01x06 - Was It Your Ears?

[bunniefuu]

Captain needs to locate
the lateral access valve.

Don't worry, Captain!

You got this!

I've got this.

- That's it.
- Oh, bugger me!

Oh no!

Get me a car to Buffalo.

You're going to the White House?

Oh, yes! Time to do
some corporate begging.

Oh!

Oh, hey! Come on.

I was just doing my job.

Just did what we had to do.

I did what I had to do.

It's getting thicker!

- This is your fault.
- It's Frank's fault!

- He hit the big brown buttons.
- Frank!

Ship him out!

Frank! Frank!

Calm,
and I cannot stress this enough,

the f*ck down!

These people
are humanity's finest,

and they need...

The president will see you now.

Great.

He
Nearly got Frank space-lynched,

so what are we gonna do
about Judd?

Two options.

One, m*rder. And two,

and I know I keep
looping back to this...

m*rder.

You keep saying that word,
Karen.

You keep saying it.

Okay, can you please
just let me fix your door?

No. I'm going to do this myself.

I may be a fake and a fraud
and a terrible lay

and a credit risk
and a tax-dodger

and an emotional homunculus,

but I am still a useful,
functioning...

Actually, can you do this?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Baby!
- What?

A passenger has just gone
into labor.

- There's gonna be a baby!
- Whoa!

Holy sh*t! We're having a baby?

- Mr. Judd's in there.
- Why?

He's, quote,
"executive producing" the birth.

- Here.
- Yeah, yeah, leave it with me.

- I'm fine. Yeah.
- You all right?

That's it, come on!
Get it out of her!

That's it. Hey! Hey!

Vacuum extraction! My idea!
We're gonna suck a person

- out of this person!
- Yeah.

Let's go!

God,
the baby is going from a womb

surrounded by bodily fluids

to a ship surrounded
by bodily solids.

Where did you come from,
eyeballs?

Originally? Pennsylvania.

Before the fires.

Whoa!

- I'll cut the string.
- Cord.

Full Hakuna Matata!

There we go. Hey...

I'm gonna keep the placenta.
Fair's fair.

Have this snap frozen.
Landmark human tissue.

- You f*cking k*lled it.
- What?

- Oh...
- Like, I'm smiling.

You k*lled it, like...

It's a baby.

Yeah, it's really...
It's a good one.

People of Avenue 5,

I bring you tidings
of great joy.

At 1105 hours today,
we welcomed

- the first ever bab...
- The first baby born in space!

- Oh, I'm so sorry, did you...
- It's fine.

- I just really wanted to say it.
- I'm so sorry.

You know, I sometimes have this
terrible case of Karen Mouth

and, you know...

What's the name?

Oh, now she's interested
in babies.

No name as yet.
Current alias, AKA Space Baby.

- A beautiful...
- Baby boy!

- Little baby b...
- Baby boy!

I did it again! You know
what it was?

'Cause you said "little," so...

And I just went straight
to "baby boy,"

so I got there first,
otherwise we would've...

Is that it?
Or is it your Karen Mouth

that you can't shut?

What is that?
Why is the ship beeping?

You know... and this has
never happened before...

I don't actually know.

What does he look like?

- Oh, he is adora...
- Adora...

What is your damage?

- We need to sort this...
- Yeah, Captain, I'm on it.

Presumably, it's a warning
of some kind.

Well, yes, you don't usually
have a recurring beep

to tell you
everything's going just fine.

It's down here.

Some... It's somewhere...

No, it's... it's...

No, it's not up here.

Man, they really love
that baby, huh?

Yeah, babies are like
New Zealanders.

Everyone loves them
and the funny way they talk.

- Oh, there's Iris.
- See that? See that?

She never looks at me like that.

She never gives me that look.

Funny.

- Are you hurting?
- Hmm?

Is that baby hurting you?

Yeah?

Face it.
They prefer that baby to me.

Baby gives them hope.

All I give them
is shitty-yuck-yuck.

Not that it's a competition.

Judd versus Baby.

But if it were,
I'd destroy that baby.

