05x30 - Formula for Happiness

[bunniefuu]

(suspenseful music)

- [Narrator] Robert Young

and Jane Wyatt

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, and Lauren Chapin

in Father Knows Best.

(slow music)

- Jim?

(audience laughs)

- It's you dear.

- Who did you expect to see, Peter Pan?

(audience laughs)

- I guess I'm a bit jumpy.

- Make it for two, I can't sleep either.

'Sides, I'm curious.

- You know, I never realized before

how lonesome a kitchen can be in the middle of the night.

- [Margaret] That's because it's the only time

that isn't crowdedwith dishes and people.

What was your dream about, Jim?

- Oh, nothing.

- Any dream that could have you hollering

for the police in the middle of the night

surely isn't about nothing.

- Well, oh forget it, it's too ridiculous to repeat.

- Three children, I'm used to

hearing ridiculous things every day.

(audience laughs)

Come on now, what was it about?

- Well, believe it or not I was going

to reform the world with a perfect formula for happiness.

- Well I'm impressed.

- In fact, I was making a speech

on a nation-wide television hookup

at the request of thePresident of the United States.

- You meet some very important people

in your dreams, I'll say that.

(audience laughs)

- It seems thePresident had appointed

me as sort of a ambassador of peace.

- What's so frighteningabout a dream like that?

- Never had a chance to finish that speech.

- Why not?

- Are you sure you want to hear about it?

- Of course I do.

- Alright, but youbetter prepare yourself

to hear one of the most believable of unbelievable dreams.

The strange thing about this dream I had Margaret,

is that it was so real.

I find it difficult to believe that it didn't happen.

Maybe I better start at the beginning.

You and I, and the children were in my office.

We were about to make our television debut to the world.

(crowd talking)

- Mr. Anderson.

I'm his secretary, I'd like to speak to him just a minute.

I just checked with the Secretary of State's office,

Mr. Anderson, and hesaid that the President

will be watching you from the White House.

- I hope I won't let him down.

- Oh, you won't.

- Excuse me, I wonderif you'd remove your hat

Mrs. Anderson, we can't getall that feather in the camera.

- Oh, don't ask me to do that Mr. Walden,

I bought this hat especially to impress the President.

(audience laughs)

- Okay boys, better raise the cameras.

- You could tilt your head to the side like this,

and that way you'd get it all in the picture.

- Like this?

(audience laughs)

(sneezing)

- Bless you. - Thanks.

- For Pete's sake Bud,I hope you don't sneeze

when the President's watching us.

(audience laughs)

- How many people have had the President

say gesundheit to 'em?

(audience laughs)

- [Crew Member] Ten seconds, Mr. Anderson.

- I'm ready.

- Honey, I'm so proud of you.

- Me too, Father.

- [Crew Member] Five seconds.

- Don't forget to mention I'm your favorite son.

- I won't.

- [Crew Member] Three seconds.

- Aren't you going to wish me luck Kat?

Listen here kitten, you haven't spoken to me all day.

- We're on the air.

- Ladies and gentlemen,at the request

of the President of the United States,

we bring you a special program.

Its purpose is to bring a message of vital importance

to each and every one of you.

Here to give you this message

is one of our foremost citizens

and ambassadors of peace, Mr. James Anderson.

(clapping)

- Mr. President, people everywhere.

Each of us at one time or another

seeks a magic formula for happiness.

I too, have beenseeking such a formula.

To my surprise and amazement,

I found that oneactually exists.

I have it right here, in this envelope.

It is a formula which,if used conscientiously

and sincerely will give each and every one of you

a lifetime of happiness.

I consider it a great privilege to share

this tremendous secret with the world.

- [Man] Out of my way.

(crew murmuring)

- [Man] Out of my way.

- Get out of here, what's the matter with you?

- What's going on?

(crew yelling)

(mystical twinkling)

Somebody call the police, quick.

(mystical twinkling)

- Anymore suggestions from you Mr. Anderson,

and you too will be among the missing.

