02x06 - Still Shoplifting

[bunniefuu]

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guys I need to borrow 50 bucks to quote

the bank when we tried to take out our

first loan guys didn't even ask me what

I wanted it for well the bank didn't ask

us either which is a shame cuz we would

have run a damn fine all-you-can-drink

batting cage what do you need the money

for it's kind of complicated it's

computer thing oh right me and your ma

don't know nothin bout no computing

machines besides don't they only have

mon spaceships I need to buy an mp3

player Oh tv turns out we really don't

know nothing about no computing machines

a portable educational tool that stores

data in a digital format Ryan what's an

mp3 player it's kind of like a fancy

walkman shut up okay then that case the

answer is negatory that's kind of like a

fancy note just so lame all my friends

have mp3's well did you hear that I

didn't realize there was such pressure

on her to have you know what you're

right let's give her an mp3 really

absolutely Judy give me an M happy

[Applause]

hey where you going we were gonna give

you a DVD to

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[Applause]

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thank you guys have any more dryer

sheets no but we have paper towels an

old spice if you want to make your own

there next to the bleach why can't she

use the washer and dryer in her building

she says her laundry room was scared

well now ours is scary oh I need to

borrow something else what what is it

now what else could you possibly need

from us your daughter done wait wait

which one do you know you'll never guess

what I'm doing in my psychology class

making everybody wonder who brought

their mom the class who I'm doing an

experiment on how our male-dominated

culture inhibits girls and I'd like to

observe Tina well and I don't know if

I'm comfortable with you using Tina's a

guinea pig I mean we know nothing about

this experiment like what time it would

be and if it would be on a Saturday

night so the bill and I could go to a

movie Jujubee come on we're talking

about letting her experiment on our

child dinner in a movie fine gotta go

wait aren't you a little dressed up for

choir practice mom I quit choir since

when since I found out choirs for losers

uh honey it's always been for losers um

I gotta go my friends are here wait what

friends you wouldn't know him they're

new I didn't hear the doorbell oh they

called me from their cell phone they're

out on the sidewalk we'll call him back

and tell him to get in here so we can

meet up mom I am NOT gonna make them

come in the house it's embarrassing it's

not embarrassing this is embarrassing

hey girls come on in Laurens gonna be a

minute she's on the toilet

[Laughter]

hi I'm Judy Miller Lawrence mom this is

where you say your names mom this is a

Jeanette amber and Caitlin hi are you

all in the same grade yeah so where'd

you all meet speech team can we go now

no bill come on in here meet Lauren's

new friends she's still in the can cuz

my creams in there and I'm starting to

itch it's lauren and the laura nets so

where you kids off to I don't know

around you'll probably just go to the

mall and stuff well where's your old

friend Becca how come she's not going

with you guys Becca you mean blaka you

don't really hang out with the head

Lauren Becca's pin your best friend

since preschool she's not my friend

anymore can we go now fine be back by

nine my curfew's chan well tonight it

tonight did you get your mp3 yet oh yeah

we totally gave a one you guys won't

want to

[Applause]

