02x02 - Still Driving

[bunniefuu]

hey daddy oh crap you want money what

please that's the only time anybody in

this house calls me daddy including your

mother you honestly think that people in

this family are only nice to each other

when they want money hey bry bry dad I

don't have any money fine but I am

warning you these old clothes are

starting to get really tight and soon my

shirts won't even cover my midriff

what's a midriff something private and

shameful that should remain a secret

forever like the time you found a cake

on the porch you need it exactly you

won't give your little princess any

money that's not the daddy that I used

to know ah I can't resist there you go

here's some money wait you're just gonna

pull it away why would I do that because

that's what you always do princess I

wouldn't do that to you you promise I

promise you promise I promise Oh 22

you

[Applause]

[Music]

Bill's request for payment invoice how

come nothing good ever comes in the mail

my teacher said his wife came in the

mail I'm his salary good for him the

port cards are here this is a very big

day for you kids you know your mom and I

place a very high value on your

education oh my god grand opening of

Silvio's Italian beef Bell what about

the report cards oh okay Brian excellent

work Loren we're very disappointed in

you said you've all earned yourselves

one free beef when you buy one at

regular price see here Lorne I am

impressed you really brought up your

grades keep this up line you might end

up waiting tables that are placed with

tablecloths well maybe one day you'll

eat there with all of your friend so dad

since i got such good grades of semester

i thought maybe you could toss me some

money for some new clothes i gave you 40

bucks last week you spent it all on that

ratty t-shirt stop ratty it's vintage

vintage that shirts vintage i should

start making wine out of my underwear

all right just puked a little born if

you like vintage clothes I got a box old

stuff in the Attic oh great I get to

wear your moldy old clothes maybe for

dinner I can just pick through the

garbage I'll try the neighbors first aid

healthier than us

[Laughter]

and now for the easy kid Miller Brian a

in econ gentlemen a in English

cannerelli yet dad that second word is

the teachers last name ah and that would

explain French ho try rosette why didn't

you tell me you were taking drivers at

this semester I didn't think you Ryan as

a diligent student but needs more

confidence behind the wheel will turn

that around I'm gonna get you some

practice time dad I don't need to

practice you kidding this will be great

Miller man have been teaching their sons

how to drive for centuries centuries

well you know chariots and crafts

besides I've been looking forward to

this ever since we built that model

mustang and blew it up with firecrackers

you blew up my motto Mustang I don't

remember yep I'd rather wait somewhere

to get my license I think it's a lot

more important to focus on my studies

than to go out joyriding you take that

back this is a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity here you have an early

birthday you're gonna be 16 before most

of your class it means for a few

precious weeks you'll be the guy who has

what every teenage girl dreams of a way

to get away from her family

a lot of middle aged girls dream of that

too they start tonight's I don't want to

bother you dad you probably got a lot to

do let me take a look at my schedule we

got nothin till Thanksgiving keep dinner

warm tonight's the night my boy becomes

a man ah rubbing action rub it up okay

son your lipsticks fine let's go the

book says Brian Brian Brian forget about

the book there isn't a book in the world

that can teach you how to drive unless

they made a book out of Cannonball Run

which I don't think they did because I

would have heard about it put her in

Reverse

all right there you go now it says good

to be cautious but you don't want to be

too cautious a lot of people out there

who aren't as patient as me now the

lights changing g*n it g*n it whoo oh

god just messing with yourself can't cut

it out I'm trying to dry well if you

drive any slower we'll have to put roses

on the car and enter it is a float now

where should we go okay turn left up

here I'll show you where we used to go

parking in high school you mean parking

parallel parking oh you can start off

parallel but the goal is to get

horizontal okay turn left

and that was a very smooth turn when

you're in a smaller car you're gonna

want to bank that left really hard so

the little lady in the passenger seat

falls into your lap actually dad on a

left turn centrifugal force would

actually in the passenger away from the

driver now it'll really lead them away

all that science talk yeah you just let

me draw sure thing you're the driver I'm

just here to observe

[Music]