Physically, emotionally,
endurance-wise.

I'd finish that baby

before he could get past
the first month.

It wouldn't even be
a fair contest.

One sh*t to the soft spot,
that baby's down for the count.

Yeah, it wouldn't have
the upper body strength.

Captain? Captain.
Uh, the ship is beeping.

And I can tell you why.
I'm going to cover my mouth...

because this
could cause mass distress.

It's an oxygen beep.
Uh, we've got a leak.

- Well... I mean, that...
- Billie? Billie?

I don't know
what else it could be,

and maybe he's right?

- I... I... I just...
- We need oxygen!

- I love oxygen!
- Captain, your mouth.

- Cover your f*cking mouth.
- Billie?

Well, hopefully it's just one...

Hopefully, it's just

- one leaking t*nk...
- Okay.

But if the recycling
system's screwed, then...

so are we.

The running out of air,
is it as bad as they say?

- Or not as bad?
- Yeah, it's bad.

I mean, like, first you get,
like, a grittiness in your eyes,

then your tongue is literally
gonna boil in your mouth

before you just pass out and you
just never wake up again.

Don't forget the organ failure.

Oh, I almost forgot
the organ failure.

I've just seen
my perfect Space Baby.

Iris,
you should prepare to enjoy

your last moments of happiness,

because we think
we may have an oxygen leak.

- An oxygen leak?
- Shh!

Freak out into your hand
and cover your mouth.

- Do we have enough to get home?
- It depends.

Vigorous activity would
drain this turkey in no time.

I'm talking exercise, singing,

lovemaking,
if you're doing it right.

Ugh.

Hey! Hi there. Howdy.

You keep greeting people
in triplicate,

we'll be dead by Tuesday.

- Karen.
- Hey.

Why do you all look so jumpy?

We... have a leak.
We're running out of oxygen.

A leak?!

What is this ship made of,
tin foil?

Hi, girl.

I don't actually think
this is about

that non-combat-ready baby.

I think it's about

what your inner voice
is telling you about yourself.

- What is it saying?
- The one I'm using now?

No, the voice inside your head.

Oh, no, my thoughts connect
instantaneously with my mouth.

It's extremely efficient.

Clinically,
it's probably very unique.

Iris!

Okay, how about this?

You need to change
the way they see you.

You need to change the way
they see the sh*t.

Wait...

Are... Are you...

Are you talking about...

lasers?

Specifically...

illuminating the ring
of nasty sh*t

around the ship
with some g*dd*mn lasers?

Iris!

- Miss Mulcair?
- Hi.

The President thanks you
for your visit,

and I can confirm
we will be funding the rescue.

Oh, knock me sideways!

That is like diving into
a bath of beans!

Well, once you clear it
with the Other President,

you are good to go!

I'm sorry?
The Other President?

I assumed the Other President
was already across this.

We don't like to bother
the Other President

unless
it's absolutely necessary.

- No?
- So, if you could just slip on

these electrostatic
shoe covers...

- Right, okay, right.
- If we could just get a move on.

Okay. Let's go and... do this!

Good morning and so forth.
Mm-hmm.

- Oh, Mr. Judd...
- Great.

Shall we begin this meeting
forthwith heretofore, please?

All right, so, uh, welcome

to this first passenger-crew
liaison meeting.

f*cking hands!

All you had to do
was hold the cup!

- Fumbling b*tches...
- Is he British?

- No, he's doing a voice.
- Oh, okay.

You know it's coming,
then you forget it's coming,

- and it just...
- Set a reminder, uh,

pre-beep to remind me
of the big beep.

- You got it, baby.
- Already on it, thank you, Matt.

All right, so,
I think it would be fitting

- to start with an apology.
- I accept.

From you to me,
you big S-gibbon,

because you tried to fire
my husband out the ship!

Mm-mm. I never say sorry.

Like my hero, Gandhi.

All right. Agenda, shall we?

I have a question.

I would like a new cabin
away from my broken prophylactic

- of a husband.
- Will you...

All due respect, normo,
we have bigger fish to fry.

