04x16 - Father's Biography

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

He's here! Dad, he's here.

He just dropped in.

Now remember, don't
anybody else tell him.

I want to do it. Bud,
don't you tell him.

Don't get your
bangs snarled. I won't.

Don't even hint to him.

Oh, Mommy,
where's that invitation?

Never mind. I found it.

You calling me, Kathy?

Yes, but I found it.

Now listen, when Daddy comes in,

don't anybody act like
anything great has happened.

Bud, get off so
Daddy can sit there.

No, you can stay.
Daddy can sit in his chair.

Pretend like you're
reading that magazine.

Margaret, I'm home.

Now listen... I'm telling him.

What a creep.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hello, dear.

Anything new and
startling around here?

Oh, no. Nothing at all.

- Hi, Bud.
- Hi, Dad.

Wait, Daddy.

Wouldn't you like to sit
down in your chair and relax?

Let me get rid of these first.

I'll take them.
You just sit down.

What have you got in this
chair? Thumb tacks? Glue?

Listen, Daddy.

"Mr. James Anderson,
you are cordially invited

"to be the special guest
of your daughter Kathy

at the PTA meeting
honoring all fathers."

PTA meeting? What are you
doing at a parent-teachers affair?

I'm going to read
your biography.

- My biography?
- Which I wrote.

It's a school assignment.

And brother,
wait till you read it.

And you'll be my guest and
sit right up there on the stage.

Big charge.

Isn't that wonderful, Daddy?

Well, yeah. Sounds
great. But this biography...

Is this anything I want read in a
room full of parents and teachers?

Well, you won't be alone.

You'll have two
fellow sufferers.

There'll be two other fathers whose
biographies are going to be read.

Yeah.

Well, why am I one of
them? Exactly what is this?

Well, it seems that...

Kathy, run out in the kitchen
and turn down the chops, will you?

Okay, but don't say anything
important while I'm gone.

We won't.

Kathy's teacher
asked the children

to write a biography
of their father

as a composition assignment.

Evidently, they
turned out so funny,

she showed them
to the other teachers.

Finally, the PTA
president read them,

and she decided
she might use them

to drag a few of you reluctant
fathers to a PTA meeting.

Or keep us away forever.

Oh, it'll be a lot of fun.

I'm warning you, Dad...

I don't think this is anything
you'll want read in public.

Oh, yes, he will.

And Kathy'd never forgive
you if you didn't go with her.

Well, I don't think I'm
going to agree to this

without reading
the biography first.

I'm not sure I want my nefarious
past spread all over town.

Okay, where are we now?

He'll go, but first he
wants to see the biography.

Well, if you insist.

I had planned to
surprise you with it.

That's what I was afraid of.

Well, here it is, Father...

The unexpurgated
story of your life.

Your biographer is asleep,

but I'm sure she won't
mind if you read it.

I don't know whether I
want to read this or not.

Go on.

"Mr. Anderson...
His Life and Times."

[whistles] Pretty
impressive title, I'll say that.

She said if it's good enough
for George Washington,

it ought to be good
enough for you.

Oh, true, true. [chuckles]

"Many years ago,
Mr. Anderson was born."

That's a good place to start.

"His grandmother
claims he weight..."

Weight? W-E-I-G-H-T.

"He weight only pounds.

"Although he outgrew this,

he is still not
what you call fat."

"His boyhood was before my time,

so anything I say about
it will be pure heresy."

Heresy?

She means hearsay.

Wait till you get to the
part about St. Peter.

St. Peter in here, too?

Keep going. You'll come to it.

"When we kids ask him to
drive us someplace in the car,

"he says, 'What's the
matter with you kids?

"'Why, when I was a boy,

"'I used to walk
miles to school...

In feet of snow, barefoot'."

"That is about all I
know about his boyhood,

"except he raised
an albino gopher.

I guess there wasn't
much to do in those days."

Here, you read it.

Ah, let's see. "College life.

"In college, romance
struck him down

"in the person of
Margaret Merrick,

of whom he is still married to."

- Oh, here's the part
where Saint...
- Bud, I know.

"When St. Peter inducts
Mr. Anderson into the pearly gate..."

Inducts? What are they running
up there now, an induction center?

It's a pretty good word
for what she has in mind.

Come on, Betty.

"When St. Peter
inducts Mr. Anderson

"into the pearly gate,

"he will not find
Senator or 'Governtor'..."

G-O-V-E-R-N-T-O-R.

"Or 'Governtor'
wrote after his name,

"but St. Peter
will say to himself,

'Ah, this is a real
square-sided man'."

Can't you just hear
St. Peter saying that?

