10x07 - Rhinestones and Roses

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the ' s,
Country-Western music swept the nation,

from Dolly Parton to Reba McEntire.

The cowboy hats and line dancing

even found their way to suburban Philly.

JTP? What are you doing here?

We came to see if Barry wanted
to go to the campus pool

and watch the ladies diving team.

We're extremely lonely, and
it's currently not illegal.

Tell me if this is a
good pick-up line...

- "Nice splash, toots."
- It's not.

Barry: I hear the JTP!
I'm not coming down!

You have to, honey!

We kiss, so you do the things I want.

[Sighs] Fine!

But I don't want to hear so
much as a peep from anyone!

- Tarnation!
- Holy cowboy.

- Very pale rider.
- Barry: Have at it!

For your information, Joanne
has been taking me line dancing,

and since I'm loving and
supportive, I have embraced it.

- Mm!
- Not as much as those jeans

have embraced your buttocks and thighs.

Yes, I do traditionally
enjoy a loose trouser

that accommodates my
thunderous lower half,

but these Lee jeans
are surprisingly comfy.

They hug nice. Jo Jo like.

Is that a pearl-snap cowboy shirt?

Good eye, Naked Rob.

You can yank it right off
like a Sixers warm-up jersey.

I've done it. It starts the mood.

And I see you've chosen a black hat?

Does that make you the villain?

Don't be absurd, Matt Bradley.

Does your tie-dye shirt make
you the chill, mellow, nice guy?

It kinda does, yeah.

Well, I just have one more question...

Are there single women at this place?

A ton, and they all
dress in Daisy Dukes,

crop tops, and pigtail braids.

- I wanna be a good ol' boy!
- Me, too!

- Yee-haw I think!
- Oh, wait!

If you wanna join us, we
have to teach you to dance.

Toes on the line and follow my lead!

♪

Channel the pain of a
hardscrabble prairie life...

Coaster Step into a Lasso Spin!

Joanne: Oh, y'all are naturals!

Doing things in a line is fun!

Big finish!

Rocking Chair into a Rattlesnake Shimmy!

And Heel, Shuffle, Pose!

Yee-haw!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was November , -something,

and after losing my
job on the movie set,

I had some time on my hands.

Need help with the groceries?

Thank you, Schmoo.

Maybe too much time.

Oh, no. That goes over here.

Oh, that goes, uh, over here.

Oh, my God. These go here.

Oh, no. Honey.

Oh, Jeebus.

Yeah, Schmoo, Schmoo?

Why don't you go play
with your Nintendos?

Blech. I've beaten every game.

What's going on in your
world, my grumpy gramps?

Sorting buttons.

Why?

So they're in groups.

Enough with the questions, Joe Friday.

Ooh, a swirly one.

Beginner's luck.

Less talkin', more sortin'.

So I started spending more
time with the only person

who had nowhere else to go.

Just one time I'd like to see

Judge Wapner sentence someone to death.

Oh, this is much too...

- Creamy.
- Creamy, yeah.

Uh, another squirrel made it across.

Yep, hanging with Pop-Pop
wasn't super exciting,

but it filled the days.

Need help buckling her in?

No, we're okay, but are you?

Oh, yeah.

After my nap, I'm gonna
split a pear with Pop-Pop.

Wow. Sounds pretty jam-packed.

Tuesdays, am I right?

- It's Friday.
- Good talk.

Uh, uh... see you around
the mulberry tree.

Oh, man, Adam's spending way
too much time with Pop-Pop.

Eh, we got our own kid to worry about.

He's probably fine.

But I wasn't.

I really wasn't.

Need help with Muriel?

Nope? Cool.

Dude, I wouldn't let you
near our child right now.

She poops herself and
she's cleaner than you.

[Chuckles] Roger that.

Uh, Erica, what is going on with him?

Remember when I dropped out of college

and I sank into a slovenly
self-hating abyss?

Oh, no. That was such an
unappealing time for you.

Not my point.

- But, yes, we have to help him.
- Yeah.

Hey, Adam, I say this with love...

You're pathetic and hard to look at.

Smelling you is also no picnic.

That's you?

I thought your mom's been making
hard-boiled eggs all week.

I get it, I'm in a bit of a rut.

But it'll pass.

Adam, I've been where you are.

When I stopped going to school,
things got dark. Real dark.

