02x06 - Intoxicating Clarity

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Avenue 5". Aired: January 19, 2020 - present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Set in the future, A confident, controlled and personable cruise ship captain tries to get along with everyone in space.
Post Reply

02x06 - Intoxicating Clarity

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Uh, and you have coffee
with the ship's imam at .

Then the cleaning crew
want to gift you

- with some new pillows.
- RYAN CLARK: Excellent.

My memory foam ones
have developed dementia.

Uh, then the Avenue Brass Band
want to play for you,

- and then gift you a tuba.
- Can we un-gift it?

- Fly safe.
- Fly true, Supreme Commander!

Yes. Heil me. Supreme Commander.
What if I get used to this?

Respectfully, you should.

Striding about
like a Dutch hairdresser

- who k*lled someone once.
- RAV MULCAIR: Um, at noon,

could you officially
open the ship's Cuddle Club?

- Cuddle Club?
- Mm, yeah, a group of passengers

have put it together
as some sort of group therapy.

- RYAN: Sit down.
- It's totally non-sexual.

And totally non-normal.

For goodness' sake.

What's wrong with a good
old-fashioned frosty handshake?

Look at Iris suffocating him
like a horny praying mantis.

BILLIE MCEVOY: Yeah,
Ryan could do a sh*t right now

and all these passengers
would line up

- to take a selfie with it.
- And at one o'clock,

you're meeting
with Theater Action.

- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- Can we un-action that?

Actually,
un-theater it, preferably.

- f*ck you, Supreme Commander.
- Fly true, Supreme Commander.

How did we end up with him
in charge twice?

Tell me about it.

BILLIE: He is not worthy
of your ship.

I don't know why, but I find you
very interesting right now.

- Hmm.
- You speak from the heart.

(RAV CLEARS THROAT)

I hate to be the bearer
of bad news.

And I hate hearing it.

Feels like there's a solution
in there somewhere.

- PASSENGER: Commander.
- Well, rumors are... Hi.

(WHISPERS) Rumors are spreading
that the water is contaminated.

You see, this is why people
should never, ever talk.

RAV: Mm, agreed,
but conversation is inevitable.

Which is why I'd like
to install some operatives.

What do you mean, operatives?
You mean secret police?

I hesitate to use
the term "secret police."

Well,
you didn't hesitate very long.

- Matt is...
- Highly problematic.

No, no.
We are not having secret police.

That is my final decision.

Decree. But fine,
I won't appoint any.

You say that, Iris,
but will you?

MATT SPENCER: Soon we'll be
at each other's throats.

- Do you want that?
- FOLLOWERS: No!

- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- When brother fights brother

for the moisture that he's wrung
from a hand towel,

will Lyin' Ryan be there
to save you?

- FOLLOWERS: No!
- MATT: No, he won't,

but we'll be there,
because we've got a*mo.

(FOLLOWERS MUTTER)

- We've got camo.
- FOLLOWERS: Yes!

- We are ready to go...
- FOLLOWERS: Blammo!

- Blammo!
- (FOLLOWERS YELLING)

Oh, what is this
intoxicating clarity?

- (YELLING) Yeah!
- (FOLLOWERS CHEER)

♪ ("AVENUE "
THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Seeing some sweet cuddles
out there, guys.

Really nice.

Some nice swaying cuddles.
Comforting.

Tap your cuddler's head

if you want your cuddle
to end early.

Otherwise, just surrender

like a calf
in the butcher's embrace.

(BELL RINGS)

All right, there's time to chug
a few more hugs

before our Supreme Commander
gets here

and declares
our spoon room open.

KAREN KELLY:
Will he be cuddling?

- DOUG: If he consents.
- Oh, please.

If he's here,
he's asking for it.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

All good out there?

I mean,
considering how bad it is?

RAV: Let's just say the mood
on the ship is uh,

pre-post-apocalyptic.
What... what is that dot?

Oh, God, you saw it, too, huh?

(SIGHS) I get these floaters.

- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- (COMPUTER BEEPS)

Oh, hold the phone,
that's not macular degeneration.

That's a meteor.

A compass,
but instead of telling you

where you are,
it tells you when you are.

