03x02 - Rocky Sucks

[bunniefuu]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Dwayne, the country needs you

in this moment of crisis.

Of course, Mr. President.

You mentioned the national emergency.

Yes.

America is in a difficult position

- right now. We...
- [NOTIFICATIONS CHIME]

Oh. Sorry.

It's Chatterbox.

They want me to go to the zoo

and cover the birth of a baby seal.

[SCOFFS] Ignore.

I thought you said he wasn't
part of the press anymore.

Well, Randall is here as my good friend,

my very quiet, good friend.

You gonna throw that key away?

- Oh.
- Just throw it... yeah.

- There you go.
- Okay. Well, as you know,

the global coffee shortage
is getting worse.

The people want a scapegoat,

so my approval rate is plummeting.

But there is a fix.

Are you familiar with
the country of Gjelgjiughm?

Oh, took home to gold,
silver, and bronze

in skeet sh**ting during
the Olympics.

- No.
- Then no.

Small country, fairly insular,

tends to keep itself out of the news.

But they have the perfect
coffee-growing climate.

Beans to spare.

You throw one bean in the air,
two come back in your face.

Now, I've proposed a trade deal

with their prime minister, Angela Honig.

But she rejected it immediately.

- Why is that?
- Because she hates me.

She made that clear
at a recent economic forum.

It was a hot mic situation.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

I mean, how in the world

did that idiot get elected?

- Have you ever seen his hands?
- [STALL DOOR OPENS]

[SCOFFS] They are soft as marshmallows,

pillowy as a duchess.

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- Say what?

M-my-my mic is what?

- Oh, my God.
- [LOUD THUD]

Also, my hands are
out of frame on purpose.

My hands are my best feature.

The prime minister will never make

that deal with me.

I have to be honest. It's getting tough.

I feel like in the eyes
of the American people

I can't do anything right.

I understand.

You just can't please the people

no matter how hard you try.

Mr. President, can I share
a story with you?

Ooh. [CHUCKLES] He does this.

Back in ,

when I was wrestling as Rocky Maivia,

I'd gone from intercontinental champion

to afterthought.

Vince McMahon had lost
his faith in me as a star.

And just to sweeten the pot,

I'd done a real number on my knee
in a match against Mankind.

Hey, is there, like,
a code that wrestler's use

to let each other know
an injury is real?

Yeah, it's...

Ugh, my knee. Agh, I hurt my knee.

Let's get you out of here.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GROANS]

[BELL DINGS]

Now, as a baby face,

the fans are supposed to love me.

Instead...

ALL: Rocky sucks! Rocky sucks!

They absolutely hated me.

You put your body on the line,

it's good to know they appreciate it.

You think this is the type of situation

where that saying, "add
insult to injury" comes from?

Yeah, probably, Bruno. Probably.

Die, Rocky, die.

I just have to smile
and take it like... ah!

You all right? Your knee buckle?

No, one of those popcorn kernels

- fell in my boot.
- Damn.

Lord ain't grantin' you
no dignity today.

ALL: Rocky sucks! Rocky sucks!
Rocky sucks!

Ahh.

So what'd the doctor say?

She said no surgery.

So a couple months of rest and rehab

- and I'll be good to go.
- Oh.

That's terrible news, son.

Rocky, no surgery is great news.

Babe, don't sugarcoat it.

When a wrestler isn't over
with the fans,

- which you are not...
- Yes, I know. Thank you.

When you're not over and you get hurt,

that gives the WWF an opportunity

- to cut you loose.
- Hey!

Don't talk to him like that right now.

- He is delicate.
- I'm not delicate.

I say you are delicate;
you are delicate, Dewey.

My dad was right. I felt like my career

once again hung in the balance

and I had no control over my fate.

But my family did the best
they could to stay positive.

Honey, do you need another
pillow behind you back?

Pretty limited on pillow options.

I'll pick you up some more.

Dany doesn't believe in throw pillows.

She says they just take up space.

They just take up... what?

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey!

Oh, Dany!

