01x04 - Wait A Minute, Then Who Was That On The Ladder?

[bunniefuu]

-who d*ed in the French famine?
-Très tragic.

We need to sh*t on that vigil.
How do we do that?

-Actors.
-They gotta be sad-looking

and non-union.

Hmm, one thing usually means
the other.

-Where is the real captain?
-He's...

Uh-uh. No.
That's not happening.

We are trapped here
unless I show leadership.

And I need you

-to help me do that.
-Give me one of those.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Yes?

What's the impact on the voyage?

Three years plus six months.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-BILLIE MCEVOY: Do you notice

anything about this oddly
good-looking group of people?

They're actors.
Meet your real engineers.

What is this,
a betting syndicate?

Hey, man. Uh... Captain.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(RYAN HUMS)

Owner on the bridge.
Everybody, carry on as normal.

Why wouldn't you?

What's going on in here?
Smells tense.

(DANISH ACCENT)
Tense is my middle name.

Tense is my middle name!

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Oh, bugger. I'm still here.

SPIKE MARTIN:
Captain, I'm gonna get
a gander on some of this stuff,

because I think that--

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Oh, no! Sorry, can't...

Can't let you see that,
because then I'd have

to sleep with you to find out
what you saw,

-and then k*ll you. (LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS) We've all been there!

Oh.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. I'm your captain,
Ryan Clark. How are you doing?

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
No, how are you doing?

No, how are you doing?

You tell me.
No, you tell me.

You tell me, arsehole!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Let's look at
what's trending this hour.

Avenue 5 is stuck in space.
I don't think I'm alone

in thinking, "Thank f*ck
I'm not on that ship!"

The passengers are angry,
as I would be

if I had their crappy lives.
Good morning.

MAN: Shove your attitude.

Anyone giving negative comments
should be blacklisted

from all future voyages.
How would they like that?

I imagine they might like that
a lot.

Well, this feels real.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Morning,
ma'am! A new dawn has broken.

So has our toilet.
We're not animals, you know.

Right. I will-- I will talk
to Matt about that.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Good luck
pissing in the basement

for the next three years.

Good morning, captain.
Oh, you look haunted.

Thanks.

How are you adjusting
to all of this?

Well, you know,

just a little bit curious
as to why you never told me

that the whole crew are a bunch
of fakes who have been

shat out of Julliard.

Well, I didn't think you would
react well.

Here you are,
hissing at me in a hallway.

This is radiation.

And that moon-botherer is real.
You couldn't make that up.

Now, ships are constantly
being bombarded by cosmic rays.

It's deadly!
So, how do we fight it off?

Ooh, I know, I know! Poop!

-Uh--
-(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Smart kid! Zeke is right.

A shield of human waste
protects us from radiation.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) That's why
they call it the poop deck!

-(LAUGHTER)
-No.

It's from the French
for "stern."

(LAUGHS)

I'd close your mouth,
because it's not a joke.

Every ship has a turd cloak.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Has a what?

You don't know
about the wetsuit?

(LAUGHS) Look at you,
listening in on us!

-(RYAN CHUCKLES)
-Well, no, he knows everything.

He's the captain.

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
They call me Mr. Wetsuit.

That's one of the things
we call him. (LAUGHS)

Oh, look!
Who is missing a genius?

-Over here!
-Okay.

Maybe I should learn
about this stuff.

-Space and so on.
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Uh... I'll, um...
I'll explain it to you.

So, all this technology,
and still, human feces

is the best way to not get
cancer in space,

which reminds me,
vent the wetsuit.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) You know
what I have written on my hand?

-What?
-"Unclench me."

WOMAN: Hey, assh*le,
I want my life back.

-IRIS KIMURA: Thank you.
-HERMAN JUDD: Oh, man.

I don't wanna go the same way
as Richard Branson!

Fed to his own pigs
on his private island.

It's still early. The passengers
get easier to wrangle

after the first drink.

The financial stuff,
tell me honestly, Iris--

-Yes, I do.
-I didn't even ask the question!

