02x01 - Still Negotiating

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Still Standing". Aired: September 30, 2002 - March 8, 2006.*
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Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.
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02x01 - Still Negotiating

Post by bunniefuu »

have you guys seen Jimmy Hatcher he's

gotten way cuter this year I know it's

like his body finally caught up with his

head he used to think I was hot last

year but that was way before he got hot

do you still think he'll think I'm ha

now that he's hot Oh trust me girls hot

comes and goes but if you find one who

knows how to use a napkin chain him down

um can't you do the laundry tomorrow

yeah an in the morning who's gonna be

screaming for clean Underpants you got

Hey Judy punkin Jeff please don't call

me that up front of my friends okay how

can I stop calling you pumpkin when

you're so boom canoe what are you doing

the battery in the remote stead so

you're taking the one on the smoke alarm

and your daughter's room just

temporarily I'll put it back after the

Super Bowl oh oh hey Brad Pitt your

six-pack sh*t Oh back in the fridge boy

anybody few months oh hello ladies on

Ryan Laurens older brother they call me

edo can I please have some privacy okay

let's leave Lauren and a friends alone

look I saw more in from right now I

don't know how Frank your sister I'm not

touching Lauren's bra get help delfina

be jarred let's go hey B talk

[Applause]

[Music]

why do we have to watch this because

it's important that you learn about

history world w*r 2 is a very big event

it's because a brave man like this that

we live in a free world what's that

that's Hogan he's trying to smuggle in a

cake from the bows birthday I don't see

why I can't take across the I want to

take because you're taking basic math in

high school when you should be taking

algebra I don't see why you insist on

ruining my life sweetie it's not like

I'm out to get you i'm also ruining

brian and Tina's life I'm sorry honey in

your life to all you take are the

easiest classes you'll never get into a

good college maybe I don't want to go to

college hey let that be the college's

decision like it was for your mom and me

could you please just do what I say your

father and I know what's best for your

right bill right I can always agree with

mom because if it wasn't for her all

this would be a field and you would be a

rock so you're taking the algebra or

you're grounded now go upstairs and do

your homework whatever don't whatever me

young lady I invented whatever that's

mine too I really think we should

consider a Swiss boarding school bill I

told you you're not going to a Swiss

boarding whatever

hey guys so I brought a big fat why Judy

invited me over for dinner why my ovens

broke you sure it's really broken she

got to stick your head way in so what's

going on well Phil and I just had

another huge fight with Lauren we sent

her upstairs to do her homework which

means Lauren get off the phone and start

doing your homework ah lately she has

been such a pain I can't get her to do

anything South fight well maybe that's

the problem sounds like someone talking

at their child when perhaps they should

be talking with their child yeah and I

guess you would know because your

imaginary children are so well behaved

are they here now Linda I don't have

children but I happen to be taking a

night class in psychology and we're

studying teams right now well let me

save you some time they eat your food

and then they turn on you Wow the

chapter we're studying says the best way

to deal with the kid like Lauren is just

to negotiate with them well mines any

good at negotiating I wouldn't they add

Lauren they just suggest you sit down

you does calmly work out a deal they get

something they want in exchange for

something you want there since I like

simple give it a try Lauren come down

here thanks for the advice well you know

I see things and you look at got speak

up

what have you started your homework no

oh well good your aunt linda has been

taking a psychology class and she

suggested that I negotiate with you so

here's the deal you can have to go do

your homework or you could sit and

listen to her talk about her class

homework wait stay right here Linda Bell

did you clean out the gutters no Oh have

I got a deal for you believed it never

ends hey you're the one who said I do

not only made warm to get harder math

class yeah well her algebra teacher said

home her first test she answered the

first three questions I don't know I

don't care why don't you ask my mom

that's just stupid you don't know

algebra I'll talk to her tomorrow just a

class bill it's everything I'm sick of

fighting with her you know I'm at the

end of my role to be calm down you know

all I have to do is turn into big angry

guy and Lauren will get scared and fall

back inline i don't know if she's afraid

of big angry guy anymore Judy everyone's

afraid of big angry guy you the kids the

carny who claimed I didn't win that

giant size comb what do you think that

she's just got to learn when you get the

big angry guy angry there's gonna be

