03x02 - Girls Are Angry Too

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Big Mouth". Aired: September 29, 2017 - present.*
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Andrew is learning that first hand as he experiences the nightmare that is growing up in this animated series.
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03x02 - Girls Are Angry Too

Post by bunniefuu »

So, to begin with,
we both love romantic comedies...

- This is actually how we met.
- Let me tell it.

- Okay.
- I was watching Must Love Dogs...

- Oh, Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.

Diane... Lane.

There's a scene where she comes down
for her date with John Cus...

- Oh, I love that scene.
- Yes, she's in this spaghetti strap dress.

- Ooh-la-la.
- I look over next to me,

- and who's sitting there...
- This guy!

He was a dog.

- I really thought he was a large dog.
- Woof, woof!

So anyway, he suggests we double down

- and watch Nights in Rodanthe...
- No!

- It wasn't Nights in Rodanthe.
- Yes, it was.

- It was Under the Tuscan Sun. Yes.
- Ugh, as much as I hate to say it,

- he's right.
- He hates when I'm right. He hates it.

- I hate it.
- Like, when I'm like,

"Let's jerk off in the shower."

Well, it rattles me, you know?
You're so... often wrong.

- But when I'm right...
- When you're right, you're right!

So Diane's life had come to a standstill...

Right, she needs to find herself in Italy.

Okay, and this whole family sees her
on a balcony,

- and she's in her bra.
- And we paused it,

and I did what I did,

- and, uh...
- Yeah, the rest is history.

Wow, that was over 18 months ago.

- Feels like I've known you a lifetime.
- Yeah.

- Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.

Is any of this usable?

I am your new Hormone Monster.

Okay, just gonna...

Why do my nipples hurt so much?

Happy Valentime's Day,
my little baby Bunsen burner.

Oh, hey, happy Valentine's Day.

- I was just, um...
- Sneaking out?

No, I wasn't sneaking out, I just...
You know, late for school, but...

Hey, do you know what's going on
with my nipples?

Oh, yeah, they're gonna get all tender
and swolled up like a Butterball turkey.

And do you know if this is, like,
normal for boys?

- Absolutely. I think so.
- What?

- Maybe.
- Hold on,

am I the first boy to ever have
a lady hormone monster?

- Pssh, no! Course not.
- Oh, good.

- You just happen to be my first boy.
- What?

- I'm the first boy you've ever had?
- They like me with girls, mostly.

I don't think I'm a girl, am I?

- No, you definitely got a penis.
- Right, I'm a boy.

- Or a girl, with a penis.
- You know what? I really just gotta go.

All right, you run along, baby.

I'll be here farting up in your bed.

Mmm, that smells like raw honey.

Sorry, forgot my... Oh, my God!
What is that?

- You like that?
- No!

That came from the front.

Okay... all right.

What do you think of my valentine
for Missy?

- Okay, let me...
- Will you put your glasses on?

I don't need 'em. I don't need glasses.

Okay, let me see... "Your move, mama."

- Right?
- Interesting.

Remember, I saw on your computer
that she still has a thing for me.

So you're telling her
to make the next move,

even though you've made no move?

Exactly.
I always blow it on Valentine's Day

because I try too hard.
But this year?

I'm flipping the script, daddio.

- A red Kangol hat?
- Burgundy.

Andrew, I'm gonna be honest with you.

You look...

insanely good.

- Like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game.
- That's exactly what I was going for!

Women love Billy Crystal!

Dina!

Oh, Dina!

You understand! You understand!

Your dad did not understand.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ugh. Valentine's Day sucks!

Is this trying too hard?

I got it at Topman, yet it screams bottom.

Top, bottom.
These are old paradigms, man.

- You look like a hot hunk of cheese.
- Ah, f*ck it.

I'm the only out kid in the whole school.

There's nobody for me
to give a valentine to.

That's why I've been pushing you
to go on websites.

Going online to meet someone
just feels thirsty.

Yeah, thirsty for some of that bussy.

Bussy? What is bussy?

- It's butt p*ssy. You're into that, right?
- Hmm, I don't know.

That's why you gotta get online, Matt.

Oh! They talkin' 'bout butt p*ssy!

If that makes you uncomfortable,
buckle up, y'all!

'Cause this is a double episode!

Double the butt p*ssy!

That's four cheeks.
Spread 'em out, b*tches!

God, Jay, you're so good
at the before-sex stuff.

Yeah, for girls and guys, bro.

Oh, yeah, I guess I'm kind of...

the ultimate f*ck machine?

Welcome back.

Jay's about to jerk and chow his way
through our brutal course,

all to become the next...

Ultimate f*ck Machine!

And here he goes.

First up is Booby Bridge.

And... he made it!

Now he's gotta get
past the Ding-Dong Pegs.

Rock those cocks, dude!

On to the Double Gazz...

If he can just get them to cum
at the same time...

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Jay Bilzerian is your...

Ultimate f*ck Machine!

God, I love f*cking you both,

but in such different ways.

So, what are we doing for V-Day,
Jacked Galifianakis?

I want a romantic dinner
and a magical night of hardcore pounding.

But I wanna do
a bro CrossFit workout session

and stuff that grape leaf.

How are we supposed to share you,
you stinky little sex champ?

Guys, relax. I can do you both

and give each of you the perfect
Valentine's Day.

Now, who should I flop my d*ck
around on to dry it off?

- Me, bro, me!
- No, me, Jay, me!

Happy Valentine's Day, Nicky!

Mmm, looks like it's just gonna be
the three of us for dinner tonight.

- Did you make your mother a card?
- I'm on it.