"Do you think we're f*cked,
financially?" Answer: yes, I do.

Oh. I don't like being unhappy,
Iris. I just don't like it.

IRIS: You get used to it.

Do you verbally
consent to a hug?

Ugh.

Oh. Here's an idea to get people
to like you.

Drinks. Here. Cocktail party.

All the passengers,
meet them in batches.

Yeah. Maybe someone
will hug me there.

All right, so, journey time...
(MUTTERING)

Okay, so you can meet
19 people a week.

Nineteen. Odd number.
Don't people come in couples?

No. Widows, widowers,
priests, ugly people.

-You're not a couple.
-Neither was Zeus.

-And I'm basically Zeus.
-He married his sister.

(SHUDDERS) My sister would make
a selfish bride.

IRIS: Okay, so the batch parties
are a go.

Where we at
in terms of the vigil?

Did you fill it, like I asked,
but didn't ask?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Remember I told you
that I wanted--

Oh, you're doing
a whole deniability thing.

You only need to do that
in front of other people.

People, not half-people.

There's no air resistance,
so we're just sailing on, right?

But what's the, um...
What's the Rafer valve?

I've already told you this one.

I thought you were Mr. Wetsuit.

Come on, Zeke, please!
I said I would give you pens.

And that is how I saved
the entire ship!

SPIKE: This is a bright kid.

He's probably hoping
he'll grow up one day

-and be like old Spikey, huh?
-Not really.

That's a little harsh.

Oh! Oh. Punk.

Hey, um... Hey, where's your--

Where's your mom
and her fellow moms?

-Oh, uh, she's over there.
-Oh. Thank you.

No, she's not. She's over there.

That's... That's pretty smooth.

PROTESTOR:
I worry about the victims.

But one of the biggest victims

is Mr. Judd
and the Judd Corporation.

I blame NASA's refusal
to honor code 346

of the International
Space Treaties.

Is he just saying that
off the top of his head?

Why do you find it so odd?

Who knows what stage
of grief he's at.

There's no stage of grief
known as

"fluency
in international space law"!

The question of liability
is up for debate.

What is your problem? He looks
the part. It's perfect casting.

Casting? What the-- Oh.

They're actors.

The-- He's an actor!

Well, if it took you this long
to work it out,

-what is the problem?
-ALAN: That's a good point.
-RAV MULCAIR: Shut up, Alan.

It'll look terrible
if it gets out

that we're paying actors
to get public support!

Send them home!

Won't that look terrible?
If the vigil suddenly disperses?

-Yeah, good point.
-RAV: Shut up, both of you.

Actually, that is a good point.

-Uh, I'm not--
-Shut up, Alan.

(SIGHS) Okay. Mads,
let's see what you've learnt.

What is your engineering
clearance level?

High.

No, it's a number
between one and 100.

Uh... 100?

Guys, come on, this is not
community theater!

You've gotta know this stuff
like you know your own names.

Do you mean our names,
or our character names?

(ENGLISH ACCENT) What?
Oh, don't tell me

-Mads isn't your real name.
-No, no. No. I'm Colin.

Oh, for f--

No offense, but that is
a placeholder name
if ever I heard one.

(CLEARS THROAT)

BILLIE MCEVOY:
Yes, what's your name?

Uh, Sarah.

-Sarah.
-Is that your real name?

Oh, it's also Sarah. That's why
I got the part, I think.

Right. So, who are you
right now?

-Now?
-Yeah.

Sarah.

No, uh, but are you
actual Sarah,

or are you in character?

-Yes.
-Which?

What was the question, sorry?

Oh, Judith of Norwich.

This is why they should slash
art funding to the bones.

(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry,
quick motivation question.

-Yes, Sarah.
-How is Sarah responding,

now that she knows
that the captain's fake?

No, he's not! I am not fake!

I am-- I am solid,
I am dependable,

I am un-f*cking-flappable!

-Right.
-RYAN: I know that...

I'm not coming out that way
right now,

but that's what you...
what you all have to remember.

