04x27 - A Friend in Need

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

[doorbell rings]

[ding dong]

- [Margaret] Jim.
- Hm?

The doorbell just rang.

- [Jim grunting]
- [ding dong]

There it is again.

Oh, who could be calling
at this time of night?

Whoever it is, tell them
to come back tomorrow.

: in the morning.

Hey, what's going on?

Bud, someone's
at the front door.

See who it is, will you, please?

Sure. Good
old-natured, reliable Bud.

He'll get up in the
middle of the night

and see who's at the door.

He'll face the
terrors of the night,

challenge the dangers
lurking in the shadows.

Bud, you don't have
to open the door.

Just look out the window
and see who's there.

I thought Dad was
supposed to be the guardian

of our hearth and home.

For Pete's sake, who's
calling this time of night?

I don't know, dear.
Bud's gone down to see.

That ought to scare
anybody away.

Who was it, Bud?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a dog.

- [Margaret, Betty groan]
- Is that all?

Honestly.

Just a dog?

[grunts]

Who was it, Margaret?

Oh, nobody, just a dog.

Did you say a dog?

Uh-huh.

Margaret, dogs
don't ring doorbells.

You know, I never
thought of that.

[whines]

Well, hello.

You see? I told
you it was a dog.

Bud, I know a dog
when I see one.

What I don't know is,
what is he doing here?

- [whines]
- Aw.

[Margaret] I wonder
where he came from.

And why he chose our porch.

Sure too bad he can't talk.

Bud, did you leave the
porch light on again tonight?

Could be.

There you are. The
mystery's solved.

Our light was the
only light on the street.

The dog was attracted
to it, so here he is.

You better go on home, boy.

You aren't going to
send him away, are you?

- We can't keep him here.
- Why not?

Because he doesn't belong to us.

That's why.

Okay, go on.

How can you turn
a helpless dog out

into the cold, bitter night?

It isn't cold,
and it isn't bitter,

and he certainly
doesn't look helpless.

He looks like a well-kept,
well-adjusted dog.

How would you feel if
someone turned you out

in the middle of the night?

Yeah, how would you?

If I rang someone's doorbell

at : in the morning,
like that dog did, I...

The doorbell.

Dog can't ring a doorbell.

It isn't possible, is it?

You know, Kippy's got a
friend who knows a dog

that can open a latch on a gate.

And there's a dog on television
that can add and subtract.

- That doesn't explain...
- Margaret, I don't want
to discuss it anymore.

A dog ringing a doorbell.

The whole thing's ridiculous.

Come on, I have to get
up early in the morning.

He looks so sad.

[Betty] Man's best friend,

and we turn him down
in his hour of need.

Gee, Dad, this
doesn't sound like you.

Look, I love dogs
as much as anybody,

but I'm trying to be logical
and intelligent about this.

It wouldn't be fair to
bring that dog in here.

His owner's probably
looking for him right now.

I'm sure your father's right.

After all, the dog
doesn't look too hungry.

I suppose he can
dig up an old bone

that some other dog
has stashed away.

An old, moldy crust of bread

out of a garbage can.

[Margaret] Now,
don't worry, children.

The dog will get along
some way, somehow.

Bud, you can turn
out the porch light now.

Let's all go to bed.

I'm sure your father
knows what he's doing.

Don't you, dear?

Look, Margaret, if
he's really hungry,

[Bud] I'll get some water.

I still don't think
it's a good...

idea.

Okay, come on in.

He knows by the tone of
your voice you don't mean it.

It's all right. Come in.

Come on.

Gee whiz, what's
going on anyhow?

Look, a dog.

Is he ours, Daddy?

Definitely not.

He's wearing a collar,
Jim, but no identification tag.

He's beautiful.

I think we owe him an apology.

Oh, sure we do.

His name is Duchess.

- [whines]
- Well, I'm glad
to know you, Duchess.

Me, too, Duchess.

Here, this ought to help.

It'll tide you over anyhow.

Oh, boy, Daddy, are we
going to keep her forever?

I should say not.

We're going to feed
her, and that's that.

Good morning, dear.
Time for breakfast.

[Jim] Which one of
us eats breakfast first?

You do, Jim, naturally.

[loudly] If anyone had told...

[softly] If anyone had told me

I'd be sharing my
bedroom with a strange dog,

to say nothing of
playing nursemaid...

You see, dear, life
is full of surprises.

Poor dear.

She's sound asleep.

She must be exhausted.

So am I.

You know, Jim,

there's something about Duchess,

a certain dignity.

I wish we knew more about her,

where she came from,
what she's thinking about.

♪♪ [circus calliope]

There you are, my good people.

Isn't she wonderful?

And for a performance well done,

a suitable reward...

a bit of filet mignon.

[laughing]

And an appetizer

of the only life-prolonging
health elixir in the world.

There you are, Duchess.

You may partake of
this magnificent fluid.

[laughing, murmuring]

You see, she's a very smart dog.

She prefers the
elixir to filet mignon.

Oh, go on.

