05x11 - Bud, the Snob (Flashback)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Father Knows Best". Aired: October 3, 1954 - May 23, 1960.*
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The series, which began on radio in 1949, follows the lives of the Andersons, a middle-class family living in the town of Springfield.
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05x11 - Bud, the Snob (Flashback)

Post by bunniefuu »

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Announcer] Robert Young.

And Jane Wyatt.

(children giggling)

With Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, and Lauren Chapin

in Father Knows Best.

- I'm letting you be first in line, Laurie,

to go with me to the dance Friday.

And you'd better grab fast or you'll miss the brass ring.

(audience laughs)

Oh no, I have to know right now.

This offer is good until midnight only.

Well too bad, you've hadyour chance, so long.

(audience laughs)

- Bud, is that any way to ask a girl for a date?

- It's the only way, Dad.

Otherwise, they think they can wrap you

around their little finger.

- You call her back and apologize.

- Apologize.

- Yes sir, you keep up those tactics

and you'll lose all yourfriends, me included.

Now you call her.

- But dad, I!

(audience laughs)

Mom, I can't call her and apologize.

I'd lose my prestige.

- [Margaret] I'm sure your father's right.

- But he doesn'tunderstand this!

His ideas were okay in the dim past,

but nowadays a guy has to use psycho-logy.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I can recall a few times when your father

used psychology on you quite successfully,

particularly during that tragic period in your life

when you couldn't talk to girls on the phone

or any other way.

- [Bud] Who, me?

- You.

When a girl came near, you froze, petrified.

It was so bad, girls decided that you were a snob.

- Me, a snob?

When was that?

- Four years ago.

- Oh, we were all upsetto hear you were a snob.

Betty wanted to go right to work on you,

but your father was afraid you might be touchy

about the subject, so when he heard you coming, he warned us

not to even mention the word snob.

(dreamy harpsichord music)

- Why's everybodylooking at me so funny?

- Oh.

- Bud, how'd you find out you were better

than everybody?

- [Margaret] Kathy!

(audience laughs)

- I didn't say he was a snob.

(audience laughs)

- Bud, we've heardrumors that that school,

they think that you're--

- So what?

- Bud, wait!

- Well, we certainly fixed that up.

- What do you suppose has come over him?

- I don't know what's come over him,

but I know what I'm gonna do about it.

- I'll handle this.

- Yes father.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughs)

- Time for dinner.

- I'm not hungry hardly.

- I can see you lost your appetite.

You feel okay?

- I guess so.

- You didn't finish telling about the baseball game.

How'd it come out?

- Oh, I forget now.

- Sounds like an exciting game.

(audience laughs)

Hey, how 'bout that.

I bet I can get more in out of five than you can.

- Probably can.

- Some girl in your school came up with a crazy idea

that you don't speak to anyone.

- I don't know how a rumor like that could get started.

- I do.

- Oh.

Kind of rough on a guy's reputation.

Got a reason?

- Sure.

A guy doesn't want to talk to a bunch of girls.

- I see.

Four for me.

b*at that.

Just what is it youdon't like about girls?

- Ah, they're so...

Darn it, dad, I wanna talk to girls.

I wanna real bad.

But I just get all tongue-tied.

- I see.

- My collar gets tight and my face gets red.

- You wish you could drop right through the floor.

- How'd you know?

- (Laughs) Bud, this is perfectly normal.

Every boy goes through this.

- Not Claude Messner.

- I said every normal type boy.

- You oughtta see old Claude.

He just walks up to a girl

and just starts talking right off.

He doesn't really say much,

but he sure says it easy.

- You can too.

- No, I'll never be a Claude Messner.

- Well I hope not.

Gosh, I remember when I went through this.

The only way I could talk to girls was over the phone.

Oh, I was a real whiz on the phone.

But put me face to face with a girl and I was petrified.

Huh, there's no getting around it.

I was a real big dope.

- Did you ever get over it?

(audience laughs)

- Certainly, and you can too, Bud.

All you have to do is relax and be yourself.

Have a little confidence.

You have everything you need.

Personality, good looks, intelligence.

- Who me?

- Of course.

All you have to do is use them.

- How 'bout giving it atry at school tomorrow?