After all, if I was fake,

I would not know
what a Roofie valve is.

Uh, a Rafer valve.

Right. Well, I got the word
"valve" right.

Yes, you did.

Can we just stick
to the script? All right?

Or is that not something
they taught you

at the Royal Academy
of Dramatic Sarahs?

Okay, so, my character
doesn't know that you're fake.

Okay, I've got that. That is
actually quite a good note.

You're gonna make a note
of the note?

-Yeah. "Doesn't know..."
-(RYAN SIGHS)

This is just hopeless. I don't
even believe they're actors.

You've got to take me
to the real crew, real fast.

(DANISH ACCENT)
Okay, fly safe, cap.

Oh, f*ck off, Colin!

-I had drinks with Rav.
-Who is my best friend.

'Cause I needed someone
to talk to

after my wife made a cuck-hold
of me.

Okay, "cuck-hold"?
there is no "h" in "cuckold."

You idiot. Right?

Now you're getting another man
to spell "cuckold" for me.

-Mm-hmm.
-DOUG: We had drinks.

We were talking
and I got emotional.

And I accidentally
kissed her neck.

-How do you accidentally kiss
somebody's neck?
-But I didn't have full sex.

Oh, well, when have you
ever done that, Doug?

-Can I just get my own cabin?
-Yes! Please!

If I have to watch him
carefully dry his balls

one more time,
I'm gonna k*ll myself.

I have a male yeast infection.
It's a real i--

-(SIGHS)
-Would you rather I carelessly

dry my balls?

Okay, this is all
very informative.

Are you taking notes?

-What?
-How long has that
been up there?

Now, the word cloud
is in your room

on all the screens.

-What? Can we get rid of it?
-No.

You can add words to it,
but you can't remove any.

When you get back there,
you're gonna see words like

-"Neck." "Male bitch."
-Mm-hmm.

"The beast of yeast."

You're gonna see words like
"Emotional ragdoll."

"Chunky millstone." "Fucker."
"Worm-dicked little fucker."

Who put that word on there?
We didn't say that word.

-I'd said it.
-When?

Before you got here.

"Stank-ass balls."

Yeah, I said you can shove
your stank-ass balls

in your mouth and choke on them
and die.

How much work did you guys do
before I got here?

She got here 45 minutes early.

I think we did
really good work today.

-Yeah.
-MATT SPENCER:
So, you're at peace?

I'm gonna go fix
some other passengers now.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

ENGINEER 1: Bleed wetsuit
in five minutes.

ENGINEER 2: And venting
ion drive in two.

BILLIE: Heads up, guys!
Faux Capitano in the house!

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Morning.

Sorry it took me so long
to realize that you existed.

No problem.

So, popcorn and dirty jokes.
Who's in?

-(LAUGHTER)
-So, she said,

"Wait a minute, well, then,
who was that on the ladder?"

-(LAUGHTER)
-(BILLIE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

I want that as a ringtone.
I definitely do!

Wow. Seriously, though,
on a scale of one

to "we're all going to die,"
how f*cked did you think

we were when we found out
that I'm just a beard

in a Sergeant Pepper uniform?

Uh, actually, we've been taking
bets on how long you'd last.

Uh, yeah. You owe me 50 bucks.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm-- I'm laughing
because I'm terrified!

(LAUGHTER)

Do you love to drink?
I know my dad did.

Why don't you come down
and enjoy a nice, cold glass...

Hey, Clara.
That's a beautiful top.

Catastrophe-chic!

-Hey, Spike.
-Hey, pal.

Have you ever masturbated
to a constellation?

Yes. Once. Gemini. Twins!

Hey! What are you guys
talking about?

-Star clusters.
-What about you, Frank?

Three years,
time to find the new you?

Yeah, that's funny,
my dad had a funny expression.

He used to say, "Frank,
moderation in all things,

including moderation."

Um, that's moderately funny.

Okay, Frank, what's the craziest
thing you've ever done?

Taking out a bridge loan.

What's the craziest thing
you've ever wanted to do?