- Judd, what about you?
- Dad, your breath smells like p*ssy.

- It always does.
- Ew, gross.

Nick, your family has no boundaries!

They're like Doctors Without Borders.

♪ If the doctors ate each other out ♪

Guys, can we just tone it down
this year for Valentine's Day?

Tone it down?

Nicky, Valentine's Day, it's wonderful...
It's... It's...

♪ It's a day of hugs and snuggles ♪

♪ A time to spread your loving seeds ♪

♪ It's a rolling, growing pink snowball ♪

♪ Of stress that no one needs ♪

♪ It's unhealthy expectations ♪

♪ An opportunity to impress ♪

♪ It's a yearly grim reminder ♪

♪ That your life's a f*cked-up mess ♪

♪ It's a dark and lurid history ♪

♪ Of deviant pagan kicks ♪

♪ It's outrageously expensive ♪

♪ Just stay home and watch the Knicks ♪

♪ It's a big fat middle finger ♪

♪ To those who are all alone ♪

♪ Whether sick or tired or uninspired ♪

♪ You still gotta bring the bone ♪

♪ It's a clusterfuck of passions ♪

♪ An emotional tour de force ♪

♪ It's a cuddly little cupid ♪

♪ With the cock of a full-grown horse ♪

♪ Valentine, St. Valentine ♪

♪ I gotta make it through your day ♪

♪ Of candy hearts and chocolate sharts ♪

♪ And every bullshit love cliché ♪

♪ The hard-ons and the heartaches ♪

♪ The pressure, pain, and fear ♪

♪ Valentine's Day ♪

♪ Got to survive you another year ♪

- ♪ What does having... ♪
- ♪ I can't take it ♪

♪ ...a girl hormone monster mean? ♪

♪ How long can I be a f*ck machine? ♪

- ♪ I'll be cool, and she'll be droolin' ♪
- ♪ Why is there never anyone for me? ♪

♪ But then what if the Knicks
Aren't on TV? ♪

♪ Valentine, St. Valentine ♪

♪ Your day is f*ckin' asinine ♪

♪ But I swear by God ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it through ♪

...through!

Andrew,
and I don't mean this as a compliment,

you look like a lesbian newsie.

- Say what? You mean my Kangol hizzie?
- Oh, the hats.

Why with the hats?

Guys, I happen to be playing it cool
for Valentine's Day.

Oh, no, I know what you're going for,
it's just the hat's awful.

- I disagree, Red.
- Red?

This proper topper
may not lift your skirt,

but by the end of the day,

Missy will be eating out of my cool,
clammy hands.

I can already see the endgame.

Oh, wow, what a terrific thrill!

But, uh, this award really belongs to...

Andrew Glouberman, my lover, my manager,

and he's the cool cat with the Kangol hat!

Because of my success,
I could have anyone,

but I still choose Andrew. He's the one.

Please, please.

But she is correct.
I did this. I did this myself.

You are a real nightmare.

It's the hat. He builds the character
out from the hat.

Jesus!

Red roses?

That is so cliché.

I told you
I wanted something devastating this year.

I don't know what that means.
Why don't you just tell me what you want?

I want you to surprise me with something

that shows everyone
I'm the most special girl in the world,

obviously.

Baby, what if I got you a Nintendo Switch
and we shared it?

It's Valentine's Day at Bridgeton Middle.

Who's your valentine?

If you don't have one,
you're probably ugly and don't know it.

With me now is Lump Humpman.

Lump, do you know you're ugly?

My mom says my attitude is what's ugly.

Hey, guys!

Me and Gina are co-hosting
a Valentine's Day fiesta

tonight at my mom's condo.

For the record, it's not my party.

You see, my mom is having a conjugal visit

with this prisoner that she's pursuing.

She's, like, ultimately, very relentless.

- Not my party.
- Also!

It's a food drive for special girls
whose moms left grocery money,

- but they spent it all at Sephora!
- She bought eight different perfumes.

And, Nick!

You can't come
because you were a little d*ck

to my chica, Gina.

- Hello.
- Ugh. Hello, Nick.

But I will leave the back door unlocked

because, like, at the end of the day,
I love drama.

- Good to know.
- Also, I'm, like, starving!

I've been living on perfume squirts.

Squirt, squirt! Step into it.
Chomp, chomp!

Ooh, yeah! Liquid sex.

Hi, Andrew. Nice Kangol hat.

You look like...
Well, you look like my dad, actually.

- We're all lookin' for a daddy.
- Hmm, no, my dad's pretty present.

- Anyway, I made this valentine for you.
- Ah, that's sweet.

You're a sweet kid. Hey, hey, hey.

- Don't ever let this town change you.
- Okay.

Well, anyway, in this valentine is
actually a homemade tissue paper collage

of St. Valentine secretly
marrying a couple...

I wish I had something for...
Uh-oh, what's that?

I don't know, looks like you threw
something on the floor.

Oh. "Your move, mama"?
Huh? What does that mean?

Oh, you know what it means,
Mama Leone.

If that's movin' up,
then I am most definitely

a-movin' out.

Hot dang!
Billy Joel makes my bussy tingle.

Okay, uh...
Lars, Caleb, these are for you.

- What? She made one for everyone?
- Here you go.

There's a poem inside written
by Charles, Duke of Orléans, to his wife.

Holy smokes! The first known valentine!

Composed in 1415!

Jinx. Buy me a sugar-free organic cola.

Oh, no! She's laughing at his joke! Quick!

Jump up and touch the doorjamb!
Show her your physical prowess!

- Ow, f*ck! My coccyx!
- Slink out!

