02x04 - Kristian's Therapist

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- What's up?

My weimaraners are getting
their boosters from Lara

then I'm meeting Liam at the Cannon.

Nice.

Okay. What to eat, what
to eat, what to eat?

Hey, matching.

Oh, fun.

You can totally keep
eating mine if you want.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry, I'm all
over the place today.

No, no, we're just such a power couple.

Ugh...

I was even thinking to
myself, "did I make this

when I was half asleep?
Why is this salad so off?"

But they look almost identical.

No, my carrots are julienned.

But I love this note
that you wrote yourself.

"Everything you need to be, that
gworl is already inside you."

I thought it was from my
husband. What's a gworl?

It means girl, but fun.
I heard Nikki say it.

Perks of free time are endless.

Okay, I'm gonna take this to my office,

I've got a lot of emails to do.

Talk later, gworl.

That's better.

I just don't want my mom to
feel like she means less to me

than my birth mom,
she's always been there.

Bandaged my scrapes,
chaperoned my prom...

Taught me how to switch
stickers on overpriced fruit.

I haven't done it, but I know how.

You're on mute.

Oh.

Why don't we talk about
how you felt with Colleen?

It was like I was with my
hairstylist, not my birth mom.

"Plans tonight?" "Do
you trim your own bangs?"

I know that family isn't just DNA,

but she was basically a human Airbnb.

Do you know what I mean?

Deanne?

... Brings us to the end of our session.

When shall we meet next?

I'll be in touch.

Donuts in the...

oh, uh, is this a bad time?

No, no, sorry, just
a glitchy online sesh

with my Toronto therapist.

Uh, Lara made donuts. They
won't fix your feelings,

but they're pretty good.

I had three.

Oh, okay, thanks.

I know it's none of my business,
but if you want someone local,

I could refer you to my therapist.

Really?

Yeah, Michael is incredible.

He's the reason I stopped
binge drinking Singapore Slings.

Since when did you...

Like I said, he's incredible.

Thanks.

Right now,

it feels like I'm paying $
an hour to talk to myself.

Noted.

Deanne?

Crap.

Oh, is life hard waiting
to get your hair did?

I waited in minus
for sleigh bells tickets,

only to find out I
was in the wrong line.

If you talked less,
you might get more done.

And leave Jamboree hanging?

You've got three more dogs
in your non-waiting room.

Yeah, I'm just backed up.

Jared's Puppy Pedis is closed.

You're on deck, Coco. And then...

where's Talbot?

Oh, can you grab him?

Ferdinand is here for his blowout.

You blow him out!

Hey, I've got a rabbit
fight to deal with.

Sorry, I'm slammed.

I want to make a good
impression on these dirty dumbos.

Get their owners to ditch Jared.

Yeah, I've seen his
grooming, it's very ' s.

Yeah, well, it doesn't stop all
the dog moms from going to him.

You know, whenever I'm slammed,
what I do is I just breathe

and I think back to my jail
days when I had nothing to do...

okay, well, Paul, not all
of us have been to jail,

so maybe check your privilege.

You have arrived at your destination.

End trip.

You have arrived at...

End trip!

Mom, are you seriously using directions?

Yes, I was walking from Tango Teriyaki

where you were supposed
to meet me an hour ago!

Sorry, it's crazy here.

Hey!

Sit.

Stay, fella.

Your destination is on the...

Augh!

I never thought it would
come to this, but would you...

Yes!

... front me five grand?

Oh. No.

For some reason, I thought...

well, I don't know what I thought.

Whatever. Maybe brush this
guy out to make it up to me.

That I can do.

Tangles, Teriyaki on a
Tuesday? Oh, can't complain.

- Make a u-turn...
- End trip!

So, just make sure Daisy
takes it slow on stairs,

she's lost some sensitivity in
her front paws from frostbite.

And her raspy cough isn't serious.

When she was feral, she
accidentally ate some glass.

Oh my God...

She was starving. Had cataracts,
living in an old window factory.

It was the perfect storm.

Is she okay?

- Yes, she's fully recovered.
- I meant her.

It's just... you're so kind
to take in little Daisy.

Well, I need a dog for
my son. He's shy, and...

Not fitting in.

Been there.

Maybe Daisy isn't for us.

No, she is the ideal
dog for an asocial teen.

No one will ever love
your son like Daisy.

And... and if anything
comes up, health-wise,

we are happy to offer assistance.

Free of charge.