- Who are you?

- Margaret please, don't say anything.

- Please don't worry Mr. Anderson,

I enjoy seeing attractive women.

And if I may say so, you'rewearing the most enchanting hat.

- What do you want?

- My name is Charles Barter.

I represent a company that is willing to spend millions

for your secret.

- But why should your company want to buy something

I'm willing to give everyone for nothing?

- Very simple, we want only a chosen few to have happiness.

Now I'll take that formula.

(suspenseful music)

- Alright, Mr. Anderson, if I can't have that formula,

then no one shall have it.

(mystical twinkling)

Now see what you've done.

Your formula for happiness shall remain

as always elusive and unobtainable.

- Get out of here, get out of here, get out.

And as the saying goes, then I woke up.

(audience laughs)

- Quite a dream.

Tell me dear, what was in that envelope?

What was your perfect formula for happiness?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

But you dreamed it.

- Margaret, you're not half as disappointed as I am.

I can almost see those words.

But just as they come into focus, they disappear.

And Kathy, I don't know why she was so angry with me.

She absolutely refused to talk to me.

- Don't be so upset dear.

After all, it's only a dream,

this didn't really happen you know.

- Don't you understand Margaret,

this was as if it did happen.

- Believe me dear, if Kathywasn't talking, it was a dream.

(audience laughs)

But if you really want to know what that formula

for happiness was, try two pieces of hot mince pie

with pickles tomorrow night before bedtime.

(audience laughs)

That'll bring back bothBarter and your formula.

- This man Charles Barter, I wonder who he is.

And have we ever met anyone by that name?

- I doubt it dear, but he couldn't be too bad a person.

After all, he did compliment my hat.

(audience laughs)

By the way, it must havebeen very attractive.

What'd it look like?

- Oh, small, round, blue, had a feather.

Very long feather, waved back and forth

every time you nodded your head.

- Sounds like a dream hat.

(audience laughs)

If I find one that fits that description,

I think I'll buy it.

- I don't understand it, I can remember

the smallest detail of the hat you were wearing,

but I can't remember what was in that envelope.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

One day it might come to you, and then we'll all be famous.

You know what they say,

tell a dream before breakfast, it comes true.

- Anyway Daddy, I figure about a dollar

a week more on myallowance will be okay.

- You don't say?

(audience laughs)

- Of course, if you want to make it two dollars more.

- How about that, theRed Socks did it again.

(audience laughs)

- You're not listening to me.

If I listen to you, whycan't you listen to me?

- Oh kitten, do you have to talk while I'm reading?

- Just because I'm in the family,

you think you don't have to be polite.

- Oh that's not it kitten,

it's just that when I'm reading,

I don't like to be annoyed with a lot of chatter.

- Don't worry, Iwon't bother you

with my chatter anymore ever.

(slow music)

- Kathy.

Kathy, come back here.

- Jim?

(audience laughs)

What is it dear,something wrong?

- I guess you were right Margaret,

tell a dream before breakfast, it comes true.

Kathy's not speaking...

(suspenseful music) (audience laughs)

Margaret, where did you get that hat?

- I bought it this afternoon, do you like it?

- It's exactly like the hat you were wearing in my dream.

- Well, it won't seem so dreamy after you get the bill.

(audience laughs)

(slow music)

- Why did you buy that hat Margaret?

- You made it sound so chic, and you described it

so beautifully, I just couldn't resist.

(audience laughs)

You think your Mr. Barter would approve?

- You say that name Barter as if such a person exists.

What made you remember it?

- I never forget anyone's name who complements my hat.

(audience laughs)

- Hi Dad. What's for dinner Mom?

- [Margaret] Meatloaf, if it hasn't already (mumbles).

(Bud sneezes)

Bless you.

Go find Kathy, will you Bud?

I think she's next door.

- [Bud] Okay.

- Margaret, I know you're gonna say

this sounds ridiculous, but I have an uneasy feeling

that I'm living that dream all over again.

