15x04 - The Nightmare Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Keeping
Up with the Kardashians...

KOURTNEY: I don't want to
spend my time around people that

are mean.
KHLOE: Kourtney and I have a

really special bond.
I haven't felt that from her in

the past couple months.
KOURTNEY: You guys, like,

aren't happy for me.
It's like everything is more

important.
KIM: Whatever Kourtney's

going through, it's just so much
deeper than me and Khloe.

And until Kourtney is ready to
talk about it, we can't push

her. ♪ ♪

KRIS: Ooh, what is going on?
KHLOE: Hi, Mom.

KRIS: Hi, boo.
I don't understand, I told them

I wanted to, like, cut back on
all my carbs, and somebody gave

me a bowl of bread.
It's very confusing.

KHLOE: What is that, chili?
KRIS: It's like sabotage.

KHLOE: You know, when I
Googled "what are the top ten"

"things to do in San Fran," it
was going to the Fisherman's...

KRIS: Oh, yeah. Fisherman's
Wharf for the sourdough bread.

Are you kidding?
KHLOE: No. I ate the whole

(bleep) bread bowl, like, it was
honestly just horrible.

Why are you staring at me like
that?

KRIS: 'Cause you're so
pretty; Pregnancy suits you.

KHLOE: (sighs) Okay.
KRIS: It really does.

How many months are you?
KHLOE: Five next week.

But, hopefully, my belly will
just pop soon.

And when it does, Tristan and I
want to do a... Well, I don't

know if he wants to, but I want
to do a maternity sh**t.

And I want to do it with him.
But I want that to, like,

announce that I'm (bleep)
pregnant.

I am really anxious to announce
my pregnancy, but Kylie's three

months ahead of me, and I want
to give her her own time to

shine and let her do her thing.
But Kylie keeps going back and

forth about announcing, or if
she will or won't announce.

And waiting is so frustrating
because my body is changing, and

people are super invasive and
they're just not being

respectful.
Everyone's, like, trying to,

like, bump into me to feel
something.

And I just think it's so rude
and... I don't like it at all.

And nothing fits me right now
'cause I lost all my weight and

I looked good, so I wanted to
wear everything tight that

showed my body.
So I don't have, like, a lot of

loose clothes.
And I'm just, like, chubby right

now... like, it's not, like,
sticking out yet...

KRIS: You're not chubby.
KHLOE: No, but, like, you

can't really tell yet.
KRIS: Yeah.

KHLOE: So if I was out in
public, I don't want someone to

be like, "Are you pregnant, or
are you just hungry?"

KRIS: Can I ask you a question?

KHLOE: Sure.
KRIS: Why are all of your

fingernails different colors?
It's just very confusing.

Who are you today?
Are you gold and glittery?

Or are we hot pink and neon?
KHLOE: If nails confuse you,

I apologize for that.
They're a lot, but they're fun.

KRIS: They're a lot.
(Khloe mouthing)

♪ ♪

MJ: The table is so pretty,
Kris.

KRIS: Thank you.
MJ: I remember these.

REIGN: Mom!
KOURTNEY: So, you guys are

gonna sit in the kitchen.
KRIS: Who's coming?

KHLOE: Kourt. MJ: Kourtney?

Are we okay with her?
Is she not good?

KHLOE: No, we're not okay
with her right now.

MJ: No. She's a mess.
KHLOE: She's a mess.

MJ: So, what's up with you, Kim?

KIM: Nothing really.
Mm, I forgot to show you.

Okay, look, we're gonna edit,
but these are some of the sh*ts.

MJ: Of me?
KIM: Yeah. I'm gonna get them

printed up, but we-we're doing
the days of Christmas.

MJ: Aw.
The days of Christmas.

KIM: We're doing days.
MJ: Really?

I've never heard of that one.
KIM: So, they're gonna be all

different sh*ts.
MJ: That is really cool.

KHLOE: Are you okay? MJ: Cute!

KIM: But let me get the real,
like, ones e-mailed, and I'll

text it to you.
MJ: I would love it.

KRIS: Does anybody else feel
nauseous?

MJ: No. Are you pregnant?
(laughs)

KHLOE: You never know.
MJ: What's wrong with her?

KHLOE: Are you okay?
KRIS: Mm-hmm.

KIM: Well, don't lay in the
plate.

MJ: Don't you think that's a
little odd?

KOURTNEY: What if there was
soup there?

KIM: I don't know what's
going on with my mom.

Usually when she's drunk, she
just gets, like, you know,

happy, and she's laughing, and
she's just really carefree.

But tonight, like, she just had
one drink, and she's just, like,

out of it.
KRIS: You guys, I just can't

even concentrate on this
conversation.

MJ: Why don't you have a Gas-x?

KHLOE: Gas-x.
MJ: No, they really make your

tummy feel better.
KRIS: Mom, I just don't feel

good, I don't need a Gas-x.
MJ: Okay. You said your

stomach hurt.
KOURTNEY: Maybe you're being

drugged. ]] KRIS: What?

God, I hope not.
Oh, my God. All right, guys.

I love you.
KHLOE: Wait, you're leaving

the dinner that you put
together?

KRIS: Yeah, I just need to go
to bed, just don't feel well.

MJ: Where is she going? ♪ ♪

KHLOE: Kendall, are you done
with your sushi?

KENDALL: Yeah.
KIM: Wait, did I get sushi?

KENDALL: It's right behind
your computer.

KIM: Oh.
KENDALL: It's not good today.

I'm just pre-warning you.
KHLOE: That looks...

I can't sit here. Ugh.
Oh, and there's...

It's over there, too.
KENDALL: Ugh, 'cause I know

what you're tasting right now.
KHLOE: It just smells like

diarrhea.
KIM: It smells like a what?

