02x03 - A Gold Bar in Fort Knox

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Benedict and Number Two are missing.

KATE: "Take the shortcut".

REYNIE: What's the shortcut?

STICKY: It's the fastest
ship in the world.

I demand our immediate release.

Release? From what?

JACKSON: Our community
has been thoughtfully curated.

Positivity is an absolute requirement.

- Hello, friends.
- JACKSON: Hello, Sebastian.

He's one of the earliest adopters
of Dr. Curtain's philosophy.

CAPTAIN NOLAND: Prepare to dock
in Lisbon in a spectacular hours.

We need to lay low. Blend in.

Wish we had matching tracksuits
like the cricket squad over there.

REYNIE: Their warm-ups say,
"water polo, actually".

CANNONBALL: Based on
my life jacket count,

there are four extra passengers
on board the Shortcut.

We need to find those stowaways.

RHONDA: This is good.

We're scheduled to arrive in Lisbon
a good hours before the kids.

You're creating
an artificial state of happiness.

People seem to enjoy it.

BENEDICT: It is a complete
disconnection from true emotion.

REYNIE: Mr. Benedict thought
we'd be in that stateroom.

So the clue has to be there.

I bet we use that key
at the train station.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Good evening, children.

There.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

They are on this boat. Find
them before we reach land.

(THEME MUSIC)

STICKY: We were hanging
feet above the ocean.

Our hands could've slipped,
the rope could've snapped.

Do you know what the survival
rates are for a fall like that?

Not high. Not high at all.

It's okay. We made it down.

I'm kicking myself, guys.

I should have known they weren't
real water polo players.

Trailing. Come on.

They must be undercover.
Working for Curtain.

- Curtain? Why? What does he want with us?
- Think about it.

He has everyone in the world
believing he solved the Emergency.

But we know the truth.
We know he's lying.

Like Mr. Benedict and Number Two.

So he kidnapped them,
and now he's coming after us.

Solid move. I'd kidnap us, too.

All his talk about happiness,
that book of his, all a ruse.

A trick.

We need to just stick with the plan.

Follow the clues
Mr. Benedict left for us

until we get close enough
to find him and Number Two.

And then we take care of Curtain.

- Somehow.
- Confidence-inspiring.

For now, we lie low and stay
down here until we get to Lisbon.

- Where do we sleep?
- How about over there?

REYNIE: No one will be able to see us.

On the metal?

Metal is a luxury. Toughen up, George.

Hmm.

Oh, he is inducing happiness
by using a direct synaptic access.

Oh, it's not just disturbing,
it's dangerous.

Oh, it's very disturbing.

- Yet remarkable.
- What?

Someone even called it
a scientific breakthrough.

- Who would call it that?
- Most neuroscientists.

It's manipulation,
a simulation of happiness.

- It's not real.
- The world doesn't see it that way.

Well, that's what makes it
so extraordinarily dangerous.

People are becoming dependent
on this artificial state of mind!

And yet another way
my brother can exert his control.

Number Two, please put the garbage
back in the bin. What is this?

(SIGHS) This garbage
is our way out of here.

My instincts are taking me
towards tunneling,

- which I figured you'd reject?
- Correct.

Hm. So I thought we'd try
something different. Mold.

- Mold?
- Yes.

We have all the materials and
conditions to grow a mold infestation

in every building in this compound.

- "Infestation?"
- (SIGHS)

Tactical fungal infection.

Break them down from
the inside. Literally.

I fear that violates a number
of international treaties.

I didn't sign anything.

- It's clever. Troubling, but clever.
- Thank you.

However, I believe our
unfortunate kidnapping

presents a more fortuitous opportunity

to infect my brother with love.

Genuine love. Love for his fellow man.

- What?
- And maybe some real happiness.

- Love for his fellow man?
- Yes.

- He kidnapped us.
- Because he wants me here.

When we were young,
Nathaniel was an ace in algebra.