Oh, now here she
lists your square sides.

Good.

We're getting into your
department, Mother.

"One, religious... Very.

"He goes to church every Sunday

"and never misses,
like, say, to play golf.

"Oh, maybe sometimes,

but he does not cheat or swear."

Well, that's something.

"There is lots more
I could write about

"this tall, kindly man,

but I will summit up."

Summit... S-U-M-M-I-T.

"I will summit up by saying

"when St. Peter gets
done with my father,

"he will lower his
eyes on him and say,

"'Mr. Anderson, you are okay.

Come on in'."

The end.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You know, I do think we
ought to fix it up a little bit

before she reads
it that night...

Make it a little bit
more complimentary.

No, no.

Dad, don't you want to have
a little better record to present

when you get to the big
induction center upstairs?

No, I wouldn't
change one word of it.

Hey, what's all the laughing
about? You woke me up.

Oh, did you read it?

Do you think they'll
like it at the PTA?

I certainly do.

I've never read
anything like it.

Never.

And I thank you
for every word in it.

Every wonderful word.

[doorbell rings]

Well, for heaven's sake.
John Rosser. Come on in.

Hello, Margaret. I
can't stay but a moment.

I just came to enlist your help

in a deep plot
against your husband.

- Against?
- Well, not really. For.

I was just up to his office

to invite him to our next
Chamber of Commerce meeting.

I've tried this before,

but something always
prevents him from coming.

I know what you mean.
Come on in and sit down.

No, really, I can't.

Frankly, Margaret, this is more

than just trying to get
him to become a member.

Some of us have our eye on him

for the next President
of the Chamber.

Oh, really?

How did he react to that?

I haven't told
him that part yet.

I didn't want to scare him off.

You know how Jim is.

He never pushes himself.

You're so right.

He could be a very
important man in this town.

This presidency could
do him a lot of good.

I'm sure of it.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Make sure he comes
to that meeting.

I'll do the rest...

Get him acquainted,
get him on a committee...

And then in the
next three months,

he'll stand a good chance
to step in as president.

But the first thing to do
is get him to that meeting.

- Don't worry. He'll be there.
- Good.

I'm with you, John.

We'll put him where he
belongs, in spite of himself.

- Thanks, Margaret.
- Goodbye, John.

Oh, boy. President.

I'm going to put
this in the biography.

No, now wait. He's
not president yet.

I have a little spade
work to do first.

I better start spading
as soon as he gets home.

How did things go
at the office today?

Oh, about the same as always.

I told Miss Thomas about
the biography Kathy wrote...

Anything unusual
happen at the office?

No. She got quite
a kick out of it.

Um, have any
interesting visitors today?

No. The usual run of people.

What did he want?

What did who want?

Oh, I don't know.

You said you had an
interesting visitor today.

I did?

You mentioned
something about it.

No, I didn't say anything.

Oh, I'll tell you someone who
did drop in today... John Rosser.

John Rosser. Well,
for heaven's sake.

You're going, aren't you?

Going where?

Well, how should I know?

I wasn't there.

All right, come
on. Let's have it.

What do you know about this?

Uh, about what?

Come on, tell me.

All right, I'll tell you.

The reason you were invited to
join the Chamber of Commerce

is they want you
for their president.

What?

See there, you're
backing away already.

That's why I wasn't
going to tell you yet,

and that's why
John didn't tell you.

Wait a minute, how
do you know all this?

John was here today.

He came to ask me to urge
you to go to the meeting.

Oh, ganging up on me, huh?

Now wait a minute, Jim.

John's a good friend of yours.

He thinks a great deal of you.

In fact, a lot of men do,

and they could do
you a lot of good

if you just let them.

This would be quite an honor.

Oh, I know that,

but I'm hardly Chamber
President material.

How do you know
if you don't try?

Now Jim, I'm not a
pushing, ambitious-type wife,

but I do think it is high time

you started thinking a
little bit about yourself

instead of always putting
everyone else ahead of you.

- Oh, I...
- Yes, you do.

You'll find time to knock
yourself out for the children,

for Fronk the
gardener, for everyone,

and what do you do for yourself?

Nothing.

Well, actually, I...

Jim, you deserve a little
something for yourself.

John says you could be a very
important man in Springfield,

and I think you owe it to
yourself to be one. I really do.

And we'd be awfully
proud of you, too.

Well, I think...

I don't want to hear
any of your arguments.

- But wait a minute. I think you're right.
- What?

I've been thinking about
this sort of thing lately,

and I feel, too, that I should
move up a notch or two.

Yes, you really should.

Now that I think about
it, I like John's idea.

That's a good place
to start, as president.