You guys are grossing me out, so
I can't really finish it.

KRIS: Hi. Hello. KENDALL: Hey.

KHLOE: How are you feeling?
KRIS: Feel okay, just got

really nauseous.
KHLOE: Can I throw this away,

or do you want this somewhere
else?

Kimberly, hurry up.
KIM: No, I'm done.

KRIS: So do you guys want to
help me plan Christmas?

KHLOE: Yeah, what do you need?

KRIS: Uh, well, our
invitations are going out

tomorrow.
KHLOE: What's happening the

next day for Christmas morning?
'Cause I'll be here for that.

KIM: Oh, yeah, Kourtney's
supposed to be here and...

KENDALL: Whose house are we
doing it at? Kourtney's?

KRIS: Kourtney's.
KHLOE: Did Kourtney go to.

Thanksgiving with you guys?
KRIS: Yeah.

KHLOE: She did, right?
You know she tried to not go.

KENDALL: Why?
KIM: She was just, like...

KRIS: She was trying to go
out of town.

KHLOE: She was like, "I don't
really eat that kind of food."

It's about hanging out with your
family.

KENDALL: Yeah, it's not about
eating food.

KHLOE: Right. So don't eat.
Be on your diet all you want.

KENDALL: What a weirdo.
KHLOE: She's a weirdo these

days. ]] KIM: No, major.

KHLOE: Major.
KIM: We really haven't

resolved anything with Kourtney
since the therapy session.

We have so much more to really
hash out, and it just hasn't

happened yet, so we've just all
been kind of walking on

eggshells around each other.
KHLOE: Uh-oh.

KIM: Speaking of the devil.
KHLOE: So, question.

Let's-let's get back to the
conversation.

What is the deal for Christmas
morning, it's still on?

'Cause I know you were having
doubts about Thanksgiving.

KOURTNEY: No, it's on.
KHLOE: Okay.

KOURTNEY: Do you want to hang
out with me, is the question.

KHLOE: What are you guys
wearing for Christmas Eve?

KENDALL: I don't know yet.
KRIS: I am wearing a long,

black Roberto Cavalli dress.
KOURTNEY: I think I want to

be slightly festive,
maybe Gucci.

KENDALL: Yeah, that's cute.
KOURTNEY: 'Cause the kids are

all wearing Gucci, so we could
all be kind of festive,

glittery...
KIM: I have a question, this

is really...
KHLOE: Is Scott invited?

KOURTNEY: I don't know.
KHLOE: You don't know if.

Scott's invited?
KRIS: You can't just have him

come to a party for ten years as
part of our family...

He's still part of our family.
KENDALL: What about my dad?

KIM: Scott has never done
anything mean or said anything

negative, so that's different.
KENDALL: Is that actually a

joke? ]] KOURTNEY: Yeah.

KENDALL: They're... they've
both done (bleep) up things in

different ways. KOURTNEY: Yeah.

KRIS: But nobody that's
coming would even know how to

respond to her because of all
the things... all the...

KENDALL: So the (bleep) what?
Why are we worried about anyone

else? It's the night...
Even if she doesn't come, it's

nice to have...
KRIS: Oh, she would come.

KENDALL: The same way that
you feel bad for Scott not being

invited, you don't feel bad for
my dad not being invited.

KRIS: Probably 'cause I have
a relationship with Scott, so

that just...
KENDALL: Oh, you didn't have

a relationship with my dad for
years?

KRIS: I have a relationship
with Scott right now.

KIM: I'm with Mom on this.
She shouldn't have to invite

anyone she doesn't want to spend
her time with.

KHLOE: I think at Mom's
house, it's whoever she wants.

KOURTNEY: But with Scott,
I can decide because it is my

situation.
This is exactly why my sisters

and I haven't been getting
along because they just don't

have my back, and they don't
take my feelings into

consideration.
And now I feel like the same

thing's happening with Kendall.
If it's not exactly what they

think, there's always, you know,
criticism and judgment, and I'm

not here to be criticized every
day.

I'm so over everyone and their
bitchiness.

KHLOE: Oh, my God.
KRIS: I just haven't felt

like myself lately.
I feel like somebody was trying

to poison me. ]] KIM: Seriously?

KOURTNEY: I just wanted to
talk about Christmas Eve.

SCOTT: Yeah, I heard through
the grapevine you're the one

person that doesn't want me to
go; That's very nice.

Everybody else was like, "Why
would you not want to be with"

your family on Christmas?"
It was just you.

♪ ♪

KIM: I hate how, when I want
to find the solo person I want

to text, I can never find them.
SCOTT: Like, in contacts?

KHLOE: Just type in the name.
KIM: Yeah, but I have to...

It's, like, comes up them with
every other person I've ever

grouped chatted with them first.
SCOTT: Wow, that's annoying.

KHLOE: Or, like, when you
erase someone's number, and it

still gives you the old one to
text.

KIM: So I'm gonna say
Kourtney didn't reply to my

text. ]] KHLOE: How does she not

respond to you when you saw...
KIM: I wrote her a

paragraph, I'm not joking you,
it was this long, in a text.

And I was like, "Kourtney,
I usually wouldn't get in your"

business, but I think it's
really wrong that you don't have.

Scott on Christmas Eve."
SCOTT: Yeah, I mean...

KHLOE: Don't put that divide
in the family.

SCOTT: Like, I don't care
that Kourtney has a boyfriend.

I have a girlfriend.
I don't give a (bleep).

KIM: You know, so invite
Younes, invite Scott.

KHLOE: Like, let's all just,
coexist.

KIM: Kourtney didn't write me
back, which is kind of expected,

just due to the current state of
our relationship right now.