I've always wanted to wear
a necklace.

Not a jewelry kind,
but a leather one.

-Uh-huh.
-Maybe with a shell.

All right.

Why stop with a shell?

Maybe you could wear,
I don't know, a dolphin d*ck.

Yeah, oh, yeah, a dolphin d*ck.
Hard to come by, though.

-Or you could grow a ponytail.
-(SIGHS)

-Like Spike.
-No, he couldn't. Few can.

I have peculiarly
muscular follicles.

You can be any Frank you want.

-SPIKE: Go for it, Frank.
-Right?

Great.

-You could be punk rock Frank.
-(LAUGHS)

Huh?

You could be
Christian Scientist Frank.

-Occasionally gay Frank.
-Maybe.

-Slightly r*cist Frank!
-Frank the fiend.

You could be whatever
the f*ck you want. Okay?

-Yes.
-You want another Judd martini?

What was that?

Do you want another
Judd martini?

-Yes. Yes, yes.
-Yes, you do! Yes.

-Hell-- Hell yes!
-Yes, you do!

Olivia, can we get
another martini for the man?

-No olive this time, please.
-Make it dirty.

N-- Strictly 19 people,
Mrs. Hines.

I have you down as widowed.

Yes, but James is
my new friend, and I thought--

Wow, I guess grief
wants what it wants, right?

All right, uh, couples,
stand together, please,

and I will approach you
as a double unit, okay?

Iris-- Iris!

Can you please take care
of the widow?

She's very clingy.

Hi. Herman Judd, mogul. You know
that already, though, don't you?

-(LAUGHS)
-You guys look great together.

You make
a very successful merger.

That's CEO talk.
That's CEO talk. Hug?

-Oh.
-(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERING) One, two, three.

I got it. I did
the math in my head.

Three-second rule, am I right?
Didn't that feel nice?

And nobody crossed any lines.
Look at all these smiles!

I-- I-- There's a laundry cart
blockade on--

What's that? Good, good.

Why don't you guys make your way
over by the skulls over there,

all four Beatles.

Hi. Herman Judd, entreprenaut.

So, do we have to keep paying

now that we're
stranded out here, or--

You know what, why don't
I give you guys

a private tour
of my own quarters?

We're gonna shake things up.

What we have to do
is we have to transform

those faulty sex bots upstairs
from risible into plausible.

They have to be absolutely
convincing,

especially Sarah-slash-Sarah,

who is driving me
slash-wrists insane.

-(LAUGHTER)
-(BILLIE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

-CYRUS: I have an idea.
-That's funny.

What if we connect
a real comms link

to their prop headsets?

That is brilliant! You see,
that is exactly the sort of idea

I should've had
if I weren't a complete fraud.

(LAUGHTER)

We could tell them
exactly what to say.

So, you wouldn't have Nadia
sitting there like,

(FRENCH ACCENT) "I'm Nadia,
and I'm nominal."

(GIGGLES) "And the systems
are nominal." (GIGGLES)

(DANISH ACCENT) Oh, hey,
my name is Mads, and I am from

-Spain or somewhere.
-(LAUGHTER)

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Uh, hi, my name is Ryan,

and I'm a captain
and an alcoholic.

(LAUGHTER AND GASPING)

Uh, that's-- that's--
that's actually not true.

I'm not a captain.

One of my prized possessions.

First edition
of Billy McFarland's book.

This was way before he became
head of the FBI.

Here are the skulls
of all four Beatles.

All signed.
Not by them, obviously.

That would be impossible.
I signed them.

This is how it all began.
This is when I had my big idea.

This is... not the original.
I threw that one out.

So, I'd better go and have
another drink now.

One of Judd's "my parents
never loved me" parties.

(LAUGHTER)

-Fly safe!
-Fly drunk!

(CHUCKLING) How do you do it?
I thought they'd hate you.

If it's any consolation,
I hate me.

So, what does your husband do?

He's dead. He d*ed in a fire
three months ago.

Oh, right, right. The widow.
Uh, we-- we've mingled already.