- So... so, like a clock?
- No, way better.

- Way better than a clock.
- Yeah.

That is just genius.

So... so, were you thinking
about talking to Lucas yet?

You know, get the rescue
back on track?

Artificially made twins
to serve unwanted jail time.

Smart. You know,

it's just if you did
want some help with Lucas,

then I could set a time and date
for the meeting,

or even if you wanted,
I could help lead the meeting.

Oh, that's so sweet,
but f*ck no.

Only top CEOs can negotiate
government policy.

That's just how democracy works.

And I'm a top CEO, so...
(SLURPS) ...suck it, Ryan.

BILLIE: Yeah, suck it, Ryan.

RYAN: I believe
we booked this room.

- Hey, Ryan.
- We've commandeered it.

Commandeered. Exactly.

You're in breach of protocol.
Stand.

- BILLIE: Oh.
- Sit.

Stand and leave,
or face the consequences.

I'm gonna leave 'cause I was
planning on leaving anyway.

But I'm not gonna stand.

Excited to see this process.

- (GRUNTS)
- (CHAIR THUDS)

- (LAUGHS, SQUEALS)
- HERMAN JUDD: Oh, thank f*ck.

Rav saves the day.

Rav is speaking
in the third person

because she is modest,

and because
she has also discovered a meteor

full of lithium.

I'm gonna stand now, only
because I want to see what's on there.

Billie, understand that for me,
will you?

Eighty-five percent lithium ore?

But this is like
pure heroin lithium.

- Heroin's good, right?
- Earth is gagging for lithium.

We can get them
to reprioritize a rescue.

So, we just need
to start negotiating with Lucas.

No, that's incorrect.
Only CEOs can negotiate

with TOTOPOTUS. You, however,

are authorized to, um...
(SLURPS)

- ...suck it.
- BILLIE: Yeah!

CEOs only, Captain Cockrag.

Wow.

Right, I... Yes, I'm gonna need
to clear the room,

so that I can berate Billie
for gross insubordination.

- Good. A larynx is a privilege.
- JUDD: I'm gonna leave

because I choose
to clear the room.

Not because you literally
just said the words.

(DOOR SLIDING OPEN)

Yeah, well, what do you want?

What do you mean,
what do I want?

What do you want?

Billie, we agreed,
you insult me, I clear the room.

- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- What do you mean you forgot?

So where did "Captain Cockrag"
come from? Was that heartfelt?

Oh, no... no. I just...

You know, I'm not...
I'm not very good at this...

- Talking?
- Improvisation.

You have to be with Judd
when he talks to Lucas.

Well, yes, yes,
and we'd be getting into that

if you hadn't just sent him
out the room.

Well, I did that

because you called me
Captain Cockrag.

Well, was I wrong?

I don't know. I don't know
what a cock rag is.

Just be there
when he talks to Lucas.

BILLIE: Yes, I will be.
I have his ear.

RYAN: f*ck his ear.

It's his mouth
you need to control.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

If Ryan is king,
I'm Oliver Cromwell, right?

(FOLLOWERS CHEER)

If he's Gladstone, I'm Disraeli.

(SCATTERED CHEER)

If he's A.S. Byatt,
I'm Margaret Drabble!

Compare things we know!

Eh, never been a big sports fan.

MATT: Well,
they're not sports stars.

They're sister novelists
who feuded like rappers.

I'm still without a frame
of reference.

- Ryan's an assh*le, right?
- (FOLLOWERS CHEER)

KAREN: Remember,
you may pat and caress

all non-erogenous zones.

At this point,
my entire body is non-erogenous.

- I can confirm that.
- (BELL RINGING)

Okay, cuddlers,
find a new cuddlee.

Uh, oh, man,
this is Cuddle Club.

How many more times?
No crossbows.

Doug, we booked this room
for combat training.

(DOUG SCOFFS)

Hard cheese, Combat Mary,
we've got an extended booking.

Oh, I'll extend your face
with my extended arm.

- No, we...
- Ah.

Captain in the hug zone.

(PASSENGERS WHISPERING)

ALL: Fly true,
Supreme Commander.

At ease, everyone.

Uh, don't listen to him.
More tense, everyone.

Someone needs
to go to Manners Club.