- Oh honestly, Jim, whydon't you forget it?

- Wait a minute, listen.

First Kathy stops speaking to me,

next you come in wearing that hat,

then Bud sneezes when he got too close to that feather.

- Believe me dear, the whole thing

is just a coincidence.

(doorbell rings)- I'll get it.

- Oh dear, who could that be right at dinnertime too?

- Maybe I am making too much out of this.

Still...

- I wouldn't let it concern me too much dear.

Of course, if you encounter a character

by the name of Charles Barter

who goes around stealing formulas

and complimenting ladies' hats.

- There's someone to see you Father.

- [Margaret] Who is it Betty?

- [Betty] I don't know,I never saw him before.

His name's Barter, Charles Barter.

(suspenseful music)

I said, Mr. Barterwants to see you Father.

- This is a joke of some kind Margaret.

- Well if it is, I don'tknow anything about it.

- What does this man look like Betty?

- For Pete's sake, what's wrong with you two tonight.

He's a man, a very ordinary looking man

wearing an ordinary looking suit.

He's too old for me, sothat's all I noticed.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

- Mr. Anderson?

- Yes.

- I'm Charles Barter.

- Have you ever met my husband before Mr. Barter?

- No, I don't believe so.

- Do you live in Springfield?

- I don't really live any place permanently.

- What do you mean?

- I travel a lot.

- You certainly do get around, I'll say that.

- Perhaps I called at the wrong time.

If you're going out, please don't let me interfere.

- We are not leaving this house Mr. Barter.

- You're wearing yourhat, I thought perhaps.

(dramatic music)

Oh, it's a very attractive hat, Mrs. Anderson,

I didn't mean to imply that.

- Never mind my wife's hat, Mr. Barter.

Just tell us who you areand why you came here.

- I just came by to pick up the envelope.

(dramatic music)

- What envelope?

- The envelope with the formula.

You know, the formula for happiness.

(dramatic music)

- Mr. Barter, I think you owe us an explanation.

(dramatic music)

- Look, please, I must have the wrong house.

Or the wrong Andersons.

- Wait, come back Mr. Barter, please.

(suspenseful music)

(car engine revving)

Now Margaret, we're both sensible and sane people.

Neither of us goes in forfortune telling or superstitions

or witchcraft, so howdo you account for this?

- I don't know Jim.

- I think you'll have to agree now Margaret,

this cannot be called a coincidence.

(slow music)

I know I shouldn't have bothered you

while you were having your breakfast, Dr. Daley,

but I had to tell someone about this dream situation.

- You'd be surprised at some of the things

I've had to listen towith my breakfast, Jim.

This is a welcome relief.

Besides, I'm intrigued.

- I'd be more intrigued if I only knew the answer.

- Actually, it's not too uncommon an experience Jim.

Somebody dreams that his relatives

are going to move in with him,

and the next day they move in, bag and baggage.

(audience laughs)

Seriously speaking, haven't you ever

experienced asituation that you knew

had happened to you before?

Maybe a place, or maybe a person.

Someone says something.

- I guess I have, but nothing like

this particular dreamhas ever happened to me.

- You see, the brain works like a tape recorder,

and sometimes it records things

that we aren't even aware of.

Then, at some later datewhen we least expect it,

the brain plays it back.

- I sure would like to know where I was

when my brain was hobnobbing

with the President of the United States.

(audience laughs)

- You know something, Jim, so would I.

(audience laughs)

Because when I tell mywife this story tonight,

she's going to expect me to have an answer and I don't.

In the meantime Jim, you better lay off

this mince pie and pickles at night.

(audience laughs)

Otherwise, this character Barter might return.

(audience laughs)

- Has a Mr. Bartercalled here Ms. Thomas?

- No.

- I thought he might be back

looking for an envelopeI'm supposed to have.

- Oh that, I'm glad you reminded me.

The envelope's in your safe.

- What?

- I didn't know you knew about it.

- How did it get in the safe?

Who put it in there, who?

