01x04 - Welcome Home

[bunniefuu]

[TEGAN] Would you get down from there?

You're gonna fall and break
your neck or something.

[MAYA] I'm so glad you're
finally done babysitting Sara.

Do you ever get tired of
dropping everything for her?

I became a mom when I was .

And I've just gotten to this
point where I don't want anyone

to need anything from me anymore.

[BARBARA] Why were you and
Sara sleeping like that?

Girls aren't supposed to do that.

God, Mom, I know.

I think we should just
go back to being friends.

[SARA] Are you serious?

[TEGAN] What's wrong?

Can I stay in here with you?

["NO NO NO" BY DEEP PURPLE PLAYS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MAN ON RADIO] About ,
gallons of crude oil spilled...

[CO-WORKER SIGHS] Hey, a
few of us are gonna watch

the Flames game later
tonight, if you wanna come.

Oh, uh, I can't. I have plans.

[MAN ON RADIO] It'll take
about a week to clean up.

The oil spill conditions
in Rochester County...

[MAN ON PA] Store manager to aisle
six. Store manager to aisle six.

[BEEPING]

You want to hear a
joke about paper towels?

[CASHIER] Okay.

Never mind. It's tear-ible.

So, you're not gonna tell me?

No, like, it's tear-ible...

Like, tear.

[BEEPS]

[REGISTER BEEPING]

[SIZZLING]

[GRUNTS]

[MAN ON TV] Even though
these beautiful species

are declining in numbers,

they are still found throughout
the oceans of the world.

The migration paths are often disturbed

by whalers and by the
sound of ocean vessels.

[MAN ON TV] Try doing
that with any other brand.

- You'll receive two extra-large rolls...
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- for the rock bottom low price of . .
- [SIGHS]

[MAN ON TV] That's two rolls for . .

And an extra two... absolutely free.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Hi, Dad.

[TEGAN] Can we come in?

Uh, yeah.

["I BLEED" BY PIXIES PLAYS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[NO DIALOGUE AUDIO]

["I BLEED" BY PIXIES CONTINUES]

[NO DIALOGUE AUDIO]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIMONE] Hey, come
on. Patrick is leaving.

Okay, seriously?

What's wrong?

[SARA] I'm just tired.

[SIMONE] You've been tired for a month.

Are you depressed?

Mom, stop.

Well, forgive me for showing
concern about your mental health.

How about this? If I need your
help, I'll call the crisis line.

Okay. Well, it's good to see
that whatever's going on with you

isn't interfering with
your ability to be rude.

Get up.

[SIGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Do you have a baby carrot?

What?

Yeah, that was a long sh*t.

Um, arms. I need arms.

Um, can I borrow your stick?

What stick?

The one up your ass.

[SIGHS] Is there anything
you wanna talk about?

Did Mom tell you to ask me that?

No, it's just...

I don't know.

I feel like I wanna help you,
but I don't know what to do.

I'm fine.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Have you ever seen a snowman before?

Why is his torso so long?

He has a swimmer's body.

I'm getting sticks.

[MR. GARDNER] I wanna remind you
guys that, uh, we have the auditions

for this year's play
coming up this week.

Uh, it's one of my
favorites, Angry Men...

- Oh, my God.
- [MR. GARDNER] ... and Women.

Oh, and I'm sure the women
are what, prostitutes?

- Or housewives?
- Yeah.

[MR. GARDNER] Well, actually, the
characters, uh, don't have any names,

just numbers.

Juror One, Juror Two, and so on.

So anyone, any gender,
can audition for any part.

["YOUR GHOST" BY KRISTIN HERSH PLAYS]

[GRUNTS]

- I'm not hungry.
- Come on. You have to eat.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- I'll get it.

Hello?

- [MAYA] Sara?
- Hi.

[MAYA] I knew it.

Everybody says you two
are so hard to tell apart,

but I know you weren't Tegan.

Hi, Maya. Hang on.

It's for you.

