How much longer?
You just asked me that seconds ago.
Oh.
How about now?
Jim, it's a pregnancy test, not a meat loaf.
Great. Now I'm hungry, too.
Cheryl, what if it's positive?
Well, I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have another kid.
No, no, no, no, it would be great!
Great to... (SCOFFS) Come on!
You know what? I don't even care if it's a boy or a girl,
as long as it's healthy and a boy.
(EXHALES)
How much longer?
I don't know.
(STAMMERS) And I don't care, because if it is positive...
It would be great! Yeah!
Absolutely fantastic! Yeah!
Can you imagine Christmas with four kids opening presents?
(BOTH GUFFAWING)
(STAMMERS) You know, I hope it's twins!
Oh!
That would be twice the blessing.
Yeah.
(BELL DINGING)
(EXHALES) Negative!
Oh, thank god!
(BOTH CHEERING)
Oh, we're not having a baby! Oh, thank god!
Oh, that was close!
Oh, too close! Okay, let's do it!
Oh! Whoa! Don't... Jim! Wait!
What?
Well, we just had a pregnancy scare.
Don't you think we should, you know, talk about it?
Why! We just dodged a b*llet! You're not pregnant.
No : a.m. feedings, no diapers.
Come on, baby. It's naked time!
Come on.
Jim...
If we're this happy about not having another baby, don't you think we should...
Take precautions to make sure it doesn't happen again?
Yes, I completely agree.
You do whatever it takes and I'll pick you up at the doctor's office.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
No, no!
For me, it's major surgery and a hospital stay.
For you, it's quick and simple. Snip, snip.
(GROANS) Ouch!
Snip, snip?
Yeah. No, no. Ow, ow!
No, no!
No way "Snip, snip" with that...
Ooh, the sound of that.
Come on. It's not happening.
God doesn't like it when you...
Mess around with his handiwork.
It's in the bible.
Oh, come on.
It is so!
"Thou shalt not commit vasectomy."
Do you really want to go through this again?
Oh, come on, Cheryl, do you know why men wear cups at sporting events?
To protect what's precious to them.
Why would I pay some guy to take a Kn*fe to it?
Because for you, it's safer, faster...
And cheaper.
Cheaper.
Damn it!
Honey, we can be so much more spontaneous.
I mean, there's no more stopping what we're doing
to fumble around for birth control.
Well, you're the one fumbling. I'm just waiting.
Yeah, and there's nothing more romantic than hearing you say,
"Cheryl, let's go, tick tock."
I say it a little more romantically than that, thank you.
Jim. What?
If you do this, we can do whatever we want
whenever you want.
Oh, come on, I've heard that song and dance before
when you wanted me to eat more roughage.
Uh-uh. I'm not buying it.
Okay, okay. But did I offer you "Wherever you want"?
You're bluffing.
Am I?
You know, at the new movie theater down at the mall
they have armrests that fold up so that a person...
Or two...
Can lie down flat.
Wow, sex and a movie.
But I get to pick the movie.
Oh, I don't care. We just had sex. I'll be asleep.
JIM: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] Oh, baby![/span]
Jim, good morning.
Hi, Dr. Schulman.
So, you all prepped and ready to go?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was a little weird trimming the infield there, you know.
But after it was done,
it felt quite comfortable and breezy.
Well, you're not the first one to say that.
You know, once you trim the shrubbery, the tree looks bigger.
You are the first one to say that.
So, uh, if you wouldn't mind just laying back,
put your feet in the stirrups.
Come on, doc, I mean,
aren't you going to at least buy me a drink first? (LAUGHS)
Okay, I'm going to talk you through this.
It's really a very simple procedure.
I'll begin by manipulating the scrotum
so I can locate the vas deferens.
And, uh, then I will grip it firmly
and inject this local anesthetic into your testicles.
Then you're going to feel a little pinch, and I'll make the incision.
Once I cut and cauterize it,
you'll be completely sterile.
Back off, back off, back off with the needle!
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. There's going to be no cauterizing,
no sterilizing, no "Izing" whatsoever!
Jim, just relax.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
What if, god forbid, something happened to my wife,
or she finally wises up and leaves me?
I mean, I've got a responsibility to my second wife,
you know, and her being ,
she's going to want to have another kid!
Jim, I met Cheryl at the consultation.
You're not doing any better.
Trust me, you're done.
Now, just lay back on the table.
You know, you're having a normal reaction.
(STAMMERS) Normal?
Is it normal for you to be slapped by a shaved man in a paper dress?
Because that's what is going to happen!
Back off!
What kind of a man does this for a living?
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Oh, and by the way, I broke your nutcracker.
Oh, you brave, brave man.
Are you in a lot of pain?
No, not really, Cheryl, but I need to tell you...