Like, "What am I doing
with this person?" dark.

Easy, now.

But now she follows basic
hygiene like the rest of us.

- You're doing it, baby!
- Guys, it's all good.

I'm just gonna chill on the
couch and watch "Gunsmoke"

until I can finally go to NYU.

It's not all good. You look
and smell like hot ass.

Find a new job.

Hey! Lay off the kid.

He's got Lyme disease.

Adam doesn't have Lyme disease.

I thought that's why he's
being such a lazy slug.

Some tick stole his life force, no?

Fine, I'll look for a job.

Yeah, I'll even help.

Everywhere I turn, he's there.

And his button sorting is [bleep].

My life didn't give
me much to brag about.

But as a new grandmother, my
mom was as boastful as ever.

Oh, my signature client.

What are we doing today?

How about nothing
because you're perfect?

[Chuckles] Oh, Frank, stop.

Why hasn't some gal scooped you up yet?

That's a mystery to my mother, too.

Have I shown you the most recent

photos of my granddaughter?

Ginzy, can you pick up the end?

Yeah! Always happy to help.

- Maybe, um, go down a little bit.
- Okay.

Really stretch it taut so he
can get a bird's-eye view.

Frank, I, too, am Muriel's grandmother.

Linda, please, this is my time.

Prepare yourself, Frank.

You're gonna love these more
than that Elton John concert

you wouldn't shut up about.

- [All chuckle]
- Beverly Goldberg.

But who's guarding the
bridge if the troll is here?

Jane Bales. That's quite an outfit.

Is your horse hitched outside?

Or are you the horse and
Jane is hitched outside?

It's all so confusing
because you both have,

wait for it...

horse faces. [Neighs]

Tedious and clumsy, just like you.

We're going line dancing.

Not something you'd be
familiar with, Grandma.

Oh, so you heard the incredible news

that I created someone
who created someone?

I was referring to your gray,
desiccated, listless hair.

[Scoffs] I can't see any gray.

It's blurry.

You really should pick up those bifocals

that Lou ordered [clears throat]

is something that I
should've said privately.

Don't worry.

This old crone can't hear
you unless you shout.

So, will I see you all tonight
at Rhinestones and Roses?

Hold up!

You guys go line dancing together?

Well, we invited you.

But you said you were,

you know, too tired
from being a grandma.

I said that?

Your exact words were, "I'm tired.

Being a grandma makes me
tired. I'm a tired grandma."

Well, when you put as much
effort into it as I do,

it can be tiring because I
am not just a good grandma...

Oh, God, please say it.

- I am a great grandma.
- [Gasps]

There it is.

Yes, you are a great, great grandma.

Damn it! So much unfortunate word play.

This has honestly been too perfect.

So, good luck with your grays, Granny.

I'm gonna get out of Frank's way

because God knows he's got
his work cut out for him.

[Chuckles] Bye!

Well, thanks for getting my back, Essie!

I don't know. I thought it went fine.

Oh, really? Is this fine?

[Gasps] Why?!

Linda was closer!

Frank will fix it when
he's done with me.

Get those fingers flying, Frank.

Jane Bales had rattled my mom.

Meanwhile, I was reeling from
the lack of job opportunities.

Okay, I found the perfect job for you...

Mortician's assistant.

Magician's assistant?

Saw me in half and pull a
rabbit outta my butt, I'm in!

Mortician. Their only trick

is to pickle dead people
so they don't rot too fast.

Considering I threw up when I saw

- whatever's going on with your heel, I'm gonna pass.
- Oh, my.

Didn't realize I was splitting an
egg cream with the Prince of Persia.

Happy birthday, Mr. Presidents.

I'm sex symbol Marilyn someone.

Uh, what'll it be?

What the hell is this place?

It's a ' s diner, gramps.

People are suckers for nostalgia.

' s, feh. Why did TV need color?

Carla, I'll handle this table.

Blue suede shoes. [Grunts]

Can I take your order?

Johnny, it's Adam. You know me.

Oh, hey, Goldnerd.

Welcome to the old times.
What can I get you?

How about another waiter?

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Normally, I just manage the place,

but we're short-staffed.

Ha! Short-staffed.

I'm in a position of authority.

Oh, man, this is actually perfect.

I'm looking for a job.

You got any experience waiting tables?