But I had to say my piece
because, you know, my parents

were able to figure it out.
My dad was at my mom's Christmas.

Eve parties.
We always remember that and

always thought it was so cool
that everyone was getting along,

so I just want the same thing
for them.

SCOTT: It's weird, too,
'cause, like, I feel like we

should be in, like, a really
good place, if anything.

Which we kind of are, but then
it's just, like, awkward when we

see each other, but when, like,
things were horrible, it was,

like, not weird to see each
other.

I know way too much (bleep).
I could do a tell-all.

KHLOE: Of course you could.
KIM: They would love that out

there.
SCOTT: Should we all split

it? ]] KIM (laughing): Yeah.

What if you did this scandalous
book and we really all just

split it. ♪ ♪

Tonight, my favorite kids' Web
site is doing this charity toy

drive at the Ladurée at
The Grove.

So I invited Khloe to come with
me 'cause she's gonna be a mom,

and I wanted her to meet all of
these chic moms that have the

best advice.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Hold it.

Perfect! Thank you.
KIM: You have one, right?

So two, I'm warning you, is
wild.

Oh, thank you.
WAITER: We have restrooms

downstairs. ]] KIM: Yeah. Okay.

Khloe just text me, and she told
me she's totally bailing on me.

So, I'm so annoyed.
Khloe was supposed to come.

I feel like she's missing all
these, like, fun things...

WOMAN: Oh, my God, she
would've had so much fun

tonight. ]] KIM: I know, right?

WOMAN: She should've came.
She's got to get out.

KIM: Plus it's not really
like her 'cause she's so

reliable, so I'm so confused.
(glass clinking)

WOMAN: Hi, everyone.
I just wanted to say thank you

all for being here.
This is our first partnership

with the Los Angeles Children's
Hospital.

All the toys will go to children
which are, um, under treatment.

I'm super excited to work with
them.

Thank you guys very much for
supporting us.

KIM: Thank you. (Applause)

♪ ♪

KHLOE: Hello, darling.
KRIS: Hi, guys.

KHLOE: You okay?
KRIS: Yeah, I'm all right.

KHLOE: These are the softest
sheets.

KIM: Oh, they're from, um,
Pacific Design Center.

KHLOE: It's a cozy bed.
KIM: It is?

KHLOE: Is that why you
really just want to be in here?

KRIS: No. I just haven't felt
like myself lately.

After the other night, I decided
to call my doctor, because I

really want to get to the bottom
of what's going on.

Every once in a while I get kind
of dizzy and kind of out of

sorts. ALIABADI: We just did a

mammogram, MRI, so what if we
repeat your blood tests again?

KRIS: Okay, I'm gonna put it
on my calendar.

So I went for a complete
physical, and now I'm just

waiting for the results.
KHLOE: But you don't know why

that's happening? ]] KRIS: No.

I haven't even taken an aspirin
lately.

I take a hormone.
That's about it, you know?

KHLOE: You didn't drink
before we got there?

KRIS: No.
KHLOE: Huh. I don't know.

KRIS: If I didn't know
better, I feel like Kourtney's

right.
Somebody was trying to poison

me.

KIM: Seriously? KRIS: Possibly.

I mean, is it possible?
I ate food that somebody else

prepared. ]] KHLOE: Mom.

No one's poisoning you with,
like, arson.

KRIS: I just can't feel like
that after having one drink.

I would swear that somebody put
something in that drink.

KHLOE: Well, we were home, so
who would've drugged you?

Kourtney. ]] KIM: Yeah.

KRIS: You guys. (Kim laughs)

I mean, I really appreciate you
guys being so concerned.

I really do.
KHLOE: You're our mom.

Of course.
KIM: You know what I really

want to research?
And I'm not saying any of us in

this room have it.
Old person smell.

Like, every old person smells a
certain way.

I want to know what that is and
how do we not get it.

♪ ♪

KOURTNEY: Oh, I need a
Stranger Things

hat.
Are you going to that breakfast

tomorrow?
KENDALL: Yeah, are you?

KOURTNEY: I don't know.
What do you think?

KENDALL: It's, like, for a
good thing.

I feel like I don't know why
everyone's being like, "I don't"

"know." ]] KOURTNEY: Why?

Kim's considering not going?
KENDALL: She was like, "I

don't have a hair stylist."
And I was like, "You can share

mine."
KOURTNEY: So are you sharing?

KENDALL: I don't know.
I don't know what she decided.

She's like, "What time are you
doing it?"

I said : .
And then she never responded.

So I don't know. KOURTNEY: Well.

I would maybe even consider
going more if she wasn't there.

KENDALL: You want to go more
if she wasn't there?

KOURTNEY: Maybe.
She was bothering me today.

KENDALL: Oh.
She bothers me all the time.

KOURTNEY: Yeah, she's just so
bitchy and entitled.

We had, like, the craziest
fights lately.

She's like, "You don't know what
it's like to have a busy"

schedule.
You have nothing to do."

Like, just, like, going crazy,
then she's like, "You're the"

"least interesting one to look
at," I mean...

KENDALL: That's a horrible
thing to say.

KOURTNEY: Horrible.
And, like, really?

Have you (bleep) looked on the
Internet?

Do you see what people say about
me compared to you?

(Kendall laughs)
Like, you have cellulite

covering your ass.
Like, I would've had a million

things to say back.
KENDALL: Mm-hmm.

KOURTNEY: But I just don't
have it in me anymore.

KENDALL: Yeah.
KOURTNEY: Since I've been

going to therapy, it's just,
like, not who I want to be.

KENDALL: Yeah.
KOURTNEY: But then me and.