Yeah, I... I went
to Manners Club.

That's where I learned,
"Please and f*ck you."

(QUIET GASPS)

Well, this... this is wonderful,
seeing you all clumped together

- like wet sugar.
- (IRIS SCOFFS)

It reminds us that... that
togetherness is way forwardness.

Wise words, Supreme Dipshit.

Matt, will you stop it?
This... this is serious.

This is Cuddle Club.

In fact, I think Matt
could do with a cuddle,

- don't you think? He should be the first.
- (PASSENGERS CHUCKLE)

I hereby declare this club open.

(APPLAUSE)

RYAN: (QUIETLY) If Matt's
gonna keep cutting me off

at the ankles, someone needs
to do something about him.

DOUG: Okay, everyone.

Continue
your therapeutic manhandling.

MATT: Hi. I don't think
we've previously cuddled.

Oh, double cuddle. Okay.
Triple cuddle. (LAUGHS) Wow.

- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (MATT WHEEZES)

♪ (SERENE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Looking at you,
I can smell your pain.

But can you smell my heart?

♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
♪ - I'm sorry, I'm not feeling this at all.

- (BELL RINGING)
- Why? What's wrong?

Well, it's just not erotic,
is it?

I mean,
can we get him shirtless?

Could somebody unwrap him?
Anybody, just unwrap him.

Look, I'm not a piece of meat.

- No, honestly, you are.
- For f*ck's sake.

And can we get rid
of this f*cking box?

Keep the box.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- My king.
- My queen.

- (ELENA CHUCKLES)
- Plus one.

Yes, yes, hadn't forgotten
about you, Charles.

What are you, actually?

Uh, partner's partner.
So that's... "quartner"?

Anyway, we're all people.

Quite a lot of people,
aren't we,

when you think about it.
I... I just wonder if this

whole situation could do
with some clarifying.

Captain Ryan.

Sorry to interrupt your ménage,
but I thought you should know

Matt has been hurt
at Cuddle Club.

How do you get hurt

in a club exclusively devoted
to cuddling?

You told people
to deal with him,

so he got violently compressed.

Well, just find the culprits
and have a word with them.

Uh, no, that sounds
like code for v*olence too.

All right, well, I better go
and... (INHALES)

...pay Matt a special visit.

Hey, I've done it again.
I've got Mafia Tourette's.

To be continued.

Imagine if we got, like,
five million grams of lithium

and we saved Earth.

And they made us gods,
obviously.

So that people would say,
"Judd help us all,"

or, "For Judd's sake,
tidy up your room, Christopher.

I'm not gonna ask you again.

Daddy's gonna b*at the Judd
out of you."

What are you doing down here,
Mr. Judd?

Oh, I um, I forgot the password

for my panic room,

so I figured this might make
a good backup.

Have you set a time
to speak to Lucas yet?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, : tonight.
And what if they built, like,

a f*ck-off gold statue of me?

Yeah, that'd be cool.
So, nine o'clock tonight?

And I lived in the statue

and my bedroom was in the eye
of the gold statue.

Right, with a spiral staircase
going all the way up the spine.

Why are you
getting into this, Billie?

So um, are you sure that Lucas

is actually gonna negotiate
with you tonight?

JUDD: Oh, absolutely.

Great, because I was really
just wondering if I could sit in

- and I could learn from your...
- (PLAYS HARMONICA)

- ...mastery.
- You can be my penumbra.

'Cause that's
what penumbra means.

I'd love that.

(EXHALES)

IRIS KIMURA:
Matt pushed your reputation

face down in a cow pat
in Cuddle Club.

Oh, he was just
letting off steam.

Well, steam burns.

Steam is an enemy
to flesh and creases.

Do we have to have this on
everywhere?

It's like watching
your own colonoscopy.

People are having cosplay
viewing parties.

(GASPS) Oh, you should host one.
You're already in the costume.

I'd rather host
my own immolation.

You'd look friendly.

Uncle Ryan Clark,
never mind the gulags.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
PLAYING OVER TV) ♪

- Navigation is down.
- We may die out here.

That's fine. I never lived
before I met you.

Well, they can't write women.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

I'm sorry, Captain Ryan.