No weather in space. Right?

Makes it hard to talk about
the weather,

which I'm kind of illustrating.

I'm sorry, I don't understand
the nature of what you are.

Yeah, my nature is currently
evolving. Look at this. Look.

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Anybody order a captain?

-Judd champagne?
-Thank you.

Have you seen Mr. Judd's
skulls of the four Beatles?

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Four Beatles? John Lennon
was cremated, wasn't he?

All right,
keep that to yourself.

I think one of the skulls
is actually Micky Dolenz.

Oh, that is just
pure arse juice.

I don't believe we've had
the pleasure. Herman Judd.

Oh! Karen Kelly.

Ah! Great. Your, uh, nails
are very long and very sharp.

Thank you! I've been practicing
my handshake since grade school.

-Did she break the skin?
-No.

Okay, good. I like you.
You know how to handle people.

Basically a cattle prod
in a dress.

Enjoying your wine, captain?

JUDD: Mm!

Now, Karen, putting your
passenger hat on for a second,

what more can Iris be doing?

Well, there's quite a divide
between staff and passengers.

-Mm.
-Is that really Gone Girl
on an original Kindle?

Sorry, not now. We're talking.

This is a restricted
conversational area. Thank you.

So, I would suggest,
I don't know, maybe a photo?

Everyone together, you know,
laughing, hitting it off.

-Maybe on the bridge!
-(IRIS LAUGHS)

-That's a shitty idea.
-I love this idea.

-As in, that idea is the sh*t!
-So, we're all agreed

that-- that Karen's idea
is very much the sh*t.

Claw lady's on to something.

We show the people of Earth
a moment of unity.

We have another slingshot
moment coming up

in less than an hour,
around Enceladus.

This is perfect. We get a bunch
of passengers on the bridge,

get some Mr. Average

to push that fake button we have
for the kids.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Why would
you put that idea into his head?

If you could have put anything
in there,

why not general anesthetic?

What is your problem,
you big whinebag?

Well, things on the bridge...

Ah, it's a little fluid
right now.

Yeah, tell me about it.
You're at 85 percent fluid.

Look, you're always saying
the crew are so professional.

Yeah, I say a lot of things
that are sh*t.

-Don't you notice that?
-Yeah.

Enceladus is-- it's--
I don't like it, as a moon.

All right, you middle-aged
f*ck buddies, here's the deal.

Iris just sent word for it
to be announced ship-wide.

(SIGHS) Arse!

Now, where are we at
with the button-pusher?

Mr. Average.

Hey, sweetie. I have your purse.

Oh, hi, honey. Thank you.

Captain, Mr. Judd. Guys.
Can I join the party? (LAUGHS)

-(KAREN CHUCKLES)
-JUDD: He'll do.

I feel like I'm the prom queen
or something.

Drunk on cheap wine,
I'm ready to lose my virginity.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

And I would deflower you
in a second!

I am so proud of you, Frank!

JUDD: Okay, so you'll
hit the button, "Yay,"

cheering, cheering, cheering,
moon-sling,

and then everybody drinks a beer

except for Iris.
Iris is on duty.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You know, it was
kinda nice, earlier,

to talk, you know, like people,
not barking like dogs.

-Assholes. (LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS) Yeah.

-Excuse me.
-WAITER: Hi.

Yes, I'd love a tiramisu.

Oh, you know what,
tiramisu me up too, buddy!

Ah, I'm afraid
there's only one left.

So, for the next however long,
we're out of tiramisu?

-Yeah.
-Oh, my God, this is big.

-I'd better get it, then.
-You'd better get it.

To share, Doug! For us!

Mm. Quote, you were here,
"I better get it then."

Not "us."

Well, "Us better get it"
isn't a sentence, Doug!

God. Take that tiramisu
and shove it right up your ass.

You know what? Tira-me-su!
(LAUGHS) Please.

But not up my assh*le.
You can just put it right here
on the table.

(PIPE VIBRATES, THUDS)

JUDD: Hey there. So, um...