so there I was secretly wrapping his

birthday present when he just pushes

open the bedroom door and ruins his

surprise now I have to get him a whole

different sweater do cats even like

sweaters you are in luck i found my box

of old clothes in the attic oh why are

you taking out your old clothes well I

thought instead of Lauren paying a lot

of money for fake stuff from the 70s I'd

give her a bunch real stuff from the 70s

whoo smells like some good stuff from

the 70s what is that smell incense hey

this is actually cool cheap trick my

first concert I can't believe I still

have this can I have it sure know which

one's gonna hear hang on hang on ACDC

gotta keep that one Errol Smith not a

chance oh are you Speedwagon intensity

intensity man intensity in 10 cities I

never got that one before must burn all

that innocent oh hey keep digging if you

come across anything that's clam punk or

haulin oats it's yours oh it was great

he was a little stiff at first but we're

working on that right champ you bet dad

would you teach taught him how to cruise

we hit the drive-thru what Silvio's got

an Italian beef then we worked on some

doughnuts powdered and lon I gotta tell

you I felt great to pass on something to

my son other than my rugged good looks

and these dainty little dancers feet

good for you honey just think one day

our sons gonna be in the car with a girl

making out and he'll be thinking of me

you know what I mean

so it sounds like you and your dad had a

great time yeah I think it's wonderful

when you guys you know I hate it I had a

feeling he's totally impatient you know

how he gives you didn't teach me

anything O'Brien I'm sure he taught you

something no I did learn how to

three-point turn but that was only so we

could go back to Silvio's for extra

peppers oh goody it should be a fun

night for me I can't learn with him mom

he barks orders and it makes me nervous

can you take me driving well can you

just give him another chance it means so

much to him I know but I hate it I'm not

getting in another car with dad so

either you teach me how to drive or

drive me everywhere for the rest of my

life oh that's a lot of listening to NPR

okay fine you know but I don't want to

hurt your father's feelings can't find

out about this which is gonna be very

difficult because your father's a very

astute man honey where's the remote did

you check under you thank you I'm

guessing we'll be okay

[Music]