- I can't say, Mr. Anderson,it's supposed to be top secret.

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

- Daddy?

- Oh Kathy, look honeyyou couldn't have chosen

a worse time to visit me.

- I have an appointment with you.

Ms. Thomas made it for me.

- Alright honey, but I want you to sit there

quietly for two minutesand not say a word.

I've got somethingvery important to read.

- Haven't you read that yet?

- Read what?

- My formula for happiness.

- What do you mean, what is it?

Where did you get a formula for happiness?

- I made it up.

- Kathy, what is this all about?

For goodness sake, please tell me.

- I told you all about it once before.

It's a contest I entered, words or less

on the best formula for happiness.

- Honey, when did you tell me about this?

- Few weeks ago.

You weren't much interested in what I was saying.

- Well, I must have been busy,

maybe reading or working?

- You were watching television,

(audience laughs) don't you remember?

I came in to tell you all about it,

and you told me to be quiet.

- The President of the United States

has said that peace cannot be achieved suddenly by force...

- Daddy.

- It can come only slowly and tortuously.

It will not be won by dark threats of glittering slogans.

- Guess what, I'm gonna enter a contest

for the best formula for happiness.

- Please Kathy.

- Just words or less, there's a man

from a big company who's sponsoring it.

His name is Mr. Charles Barter.

- We must learn to live with each other,

to understand the problems not only

of our neighbors next door,

but of our neighbors across the ocean.

- Ms. Thomas said she'd type it for me.

Daddy, listen to me.

- Kathy, for heaven's sake,

why do you always choose the wrong time to bother me?

- [News Anchor] Now is thetime for each and every citizen

to realize that responsibility for the peace

of the world lies within himself.

That responsibility should start at home.

- Oh, I see it all now.

Dr. Daley was right, while I was busy

listening to the speech on TV, you were telling me

about Mr. Barterand the formula.

You had an envelope with you, and my brain

subconsciously recordedthe whole thing

and played it back theother night as a dream.

Mr. Barter, Mr. Barter.

The mention of Mr. Barter must have interfered

with my enjoyment of the speech.

Therefore, he became a sort of dream villain.

(audience laughs)

That explains part of it, but I don't understand

what a hat with a long feather had to do with it.

- Maybe I'd better go, you sound awful busy.

- I'm sorry Kathy, you see some day

I'll try to explain to you what happened.

Right now, I think you'd find it

a little complicated to follow.

- That's okay Daddy,you can keep my formula

until I find Mr. Barter.

He was supposed to come by the house and pick it up,

but he never did.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no.

Mr. Barter.

Where can I find him, do you know?

- He'll be at the library tomorrow.

- That's for the most beautifulformula I've ever read.

- If you're thatpleased, you can get me

that Indian headdress you promised.

- What Indian headdress?

- You know, the one with the great big long feather?

(audience laughs)

Don't you remember, you were in the den one night

and you were awful busypaying a lot of bills.

- Honey, I remember, honest.

(audience laughs)

I want you to go outand buy that headdress.

In fact, I don't care ifyou buy two headdresses.

(audience laughs)

Just so they have greatbig long feathers.

(audience laughs)

- I think I better go now.

- Hey Kathy, from nowon when you talk to me,

believe me, I'll listen.

(audience laughs)

- That's a deal, Daddy.

(upbeat music)

Bye, Ms. Thomas.

- Come again, Kathy.

Well, what did you think of Kathy's

formula for happiness, Mr. Anderson?

- If everyone followedthis advice, Ms. Thomas,

we wouldn't have to worry about people fighting

each other, there would be no wars.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

- But that isn't what Kathy wrote.

- No, she didn't write that.

But whether she knows it or not, that's what she said.

"My formula for happiness, by Kathy Anderson.

"The way to be happy is to just treat

"everybody the way you'dlike them to treat you,

"especially your own family."

(audience laughs)

Regardless of how it's worded, Ms. Thomas,

that's always a good formula.

(upbeat music) (audience clapping)