don't you just hate Lauren's new friends

Oh less stuck-up snotty wearing trashy

makeup oh my god our daughters hanging

out with the popular girls you know

those girls think they are they have her

dressing like them and then got her to

quit choir and dump her best friend Oh

Judy relax it's age-appropriate for

teenagers to emulate pack behavior to

ease the transition out of the nuclear

family and into the social milieu also

age-appropriate to do laundry in your

own home on your 38 I think there are

bad influence and now they're out to the

mall doing god knows what Judy I think

at some point we have to trust our

little girl if we're good parents we've

given a hundred percent to our kids

which we have she'll make good decisions

which eatin dinner I made it no one else

is gonna okay maybe we gave eighty

percent Ryan sure that would tina where

is Tina okay forty percent

attention luggage line three just can't

decide sandy peach coral peach sandy

peach coral peach well we've been

looking at him for an hour i'm sure

you'd be happy with either one this is

my bathroom tile i'll be looking at it

for the rest of my life sandy peach

coral peach sandy beige coral peach hang

myself slit my wrists sit down what I'm

the pop trust me close your eyes you've

had a block of cheese which you wash

down with a bowl of rice you're in for

the long look in your eyes close them

again open them sandy peach Oh beautiful

all right I do I will call you in six

weeks bill hey guys you come down to see

where the magic happens no we need to

talk I just came back from picking up

lauren at the Oak Street Mall where she

was caught with her friend shoplifting

what I wasn't shoplifting I swear what

did she try to steal all the makeup in

the store looks like she smuggled it out

on her face she stole a bracelet I

didn't steal it I tried it on I forgot I

was wearing it and I walked outside I'll

tell you what happened she was trying to

impress her snotty new friends with how

cool she is so she sh*t lifted that is

so much okay okay let's not cause a

scene daddy already has three

attitudinal demerits whatever the hell

those are Lauren I need to talk to your

mother alone fine I'll go look at

clothes oh no I don't want you enjoying

yourself you stay here where your father

works Hey well what are we gonna do

about we have fun in this department you

know only this morning yeah let's stay

on our daughter okay we shouldn't let

her go out with those girls the other hi

but is it at least possible she's

telling the truth okay don't take this

the wrong way but I think I know better

when our daughters lying than you do oh

please that's crap I can look into my

little girl's eyes and tell if she's

lying oh really take your best sh*t I

will Lauren yes sweetheart we all make

mistakes but what's worse is lying about

him so tell me you didn't do it I'll

believe you if you did this is your

chance to take responsibility for your

actions so

we're punkin tell me the truth did you

steal that bracelet no daddy I didn't

steal it then I believe you you're off

the hook it's daddy you have got to be

kidding me Judy we have no proof she did

it on purpose she swears it was a

mistake and I looked into her eyes okay

Lauren go wait for me on the bench over

there please so we're just gonna let

this go yeah I know my little girl yeah

I know or two I used to be her well

that's the problem Judy your to like her

to be objective you're thinking like the

kid you used to be one of us has to be

mature about this attention appearances

employees you would like to see mr. Bill

Miller and ladies underwear I told you

we had fun in this department

come on Judy we're gonna be late the

movie starts at seven Oh bill relax

we're going the galaxy 24 it also starts

at 710 715 720 and 7 30 50 lipstick why

are you putting on makeup no one can see

you in there and you already bagged your

mousse unbelievable women are so

programmed by society that Judy feels

compelled to wear lipstick even when

she's sitting in the dark you feel

compelled to talking when nobody's

listening it's not joke Bell ok we

learned these gender roles when we're

very young but I believe that my

experiment will prove that in a gender

neutral environment Tina will be just as

free to choose this as this well I can

see you're choosing either it's the one

in the middle no one wants to play with

big plans for tonight Bonnie and I are

going bowling with Adam in this day and

afterwards I'm sleeping in atoms meaning

you're staying out late with Bonnie no

meaning I'm sleeping over at Adams oh I

got you know really dead I'm sleeping

over at Adams right Adams let me just

wink and be happy hey sweetie hi Daddy

oh hey Tina hi how are you today fine

how are you okay listen um we have an

experiment here I'm gonna give you some

toys here and when I tell you I want you

to choose one of them okay okay Tina do

you want the doll or the fire truck hey

camera is it on yes just ignore the

camera honey so which one do you choose

hello just forget the camera okay just

pick a toy I'm a beautiful princess you

can be the prince oh no I can't happy

the Prince honey cuz girls can't be

pretty would you just like a toy

coming hey Tina how do the wheels on the

bus go the wheels on the bus go Judy

what are you doing we got to get to the

theater am I gonna sneak into five

minutes of three other movies if we

don't leave now I came into Lauren's

room to borrow some lipstick and I

dropped the cabin and accidentally

rolled under the bed and look what I

found a brand-new mp3 player hey that's

the thing lorem wanted I couldn't afford

but somehow God now Judy don't jump to

conclusions we couldn't afford this

house somehow we got it well face it she

stole it and she stole the bracelet too

oh man I can't believe she'd do this to

me she looked me right in the eye and

lied I didn't steal it daddy I told you

I don't know why you're so surprised

because she didn't just lie d I have no

problem with lying I lie all the time

that lipstick looks great on you see but

did I look you in the eye did I call you

daddy hey guys what's going on well can

you explain what this mp3 player was

doing under your bed I have no idea come

on there's no store receipt you couldn't

afford to buy it tell me the truth this

time you stole it I didn't steal it I've

never seen it before that's the truth

really you're telling the truth how does

that lipstick look on your mother looks

you're a liar she looks like a circus

clown

I didn't steal that mp3 player I have no

idea how this got under my bed oh hang

on a second let me just check something

huh look at that I wasn't born yesterday

you were grounded for a month a month

two weeks for the bracelet in two weeks

for the mp3 player and you are forbidden

from seeing those snotty new friends of

yours why you kept pick my friends no

but you can't pick a lock which means

are gonna be stuck in this room until

tomorrow when you go to crazy John's and

apologize for stealing the mp3 player

and you don't want to mess with crazy

John cuz he's got that big Chain Saw

uses to slash prices it's so unfair I'll

tell you what's unfair we're gonna be

late for the movies if they run out of

cinnamon pretzels may God have mercy on

your soul

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thank you know you done showing the