An ace, but he always wanted
me to check his work,

not because he needed me to,
but to show how brilliant he was.

- So?
- He craves my approval.

If I could just have more time with
him and not be so judgmental,

I really believe I could
get him to listen to me.

- I think you're being naive.
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)

Do you remember what happened
the last time you two squared off?

- Well, that was on his turf.
- So is this.

You're wasting your time. I'm
going to devise an escape plan.

We need to get out of here
and alert the authorities.

Expose him.

And I would love to find a phone.

Rhonda and Milligan
must be sick with worry.

Yes, a phone.

I will go search for one.

And, um, take heart.

At least Rhonda and Milligan
are at home, away from danger.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

ANNOUNCER: It seems
we've hit stubborn headwinds.

So in addition to the light chop,

there might be a slight
delay to our arrival.

We can't afford a delay.

We need to get to Lisbon
before the children.

ANNOUNCER: We're looking at
five to six additional flight hours.

Eight tops. Definitely under .

I'm afraid it's beyond our control.

- MAN : Oh, god!
- WOMAN : Oh, no!

- MAN : Oh, no!
- WOMAN : Somebody grab it.

No.

- (WAITER PANTS)
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)

You can do this.
Professionalism. Say it.

Professionalism.

RHONDA: Yes!

Easy does it. Easy, easy, easy.

The crate of sugar was empty,
and there were tiny handprints inside.

Children's handprints.

So, not just stowaways.

They're responsible for undermining
our culinary excellence.

Their infractions continue
to multiply. With respect...

Why haven't you found them?

Some of them are quite small.

But there are only a few places
left they could be hiding.

I'm confident we'll have them soon.

More urgently... (SIGHS)

... the first engineer
confirms our speed

is indeed trending slower than usual.

He's doing everything he can
to rectify the situation,

but at this rate, we'll
arrive two hours late.

Three on the outside.

This will shatter our reputation!

Captain, are you all right?

Aside from a slight case of low
blood sugar, my faltering marriage,

and the liens on my house and
my vehicle, I am top drawer.

- Redline the engines!
- MAN: That is remarkably unwise, Captain.

- Do as I say.
- MAN: Yes, Captain.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

(SNORING)

Constance?

Where is she going?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Constance wants a taste.

A taste? I want a full course meal.

No. We came down here
to stay out of sight.

If we go in there and gamble,
we'd be completely exposed.

We're going to need more money
in Lisbon to get to the train station.

The inflation rate in
Portugal is alarming.

Listen to him. This could
solve all our problems.

We could lose all of it,
and then we have nothing.

- No risk, no reward.
- And the risk is infinitesimal.

- It's actually quite large.
- Potayto, potahto.

Let's go get rich.

What? Our money's no good here?

This really isn't a place for kids.

Your parents know you're down here?

They sent me to clean house.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Lookin' or playing?

I'm playing.

What's the maximum bet?

I'd like to play some poker.

We'd love you to play some poker.

(ALL CHEER)

WOMAN : Winner.

Dealer busts.

WOMAN : Blackjack.

Seven again?

- It's just too easy.
- Yeah!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

- Double it.
- On ?

Dumb luck.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Call.

Invest in some sunglasses, kid.

(ALL CHEER)

Get yourself something nice.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: We'll set up now.

L.D. CURTAIN: Okay. Good.

- Now go.
- WOMAN: And seconds.

Audience members can go
and take your seats, please.

- Mr. Benedict. We've been expecting you.
- WOMAN: Camera , check!

- Right this way.
- WOMAN: Camera , check!

Yeah.

WOMAN: Five, four, three.

(APPLAUSE)

L.D. CURTAIN: Thank you.

Friends, my name is L.D. Curtain.

Many of you know me as the man
who solved The Emergency,

but that's not what I'm here
to talk to you about.

Today, I am so pleased

to share with my growing
family all over the world

about something quite simple
and yet quite profound.

I'd like to talk to you about happiness.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

You've been staring at that
same page for over an hour.