(SHUSHING) You know what? You can tell me about it later.
I'm sure that wasn't fun.
(SIGHS) No.
No, It wasn't.
(SIGHS)
You don't even realize how strong you are.
Oh, no, Cheryl, I'm not strong at all.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
I am so proud of you.
Do you know, the nurse was telling me
that some men chicken out at the last minute
and run out like little girls?
But not you, no.
You were willing to go through this for me...
For us.
You are my hero.
Well, Cheryl...
That's what heroes do.
Well, let's get you home,
because I am going to take such good care of you.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Cheryl, listen.
I'm feeling a little weak. Can you pull the car up?
Of course. You sit right there.
Oh, oh, baby, okay. Just sit right there.
(GROANS)
Daddy, we made you a get-well hat.
Put it on.
Oh, girls, it's so lovely, but...
It's much too beautiful to wear.
Put it on!
Do you feel better now, daddy?
I know I do.
Okay, you girls ready?
Where are you taking them?
Cheryl asked me to take the kids out of the house
so you could heal up from that favor you did the world.
Where are we going, Aunt Dana?
We are going to return the dress that Aunt Dana wore last night,
and if they give me a problem, you get to throw a tantrum.
Can we swear like last time?
Only if you want ice cream.
Dana!
Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?
Well, that foot fungus is back.
I was talking to Jim.
And get those mushroom farms off my couch.
Hey, honey, I brought you some nachos.
Mmm! Something's missing.
(GASPS SARCASTICALLY) A kiss.
(BOTH MOANING) (LAUGHING)
Yes, that was it. And sour cream.
Oh.
Boy, if I ever get a vasectomy,
I hope my wife treats me this well.
Look, if you ever get a wife,
don't worry about how she treats you.
I've got to hand it to you, Jim.
You got guts, man.
I'd never let anyone near Fred and Ginger with a sharp object.
You named one of your guys after a girl?
Yeah, the pretty one.
You realize what a sacrifice you made?
All right, all right. Just stop it, okay?
Listen...
If I tell you something, can you be cool about it?
Baby, I was born cool.
I didn't get a vasectomy.
Oh, my god!
(SHUSHING)
Will you stop it!
I got a secret.
I feel so alive!
Oh!
Will you stop it? Wait, whoa, no, no, wait.
You went to the doctor. You're icing your crotch.
No, this is just potato chips
with rocks to weigh it down.
You want one?
I'm not eating chips out of your...
Ooh, Cool Ranch!
So what happened?
I don't know.
I've got to tell you...
When that doctor came at me and told me that I was going to be sterile,
I just freaked out.
I started thinking, when we're walking down the street,
people are going to say, "Hey, there goes Cheryl and sterile!"
Hey, honey, I made your follow-up appointment.
What? Why?
You know, at the lab?
They have to make sure the operation worked
and your little swimmers aren't swimming.
It was in that brochure they gave us at the consultation.
Oh, great, you're reading the brochures now.
Yeah.
And when you're all healed up,
I'll make it worth your while.
What is the matter with you?
Nothing.
Just feeling alive.
Andy!
Wow.
I can't believe I didn't see this coming,
but it looks like one of your lies backfired on you.
I know, I know.
When we go to the lab and the test comes back normal,
Cheryl's going to find out.
It's like I got three billion little stool pigeons swimming around inside me.
Hold on. I got it.
Colonel Andy in the living room with the answer.
I was watching a movie on lifetime the other day.
What? You watch lifetime? Why?
'Cause I have no life and plenty of time.
The same thing happened to Perry King and Joan Van Ark.
What?
Perry goes in for a vasectomy,
four months later, Joan's knocked up.
Wow, what happened?
Well, according to lifetime...
And they are the women's channel...
With some guys, it just doesn't take,
and their business grows back together.
Jim, you could be one of those guys.
Andy...
I just became one of those guys!
So you keep your appointment at the lab,
and when the results come back normal...
I just tell Cheryl that it's a sign
that God didn't want me to withhold my seed.
You think that's going to work?
Oh, yeah, I can pretty much sell her anything
if God's attached.
What is taking so long?
Cheryl, it's a sperm count, not a meat loaf.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
(LAUGHS) This is funny. What?
Well, it says here that...
You know, this operation isn't % effective.
Hmm.
But it'll be fine.
God willing.
Okay, sorry to keep you,
but I have your results right here.
And? Well, everything looks good.
Your sperm count is very low. Well!
CHERYL: Great!
What?
You now have a nice low sperm count.
I heard you the first time.
What is wrong with you? This was supposed to happen.
No, no, I demand a recount!
Give me a cup and the keys to the fun room. Come on.
Jim!
Sir, sir, these results are highly accurate
and consistent with your vasectomy.