- Well, let's give it a sh*t.
- Great.

Bye, Daisy.

Bye.

Joy.

I'm sorry.

I've been doing research
for the Gran-paws program.

Watching videos of old
doggies with old people, and...

I watched a cat die in a
four-year-old's arms yesterday.

What?!

But that's the job, and personally,

I don't really want us
to promote the whole...

"Female emotional basket-case" thing.

Same.

It's like my diving coach used to say.

Winning means staying
strong on the outside

when you are hurting inside.

That had more to do with her
divorce, but it's good advice.

Strong on the outside,
hurt on the inside.

- That's the one.
- Just like Daisy.

- Just like Daisy.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, sorry.

- After you.
- Thank you.

No one's held a door for me
since I tried to grocery shop

without bags. Two
words. Apples everywhere.

Well, you sound like
a determined person.

Speaking of determined,
bicycle shorts in this weather?

Yeah, being cold makes me pedal faster.

Well, you look hot. I mean, like...

You like you warmed up.

After you.

Oh.

Um, so, what's your number?

Oh...

...

I meant, what floor are you?

Oh, no, I know. Just elevator humour.

Love to laugh in the shaft.

Seven. Floor seven.

Oh, I am really cutting it close.

My friend told me I could not
be late for this appointment.

Apparently this guy's
got a real stick up

his you-know-what for punctuality.

Well, some say being late
is a sign of disrespect.

With what he's charging,
I'm disrespecting myself.

Oh, this is me. Shannon, by the way.

Michael.

Kristian's...

Therapist? Yeah.

Nice to meet you. I
usually bike to work.

I didn't mean it when I said
you had a stick up your...

And your rates are very reasonable-ish.

Well, I did enjoy talking to you.

I did too.

But for ethical reasons,

I cannot socialize with my patients.

Well, you know, technically
I'm not a patient yet, so...

That's, uh, true.

And if you happen to know
any other good therapists.

I could definitely recommend some.

Maybe over lunch?

Pepper's owner felt bad about the
scratches so she triple tipped.

Way to go, Niknak!

And my arms will heal.

And that was the last groom.

Sounds like a page-turner, doesn't it?

"The Last Groom."

Well, thanks. You're, uh,
pretty not bad at this.

What do you say we grab
an after-work bevy, huh?

Help us unwind after a busy week?

Marko will unwind me. Don't worry.

Say no more.

Well, maybe we could
try again next week.

Except you won't be here next week.

Oh, hun, I can ghost
on my dragon boat team.

No, Jared's Puppy Pedis
got their power back up

so I won't have as many clients.

Got ya. Hashtag temp life.

Oh.

Marko-mobile is here. Gotta jet.

Okay.

Later, Mom.

Bye.

Skylar might be a good
choice for Gran-paws.

With all the missing teeth,
I figure he's a low risk.

There's also Mardi. What
gran doesn't love a cockapoo?

Oh, that's Hardy. Mardi is the poogle.

Oh my God, don't tell
her I messed that up.

Oh, I won't. She already has
such a wallflower complex.

Hey, how was your session with Michael?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I really like him.

But it went differently than I thought.

That's the Michael method.

It's thrilling, and terrifying.

So, when's the next appointment?

Um, later this week.

Michael offers bi-weekly sessions?

Actually, we're going on a date.

We kind of hit it off, and we decided

not to see each other
professionally, but...

No need to explain. I'm happy for you.

Phew. Thanks.

And I promise I'm not
being overly accommodating,

as Michael says.

Got it.

I'll follow up with this list, okay?

See you, Shannon.

Thanks for the ride.

You too, honey.

I think that's mine.

Oh, right.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's great.

Your father has clean socks,
I baked muffins this morning

and did minutes on the elliptical.

My to-do for today is almost complete.

Well, uh, hope your day
isn't too boring, or whatever.

No, it won't be.

I still have some Hope on my Doorstep.

Good for you. Honestly, at your age,

I'd just give up.

Thank you. No! It's my audiobook.

Helen, the seamstress,
just received word

that John Marlow is back from the w*r.

But he can't remember
anything except for one name.

- Let me guess, is it Helen?
- Ah-ba-ba-bah!

I was just about to find out. Hang on.

One word had stayed very
deep in John's heart,

away from the torment of w*r.

And that one, lone,
beautiful word was...

Helen.

Helen.

Helen.

Cry now so you don't cry later.

Purge the sadness.

You are a beaver.