Khloe had one, too.
KENDALL: No, but I feel like

she's also, like, um, really
crazy right now.

KOURTNEY: That's what I said.
KENDALL: For reasons... for

g-good reason, but she is.
KOURTNEY: She says everybody

tells her that she's the nicest
she's ever been.

KENDALL: No, I think it's the
opposite.

KOURTNEY: Kendall, where have
you been?

Why are you not around for me to
talk to?

I feel like Kim and Khloe, they
don't have my back with things.

Like Kim, just out of the blue,
sends me these, like, text

messages, telling me that she
thinks that I need to invite.

Scott.
KENDALL: It should be Younes

going to the party and Scott
coming to Christmas morning.

KOURTNEY: Yeah.
KENDALL: Like, that's how it

should be.
KOURTNEY: But, like, why is.

Scott coming to the party more
important than my feelings?

KENDALL: Mm.
That conversation made me so mad

the other night.
KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.

It's just because they're
friends with him, so they think

that they can tell me...
KENDALL: Yeah, but you were

in a relationship with him, and
you have your reasoning for not

wanting him to be there, and so
does Mom.

But it just blew my mind that no
one understood the comparison

of, like, my dad.
KOURTNEY: Yeah.

KENDALL: How that's not similar.

Do you see what I'm saying?
KOURTNEY: And I just said,

like, I can figure out my
situation.

Like, um, I was thinking of
taking the kids away for.

Christmas, possibly this year
instead.

KENDALL: Going away?
Why would you go away?

I wouldn't go away.
KOURTNEY: I've been thinking

that if my sisters are just so
inconsiderate about how I'm

feeling that maybe I should just
remove myself from the situation

altogether. Anyways.

KIM: We have to (bleep) with
Mom.

(line ringing) ]] KRIS: Hello?

KIM: Hi, Mom.
So, we-we figured the whole

thing out.
Kourtney has been the one

poisoning you. ]] KRIS: Stop.

Why would she do that?
(Kim laughs)

KHLOE: Congratulations.
It's the holidays.

KIM: We should TP Mom's home.
Oh, (bleep), I see her.

She's coming! Khloe!

KRIS: What the (bleep)?
KENDALL: Kourt is my best

friend right now.
KIM: I question your

humanity.
KENDALL: She told me she's

going out of town with the kids
for the holidays.

KHLOE: What? ]] KIM: What?

KHLOE: Yeah, but that's not
okay.

Every time we talk about her I
get more upset.

KIM: She drives me so crazy,
I just don't even know what to

do.

♪ ♪

KHLOE: Can you make sure that
we have, like, enough cleaning

supplies, that I, like...
KIM: Hey, what are you doing?

KHLOE: Just telling Alexa,
like, a list of stuff I need for

the weekend. ]] KIM: For what?

KHLOE: Like food, or, like, I
just... like just...

I'm not going, like, ever, to a
grocery store.

KIM: You're hibernating all
weekend?

And she's getting you...
KHLOE: I do every weekend.

That's just what I have to do.
I am not leaving the premises.

KIM: That's ridiculous.
KHLOE: Let me check what I

need in the pantry.
I just feel like, once I have,

like, a cute bump, I don't mind
showing that off, but right now

I haven't announced I'm pregnant
yet.

KIM: Okay.
KHLOE: And I'm kind of

waiting for Kylie to figure out
what she's gonna do.

So until then, I just can't
leave the house.

I can't handle how uncomfortable
I feel in my own skin right now,

and just everyone's nosiness.
If you can stay indoors as long

as possible, do it.
KIM: This totally explains

why Khloe didn't come out the
other night, and I understand

her reasoning.
But, you know, I'm just

concerned.
I don't want her to be, like,

insecure and be this hermit at
home.

You literally haven't left in,
like, weeks.

You've got to get out.
KHLOE: No, I don't.

KIM: Yeah, you do.
KHLOE: No, I don't.

KIM: Yeah, you do.
I was forced to go out.

It wasn't an option.
This I'll never forgive myself.

I have a roll in my neck.
My ankles, none of my shoes

would fit.
Look at the Havaianas are even

struggling. ♪ ♪

KRIS: I think I lost the belt
to my Tom Ford jacket that Kim

gave me. ]] KOURTNEY: Yeah?

KRIS: You know that, like,
Prada...

KOURTNEY: Yeah. KRIS: Fabric.

It's like that fabric.
If you guys find a random belt

anywhere, it could've been...
KOURTNEY: It probably ended

up in the trash, to be honest.
KRIS: I know, that's what

makes me really sad. Kourt.

I'm gonna show you what I
learned about water testing.

KOURTNEY: But why are you
doing this?

KRIS: I just don't feel well,
and I don't know if there's

something wrong with my drinking
water.

Since I'm a little anxious about
the test results, I really want

to try to get to the bottom of
it, and I think it could be in

the water...
KIM: That is, like, reaching,

but okay.
KRIS: So I brought my water,

and I'm gonna put your water in
here.

KIM: I know you're extra a
lot of the time, but this is,

like, above and beyond extra.
KRIS: And then I'm gonna do

five drops.
One, two, three, four, five.

Five, my water.
KOURTNEY: Okay, then what?

KRIS: Swirl, swirl.
Swirl, swirl.

And over here on the right, it's
gonna give me a read.

Hmm. So this color is . , and
your color is . .

KOURTNEY: What does it mean?
KRIS: Well, exactly, "what"

"does it mean" is the question.
Ideal is where?

KOURTNEY: . . So yours is . .

KRIS: Huh.
They're slightly different in

coloration, but within drinking
limits, so we can rule out the

water and... (chuckles)
back to the drawing board.