Hello?

Are you serious?

No, you didn't.

[TEGAN LAUGHS]

What? I can't believe I missed it.

["AN UGLY FACT OF LIFE" BY
EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY PLAYS]

[BEEPING]

[LINE RINGING]

[PHOEBE] Hello?

Hi.

[PHOEBE] Hey, I was
just thinking about you.

- You were?
- [PHOEBE] Yeah.

Um, do you remember that time
that Stacy got her hair caught

in the tent zipper and then
you had to cut a chunk out

of her hair to free her? [LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- [PHOEBE] Yeah. It was crazy.

I didn't know if I should
call or could call or whatever.

[PHOEBE] Of course you can.

I'm glad you did.

Me too.

[PHOEBE] We should hang out.

Sure. Saturday?

[PHOEBE] Oh, um, I can't,
I'm busy on Saturday.

But Sunday? We could meet downtown.

- Yeah, that would be...
- [PHOEBE] And tell Tegan to come too.

- Okay.
- [PHOEBE] Okay. Cool.

I got to go, but I'll see you Sunday.

- Bye.
- [PHOEBE] Bye.

[SIGHS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[ALI] Just don't turn into an assh*le.

I'm not gonna change, but it can't
not have an impact on who I am.

[TEGAN] What are you guys talking about?

I got the lead in Angry Men.

I'm pretty sure there's
not a lead in Angry Men.

The whole point is that it's like, um...

- An ensemble.
- Thank you.

[NATALIE] Whatever. I had an
idea of how we could celebrate

my inevitable superstardom and
bring Sara back from the dead.

- What does that mean?
- [NATALIE] Sara.

You've been moping around
for what feels like years.

And I, for one, I can't take it anymore.

We've got to bring you back
to the world of the living.

And I have just the thing.
There's a rave on Saturday.

- Wait, Calgary has raves?
- Oh, yeah.

- And we're going.
- Who's we?

Do you not know how "we" works?

It's all of us.

Yeah. That could be cool.

No, no way. Raves are illegal.
Mom's never gonna let you go.

Besides, I have plans
with Maya on Saturday.

- You can bring Maya.
- Yeah.

And honestly, just tell your
mom that you'll be at my place.

She wouldn't let us do that either.

- She doesn't know you.
- Well, she can get to know me.

Come on.

Fine.

But I still don't
think it's a good idea.

- Nice.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [KEYBOARD CLANKING]
- [SARA] Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hey.

Wait a second. You're their mom?

But you're like a cool, hot supermodel.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, yet, uh,
somehow I manage to have it all.

- I'm Simone.
- I'm Natalie.

- Hi.
- I'm sorry.

I don't mean to distract you.

They told me that you were
hard at work on your thesis,

which sounds so cool, by the way.

But I was like, "I can't
be a guest in your house

without introducing myself to your mom."

- Can you imagine?
- Yeah, I can, actually. Yeah.

- [LAUGHS]
- So how do you guys know each other?

Oh. Sara and I are in
drama class together.

- [SIMONE] Oh.
- And not to brag,

but I did kind of just get
the lead in a school play,

so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be
scouted, moving to Hollywood soon.

Well, I'm glad that Tegan
and Sara got to know you

- before your meteoric rise to fame.
- [NATALIE CHUCKLES]

But unfortunately I will have to
leave them behind once I've made it.

- Yeah. That's my endgame too.
- [NATALIE CHUCKLES]

Well, I should get back to work.
It was very nice to meet you.

You can come back anytime.

- Thank you.
- [TEGAN] I'll walk you out.

Awesome.

Well, she seems pretty unhinged,

but I do enjoy her.

Yeah, Natalie is really cool.

It's been so great
making a friend like her.

- Good.
- I was actually wondering

if me and Tegan can stay the
night at her house on Saturday.

- Both of you?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. That's...
that's great. That's fine.

Cool. Thanks.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

Guys, is there anything
that we should know?