Okay?

- I'll try.

I'm serious, Claude, howdo you talk to girls?

- Well kid, the way I do is I,

well I take and, uh,

well first off, you gotta have charm.

- Yeah.

What's that.

- Well it's like, let's say, when you take and, uh,

well either you got it or you ain't.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, so what else can I try?

- Well then you sweep 'em, see.

Dominate 'em.

You womp up a line that hits 'em right between the eyes.

- Yeah, what do I do after I womp up?

- Well then you roll man, roll.

Got it?

- I don't think so.

- Look you, I'll tell you what to do.

We'll find a girl and you watch, come on.

- Well not now, let's wait.

- Come on, you ain'tgetting any younger boy.

(audience laughs)

Well kid, I'm afraid most of the chicks

have gone home to roost by this time.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Hi gorgeous.

Got a match?

- Oh, cut it out Claude.

I gotta get these to the library.

- Wait a minute, Aggie.

I got a great idea.

Let's choose up sides and go barefooted.

- Why don't you give yourself up.

- Aggie, wait!

Well kid, you get the idea?

- Well, sort of.

- All it is is charm.

- Well yeah, I can see that.

But it'd never work for me.

- Sure it would.

All you gotta do is...

Wait, here's your chance.

Hi Liz, Bud here wants to talk to you.

- You wanted to talk to me, Bud?

- Well, I.

- What did you wanna say?

(audience laughs)

- You wanna go barefooted?

(audience laughs)

- Well kid, how'd it go?

- Shut up.

(audience laughs)

- The kid just ain't got charm.

- Hi Bud, wanna have some fun?

- No I don't!

- Kathy!

Kathy, you've got your dolls spread all over the.

Oh dear, are you dragging all that stuff out again.

What stuff?

- This stuff.

- Gosh, I wonder how that got on there.

Must've fallen off the shelf.

- Now, I want you to put it all away and leave it there

until next Halloween.

I'm tired of picking up those.

- [Betty] Mother, is Bud home?

- I don't think so.

- Yes, he is.

Ran right upstairs real grouchy.

- Well I got an idea.

I heard father telling how when he was a boy,

he couldn't talk face to face to girls,

but over the phone he was a real whiz.

So I thought the same psychology might work on Bud.

- Now Betty, your father told you to leave Bud alone.

I think he's right.

- Oh, it can't hurt to try.

And besides, I've already arranged

with Virginia to call him.

- Well you can just un-arrange it, because I'll--

(phone rings)

- Too late now.

Hello?

Oh, hello Virginia.

Yeah, he's home.

Hold on.

Bud!

- Betty, Betty, wait a minute.

- Shh!

Bud, telephone!

- Oh boy, I'm gonna get on the extension and listen.

- [Margaret] No you're not!

You're gonna put that stuff away!.

- Oh gosh, can't have any fun.

- [Betty] Bud!

- Who is it?

- Don't know, hurry up.

- Hello?

- Well say something, dopey.

- It's a girl.

- Right.

What's she saying?

- She asked me how I am.

(audience laughs)

- Answer her.

- I can't think of an answer.

- Are you still there, Bud?

- Well don't just standthere, say something.

- Uh, I, goodbye!

(audience laughs)

- Now why did you do that?

You've hurt the poor girl's feelings.

- Leave me alone, will ya!

- You can't keep running away.

It's time to get over this! - Let go of me!

- [James] Well, what round is this?

- [Bud] She--

- Virginia called up, and he hung up on her.

- I thought you didn't know who it was.

- Well, it sounded like Virginia.

- Mmhm, who put her up to the call in the first place?

- Yeah, what about that?

- Betty, I thought I told you to stay out of this.

(doorbell rings)

- I know you, this is another one of your tricks!

(playful orchestral music)

- You can't hide in thebasement all your life!

(audience laughs)

- You mean you didn't come to see Bud?

- Oh no, Mr. Anderson, I just wanna sell you

some of my camp girl cookies.

- Oh oh, I see.

Alright, well I betterget rid of these things.

- Oh, why don't you put them in the closet, father?

- Yeah, that's a logical place.

- Do come in, Marsha.

- Whoa!

