04x16 - The Wedding Dress

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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04x16 - The Wedding Dress

Post by bunniefuu »

Piggie Takes a Bride.

This Porker's a Corker!

A sequel to Piggie's Day Off?

Hollywood, consider my appetite whetted.

It's nine bucks a ticket?

I'm not paying that!

Jim, you tried that at the tollbooth.

These people don't haggle.

Yeah, I'm going to offer a five, let's see who blinks.

Hey, Kyle, how old are you?

I'm four.

This close! Nuts!

Kyle, what if Daddy needed you to be three again?

Like, it would save Daddy's life.

Are you sick, Daddy?

Yes.

Sick of Hollywood taking me to the cleaners!

Okay, I'll be three.

That's my boy.

Can we have candy?

No, no. It's too expensive here.

And besides, I brought a bag of spaghetti from last night.

Ooh! Good thinking. I got skirt steak.

We'll share? (CHUCKLES)

Yes, can I have one adult and two children for the Piggie movie?

Uh, does the boy need his own ticket?

How old are you?

I'm three.

Yes. And a very smart three.

That's why you're my favorite.

Hey! What?

It's just a figure of speech.

And a reminder to stay on your toes.

All right, thank you.

Uh, yes. Piggie.

Senior citizen discount.

You don't look that old.

Ho! And who says the young people

don't show respect anymore?

Hey, I remember you.

Mm. I bet you do.

You're the guy who tried to smuggle in a ham in a baby carriage.

So $ . , then?

JIM: Oh, baby.

(LAUGHING)

Monkey socks, monkey socks!

What? Uh...

You were saying monkey socks.

Ugh. I was asleep.

Jim and Andy took the kids to a movie.

That was my first nap in five years.

I miss naps.

And, one assumes, monkey socks.

(BOTH LAUGH)

One assumes. I have a dry and witty boyfriend,

who's a doctor!

Okay, I got to go, but I don't want to say it.

You say it. You say it.

Okay, together. One, two, three...

BOTH: Bye.

Oh, bye-bye. Call me.

I'll call you.

Oh... (BABBLING)

So...

(DANA SIGHS) Things are going well.

Really well. I think Ryan and I are ready

to take it to the next level.

(GASPS) You mean you guys are going to...

Oh, please, Cheryl, we did that on the first...

Fourth date.

No, I mean, I want to throw a big family dinner at my place.

See, Ryan's always talking about how his mom used to cook

big Sunday dinners for the whole family.

That is so sweet!

Yeah, well, if he likes cornball, I'll give him cornball.

I just want him to see my domestic side.

But that side doesn't exist.

I know. That's why you're cooking

and I'm taking the credit.

Here's the menu I prepared.

Oh. Okay.

Noisette of lamb pernod,

salad Nicoise,

potato Lyonnaise.

Well, sounds simple enough.

Yeah. Look, Cheryl, I know this sounds like a lot of work,

but I'm totally willing to help out.

Oh. How?

Oh. I thought you were just going to say, No, no, I got it.

Hey! CHERYL: Hey!

How are you? Did you get some rest?

I did.

Good, good, because Andy here

bought three bags of candy for the kids.

You're going to have to make them go in the backyard

and dig holes or something before bedtime.

We want caramel blobs, we want caramel blobs.

I don't know where they were putting them all.

Uncle Andy, can we take your picture?

Ah, sure. They love their uncle.

Yeah. Don't they?

Come on, girls, let's go find a camera.

And some gummy bears.

All right, my young man.

Why don't you go upstairs? It's time to take a bath.

Daddy, can I be four again?

You sure can, young man.

You're only three at the movies.

And by the way, you did a great job.

Santa's going to hear about it.

Yay!

Jim, what... What?

You told him to lie to get him in for free?

Sure, I did. And by the way, he did a great job.

He's a natural. He'll make a great politician.

Jim, you made our son lie to save two bucks?

Four, Cheryl. $ ! Well...

You may recognize it as an hour's pay if you had a job.

Okay. Now you got two fights going.

