04x09 - Still Avoiding Christmas

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

he'll have you seen my holiday to-do

list no I just put up the outdoor Santa

it was so heavy I had to pull it by its

feet across the lawn the neighbors

thought I was bringing you home from

your office party oh I love Christmas

break spending time with the people that

mean to most me oh my friends I'll be at

the mall minute honey I thought today

we'd go as a family to get our Christmas

tree dude even going to your parents for

christmas we don't need to get a tree we

need a plan we could smoke no we parents

are a drag car keys please no I'm sorry

your brother needs the car for his new

job brian is blowing his Christmas

vacation on a job could he be any more

lame that's hiding tall answer would be

yes well I'm off to my caroling job at

the mall our group is called the

Fezziwig two straight out of Dickens it

ain't straight you're gonna get the

Dickens me that in people I have to go

see you at Eventide little fiddle

people's life it'll prob dude a doozy oh

great so now I'm stuck here thanks to

the nerd full Dodger Warren you're not

stuck we could go Christmas shopping and

maybe skating can't down help you with

your shopping no your father has a

disability he's lazy I'm still waiting

for you guys to put in ramps at least

you can help me out by forging your

father's signature on these Christmas

card make sure you put something

personal on each one shows that I care

great so because brian has a job he gets

out of everything well I have to do all

the boring Carcosa but on my cape goosey

goosey goosey gum goosey go to

tiki god help us everyone

[Applause]

[Music]