My friends, seeing is believing.

Go on, Duchess.

You may eat the steak, too.

Ah.

And now, my good friends,

you, too, may share

in this life-prolonging,
health-giving essence.

What's in it, colored water?

Indeed, it contains
colored water,

colors straight
from the rainbow,

something not easy to come by.

He ought to let the
dog do more of the act.

Oh, but that isn't all

that this wonder
formula contains.

Each bottle contains
a drop of dew

taken from the pedal of a rose

found only in the
hidden valleys of Utopia,

to say nothing of
a dram of spirits

from the Fountain
of Youth itself,

and all, all for the incredible,
unbelievable pittance of...

Tell it to the Marines.

One... one dollar.

Duchess, it appears to me

that the people
of this generation

have lost their
powers of imagination,

or maybe we've just
run out of rainbows.

[sirens approaching]

It's just possible, Duchess,

the minions of the
law are upon us.

In any event, we
shall take the hint.

I dislike these
undignified leave-takings,

but we have little choice.

To your battle station, Duchess.

In the vernacular
of the Old West,

let's make a run for it.

[engine starts]

[screeches]

[barking]

Disturbing the peace,

operating a vehicle
without a license.

Whether or not I was
disturbing the peace

is debatable.

As for operating
without a license,

I must be guilty...

temporarily.

I'm sorry,

but that'll be $...

temporarily.

Or, if you prefer,

the magistrate
can arrange for you

to be our guest for two days.

Oh, no, I can't stay.

You see, I must find Duchess.

She'll be expecting me.

Duchess?

My companion of the
highways and the byways.

Duchess is my dog.

Don't worry.

You'll find that our
city's well supplied

with the finest dog pound.

Dog pound?

She'll be picked up, fed...

Duchess wouldn't survive
two days in a dog pound.

She must be
understood and loved,

and that's the way
she's been brought up.

You wouldn't want anything
to happen to her, would you?

Look, you know as well as I do

that there's a city ordinance

about that contraption of yours.

Duchess is a very unusual dog.

Believe me.

Then if she's so unusual,

maybe she can figure out
a way to raise bail for you.

Next case, please.

But, Sergeant, I...

[tower bell ringing]

How does this ad sound?

"Found a dog. Answers
to the name of Duchess."

Oh, I wouldn't say that, dear.

Why not?

You shouldn't give out
too much information.

Anybody might claim her.

That's right, Daddy,
especially her owner.

I want to find her owner.

Yeah, but you don't have
to make it too easy, do you?

Say, why don't you put
the ad in the foreign papers?

How's this?

"Found... a dog...

"in the vicinity of
Fourth and Maple.

Call Jim Anderson,
Poplar -."

Well, I guess it's all right.

Hey, that's our number.

Look, I want you all to
get this through your heads.

I'm trying to be a good citizen.

The law, as well
as my conscience,

demands that I
extend every effort

to find the owner of this dog.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'll drop this ad
off at the papers

and hope that the
real owner of Duchess

will see it...

and call us.

Here you are, Professor,

a little food to cheer you up.

- No, thank you.
- But you've got to eat.

My good man, I
do not have to eat.

That happens to
be one personal right

which I may accept or reject.

That must be quite
a dog you've got.

- She's magnificent.
- What kind is she?

I think you would call
her a... a worldly dog.

I know what you mean.

I've got a worldly dog, too.

Is she smart?

- She's brilliant.
- Loyal?

The word has yet to be invented

to describe her
loyalty and devotion.

If you was to get out of here,

how would you know
where to find her?

Duchess knows I
will be looking for her.

All I would have to do

is drive up and down
the streets of this city

playing the music
that is so dear to her,

and if she's within ten miles,

she'll go through stone walls

to get to me.

I would find her.

I was just thinking.

You've already served
one day of your sentence,

so that leaves us
until : tonight

until you're free,

which means six
more hours to go.

It's a long time.

Without Duchess,

a veritable eternity.

Ah, hello, honey.

Hello, dear.

Any answers to our ad today?

I don't know. I wasn't
home most of the day.

Margaret, how can the dog's
owner get in touch with us

if no one's here to
answer the phone?

I suppose I should've
stuck around,

but I wanted to get
Duchess her own dish.

It took a little while to
have her name put on it.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

I'm getting too fond of a dog
that belongs to somebody else.

That's right.

But how can I help it?

How can anyone help
falling completely in love

with that wonderful,
ridiculous dog.

You'll just have
to try, Margaret.

You have to be strong,

and you might remember that
Duchess belongs to somebody else

who feels much deeper
about her than you.

Look, Duchess, old girl,

I don't mind you
being in a chair,

but this happens to be my
own, personal favorite chair.

Oh, Jim, if she's
comfortable in your chair,

let her have it.

After all, she's our guest.
I'll go fix your dinner.

- Hello, Father.
- Oh, hello, B...

Oh, hi, Duchess. Oh,
I missed you today.

I thought you had
a sorority meeting.

I did, but I wanted to get home
and take Duchess for a walk

before Bud did.