Cheryl, as Piggie said to Mayor Chicken,

No ham, no fowl.

Jim! What you did is wrong.

Wrong? Yes.

What kind of wrong, Cheryl?

I submit it's acceptably wrong.

Acceptably wrong? Acceptably wrong.

No, there's no such thing. It's either wrong or it's right.

Cheryl, there's a whole scale of what's wrong.

No! Sure there is. At the top of the scale,

there's really bad things, like Bible bad.

Oh... Like cannibalism.

Felonies. Uh, anything that would get you strapped into old sparky.

Oh... And then at the bottom of the scale,

is, you know, what you say to women to get them in bed.

And in the middle, there's a whole ocean of gray.

Come, Cheryl.

Sail with me.

No, no, that is not how I see things.

Cheryl, you're telling me you wouldn't roll through a stop sign

if there was no one there? That you've never done that?

No.

I come to a full and complete stop. That's the law.

Cheryl, I'm going to heaven

just because I'm married to you.

So, you would never, then, ever pour down old motor oil down a kitchen sink?

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Oh, relax, Cheryl.

Not our sink.

Jim, Jim. What?

Kids learn good values by example.

Cheryl... Your little scheme taught him it's okay to lie.

Or it taught them how the real world works.

Oh.

I try every day to be a good example for our children.

You know, I can't do it alone.

Why not?

You got nothing else going on.

Okay. So we're back to the other fight.

Uh-huh.

Ah, those girls. I know they tease me,

but it comes from a place of love.

Hey, I'm going to hit that coffee shop

where all the hot girls come in and order their tea and read.

I think they're going to enjoy a page-turner called The Andyman.

How do I look?

Like a king.

Cheryl.

What's happening? What's up?

Okay, so far, all I've been able to get out of Principal Farrow

is that Gracie was caught turning in homework

that was clearly done by somebody else.

And you think I did it?

Of course not. It's homework.

I wanted you here so she knows how serious this is.

I need her to know that you don't approve.

Oh, she knows I don't approve of cheating. Come on!

Really? How would she know that?

By watching you follow a hearse so you won't have to stop at red lights?

I had to pee!

(GROANS)

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hey, girls.

Mr. Farrow, why is Ruby here?

Because we've determined Ruby was the one who did Gracie's homework.

You got the good one, too!

Oh, stop it!

Have a seat.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, what's going... Come over here, young lady.

What's going on here?

How do you know that Gracie didn't do the work?

Well, her teacher was suspicious when Gracie's assignment

seemed neater and more complete than usual.

But when we saw Gracie had done the extra credit questions...

Gracie, Gracie, you got greedy.

You flew too close to the sun!

I'm sorry, Mommy,

but I thought it was okay because I was helping Gracie.

No, honey, it's not.

Not even for a really good reason. Wrong is wrong.

Even if it's for a sister?

Even if it's for your sister.

But Aunt Dana's Mommy's sister,

and Mommy's cooking a special dinner for her.

Whoo! I'm tired of talking. Who wants ice cream?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit down.

What does Aunt Dana have to do with this?

Mommy's cooking dinner so Aunt Dana can tell Ryan she cooked it.

Because that's what sisters do.

That's what you said, Mommy.

Yeah, um...

Well, well, well.

What's happening?

I'll let the wife explain it to you.

But be easy on the girls because they were led astray

by someone they trusted.

Cheryl, I have spent a lot of time in a principal's office.

I've been yelled at. I've been suspended.

I've been humiliated.

But I have never, ever left a winner

until today.

You know what? If I could follow a hearse on the way home,

this would be the best day of my life!

Oh, there you are. I really need to talk to you about my gourmet meal...

Not a good time.

What's going on here?

Are the conspirators hatching a little dark plot

to snare a man?

What's on the menu here?

Oh! Chili con your boyfriend?

A lie-sagna?

Jim! Wait a minute.

I drove all the way home thinking of these.

Or for dessert, New York cheese fake?

So Cheryl is cooking dinner for me. What's the big deal?