You decide when to build a dam.

Hey, look at you two
cuties looking all cute.

Not buying it.

Fine. Can you guys keep a secret?

- No.
- No.

I'm trying not to cry at
work because I'm strong,

professional...

... and strong. But I just
tried pre-crying in there,

and it didn't help at all.

Have you tried pressing
your tongue against

the roof of your mouth,
or maybe pinching yourself?

Marko wears the cry-pants in our bed,

and I can always get him to stop.

How?

Ow!

Can't be sad when you're stunned.

Sure.

I don't think I needed
to be stunned that hard.

Thought she'd be more grateful.

Needs to check her privilege.

No, Paul.

Whoa, who d*ed?

What?

You look like you're going to a funeral.

Lipstick and floral says funeral to you?

We buried my aunt in a shirt like that.

Well, I'm having lunch with a friend.

Is Doris doing okay? Yeah.

She might be getting outta the
hospital next week, actually.

Oh, that's good news!

- Off on your date?
- Date? In the middle of the day?

Looks like someone's looking for an out.

Or, two mature professionals
with packed schedules

are making time for each other.

You don't seem that busy.

Michael is!

Sometimes I have to wait
a month for an appointment.

Who's Michael?

My therapist. Shannon's dating him.

We're going on a date.

Michael's not really a one-date
kind of guy. Very committed.

He's the reason I don't
scream on planes anymore.

So you like someone that
can get inside your head.

I like smart, engaging people.

So, you like being engaged.

I'm gonna be late.

And you know, there's nothing wrong

with wanting to settle down one day.

It's actually more messed
up not to want commitment,

so, think about that.

Uh-oh, comments like that are
gonna send me to the shrink.

Hey, you let me know
if Michael is any good.

Please don't go to Michael.

I had no idea you had
such an affinity for cats.

Oh, def do.

Mittens and Snowball are
like my sista-in-claws.

I'm more of a dog person.

I admire their openness
and their sensitivity.

Ah, a therapist's dream.

I think I relate to the
independence of cats.

Not that I'm, like, miss
independent all the time,

but I enjoy time by myself.
Well, "enjoy" is strong.

More like, cope well.
Sorry. I'm rambling.

Not at all.

I'm glad that Kristian
referred me to you.

I was shocked because he's
usually pretty closed off

about his personal life.

Uh-oh. Have I crossed some sort
of therapist-patient boundary?

There is no rule stopping you
from talking to me about Kristian.

Good. Because I have to tell
you about the way he says "awry."

But I think it's best

if we don't mention my patients.

Anyway, tell me more about
yourself. Any siblings?

No, but my cousin Nikki
has always kind of felt

like a rebel kid sis. She
works at the shelter too.

We're kind of our own
little fam-jam over there.

Hmm. Interesting you see it that way.

Is it? Has Kris...

or, anyone who shall remain
nameless, said otherwise?

Shannon, I keep my personal life

and my professional life separate.

It's not easy, but it's important.

Well, your ethics impress me.

Let me know when you're
ready to order, Dr. Garcia.

Oh my God, is he a patient?

- So, Michael is pretty nice.
- Mm-hmm.

It's kinda hard to hold anything back

- from those non-judgemental eyes.
- I know all about the eyes.

And he kinda smells like Christmas.

Please stop seeing him.

Sorry?

I am at a pivotal point in my therapy,

and I feel this could jeopardize it.

Oh, it's just that, I thought you were,

you know, fine with this.

Well, sometimes you don't
know where your boundaries are

until someone has crossed
them. Michael agrees.

You've talked about it with him?

I'd rather not discuss my sessions.

I hope that you can appreciate that.

I do, it's just... Are you sweating?

Asserting myself is triggering,

and I am in fight or flight mode. Sorry.

I need to ice my vagus nerve.

What's a vagus nerve?

Where is everyone?

Oh, lunch. Beatrice
the duck waddled over

to the puddle at Wal-Mart,
so Paul went to go get her.

Well, I could really
use some assistance.

Joy, this is Devon,
he is a soldier, who...

Well, I will let you tell your story.

Well, I won't bore you
with army life details.

I've never been less bored.

But when I shipped out, I left my dogs,

Timbaland and Pretzel,
with my friend, Gary.

Gary then played a voicemail
for them, where I'm like,

"Hey, Timby, hey,
Pretzel. I miss you guys."

And Pretzel, my boxer, he
thinks that I'm calling him.