Who do we have here?

- Pardon me, old man,I'm in a bit of a hurry.

- Why Bud, you're a kick. (laughs)

- Hello there, my dear.

Would you care to choose up sides and go barefooted?

(audience laughs)

- Oh brother.

- Well Mr. Anderson, howmany boxes of cookies.

- Come now, my dear.

You're not gonna let a little thing like cookies

come between us.

After all, this is bigger than both I and you.

- Oh Bud, stop it.

Well Mr. Anderson, how many boxes of cookies do you want?

- Oh, a couple I guess.

Uh, will that be enough?

- Yes, that's just right.

And thank you very, very much.

Goodbye.

- Allow me, my dear.

Ta ta, see you around the pool hall.

- Why Bud, you're a kick.

I don't see why everybody thinks you're a snob.

See you tomorrow.

Goodbye.

- Well, you're pretty hot tonight, old chap.

- Yeah, I sort of wompedup and rolled, didn't I?

- You did what?

- Well it was a touch on the cornball side

but a decided improvement.

- You know, it's a funny thing.

I feel like a differentguy with this on.

It seems real easy to talk.

- Shows you it'sall in the mind.

Maybe this mask works for you

like the telephone did for me.

(phone ringing)

You know something like this can give a fellow confidence.

Maybe you've gotit whipped, huh.

- Yeah.

- Hello?

Oh, hello Virginia.

No, he's not mad at you.

It's just that he feels--

- Wait.

Here's the fellow thatcan straighten that out.

Let Bud talk to her.

- [Betty] Bud?

- Of course.

He can handle it, can't you Bud?

- Uh...

Sure.

(audience laughs)

Hello?

Uh.

- Come on, Bud.

Say something.

- I can't, Dad.

Quick, give me the mask.

- The mask won't do any good.

She can't see over the telephone.

- Give me the mask!

(audience laughs)

Hello Virginia?

How's every jolly little thing?

- I was talking to Bud Anderson, please.

- Well who do you think this is?

Sure, it's me.

- Gee, you sound so different.

(audience laughs)

Oh, well I still don't think it was very nice of you

to hang up on me.

Oh, I don't believe that.

- It's true, the phone company goofed.

(audience laughs)

But let's not let a little thing like a phone company

come between us.

And what are you doing this evening?

Oh?

What about the cinema?

Good deal, my dear.

I'll be there at eight.

And keep a torch burningin the window for me.

(audience laughs)

Ta ta.

Boy dad, this mask works wonders.

- It certainly does.

(audience laughs)

- I gotta date with her.

I bet even Clause couldn't do that.

Either you got it or you ain't, right?

(audience laughs)

(playful orchestral music)

- Jim look.

Ta ta, mater, I'm goingto pick up Virginia now.

- [Margaret] Well don't be out late, and be careful.

- Okay, ta ta, pater.

- Ta ta, satyr.

(audience laughs)

(laughing)

- Oh, I never thoughtI'd live to see the day.

What a change.

- I knew it would work out all right

if we just left him alone.

- Dad, I just realized, I can't go!

- What do you mean, you can't go?

- Well I can't talk to Virginia without the mask,

and I can't go out in public in that thing.

Dad, what am I gonna do?

(audience laughs)

- Well, I admit I was a dope then, but I was just a kid,

and even so, I did more than Dad about my problem.

At least I got the maskidea, goofy as it was.

- Oh, I haven't come to the important part.

You absolutely refused to go to the movie

without your mask, so Betty stepped in

and called Virginia for you.

- No Virginia, that's not it at all.

He's not a snob.

As a matter of fact, he just wanted to make the date

for tomorrow night.

- No!

- Oh, he'll be there.

He can hardly wait.

(audience laughs)

Alright Virginia.

Goodbye.

- Why, why'd you tell her that.

- I had to saysomething, and besides,

you're gonna get over this silly idea right here and now.

- Now look, you wanna goon this date, don't you?

- Well sure.

- And you know you can'tgo parading around town

with that ridiculous-looking mask on.

Well I know that.

Hey, why don't I put the mask in my pocket,

and we could sit in thebalcony where it's dark,

and I can wear it while the movie's on.

(audience laughs)

- Oh fine.