Hi. Hi, Ata. How are you?

- Babe. How are you feeling?
- Good.

He's puttin' on a brave face, Dany.

His career is hangin' on by a thread.

- Uh...
- You know what?

Rocky, why don't you show Dany

your T-shirt designs from the gym.

Yes.

Dany, you're a businesswoman.

Give me your eyes.

So I had some merch mocked up...

- Mm-hmm.
- For my wrestler training gym.

Okay.

- What do you think?
- Let me see.

- These are all the same.
- Mm-mm. Check the neckline.

Deep, deeper, and deepest.

I told him go deepest.

Popped pecks pay rent checks.

You gotta listen to your partner, Rocky.

She's supposed to be a silent partner.

You said that, not me.

Well, I think it's great
that you invested

in Rocky's new endeavor.

Just make sure that you have
everything in writing.

- We don't need that.
- We are family.

I'm gonna stay out of it.

But-but...

How's your ice? You need a new pack?

No thanks, Mom. I'm okay.

You sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm feeling great.

Rehab went really well.

I can put my weight
on my knee no problem.

Ah, that's great to hear, kid.

My only complaint
is my physical therapist keeps

referring to it as "our knee".

[CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.
- Good, good.

So when do you think
you'll bring me back?

Um, you know, I'll talk to Vince.

When we make a decision,
we'll give you a call.

Cool. Cool. So, like, uh, when?

Exactly! Listen, I gotta go.

Keep up the good work, Dewey.

- Okay.
- Au revoir.

- Anything?
- [SIGHS] Super vague

about when or if they'll bring me back.

It's definitely when, not if.

I hope so. Though I'm
not exactly psyched

to go back to being showered
with "Rocky sucks" chants.

I know.

But you can't control
whether people like you or not.

Well, unfortunately
it's my job to control

whether they like me or not.

- [SIGHS]
- You know, you've got options.

What do you mean?

If wrestling doesn't work out,

you'll always have
that criminology minor

from Miami.

[SIREN WAILS]

[RADIO CHATTER]

What do you got?

Detective Johnson, here's the victim.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Oh, God.

Another child.

Actually, sir, victim
was full-grown adult male.

- You're just really big.
- Mm-hmm.

Good job, everybody. Mm.

I don't think that's my calling.

Maybe not, but my point stands.

You have great options in your life

no matter what happens.

Thanks, babe.

Although sometimes it's not
about having options.

Hmm? Sometimes it's
about knowing what you want.

Yeah? And you know what you want?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I do.

I do.

♪ ♪

Dany and I had been thinking
about getting married

since we moved in together.

But between her career and mine,

we could never find the right time.

♪ ♪

So we embraced my down time,

and threw the party of our dreams.

♪ ♪

After worrying so much

about what other people thought of me,

it felt good to focus on my
own happiness for once.

I couldn't be happier for you, son.

- Thank you, Dad.
- [CHUCKLES]

- She ain't pregnant is she?
- Dad, no.

Okay, good.

'Cause she drinkin' a lot
for a pregnant woman.

Oh, look at all these gorgeous presents.

Wait, what is that?

It's like a microwave
that's also a radio.

The presets are defrost,
popcorn, and Cool . ?

Maybe keep it under your kitchen sink.

It's from Vince. I... is he not here?

I thought you said he RSVP'd "yes"?

He did.

What do you think it means
he didn't show?

I'm sure it just means he's busy.

Besides, today's not about the gifts.

It's about my beautiful boy
and his darling wife

looking gorgeous and happy
on their wedding day.

[CHUCKLES] Mm! Ohh!

Mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm, mm...

This is gonna go on
for about an hour or so.

- I'm more than good with that.
- Mm.

My mom was right.

And I was grateful for
all my friends and family

that were there to help me celebrate.

Can you say a few words

about Dwayne and Dany on their big day?

Look, I'm not gonna say
I'm disappointed, but, uh,

I was really expecting a roasted pig

for this occasion.

So you work with Dany
at Merrill Lynch, huh?

Yep. Dany is the best...

