04x15 - Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
Watch or Buy on Amazon

A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
Post Reply

04x15 - Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner?

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, here, here!

Found it. Stop your search.

I found something we'll both enjoy.

Look at this Cop Fights Dracula.

Oh, and the cop's uniform is a bikini.

Pass.

Oh, here's one.

"Single dad finds love again." Oh!

Let me guess, his kid wears glasses.

Yeah, and they're too big for his face. Isn't that so cute?

(MOCKINGLY) So cute! Pass.

Oh!

Here's my backup. Here.

A cop and a dog fight the mafia.

No!

Oh, Jim, oh, ok.

Look, honey, The Bells of Portugal.

It has something for you and something for me. It's got romance for me,

and w*r for you.

Give me that.

This isn't w*r.

w*r is when Robert Mitchum

is chewing on a cigar, cutting down Nazis.

Oh.

No, this one just uses w*r to keep lovers apart,

so they can look at each other's pictures and cry.

Oh! No.

Oh, but, honey, look at them. He's wounded,

and she's wearing a big hat with a veil.

Oh, it looks so sad.

I love that.

I don't get you women. You will pay money to see something

that you know is gonna make you sad. Yeah?

When you can go to a funeral

any day of the week here in town.

For free!

Honey, a good cry is like a cleansing rain.

It washes everything out of you.

You should try it sometime.

I do cry, Cheryl.

I'm a Cubs and a Bears fan.

Oh.

No, no. Nuh-uh.

Listen, you women always say that you want a sensitive man,

a vulnerable man who cries.

Trust me, Cheryl, you don't.

Oh, what do you know about what women want?

I know plenty about women.

I know they want a strong man, a real man,

the kind of guy who bottles up all his emotions inside.

Well, all I can tell you is that I would be proud

to be with a man with emotional depth and compassion.

Wrong, Cheryl, absolutely wrong.

It upsets the natural order of things.

It's like guys wearing clogs.

Wrong!

Well, I think it's sexy when a man's not afraid to cry.

Well, then, let me let you in on a little secret.

What?

There is one movie that tears me up a little bit.

Really? What?

Robot Warrior .

Oh!

It's the tender tale of a robot

(VOICE BREAKING) who loves revenge,

and a robot can't make it quite...

I can't get through it. It's too much!

Fine. Get your stupid robot movie,

but I am watching The Bells of Portugal.

Fine. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

How about this one? Kicked In The Crotch.

Oh!

Come on, it's the director's cut.

Oh, Kicked In The Crotch,

very good movie.

See?

JIM: Oh, baby!

Come on, Jim.

Jim, would you get off it? No.

No!

Anyone in my position would have done the same thing.

No, no, not anyone!

If a bird pooped in my fries, I would not eat around it!

Hey, Ruby, ask your Uncle Andy...

Can't. Got ballet. Got to go.

Hey, Gracie, do you know...

Can't. Don't care. Got to go.

Hey, Kyle, do you know that...

Mommy said I can get my Rocket Dog toy.

Rocket Dog! Rocket Dog!

Rocket Dog.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I am listening. What did he do?

I don't need your pity interest.

Good. Frees up a lot of my day.

Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going?

We got the DVDs to return here.

Don't you want to take them with you?

Oh, honey, I haven't watched mine yet.

I'm gonna return it tomorrow.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'll have the chauffeur drive the butler

to drop off the late fee.

It's $ .

Well, as long as it's going

for a good cause, Cheryl.

Hollywood!

Yeah, Jim, Tom Cruise would be living in a box

without your late fees.

(CHERYL LAUGHING)

Ah, Robot Warrior . Seen it.

Acting, C.

v*olence and robot sex, A-plus.

Oh, my God!

The Bells of Portugal, I have to see this.

I heard it was fantastic.

Yeah, if you have boobs.

Hello.

MAN ON TV: Well, hello, Miss Felicity. Charmed to meet you.

My name is Nigel. Captain Nigel Ellis.

FELICITY: Don't you find Paris

rather dispiriting these days, Captain Ellis?

NIGEL: I'd really rather you call me Nigel.

I'd really rather you shut up.

(g*nf*re)

NIGEL: Dear God! The Nazis are here!

FELICITY: And they've got my father!

He's got a weak heart!

Let him go, you monsters!

NIGEL: Take that, Fritz!

That's for Scotty and Pete and the major!

That's for every English life you've ended too soon!

NIGEL: Doctor... Doctor, please.

Give my morphine to Boswell.

He needs it more than I.

DOCTOR: Damn your pride, man! We need you.

The crown needs you. Now rest.

NIGEL: Rubbish. Don't...

(COUGHING) ...worry about me.

I'm in ripping good form.

She met you under the bells like she promised.

Kiss her, Nigel.

Kiss her!

(CAR APPROACHING)

Oh, damn!

n*zi scum!

(CLEARS THROAT)

What happened? Is the movie over?

Well, you fell asleep, you big girl,

so I put on the robot movie.

Oh, well, can I borrow Bells of Portugal?

No. No!

I mean, Cheryl hasn't seen it yet.

Here, here. How about this one?