When the lights come on at intermission,

you'd scare her out of years of her life.

(audience laughs)

- I guess it would be a little surprising.

- A little?

Now look, when ou get to her house, she'll say hello.

Now surely you can thinkof an answer to that

without putting a mask on, can't you?

- Well I guess so.

- Okay.

- Then she'll ask you to come in.

And then you say thank you.

- Wait, let me write that down.

(audience laughs)

- I can tell this is gonna be a sparkling conversation.

- Don't bother us, father.

Now when you get inside,say something nice

about her looks,

how becoming the color of her dress is or--

- What color is it?

(audience laughs)

- Bud, you're hopeless.

- Betty, I've told you several times to leave him alone.

- You know, that suits me just fine.

I give up.

He can go on being a dope for all I care.

- Dad!

You know what she did?

She made another date for me tomorrow night

and gosh, I can't go.

- I wish she'd stay out of this.

- Gee, if there was only someplace a guy could take a girl

where everybody wears masks.

- Why don't you changeyour date to Halloween?

Everybody wears masks then.

(audience laughs)

- Well that's just great.

Halloween won't be here.

Hey, how 'bout that, Dad?

- How 'bout what?

- A party, a masquerade party.

We could throw one tomorrow night.

And I could invite Virginia and Joe and Claude.

- Whoa whoa, hold it.

You can't just throw a masquerade party

at the drop of a hat.

It takes a lot of work,

particularly for your mother.

- Well, I'd do all the work.

(audience laughs)

Part of it anyway.

You ask her, Dad.

- Oh no, not me.

- Can I come to your party?

- You keep out of this, shrimp.

- It was my idea.

- [Margaret] Kathy!

- Here she is, dad, now's your chance!

- Wait bud, I don't want, ugh.

- Kathy, how many times have I told you

not to eat in the living room?

I can trail you all over the house by your crumbs.

- Mom, Dad wants to ask you something.

Come on, Squeegee, out to the kitchen with that grub.

- Now look here,Bud, I, (sighs).

- Well you have something to ask me?

- Well, not exactly.

But you see, well, this problem with Bud.

With the mask and girls and all.

- What time does hewant the party to start?

(audience laughs)

- Huh?

- Well that's what he wants, isn't it?

A masquerade party?

I've been waiting for this.

I'm surprised that nobody thought of it sooner.

But I'll tell you right now, I'm not in favor of it.

- Well I realize it is pretty short notice,

and it is a lot of work, but if--

- Oh, it's not the work.

It's just that, I don't think it's right to encourage him

to hide behind a mask.

You can't go through life hiding behind things.

- Well honey, it's alittle bit like learning

to ride a bicycle.

At first you need somebody to steady the bike.

Then you get a little confidence.

- The party is out.

(melancholy music)

(upbeat music)

- There.

Kathy.

Yeah, by George, this looks pretty good.

- Phew, I'm tired.

You know I thought Bud was gonna do all this work.

- Oh he's busy upstairs working

on some snappy conversation for tonight.

(audience laughs)

He's got himself a couple jokes.

- Uh oh, the corn'll fly tonight.

(audience laughs)

You know, if he can only relax.

Kathy, stop eating all that candy!

You'll be sick before the party even starts.

- Yes, it's better to wait until after it starts

to get sick.

(audience laughs)

- [Bud] Mom!

- Here comes the Milton Berle of Springfield now.

- Mom, hurry up with the shirt.

- [Margaret] Coming sir, coming.

- Thanks mom, and you might touch this up a smidgen, too.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, get him.

Might touch this up a smidgen.

- Well, it's good to see him happy.

Besides, weren't you the one

that wanted him a social success?

- Oh, I didn't expect him to go overboard.

I liked him better as a doe.

- I just hope that all this isn't wasted effort.

I still don't think we're gonna help Bud solve anything.

- Well, we'll see.

- I keep having the feeling that something'll go wrong

and then he'll retreat within himself deeper than ever.

- What could possibly go wrong?

- Hey, hey Dad!

It's gone, Dad!

It's gone!

- What's gone?

- The mask, it's gone!

Kathy, what'd you do with it?

- I never even touched your old mask, honest.