Just making sure that I'm
fully absorbing the material.

It's an advertisement for cough drops.

Nuanced advertisement.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

It's okay to be scared.

I am not scared.

This is a marvel of engineering.

Is a gold bar scared in Fort Knox?

I am worried, though.
Painfully so about them.

It's hard not to be.

To be a parent is to live
in a constant state of worry.

But I'm learning that worrying
is not a form of preparation.

Doesn't make anything less
likely to happen

nor armor you if it does.

We're going to find them.

ANNOUNCER: Good evening.
Apologies for the bumps, folks.

We are attempting to maneuver
around the worst of it,

but these headwinds have limited
our progress to negative five knots.

In the meantime, sit back, relax,
and please secure anything

that could become a projectile.

Look at this. We nearly
tripled our stack.

Whoa.

Could have been more.

First rule of dice play,
quit while you're ahead.

Or have more courage.

Hey, are you guys hearing that?
Things popcorning like crazy.

Sounds like a fuel issue.

Are you thinking in the t*nk or
are we talking corrupted lines?

Be easy enough to tell
with a quick snake assay.

I'm sure the Captain would
love to hear your critiques.

CONSTANCE: We'll wait here for you.

Sorry for boring you. Are
you interested in money?

Only for what it can buy.

Way to go, Sticky!

- That's incredible.
- How?

- I used the Hi-Opt card counting system.
- Hi-Opt?

STICKY: Every card's assigned the value

of either one, zero, or minus one.

I tracked each card on the table,

then added the card's values as I play,

keeping a count for the aces

and a running count
for all the other cards.

With that info,
I determined my betting odds

were sufficiently high
to justify my wager.

- Double it.
- On ?

Wait. You cheated?

I didn't cheat.

I used math to gain a slight
statistical advantage.

I learned it in the math club
at Boatwright.

I knew that school was
good for something.

- Sticky...
- STICKY: What?

Is it frowned upon in a casino? Yes.

Is it legal in many countries?
Absolutely.

Well, we definitely cheated.
No gray area there.

- What?
- I shaved the dice.

Never touch a bet once it's placed.
An infant knows that.

(ALL CHEER)

- You cheated.
- The goal was to win money.

Money that we need if we're going
to find Mr. Benedict and Number Two.

So, I won that money. I don't
see what the problem is.

Machiavellian. Respect.

I solved a problem and
found a mechanical solution.

You call it cheating.
I call it ingenuity.

Whatever it is, it's no
different than stealing.

We should give back
our winnings. All of them.

- It's only right.
- We need that money.

We do, but not like this.

Mr. Benedict asked us to cheat.
Last year, remember?

On a test. This is different.

Those people whose money we took
have nothing to do with this.

They're innocent victims.

I do admire the beauty of the math,

but I shouldn't have used it
with other people's money.

None of us should have.

Fine. Don't expect me
to be happy about it.

How will your moral victory taste
when Benedict's in the ground?

We'll find another way to get the money.

You're telling me I've been
swindled by children?

And it was wrong, very wrong,
which is why we, all of us...

unanimously decided
to return our winnings.

It's all there.

Twenty-five, fifty, seventy-five...

Six. Five.

He's really slamming those around.

No telling what a man
so humiliated will do.

Great idea, Reynie.

We're not just gonna be broke,
we're gonna be dead.

Five, six, seven...

Have a good rest of your trip,
and we wish you bonne chance.

Stop.

Come here.

You hand over a stack like that
and expect to just walk on out of here?

Yes, sir. That was the expectation?

In all my years, I've seen
my fair share of charlatans,

- bandits, thieves, rascals...
- We...

... hoodwinks, trust breakers,
oath scoffers, dream crushers.

The lowest of the low.

But you know what I've never seen?

Anyone come clean.

That's an honor and it's
hard to find anywhere,

much less on the lawless,
free for all called the sea.

It deserves to be rewarded.

Oh. Oh!