Have you, uh, been
to the Judd jungle gym?

And how did you hear about it?
Targeted ad? Word of mouth?

Your nanny?

-MATT: How you doing, buddy?
-I'm okay.

-How old are you?
-12.

Oh, that's an awful age.

When I was 12,
I wanted to be a rapper.

I tried to buy a g*n,
the whole deal. I was a mess.

No.

You should never speak
to human beings.

Well, I'm the head
of passenger services!

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Good evening,
everybody. Excited?

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Hey, is...

So, Cyrus is ready to prompt
Nadia with the commands, right?

No, she's gonna do it herself.

But she can't do it herself.
She hasn't memorized them.

Oh. You're in character.

I do not know what you mean
by "in character."

-Okay, you're in character.
-I'm being Sarah.

Did you just--
Did you just wink at--

This button doesn't work, right?

(DANISH ACCENT) No, no,
it's not even connected, no.

-Can I? Do you mind?
-Of course.

-(BEEPING)
-Look at that!

It's cool, right?

That's so neat! Iris! Iris!

Hey, I want one of these buttons
for my room.

RYAN: (AMERICAN ACCENT)
Right, bridge crew, ready!

The performing seals are ready.

Whoa, disrespectful.
Seals are pretty smart.

The performing seals are ready.

Only speak
when I say your names!

Nadia, slingshot is primed.

-Slingshot is primed.
-Go, go!

Mads, engines.

-MADS: Engines...
-Go, go.

-Sarah, trajectory.
-SARAH: Trajectory...

Guys, why is nobody answering
their comms?

Are you all out for the day?

Welcome to engineering,

or as I call it, prompting.
Nadia--

There's a rupture
in the turd shield.

-What?
-Yeah!

-Tell me you vented it. Tell--
-Tell me you vented it!

There is a shitstorm coming,
and when I say "sh*t,"

I mean sh*t,
and when I say "storm,"

I mean sh*t!

-Look.
-Oh, for fu-- fu-- fu--

Oh, fa-fa-fa!

-Okay, remember, Frank.
-I know how to work a button.

"Press." It's "press" a button.

Press a button.

Are we still on protocol, team?

Oui, protocol status
is... nominal.

Frank, you're the best.
You're a f*cking silverback.

There are children here.

Let's action slingshot.

Thrusters are primed, Frank. Go.

Go, go!

(GASPING)

I should've done it.

What did I-- Did I--
What did I do?

Invoking emergency
headset protocol.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Cyrus? Billie?

Was that a--
Was that a good shudder?

Or a bad shudder?

(ALARM BLARING)
-Ryan. Ryan, it's Billie.

Someone forgot
to vent the wetsuit.

This is not good.
Very code not good. Code bad!

Ah, that's not really
a code, though, is it?

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Okay!
Why don't we, uh,

take another photograph?
Get all the kids there.

Nice big smiles, everybody.
Right down to the front.

Now, if you bunch in tight...

BILLIE:
Captain. (CLEARS THROAT)

We are currently
leaking human sh*t and piss

live right now.

-Wha--
-Or excrement and urine,

if you're in first class.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
The wetsuit is turds?

That's exactly what it is.
You want a brown star?

Well, "crystal clear"
might seem like

an odd phrase to use right now,
but I think you should've been

crystal clear about this!

I was. I explained this to you
over at Spike's class,

as did Spike,
as did that little child.

God, you don't feel like
a massive idiot

about that button thing, do you?

'Cause you just have to
let it go, honestly,

because it will k*ll you.

Oh, my f*ck!
Look at all that sh*t!

(GASPING)

MATT: So, the ship seems to be
sh1tting itself,

but don't get hung up
on results, Frank.

The journey is the destination.

Iris, I'm hearing things
right now that would worry me

if they were true.
Please tell me they're not true.

-They're all lies.
-Oh, thank God. Wait!

You're just saying that because
I told you to, aren't you?

-Yes.
-Oh, f*ck!

I've never seen
so many number twos.