No, but I have tons of experience

eating at tables.

That's not nothin'.

Follow-up question... Are you now,

or have you ever been, a
member of the Communist Party?

I don't think so.

- You're hired.
- That's it?

The kid's spilled three times,

and we haven't ordered a thing yet.

The bar is real low here.

Nice. I did it.

So I was gonna be a waiter.

Meanwhile, my mom wasn't
gonna have to wait much longer

to prove to Jane Bales
that she was still young.

Wait, don't tell me you boys
are into line dancing, too.

It's awesome and sweaty and fun!

It's like sports, but there's girls.

Girls play sports.

You've oversimplified my new passion.

I'm partial to jazz and
tap, but it fills a void.

Wait, am I the only person in Jenkintown

- who hasn't tried this?
- Yes, ma'am.

In fact, I was thinking, we
should all have cowboy names.

And then at the h*nky-tonk,

that's what we use to
talk to each other.

- That's perfect.
- Great!

Okay. 'Cause I already
got my name... Bronco.

- I'll be Bronco.
- Wait, what?

I'm feeling like a Tex.
It's my very first thought,

but I also don't care,
'cause I freakin' love it.

- You got it, Tex.
- Thank you kindly, Bronco.

Wait, that's my name.
What about Colt for me?

It's settled. You're Colt,

Naked Rob is Tex, Barry is Bronco,

- and Andy is Half-Pint.
- Half-Pint?

What does that have to
do with anything country?

Oh, and I'll be Miss Lula
Blaze from Tombstone Gulch.

You're joining us for some
boot-scootin', Mrs. G?

If it's what the young people are doing,

it's what I'm doing, too.

- Let's rock!
- Okay.

♪ Hey, ho, here we go, let's ride... ♪

Beverly, so great to see you here!

And that "Cowgirl" sweater is adorable.

And accurate, because "girl" is
what I am.

Other words that might go here are

"agile," "energetic," "robust,"

and, of course, "proud American."

Oh, that seems like

that would require a lot of rhinestones.

- Hi, Barry.
- I'm not Barry, I'm Bronco.

Colt. Tex.

Andy's fine.

Okay, cowboys and cowgirls,
time to hit the dance floor!

Mom, you sure you wanna do this?
It's harder than it looks.

Please, Barry. Disco, salsa,
break, belly...

There isn't a dance I haven't mastered.

[Grunts] Let's go.

Beverly, you're here.

Did one of these fine men
throw a rope around you

and try to take you to auction?

If that's not clear, I'm suggesting...

It's clear.

I love your -gallon hat
and your -gallon skirt.

- If that wasn't clear...
- It's clear!

Now let's get to steppin'!

[Cheering] Yee-haw!

Man: Two, three, four!

- And step my mom did.
- Oh.

- She stepped on Essie.
- Ow! Ow!

Essie! Watch your big feet.

Sorry! They're just a little big.

She stepped on Linda. Oh!

It's okay, it happens all the time.

Stay in your space.

And finally, she stepped on herself.

Whoa! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Ooh, we have a nag down in the barn.

- Mom!
- A nag is down in the barn.

I'm being folksy, but I think
that woman is really hurt.

Ooh, my gorgeous ankle!

And just like that, my
mom's attempt to rise above

Jane Bale's insults led to
her falling on the dance floor

and feeling lower than ever.

After my mom's spill on the dance floor,

she was determined to get
herself back on track.

But there were some obstacles.

Good news, it's just a sprain.

But you will need some help walking.

- And her new bifocals were just so-so.
- [Sighs]

Are you sure these make me seem younger?

Absolutely.

You look like all my
aunts I had crushes on.

But they're stylish, right?

Beverly, when it comes to eyewear,

no one knows hip like King Louie.

King Louie?

Would I refer to myself
in such regal terms

if I wasn't completely confident?

And, unfortunately, there was
a hiccup at the hair salon.

Goodbye, gray. Hello, platinum blonde!

Uh-oh.

[Gasps] What the [bleep] Frank?!

- [Door bell jingles]
- Things couldn't get any worse for my mom...

until the absolute worst walked in.

[Sighs] Perfect.

Beverly, nice to see you.

Why aren't you hurling insults at me?

I look like the "Where's the beef?" lady

from the Wendy's commercial.

Don't be silly.

Are you pitying me?