Mmm.

Tell me, my young bride.

Would you consider this situation right

or wrong? Ow!

I think I remember somebody telling me there are no gray areas.

What was her name?

She was a role model.

Jim! No, that's my name.

Jim, get off her case. No one's getting hurt.

Really? No one's getting hurt?

A perfectly decent, honest man

is being tricked into believing his girlfriend

is a fantastic cook, and no one is getting hurt?

My God, I love the view up here from Mount Highground.

Look, I promise, I'll learn to cook eventually.

You know, when my husband loses his hair and lets his body go.

So stay out of it, Jim.

Oh, Dana, I don't know. I think Jim's got a point.

What? This is wrong.

I don't think I can do it.

Cheryl, Cheryl, even though I think your scheme is wrong,

I'm not saying not to do it.

What?

Come on, Cheryl, just this once. I need this dinner.

She's your only sister.

Yeah. Ryan's the one. I can feel it.

And he's a doctor.

Come on, Cheryl.

You really think he's the one?

Yeah.

Well, it's not exactly right...

But if it's that important to you...

Oh! Rolling through the stop sign!

Oh!

No traffic. I'm speeding now!

Because exactly right

is the same as acceptably wrong ?

(GRUMBLES)

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

Were you saying, You're right, old wise one ?

Yeah, that was it.

Okay, so you'll cook the dinner and say that I did it?

Yes. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And dress down. I really want to shine.

But not a word about this to Ryan.

Why would I say anything to him? I'm a pro.

I work in lies like The Da Vinci Code works in oils.

Ladies,

welcome to the great gray ocean, where wrong floats.

The great gray ocean?

I thought you were on Mount Highground.

I'm all over the map, baby.

I'm on high ground here. I'm in the ocean.

I'm in the playground. I'm on the island.

I'm on the table! I'm in the bed! I'm on the toilet!

Yeah, how about the living room?

I'm in the living room!

Ah, Doc, here you go. Thanks.

So, how's work?

I had a tough call to make on Friday.

One of my patients, a pregnant woman due in eight weeks,

incompetent cervix.

Ooh.

What, did she, uh, she fire the guy?

Um, actually, um...

Oh, come on. I know what the cervix is.

Oh.

It's the front door to the baby oven.

Okay, let's make this look good. Tie the apron on me.

Make sure he can still see my butt.

I did two hours on the StairMaster yesterday.

You know, maybe we can tell him that we cooked it together.

Then it's not a complete lie.

Cheryl, this is true love.

The only thing that's going to work is a complete lie.

(GROANS)

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Things got a little crazy at my Star Wars club.

Somebody said Episode II was better than Episode V,

and before you know it, Chewbacca threw a chair at Jango Fett.

I'll, uh, put your toy with your cloak.

Don't mock the Force.

Hello, Kyle.

Uncle Andy, will you do my sticker book with me?

Well, that depends.

Do you have the guilty stain

of caramel blobs on your hands?

Get out!

How about you two, huh?

That was a week ago.

Get over it.

Hey, why don't you two get over this?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Yeah, that's a bill, ladies, from my dry cleaners.

I will be speaking to your parents about garnishing your allowance.

We're getting an allowance?

Yay!

No, no allowances.

You see what you started!

Okay, everybody, dinner is ready.

(EVERYONE VOICES APPROVAL)

Wow, look at those plates, huh?

I know. Doesn't it look great?

Yeah. You know what? Before we start to eat,

Andy.

You know, a special meal like this deserves a special toast.

To our hostess Dana,

whose hard work and special attention

that she put into this meal is almost...

What's the word?

Unbelievable!

I know I don't believe it.

(YELPS IN PAIN)

That gravy is scalding.

Oh, oh, honey, I'm sorry. My bad.

Here, why don't you put some butter on that and shut your yap?

To Dana!

Thank you.

Cheers.

You know, the inspiration for this meal

came when I told Dana how my mom used to cook

traditional Sunday dinners when I was a kid.