I believe in an unbalanced portfolio.

Yeah. Risk and aggression...

now that is what the Macho Man
is all about, baby.

Yeah, dig it. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry, I think I'm drinking
out of your glass.

Can't keep it straight. [CHUCKLES]

Like, I purposely didn't
eat pig yesterday

'cause I thought for sure
that we were gonna

have pig today.

Yeah, Fa'amalo, Dewey and Dany.

And sorry for asking for that plus one.

She did not want to come.

And there-there-there's no...

there's no pig.

[SALT-N-PEPA'S "PUSH IT"]

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby, ooh, baby ♪

So how long do we think

until one of these guys
splits their pants?

That's why ol' Bruno always travels

- with a sewing kit.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, look at that.

I didn't know that Dewey
had moves like that.

- All right, Dewey. Whoo!
- ♪ Push it ♪

That knee looks great, too.

Oh, he's been incredibly diligent

- with his rehab.
- Yeah.

I just hope it pays off.

You know how Vince can be.

It's like I always say,
Vince doesn't send

a gold-plated microwave
that's also a radio

to wrestlers he doesn't believe in.

Oh, that's what you always say, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

Hey, that's boy's got , lives.

And I don't think we've even
seen three of them yet.

- All right?
- [CHUCKLES]

♪ Salt-N-Pepa's here
and we're in effect ♪

And I've known Dewey
since he was yea high.

Come to think of it,
I owe the kid a headband.

And say a few words

about Rocky Johnson's new training gym.

At the corner of Freemont
and Lemon Grove

next to the -Hour Tires.

.

- Go there, Hulkamaniacs.
- .

- Hey, Hulkster.
- There he is.

- Congrats, newlywed.
- Hollywood himself.

Thanks for coming, brother.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

I guess when the invite said black tie,

I forgot to mention black mustache.

I'll be honest, the bleach job

is hell on my nostrils.

Oh, yeah. It's hell on my eyes, too.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It's good to see you happy, brother.

Thank you.

Look, I've been catching you
on "Raw", and I feel for you.

The fans can be cruel.

Yeah, I mean, they hate me, Hulk.

I mean, tonight's been amazing, but...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried

about where my career is going.

Look, you got more personality in you

than what you're showing
as Rocky Maivia.

- He's so...
- Earnest?

- I was gonna say punchable.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

But, yeah, earnest is good, too.

I just wish I could see you being

more of yourself out there.

You're good with words.
You should use them.

I wish.

Right now it feels like I'm fighting

with one hand tied behind my back.

Well, hey...

here's to that wish coming true.

Cheers, brother.

You got any lactate?

My tummy ain't much for dairy.

- I, uh...
- Screw it.

I'll hit the dance floor
and blame Macho.

- Okay.
- Hey, Macho!

Now, what Hulk had said

was something that I had been feeling

for a while, which was,

there wasn't enough me in Rocky Maivia.

I just didn't know
if I'd ever get the chance

to be more authentic.

But, you know, after my wedding,

I was in a much better headspace.

I had taken control of what I could.

And I was also reminded

about how much I loved wrestling.

I was in the right place

to get a life-changing phone call.

Ready for the honeymoon express?

- Don't tell anyone I said that.
- I won't.

In a few hours, we'll be swimming

with dolphins in Tahiti.

Hey, how many do you think it'll take

to pull me around the pool,
two, maybe three?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE RINGS]

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?

Dwayne! Congratulations.

Hey, Vince.

I hear it was a beautiful ceremony.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Hey, and thank you for the microwave.

Don't use it. It's been recalled.

Cancer stuff. Terrible product.

I'm sending you a blender instead.

Oh. Okay.

So seems like rehab's been going well.

I heard you were out on the dance floor

cutting a rug with that knee.

Yeah, yeah, it has. I feel great.

Glad to hear it.

Looks like it's time to bring you back.

It is?

Great. Thank you.

What would you think
about coming back as a heel?

- Heel?
- Changing it up.

Honestly, I think that's a great idea.