Second that.
And we can't afford the air.

- Right.
- Wait, why not?

What do you mean,
you can't afford the air?

- Iris, did you... did you just laugh?
- You're delirious.

All right, so,
I have figured out a way

to re-perceive the turd sleeve
around this ship.

Three words:
Theatrical lighting rig.

And here's five:
What, what, and why?

Uh... No, that's four.

f*ck, I'm so tired.
Jesus.

I'm sorry,
are we running out of air?

- Yeah.
- Like, actual air?

Not, like, cooking air

or, you know, like,
air conditioning...

In nine months,
so don't get pregnant,

that'd be a complete
waste of time.

Okay, I'm... I'm calm.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Good. All right.

- So, can we just focus...
- I thought I was calm,

but I am not f*cking calm.
I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna run out of air!

Thank you.

- Hey, Secretary of State.
- Hi, Judd Galaxy.

I like your nails.

- Thank you.
- You got any wax?

- This string's dried out.
- What, crossbow wax?

Ooh, let me have a look.
No, sorry.

Oh, it's me.

Okay. Do I just...?

Miss Mulcair, please clearly

and audibly state your business.

Right, hello. Uh, I am here
on behalf of Judd Galaxy.

We urgently need rescue funds.

Four point two three
trillion dollars.

I believe written materials
have been submitted directly...

into you?

We will
redirect funds from the...

National Child Welfare...

program.

Oh. Oh, my God.
This... This is...

everything!

Thank you so much!

I have been
in such a dark place.

Can I... No? No?

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Please,
will you consider the removal

of 500 non-essential passengers?

Right.

I absolutely hear...
what you're saying.

It's just that that would raise
one or two

- ethical questions...
- Thank you!

Your query has been forwarded
to the...

Department of Ethics.

- But, uh...
- Goodbye. Have a nice day.

No. No, no, no, no.

All right,
so I appreciate that some of us

are sleep-victimized. However,

bearing in mind
the scarcity of resources,

can we try to keep lang'
at an abs' min'?

- Wh... What are you saying?
- I am trying to conserve oxygen

by... 'bridging my w'rds.

Well, it's highly,
highly confusing.

You see, you did not need
the second "highly,"

- one would've s'ff'c'd.
- Would...

- Sufficed.
- Ugh.

- Jesus frazzling Christ!
- Oh, my God.

Can we skip
the missing letters round?

I've just reconsidered
your earlier point,

re: An apology. S'ry.

- Iris, you laughed!
- Fine! I'm s...

- What's the matter with you?
- I... I find it amusing.

I don't know why,
it just... beep!

Why are you being such a baby,
Iris? Hmm?

You like babies so much
you wanna be one?

Question: Are we really
running out of air?

- Supplemental: What the f*ck?
- Yes!

To your first question.

I don't know how to answer
your second question.

But Matty and I
have come up with

a series
of oxygen conservation policies.

"Oxygen conservation policies."

Well, that's a lungful
right there.

Let's try to keep the energy
positive around Mr. Judd

- while he pupates.
- While he what?

While he pupates.

I've gone through a period
of serious introspection

since last night.

Okay, so first of...

Oh, also, you should know,
I... I tent now.

First up, no running.
Leads to panting.

- Don't do it.
- Oh, secondly,

fat people shouldn't use stairs,
and avoid any incline.

Direct! Merciless. Yes.

Uh, fat people should not
exert themselves.

- By fat people, do you mean...
- Anyone over two...

Two hundred
and fifty-seven pounds.

- Mm-mm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, uh, yes,
a 257-pound cutoff.

So what are we going to do? We're gonna
weigh people as they go about their...

- Are you really asking questions about...
- You know what? Everyone...

Please get outta here. I... I
need a safe space to create.

Just me, Matty, and the person
whose name I ignored.

- Who's that?
- You.

Okay.

That guy is a complete moron.
The more he talks,

- the more in danger we all are.
- Unless we 'M' him.

Okay, Karen,
you gotta stop saying that.

That is clearly not an option...

Life coached by Matt?

That's like being taught
to drive by a hen.