hell to pay I couldn't use the voice and

pound the fist and show her where the

here is that I've had it up to that's

not bad you bet it isn't because when

you play with the bull you get the horns

if you don't straighten out there's

gonna be hell to pay like what I mean

when you say hell to pay what exactly

does that mean it means he'll lots and

lots of how just when you yell like that

you're just looks like a really big

tomato we're screwed

she laughed at me she laughed at the big

angry guy you don't laugh at the big

Angry County that hurts his feelings

chase it at some point we all lose some

of our parenting weapons remember when

the kids used to run from tight lips

scary voice yeah I love to what happened

to her Molly stopped running and started

doing the funny impression of her face

they know all our tricks I have an idea

oh we can't just drop him off in the

woods and driveway and I'm out negotiate

with Lauren you know bargain with her of

all that's stupid unless now it really

is completely however ah it's just

totally I'm all right did I begin on the

whole thing by yourself I'm just

thinking what if we only let Lauren

think one negotiate we tell her to stick

with the algebra in exchange we make

some vague promise we never have to keep

that's not really negotiate and that's

more like scamming I guess I like it

what are they promised ones I can bake

now let me see we tell her if she sticks

for the algebra class will I gotta

respect their privacy that seems to be a

real big deal with yeah she's always

griping about that one in her diary

anything about big angry guy in her

diary Oh

I know hey Lauren I have to go stem

y'all are you back hey your father and I

have been thinking we'd really like you

to stick with the algebra class or what

sobe blocks and blocks in alabang no

actually we don't think it's fair that

you do this without offering you

something in return really yep so we're

willing to negotiate you are if you

stick with algebra and do well your

father and I promised I know will

respect your privacy explored will

respect your privacy how just say we'll

really really respect it great what

sounds fair mom and dad are negotiating

with me negotiation huh what a fresh

approach to parenting um pinterest come

up with an idea was it written in

sausage on a pizza Oh a little birdie

told us bitter little birdie whose body

gets a little further south each year

sure great okay now all we have to do is

just put it on paper what really why

yeah cuz what is on paper it's official

and everyone knows what's expected of

everyone else what do you think sounds

dangerous to me oh we're not putting it

on paper type people why not because we

don't like to waste paper or your mother

and I the only ones who care about the

rainforest can you want to cut down at

Tracy you wouldn't have to rake it

wasn't just that that tree was haunted

maybe we shouldn't writing just to be

safe okay so what do you want the

contract to say what's going on your

parents are negotiating a contract

support if one promises to pass algebra

we promise to respect your price that

sounds kind of vague

wait you mean vague it's just a passing

algebra is specific whereas respecting

or privacy what does that really mean

don't you have some bully's homework to

do right you know there are a lot of

terms and conditions here that need to

be clarified yes make sure it's clear

Lauren Lauren do we really need all this

interference for mr. mumbo and Miss

jumbo we are your mommy and daddy do you

think we'd actually trained she's okay I

think we've covered the section on

privacy we need to take another look at

the subsection on phone usage well if

we're giving in our phone use that she

has to improve her attitude attitude

what's that supposed to me then but you

guys can't be Lane Lane what's that

supposed to me Zack extended phone

privileges three times a week if she

cleans the dishes every night I'm not

doing the dishes every night unless I

get phone privileges every night well

I'm sorry that's our final offer this my

final off okay yeah what we have here is

an emotional dynamic which has resulted

in an impasse we studied this in my

class now there's one theory

my God look to sink I didn't do it the

dishes have been washed and put away oh

yeah I did that no you didn't Lauren to

it I took a sh*t you know whole contract

thing is really working out Lauren to

the dishes five times last week without

even being asked would have been six

except for tuesday when we ate tacos

over the sink oh it's been working so

well i decided to drop a little contract

between us what kind of contract it's a

couple's contract directly relating to

matters of an adult nature and by adult

nature I mean bump into hostile let me

see that proposal and suggested

activities ya know and only if you clean

out the garage not that important my mom

again oh hi Lauren thank you for

cleaning the dishes you're welcome thank

you for allowing me my 20-minute phone

conversation without listening in Lauren

I'd like to exercise my option to say

one lane thing a week go ahead I'm so

proud of you h*nky tonk any pumpkin face

Judith function in the whole honking pad