Well, if somebody's poisoning
me, I'm going to get to the

bottom of it.
KOURTNEY: Well, at least you

look good. ]] KRIS: (slurps)

My work here is done. ♪ ♪

KIM: Oh, my God, we have to
(bleep) with Mom.

(line ringing) ]] KRIS: Hello?

KIM: Hi, Mom. KYLIE: Hi, Mom.

KRIS: Hi, honey.
KIM: It's me and Kylie.

And so we are just, we came...
we-we figured the whole thing

out.
KRIS: What'd you figure out?

KIM: That Kourtney has been
the one poisoning you this whole

time. ]] KRIS: Stop.

KIM: Yeah. ]] KRIS: No way.

I just was with her.
Why would she do that?

KIM: Just because she's, you
know, has been trying these new

all gluten-free...
organic drops, and we, and we

think that she's been adding
these things to our food.

KRIS: Stop! She's insane.

Well, you knew she made me
throw away all of my Tupperware.

She must be doing it to us to
reverse the...

(Kim laughs) What? Hello?

(laughter)
KIM: Wait, I cannot ruin my

makeup. ♪ ♪

KHLOE: So, I have a missed
call from Kourt, and I call her

back.
And she's like, "This isn't to"

criticize you or anything like
that."

I'm like, anyone who starts a
conversation like that, okay.

And then she was like, "Me and
Kendall were talking about you."

She goes, "You're really scared
about how your life is gonna"

"turn out." ]] KIM: What a freak.

KHLOE: She thinks I'm scared,
and that's why I'm acting out,

'cause I don't want to let my
old life go. What?

KIM: She's so off.
KHLOE: I just was blown away

by her. Now she's just absurd.

KIM: Absurd. KHLOE: Absurd.

KIM: Absurd.
KHLOE: And 'cause she...

Kourtney was like, "Kendall
agrees with me."

KIM: No one understands us
like us.

KHLOE: What are we gonna do?
'Cause it's hard for me to...

like, even be around her at this
point.

KIM: We should just call
Kendall 'cause, like, I just

don't get why she's such a
freak.

(phone ringing)
KHLOE: Hey, how much (bleep)

were you talking about me on a
scale from one to ten?

KENDALL: Um, we weren't
talking that much (bleep).

KIM: The fact that you even
hang out with Kourtney, you're

such a (bleep) freak.
KENDALL: What?

KIM: I'm just kidding.
KENDALL: Why?

Kourt is my best friend right
now.

KHLOE: Kim is my best friend
right now. So...

KIM: I question your morals.
KENDALL: Why?

KIM: I question your humanity.

KENDALL: She told me she's
going out of town with the kids

for the holidays. KHLOE: What?

KIM: What?
KENDALL: I thought that was

weird, but I tried to convince
her out of it a little bit.

KIM: Like, that is just the
wildest thing.

KHLOE: It's not okay.
KENDALL: No. Well, I think

she'll end up coming...
KIM: But do you think it's

like a cry for help?
Like-like a cry for attention?

Is she the new Rob?
KENDALL: Yeah, that is

possible.
KHLOE: It makes me sad if

she's not coming.
'Cause I'm just gonna miss the

kids and just the tradition of
it all.

I just think, given everything
that's gone on, the last thing

we need is separation like this.
And for Kourtney to say she

doesn't think she's gonna spend
Christmas with us, it's just so

excessive.
It's, like, ridiculous at this

point.
The divide is gonna get worse

and worse the more time that we
just ignore what's really going

on.
Every time we talk about her I

get more upset.
KIM: She drives me so crazy.

I just don't even know what to
do.

KHLOE: You and me both.

KIM: Wake up! Let's go!
Just because Khloe isn't letting

anyone know that she's pregnant
yet doesn't mean she can't have

any fun. Watch this. (Laughs)

She's coming! Khloe!
KHLOE: Hurry. Hide!

KRIS: What happened?
KIM: Ew, it smells like

someone (bleep) in here.
KRIS: Hello!

KOURTNEY: Why?
KENDALL: You have to spend.

Christmas with us.
KOURTNEY: The, like, meanness

and stuff, it's not, it's not
worth it.

KENDALL: You can't leave me
alone.

♪ ♪
KIM: Gabbana, where's Khloe?

Khlo? ]] KHLOE: Hello.

KIM: I brought you some jolly
old candy canes.

KHLOE: What?
KIM: So we can go on a

joyride and we can throw candy
canes on people's doorsteps like

the newspaper boy.
Wake up! Let's go!

Just because Khloe isn't letting
anyone know that she's pregnant

yet doesn't mean that she just
has to sit in her house and not

have any fun.
This is such an amazing time in

her life right now that I don't
want her to be not really

enjoying it.
Come on, it's time to do

something fun.
You're sitting here.

You can't sleep anyway.
No one's out. It's dark.

Her and I are really vibing
right now a lot, so...

I want to be there for her to
pick her up and do exactly what

she would do for me.
Do you want to start throwing

the candy canes out here?
KHLOE: Congratulations!

It's the holidays!
Merry Christmas.

KIM: Ho, ho, ho.
KHLOE: Oh, (bleep)

I just want a piece of pizza and
a Coca-Cola. (Laughs)

Whenever Kim and I are together,
we just love to eat.

Ooh, looks good.
KIM: It does, actually.

KHLOE: We are, like, living
large.

Large Marge sent ya.
Kourt just isn't foodies like

us.
For Kim to come in and just let

me enjoy life by the darkness of
night, I mean, I love her for

that.
KIM: You know what we should

do, we should TP Mom's home.
KHLOE: For what?

KIM: For TP'ing my home.
KHLOE: Like, five years ago?