I've been wanting to shake things up,

and I feel like I've got
a lot more to offer the WWF.

We think so, too.

Okay. Excellent.

We'll see you in Biloxi in a week.

- Okay.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

- Biloxi in a week.
- Ah! [CHUCKLES]

That's so weird.

Biloxi was my second choice
for honeymoon destinations.

[LAUGHTER]

So Vince's plan was to have me turn heel

and join the Nation of Domination.

Now, you gotta understand,
back then in the WWF,

they were all about grouping
its wrestlers together

in crews and in factions.

And they were also all about
just complete chaos

in the best way.

Yeah, I was a big Hart Foundation fan.

I like a guy with the confidence

to wear pink pants.

[CHUCKLES] Well,
our gimmick in the Nation

was militant Black badasses.

And I was put over by our leader,

and one of my good friends,

the legendary Ron Simmons,
who went by Farooq.

The official knocked silly on that one.

Wait a minute, there's Rocky Maivia.

What's he doing in the ring?

I loved Vince's plan for my match.

I'd go from a punchable good guy

to one bad dude.

Booyah!

Wait, that was your "bad dude" look?

Are those denim shorts?

Hey, that was the fashion of the time.

What? Wait a minute!

Rocky Maivia's rehabilitation
for his knee injury

has been complete.

- And what is going on here?
- There's your winner, Farooq!

Then Vince had Farooq make me an offer.

Does sweet, smiling Rocky Maivia

join the Nation?

And when I finally accepted,

I was really sure I was gonna
blow everybody's mind.

Whoa, I think we have
a new member of the Nation.

I remember that. That was pretty badass.

I thought so too.

You know who didn't think that?

- The crowd.
- Yeah!

[WWE'S "WE ARE THE NATION"]

♪ Nation of Domination ♪

♪ ♪

Happy to have you with us, Rock.

Yeah, it's an honor to be with you guys.

Hey, uh, be honest.

I get a pop at all out there?
It felt quiet.

I'ma always sh**t you straight.

You ain't pop worth a damn.

Straight out the gate, huh?

- Snap, crackle, no pop.
- And you're still going.

Orville Redenbacher you are not.

- Great.
- It was so quiet

- I thought I lost my hearing.
- Wow.

Okay, so why do you think
Vince put me with the Nation?

Race. I'd say race.

I mean, I-I get the race thing.

I don't love it, but I get it.

But why does Rocky Maivia
the man belong in the Nation?

Like, what's my angle?

You're the fourth man
in a four-man crew.

I don't think Vince
is thinking about your angles.

Doesn't matter if I'm
a baby face or a heel.

Nobody gives a damn.

People ain't gonna give a damn

till you make them give a damn.

You son of a bitch.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Boss, I got my time card
here for you to sign.

[GRUNTS] I worked one hour on Monday.

- [GROANS]
- Two hours on Tuesday.

- Wednesday was a bank holiday.
- [YELLING]

Four hours on...

Pat, you think I could get
a few minutes with the boss?

Yeah, I think we're good here.

That was a pretty perfect take.
Let's cut!

Nailed it.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]

Yeah, so I think if I'm
gonna have any sh*t

of getting over as a heel,

I need some time on the mic
to show my personality.

[CHUCKLES] Kid, "Raw" is like
a fine-tuned Swiss watch, hmm?

Timed to the second.

Or better yet, like a sausage
that's been stuffed

full of pork to the brink of expl*si*n.

- We don't have extra time.
- I understand. I do.

But the fans need to know

why Rocky Maivia is turning heel.

Otherwise, they're never gonna care.

I just need a chance
to show them the real me.

I'm listening.

So if you gave me, like, minutes

- to explain it to them...
- I'll give you .

- I'll take it.
- Yeah.

But, you know, /
would give me some time

to work in some backstory... is fine.

Ultimately, that was a vote
of confidence from Vince.

I mean, getting microphone time

on a live broadcast of "Raw"
is precious.

And he still believed
in Rocky Maivia enough

to give it to me, and I
had to prove him right.