And so he tried to run home,
but he didn't know the way.

Didn't know the way home. Mm-hm.

Gary searched for weeks.

Shelters, parks, Swiss chalet.

A typical "dog goes missing story."

So you never found him?

Well, that's the thing,
I was on your website,

considering getting a new dog, and...

Who the F's Jeep is parked out front?

Woody went nuts for it.

Pretzel? Oh my God!

Hey, that's your dog?

Is someone filming this?

What's going on?

That's his dog! They've
been separated for months.

Oh, I love you so much, buddy.

I'm never gonna let you go, you hear me?

Get the dog hugging him.

I'm on it.

He sat staring out
that window every day.

He was waiting for you.

Really?!

I missed you, buddy. I missed you.

I've just gotta go through
a few standard questions.

Meet me in my office so
we can go over Woody...

uh, Pretzel's paperwork.

Jesus, Joy. Have a heart.

Oh, there's the potato masher.

I love how in tune you
are with your kitchen.

I spent a summer in high school
working in a greasy spoon.

My hair smelled like onions for a year.

Kids called me Shan-onion rings.

Kids can be cruel.

But you know,

it smells great now.

Okay, I know we talked about this,

but did you and Kristian
talk about us dating?

Shannon, it's sensitive.

Okay.

But if a cucumber means
"yes" and carrots mean "no,"

did you tell Kristian he should
assert his boundaries with me?

Which vegetable means
"client confidentiality"?

Peas, probably. I just want
to know if you stood up for me.

Can you not stand up for yourself?

No, that's not what
I'm saying. I just...

I think you should talk
to Doris about this.

I bet your mom has some great insights.

Oh, Doris isn't my mother.

Sorry, I meant Colleen.

My birth mom? We barely speak.

Peggy?

She's my aunt. I told you that.

Do you find yourself
drawn to mother figures?

I don't know. Maybe?

Huh. You know, we have an
hour for dinner to cook.

Why don't we talk about this?

I thought we were talking about us.

Come. Sit.

Bring a tissue.

No.

So, we're going to be extra friendly

with our extra-special helper, right?

No scaring her off.

I'd like to see him try.

I taught third grade.
There is nothing scarier

than an eight-year-old whose
voice has changed too soon.

It's less about fear and
more about emotional distress.

Unwanted old dogs with lonely seniors.

Gran-paws? Gran-please!

Well, I owe Nikki for this.

She recommended me?

Whatever.

Just get to work.

You bet, Niknak.

A new groom is rising.

Stop!

But, good one.

Thank you. I will not let you down.

Well, I did it.

I adopted the soldier's dog back
to him without one single tear.

I can't really talk right now.

Yeah, totally. I just wanted to
say thanks for teaching me that.

Some heroes wear vet
scrubs, because you're mine.

And you wear...

No, they don't!

Oh, wow.

Is this about the soldier?

I failed my pastry course!

Sorry?

What kind of moron botches choux pastry?

One profiterole falls? Fine. It happens.

Pro... tiferals are... clumsy.

But three? Four?

Just like that time I got a
B minus in equine physiology.

But even then I didn't cry about it!

Lara, stop.

I wish I could.

Look, you're super smart.

You pull off cropped pencil pants

better than most famous people.

And you are incredible
at no-mess eating.

I just wanted to win at pastry.

Screw pastry! You are a
top-notch vet who cries!

Own it!

Okay!

And pro-fer-oles can suck it!

Yeah!

But it's "profiteroles."

- Whatever.
- No, it's important.

Hey, Bronco! Look who it is.

You look... tired.

Is Mikey wearing you out?

Not anymore, thanks. We broke up.

How's life as a jerk with
an un-fixed horny jerk dog?

Never better. Have a good night.

Sorry, that was... that was
rude. Especially to Bronco.

That's okay. He gets
it. Don't you, Bronco?

Breakups can be tough.

Whatever.

I mean, you're allowed to be upset.

Thanks.

Yeah, they say it takes
about half the time

that you were with
somebody to get over them,

so you should be good
in four or five days.

Yeah, I don't know how
I'll manage until then,

maybe you could go see
a therapist or something.

Or maybe I'll order
takeout and read my book.

That's a party.

Yeah, normally I'd
drive around in my truck,

drinking beer, hitting
the strip clubs, but...

It's like we're twins. Have
you been reading my diary?

- Okay. Good night.
- Enjoy your super sad book club.

Don't tell me what to
do. But yes, I will.