- Slink out of the room!
- I'm fine!

Oh, I hope this doesn't jam my stool.

- So what do I do here, just...
- Are we starting?

...just clip this to my f*cking fur?

- Connie drives me crazy.
- I love big and I love hard.

- I got my period...
- Oof.

Then I got cramps that were truly
like a hate crime.

- Mm-hmm.
- Then I threw a yogurt at my mother.

It was beautiful!

Tell him what happened, baby.

- I mean, I don't feel like that story...
- Come on!

...casts me in the best light.

- Well then, I'm gonna tell'm for ya, so...
- Okay.

So, Jessi comes down for breakfast,

and Shannon says,
"Now, that color looks nice on you."

- "What about the other colors then, Mom?"
- Exactly!

- It's crazy.
- That's why that yogurt needed

to end up on the wall!

"You like that color, Shannon?
Yogurt-on-the-wall color?"

- You're crazy, girl!
- You're crazy!

I can't wait till you get
your driver's license!

Oh, it's gonna be epic.

I just don't think a boy should have
a lady hormone monster.

I mean, what does that even say about me?

Well,
maybe you're one of those sensitive boys.

I'm not sensitive!

- Oh, damn it!
- Relax, Nipolas!

Maybe it's a good thing.

Connie can give you
that female point of view.

- Huh. I never thought about that.
- I wish I had a lady hormone monster.

Maybe she could help me get a Valentine's
date with the ghost of Whitney Houston!

- Oh, you're into Whitney?
- Absolutely.

But she's in love
with the ghost of Nina Simone.

And Nina's in love
with the ghost of Burt Reynolds.

♪ Valentine's Day ♪

♪ A game of musical chairs ♪

♪ And there's never a chair for ol' Duke ♪

So, you know,
Howie Long story Martin Short,

they fired me from the school,

and now
I'm "Walgreens Greeter Coach Steve."

Not to brag,
but I've never been closer to su1c1de.

Where do you keep the tiny bow ties?

I need ten for my... plans.

Did you say "tiny bow ties"
or "24-pack of Arizona Iced Tea"?

- I'll find them myself.
- Okay, bye, Judge.

- I love you.
- I love you, too! Who... Who said that?

- Be mine.
- Oh, a beautiful red thing.

Of course I'll be yours,
always and forever.

Happy Valentine's Day
from Walgreens.

Ho-ho! I can't wait to tell my boys
about this meet-cute!

And by "my boys," I mean my eyebrows.

Hey, boys! I met the woman of my dreams!

Hey, where you guys going?

Hey! Oof!

Okay, I know how you like people
to think you're pretty but also nice...

- Okay.
- So I...

...got you a rescue dog.

You got me a used dog?

Is that what you think that I deserve?

I am the wrong kind of devastated!

I think I'm allergic to my Kangol hat.

- It must have colophony in it.
- What's that now?

It's a fabric adhesive.
I'm acutely allergic to it.

- I break out in dermatitis.
- Hey, guys!

Do you losers wanna play your sh*t music
at my lit Valentine's party?

But Andrew can't come
'cause he's completely toxic!

- We'll make it work.
- You're gonna play without me?

- A hundred percent.
- Sorry, Andrew. The show must go on.

Hey, is it too early
for me to suggest k*lling both of them?

- You know, story-wise?
- Feels a little soon.

Sorry, I'm not good with story.
I... I'm more of a joke guy.

- Valentine's Day sucks.
- It sucks!

But, like...
Okay, here's this crazy idea.

Would it be hilarious if you and I,
just, like, as a joke, went on, like,

a non-date Valentine's date?

Like a deeply ironic

anti-Valentine's Day,

non-date date?

Anti all of it!

- Dinner, dancing.
- Yes.

A musical number!

Um, yeah, I don't know
about the musical number, though.

- I don't have a great voice.
- I got you, girl. My voice is so good...

♪ It's basically a duet ♪

How the f*ck did you do that?

♪ I'm so talented ♪

Oy vey. Why do the good ones
always gotta be oy gay?

It's a man's choice to be gay, Connie.
Please respect a man's right tochoose.

All right.

Wait. What's that now?

- Jay, slow down, there, buddy.
- Can't, I'm protein loading!

- Are you, uh, eating cafeteria oysters?
- I got a big night ahead of me.

I'm slurping these down

'cause I heard they make you sh**t ropes
out of your dong!

- Oh, God!
- Well, enjoy your meal, Jay.

- What a phony.
- Yeah, we should kick his ass.

- You know my theory?
- Huh?

- He doesn't even need the chair.
- What?

I bet he uses it to seem smarter,
like Stephen Hawking.

No, Andrew,
I... I think he needs the chair.

Nah, he can walk.
I think he can walk just fine.

Ah, man.
This is a bad road to drive down.

Go on and wish Gina
a happy Valentime's Day, come on.

- Wait, did you say "Valen-time'sDay"?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- It's the time of the Valen.

I don't think Gina wants any part
of my time. She doesn't like me.

- Oh.
- So, what's the point?

The point is being a good little guy

without expecting something in return.

Huh. That's actually
an interesting point of view.

Why can't you just admit
that I'm good for you?

I don't know. Are you?

Oh, please!
Don't you remember up in your bed?

When you tug-a-tug-tugged
until you glug-a-glug-glugged?

Connie, I don't know
if anything really happened.

I certainly didn't, you know,
sh**t any ropes.

Oh, come on!
But you did enjoy yourself, right?

Sure, it was a nice experience,

but I... I may have embellished it
a little bit for your benefit.