KIM: Like six. (Khloe laughs)

When I was pregnant with North,
my mom toilet papered my house.

I was... I was livid.
KRIS: Throw me the toilet

paper. This is like an art form.

(Jonathan gasps)
KIM: I am so pissed.

JONATHAN: You're gonna be
even more pissed.

KRIS: Let's go. Let's go.
KIM: My mom is discussing her

holiday decorations with Jeff
Leatham.

She's totally preoccupied.
I've been waiting years to get

her back. The time has come.

(bleep) it's freezing.
We got to do this fast.

Khloe, how the (bleep) do you do
this?

Oh, (bleep).
KHLOE: She's right there.

KIM: (bleep) I see her.
Like, if she sees us right here,

we're so (bleep).
Khloe, we have to get this tree.

Get some tinsel.
You guys, it's right in her

view.
All right, let's not waste any

more toilet paper.
KHLOE: What, you want to wipe

your ass? ]] KIM: Watch this.

CREW MEMBER: She's coming.
KIM: She's coming! Khloe!

(Kim and Khloe laughing)

Let's go in here.
KRIS: What the (bleep) is

going on? ]] KHLOE: Hurry. Hide!

KRIS: What happened?
KIM: Ew, it smells like

someone (bleep) in here.
KRIS: Hello!

KIM: I have to pee so bad but
it smells like (bleep) in here.

Don't.
KRIS: Where did everybody go?

What's going on? So sneaky.

Hello! KIM: Okay, I'm gonna pee.

KRIS: Matthew! I need a
flashlight.

(toilet flushes)
KHLOE: I think she's

probably at the front door.
KIM: (screams)

That's Matthew. Matthew.
MATTHEW: She's at the front

door. ]] KIM: (bleep) she's...

KHLOE: Just say we got here.
KRIS: I smell...

KIM: Hey! ]] KHLOE: Hey!

KRIS: What are you guys doing?

My entire backyard is toilet
papered.

KIM: What are you talking about?

KRIS: Where'd this come from?
KIM: Ask Jeff. We just got...

KRIS: Jeff?
KHLOE: It was Jeff's team.

KRIS: Jeff, they're blaming
it on you.

KIM: It's a whole new style.
JEFF: Huh?

KIM: He has a whole new
style of decorating.

JEFF: Right?
KHLOE: Stepping it up

right now.
Oh, my God, that was awesome.

I'm so thankful that Kim got me
out of the house.

She took me on this excursion.
We had so much fun.

Why wouldn't Kourtney want to be
around us for Christmas?

Like, we're so fun.
When we saw you guys at the bar,

we were like, "Why are they at
the (bleep) bar?"

KRIS: Like, we're watching
things flying around, I'm like,

that wind.
We thought it was the wind.

That is so funny.
Oh, my God, show Kim and Khloe.

Our new ornament, just for you.
KHLOE: Oh, (bleep).

Is it a piece of (bleep)?
JEFF: No, it's-it's (bleep)

money. ]] KIM: That is so funny.

KHLOE: That's more for Kim
than for me.

KRIS: Merry Christmas! ♪ ♪

KOURTNEY: My sisters and I
are usually doing everything

together at the holiday time.
And because we're not getting

along, I decide to make my own
traditions.

So Kendall and I are taking the
kids ice-skating at The Lakes at.

Thousand Oaks.
I'm trying to get into the good

old holiday spirit.
WOMAN: Okay, let's go.

We're gonna take Reign now.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

KENDALL: Oh, my God, I'm dead.

He is so (bleep) cute!
KOURTNEY: Wait, I don't think

I know how to skate.
KENDALL: Ah! You good?

You good? Whoo!

KOURTNEY: Cassie's gonna take
a photo of us... (screams)

WOMAN: Look at Travis go.
Go, Travis!

KENDALL: So, you're spending
Christmas with us, that's great.

KOURTNEY: What? Why?
KENDALL: I'm saying you have

to spend Christmas with us.
KOURTNEY: I don't want to do

it separately, and I want my
kids to have that experience.

I just don't know if we're gonna
get along if we're all in the

same place.
And, like, them... the, like,

meanness and stuff, it's not,
it's not worth it.

I just want a different vibe.
KENDALL: You can't leave me

alone.
KRIS: I am so excited to have

you guys all here tonight.
It's such a blessing.

KHLOE: It's a Christmas Eve
party.

KIM: Merry, merry.
(Kris whooping)

KOURTNEY: The, like, meanness
and stuff, it's not worth it.

I just want a different vibe.
KENDALL: You can't leave me

alone.
KOURTNEY: But you're the only

one I like.
KENDALL: Okay, so me and you

can hang out.
And then we'll go home together

and we'll set up all the
presents like we usually do.

KOURTNEY: Yeah.
KENDALL: That's, like,

tradition.
Our sister fights will all pass.

I think everyone's hormonal.
KOURTNEY: Kim isn't even

pregnant, but she'll use that as
an excuse.

KENDALL: Um, I think that you
guys should make up and not

worry about it, because it is
the holiday season.

We can't do this separately.
And, like, the kids.

KOURTNEY: Kendall is right.
I feel like something's missing

with my sisters and I not
getting along.

I've never missed one Christmas
morning or one Christmas Eve

party, so I just don't want to
miss that, and especially for my

kids.
I want them to be with their

cousins and, you know, with
their aunts and grandma.

I just think it's important to
all be together.

PENELOPE: I want you to
ice-skate with me.

KENDALL: I'm going home, P.
I'm sorry, I took my skates off.

KOURTNEY: She already changed.

PENELOPE: Oh. KENDALL: Bye, P.

♪ ♪

KRIS: Matt, can you check on
the swing set people to make

sure they're not having it too
close to here.