We're running out of oxygen
and he's "pupating."

He could k*ll us all.

Well, you know, Iris,
we could... sedate him.

Yeah, no, that could work.
That could actually work.

Well, we could double the dose?

He might have a stroke,

then you'll only be physically
wiping his ass.

Right. Where are we gonna get
sedatives and a dart g*n?

Well, Matt monitors the supply,

and I bet he has full access
to whatev' they got down there.

Sir, it's Rav for you.

We round Jupiter in three
minutes and lose comms.

My cabin is closest,
so stride with me.

Excuse me! Karen Kelly!
Make a hole, or I will!

Gah...

Now, honey,

I have an update for you,

and I don't want you
to go all flappy on me.

Okay...

The ship is leaking oxygen.

From what I understand,

it will be like drowning
with dirt in your mouth

and a tractor on your chest.

Okay.

That's fine.

f*ck.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
It's only oxygen.

All right.

So don't talk,

because then you will last
marginally longer.

Attaboy.

Okay, guys,
I think we're on. Yeah.

And we don't have long with her,
and it could get a little bit glitchy.

Hello... speaking... Hello?

Great. Hi! I... start speaking.

I'm gonna start speaking
before... get cut off.

I have some good news
and some not so good news.

The good news is...
we have funding!

Yay! Come on!

Wh... What was that?
What did she...

- She said they had funding.
- Shush! Yes, yes, shush! -The not so good news is

the Other President suggested
we explore losing...

500 NEPs, but I rejected that,

I said, "No, we are not k*lling
500 people, not today!"

Other President
sug... we explore

losing 500 NEPs...

Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no. No, no, no! No!

No, now Earth is the other side of Jupiter.

- What's NEPs?
- Non-essential personnel, like...

- Mm... Mm-mm.
- Okay. That is not on the table.

We are not getting rid of
500 non-essential personnel.

My hands always get clammy

whenever I shower
in a strange room.

f*ck you, Doug!

- How are you here?
- Yeah, what the actual frig?

Are you wearing Frank's clothes?

- Two sugars?
- Yeah.

I have just been ordered
homeless by Herman Judd,

so I no longer have access
to a bathroom.

Oh, great. You see this, Frank?

He's using you
as a toilet friend.

Are you guys
seriously considering

getting rid of 500 passengers?

No, and you are not gonna say it
out there. All right?

And you're particularly
not gonna say it

in front of Herman Judd.- -

- Oh, you... monotonal f*ck!
- f*ck you, Doug!

Good morning, everyone!

We finally have a baby name.

Kayden!

- Kayden?
- That's an assh*le name!

Okay, it's just a word.

And you're an assh*le, assh*le.

- Oh, you.
- Doug.

You look different.
Fatter, maybe?

No, it's probably just
my spirit swelling

now that I'm not with you.

- Hey, you're hiding something.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

I know that, Doug,
that's your factory setting.

Actually, I... I have been
made privy to something.

Okay, so you know about

- the oxygen.
- The passengers.

- Oxygen?
- The shortage.

- There's a shortage of air?
- Yes!

- Holy f*ck! Are you kid...
- Okay, okay...

- Oh, my God, are you serious?
- Stop panicking.

This is when one panics!
We are running out of air

and they're sh**ting 500
passengers out of the airlock.

- What?
- Yes!

The airlock? Oh, my God!
Oh, my f*cking God!

- That's horrible.
- This is panicking!

- Why can you panic and I can't...
- I'm not panicking!

- Yeah, neither was I!
- Then stop and lower your voice!

Fine.

Also, the captain is speaking
in that British voice...

- Yeah, I heard that.
- All right, listen, fucker,

if they start suggesting names
of passengers,

let's not suggest each other,
all right?

- That's actually a really good...
- Okay, fine.

- Good plan.
- All right.

Put your hard-on away.

This is purely
self-preservation.

Yeah, I think the same thing.

- Great.
- All right, see you I...

- See you around.
- Okay. See you never.

Come on.

- f*ck you!
- No, f*ck you, Doug!