- What, you saying you faked it?
- Mm-hmm.

- Get out of here! I would know.
- Oh, would you?

- You would know?
- I would!

- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God...
- What you doing, Nick?

You're looking directly into my pupils.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, very cute.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God, this feels so good.
I'm gonna cum.

- We get it.
- I'm gonna cum! Oh, my God! Oh!

It's a little overdone, don't you think?

- No, don't f*cking touch me. Oh, God.
- Mm, mm, mm.

I'll have what he's having.

A big orgasm.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.

"Two hearts sharing the same b*at,

two bodies sharing the same feet"?

What does that even mean?

Oh, it's for incestuous conjoined twins.

Oh, they really do have a card
for everyone here.

"The only thing
that could ever separate us

is a lengthy surgery
that one of us may not survive,

so let's not risk it"?

Am I crazy, or is that actually sweet?

Nice haul, Jay!

You gonna drink some protein shakes
in the dark?

No, no, no. I've got two dates lined up
for Valentine's Day.

Brad and Suzette.

Wow, you're a real Tony Romeo.

I know. It's exhausting
being the Ultimate f*ck Machine.

I may have bitten off
more than I can f*ck.

Or maybe it's "I may have f*cked off
more than I can chew"?

Hey, hey, hey, Jay. Watch your language
in front of my new lady friend!

- Who's that now?
- Jay, the child my best friend,

please meet, constructed of merchandise,
my girlfriend,

- Reese's Werther's-Spoons.
- I love you.

- Wow. Hey, Steve?
- Ooh, sidebar!

Do you think it's possible
we're both using inanimate objects

to avoid confronting our real issues?

Hey, the only issue
I care about is the border wall.

- Really?
- Keep everyone in!

More friends for me!

Do you think that Missy would like
this five-pound gummy bear?

Or this Mylar balloon that says,

- "For Christ's sake, please!"?
- What happened to playing it cool?

That was a big mistake,
and you knew that.

- So you can lose the hat now?
- Oh, my dear Nicholas, I wish I could,

but my scalp has broken out
in a profoundly violent rash.

- From the colophony.
- God, I can hear it sizzling!

That's 'cause it's sizzling.

Yeah, Missy cannot see this. Ooh.

Not until I'm done bombarding her
with love.

- Oh...
- Holy sh*t!

The South Beach Diet makes cookies
that help with female arousal?

Yes, please!

"To my mommy on Valentime's Day"?

What the f*ck kind
of wittle-baby bullshit is this?

What? I always give my mom
a Valentine's Day card.

Not anymore!
I hate to break it to you, boo-boo,

but you in an Oedipal arrangement.

No,
the Edible Arrangements are over there.

I'm not talking about honeydew-dew
on a stick.

I'm talking
'bout you wanting to f*ck your momma,

k*ll your daddy, and gouge your eyes out!

I don't want that!

It's nice that my parents love me
and that I love them!

Isn't that the way things are suppo...

Jesus Christ!

Oh! Why are my nipples so swollen?

I don't know, maybe it's
'cause you're thinkin' 'bout your mommy?

Oh, go shut...

- Whoa, sick tits, Nick!
- What?

- Your shirt looks like a wedding tent.
- He probably wants me to suck 'em.

The f*ck? What? No, he does not!

I know what we should do.

Flick... Nick's... nips!

- Ow!
- Super soft!

- Yeah, this is fun!
- Make 'em stop! Make 'em stop!

They don't need to stop!

They're having fun at his expense.
That's what boys do.

Boys are assholes!

Guys, stop!
Why are you being so mean to me?

He having a really bad day!

Nick, we were just joking around.

Yeah, you're acting like a chick.

I am not acting like a chick!

He just a boy with breasts!

Why don't you take a minute,
and we're just gonna...

Keep walking backwards
while you're crying.

- What the hell, Connie?
- Why... Why are you mad at me?

I've never cried in front of my friends,
and only when you show up,

all of a sudden,
I'm crying in front of them!

- It's all right to cry!
- No, it's not!

I thought it was normal!
I do it all the time!

Now I'm humiliated, and...

and my boobs hurt!

Oh, sugar, I'm sorry! But you know what?

For the tatas?

You should try a little cold compress
on your nipples

- and some aloe vera...
- No!

Leave me alone!

I was right, a... a boy shouldn't have
a girl hormone monster...

That's not true!

I've had
some really shitty hormone monsters.

But you, Connie,
or whatever your f*cking name is...

- It's Connie.
- You're the worst!

- Fine! You're a little prick!
- What?

Why don't you go
and have a sexy-ass Valentime's Day

with your momma and your daddy
in a f*ckin' three-way.

The extra-small little prick condoms is
up in aisle 14!

- Oh, f*ck you!
- No, I'm not your mom!

- I don't wanna f*ck my mom!
- You wanna f*ck your mom!

And then, you wanna give your daddy a BJ!

Happy Valentine's Day, Missy.

The princess of my heart...

Hold on, I sneeze in threes.

- One more.
- Hey,

you might be allergic
to those drug store flowers.

For your information, Lars,

I am allergic to my own hat.

Oof, Andrew, this is, uh...
this is really... a lot.

- You don't like it?
- Well, it's just... Okay, first of all,

- I can't really eat these chocolates.
- She doesn't do sugar, man.

You think I don't know that, Professor X?

- Andrew!
- Missy,

I'm the one that knows things about you.

All right, just calm down.

No, I'm not gonna,
'cause this is ridiculous.

- Yeah!
- I know you like me, okay?

Of course.

So why don't you know
that you like me?

- Raise the stakes!
- I will go down on you!