ZEKE'S MOM:
Is that what I think it is?

Hell yeah, baby. Hell yeah.

(GROANING)

(ALARM SOUNDING)
-RYAN (AUTOMATED):
This is an emergency.

-I did not...
-Please remain calm.

-Okay, that's not good.
-(ENGLISH ACCENT) Okay,

ultra-emergency now.

-I need...
-Accent!

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
...all non-essential personnel

to leave the bridge right now,
please. Thank you.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Not you, not you!

Especially this guy.
Get him out of here.

-FRANK KELLY: Sorry, Karen.
-You son of a bitch!

-RYAN: Please remain calm.
-Sorry.

Yeah, I can't eat this.

Tanto, tanto merda che esce.

-(OVERLAPPING VOICES
IN VARIOUS LANGUAGES)
-Ma tanto, tanto, tanto

esce la merda, esce, esce,
esce. Che cazzo fai?

We are all going to die
of radiation poisoning

if we don't plug the hole in
the vent right now. Like, now.

Okay, if anyone needs
to freak out,

this is a safe space.
Emotionally.

Physically, we're obviously
in terrible danger.

A real captain
would be out there.

Yes! Captain, you need to get
out there and fix...

whatever this is.
This dark evil.

Look, I think you may
have to do this.

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
No. No, no, no.

Mr. Judd, the captain's place
is on the bridge.

Look, the whole world
wants to see you out there!

No, the whole world
wants to see a specialist,

and I am not
a specialist in that.

Go, Mr. Wetsuit! He's an expert.

I never knew that before.

You are the perfect man
for this job.

Zeke, whoever does go out there,
I'm gonna make sure they bring

you back a nice, big--

Captain Clark saved my life
20 years ago.

When we were mining
for asteroids. Do you remember?

My harness failed, and I thought
I was gonna die.

(SNIFFLES)

And the captain untethered
his tether,

and he jumped out
and he caught me.

And he loves his uniform.
But he loves danger more.

And that is why
we are saved, people.

So, now you can act?

(APPLAUSE)

Wh-- No, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Avenue 5!

CROWD: Avenue 5!

-Fly safe, cap!
-Yeah! Right.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Of all
the things that are not good

about this, one of them is,
I'm still drunk!

Okay, listen,
it's gonna be fine.

Uh, focus on her, because she's
got a really promising story.

Is there a worse way to die?
Because right now,

I'd be inclined
to pick that one.

It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna
talk directly into your ear,

and I'm gonna walk you through
this whole horror.

You've just gotta find me
on the comms link,

or I won't be able to help you.

Okay, find me on the comms link.
Thank you. Take him down.

-Find me on the comms link!
-Back to your stations.

-RYAN: Please remain calm.
-JUDD: We got this!

There is a rupture in the hull,
and Cap has gone to do an EVA.

So, emergency drill. Go, go, go!

-Uh, oui. Go, go!
-Yes.

-EVA?
-Yes!

-(CHUCKLES)
-I love improv.

(CHEERING)

I believe in you.

But if, for whatever reason,
it doesn't work out,

I'm gonna name a sports center

or artificial ski slope
after you.

Okay, engineering. Forward split
wetsuit protocol three

to my station.

Protocol three.
That is my favorite protocol.

SARAH: Protocol three.

-BILLIE: Okay.
-Oh, f*cking hell.

BILLIE: Ryan?
Ryan, can you hear me?

Are you ready to do this?

With every fiber
of my being, no.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Captain, what exactly
are you looking at?

The inside of my eyelids.

Can you get visuals
on the compromise?

Visuals?
What's wrong with "see"?

Or "come back in"?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

RAV MULCAIR:
Oh, this is not good.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do 600 push-ups
and then throw up in the sink.

I'll see you later
at the Halfway Home Party.

MAN: Is-- Is that true?

Well, it was true
when I said it.

Like a marriage vow.

This party is going to be
an orgy of the gods.

-So firm.
-Well... (STUTTERS)

Firm is my middle name.

WOMAN: What's your first name?
-Colin.