[Scoffs] Nonsense.

Just, um, taking a little
break from our usual sparring.

Look me in the eye, Jane.

I'd rather not.

Jane, look me in the eye and insult me!

Beverly, don't make me.

- "Where's the beef?"
- Please don't say that.

- "Where's the beef?"
- Beverly, stop it!

"Where's the beef?"

That's enough! Okay?

You just... God, you look so old.

And it is so sad.

And I just feel awful for
everything I've ever said to you.

As my mom was hitting a new low...

How far have I fallen?

I was hitting the bongos in
my new role as a beatnik.

Specials.

Carrot soup... tuna...

and truth.

Here's some truth... the tuna
was also yesterday's special.

Read into that what you will.

♪

[Indistinct chatter on television]

- Hey, there he is.
- Yo, daddy-o, how's it cookin'?

You're not at work.
Don't talk like that.

- Dig it.
- Where you going?

"Wheel" is on.

Can't. I gotta bone
up on my diner lingo.

Did you know "Adam and Eve
on a raft" is toast and eggs?

So folksy and unnecessary.

Eh, not sure about this job.

What are you talking about?
This is great for him.

Yeah, he pulled himself
out of his rut so fast.

Erica went ungroomed for months.

We covered that part of my past, Geoff.

I had to buy a horse-mane
brush from the feed shop.

Yep, peaks and valleys. We all got 'em.

Once, I saw her make a Cheetos sandwich.

Before she took a bite she told
it, it was her best friend.

That cheesy, crunchy sandwich

is definitely topping you right now.

First Adam's a beatnik,
next thing you know,

he's sh**ting dice with Lenny
Bruce and the Black Panthers.

That seems like a logical
next step after a diner job,

but the kid has a purpose again.

If you're worried about him,
just go down to the diner.

You'll feel better
seeing Adam working hard.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Also, all this sad sandwich
and horse-brush talk

makes me want to take a break
from you two for a while.

While Pop-Pop was missing me at home,

my mom was missing her youth.

"There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe."

And she was probably younger than me.

[Babbles]

I mean, look at her, so vibrant,

living the dream in her downtown shoe.

That's not how that goes.

How it goes is downhill from here.

Watch Muriel for a sec.

I gotta get her pacifier.

Why are you carrying your purse?

Because that's what old ladies do.

We clutch our purses filled
with Geritol tablets,

frayed bingo cards, and
memories of what was.

Alright, Mom, this is ridiculous.

Just put this down.

Get off me, you whippersnapper.

Whippersnapper?

That's right. That's a word I use now.

That's enough!

You are not that old, and you know it.

And the doctor said your
ankle's back to normal,

so you can stop with the cane.

Okay, well, it doesn't matter.

I feel old.

I'm a grandma, a widow.

It's obvious my best days are behind me.

Oh, stop it.

You're the most energetic, relentless,

and intrusive person I've ever known.

Oh, Barry.

How is it you always know
the exact right thing to say?

What do you say?

We practice a little more

and hit Rhinestones and Roses tonight?

I say yee-haw!

Thanks to Barry, my mom was on a roll,

and I was serving one to
an unexpected customer.

Hey, Pop-Pop!

This roll is stale.

An unexpected and difficult customer.

New one coming up. Good to see you.

- And coffee.
- You got it.

I don't want what's been sitting around.

Fresh pot.

Snap, snap, snap.

An unexpected, difficult,
and rude customer.

And things got worse from there.

That was too close to Marlon Brando.

He changed tables.

Tomatoes are too wet.

He sent back food.

And, Marilyn, you were never
good enough for DiMaggio.

Not even close!

I don't know or care who that is.

And, of course, the service
was not to his liking.

Oh, thanks for remembering me.

I had to yell at that guy

who was dressed like Frank Sinatra.

That's just a guy with blue eyes.

And why are you riding me like this?

What, because I'm your grandfather,

I should let you slack off? Huh?

- With that attitude, you get no tip.
- Fine.

I'll give you a tip instead.
You're bad news, daddy-o.

That's it. Where's Elvis?

I demand to see Elvis!

Love me tender. How can I help you?

This beatnik has no respect.

To think people like me fought in a w*r

so that he could smoke clove cigarettes

and write poems that don't rhyme.

You didn't fight in the w*r.

I said people like me!

Why are you being such a turd right now?