Yes, all in!

What? I don't want that!

I didn't mean it literally.

I meant, that's how devoted I am to you.

Don't you see? That's how much I like you!

Aah, Andrew! You're freaking me out!

What does she even want from you?

- What do you want, huh? You want money?
- Perfect!

- No!
- You want cold hard cash?

- Yeah, fling it at her!
- The almighty dollar.

You think I give a sh*t about money?

- Take it!
- You don't care, baby.

- Take it if that's what you want.
- Just... Just stop it!

Missy! No, Missy!

You cannot run from destiny!

Whoa. What happened there, cowboy?

He offered her money,

and love isn't supposed
to be transactional.

- Shut the f*ck up, Caleb!
- Okay.

Bye, Judd. We're leaving
for our dinner date with Nicky!

- It's not a date!
- Then why did I shave my legs?

And why am I sucking
on an Altoid?

- Because your breath smells like p*ssy.
- I heard that!

And not yet!

- Ta-da!
- Ah, Jay-Jay, this is so romantic!

Wait until you taste my flambé dessert.

I made it from stuff I found
around the house.

You're so 40 and such a magician.

Come here,
let's make your magic wand disappear.

I mean, that's not how magic works,
but yeah, yeah, yeah, you kinda get it.

Oh, I can't believe I'm lifting
with my d*ck out.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Can you excuse me for one moment, please?

- Hey!
- Nice activewear, bro.

- You could k*ll someone with that body.
- Yeah?

Hell, yeah.

Your natural goaty muskmixed
with the metal tang of these kettlebells

is making me loony tunes.

Well, I uh, didn't shower today.

That's my Valentine's present to you.

You spoil me, bro.

Come on, buddy, let's get some reps in.
I'll spot you.

Whoopsie daisy!
My hymen grew back!

Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?

Uh, Brad, I need like two seconds, okay?
Can you just sit tight for a second?

- Consider me clenched, bro.
- Oh, boy.

- I'm tight like a wallet.
- What?

I'm like a little Velcro wallet,
I'm so tight.

Oh, like the one I got
on vacation last year?

Yeah. Yeah, at Busch Gardens.

Okay, wait a minute, what am I doing?
Uh, I gotta go.

Barbara! For the love of God,
would you hurry up?!

I gotta be home by eight.

The Knicks are playing,
and I wanna watch 'em lose!

- Okay, just calm down.
- What do you want, huh?

You want money?
You want cold hard cash? Huh?

- Come on, Barbara!
- Stop it, Marty!

I will pay you to put your jacket on.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.

- We'll be back in an hour!
- Forty-five minutes!

Oh, God. Am I becoming my dad?

Check your balls.
Are they gigantic like his?

- Okay, let's not...
- Because his sack,

it looks like a plastic bag
of frozen turkeys

with a penis head drawn on it.

- Yes, I remember.
- I see it at night when I close my eyes.

What can I get for you lovely ladies
this evening?

Yes, I'd like a female-prepared
tempeh steak with truffle sauce.

Oh, yes.

Someone was rooting around
for my truffles this morning.

♪ Oink oink ♪

All right, I'll come back with some water.

So, Nicky, we got you a little something
for Valentine's Day.

No, that's fine.
I... I don't need anything from you guys.

- Oh, come on!
- No, it's really okay.

I've been warming it up for you.
There you go.

Oh, you got me a basketball necklace.

- A basketball locket.
- Come on, honey. Look inside.

Oh, God, okay.

- Huh?
- See?

So we can always be close to your heart.

- Aww.
- Ew!

I can't believe we ended up
in the same restaurant

as my mom and Cantor Dina.

Ugh. I bet Dina rolls her own tampons
and has super dirty feet.

Dude, they're so gross.
She won't wear shoes.

I watched her pick up a scarf
with her bare foot and put it in a drawer.

Ugh! I bet she's, like, so vocal at yoga.

- Yeah, she lets it all out.
- And so loud when she eats your mom out.

- Matthew!
- I'm sorry.

It's upsetting because it's really true.

- I heard them doing it this morning.
- Oh, no! Honey, come here.

- It's so f*cked up you had to hear that.
- Thank you so much, Matthew.

I love hanging out with you.

- Jessi, I feel the same way about you.
- You do?

- Let's sing a song about it.
- Okay.

♪ Some boys will bring you flowers ♪

♪ Some will even serenade ♪

♪ But you and me
Will while away the hours ♪

♪ Just a-dishin' and a-throwin' shade ♪

♪ Forever side-by-side
Through snark and snide ♪

♪ I'm stuck to you like glue ♪

♪ So, honey, who needs ♪

♪ Who needs a boy when I got you? ♪

♪ And I never expect you
To hold me tight ♪

♪ And lock me in your lovin' gaze ♪

♪ But I know I'll have
A shoulder to cry on ♪

♪ That is, if I were inclined
To such pathetic displays ♪

♪ Guys may come and guys may go ♪

♪ And we'll size 'em up in half a glance ♪

♪ Say, Maury
These kids got some chemistry ♪

♪ Nope, she'll never get into his pants ♪

Sorry.

♪ Maybe someday we'll find true love ♪

♪ And drift apart like friends will do ♪

- ♪ But till then ♪
- ♪ Who needs a boy ♪

♪ Some moron that soon will annoy ♪

♪ I ask ya ♪

♪ Who needs a boy ♪

♪ When I got you? ♪

And I thought you didn't want to sing.

Yeah, I didn't.
You booked a voice double for me.

- I did, didn't I?
- You really get me.