See? Honesty does pay.

- You're truly magical, Reynie.
- Thank you, Constance.

You turned a large stack of money
into a small stack of money

with the wave of your morals.

Do not move.

You're an insult to real water
polo players everywhere.

Selling bad tactics,
suboptimal muscle density.

- And why would we care about that?
- I have so many reasons.

You're coming with us.

Never going to happen.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

There's an old German saying,
popular among the Alsatians.

Alles hat ein ende,
nur die wurst hat zwei.

"Everything has an end,
only a sausage has two".

Which applies to us how?

This game is over.

This ship is finite,
there is nowhere to hide.

- Surren...
- CANNONBALL: Surrender!

- Surrender!
- KATE: Sir, you have to stop them.

- They're trying to kidnap us.
- Enough.

- I know what you are.
- Yes. Okay. We're gamblers.

- And things got out of control.
- But we're reformed.

Ready to go on an anti-gambling mission.

No. You're stowaways.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

- GIANNI: Worried you'd be late today.
- Gianni. You wound me.

You see me every day,
same time, never late.

That's true, you're never late.

MAN: You are going to love
what I brought you.

While I may not know you personally,
you have to understand,

I care about each and
every one of you deeply.

My purpose is simple,

to open your eyes to something
which has been lost for so many of us.

Happiness.

Which is so fundamental,
we fail to see it.

And I ask nothing in return.

I'm duly informing you
that the four of you,

having secreted yourselves
aboard this vessel,

are being held for gross violation
of international maritime law,

section . , section C.

You know, we just heard the seas
referred to as "lawless",

which I thought was an eye-opening...

Whoever said that is a madman or a fool.

You have no idea who
my parents are, do you?

Well, I know they're not on
this vessel. As such, walk.

Surely you know Alice Potrykus
and Yevgeni Potrykus IV?

I've... rarely heard those names
spoken above a whisper.

A spy trawler with no place for a baby.

They had to give me away.

They left me to be raised
by a pack of Yukon wolves.

It was the wolves who taught me
the meaning of being human.

Hm. Ironic.

That's absurd.

And thus, true to life.

Let's go. You're coming with me.

ANNOUNCER: Good news from the cockpit.

Looks like we're finally past
the worst of the inclement weather.

Hopefully, like me,

you can appreciate the raw and
terrifying beauty of nature's power.

Why does it feel like we're descending?

ANNOUNCER: Which has
unfortunately left its mark.

We're experiencing
a very slight deflation issue.

So we'll be rerouting
for an emergency landing

in the Northern Iberian Plains.

(ALL MURMURING)

For proper balance configuration,

we will need to jettison luggage
from the cargo hold.

We'll have you on the ground soon.

And thank you for flying
with Atalanta Aeronautique.

(HORN HONKS)

CAPTAIN NOLAND: Well,
I must say, I was expecting

a more rough and tumble bunch.

But the sea teaches us,
expectation is a sister to folly.

They were hiding out
in the engine room, sir.

Hm. Like rats.

- One could say.
- No matter.

They'll soon be in the brig,
along with the other pests.

And then, on to maritime court.

I do hope they're more
lenient than last time.

Do you remember the
last stowaways we found?

I'd rather not. A haunting tale.

Please, if we could just...

Do not listen to them, Captain,
he's a liar, they're all liars.

We're not the only ones.

We know you're lying
about the speed of the ship.

You should change its name
to The Lugubrious.

Well, sometimes, even the best
maritime equipment can be a little off.

My point exactly.

We're going slower than you think,
and we'll never get to Lisbon on time

with the ship's faulty combustion
to oxygenation ratio.

The ship has never had an issue
with its COR before.

Well, it does now.

I heard it down in the engine room.
But not to worry.

My friend here has
diagnosed the issue. Sticky?

It sounds like seawater.

It's leaking into the fuel t*nk,
creating a hotbed of electrolysis,

- causing exothermic reaction.
- That's enough.

