
I mean, I don't want him to think it's me.

It wouldn't be perfect Kim Kardashian,
it would be me with the two dogs.

-You're going down.
-You're gonna…

[both laughing]

[Lisa] 'Cause we know mine are bad.
[laughs]

Oh, Ms. Perfect,
you ain't so perfect tonight.

[Scott] What the [bleep] Where's my van?

[line ringing]

-[Danielle] Hello?
-Hey, it's Scott. Is Kourt there?

-No, she's not.
-Oh. Do you know where my van is?

'Cause it was in the driveway when I left,
and I'm pulling up now, and it's not here.

I mean, she's out running errands,
so you'd just have to ask her.

I have no idea.

[Scott] If you speak to her,
tell her to call me.

-I'll pass on those exact words.
-Thank you.

[Scott] My mobile office, it's gone.

You know, it's not like
a MINI Cooper or a motorcycle

that could just get picked up and thrown.

It's a damn bus. That's not right.

[Scott exhales]
[bleep] unbelievable.

-[Khloe] I like your hair.
-P, tell KoKo that you had two sh*ts.

[Khloe] What? Did they hurt?

Want to give North a kiss?
Give North a kiss.

[Kourtney] No, she's obsessed with her.

The other day, Kim had this photo sh**t
for her website or whatever,

and Kendall was just, like, talking
about Mom or whatever, complaining.

And then Kim was like,
"You're turning into a mini Khloé."

You guys are mean.

[Kim] Mom was up at 1:00 AM,
crying all night long.

She's like, "I'm just so tired
of being all of your guys' mom.

Like, everyone is so mean to me."

[Penelope babbling]

[Kim] I mean, I just think
you're rubbing off on Kendall.

So if you were mean to Mom,

then she's gonna think
it's okay to be mean to Mom.

It's not fun for my mom
when she gets att*cked by Khloé,

but I think she's used to it.

But I think it just, like, stings
even more when it comes from Kendall,

because, you know, Kendall's
her little sweet baby.

And Khloé is just, you know,
being a bad influence on her.

I mean, Kendall and Kylie
just, like, look up to you so much.

They're just gonna see what you do
and then do the same thing,

and I just would hate for everyone
to just start ganging up on Mom.

-[Khloe] How pretty is it?
-[Kendall] So pretty.

There's always helicopters, like,
that, um, have to rescue people,

'cause people get, like,
lost in these trails, I guess.

How dumb of them.

[scoffs]

[Kendall] I would do that just for fun.

Like, say I was lost
and then have them come and get me.

-You have to pay for it.
-Oh, do you?

Yeah, like when you ride in an ambulance,
you know, you pay for it later.

Ew.

-What a rip-off.
-What a rip-off.

[Kendall] Step. Step.

Doggies.

Hey, just to let you guys know,

they're ticketing people if their dog's
not on a leash and they're not licensed.

-[Kendall] Okay.
-So just make sure…

-[Khloe] Thank you.
-[Kendall] All right, thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

[Kendall]
What does that mean, being ticketed?

I didn't know you could
get ticketed for your dog.

Like, it's against…
You have to have your dog on a leash

and Blu has to have,
like, an ID collar tag.

-[Kendall] Does she not have one?
-[Khloe] No, she has one right there.

It's the round one.

It's the LA County dog license.
It's on there.

So didn't you register or do that?

[Kendall] No.

[Khloe] Well, someone did it for you.
I'm sure Mom did.

[Kendall]
Why would she do that without telling me?

-I mean, she was probably…
-[Khloe] Why would she do that? Hello?

-I mean, I like that she did it, like…
-[Khloe] Oh, my god.

You're mad that she actually

-did something nice for you?
-I'm not mad. It's just a little annoying.

[Khloe] Kim is definitely right.

I've been bitchy to my mom
for a while now,

and I always say I want to work on it
and I just never do.

-[Kris] Come on, Gabbana.
-The dog hates you. Hi.

Oh. This is my emotional turmoil
taking over me.

Don't make fun of me.

-I think I might have walking pneumonia.
-I think it's stress.

Duh, dumb [bleep].

Sometimes, I feel like I set
a bad example for you and Kyles.

I feel like we all att*ck her.

[Kendall] No, but I feel like we're all
on the same page with her.

Kendall is so sweet,

and I could tell that my bad attitude
is definitely rubbing off.

Mom, that is the most disgusting thing
that you wear that much makeup,

that even just placing your face
on my sheets makes it come off.

That's disgusting. Leave my room.

[Khloe] Like, I don't want to lead
by a bad example.

I could show my mom a little more respect.