Honestly, and don't crucify me for this,

- but I'm kind of impressed by your mom.
- What? Why?

Well, it's hard enough to question
your sexuality in middle school,

- but to do it in your sixties?
- Uh, my mom is 43.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

Either way, everyone deserves
a chance at love, Jessi.

- Hmm. I guess.
- Even your dried-out old mom.

Ta-da!

Jay! I need you to sit on my back
with your bare ass!

Sixty-nine...

- Jay!
- Sixty-nine...

I need you to saw me in half
with your 40-year-old schvantz!

Fressure! Fressure!
Fressure... Fressure...

Jay is feeling too much pressure.

Ah! Help! Jay, help me!

- Ah! Oh, my God!
- I'm on fire!

- Oh sh*t!
- The flambé!

- What do I do?
- Put me out with your cum! Obviously!

Oh, no! I'm out of Jay juice!

What the hell's going on in here?

Ow!

Bro! Ow, bro!

Oh, that's it! I can't do this anymore!

- What are you saying, Jay?
- I've hurt you both,

and even worse, I'm blowin' air wads.
I'm out.

So, you're dumping us on Valentine's Day?

I just think I have to take a break.

- A... A sex break.
- Whoa.

I just need some time alone

to collect my thoughts
and figure out who the f*ck I am.

Bro, you expect me to go cold turkey
on that spicy beef jerky?

I'm sorry.

I've got nothing left to jizz.

Damn, Jay is in it!

Love is hard!

Take it from me,
a ladybug raising two stepchildren

'cause my partner up and d*ed!

That's right!
I got stuff going on, too, y'all.

- Hey, Mom.
- Jessi.

- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, yeah, you too.

I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass
about you and Dina.

Oh, no, honey. Well...

Because you deserve love, Mom.

Oh, Jessi. You really mean that?

Of course. We all do.

Sweetie, thank you.

You're the best thing I've ever done.

Do you want to invite Matthew over
to join us?

Oh, God, no.

Nobody wants to have dinner
with their parents on Valentine's Day.

- So, Nicky, where's your card for Mom?
- I didn't get her one.

- Oh.
- Why not?

Because she's not my Valentine.

And I'm not gonna...

have sex with her and k*ll you
and s*ab my eyes out!

I'm just gonna...

Nicky, while we are thrilled
that you're reading the Greek classics...

it's wonderful...
your tone is unacceptable.

You know what, Elliot?
My tone can suck a d*ck.

- Oh, God, I'm having Judd flashbacks.
- Feels more like Leah to me.

I'm not Leah!

I just meant
because of your budding breasts!

And how overly sensitive you are.

I'm not sensitive!
I just hate your love!

And I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Wow, a lot of feelings.

- Stop being understanding!
- Mm-hmm. I'm here.

Go f*ck yourself, Diane!

- I hate Valentine's Day!
- Hey, I hate Valentine's Day, too.

And you know what? I hate you!

I'm sick of carrying you around!
I want the surgery!

And I want to stop jacking each other off!

Can we still get the chocolate lava cake?

And this whole prix fixe menu is a scam!

Who orders dessert at the beginning
of a meal, like a serial k*ller?

I hate all of you! I spit in your food!

Even the ones I like. It's a disorder.

I can't stop! My God, I can't stop!

And now I love Valentine's Day?

Something on your mind, Connie?

Mm, it's been a hell
of a Valentime'sDay, Duke.

I hear that.

♪ I was his monstress ♪

♪ And he was my whole world ♪

♪ Oh, such a sweet boy ♪

♪ With the tits of a girl ♪

♪ Love isn't easy ♪

♪ It's painful and cruel ♪

♪ It makes you look like an assh*le ♪

♪ When you're trying to be cool ♪

♪ He's going through changes ♪

Are you sure about this, bro?

No.

♪ They're going through changes ♪

Abra-cum-dabra.

♪ Everybody's going through changes ♪

♪ In their life ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Ooh, Duke, that's a sad song.

- Well, love is a sad business, Connie.
- Hmm.

- But it sure is profitable.
- Truer words were never spoken.

And now for the third act, sponsored by...

Oedipal Arrangements.

Your mother wants to sleep with you,
so give her some fruit!

I'm actually excited to go to Lola's.

Ugh, and bring
that poor blonde monster something to eat.

Ooh, look, they have canned bread.

Gross. Okay, I'm gonna get her a card.

Ew! This is just called "Breakfast Sauce."

There's no rule that says you can't have
Breakfast Sauce for night lunch.

- Coach Steve?
- Welcome to Walgreens!

Jessi, my friend who's a child girl,
meet Reese's Werther's-Spoons,

my girlfriend who is things.

- I love you.
- Oh, Coach Steve,

- you deserve love, too.
- Thanks!

Even if it is coming
from a collection of...

- I guess, pharmacy garbage?
- Oh, my sweet Reese's,

I wish people could see you
the way that I see you.

I love you so much, Steve.

But you know what happens at midnight.

- My goldfish brain starts over?
- Exactly.

Oh, my God, Michael Shannon
has his own line of Valentine's cards?

I love you with all the veins in my head.

Oh, it's still breathing.

- That's terrifying.
- I know.

I'm gonna get this for Chloe.
She would love it.

Oh, is Chloe your girlfriend?

That's what I tell my dad.

Holy sh*t, uh, I think we've got one.

- Are you sure?
- I don't know. Keep him on the line!

Uh, I have a Chloe. Her name is Jessi.

- Is she funny?
- Of course.

- Is she cute?
- Who cares?

- Exactly!
- Whoa! We definitely got one!