- Well somebody did, who took it?

No don't start accusing everybody.

Just be calm, son.

We'll find it.

- Bud, are You sureyou left it on the bed?

- I'm positive, I set it right there

before I took a shower.

- Maybe you took it in the shower and it melted.

- Bud you'd better hurry,

some of your guestshave started to arrive.

- Oh my gosh, dad, what am I gonna do?

- Well, why don't you go downstairs and greet them

and I'll keep on hunting.

- I can't go down there.

Not without the mask.

- Oh Bud.

- No Dad.

- They're waiting for you, dopey.

- I can't help it.

I just can't go down there.

- Wait, maybe I have an idea.

Betty, do you still have that theatrical makeup kit?

- It's in my room.

- Well go get it.

And everybody go downstairs and keep the party going.

- What are you gonna do, Dad?

- You'll see.

(audience laughs)

- [Bud] It'll never work, Dad.

- Don't be too sure.

This mustache looks morelike the one on the mask

than the mask did itself.

(audience laughs)

- Yes sir.

This looks great.

- Let me see.

- Uh wait, I'm not finished yet.

I wanna get thoseglasses a little better.

(audience laughs)

You didn't know I had this much talent, did you?

It's amazing how a few lines

can change a person so completely.

(audience laughs)

Wait a minute.

There.

By golly, you wouldn't believe how much

you look like that mask, old chap.

(audience laughs)

- I do, really?

- Let me see.

- [James] Uh, anything else in here we need?

No, I guess not.

Well, you better get downstairs.

- Well, I wanna see what I look like.

There's no time now.

They're waiting for you.

Go on.

Wait, don't smear it.

Hurry up, they're probably choosing up sides

to go barefooted right now.

(audience laughs)

Ta ta, old chap!

(bright orchestral music)

- Hurry up, tell me.

Did the makeup work?

- Well, he's at the party.

- Oh, I never would've believed it.

Not with his fears and your artwork.

- Ah, this may turn outto be a masterpiece.

Here, let me take that.

- But I still say I don't think we're helping him any.

It doesn't matter whether it's a mask or a makeup.

He's still hiding behind something.

- Look at it this way.

I said it was a little bitlike learning to rid a bicycle.

You remember how your dad used to walk alongside

and hold the bike and then one day

you discovered he'd let got.

And that was the day yousaid, look ma, no hands.

- Yes, but you're still holding the bicycle for Bud.

- Let me show you something.

- [Bud] So then I went up to Sussex to sh**t grouse

with the duke.

(laughing)

- Doing pretty well, huh?

- I wish he'd turn this way so I could see his makeup.

- [Bud] And then down to Picadilly to play Scrabble

with the Duchess.

(kids laugh)

(audience laughs)

- Jim, his face.

What, why you didn't put any.

You tricked him.

- I let go of the bicycle.

- What's he gonna do when he finds out?

- I don't know.

All we can do now is carry on.

- Ah, here come the crumpets.

Be my guest.

Allow me, my dear.

(audience laughs)

- Anyone for hor d'oeuvres?

(audience laughs)

- I just had a feeling that something

would go wrong tonight.

- Well, I thought it might work.

Almost did, too.

Only--

- Oh!

- My dear, as I see it, we could

make beautiful music together.

(audience laughs)

- Oh Bud.

You're so much fun.

I really never knew you before.

- Look ma, no hands.

(audience laughs)

- So don't you think perhaps your father

knows something after all,

and you'd better call up that girl.

- Well, he was pretty good in the clutch,

but that was different,that was an emergency.

And he wouldn't have gotten that idea

if the mask hadn't gotten lost.

And who lost the mask?

I did.

- There's one part I hadn't told you about.

- [Bud] And even his emergency plan fouled up.

I was the one who decided Icould operate without the mask.

(audience laughs)

- Care to choose upsides and go barefooted?

(audience laughs)

- Where'd you get that,I thought it was lost.

- I discovered it after the party.

In your father's coat pocket.

- His coat pocket.

You mean he deliberately--

- Planned the whole thing.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, is Laurie there?

Boy, what a sneaky dad I've got.

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds) (cheerful orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(upbeat synthesizer music)
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