- What do you mean?
- Like, is it dangerous?

Is there a rave code or something?

What's a rave code?

If I knew the answer to
that, I wouldn't be asking.

[NATALIE] Don't worry about anything.

You're gonna have so much fun,
your face is gonna explode.

Especially because

I got us some little gifts
to have once we get there.

What is this?

That's the thing you said
you never wanted to try.

- Here, I'll take yours.
- Nuh-uh. This is mine.

What? You've been pressuring
me like a bad kid on Degrassi

- and now you don't want me to?
- No, I do. You're gonna love it.

I wish I had a sister to corrupt.

[CHUCKLES]

Is Andrew meeting us there?

Um, we just broke up.

sh*t. I'm sorry.

- It's fine.
- [SARA] I didn't know.

[NATALIE] It's more
than fine. He was boring.

- You think everyone's boring.
- Well, they are.

What about you?

Are you dating anyone?

Guys, which eye do you like
better, this one or this one?

Oh, my God. Neither.
Here, let me fix it.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

This breaks a lot of
Mom's rules about safety.

[NATALIE] Shall we?

I will later.

I wanna make sure you're good first.

Oh, she'll be great.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[TEGAN] Whoa!

There's Maya.

Sara, I'll find you later.

[NATALIE] Oh, hell yeah!

Come on.

Take off your backpack.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, dance!

Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

Yes! [LAUGHS]

Whoo!

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Ali?

Natalie?

- Excuse me.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[LAUGHS] I'm gonna get water.

Sara.

Your dance moves were transcendent.

Are you making fun of me?

I would never, ever make fun of you.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[TEGAN] Where did he get a sandwich?

I think it was in his toque all night!

I saw him just take
it out and take a bite.

That was so casual!

That's actually amazing.

Sandwich toque guy is a god.

I love that your criteria for "god"
is "carries a sandwich in his hat."

- And?
- [ALL LAUGH]

Okay. So two of us can take my bed,

and the other two can
take my brother's old room.

Do you guys have a preference?

It's whatever you think.

Well, Ali and I can take my bed.

Or unless it's a type of thing
where you guys are always together

and you want a break?

And Sara can sleep with Ali
and I can sleep with Tegan,

or, you know, whatever.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, that's fine.

- [DOG BARKING]
- Oh, sh*t.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Sorry.

Yeah, we're sorry.

We didn't want to lie to you.

We just knew you would say no,

and since we weren't going
to be doing anything bad...

Yeah, it was just dancing.

That's all.

We were being really safe.

[TEGAN] Where are you going?

Our house is that way.

I'm taking you to your father's.

I can't even look at you right now.

So you're dumping us off so you
don't have to deal with us anymore?

Real mature, Mom.

Yeah, I know when you're lying
to me, but I look past it.

But tonight, this... this
is just... it's insulting.

You knew that I wanted you to be happy.

You knew I wanted the two of
you to spend time together,

- and then you, what, you exploited that?
- No.

Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly what you did.

You have no idea what I
have to deal with every day.

And the last thing I need is to
be used and manipulated by you two.

Your bullshit is never-ending,

and you seem to do everything
but the things I ask you for.

I'm so... I'm so sick of it!

- Oh, my God, Mom. Relax.
- [BRAKES SCREECH]

- Get out.
- What?

Get out of the g*dd*mn
car. You don't want a mom,

and I really don't want to
be one right now, so get out.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- You're walking the rest of the way.

Get out!

[SIGHS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Well, we're screwed.

I knew we shouldn't have done that.

I'm sorry.

Whatever.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi, Dad.

Can we come in?

[DAVID] Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

["I BLEED" BY PIXIES PLAYS]

[SIMONE] You will not leave this
house for anything other than school.

[MAYA] Sorry you got grounded.

The only thing that really sucks

is not getting to hang with you as much.

But on the flipside,

it makes school something
I'll actually look forward to.

[SARA] Tegan, come in here.

Look.

Whoa.