Do something! Grab his arm, hard!
Kiss him on the mouth!

Bang your teeth into his teeth!

- Uh, what's your Insta handle?
- "Pootin on the Ritz."

Does he like Russia?
Or does he like crackers?

- Requested... Aiden.
- I'll follow you back...?

- Matthew.
- Matthew.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye!
- Byeee!

Whoa,
you guys are making beautiful music.

- Oh, my God, it's never done this before.
- Really?

Well, sometimes I wake up like this,
but then I just tuck it into my headband.

See? No one can tell.

Okay, I was in church choir
in fifth grade...

- Wait, I... I wasn't there.
- So, listen.

Okay.

There was this seventh grade boy,
Austin Joseph.

- Why don't I remember this?
- Because you weren't there yet, Maury!

- Let me tell my story!
- But they're interviewing the both of us.

Ugh. And this boy, Austin,

I just knew I wanted to be, like...

- close to him.
- Who... Who is it?

A year later, we're driving to regionals...

- Oh! Austin Joseph is AJ!
- Right?

I remember that drive. Oh, man.

- Yes, we're in the back seat of the car...
- You were sitting in the middle.

- And our legs kept touching.
- Thigh to thigh.

And my ears were hot.

And then, I told you,
"Ooh, let's buy him something."

I got him a sample bottle
of Curve cologne.

And then he tried to hit you.

So I sprayed that Curve cologne
right in that closet case's eyes,

and I ran away!

Matthew's faster
than you think he's gonna be.

And I've been keeping this one
at home ever since.

- Not anymore.
- Um, we'll see.

- Yeah, we will see.
- I guess.

Shut the f*ck up!

I like him more than the others.

Oh, hey, Nicky.
What happened to dinner with Mom and Dad?

I told them I hated their love
and then ran out of the restaurant.

- Oh, good for you. It's about time.
- Really?

Yeah. Mom and Dad are great,
but they're also the worst.

But they love us so much...

Whatever. You're becoming
your own person, and it's rad.

You're just growing up.
Like your whole, hmm, nipple situation.

I know! What do I do?

They're so sensitive!
And I'm so sensitive!

It's not a bad thing
to be a sensitive guy.

- You should embrace that.
- I should?

Yeah, just be careful
with your sensitive nipples.

- Leah!
- Oh, you tender little bitch.

Just get a cold compress
and some aloe vera.

Wait a minute, aloe vera?

Yeah, aloe vera!

- What?
- What?

- I gotta go. I gotta go find Connie!
- What? Connie? Who's Connie?

- She helped me cum!
- Oh, okay.

I gotta devastate Devin.

I gotta find another brother
to jack me off.

I gotta go apologize to Missy.

No! Oh, my God, did that just go in?

Did you guys see that? It went in!

I have never made a sh*t
on the show before!

Go back and watch!
I mean, finish the special first,

but then go back and watch!

Holy sh*t, it went in.

All right!

Two points!

Boy, Nicky really let us have it,
didn't he?

I think our little baby's growing up.

- And becoming an assh*le.
- A little bit.

- It happens to all of 'em.
- They're the best,

but they're also the worst.

Now, let's go upstairs
and give your breath its signature scent.

I for one am enjoying how much
cunnilingus is happening on this show!

If everyone ate just a little more p*ssy,
the world would be a better place, baby!

Ladybug 2020, y'all! No running mate!

Cool raccoons.

I originally trained them
to k*ll my brother,

but they also cater small events
featuring farm-to-table cuisine.

Sweet.

- She seems nice.
- Yeah, I think she's really good for him.

Hey, you gonna eat
that discarded yogurt top?

No, no, go for it.

Hold on... are we falling in love?

Dinner is served.

You know, I never bought a computer?

Didn't believe in it. No regrets.

♪ Who the hell ♪

♪ Invited Burt Reynolds? ♪

Hey, guys! Oh, my God, Breakfast Sauce?!

Yes, please!

I'mma glug this down right now.

Puncture! Puncture!
Glug, glug, glug...

Lola, I think that's just supposed
to be a topping.

Jessi, let the girl glug.
I'm filming this.

Oh, my God, am I gonna be, like, a star?

Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me.

Phones out.
Yeah, it's that kind of moment.

Devin, my dearest, will you...

...make me the happiest
middle school student in the world?

Oh, my God! A million times yes!

I am so devastated!

- Oh, my God.
- Holy sh*t.

- Is this for real?
- People,

that's how you bring it
for Valentine's Day.

Suck it, Lola.

Always a child bridesmaid
and never a child bride!

Glug, glug, glug!

- This night is the best.
- Mmm.

Ah, I get it, Maury.

Sometimes it's nice
to just have a good friend.

Yeah, but other times it's better
to have a good friend with benefits.

- Hmm?
- Connie, will you be my valentine?

Oh, Maury, that thing is covered
with genital warts!

What? Oh, f*ck me.

I thought those were hearts.

Baby, you gotta wear your glasses!

Nah, they make me look old!

No, Maurice,
they make you look distinguished.

- They do?
- Mm.

Oh, sh*t!

Now I'm gonna have a cold wet tush. Ugh.

Oh...

Most of all, thank you to my lover,

my manager,
and the cool cat in the porkpie hat!

Thank you. This is overwhelming.

And I'd like to say to a special someone
out there...

Drink my piss, Andrew Glouberman.

Ta-da.

Rage, rage, f*cking rage!

I couldn't have put it better myself!

- Oh, h-hey, Gina. H-how's it going?
- Really great.

It seems that somehow Lola
is my valentine this year?

- Ouch.
- And my ex-boyfriend just got engaged.