I'll go change clothes
and be right back.

Hi, Daddy. Oh, hello, Duchess.

Oh, golly, I was afraid somebody
might've answered that old, mean ad,

and you wouldn't be here.

Look what I bought for you,

and out of my allowance, too.

Duchess! Du...

Ah, there you are.

I sure am glad
you're still here.

No one answered
the ad, huh, Dad?

No on did, huh, Bud.

Don't get your hopes up.

Hey, look what I got for you.

Genuine leather.

- Oh, it's beautiful, Bud.
- Made it myself.

Hey, you stick around. I'll
grab myself a glass of milk,

and I'll take you for a walk.

I think your sister already made
an engagement with Her Highness.

Yeah, but you know why Betty
likes to take Duchess for a walk.

When she does, all the
boys stop and admire her.

- Who, Betty?
- Are you kidding?

Duchess, Natch.

She's using you, that's what.

Now you look beautiful,

all brushed and a new leash.

I'll go and get you a
piece of dog candy.

You've really got everybody

wound around that paw
of yours, haven't you?

Well, I want you
to know one thing.

You haven't got me in
the clutches of your heart.

Duchess, I...

wouldn't want
anybody to know this,

but I hope no one
answers that ad either.

♪♪ [circus calliope]

[whistling]

Duchess. Duchess.

Duchess.

Sure looks like nobody's
going to answer that ad.

If someone should
call, I want you to...

[phone rings]

[rings]

Phone's ringing.

So it is.

- [ringing]
- It's probably a wrong number.

Yeah, people dial wrong
numbers all the time.

Well, someone has
to answer the phone.

I'll get it! I'll get it!

Hello?

Dog?

Yes, we found a dog.

Well, she's a him.

She's got long, wavy hair,

cut like a poodle.

Color? Kind of
polka-dotted, all colors.

Kathy.

What did you want
me to do, Daddy,

tell the truth and lose Duchess?

Give me the phone.

This is Jim Anderson speaking.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, I... I guess you'd
call her a mixed breed.

No. No, believe me,

our Duchess doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to a Dachshund.

[laughs] That's
perfectly all right.

You didn't disturb us at all,
and I hope you find your dog.

Goodbye.

Oh, what a shame, no owner.

Oh, boy, Duchess isn't
going to leave us after all.

[overlapping chatter]

I'll make another sandwich.

Now, wait. Let's
not get carried away.

We seem to forget that
this dog has an owner

and that he's
probably heartbroken.

My advice to you
is to steel yourselves

against becoming
too fond of Duchess.

Otherwise, when it becomes
necessary to part with her,

you'll find it...

find it difficult...

extremely difficult.

♪♪ [calliope approaching]

What's the matter, Duchess?

The weird music
probably hurts her ears.

- [barking]
- Sounds like one of those
old-fashioned circus calliopes.

Whatever it is, she
certainly doesn't like it.

Duchess, Duchess, take it easy.

It'll go away in a few minutes.

- [barking]
- Come back here.

[overlapping shouting]

[Kathy] Duchess!

- [shouts]
- Hey!

[overlapping shouts]

- [barking]
- Duchess.

My crazy Duchess.

Okay.

Duchess, my Duchess, my Duchess.

[leash knocking]

Kathy.

Bud, stop that.

I'm sure Duchess
would've liked it, Bud,

but she was in such a hurry.

I was hoping she'd
come back for it.

She'll never be back.

Not never?

Why should she come back?

We certainly can have no doubt

that Duchess belongs
to the Professor.

Well, she loves us, too.

She told me so.

Oh, I'm sure she does, angel,

but you must remember
that the Professor's had her

ever since she was a puppy.

She's his dog.

You know, in all the excitement,

we forgot to ask the Professor
the most important question.

We still don't know if
Duchess can ring doorbells.

I didn't forget.

I didn't want to know,

but I can tell you what
I'd like to think happened.

I'd like to think that Duchess,

lost from her master, was
trotting along the street,

looking for a friend.

She looked up and saw our house.

The porch light was on.

The house looked
warm and inviting.

It looked like the kind of house

that might have
some nice people in it,

so she sat there
for a few seconds,

then made up her mind.

- And ran up to our porch.
- And saw the doorbell.

And maybe put her
paw on the button.

And rang the bell.

[doorbell rings]

Hello.

Evening, Mr. Anderson.

I hope I didn't frighten you.

- Oh.
- We thought you were a dog.

- Huh?
- It's a long story.

What can we do for you?

We're holding a
Professor van Deering

down at the station and...

- Does he have a dog with him?
- Oh, yes.

- Is she all right?
- We'd be very glad
to take care of her.

Don't worry about the dog.

You'll never separate
her and the Professor.

Then what's the problem.

Before the old codger
can get a license,

he needs a character reference,

and he said he knew you.

You know him?

Well, not personally,

but, um...

we have a friend who
knows him very well.

A very close friend.

And this friend...

speaks very highly of him.

Well, that's good enough for me.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Come on.

Jim, I think you
can turn it out now.