Now can I write it
in the biography?

Oh, you knew about this too?

Well, after all, she's
your biographer.

"Prominent among the guests

to be introduced at the
Chamber of Commerce meeting

will be James B. Anderson."

You'll have to go to
the meeting now, Father.

Oh, yeah. I'm hooked.

How does it feel to
be a big sh*t, Prez?

I'm not Prez yet.

You will be.

I'm not even a member yet.

Don't let a little thing
like that stop you.

They've got me
in office already.

Hey, this can't be.

It says the Chamber of Commerce
meeting is tomorrow night.

That's the same night
as the PTA meeting.

Daddy's supposed to go with me.

Oh, my heavens.
I didn't realize.

Look, angel, I know what a
disappointment this is to you,

but we must remember...
You stay out of this.

This Chamber of Commerce deal

is very, very important
to your father.

A lot depends on it.

You wouldn't want to hurt
his chances, would you?

Well, no, of course not, but...

Look, I...

We all feel very
badly about this,

especially your father.

It's all right. I understand.

Of course you do, angel.

Now you run upstairs
and wash your face,

so you won't be late for school.

We'll talk some more
about this later on.

It's okay.

Look, honey, I...

I know exactly how you feel.

I feel badly, too.

But this meeting
is important to you,

and what's important to
you is important to all of us.

I think Kathy understands that.

Why does everything have
to come at the same time?

I better go and have
a talk with Kathy.

No, you go to work
and stop worrying.

And if you even mention
skipping that meeting,

I'll... Well, I'll hit you

on the top of the
head with your banjo.

Then you'll be lopsided
instead of square-sided.

Will you tie me, Daddy?

Oh.

Well, I don't guarantee
first-class results.

Whatever you do,

don't tell your audience
tonight I did this job.

It'd ruin the whole biography.

Oh, I'm going to.

I'm going to say
you can't be there

because you're still at home,

trying to figure out how
to tie your shoestrings.

I thought you were going to say

I had to go looking
for my albino gopher.

Well, come along,
Kathy. We'd better...

Oh, who tied this bow?

Well, you can't expect a big
president-type fellow like me

to fool around with
little stuff like bows.

Mother, Kathy, hurry.

We have to go or we'll be late.

We're coming.

Good luck tonight, dear.

I'll be thinking of you.

Do a great job tonight, kitten.

I'll be there
with you in spirit.

Kathy, hurry.

Honey, just a minute.

Darn it, I should go
with Kathy tonight.

No, Jim.

Did you see her face?

She'll bear up very well.

Don't underestimate her.

You have yourself to think
about tonight, for once.

Yes, but I...

Don't you think Kathy
wants to be proud of you?

Don't you think we all do?

And remember, you'll want to
have a decent record to show

when St. Peter inducts
you into the pearly gate.

Mother.

Bye.

And as you know if
you read your bulletin...

And I hope you do read them...

We are honoring fathers tonight.

Now, if you fathers think

we did this just to lure
you to a PTA meeting,

you're absolutely right.

But we hope you fathers
will enjoy yourselves so much

that you'll come back again.

We need you at the meetings.

I wish Kathy
would smile a little.

I knew she'd miss him,
but I hoped not this much.

Maybe she'll brighten up
when she starts to read.

She's quite a ham, you know.

Now tonight, we
have a wonderful treat.

The children in
Miss Cervey's class

wrote biographies
of their fathers,

and they were so interesting

that we picked the three
best to be read tonight.

Our first young biographer
is Sheila Groves.

All right, Sheila.

Oh.

First I want to introduce you...

Introduce my father to you.

Daddy, come up on the stage.

This is he, uh, him.

My daddy.

"My Father. He
was born on a farm,

"and they had two cows
and numerable chickens.

"In boyhood, he fell
off a hay rack once

and broke his arm somewhat."

Oh, Jim.

Charlie, I think you know
Jim Anderson here, don't you?

Oh, sure, sure.
We met somewhere.

I think Jim's going to join us.

You know, as a matter of fact,

we may get him
to fill that vacancy

on the finance committee.

Finance? Well, I don't know.

Maybe we'd better get
him fingerprinted first.

Thank you, Sheila.

Very good.

Our second youthful biographer

is Master Neil Coy. Neil.

Come on up, Pop.

This is my Pop,

and he's a good guy, too.

Okay, Pop. Sit over there.

"My Father's Life.

"My father's name is Mr. Coy.

"Up to when I was
about years old,

I don't remember
too much about him."

I tell you, it's a
wonderful place to fish.

It's just off the highway, but
nobody seems to know it's there.

You know that gas
station near Twin Pines?