Needs to be kind of back and
over as much as possible.

MATTHEW: Okay.
SCOTT: So, what's been going

on? KRIS: Just trying to keep up

with everything.
I was just gonna look on the

footage.
I had cameras set up just to

kind of monitor what was going
on, and if anybody was messing

with my food, or...
SCOTT: Why would anybody be

messing with your food?
KRIS: I don't know.

SCOTT: Wow. A lot of paranoia.

KRIS: I know I sound crazy.
And I probably watched way too

episodes.
But after talking to Kylie and.

Kim, I decided to set up a
surveillance camera so that I

could see what was going on
because I have so much foot

traffic in my house.
KIM: So put this one just,

like, there.
KRIS: Oh, that's perfect.

Right there.
I actually feel a little crazy

checking the footage, but I need
answers.

I need to find out if somebody
is trying to sabotage me.

Look. Look at this camera I had
set up.

So, this is just, like,
continual footage of the

kitchen.
SCOTT: It's very exciting.

KRIS: I have to just cover
all my bases.

SCOTT: Uh-oh. KRIS: Who's that?

SCOTT: That's it.
That's the bomber.

KRIS: Who was that?
SCOTT: That's her. Whoever

that is, she's going down.
KRIS: Who is that?

SCOTT: She's scary as hell.
KRIS: A lot of hair.

And she's working with food.
Oh, they're wrapping glasses.

SCOTT: Oh.
KRIS: Oh, that's one of.

Kylie's assistants. SCOTT: Oh.

KRIS: Never mind.
SCOTT: Okay, so I guess we

shouldn't k*ll her.
KRIS: Okay, she's clear.

Who's that? He's got a box.

Now he's under the sink.
SCOTT: Maybe you're on to

something.
KRIS: Who was that guy?

Wait a minute.
SCOTT: At first I was

skeptical. Ooh.
KRIS: Here's that guy.

There's the guy.
SCOTT: Oh, but he's wearing

things over his feet.
Maybe he's working there.

KRIS: Now he's turning on the
water.

SCOTT: He's a plumber.
KRIS: What kind of plumber

looks like this?
He's got a Rolex on.

Look at him. He's got, like, a
stylish haircut, dressed in

black. This is very suspicious.

SCOTT: He's probably like
an ex Yves Saint Laurent model.

KRIS: He's got a very
smoothly trimmed beard.

This could be your brother.
SCOTT: That guy is working

here! KRIS: All right, well...

Nothing there.
SCOTT: He's probably laying

pipe all day.
I'm sure for an extra couple

bucks, he'll lay the pipe on you
if that's what you're looking

for.
I mean, that's kind of what it

sounds like.
It's all I'm hearing.

♪ ♪

KIM: So you know Khloe is
waiting for you to announce,

since you got pregnant first.
KYLIE: I don't think I'm ever

going to announce.
KIM: Really? Okay, let's call

her. (Line ringing)

KHLOE: Hello? ]] KIM: Hey.

KHLOE: Hi.
KYLIE: I don't think I'm ever

going to announce that I'm
pregnant.

So you should just...
KHLOE: Ever?

KYLIE: Never.
I just don't want to be in the

spotlight.
I'm just gonna be low-key.

KHLOE: Oh, okay. Okay.
KYLIE: So I think that, so I

think that you... should go
ahead.

KIM: You should just do what
you want to do.

KYLIE: Yeah. You don't have
to wait for me.

You should announce.
It's exciting.

KHLOE: I knew it was exciting
for you, too.

I was just trying to, you know,
be nice about it.

But hey, if the moment's all
mine, I'll go ahead and take it.

KYLIE: The moment... take
that moment.

KHLOE: Word. ]] KIM: Okay.

KHLOE: Love you guys.
KYLIE: Love you.

KIM: Bye. ♪ ♪

SCOTT: Hello! KOURTNEY: Hey.

SCOTT: What's up, bro?
KOURTNEY: Bro? Or did you say

"brah"? SCOTT: What's up, brah?

KOURTNEY: Um...
SCOTT: Why did you need to,

like, talk to me in person about
this?

I feel like that's so not you.
KOURTNEY: Because I feel like

to get through to you, we might
have to talk in person.

SCOTT: To get through to me?
KOURTNEY: I just wanted to

talk about Christmas Eve and...
SCOTT: Yeah, I heard through

the grapevine you're the one
person that doesn't want me to

go; That's very nice.
KOURTNEY: Um...

SCOTT: Everybody else is
like, "Why would you not want to"

be with your family on Christmas
and your kids?"

And it was just you.
KOURTNEY: Well, our lives

are changing.
And, like, if my boyfriend is

going to the party, if you're
there, I just don't want any

disrespect.

KOURTNEY: Our lives are
changing.

And, like, if my boyfriend is
going to the party, if you're

there... I just don't want any
disrespect.

Look, I've been feeling super
anxious because I haven't been

able to, like, wrap my head
around and make this all make

sense.
But I feel like, it's, like, the

kids' memories, and I don't want
them to have their memories of.

Christmas, you know, without
their dad there.

I think the best that I can do
is invite both of you and, like,

whoever feels comfortable coming
can come.

SCOTT: Seems mature.
KOURTNEY: And if you want to

be there and you're able to be
respectful, you know, then I

would love for you to come.
SCOTT: Fantastic.

I can understand Kourtney having
some reservations, I guess,

about her new boyfriend and
myself being in the same room

together.
And, you know, I think maybe a

while back there would've been
some tension, but at this point,

I think everybody's moved on.
I mean, at the end of the day,

this has always been a
tradition and I'm just happy

that we can all be mature enough
to all celebrate together

because I would hate to have to
miss out on a memory like this

with my three kids.
We always said we were happy to

be on the same page and always
said, even if we weren't

together, we would do things,
like the holidays, together for

the kids. ]] KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.