Do you wanna...

Okay, Matt, uh...

Uh, I... I, um...

- I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need?

Synthetic veal?
p*rn? Mint jelly?

All of them, if you can.

- Jesus!
- But first, I... I, uh...

I actually want lots and lots
and lots of sedatives.

Look, my area of expertise
is pretty limited.

It's basically recreational
barbiturates,

Eastern sex practices,
Christmas music.

But I do know suffering,
and you're suffering.

So I just need a little bit more
information to make sure

I'm not causing more harm
than I'm fixing.

- I was bullied at school.
- Was it your ears?

What? No. What do you mean?

- What's wrong with my ears?
- Nothing.

But that is what I would
go in on, if I was bullying you.

I'd make you self-conscious

about something
that isn't even a thing

because it makes you
question your sanity.

Ain't that right,
you jar-eared Dumbo f*ck?

- It's brutal.
- I... Yeah... Mm.

You're right, I hate my ears.
Yeah.

- Sedatives?
- I mean, look at you.

You're like a gimp on a leash
right now.

- Mm-hmm.
- You'd do anything for these dr*gs.

- Anything.
- And if I don't give 'em to you,

you're probably gonna go
below decks...

and get them from the guys
down there.

But you're gonna have to
sexually humiliate yourself.

You are so good.
You're right.

I was this close
to going down there and...

showing someone my bottom.

Well, I...
I got the, um, the sleeping...

- Oh.
- Yeah. Take two of these,

it's like you've d*ed
and gone to the opera.

All right, so give me one

because I'm so tired
that my hair hurts me.

Oh, no.
These are for, um...

what's the... who's the guy
who runs Judd Industries?

- Judd.
- Yes.

So, apparently, even, uh,
Space Baby can't sleep.

Respectfully, f*ck him.

No, seriously, 'cause he's...
He's in an incubator,

those things are soundproofed
to balls.

I'll take the sedatives,
and I'll go Judd drug.

No, Karen, you will k*ll him.
There's a difference.

Okay, so you two
give me the, um...

them things,
and then I'll go...

What?

I'll go to... Who they for?

- I'll take them. I'll take...
- Oh, no, no, Billie, Billie, no...

- Yeah, but I'm gonna give them... - Billie, give them to me.
- Okay...

Oh, look, it's the king!

- Where?
- A-ha!

In your face, you and...
And the other one.

Okay. Michele's an engineer,

you tell him
exactly what you want.

- Get as technical as you like.
- Okay.

Michele, huh?

I don't like boys
with girls' names.

Okay, so...

We fire the glitter at the turds
as we turn the lasers on?

Or... sequins.

Maybe sequin bombs that we make
from degradable plastics,

and then sh**t them
at the turds.

I'm thinking six
every two minutes,

to ensure a steady shimmer.

Then glitter, then confetti,

then, maybe, fairy lights,
if we all feel we've earned it.

Okay, read it back to me.

Let's make a sex tape!

Get out of my line of sight.

Action.

Herman Judd here,
with a brief word.

Indeed, all of our words
must now be brief.

That is because we're
running out of breathable air.

I had intended to ease
into that one.

We will plug this leak.
But until we do,

you must remain
breathing steadily

to minimize all oxygen usage.

And cut out all
unnecessary conversation.

No sighing, no gasping,

no unnecessary sneezing,
no flouncing.

If you have to be
passive aggressive,

do it only with your eyes.

Relax.

Iris!

No, no, no, wait.
This is recorded. That's...

that's not the actual beep.

But do remain breathing calmly.

That's the actual beep.

That is now a legal requirement.

Thanks, g*ng.

Okay, I'm gonna tell a joke now.

The setup is that
there are three men

of three different
nationalities.

I won't tell you
which nationalities,

'cause otherwise
you might find it amusing.

The punchline is that
one of the men in the joke

is considerably
more parsimonious

than the other two men
in the joke.

Thus concludes the joke.

That was not funny.

Here it comes.

Iris!

As I walk up,
there's these cars

falling out of the bed.
It was just...

What is the nature
of this conversation?