Sure.

- You turn off...
- Excuse me, gentlemen.

I think we'd better go on in.

Oh, all right. Excuse us.

Oh, by the way,

have either of you seen
Frank Coy this evening?

I haven't seen him.

Oh, I know. He went to
some kind of a PTA meeting.

PTA meeting?

Yes, his boy wrote a
biography about him,

and the kid's going
to read it tonight.

And you know Frank.
He wouldn't miss anything

connected with his
kids for a million bucks.

This is an important meeting.

He should have
been here tonight.

Jim, aren't you coming in?

Oh, yeah. Sure, John.

"Once, he signed up
for a big freight boat

"to around the world and
have a wonderful time.

Instead, he got married."

"He has lots of muscles, too.

"He can wrestle me down easy,

"which is pretty good
for an old man like he is.

The end."

Fine, Neil.

And now our last but
not least biographer,

Kathy Anderson.

Oh, I wish she'd brighten up.

She will if she gets
a couple of laughs.

There are different
kinds of fathers.

Some are important,
and some aren't so much.

Some are so important,

they can't just drop
everything and go every place.

Now, my father, he's...

Daddy!

Come on, hurry!

This is my father.

Aren't you important anymore?

No.

Boy, I'm glad you're here.

Sit over there.

"Mr. Anderson...
His Life and Times.

"Many years ago,

"Mr. Anderson was born.

- His grandmother claims
he weighed only pounds."
- [mouths silently]

"Although he outgrew this,

he's still not
what you call fat."

[thinking] What does
it do to talk to you?

You throw all your chances away.

Fine showing
you're going to make

at St. Peter's induction center.

[thinking] Don't look
at me that way, honey.

Don't be mad.

I know you think I'm a failure.

Maybe I am, but...
Well, I can't explain this.

Just seems like
there are certain things

a fellow feels he must...

No, I can't explain it.

"about his boyhood, except
he raised an albino gopher.

"When St. Peter
inducts Mr. Anderson

"into the pearly gate,

he will not find
Senator or Governor..."

I have that to worry about, too.

If I can't explain it
to you, Margaret,

how will I ever be able
to explain it to St. Peter?

What a day that will be.

Probably keep me waiting
outside on a hard bench.

All right, Mr. Anderson.
You may come in now.

Please be seated. He'll
be with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Did you bring your...

Oh, yes. Yes, I did.

Good luck.

Anderson. His life and times.

Born. Weight... only pounds.

Still not fat.

Walked in snow barefoot.

Raised albino gopher.

Hm.

No Senator or..."Governtnor."

Square-sided.

Washed dishes.

Never missed church for
golf, except sometimes.

Paid bills.

You know, Mr. Anderson,

that is not a very
impressive record.

No, sir. But...

Well, that's it, sir.

[clears throat]

Where did you ever
find an albino gopher?

Oh, that. Well, you see...

[clears throat] Never
mind. Doesn't matter.

That's here on your record.

We chart the course of
you fellows through life,

and I notice an
odd pattern in yours.

Every time you were headed
for something important,

you took a detour. For example,

here you were headed for the
presidency of some Chamber of Commerce,

and instead you went to
some kind of a PTA fun affair.

Oh, yes. I remember
that well, sir.

That was a difficult choice.

Naturally it was difficult.
It's part of our master plan.

We do that purposefully.

We keep throwing difficult
choices in your path to test you,

and it's the decisions you make

that shape you
into what you are.

Now tell me,

why did you throw away the
presidency of the Chamber of Commerce

for one single PTA meeting?

Well, you see...

You can look down there yourself

and see what a crying need
there is for good leaders.

Oh, I'm well aware of that, sir.

But maybe I was
never meant for that.

You see, that evening, I...

I suddenly felt very lonely.

I think I see now
what the choice was.

A man could be great and lonely,

or he could be ordinary

and have the warmth
of companionship.

Margaret... That's my wife...

She thought I made
the wrong choice.

Now that it's all over,

did you get anything
that one evening

that compensated you
for all you threw away?

Oh, yes, sir.

Something I've carried
with me ever since that night.

Oh? What was that?

The look on Kathy's face

when she saw me
coming down the aisle.

Oh, you should
have seen it, sir.

Do you mean to say

that one look on
a little girl's face

made throwing away
your chances worthwhile?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Anderson, you are okay.

Come on in.

"'Mr. Anderson, you are okay.

"Come on in'.

The end."

Thank you, Kathy.

Well, we lost our
Chamber President,

but Kathy sure
got what she wants.

I've got what I want, too,

just as he is.

Every wonderful
square side of him.

I could even love
his albino gopher.