hey man okay say I don't see you before

the holidays and got you a little

something oh oh I love it 16 ounces just

my side and here's the garden Oh to my

best friend in the world every morning I

wake up and thank the heavens who I want

to read that later I don't know glass of

wine and kind of let myself go Stetson

it is Christmas hell out there I've been

to three stores and I still can't find

penis crappy overpriced Daisy dumbass

doll which Santa is bringing I don't

care who brings it just give it here by

the 25th primary keep it down at p's and

eats and talks I swear I'm going to have

another child and let her race him isn't

that why we have Tina for Lauren to play

but it's like a vicious endless cycle I

am wiped out i still have a million

things to do i have to bake cookies for

the office party by a grab bag gift

finish shopping for the kids i have like

a thousand presents to wrap by the way

i'm planning to get you a really special

Christmas gift I just need to know what

you want where to go and money I have a

great idea let's not get each other a

gift this year it'll be one less thing

for me to do that it also give me one

less thing to do which would bring your

list 20 sweet you don't think she's

really serious about the no presents

thing do you I'm taking another word and

hoping to stretch it to Valentine's Day

dude women are complicated sure right

now she says no presence but then she's

gonna get off oh it's the holidays I

have to buy villa present cuz he's so

sweet and warm and the most wonderful

person in the well I covered some of

this is my card

my point is you do not want to show up

empty-handed maybe you're right I should

probably pick her up a little something

you know you seem to know a lot about

women after three marriages I am

sensitive to the fact that women be nuts

love the holidays crap i'm not a

cinnamon dot think anyone will notice

that the buttons on these snowmen more

advil no just tell them not to have more

than one cookie every four hours listen

I got some bad news I can't go with you

guys I mom and dad for christmas why not

well I got to do with parrying Reno he's

the MC of a holiday review called jingle

boots which is a lot classier than it

sounds it's not is it are you still

gonna make those side dishes mom

assigned to you oh yeah of course you're

not are you great add another thing to

my list oh sorry I just don't have time

to cook do you mind well since it's

Christmas and I love you I'll make

Lauren do it

whatever it is i can't i just got a job

waiting tables at platters they needed

some extra help for the holidays how do

i put you're not giving me money for

college we were going to see how high

school pans out wait a minute I'm not

sure I like you working all the way

across town and not coming home till

late I get to bring home leftover pie

carry mace and don't wake me when you

come in unless it's chocolate cream or

bury you know make it all pies Christmas

stuff what happened nothing we haven't

seen comments as he said turn off the

football game the tonys are on I just

couldn't believe it we were singing the

12 days of Christmas and people started

throwing food you know 12 mini hot dogs

11 frozen yogurts 10 will you get the

idea anyway them all fired us that's

wonderful honey you could be my holiday

helper it'll be fun man I thought mom

was taking care all the Christmas crap

around here yeah I got a job now for car

keys please we're about at Linda oh I'll

be with my husband having a good old

fashioned topless Christmas wait you

know yeah I try to spread a little

holiday cheer on what did it get you

some salted pretzels and a son that is

slowly k*lling me

hey welcome to splatters would you like

to hear the specials sure so I am

starving let's find a real waitress how

your parents really think you work here

yeah it was the perfect scam to get out

of my mom's holiday chores now brian has

to be your christmas off but the loser

even has a costume so after we eat you

want to go back to my house and see how

we're doing on rate your butt org yeah i

bet we both scored a know your

family here what the hell are you doing

here well we had to take a little trip

to the emergency room there was a slight

electrical missed half while Brian was

hanging the Christmas lights he got all

shaky it was hilarious good news is I

took a picture and I'm fine

so we are in the neighborhood we thought

we'd see our girl at work aren't you

gonna see them uh yeah yeah they say me

I'll take it from here I understand you

accept competitors coupons yeah it's not

a coupon you just broke free steak on a

piece of paper actually I'm not going to

be waiting on you guys they already have

me training a new girl and don't mention

me because she's a little insecure

yakshi the movies welcome to platters

where service matters the specials are

on the board don't make me read them

you can come out now they're gone oh

that was close under there forever you

know it looks sister h croutons off the

floor can't believe I pulled it off my

friends think Brian's the smart one and

they're right your button ah oh where

are you talking about I am just waiting

on Becca would you like to see our wine

would okay dropping your little scans /

I saw a picture of your new be on the

wall she was Employee of the Month in

1959 gonna rat me out to mom and dad

actually no I had another idea oh god

Brian let's go live to him that night

gown i bought for Grandma and you're her

size oh sorry mom I can't help you

anymore i just got a job here too but

you're supposed to be helping me but

when do they need you to start your at

me happy birthday right now happy okay

from your friends at letters

[Music]

hey there you are I've been looking all

over you you're not in line to see Santa

Claus all right now if you're gonna bet

vibe me anyway I took your advice and

bought Judea CD right now you're all set

in case your Springs and president on

you yeah I just hope I gotta the right

thing Wow look at that is a beautiful

ray ok TV never expect me to buy

something like that all of these only

come around once you're here you know

what you're right i'm buying myself a

think you might just love the feeling of

Christmas there's just something in the

air smell of 5,000 people in overcoats

bad that I pretend I laser vision and

every time I blink my eyes and blowing

somebody's head up Judy Betty's got the

Christmas you're trying to float my head

aren't you not working dholna jewelry

store what's he doing in to you looks

like i'll tell him to go to ring and

sweet sweet man we said no presence but

he couldn't resist come on I gotta go

find him something special he's just

when you think he's only thinking about

himself and does something generous like

that what the hell I'll take the one

with the bigger stones I'm worth it

[Music]

Tina Marie ah we're leaving for Grandma

and Grandpa's three hours in the car did

you go to the bathroom yes already stop

treating me like a baby I was talking to

your father all set let's go I love you

what was that for no I just love you I

don't like the sound of that have a good

time at Grandma and Grandpa's it tells

me that you two aren't going with us I

should call your boss and tell him how

important it is to spend Christmas with

your family No you'll get us fired yeah

if I get blacklisted as a waitress what

kind of future am I gonna have mah I

guess not much of one thank you I think

okay well you to be safe and don't

forget the most important thing no more

mincemeat I don't care what anyone says

it's not a pie by what you see you know

who needs Christmas anyway we're way too

old for that besides we have the whole

house to ourselves I'm gonna invite

Becca over we're gonna crank call all

the dweebs in our school oh great and he

keeps coming over for a jam session

since when are you guys in a band no

silly we're making jam oh sounds cool

I'm going to need yours and high King's

phone number shirt

[Music]