hey we'll stick this up next week did

you see how polite she was hi mom hi dad

who was it he said we were crafty

parents Brian and Tina yeah where are

they now yeah no seriously where are

they I don't know I think ones in the

yard

hello oh hi mom this is Jason he's in my

math class hey mr. mrs. Miller oh nice

to meet you Jason he just stopped by to

help me with some of my algebra homework

ah algebra if you're anything like I was

in school x equals D minus okay Bell

let's leave these two alone oh that's

okay we're gonna go upstairs whoa whoa

whoa whoa upstairs yeah we're going to

my room Oh up to your room oh wait wait

a minute how old are you 16 maybe you

and this man should study in the kitchen

jason is a friend of mine and the

contract specifically says I can have

friends alone in my room now wait a

second he has a point it is in the

contract you kids go on up and study

thanks mom judy judy judy you're just

study I know what they're gonna study

he's looking for the square root of my

daughter calm down bill if we want this

contract to work we have to trust her I

trust her it's mutton chops I'm not that

crazy about gonna happen with us right

downstairs plus Jason seems completely

harmless cop man hey I've been a teenage

boy I know the disgusting stuff that's

in their heads well I have been a

teenage girl trust me it's the guy she

doesn't bring home that we have to worry

about right now I'm worried about him

cuz he hat man here to sneaky little

bastard

hey what are you doing you're supposed

to give us our privacy I know I know I I

really have to check out the heating

ducts I was downstairs I I heard some

noise I haven't heard any noise oh I

distinctly heard the problems down here

in this duck yeah this is gonna be an

all-day job you kids might want to go

study downstairs sir yeah ducks right up

there well this is worse than I thought

to be here I need about 12 feet of

tubing some ants and wats maybe some

kilos I'm not going to know till I get

in there do you need any help with this

it's pretty complicated well my family

has the heating and cooling business so

I kind of know all about it of course

you do so what exactly is the problem

Jared well it's probably the in the

trinnock sound rating I forget it I'll

look at it later formula let me take a

look Oh dad did you to the door on the

way out please

[Applause]

this is so a violation of the country no

the contract states that you're allowed

to study alone in your room with your

friends it does not mention a door

steady a cheap and maybe I'll go to you

can't go to Jason's house I can I'd like

to meet his family I have some questions

about the heating and cooling business

you know maybe I should just quit

algebra well then we'll start listening

in on your phone calls you can forget

about me doing the dishes let's just

forget about the whole contract oh no no

no no fine we are not forgetting about

this contract I've had peace and quiet

and clean dishes in this house for a

week and it could stay that way maybe I

should go you're not going anywhere yeah

I'm going to go through that door back

on you're going to go upstairs and study

and you are going to go upstairs and be

alone with my daughter in her bedroom

with the door closed now who wants to

can of pop

[Applause]

[Applause]

what are you doing I dropped the remote

upstairs you don't know everything about

gravity know a lot about bien by the way

thanks to help me fold the towel you're

welcome you didn't help me took a sh*t

parents already so forgotten I've really

be doing this they can't come in here

its new contract oh don't we're with

them right downstairs kalbarri do not

get me up what's going on in here I

cannot believe you two all right what's

going on you are not gonna believe what

these two were do I knew it all right

man hair get out of my house no bill he

was doing her homework apparently we've

raised a cheater oh thank god no I mean

you are in so much trouble young lady

Jai gonna Jesco so you wanted the door

back so you can cheat you have lost all

privileges that you got with that

contract fine if you're breaking the

contract that I'm dropping algebra

Lauren your mother and I have had it I

know I know there's gonna be hell to pay

no Lauren I give up trying to scare you

into doing things you're too old for

that I just wish there was some way I

could make you want to try harder in

school but there isn't and it's all my

fault it is yeah I'm always trying to

trick you with an angry voice or a

contract instead of doing the hard work

of setting a good example yeah no no

it's true Judy I I take shortcuts how

can i blame these kids when they do the

exact same dad it's not you it's Mia I'm

lazy I can do algebra no Lauren I'm not

gonna push you to do things just so I

don't feel failure

no I'm doing it for me I'm gonna stay in

the class well I would like that very

much so is this your new character

disappointed with himself god that was

go away did you see how bad she felt

yeah I was peeking through my fingers

how'd you get your eyes too well up like

that I yanked out a nose hair

[Music]
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