SCOTT: And thank God we still
are able to be in the same room

and are comfortable with each
other.

Like, that's the only reason
I'm happy in life, that we're

able to have what we have.
KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.

SCOTT: That's probably the
biggest blessing I've had, like,

other than having my kids with
you.

KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.
SCOTT: I mean, thank God

we're able to be fine and happy.
♪ ♪

KHLOE: This is an insane
amount of hair.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Tilt your head
and hold your baby bump.

KHLOE: Tristan and I have
officially announced that I'm

pregnant.
After talking to my sisters, I

realized, what am I waiting for?
Tristan and I, we just took a

picture.
We had Simon take a picture of

my tummy, and it's finally real.
Like, I'm really pregnant.

PRODUCER: Ready, guys?

KHLOE: It feels great that
I'm now able to talk about it.

ELLEN: So, congratulations.
KHLOE: Thank you.

ELLEN: You announced you're
pregnant, you're having a baby.

KHLOE: A baby.
(audience cheering)

Thank you.
I'm pregnant, not just fat, so

people realize, if I don't feel
well or tired or whatever.

ELLEN: Mm-hmm.
KHLOE: I will say, the

reaction has been % over the
moon, and I couldn't be more

thankful and it just makes me
even that much more excited.

Now I'm like, okay, can we speed
this up?

Now I just want the baby.
ELLEN: It seems like you were

giving clues, though, because
you put something on Snapchat

and you said Daddy to... about
Tristan.

So, I mean, that would be a
hint.

KHLOE: (laughs) Well, Daddy
is like "Daddy." Like...

ELLEN: Yeah. ♪ ♪

KOURTNEY: Mom. ]] KRIS: Hey.

KOURTNEY: What are you doing
here?

KRIS: Can I show you something?

KOURTNEY: What?
KRIS: So, I finally figured

out that my whole problem that
I've been feeling, I'm not being

poisoned at all.
I got to the bottom of the

problem and it's definitely
hormones.

I just got a call from the
doctor with my results and all

it is is that I changed the
dosage on my medicine.

Who knew that would make such a
huge difference in the way that

I'm feeling?
I'm just so happy that nobody's

trying to drug me.
So, I was going over this

footage, trying to find whoever
was messing around in my

refrigerator and the only thing
I found was a thief.

Looks a lot like Kourtney
Kardashian.

Look what she has on her back.
Looks like one of my handbags

might be in your hand.
KOURTNEY: That doesn't even

look like me.
My body is way more banging than

that. KRIS: Here's what I think.

I think we could go right here
and go into this other angle.

KOURTNEY: Okay.
KRIS: From really close up.

Oh, look who...
KOURTNEY: Oh, there's my

banging body.
KRIS: What about you carrying

all my handbags?
KOURTNEY: What's the point of

having a mom with an amazing
closet of bags...

KRIS: Yeah.
KOURTNEY: If not to share

with your six daughters?
At least your firstborn.

KRIS: You know what?
I am all about sharing, but did

you leave a note?
KOURTNEY: No, but look how

talented I am.
I can carry four bags at once in

one hand, and a cupcake and a
water in the other.

KRIS: And they said you had
no talent.

Now the $ million question is,
what else did you take?

KOURTNEY: What you don't know
can't hurt you.

♪ ♪

KRIS: Hey, guys.
I am so excited to have you guys

all here tonight.
It's such a blessing and I mean

a blessing.
Every year we start planning

this party around July and we
get so excited to have you guys

all here tonight.
There's nothing that means more

to me than Christmas.
This is the most, I mean,

amazing memory that I have and
I hope you guys all have a good

time. (All cheering, whooping)

KHLOE: It's a Christmas Eve
party.

♪ ♪

RYAN: Hi!
RANDY: Yo, yo, happy merry,

y'all! ♪ ♪

(Kris whooping) ♪ ♪

KIM: Merry, merry.
KOURTNEY: The party is so

much fun.
I am so happy I decided to come

and that both Scott and Younes
came.

Not sharing in this experience
with my whole family, with my

kids, it just... it wouldn't
feel right.

KIM: Merry Christmas!
SCOTT: Happy holidays!

KOURTNEY: Merry Christmas!
KIM: Merry Christmas!

P, say Merry Christmas!
KOURTNEY: And my mom even

told Kendall that Cait could
come to the Christmas party,

even though she didn't, but it
was nice that everyone is

included.
KIM: I know what you guys all

really want to see. ♪ ♪

KHLOE: Ah, Christmas Eve!
It's just nice and normal and I

feel like 'cause Kourtney
stayed, we're all in a better

path and we got to spend the
holidays together.

And that you can't be mad on the
holidays.

KENDALL: Merry Christmas!
Our Christmas traditions are my

favorite.
It makes Christmas so special

for us. I love you.

KIM: Hey, Santa.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho.

(Kim laughs)
Oh, look at how special you...

look at that.
I see all of us. Ho, ho!

KIM: On the next episode...
What's wrong?

KOURTNEY: Nothing. I can't talk.

KHLOE: Are you fighting with
Scott?

SCOTT: There's not a human
being that you know that won't

go with what exactly I just
said.

But you're out of your mind if
you think I'm wrong.

Family Feud.

KIM: I got to jump ship, though.

KRIS: Oh, no, no, no, no.
KHLOE: I am so over both you

two.
It's such a cluster (bleep).

KRIS: Can't Jonathan be on
your team?

KANYE: No, we got enough people.

KHLOE: There's real family
feuds going on backstage at.

Family Feud.