that was so awesome you are such a

better teacher than dad thank you so

much oh you don't have to thank me just

remember when you're taking care of your

father me when we're really old I eat

first ah Brian my firstborn son heir to

all my estate which consists of this

watch anyway today is a very special day

for you my friend put your driving pants

on and follow me out back Oh bill

Brian's about to put his homework pants

on yeah maybe now's not the best time

for a driving lesson this isn't just any

driving lesson girls well we've got to

get me out of this well I'll try but

when your father gets this worked up

it's every man for himself just come on

out what's going on no your father

brought home something he's really

excited about oh great the last time

this happened we ended up eating catfish

for three months check it out Brian I

got us a sweet new ride

and you're gonna drive us to go see it

in this crummy van build you bought this

is ours yeah what do you think Brian wow

I I Wow overwhelmed I know I know it's a

lot to take in soon as I saw it I

thought this is the car for my son this

is the car I'm gonna teach him how to

drive it that's very sweet bill but

how'd you pay for this I have did out

the new car fund let me get this

straight you use the money we set aside

for a new family car and body use 1981

party van yes you beautiful beautiful

man I don't believe this you won't give

me money to buy clothes but Brian gets a

van Lauren honey there is a difference

I'm never gonna want to cruise around in

your clothes dad clones ride this this

is way through generous well this isn't

just for you this is a great family car

and have this much money in our account

how'd you swing this I had to kick in

some of the money I was saving for a

pool table but I figured this was more

important I want Brian to have a good

reliable car you ready for your next

lesson yeah I guess right ow I gotta

take the cork screw off that chain I

don't know but it rocks it's Icarus dad

everyone's a critic

it smells like incense in here I don't

want to drive it then give me please

just tell him that you're teaching me

now this means a lot to your dad you

know let's not break his heart further

by letting him know that he's not the

tremendous teacher that I am I didn't

say tremendous you didn't need to but I

didn't ask him to buy this okay here's

the deal either you get into this sweet

sweet new ride or you be completely

selfish and break that poor man's heart

but I cannot make this decision for you

I'll be in my room get in the van

hey Linda we're right outside your

apartment come on down we got some great

news for you no we're still married just

come on down oh man are these

glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the

ceiling either that or it's rusted

through the way it's really cool really

put on a jacket cuz it's about to get

way cooler you are never picking me up

from school on this honey now we have to

Hey look what I found look bill it's a

tear clip and we're sure honey but not

to school that's an at-home clip this is

your big surprise yeah hop on it will

take you for a ride in a new wheels okay

so if you guys are driving this what are

shaggy and velma using to chase ghosts

all right captain slept this baby into

gear or take a left hand six

are you doing signaling my turn Brian

six streets not for three blocks the

people on Third Street don't need to

know our business but mom said I show

listen to your father your job right

okay Jane laughs good job right judy

judy please good job right get into your

left hand lane

it was that a courtesy wave dad that God

just let me in courtesy wave why don't

you buy the guy some flowers Tekken

mom's been teaching you to drive I'm

sorry

[Applause]

you have been teaching him

[Music]

that was hot riding around in a stinky

van while Bill and Judy argue hey you

guys I ditched me in the woods that

would have been just like high school

kids go upstairs your mom and I need to

talk you know honey you're here oh my

god judy judy why would you do this I'm

his father I'm supposed to teach him how

to drive I know when you are very good

father it's just that well maybe

teaching isn't what you do best what are

you talking about well it seems like

every time you try to teach Bryan

something you get a little what spit it

out impatient you're crazy that's just

silly and you tend to belittle and then

Bryan doesn't learn anything and that's

why I came to me my top Bryan a million

things I taught him how to ride a bike

tires shoe swim oh no you didn't what

are you saying well I may have taught

him one or two of those things which one

uh how to ride a bike and how to tie

your shoes and swim now now I know I

taught my son how to swim well you

started him off you taught him a healthy

fear of the water we've been learning

all this stuff from you well at least

that explains why he throws like a girl

that's all him brian is very smart but

he gets rattled easily if you're gonna

do this you can't jump all over for

every little mistake I just got excited

this was supposed to be a special thing

something he'd always have from me my

dad taught me how to drive and you still

can you just have to be patient good cuz

I'd hate to think the only thing I

thought my son was how to pee his name

in the snow

oh okay pal you're doing great you are

one heck of a driver kiddo now you might

want to get over to your right dad I

know what I'm doing you're right you're

right from now on I'm gonna keep my

mouth shut and let you do it your way

thanks dad

Brian your rep what never mind but why

not I will you turn off that damn turn

signal good

[Music]

bill you have to come to bed eventually

I can't sleep I totally blew it with

Brian you didn't totally blow it he's

your son you just have to remember that

where'd you get that pie in the second

fridge we don't have a second fridge oh

yeah you really wanted Miss Julie this

was probably my last chance to teach

Brian anything well you're his father a

lot of hooey is he got from you like

what look at what he's good at math

science that check ur e game with the

horses chess exactly all of the stuff I

have nothing to do with did you really

just forget the word for chess that's

late I've had a lot of pie alright where

is this second fridge Kenny a break

other men have a woman on the side I

have a second fridge could that be it's

almost midnight Brian what is going on I

thought you up in your bed sleeping I'm

Bonnie Jackson's father I just got your

son sneaking out with my daughter in

this big disgusting man brian is this

true we weren't gonna go anywhere we

were just gonna sit in the car and talk

and stuff I think the kids call that

parking you say so we're we're not up on

that lingo you are so sorry we'll take

it from here you get upstairs young man

okay I had no idea Brian was this kind

of boy neither did we Oh rest assured

we'll deal with us appropriately tonight

can I did you hear that our son snuck

out after curfew picked up a girl and

was gonna go park in

see you did teach him something I guess

I did wonder if he got a chance to try

my hard left turn sku that's physics you

wouldn't understand seems almost a shame

the punishing oh but bill if we ground

him we get the fan to ourselves for a

couple of weeks well we don't want to

send the right message which is if the

Vans a-rockin don't come a-knockin it

and if you're full up high you shouldn't

even try hey where'd you get all that

money I sold some my mom sold t-shirts

turns out your boring old memories are

worth something after all I'm a little

light right now can I borrow ten bucks

she dad here you go so sweet that you

think that you can trick Oh still the

king

[Music]