Whoa, Goldnerd, much as I respect you

for treating customers like this,

you can't treat customers like this.

- You're fired.
- What?

- No, I-I didn't mean...
- Save it!

All you wanted was for me to get a job

and learn how to work hard,
then you come here and ruin it?

Thanks a lot, Pop-Pop.

♪

With Barry's help, my mom was ready

to h*nky-tonk the night
away and reclaim her youth.

But she forgot one thing...

Okay, we're off.

Muriel just woke up, and,
uh, she's in a mood. Enjoy.

Wait, you guys are going out?

Remember? You're babysitting?

We have Lou's dumb eye
man award ceremony.

Geoff: He's being honored by

the Professional
Ophthalmologists of Philadelphia.

Yes, the acronym is POOP,

and, no, I don't know
why they don't change it.

So Lou's winning a...?

You know it's a Poopie.

And how would you phrase it if he won?

[Sighs] My dad brought home the Poopie.

Yeah, worth it.

[Sighs]

Well, I guess it's for the best.

I would've just embarrassed
myself again anyway.

Back to being just a grandma.

Maybe there's another option.

[Country music playing]

So they did what any fun,
youthful grandma would do...

Bring a baby to a Country-Western bar.

I need to borrow the mic for a second.

- That's not something we really...
- Yes. Yeah.

[Clears throat]
Attention, h*nky-tonkers.

Barry: Whoo!

The other night,

I made a bit of a fool of myself

here on the dance floor,

and I have to admit, I
was feelin' kind of low.

But then someone reminded me

that just because you
get a little older,

it doesn't mean you're
not still young at heart.

I'd like to dedicate
this first dance to him.

We don't do dedications.

To my son, Bronco Goldberg.

- [Cheers and applause]
- [Laughs]

You may begin the hoedown!

Whoo!

- Yee-haw!
- Whoo-hoo!

This is a terrible idea, Beverly.

You are gonna fall on that baby.

The only thing I'm gonna destroy

is the dance floor.

What?

No. No. I said "fall."

Did you not hear me?

I'm even more concerned now.

And with that, my mom
was back in the saddle...

I'm the first woman to have it all!

While I was still saddled
with disappointment.

You got a second?

Whatever.

I got your job back.

Thanks.

But I still don't understand

why you came in and acted that way.

It was like you were
mad at me or something.

I dunno.

Sort of got used to having you around.

And I thought maybe it didn't mean
as much to you as it did to me.

So... you missed me.

Hey, don't put words in my mouth.

But, yeah, I guess I did.

You could have just said something.

I'm not so good at yapping
about my feelings and whatnot.

It's not what I do.

Well, I think you're doing it right now.

You know, you're pretty
smart for a total idiot.

♪

Getting older can be hard,
no matter what age we are.

[Groans]

Yee-haw!

But the amazing thing is,

that doesn't mean we can't
change for the better.

- Wanna hold her?
- [Gasps] Yes.

Oh!

Oh, she's so precious.

You must be so happy, Beverly.

I am. I really am.

And at least now you've got someone

who's your intellectual equal.

Gasp! Was that a swipe at me?

Thank you, Jane Bales.

Because no matter how many
candles burn on our cake,

what keeps us young is the
fire that burns in our hearts.

♪

And regardless of what age we are,

the lessons we learn along the way

are most special...

- Oh. Aw!
- Ah!

When we share them with
the people we love.

Whoo-hoo!

♪

Erica, recent events
have caused me to realize

that country music is incredibly simple

to write and perform.

That's not even remotely true.

Well, I've written a song
and I want you to record it,

vaulting us both to stardom

as a mother-daughter country duo.

Give it a whirl.

I can whirl it into
the nearest trash can.

I'll finish folding all
of Muriel's laundry.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Bubbe's Waltz."

[Chuckles]

[Strumming guitar]

♪ Drove her wagon down to the farm ♪

♪ Had a cold beer with
some hot shrimp parm ♪

♪ She wears a sweater
and bedazzled boots ♪

♪ She gives nom-noms to
her schmoopie-poops ♪

♪ She's a bubbe baby
with a golden mane ♪

♪ She's a bubbe baby
with looks and brains ♪

♪ She's a bubbe baby
with looks and brains ♪

What do you think?

I think I'm an incredible singer,

and I still can't make this work.