It's a bug. Hi, bug.

Well, I think my major mission in life
is to be nicer to Mom.

I feel like I'm just a [bleep] to her.

-But, sometimes, it's so…
-Do you ever think about getting

your mustache, like, plucked,
or waxed or something?

I pluck mine.

But I just saw it in the sunlight.
It was really gleaming.

-It's blond hair.
-No, it's not, it's totally brown.

-What?
-It's brown.

[door closes]

-Hey.
-Yeah.

-I heard you wanted to see me?
-Yeah.

Where's my bus?

[tense music]

Your bus?

My mobile office?
You know what I'm talking about.

Where'd it go?

-[Scott] Where's my bus?
-Your bus?

My mobile office?
You know what I'm talking about.

Where'd it go?

[Scott] It's big,
it can't just go missing.

It could?

Maybe I had it all chopped up
and sold each part, one by one.

-You own a chop shop?
-Yup.

I'll invest in that business.
It's a good business.

So where is the van?

The one that was blocking my driveway
so I couldn't leave?

This morning,
when I tried to leave the house,

I found Scott's mobile office
blocking my car.

[Kourtney] So I called the dealership,

and I asked them to take back
the mobile office early.

I know Scott was trying to pretend
that he needed this mobile office

to have quiet space for his work,
but who is he kidding?

[Kourtney]
I returned it, and I cancelled the lease.

What?

You shouldn't leave thinking that,
like, I'm not gonna leave all day.

Of course, I know that you go
in and out of the house.

I'm just saying, you know,
you don't have to disrupt my bus.

You have so many cars that you don't need,

so you don't want to add another car
that's really expensive.

You've wanted that car for years.
I've heard you talk about it.

Well, it's a nice accessory.

-So don't use us as an excuse…
-[Scott] I'm not.

…that we're distracting you.

All right, you're not a distraction.
I just wanted to buy a mobile home.

Put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the front
of your office that nobody will listen to.

That's not gonna do anything.
No one listens to me here.

I wish Kourtney was a bit more supportive
of my mobile office,

but, yeah,
it was more of just a distraction

and kind of one more thing I wanted to get

to take my mind off
of other things probably.

Okay, well, I'm glad
you're in good spirits.

I'm not in that good a spirits.

[Kourtney] Okay.

Ouch!

[upbeat music]

[Khloe] I got a spray tan,
and it really didn't do much,

but it did something.

[Kendall] Mm. So pretty.

-[Khloe] Ken?
-[Kendall] Mm?

[Khloe] We've been so mean to Mom.

I feel like I'm setting
a really bad example

because I am such a bitch,
and it's not okay.

I just feel like it's how we are.

Yeah, but I feel like
I'm such a bad influence, and…

I mean, sometimes, it's funny,

but I think, like, too much,
it gets a little overwhelming.

Yeah, and she's pretty sensitive.
I feel like she takes it personally.

She does so many things that even,
like, we're not, like, aware of, too.

Like, even, like, her getting,
like, Blu her collar.

[Khloe] Like, she does little things
for me all the time.

We have to be more aware
and be, like, nicer to her.

-Okay.
-[Khloe] Yeah!

Where is she? In her room?

I don't know. I think so.

Let's go say "hi" to her.

Mom?

-[Khloe] Mom?
-[Kris] Yeah?

[Kendall and Khloe giggle]

-Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
-Hi.

[Kris] What's going on? You smell good.

-[Kendall squeals]
-[Kris] What's up, guys?

-I love that you're hugging me.
-[Khloe] Oh, we love you.

I love you, too. Are you okay?
Have you been drinking?

Are you all right, Khloé?

Kendall and I are gonna make
a pact, pinkie swear,

that we're gonna be nicer to you
and more appreciative,

but tell you 'cause we are appreciative.

We just don't tell you enough

how grateful we are
and how much we love you.

Thanks for registering Blu.

I get that Khloé and I
are often hard on my mom.

I know I complain about her a lot,
but I am 18 years old.

I need to start taking
more responsibility for things.

At the end of the day, I'm always thankful
for everything my mom has done for me.

-We just want to be nicer to you.
-Yeah?

[squealing]

[Kendall] It's a spider!

-What?
-That's disgusting.

-[Kendall] It's like a spider slash ant.
-[Kris] What?

[Kendall] Get it.

-[Khloe] Mom.
-[Kris] It's right there.

[mutters]

-Baby got back.
-Where was this?

Going to dinner the other day,
or lunch with my sisters.

Oh, okay.

You know what? I was gonna wear,
like, this orangey kind of lipstick.