I had one sh*t to make
the crowd give a damn.

So did you know what you were gonna say?

I just wanted to be honest.

♪ We are the Nation ♪

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

♪ Nation of Domination ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Nation of Domination ♪

Oh, Dewey looks so cute
when he's acting tough.

Heel looks good on him.

Rocky, pull up your t*nk.

Your son's wife can see your chi-chis.

Everybody can see 'em.

I worked hard on these babies. Ba-boom!

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. Great.

- You lookin'?
- I'm... I'm not looking.

Come on, Dewey, let's do this.

Old man Johnson,

I want you to take a look
at this man right here.

As Farooq was giving his promo,

time slowed down for me
as I waited for my moment.

All I knew is that I wanted
to be my honest,

authentic self.

And as I looked out into the crowd

at all those fans who had given me hell

over the past year, it all became clear.

Tell 'em, Rocky.

I've got three words...

die, Rocky, die.

That's the gratitude I get
from you pieces of crap...

- [AUDIENCE BOOING]
- For all my blood, my sweat,

and my tears?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

This isn't about the color of my skin.

This is about respect.

I became the youngest
intercontinental champion

in WWF history.

And what did it get me?

In arenas across the country,

I heard chants of "Rocky sucks".

[CROWD CHANTING "ROCKY SUCKS"]

Well, Rocky Maivia's a lot of things,

but sucks isn't one of them.

And I want to make one thing clear

to all you jackass fans out there.

Rocky Maivia and the new
Nation of Domination

lives, breathes, and dies respect.

And we will earn it

by any means necessary.

[CROWD BOOING]

♪ We are the Nation of Domination ♪

At that moment, I felt incredible.

I mean, finally getting a chance

to express myself, my true self...

Kind of like when I played Kim Jong Un,

- except no one saw it.
- I saw it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. You were great.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

But, you know, at that time,

I didn't know whether or not

my promo registered with the fans

or even the WWE executives.

You've gotta remember it was .

So there was no hopping on social media

to get instant reactions.

- Oh, that sounds amazing.
- If only.

But you must have had
some read on how it went.

How did it go backstage?

Hey, Pat.

Interesting stuff there, Rock.

Yeah, what'd you think?

They were riled up, right?

I mean, at least some of them.

Uh, I mean you rattled a few cages,

but it could be cheap heat.

You called them pieces of crap.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

That was fun. I did enjoy that.

I'll give you this,
you were more interesting

in the last two minutes

than you've been in the last six months.

Wow, okay.

Everybody just out the gate
with the honesty.

Interesting isn't always
necessarily good.

You know? My cat throws up
a human thumb.

Is it interesting? Sure.
But is it good? No.

- Did that really happen?
- Hey, stay focused.

What matters now is what
the folks at home think

about the new Rocky Maivia.

Eh, we'll find out soon enough.

The next live show's in five days.

You step out into that crowd in Chicago,

we'll know all we need to know
about whether you got over.

Thanks, Pat.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I casually walked
by Vince four times that night

and got nothing.

I didn't know how any of it
was gonna shake out.

But either way, I'm glad I did it.

It allowed me the opportunity
to be my true, authentic self,

to control my narrative.

And that, Mr. President,
is exactly what you need to do.

You're right.

Thank you for your insight, Dwayne.

You are a gifted storyteller.

Isn't he?

Which is why I need you
to bring some of that magic

to Gjelgjiughm and solve
this coffee crisis for us.

Turns out Prime Minister Honig
is a huge Rock fan.

She uses your catchphrases
in her speeches.

She knows all of your matches in detail,

and I think, with
the exception of "Huskies",

has seen all of your movies.

Is she not an animation fan
or something?

Because "Huskies" was good.

We need you to fly to Gjelgjiughm

and convince her to take
this coffee trade deal.

America needs you, Dwayne Johnson.

You are the only man for this job.

Will you go on a coffee run for America?

I'm honored, Mr. President. Thank you.

- But no.
- Fantastic. Wait...

wait, I didn't hear that last bit.