- Devon?
- Yup.

- That's very strange.
- It really is.

Well, for what it's worth,
happy Valentine's Day, Gina.

You know, for what it's worth,
thanks, Nick.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see about a monster.

Oh, right. Lola is in the kitchen.

Whoa, pull over, stud.

You got a license for that ass?

You know,
normally, I'd take you into the guest bath

and just double your weight,

but I'm kinda taking a break
from sex right now.

Who said anything about sex?

I want you to stand against the wall nude
while I eat Three Musketeers.

- Uh...
- Do it, bitch.

You know, I better not.

But, hey, listen, I hope you find
someone as special as you are.

Eat sh*t, prude!

You know what? That's totally fair.

Where is she? Is she even here?

Oh, Connie! There you are!

What do you want?

Look, I... I've been thinking a lot
about you and me, and...

I'm just not gonna fight it anymore.

- Really?
- Really!

I don't know why I pushed you away,
I guess...

I guess I was just...

scared.

But, Connie, I love how you take care
of me and my tender nipples.

I love how...

I love how you inspire me to jack off!

I love how your hair, it's like hands.

I love everything about you.

Because, Connie, you are the one for me.

You're my Hormone Monstress.

That is, of course, if...
if you'll have me.

- Shh, shh, shut up.
- Connie?

Shut the f*ck up.

- 'Cause you had me at tender nipples.
- Come here.

You would have been so proud
of how I yelled at my mom and dad.

Oh, honey! I was there.
I'll always be there.

- Really?
- Yes.

I'm your m*therf*cking Hormone Monstress.

You know what, Connie?

I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

Happy Valentime'sDay, kid.

Happy Valentime'sDay, Connie.

Well, well, well!

Hey, Lars, why don't you do me a favor
and get lost, you motorized nobody.

- Yeah, you drink piss!
- Andrew, stop talking to him like that!

- It's okay.
- Missy,

can't you see what's going on here?

He's trying to steal you from me.

- I'm not yours. I don't belong to anyone.
- And Missy and I are just friends.

Oh, please, do not believe him.

- He's just manipulating you.
- Yeah, he's a little rat liar!

Look at him sitting there.
I bet he can walk!

Andrew, again,
he's not lying about the chair.

That's right, everyone!
He can walk, I think!

- Please don't do this, Andrew.
- Come on, Tiny Tim...

- Andrew!
- Time to make your f*cking debut!

- Get up, you liar.
- Andrew, stop it.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, this thing's heavy!

You know what? f*ck it.
Ride or die, brother! Grab his wrists!

- No, please stop.
- Andrew, stop it. Just let go of him!

There's a seat belt. Get the seat belt.

No, stop it!

Oh, my goodness! Lars!

Holy moly, are you okay?!

Jeez Louise, the optics on this.

sh*t, his legs didn't even buckle.

Maury, I don't think this guy can walk.
Unless he's faking!

- 'Cause you're a fake!
- Stop!

- You just... You were logical for a second.
- This TV is fake too!

Whoa.

Oh, my God. Last time I was here,
it was fake. I swear.

Andrew! You sweaty turd!

I'm conflicted 'cause you broke my TV!

But, as I have previously mentioned,

I'm all about the drama!

- I think you should go, Andrew.
- Yeah, you weren't even invited.

- You're ruining Valentine's Day, Andrew!
- Just get out!

No, this is crazy! Missy, get your coat,
we're f*ckin' going home.

- You like me.
- Not anymore.

I hate you!

- And I hate this stupid hat.
- Lola, no, no, no!

The hat is stuck to my scalp blisters.

You suck!

Ow!

You're, like, bald!

Oh, God, you look just like your dad!

No! No, it can't be! Bring me a mirror!

Happy Valentine's Day, you bald bitch!

Oh, it's shocking! And it makes sense.

- You!
- Yeah!

- Come here, you m*therf*cker!
- Yeah, get him!

Why did he go after the mailbox?

Oh, Andrew, you farted!

- Oh, and they're all filming!
- No!

Oh, what have I done?!

- Missy!
- Missy!

Jesus!

That is some weird-ass
toxic max-sculinity.

Okay, well, the first time we met...

- Okay, she was with my friend, Jessi.
- Mm-hmm.

And honestly, it didn't even cross my mind
that she was a possibility.

Oh, yeah. Well, sweetheart, trust me,
I wasn't looking at you either.

Oh, look...

However it happened, it happened,

and, you know, it's still new.

Sure, sure. It... It can be hard.

Come on, it's not that hard.
I mean, we have fun.

Yeah, we're f*cking with his parents,
big time!

Yeah, I'm putting the milk
back in the fridge,

but with, like, nothing in it!

- Yeah, we're having a good time.
- Yeah.

But it's hard.

♪ Happy Valentine's Day ♪

♪ Every day, the 14th ♪

♪ I don't think y'all heard me ♪

♪ I just wanna say
Happy Valentine's Day ♪

♪ Every day, the 14th ♪

♪ Can y'all dig that? ♪

♪ Now, when arrows don't penetrate ♪

- ♪ See ♪
- ♪ Cupid cracks the p*stol ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, now
Now lookie here ♪

♪ He sh**t straight for your heart ♪

♪ Now, and he won't miss you ♪

♪ But that's all right
Y'all won't believe in me anyway but ♪

♪ You won't believe in me ♪

♪ But you can't see leprechauns ♪

♪ Or groundhogs ♪

♪ No, thank you, Easter Bunny ♪

♪ There's all this talk
About Santa Claus ♪

♪ But see, love will rule supreme ♪
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