-"This orangey kind of lipstick."
-[Malika] Khloé.

My mom is gonna k*ll us 'cause we're late.

Just so you know, when your mother
freaks out about where we're taking her,

I'm going to blame all of this on you.

-[Kris] Hello.
-Hey, Mom.

-Hey, honey.
-Do you have your party panties on?

-I don't have any underwear on at all.
-Ooh, get it, girl.

[Khloe] Yay! Party it up.

I mean, I just have a little dress on
with some boots. Is that okay?

-Yeah…
-That is perfect.

[laughing]

It is?

-You're gonna look so cute.
-Yes, you always look amazing.

Mom, you always look gorg.

We are not worried about you.
We are just gonna have a blast.

I feel like I owe my mom
more than just an apology,

so I'm gonna take her
to where all her dreams will come true.

Okay, get ready.

Okay. Bye, guys.

My mom has no idea
what's in store for her tonight.

-I feel so bad for her already.
-[Khloe] Why? She's gonna love it.

'Cause this is gonna…
No, she's gonna love it,

-but this is gonna hurt tomorrow.
-She loves everyone.

Oh, she'll be fine.

[dog barking]

This is exciting. So, what part of town
are we going to, ladies?

You are just like me.
Like, you need full control.

-Are we checking in somewhere?
-You never know.

Are we going on a road trip?

[Kris] Are we going to the Hollywood sign?

I feel like you're asking
a lot of questions.

Yes, I am.

Khloé and Malika basically kidnap me
and tell me we're going on a surprise.

I don't know where I'm going.

Are we going to Capital Records?

Maybe. I'll get you a record deal.

-Or the Knickerbocker.
-You've been punked. You're getting fired.

[Khloe giggles]

For all I know, I could end up
in a desert somewhere by myself.

Just relax.

-Okay, now we're in Hollywood.
-[Khloe] Mm-hm.

-We're not in the Valley anymore.
-We're not in Kansas anymore.

Dorothy.

[Khloe]
Diddy will be proud of you tonight.

-Are we gonna see Diddy?
-[Khloe] I don't think he's here.

He's out with French Montana.
And he's in Miami, actually.

Hollywood Boulevard. Oh, we are living.

-Mm-hm.
-Mm-hm.

Pretty Woman, honey.

Oh, then, I wore the right boots.

[dance music]

-Come. Come.
-[Khloe] Come on.

Okay.

[Kris giggling]
Look who's here. Oh, my god.

-Hi.
-I like this little number you got.

[The Game] At least we wore, like,

-different materials.
-The same…

-Yeah.
-With a little leather.

-[Kris] We're coordinated.
-Yeah.

-You look so good.
-You like?

-Yeah, I love it.
-[The Game] I like it.

-[Kris] Where are we going?
-[Khloe] She has no idea what's happening.

-Wait. Is this how Khloé hangs out?
-[The Game] Yeah.

[Kris] Where did all these people
come from? And where are we going?

[Khloe] Mom, work it out.

[Malika] We're going to a club.

[dance music]

[Kris] Oh, my gosh.

So, because I brought up a club,

now Khloé is surprising me
by taking me to a club with her and Malika

and all their friends, and, you know what?

It's actually really cool,
and looks like a lot of fun.

[cheering]

[cheers continue]

Hi.

My mom gets to let her hair down
and drink as much as she wants, get wild.

[Khloe] Like, it's so cute.

[squeals]

[Khloe] Scott's here.

[screaming]

-What are you doing here?
-[Scott] I heard you were coming out!

Hold up! Kris Jenner got something
to say about the twerk.

-Hi, kids!
-[all laughing]

I just wanted to say,

I thought it would be a really cool idea
to have a little twerk contest.

What do you think? Let's go!

Whoo!

My mom really is a phenomenal,
amazing woman.

She takes on so much.
I don't know how she does it.

I don't know why she wants to do it.

But I definitely think
she deserves more credit.

And she is the glue
that holds this family together.

[Kim] Next on
Keeping Up with the Kardashians…

[Kourtney]
Who's ready to see their new house?

Yay!

I'm going back to the other house.

I'm gonna have to move without her.

My mom and I have been invited
as the guests

to one of Austria's
most well-known entrepreneurs.

[man] Hi, Kim! It's me. It's me, Kanye!

We see a guy that is dressed in blackface.

…to dance, we wait for [bleep] in Vienna.

Oh, my god.
Did he say what I think he just said?

Everything from this trip
has just been a true nightmare.

[Kris] That was incredibly inappropriate.

I'm at my limit, and we just need
to get the hell out of here.