Kicked In The Crotch.

Seen it.

Director's cut. Ooh, gimme.

"Five minutes of never-before-seen groin-kicking action."

I may be late to work tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES)

ANDY: Oh, hey.

Hey.

Rocket Dog! Rocket Dog! Rocket Dog!

I'm going to bed. I have a headache.

The kid never shuts up.

Hey, baby.

Are your eyes red?

Yes. Yeah?

Yes, they are.

Uh, you know, I was watching that robot movie,

and when I see that action and v*olence,

I forget to blink. Right.

Night-night. Good night. Good night.

Wait! Are you okay? You seem kind of weird.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm in ripping good form.

I mean, I'm fine.

Night.

Good night.

NIGEL: Felicity, there's

something I must tell you.

What, Nigel, what?

FELICITY: What, Nigel? What?

CHERYL: Jim, would you put Kyle to bed

while I get the girls ready?

(SNARLS)

Damn!

Daddy, Daddy!

Somebody put Rocket Dog in the toilet!

Ruby!

RUBY: What?

Gracie!

GRACIE: I don't know where his stupid dog is!

It was Gracie.

Go get one of her dolls and give it a haircut.

All right!

All right, honey, Dana and I are gonna run some errands

and return those DVDs.

What? No. Why?

Why? Because you're gonna start complaining about the late fees,

then you're gonna turn off the heat.

You have plenty of quarters in your closet.

What did you rent?

The Bells of Portugal.

Oh, yuck. What a load that was.

BOTH: You saw it?

DANA: Oh, yeah.

They got a thousand years of culture,

and they give us this?

Thanks for the crap, England.

Oh, and the hero, Neil or somebody...

Nigel.

Probably.

It's an English movie. There's always a Nigel.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) So, Nigel goes to meet Felicity under the bells,

and at the end...

(HUMMING LOUDLY)

What?

I don't think Cheryl wants to hear about

some stupid pact of meeting under some stupid bells.

How'd you know about the pact?

Oh, my God! You watched the movie!

Rubbish.

I watched the robot movie, and the robot destroyed the world.

And you know what? I loved it!

Ok, so if I go out to the player right now and pop out the DVD,

it's gonna be that robot movie?

Ha!

Ha!

Bells of Portugal.

Well, well, well.

I cannot believe you'd watch that sappy thing.

It is not sappy, it's a good movie!

Sorry, but when a man behaves

like a lovesick teenage girl, I find it off-putting.

You thought Nigel was like a girl?

I wasn't talking about Nigel.

Dana, leave him be.

I think it's great that Jim watched

a sensitive, emotional movie and appreciated it.

This is a whole new level for him.

Ha! Face!

And a whole new level of maturity for us. Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Jim, my big sensitive guy,

what do you say we put the kids to bed early

and watch the movie together?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Delightful idea.

Show yourself to the door, young Dana.

No problem. And then I'll show myself down to the bar

and tell all your friends

what a giant nancy you are. Face!

You won't do that, Dana.

Watch me.

Fourth of July, margaritas, Carlos the lifeguard!

Cheryl,

I was told I could rely on your discretion in that matter.

Yeah. That one kind of got away from me.

Then we'll say no more on the subject. Good day.

(DOOR CLOSES)

FELICITY: I picked the wrong time to fall in love.

NIGEL: I suppose no one told our hearts there was a w*r on.

(SNIFFLES)

FELICITY: London may pin her hopes

on you and Fighter Command, Nigel,

but the only hope for our love now is...

Portugal.

(CRYING)

You know what? You are absolutely right, Cheryl.

I mean, I just feel totally cleansed.

It's like all my pent-up anger stuck to the snot

and went right into my tissue.

That's right.

That's exactly what I've been saying...

In a much less disgusting way.

Well, now that I'm absolutely in touch with my emotions,

I bet you never wanted me more.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I'll want you more after you brush your teeth.

You know, Cheryl, I don't understand

why they didn't let Felicity and Nigel get together at the end of that film.

I mean, it just, it was just sad.

Oh, I don't know. It was just a movie.

Oh, damn it!

The top of this toothpaste fell down the drain.

Now it's gonna be all clogged up.

You know what I want to get?

I want to get that pump toothpaste, like the kids have.

It's not fair!

How come the kids get pump toothpaste, and I don't?

I want some for me! I want! I want! I...

(CRYING)

It broke! It broke! It broke!

What?

So, can you pick some up?

What?

Nothing.

All right, then.

Let's get down to some loving.

Yeah, you know what, honey?

I really feel kind of emotionally drained from that movie.

Maybe we should just go to sleep.

What? You said you wanted me.

(WHINING) You said we were gonna do it.

I want to do it.

I wanna do it, do it.

I want some love!

(CADILLAC MAN PLAYS)

(PLAYING HIGH NOTES)

Andy, stop it! Stop it!

What are you doing?

Hey, that's not how Cadillac Man goes.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Jim.

I got the Bells of Portugal theme running through my mind.

I know how you like that.

What do you know?

I know plenty.

Cheryl told you I cried?

You cried? No.