And, uh, I really want to thank you, honey,

for recreating it without my mom's

quasi-r*cist political ramblings.

Um, anyway, I got to tell you

that the love and warmth here,

I find it very moving, so...

Easy on the wine, Doc. You're starting to blubber.

Honey.

Okay, everybody sit down. I did not sl*ve

in the kitchen for two days for nothing.

Let's eat while it's hot.

Huh. It's hot, all right.

Yup, it's blistering.

(YELPS IN PAIN)

These potatoes are fantastic, Dana.

You really outdid yourself tonight.

What exactly does one put in Lyonnaise potatoes?

Andy, more gravy?

Withdrawn.

Yeah, Dana, what do you put in them?

Are you going to pour gravy on him?

Um...

Well, uh...

I start with potatoes, obviously.

And then, um...

You know, I can really taste the onion.

Cheryl, please, I'm talking.

Onion, front and center.

What's that, Gracie? Oh, you'd like to know

how your Aunt Dana made this wonderful lamb roast?

You know what? So do I.

What is that unique spice? Ow! Ow!

Are you okay, Jim? Oh, oh, he's fine.

He does that when he likes something. It's like a James Brown, ow!

Yeah, like, ow! Roast lamb!

Ow! It's good!

Ow! Ow!

I got to tell you, I mean, everything is really, really yummy.

I mean, this whole meal is just terrific. Don't...

I mean, it's just really... You know, and being here tonight

and all this, it's just...

It's really just part of a picture that I've had in my mind for some time.

And I mean... Yeah, you know, I've seen you, Dana,

as this beautiful, vibrant, exciting woman,

and now to see you here,

you know, with your family, surrounded by the people that love you so much.

It's just...

(EXHALES) You know, I know this is fast, and I may sound crazy,

but I...

Dana, I would just love to see you

as my wife and the mother of my children.

Dana, will you marry me?

I didn't cook it!

What?

You did. You did. You slaved in the kitchen for two days,

and it's paying off, damn it!

No, just forget it, Cheryl.

I can't cook! Cheryl did all of this.

I'm just a beautiful, vibrant fraud.

That is not true. Dana can cook.

Cheryl can't cook.

Her meat loaf tastes like sawdust.

Sawdust? I wish. At least sawdust is tasteless.

I don't like her spaghetti.

I don't like her pudding.

That's because she buys the cheap stuff.

Who skimps on pudding?

What?

Oh, look, Ryan,

I'm sorry for lying to you. It's not their fault.

They're just trying to protect me.

Of course they are. You have an amazing family.

They love you so much.

And I do, too.

Are you sure? Absolutely.

I mean, the fact that you could manipulate your sister

into going to all this trouble for me?

That's incredible.

I got to say, I've always felt that a well-crafted lie

shows just as much effort as actually doing something nice.

Hear, hear! You're all right, Doc!

But Ryan, I don't want our marriage to be based on lies.

Eleven years and still going strong.

Fourteen.

Really? Yeah.

Wow!

I know.

You're not mad at me for tricking you?

I mean, you don't think it was wrong?

No. I mean, something this right could never be wrong.

Dana,

just tell me you'll marry me.

I will!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

We got to call mom! We got to call mom!

Call mom!

I wasn't actually even done yet, but we're going to call Mom.

Wow! Whoa.

Man, that was quick.

Daddy, how come when we lied about doing Gracie's homework we got in trouble,

but when Aunt Dana lied, she got engaged?

Well, you know, honey, uh...

Life doesn't make sense sometimes.

Want a little piece of pie?

But we're not done with dinner.

Exactly.

That doesn't make sense.

That's the lesson.

Hey, now everybody's married.

Oh, except you.

I was married.

Till she left you.

I've moved on.

Have you?

Oh, God, I'm all alone!

Ah, Andy!

Now all of Mom's Why aren't you married? focus is going to be on me!

Come on, relax, Andy.

Look, Dana's getting married.

Your mom's not going to even be thinking about you.

You think? I know.

Andy, Mom wants to talk to you.

Oh, my God.
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