You're all going to the brig,
seawater or not.

What if we told you
we could fix the problem?

Are we entering some
sort of a negotiation?

They'll say anything to get free.

Not anything, just a solution
to your engine issue.

If you let us go.

A late arrival will be
the last straw for me.

I'd be a pariah. Release them.

But, sir.

Get us to Lisbon on time
and you go free.

That's an excellent starting point,

but we'll also need to get past
the immigration checkpoint in Lisbon.

Deal.

Sadness isn't something
to be ashamed of.

We've all experienced it.
Me, perhaps, more than others.

I learned at a very young age

that abandonment and betrayal
can come from anywhere,

even from what seems like sacred ground.

From family.

But my sadness did not last long
because I didn't let it.

I simply chose to open the valve
deep inside of me

and let my true happiness,

the happiness safe from all intrusions,

that be my North Star.

(APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Where to hide? Where to hide?

Oh.

- Sebastian!
- Sebastian!

JILLSON: I'm worried. It's not
like Sebastian to miss dinner.

JACKSON: It's not like him at all.

- Sebastian?
- Sebastian?

Sebastian, are you okay?

- That's not promising.
- No, it is not.

Blink if you hear us, Sebastian.

Seems our time is up.

But our journey is just beginning.

Thank you for joining me.

And remember...

inside of you, inside of all of us...

is the profound power to be happy.

Let us seize the power...

together.

(SOFT CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

INFORMATION AGRICULTURE

Captain, we were not expecting
you for another two hours.

They call us the Shortcut
for good reason.

- He's good. Let him through.
- Captain.

(INDISTINCT PA CHATTER)

Welcome to the city of Seven Hills.

(THUDS)

(SIGHS)

Well, I can't thank you enough.

I only hope that the Shortcut
was as kind to you as you were to her.

Boa sorte. Godspeed.

Oh, and, Sticky, is it?

In case you ever decide you want
a job in combustion analysis, uh...

call this number.

It's our home office.

Let's go. Those water polo players
could be anywhere.

Don't worry. I handled them.

Do you know the ecological damage

that even one single
tangerine could inflict?

- Take them away.
- Wait.

No. Those are not our tangerines.

Those are not our tangerines.

I have a citrus allergy even. Wait, no!

Spare me the lecture, Reynard.

No lecture. Great work.

You're maturing.

STICKY: Look at us. Four kids
alone in a foreign country.

I'm not sure how that pencils out.

It may just be me, but it
doesn't feel like we're alone.

Every time we find a new clue,
I can hear Mr. Benedict's voice.

He's speaking to us.

And saying, "Catch a cab
to the Saint Apollo train station

and find the next clue".

- I hope they're okay.
- They have to be.

They're both strong,
highly intelligent people.

Mr. Benedict is not strong.

He's a glass house held together
by desperate optimism.

Hey, .

- Hey, Hooves.
- That guy? Again?

Must be hard to see.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

Hey, I just put it together.

- You're Reynie Muldoon.
- I am.

This guy talks about you all the time.

You're his best friend, right?

Hey, take care, Sticky.
Nice meeting you all.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- What is it?
- Our Europe-wide dragnet has caught...

- some fish.
- What?

I'm with team three
at the Port of Lisbon.

As you thought, people are
coming for your brother.

- His circle of children...
- Society of children.

Right, of course. Society
of children has arrived.

- On their own.
- Really? Interesting. Just the children?

Wow, they've proven to be
my only true adversaries.

I respect them deeply.

Deeply enough to...

- treat them without mercy.
- Understood.

- Anyone speaks Portuguese?
- Actually, yeah, kinda.

Curtain's gray man.

- STICKY: That's definitely him.
- Get in! Get in! Get in!

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

(IN PORTUGUESE) Well,
no, please. We would like...

- (IN ENGLISH) Go! Go! Go!
- Go! Go! Go!

REYNIE (IN PORTUGUESE): Go please now!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC)