02x03 - Is It a Good Dot?

[bunniefuu]

Iris, trajectory.
Andc make it good news.

Liquid fuel reserves

are insufficient to
correct our course...

Then we'll think of
something else, Iris.

Something scientific.

How can so much light...

Feel so dark?

The sun gave our ancestors life.

The f*ck we gonna
let it bring us death.

I agree.

- You see that?
- Yeah.

It's my TV show, and
I'm barely even in it. Look.

I agree.

I concur.

I think so too.

- Embrace the fear, always.
- I absolutely agree.

Why does
he agree with everything

- that's said to him.
- You hate agreeing.

Exactly! I... You know
what, I don't understand this.

Why doesn't Iris go up to them

and tell them about
all the cool sh*t I do?

Not to be unkind,

but you don't actually
do that much cool sh*t.

What are you talking about?

The whole time I've known
you, you've done, like,

- maybe one piece of cool sh*t.
- Which? Uh, you mean, uh...

- The time you crushed the soda can.
- Crushing the soda can?

Oh, man, that was so bad ass.

You need to get crushing.

I agree.

Oh, my Go... Fifty-seven
more eels dead

- overnight.
- Ugh.

God,
all that unfulfilled potential.

You think about what
they could've been.

Food, Matt. They
could have been food.

Hey, there's
a dot on the horizon.

I mean, we just avoided one sun.

Are we going for
best out of three?

Matt, will you shut
your doom hole?

We're trying to
suppress those mem...

There's a dot. Is that a
good dot or a bad dot?

I bring news. We have a dot.

We know. Is it good?
Is it a good dot?

Most likely a
m*llitary space station.

- It's conga time, folks!
- Ooh-ho!

Oh, my gosh! Intelligent
crew members.

They could help
us fix the eel t*nk.

I mean,
the guys, I work with,

it's like someone
drew eyes on a sock.

- No... No of fence.
- And new friends!

- Did I say that out loud?
- Yeah.

- Herman Judd on deck!
- Here to crush sh*t up.

Not now, Judd. We have
got an actual space station.

This is... This is
hope, right here.

Uh...

Bridge crew, set a course
for that space station.

Never mind the speed limit.

You heard the boss.
Let's make human contact.

- New people, people.
- I agree!

Oh, I actually do this time.

Which one
is it? It's that one?

Right there.

Stormfalcon.

This is Captain Ryan
Clark of Avenue 5.

Our eel tanks are f*cked.
Can you help us? Over.

This is Johanna from the Stormfalcon.

What seems to be the problem?

Okay, tell her that the
nanofilters are on the fritz,

- that the tension stat's blown...
- Ask if they have any shoe deodorizer.

Will you shut the
f*ck up? Both of you.

Johanna,
how lovely to hear an English voice.

Uh, listen, I wonder if we
can do this face to face.

I could come over with
some improvised icebreakers,

maybe a tray of
home-baked protein.

Copy
that. Ready and waiting.

- What's her problem?
- Now, we need a delegation

with the requisite
social skills.

I could go.

I'm a virtuostic
conversationalist. Self-taught.

- Billie, Matt, Spike. Let's go.
- Yeah, keep the number small.

Smart. Okay. Away, team!

Stay frosty.

Space marines, tough
as f*ck and twice as big.

Hello! Welcome
to the Stormfalcon.

- Lovely to see you.
- Hi.

Uh, on behalf of the
people of Avenue 5,

we brought flapjack.

Wow, thanks. We love
anything cooked in a rectangle.

A bit too much, some of us.

Come on through.

So, you've gotta ask
for the chief engineer

- as soon as possible, so that we can get straight...
- Billie! Billie! Yes, let's...

Let's do the human stuff first.

Uh, this is
our main lounge area.

It gets a bit wild when
the jigsaws are out.

Well, this is, uh, surprising
for a, uh, m*llitary facility.

Oh no, actually,
we're a science unit.

m*llitary? I
wouldn't fancy my chances

of passing the
physical.

God, it's
so civilized here.

Avenue 5 is a cultural void.

We have a problem
with toddler combat.

That is a bit of
an exaggeration.

- Toddler combat?
- Yeah,

kids so starved of
stimuli that they've started

kind of a cage fighting
thing in the soft play area.

It doesn't sound great
when you put it like that.

But there's a lot of
adult supervision.

Sometimes crowds
of up to 50, 60 people.

I'm gonna come clean.

We are just such huge
fans of the show about you.

- Huh?
- Oh, tha... the... yes, yes.

"How can so much
light feel so dark?"

- Is that one of the... the...
- Yes.

You... you know, um,
one of my favorite lines

that he does is, "Can
you help fix the eel t*nk?"

Sorry, which one are
you in the... in the show?

Oh, Billie. Uh, Billie
McEvoy. Chief science officer.

Really, is
that what you are?

- Yes.
- Are you sure?

Because on the show, she has
a much more pleasant energy.

Yeah, that's her.

That's... that's
her, and I think...

Yeah, there she is, too.

No, she can't
even spell "science." Or "eels."

Oh, eels. I think we
can help you with that.

Uh, this is Lyle, our
resident physicist,

freethinker, and
all-around nonconformist.

I find traditional methods
of thought too rigid. Sue me!

Captain, would you
care to stay for supper?

- Bring some plus ones.
- Oh, we really can't

because the eels
are actually in cris...

Billie, human.

You know, that would
be absolutely delightful.

Well, I could whip up some

calcium phosphate
noodles in the emulsifier.

You should meet
Frank. Frank is our you.

Sad eyes. Phenomenal omelets.

Captain, let me show you
some long chain fatty acids

we were looking
at the other day.

And obviously you
checked the solenoid valve,

they clog up faster

- than a gas station toilet.
- Yes!

You really do know your stuff. I
mean, God! I miss competence.

Um, I'm a bit of a
maverick myself.

Check
the old neck warmer.

Friend,
that's not a ponytail.

This is a ponytail.

Wow. Spike Martin.

Fifth Canadian on Mars?
Never heard of him.

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Come on,
give me something else,

something better.

Look, I've been riding this
lithium thing for you, bareback.

- I should be on that list!
- Which list?

Time magazine's "50 Most
Tragic Middle Managers"?

Yes to the coffee, no to you.

Look, we've
got one last supply shuttle

- before they're out of range...
- Why are you still here?

I'm busy.

Right, these windows
aren't gonna lick themselves.

What's wrong?

I can smell fear,
and... is it burritos?

- What are you hiding?
- All right.

You want in on a
little Armageddon.

Fine.

Earth is running out of
lithium. Now you know.

So there'll be
no supply shuttle,

there'll be no nothing.

Wait, I saw documentaries
about lithium shortages,

but I thought they were
just documentaries.

Without lithium, you
can say goodbye to banks

and telecoms and computers,
and you can say hello

to wearing untreated
animal skins

and wiping your ass with leaves.

I am not saying hello to
that. Or shaking your hand.

f*ck it, maybe I'll
get on that last shuttle.

Who can blame you? This
must be exhausting for you.

See!

Maybe, you just need
to... rest.

Ass to the left.

All right, I'm platituded out.
And I drugged your coffee.

- Is it?
- Hmm.

Yeah.

And... there he goes.

Leaving on shuttle, immediately.
Standard meal, non-insectoid.

Meet some of our
finest and most available.

This is, uh, this is Frank.

- Hello.
- Frank has a cookery show

on our ship, called...

What's it called, Frank?
Leave It Alone, is it?

- Let It Settle.
- Let It Settle.

Live from the Frank t*nk.

- What...
- what kind of cuisine?

Tell us about the
cuisine, Frank.

Uh, it's high
flavor, low voltage.

I use only hotel
cabin appliances,

and love.

Oh, that's what you
do with your love.

Okay, um, we just
lost another eel.

- Eel Patrick Harris is dead.
- Oh, no. He was great.

- I love your earrings.
- Great earrings.

Frank is the genius.
I'm barely here.

It's just Frank Kelly
and His Invisible Wife.

So you can move on.

Unbelievable. The
attitude on that bitch.

Attitude.

Okay, I'm panicking.

I know I said I wanted
to meet new people,

but I'm really not
very good at this.

Okay, deep breaths.

- Easy, tiger.
- This is Rav.

- Good to meet you.
- Hello to you.

Oh, I like your hands.
Um... Left and right, classic.

Yes. Yes, thank you.

Rav, for f*ck's sake,
get your chap sorted.

Sorry. Sorry.

How would you rate
Judd on the TV show?

Judd. The owner of the
ship. Herman Judd. "I agree."

Oh, the agreement guy.

He doesn't really add very much.

Hmm. Yeah. And you do?
Hmm. If anything, you subtract.

You know, I get
into a bit of a pickle

and then I feel
hyper self-conscious

- about everything that I say.
- Rav, the key to small talk

is pretending that you have
no sexuality and no aggression.

Okay? Ready? Oh, here we go.

- Hi.
- Hi, hi.

Can we say that anymore?

God knows what we
can say these days, right?

What do you want?

Okay, people. If you could
all please take off your shoes

and take one of the pairs
of moccasins provided.

Would it be okay
if I keep mine on?

I've got a bit of a cavus foot.

So I need these
orthotic inserts.

Right, yeah, he
needs a rigid sole

to support his high arches.

- Right, Captain?
- Yes. That's... That's right.

Uh, but if you have a clog
or Japanese water sandals?

Soft-soled shoes
are the best practice.

Paula.

You will be fine in
your socks, Captain.

Everyone else! If
you wouldn't mind.

Good call.

Oh, and that "collision
course for the sun" episode,

it was so dramatic,
I clenched so hard,

- I shattered a rear molar.
- Did you? Really? Well...

You know, I actually
didn't see that episode

because I was too busy watching
our eels suffocate to death.

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah, dumpling,

we really should do
something about the eels.

- Dumpling?
- Honey,

do we need to talk
about this "Ryan" thing?

I know, I know.

Oh, sure. And let's
tell our new friends

that you kept me locked
in a cabin for six months.

Okay, now that you mention
it, yes, there's big tension

- between you and Ryan.
- Thank you.

- No, our eels are f*cking dying!
- All right, all right. Johanna...

You know what I
miss most of all?

- My dogs.
- Dogs?

I love
dogs, you have dogs?

- I have beagles.
- No!

And I have photos.

She
has beagles, let me see.

Ooh. You're
not gonna see that one.

Oh, my
God, look at his little nose.

Oh, my God. I bet it tastes
like cake.

He looks like a right laugh.

I want to own my own
kennel, like, one day.

Just have a butt load of dogs.

So many dogs that
the local kids go,

"Oh, look, there's that
stinky old dog lady! Get her!"

I'd love that.

How did I get dumped
at the Judas end

of The Last Supper, huh?

Uh, hey, Ryan. Hey,
Ryan. Hey, Ryan. Hey!

So, what are you guys
talking about down there?

We're talking about dogs.

Dog, doggos.

You know, uh, when you see
dogs running in their dreams...

they're not, they're drumming.

I read that.

So, anyway,
you add just like a soupcon

of polyvinyl rubbing alcohol

just... just to give
it a nuttier finish.

We should do a show on the ship.

Trade recipes. What
do you think, dumpling?

Have we met before?

Uh, no, I don't think
so. Um, Nathan Basic.

I've... I've got an
aggressively generic face.

I promise I'll bring
him back in one piece.

Oh, sure, be his
guest. Like I was.

Oh, Frank's leaving. Hey, Frank,
mind if I get in on that action?

So, I'm
leaving on the shuttle.

Yeah, I am confirming
it. This is me confirming it.

What's your name? Do
you want to be confirmed?

Because I will
f*cking confirm you.

Thank you. Have
a nice life, Shelly.

Let's go.

- Actually, it's a*t*matic.
- Just hit go.

Okay, it's a little more
complex than that.

Go.

Smooth jazz. Rough coffee.
Fields trip a macerator pump.

Perfect Sunday.
Let me top you up.

This guy, seriously.
He's so wise.

Buddy, is this true love?

Have you finally
found your hair-mate?

I've found my people.
Listen, brace yourself,

I'm leaving Avenue 5.

Sure. Um, can you hand
me the wine? Mm-hmm.

- Thanks.
- Dumpling, how's your reflux?

He tends to bloat
after evening meals.

I do n... Karen, my enzymes
are none of your business.

Sometimes, I just wanna
put him across my knee

and burp him like a
baby.

Oh, Christ.

Um, listen...

you may have noticed a
certain crackle in the air

between me and the captain?

Oh, no, no, I haven't
noticed anything.

No, you have. It's
been overpowering

and it's ruined
the whole evening.

I literally haven't
noticed anything.

I'd like to
respectfully disagree.

Okay.

Paula,
can I just tell you,

I really admire your stoicism.

'Cause you guys
are all stoic as f*ck.

- Like...
- like the, uh, moccasins thing.

The way you all
go along with it.

Oh, we're all very
happy to oblige.

- Uh, Rav, would you like to...
- Um...

Yeah, I mean, it... makes sense

with, uh, you know,
cutting down the...

Wear and tear of carpets.

Uh, no, no, I don't even
think it's really about the...

the... the carpeting, right?

Johanna bangs
these plates together,

everyone takes their shoes
off. It's, like, uh, Pavlovian.

Let's
keep it light, Matt.

This is a chat,
not a show trial.

Are... are you saying this
isn't about the carpets?

That it's, what, some
coercive control thing?

Yeah.

Shall we bring out

the thermophilic
cheese cultures?

Hear that, enzymes?
Red alert. Here it comes.

Yes. Okay.

Come, come, come. Come on.

Now, we're recording
for prime time tonight.

It's not late night,
so please don't curse

or handle the
meat at waist level.

This is a great
cabin, by the way.

So much better than my hovel.

Yeah, we based the
design on a dream that I had

- when I was a...
- Okay, and we're rolling.

On today's edition,

we have a very special
guest, Mr. Nathan Basic.

There's the camera, Nathan. Yep.

And we are going
to be making venison

in... a travel kettle.

What a great recipe.

Does Nathan Basic
look familiar to you?

Who?

It's
saying "classified."

Ooh, I love a mystery.

Have you tried, uh,
putting in the pass code?

No.

So, can you tell me about
the real Captain Ryan?

He's not so much a person

as a puzzle you have to cr*ck.

He is as playful as a seal.

sh*t me a houseboat.

So, Nathan, what is your
basic approach to food?

Ha ha, good one!

Well, I like to use the
whole carcass, Frank.

You know, nose to toes.

I mean, why... why
waste all that good flesh?

Totally agree with that.

If a chicken dies of a
stroke, do you toss it away?

No, you don't. You
stuff it and you roast it.

So why do we treat our
family any differently?

Totally agree. Wait, what?

Are we
talking about people here?

Well, it's a difficult
conversation.

I've been thinking,
and I'd like to try

wearing my outdoor
shoes in the mess hall.

Sure. Where's this
coming from, please?

Uh... Ryan, quick update.

This is a space prison.
Repeat, a space prison.

- What? What is... What? What?
- It's black ops.

These are people
considered too dangerous

to be housed on Earth.

What? Are you sure?

They have a
selection of cheeses.

Mm-hmm.

Listen to me.
We've been over this

a thousand f*cking times, Paula.

It is a low-density pile,
so sit down and shut up.

- Oh...
- Oh, God.

Ryan. Ryan.

- Ryan!
- Sorry, I'm just internalizing

a lot of panic
and fear right now.

Yeah.

But now I've done that,
and I'm back in the room.

Okay. Good. Read.

"Octuple homicide,

"with an ice cream scoop."

"Wore his mother's
wedding dress and her head."

Yep, yep, yep.

"Buried them under the
funfair." "Stole their feet."

Swipe, there's photos. Photos.

- Oh!
- Hmm.

My
Eyes have just shat themselves.

Oh, boy.

Well, I... I think
I might, uh...

wear some of those
moccasins after all.

Good idea. I will cover for you.

So...

- Uh, Karen.
- Guys.

- Excuse me.
- Guys.

Listen, I'm
gonna tell you something now,

and it's very important
that they don't know

what it is that I'm
telling you. All right, so...

so when I wink...

I need you to laugh, understood?

- Mm-hmm.
- I've just been informed

that we are... Get...
get ready to laugh...

Surrounded by...
ready to laugh...

Dozens of convicted psychopaths.

Wait, what? I don't get
it. Was that a joke or...

No, that's... No.

Uh, you're supposed to laugh

so they don't know
what I've just told you.

The guy that
Frank just left with

is the Denver Cannibal.
He ate 19 people.

They found 36 thumbs
in his basement.

Oh, my God, Frank is
petrified of cannibals.

- That's 38.
- What?

- What?
- Nineteen people,

that'd be 38
thumbs. You said 36.

I don't know! I can't do the
f*cking thumb arithmetic.

Well, he might've
used the last two

as, uh, like wine stoppers.

Okay, Sally, that
nice lady over there.

No, don't look. She
bludgeoned her mother to death

- with her father.
- She bludgeoned a parent

- with another parent?
- Yes, yes.

Okay, well, at least they
d*ed in each other's arms.

And who are we to
condemn the butterfly

for the crimes
of the caterpillar?

Uh, Johanna k*lled and
r*ped her nine beagles.

Okay, f*ck that.

We need to leave.

Hold on, because she
told me she groomed them.

Extraction plan.

Shoes on and then very slowly

move towards the door

without aggravating
the psychopaths.

Okay, good.

- Right? Right?
- Yeah.

You should see the commode.

Got more bells and
whistles than a fairground.

Spike, the ship is
full of murderers.

- We're f*cking off.
- You mean Lyle?

- Lyle's not a m*rder*r.
- What... So I chose a good one?

He's a pedophile.

I... I... I
need to bathe in bleach.

sh*t, they've taken our
shoes so we can't get away.

I can't get the image of those
little doggies out of my mind.

And there she is,
standing over them

with lubricant and a brick.

Billie, Billie, shoes,
shoes, come on.

Going
somewhere, Captain?

We were just stoning some plums.

Oh, that sounds...

That's... Uh, yes.

But I need to use the bathroom

and it's... it's better
if I use my own.

- He's very regular.
- That's... You see?

- I can honestly set my watch.
- All right, Karen. Just...

Thank you. So, if we
could have our shoes...

Uh, mine are the old
fashioned running shoes

for sentimental value.

- Sentimental value.
- What?

You're just rude.

You're a very, very rude man.

- Oh, boy.
- Ooh, I don't think we're getting our shoes back.

Mine were quite expensive.

Uh, don't run but... run.

Enjoy the flapjack!

You want to be
careful to avoid fusing

the venison with the element.

Or take cremation. We
already cook people.

Yet what do we
do with that meal?

- We throw it in the bin.
- I mean, I guess I can see

how you might end
up eating a corpse.

Frank,
sorry to interrupt your camera bit.

The guy on your show
is the Denver Cannibal.

- Right...
- He k*lled and ate

a butt ton of people. Blink
twice if you understand.

That was three
times, but no judgement.

Ah, look at that.
Ah. Corpses. Yes.

And so we just pop it in.
Turn the kettle on. Bang!

Venison à la kettle. Butt ton.

Good night,
everybody. Thank you.

Uh, please, Mr. Judd, if
you could walk our guest out.

- What?
- Thank you.

All right. Uh, that door,
the only one you can go out.

- Follow all the J's.
- I'll... I'll figure it out.

But think about it.
You've got a chance to be

on the right side
of history here.

Oh, my God. Okay. We...
We have to delete everything

that has to do with
that. Everything.

- Utterly horrible.
- Oh, my... I feel sick.

They have
ruined people for me.

Yeah, let's not do
people ever, ever again.

Sure. But all in
all, good visit?

Lovely location. Shame
about the gore-mongers.

But, yeah, zero out of
ten, could not recommend.

Unless, guys,

I mean, the eel t*nk
still needs to be fixed

and there is Spike's friend...

If anything, he was
a friend of a friend.

Billie, are you suggesting

that we allow a
pedophile on board ship

- to fix our eel t*nk?
- No!

That, of course, is madness.

- Brackets, is it, though?
- Yes.

Brackets, f*ck yes.

Okay, I'm sorry to always
be the corporate stiff,

but I cannot allow
a sexual predator

to roam free among
vacationing families.

I'm a libertarian,
but there's a line.

Okay, so we don't
let them roam freely.

We engineer like a hamster run

from the airlock,
directly to the eel t*nk.

What if the predator
punctures this hamster run?

You know, he could have a
blade concealed in his mud pipe.

- Then we're leaking pedo.
- Very good point.

A ball!

A ball!

We put the sexual predator
inside of an inflatable ball.

And then put the
ball inside the tube.

Now you're crushing it.

A pipe and a ball!
You're essentially creating

a theme park
attraction for a pervert.

Okay, look, we all
have qualms about this,

but we can't eat qualms.
We need the eels.

Great! Death or
pedo? Sounds like fun.

Obviously, I do
not want this on my record,

but release the pedophile.

- Hamster's on the move.
- Copy that.

All right, Mads, unzip
the nonce-o-sphere.

I mean, I
imagined it would be bigger

and filled with straw

and I would've put him
on a leash, but it's good.

Thank you.

I have done what
a judge would not,

I freed the pedo.

All right, sir. We want
you to commence

mending the eel tanks.

We're gonna stand back here
offering encouraging comments

without in any way
condoning your prior actions.

I'm done with judging.

Vacationing
families, atmosphere of dread,

predator with good teeth.
It's like psycho sexual Jaws.

We'll laugh about this one day,

as we're being led away to
our deaths by lethal injection.

Can I just say, I
find this whole thing

morally revolting.

And yet you brought snacks.

Can I get a glass
of water, please?

The nonce is requesting liquids.

No! We should not be
hydrating a fiddle-man.

Shall I tell him to drink
his own tainted piss?

I guess we can
get him room service,

but he's gonna have to pay.

Oh, my gosh.

We're back online. He did it.

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

No, no, no, no. No!
He... No. He actually isn't.

- Sorry.
- Thank you, sir.

- A qualified thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, back in your ball.

You said I could come live
with you if I fixed the t*nk.

Come on, that
was obviously a lie.

- You promised.
- Promises are for suckers.

- Sucker!
- Okay, then,

how about you suck on this?

Oh, no, no, no. Listen!

- Lyle!
- Lyle, Lyle! Lyle! Lyle!

We can definitely
come to some sort...

Oh, look, your water.

All the way. All the
way. All the way.

That's why you
gotta put him on a leash!

Zip him up. Zip him up.

Get the
pump! Get the pump!

I have it.

- Mads! Inflate the deviant.
- Ow! Ow!

Thank you for your service,
we'll remember you complexly.

- It's okay, dumpling, I'm right here. It's okay.
- I don't wanna go back!

Strangle him!

Where's the
leg? Where's the thumb?

Okay, get him out of here.

- Go on, get out of here.
- Get out of here.

- I'll be good!
- Come on, Mads!

It looks so funny.

Try
to get the hammer in his head!

- It's time to go.
- Ow! You m*therf*cking kicked me.

Come on, let
him have it. Let him have it.

God, stop!

I did this!
This was my idea.

I hope you get eaten!

Thank you
for fixing the t*nk.

Captain, please,
if I can just explain.

Hey,
Johanna! f*ck you!

And f*ck your moccasins!

I'm a good person. I can love.
Don't forget your baking tray.

f*ck you!

It's good that you're
talking this out.

Wow.

Boy, I'd hate to be
a fly on that wall.

The only man capable
of fixing the eel t*nk

is carrying a dangerous disease.

Okay, so we use the pipe
to get him from the airlock.

- And what if he escapes?
- Hang on!

Wait for it.

What if we put him
inside a big plastic ball?

I totally agree.

f*ck, yeah!

- Hologram tech, baby.
- This is a game changer.

Seriously, I don't even
recognize the game.

Decisions!

God, it feels good
to finally get one right.

Ryan, the ship's smart sensor
is showing we have a stowaway.

- A what?
- Frank's cannibal

is still on board.

Oh, take me to hell
and toast my tits.

Now, this is a teachable moment.

You were so focused on the pedo,

you forgot all
about the cannibal.

Tale as old as time.

So, I bring tools
for the eel t*nk.

What I miss?