camera your songs and your dances and

your but yeah I'm tired good pick a toy

great a toy that you want not a toy that

you think you should have because you're

a girl okay think it over carefully doll

or fire truck stinky doll you know what

you can have the doll it's fine just

remember that the doll is a very special

doll who can grow up to be whatever she

wants okay she's gonna be a princess or

a doctor or an astronaut or a painter

Ella's actual room pretty dress and she

won't mean a handsome friends well maybe

your doll will see that most of those

so-called princes or toads times they're

married toes so it's better to face the

fact that you might always be single and

never have kids that's ok cuz you can

always just throw yourself into a brand

new career Oh do you want to hold my dog

Linda I'm sorry your project turned out

to be such a bust I'm not completely

actually I got an a beard improve your

point well I talked to my professor and

explain my thesis and what went wrong

and as I turn to leave the office yeah

call me back and we talked a little and

he gave me an a were you wearing those

pants yeah what nah crapple men are pigs

[Laughter]

ah you better come through for me on

that final next week hey let go oh just

great we got all the way to crazy John

and Lauren refused to apologize that's

because I didn't steal it hey Lauren I

just want you to know that I still have

faith in you get my wallet out of your

way well if it's all right with

everybody I think I'll go to the kitchen

and get a snack but don't worry I'm

gonna pay for it because I don't want

you to accuse me of stealing oh honey I

know you're trying to prove a point but

just cost you three dollars Oh crazy

John say when you told him what happened

actually crazy John wasn't there I think

I talked to his sister spiti sue hey I'm

back from Adams house where I stayed

last night people didn't even notice I

was gone honey we noticed we missed you

at dinner I was here for dinner I'll on

whatever i'm going to bed okay what's up

with her she's grounded because she's

stolen mp3 player hilarious she's so

dumb if she just waited a week I bought

her one for her birthday water an mp3

player her birthday's next week I got

sick of her borrowing mine where is this

mp3 player get this she always scoops

around my room around a birthday so I

hate it under her bed see I figure she

never cleans under there

well we found the mp3 player and we

thought she stole it poor thing we've

been calling her a thief all week we

made a return it oh we need to return

her own birthday present you guys are so

screwed wait a minute did you guys get

my money back I don't want to hear it

from you mr. cuz none of this would have

happened if you've been here last night

we're worried anyway I was out all night

knocking over mailboxes and making out

with Barney you are in so much trouble

I'm kidding would you just let me have

this hey punkin you guys want I bet with

all the craziness going on around here

you could use a good laugh okay you're

ready to laugh here's Judy well uh your

father and I have been thinking and we

decided we believe you after all so

sorry oh man gives you three bucks back

trying to buy your own food your money's

no good here you guys have found out I

didn't steal that mp3 player all right

Brian told us he bought it for you for

your birthday and hid it under your bed

so I guess oops you made me give back my

birthday present you called me a thief

and all i get is in oops whoopsie Daisy

I'm sorry honey some of us wanted to

believe you

well the important thing here is that I

am innocent I didn't do anything yeah

you are and I should have believed you

yeah you should have you're right and I

don't blame you for hating me right now

you have every right to wasn't fair and

I'm sorry it's okay mom no no you

obviously have much better judgment than

I did at your age and I should have

given you more credit I just hope that

you can still trust me because I want us

to have an honest and open relationship

oh man I hate this we said we're sorry

no hate you for making me feel guilty I

didn't steal the mp3 player but I did

steal the bracelet Wow well I am really

proud of you for coming clean to tell

you the truth I have a confession to

make I was right hey you were right you

know her better she's just like you

she's nothing like me she fessed up I

never would have done that look I know

what I did was stupid but Jenna and the

other kids were taking stuff I didn't

want to seem scared but I'll never do it

again I'm overton in them so you finally

listened to your mother and me no I

figured it out on my own but because of

something we said actually it was

something I saw in the real world point

is she learned you less from the TV we

bought no first he ditched me when I got

caught and then they thought it was

funny I don't need friends like that

well however it happened I'm just happy

that you're finally figuring these

things out on your own so I guess I'm

not grounded oh no no you still stole

that bracelet and as a father and a

retailer I can't let that go unpunished

but because you came clean i'm reducing

your sentence from four weeks to two but

what calling off your birthday party you

guys forgot my birthday didn't you from

two weeks to one

touch that doll and you're dead to me

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