well he's got off the phone with her

team of course you're spending Christmas

Eve with his family so you can't make

jam no he's the one with the double

boiler Becca's hanging out with her

parents too loser LOSC are it's both

loser which I guess also applies well I

just don't know the fun at their missing

when they're wasting time with their

family they sure don't do you want to

crank call me again you were way too

happy just to be getting a phone call

you know what let's kick this party up a

notch I know just the thing I already

told you once i am not going to help you

set up your Star Wars nativity scenes

beer party time wow this must be the

kind of needs an opener oh and that must

be our pizza pizza beer it's good to be

grown up huh wrap up its mom and dad

we're supposed to be work quick to the

basement let's get my sick baby up to

bed I can't believe we're not gonna make

it to your folks house be sure and find

out exactly what she ate so we can give

it to her again next year bill fish

sticks this week stop for dinner I'm

starving

you know least it's a Christmas miracle

dad's eating our pizza how do you know

well he's making those creepy moans and

that can only mean two things I don't

hear mom saying hurry up so it's got to

be the pizza suck come on I'm cold and

hungry we just go out there and tell

them the truth no you have to wait till

mom and dad policy they'll just sent

that we got in late from walks you're

right yeah I can do this oh no dad's

modes are getting louder you know what

that means you found the cheesy branding

well Tina has a fever but she managed

fall asleep did you order a pizza no but

I thought about it technology is amazing

well I have to say don't mind missing

the trip to indiana but now we have

nothing planned for christmas or do we I

know we said we wouldn't but I couldn't

help myself i bought you a little

something I couldn't help myself either

I bought you something too no stop you

didn't I don't believe it you big crazy

present guy we are still have you think

Christmas I'll put on some music you

start a fight off we need something to

burn hey where's Brian's cape and that

stupid hat here found the Christmas tree

skirt to keep warm are they doing a

little bit I put on music and I think

they'd let a fire like like we do every

year we open presents do you remember

last year for breakfast mom made those a

little pancake shaped like snowmen and

sure what I love you in syrup yeah

stupid pancake stupid I love you in

syrup

Merry Christmas honey a watch Wow and

it's got those fancy Super Bowl numbers

on it you mean Roman numeral you'd be

the Super Bowls American well you

deserve it now show you how much you

mean to me a CD issue paper more tissue

paper here it is I mean what's really

what is it you do in free with purchase

no more broken fingernails for you my

lovely lady where the hell's my ring

what I signed the mall buying a ring

who's it for who do you want more than

me you bought yourself a pinky ring it's

my birthstone well I hope you and your

hand will be very happy together Judy I

don't know what you're so mad about

you're the one who said no president I

know but then I saw you in the mall and

I don't know I thought you know what

you're right thank you wait why because

I did this to myself I lost the

Christmas spirit i turn the holidays

into a big list of chores and now I'm

paying the price for it look at this

lousy christmas no tree no dinner Tina's

sick and the worst part is Brian and

Lauren aren't even here just feel kind

of weird especially since this is the

last Christmas before Brian goes away to

college do you realize this may be the

last time we're all together for the

holidays wow I really thought of it that

way

stupid college know why I'm making such

a big deal of her stupid ring what I

really really wanted our family to be

together Christmas isn't about present I

I still get to keep the watch right the

only present that would make me happy

right now is it Brian and Lauren we're

here I really miss them we're here home

well we were hiding in the basement

because we lied about having jobs we

didn't want to spend our whole Christmas

vacation during a bunch of boring

Christmas chores are going to Grandma

and Grandpa but we heard all the

wonderful things you said so we're

giving you the present that you really

wanted all of us together Merry

Christmas mom what can't believe you

lied to me there's a job for you trying

to survive without TVs phones computers

and possibly food now get upstairs Just

Answer come yet honey what are you doing

out of bed I'm feeling better now can we

open presents not your brother and your

sister they've been very bad and they're

being punished so there's no Christmas

mommy oh you know what get down here all

yeah really yeah I'll be mad tomorrow

tonight it's Christmas we may not have a

lot but we have each other and really

what else do you need the presents are

ruined at exactly 11 35

I'm feeling better no wait a minute

[Music]

wouldn't have it any

away cause you back

[Applause]