Dana told me you liked it. She didn't say you cried.

Dana!

So, big, tough Jim cried, huh? Hey, let me ask you

how are those boobs coming along?

Jim cried during the movie?

Oh, God, I'd love to see that.

No. No, you wouldn't.

That giant head holds a lot of tears.

No, it's freaky.

What happened to the woman

who thought a sensitive man was strong and sexy?

Yeah, that looks good on paper,

but when it's blubbering next to you on the couch...

Yikes!

All right, all right.

Maybe one manly tear slid down my cheek,

kind of like that Indian who hated pollution.

You cried. Attagirl.

Oh, don't worry. I won't tell the guys.

Hey, I got nothing to be embarrassed about here.

But don't tell the guys, anyway.

Look, I think it's very healthy for our marriage

for me to be vulnerable and for Cheryl to see that.

And you know what? A good cry felt really good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought it was one tear, chief.

Whatever. It was cathartic.

And I learned a new word, "cathartic."

Well, hey, buddy,

you're gonna be real happy with this piece of news.

I'm just glad it's over.

And I'll tell you something else

I am never watching another movie like that with him again.

Cheryl, Cheryl! Cheryl!

Guess what's playing down at the mall.

Oh, please be something with crotch kicking.

No, Portuguese Cathedral.

It's the sequel to our movie,

Bells of Portugal.

And Nigel and Felicity have a second chance at love!

FELICITY: How could you do it, Nigel?

How could you let me think you dead?

Get out! I hate you!

NIGEL: I shouldn't wonder you're angry, Felicity,

but you must understand.

It couldn't be helped. Lives were at stake!

(SNIFFLES)

(BELL RINGING)

I want to be selfish.

With the Allied invasion coming up, I'm afraid

we'll have to put our love on hold for the duration.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) You never put me first.

(SNIFFLING)

You hate me!

Don't you? You hate me! (CRYING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) My friend...

Why you cry like little girl?

This woman she love you, eh?

Kiss her.

I'd like to, flabby, old chum,

but I'm a bit choked up right now.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) English woman, why do you put up with this?

He does not need you, he needs a "muzzer!"

A "muzzer?"

You know, like a father, but a woman.

Prostitution has made you stupid.

And you smell like fish!

Stop it! Stop it, I say! I aughtta!

Stop it!

Stop it, or I swear, I'll...

(CRYING)

Aye, aye, aye!

Oh, no.

(SOBBING) She doesn't like me!

NIGEL: Stop it. You're talking nonsense.

Damn straight, Nigel.

Jim, I need to talk to you in the lobby.

What? Can't it wait?

I mean, if Felicity can wait for Nigel for...

Lobby!

Sad and sexy...

And the movie ain't that bad, either.

Oh, it's so on.

(SIGHS)

All right, Cheryl. Come on. Come on.

What was so important?

It's Felicity and Nigel up on the screen!

This is hard. What?

Okay, I'm gonna start here.

Um, honey...

You're making me sick.

I see, Cheryl. Can you be a little more specific?

Yeah, I can. It's the crying.

Crying?

At the movie?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought I wanted you to be more emotional.

I really thought it was something I wanted,

but I don't.

But I knew that!

I told you that at the video store!

You did, and you were right.

It's not sexy, Jim.

No, because you see me as like a girlfriend.

Well, like a giant baby, but, okay.

No, you want to be married to a strong guy

who bottles up all his emotions!

Exactly! So butch it up, would you?

I knew it. You know what? I blame myself for this.

I gave you what you said you wanted

instead of what you needed. I know.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm better than that! I'm better than that!

You are! You are, Jim.

You let me down. Why?

Because, honey

because I'll tell you why.

It's very simple.

I was, uh...

I was gonna teach you a lesson.

You were faking?

(LAUGHS) Yes!

Come on, Cheryl. I don't care about anybody's relationship.

You think I give a crap about them?

Oh, my God! It was a scheme!

Of course! It was my best one to date.

Oh, honey, I am so relieved.

Oh, sometimes I forget who I'm married to.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

Oh, this is so great.

Now that you're my great, big strong guy again,

I can go in and cry my eyes out at the rest of the movie.

Wait, you want to go see the rest of the movie now?

(MOUTHING) Oh, yeah!

The end is supposed to be devastating!

Devastating?

Yeah. What?

You afraid you're gonna cry?

No!

I was kidding.

(CHUCKLES) Me, too!

Ah!

That's why we're married.

Oh!

I love you.

That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Why are you crying? I thought you hated this kind of movie.

I do, because they make me cry!

Oh.

It's... I mean, she...

Today, I become a better person! I love you all!

What kind of person refuses a hug?

I'll hug you, Andy.

Please. You're a mess.

What did you think?

Well, it used to be rated R

meant you'd see some boobs.

Oh!

Oh, Cheryl, geez.

I think I dropped my keys.

Oh, okay, I'll meet you in the lobby.

Okay, dear.

(SIGHS)

Oh!

(SNIFFLES)

(CRYING) Portugal...

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I still hear the sound of thy bittersweet bells.

(CRYING)
Post Reply