Uh, I'm just talking about
my grandchildren.

Would you classify it
as essential?

News flash: It isn't.

Okay, now I'm gonna do
some oxygen-efficient banter

with the audience.

- Ma'am, where are you from?
- Utah.

That's nice.

You are banal as sh*t.

I hear ya, honey.

Shoehorns are weird, aren't they?

Thus concludes
the shoehorns section.

Thank you.

I thought I'd set up...

I can't... I can't. I'm sorry.

I said, I thought I'd set up
in a space

where everyone feels welcome.

In God's office?

Jesus, Vishnu, Allah,
Karen Kelly.

I think I have
a ways to go just yet.

- Sedatives.
- Oh...

Ryan!

Get ready to have your butt
and/or ball blown off.

Mr. Judd is about
to perform his first miracle.

We're gonna sparklify
the Halo of Crud.

I have an update.

Space Baby has jaundice.
He's on a respirator.

Jaundice?
Somebody's got a weak liver.

- Is he okay?
- He's fine,

just laying there
with his oxygen mask.

Greedy little f*ck.

Yeah! There's my girl.
Welcome back. Missed you, girl.

Yeah, f*ck Space Baby,
stealing all our oxygen.

Who's stealing
the oxygen? What's going on?

We just heard the news.

Oh, sh*t. They told you?

About the 500 NEPs
they're sh**ting into space?

What? Doug, what are you doing?

- You're such an idiot.
- I'm whispering so we're...

Shh, shh, shh...

Quiet!

You... chattering...

fucks!

Can you hear me?

- Yes.
- I can.

- What about now?
- Yes. It was the same.

What about now?

- Too low.
- Too low.

Okay, I'll go up.

Bless you.

Oxygen...

f*ck!

Shut up, Frank!

Now that you have...

- Guys. Please. Guys.
- Oh, my God.

That's like a full t*nk.

You have to think
before you speak.

And then, think again.

And then think,
"I shouldn't speak."

And then, don't speak.

Iris!

- f*ck you, Doug!
- Hey, you.

What are NEPs?

They're non-essential personnel.

- What?!
- I...

Iris, will you shut the f*ck up?

Is it true? You're just gonna
k*ll 500 passengers?

Why wasn't I notified?

Was I notified?

When was I notified?

Who are you to determine
who is essential?

I can't go. I'm the only
radiologist in outer space.

Darrell, I'm standing
right here!

We've been colleagues for years!

It's not an oxygen beep.

It's not an oxygen beep!

I checked all the tanks,
and the beeping

is the ship telling us
to recalibrate for the baby.

There's an extra passenger.

It needs to recalibrate.

There's no oxygen...

That would be the other reason.

- Oh, my...
- What, you... you didn't

- rule that out already, huh?
- Shut up, Spike.

There is air.
There is enough air

for maybe some of you
to thank me. I'm Billie.

We have air?

- Yeah, we have air.
- So we can shout?

If you want to, I guess, yes.

You guys were trying to k*ll us!

Yeah, you had a list going!
Guess what?

Now we're gonna make
a f*cking list!

- And you all...
- I don't even care about names,

I just want blood.

And... light 'em up!

- Oh, my...
- Oh!

Wow.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful!

It is beautiful.

Until you really think about it.

Who knew sh*t
could be so enchanting?

Me. I did. I knew.

He's transformed the most
disgusting thing imaginable

into a kaleidoscope
of butt truffles!

Well, you gotta say,
he knows his audience.

So... he lives.
For tonight.

Okay, it's over.

The nightmare is over.

This... this part
of the nightmare is over.

Congratulations.

Why don't you give yourself
a little pat on the back,

or the ass?

Give your ass a little squeeze,
and then...

go make love to yourself
in a sleazy motel.

You earned it.

You're really f*cking weird,
dude.

I don't wanna
do these hangouts anymore.

They make me kinda sick.

- That's okay.
- No, it isn't.

Your ears are beautiful.

To me.

It's the most plausible
he's looked in weeks.

I'm gonna miss talking to ya,
sweetie.