See? Low sperm count...
Stop saying that!
Jim! What?
Why are you acting like this? This is what we wanted.
No, I can't have a low sperm count!
You get a vasectomy, you get a low sperm count.
No, but it's impossible!
The only way it's impossible is if you didn't get a vasectomy.
Oh, my god.
You didn't get it.
You've been lying to me this whole time?
Well, I was... (GROANS)
Cheryl, Cheryl... No, no, Jim.
When were you going to tell me the truth,
after the birth of our fourth child?
I don't think there'll be a fourth child.
You've got a low sperm count...
Okay, now I'm going to kick your ass!
Hi. Hey.
I am so sorry to make you leave work to be down here.
Oh, please, Jim lied to you about getting a vasectomy.
This is going to be the mother of all trash sessions.
I am so angry I don't even know what to do about it.
Mmm. Thank you.
Oh, you're cake angry.
You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.
Why do we even bother making these great big life decisions together
if he's just going to ignore everything?
Hey, sweetie!
You should see how he's milking this.
It's like he's constantly complaining about being in pain
from an operation he never even had.
And who has the cutest little apple cheeks?
Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Dana!
Sorry.
I mean, he and I agreed we don't want another pregnancy scare.
We agreed! It's like he just can't be trusted!
Oh! Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
You know what I think?
That you might want to have another baby?
Where did that come from?
Cheryl, look at you.
You're going crazy for a kid you don't even know.
What are you talking about?
Oh, please, you... (BABY SQUEALS)
You're ovaries are ringing like church bells.
That is not... That is not true.
(STAMMERS) I know you think you know me,
but I don't want another baby.
I don't want another Little miracle to hold. (CRYING)
I do, I do! I want a baby!
I do!
Cheryl, don't cry.
If you're going to cry for anyone, cry for me.
I'm the one who might have to baby-sit a fourth kid for free someday.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'm going to go talk to Jim.
Okay.
Thank god I'm married to the least reliable man in the world.
(SQUEALS)
I could have a little cutie like you, but instead I have a career.
It's fulfilling. It really is.
Hey! You're not better than me!
(PLAYING BLUES ON HARMONICA)
Hey.
Hey.
Where are the kids?
Oh, they're okay. Don't worry about them.
They're fed and homework's done, and they had their baths.
Wow. You did all that?
No, Andy did.
They're all over at his place.
We need to talk.
(STAMMERS) Yeah, let me get this out first, okay?
I want to tell you why I didn't get the vasectomy.
No, no, it's not important.
No, no, no, no, it is really important.
It really is, and I want to tell you, I mean.
I was going to tell you when I got out of the doctor's office,
but you were just so damn proud of me, and...
I mean, it was like you put me up on a pedestal, and you know me,
I like being up on a pedestal.
(STAMMERING) Cheryl, I just...
I don't know.
When that... I panicked.
When that doctor came toward me,
I just started thinking that,
you know, my knees are bad,
I'm losing my hair, I got this gut.
I mean, sure, my ass turns heads,
but how long is that going to last?
I don't know.
I know this may sound stupid to you,
but...
It's all I got left!
You know, it's what makes me a man,
and I am just not willing to give that up.
Honey, I don't want you to give it up.
What?
(SIGHS)
(STAMMERING)
I think I might want another baby.
You're serious!
Yeah. I mean, not right now,
but I just don't think I want to close that door yet.
(CHUCKLING) Didn't you hear that lab guy?
That door has been closed, locked, and sealed.
Honey, if this is something we want to do,
there are ways to raise your sperm count.
Is this something you want to do?
Well, Cheryl, I mean...
Wow, another kid?
That would... Make it...
Four.
And we already have...
Three.
Yeah, I know, Jim. I was there.
Well, I do like you.
You're really cute.
(CHUCKLES)
We get along.
You do make beautiful babies.
Well, you help.
Oh, come on, Cheryl, look at me. You're the beauty part.
I'm the batter, you're the oven.
What do you say?
I don't know.
It's just that it's the first time in seven years
we haven't had a baby in this house.
Let's do it.
Really?
Yeah, why not?
I mean, you do most of the work anyway.
I mean, all I gotta do is just learn another name.
Oh, honey!
We're going to make a baby.
Well, we're going to try. It might not happen,
but I sure do like the trying part.
Hey, you want to try some of that spontaneous lovin' right now?
Yes! Let's go to the movies!
Ok, no, no, no.
What? Let's just go to the bedroom.
What's so spontaneous about the bedroom?
We're not going to make it to the bed.
Oh...
(LAUGHS) Hot, hot.
I'm gonna get the camera.
No, no, no, no, no.
Too spontaneous.
Yeah, yeah, fair enough.
Mmm...