We need you to be a hero
one more time.

That is some shaky dialogue.

Dialogue fell out
of the back of a dog.

Activate, goddammit!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SCOFFS)
Even her thumb is stupid.

Do you want me
to get rid of her?

'Cause I can do that,
apparently.

(PASSENGERS MURMURING)

Uh, it was a joke.
No, no, it was a joke.

PHILIP: Zara?

Zara, you here?

Zara? (SIGHS) What is she...?

- Oh, hi. Uh-huh.
- PHILIP: Oh. Hey.

Why have you called me here
after wrap?

Did you want to run lines, or...

Well, actually,

I'd quite like to block
the spacewalk,

because it's a very technically
demanding scene for me.

Look, it's...
It's just another kiss,

- all right?
- It's not just a kiss.

Not with me.

- Oh, God, I completely forgot.
- Mm?

You're reenacting
your own sister's tragic death

- by airlock.
- Yeah.

Good for you. I mean, awful.
Also, absolute award bait.

Yeah. I was thinking
about making it quite moving.

Because in reality...
I mean, all she did really

was just step back like...

(SCREAMS) f*ck!

- (BODY THUDS)
- Oh, sh*t.

Zara? You okay?

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Djopi Downer for you.
TV favorite Zara

is now too dead
to play her dead sister.

Let's all miss her.

♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I'M NOT SHOUTING:
It's Zara's universe,

and we're all just living in it.
Except her.


VIOLENT HAT MAKER:
I named my dog Zara,

so now I have to k*ll it.

MOUSY TONGUE: I want her hair.

Now she's dead
she doesn't need it. LOL.


CARWONTSTART: I hope she prepaid
for her funeral. My mom didn't.


VAMPIREOMBUDSMAN: I once saw her
in a restaurant eating a fish.


INCELBYDATE: Got no words.

Shouldn't have sent
this message.


COMMENTER : She's explaining
science to the angels now.


Oh, God. Can we k*ll that?

Sick of looking at it.

PASSENGER:
Turn it off, turn it off!

COMMENTER : She was k*lled
by a fatal floor.


- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
- Sweet relief. Am I right?

DEVON: Feel better, Matt.

Oh, no.
He's come to finish the job!

(MUFFLED) Oh, Matt,
I am beyond sorry.

Well, I'm not beyond sorry.
I'm still in sorry. But...

the far end of it, I'm...

- You ordered me squeezed.
- No, didn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. Right.

- What?
- Look at me.

I'm a dissident.
Wounded in a... a turf w*r.

A blood feud.
I'm like that haughty bitch

who tried to f*ck up A.S. Byatt.

- You mean Margaret Drabble?
- You're a Drabbler?

- (CHUCKLES)
- You love Madge-Drabs?

Super fan. Dark Flood Rises...
it's one of my favorite books.

I lost my virginity
to the audiobook.

- I love knowing that.
- I can't believe that

all this time
we had this special bond

and we didn't even
know about it.

I mean, it's like
we're two princesses

and neither one of us can sleep
on a hard pea.

How much have they got you on?

Whoa, that is quite a lot. Yeah.
(INHALES)

Well, look, Matt, it's...

Why don't we just put
all this shitty hurt behind us?

I would like that, sister.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, mandatory smiles,
everyone. Smile right now.

- Smile. Hold these.
- RYAN: Matt,

handshake.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

I promise you,
no... no electric shocks,

no neural toxins.

- (PASSENGERS CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)
- (IRIS LAUGHS LOUDLY)

MATT: Well...

- (BOLT SLASHING)
- (GASPS)

(PASSENGERS GASP)

- MATT: Oh.
- RYAN: Oh.

- Ah... ah...
- Oh, m*therf*cker.

Somebody put these in water.

- They're plastic.
- MATT: (GROANS) f*ck.

- (GROANS)
- PASSENGER: It was Ryan!

No, no, no, that wasn't me.
That was... that...

- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (GROANS)

The crossbow k*ller's
right there!

(PASSENGERS SCREAM) -
SPIKE MARTIN: That's not a k*ller.

Matt's not dead.

Somebody do something.
We should take him to a hosp...

Oh, no, no, we're already there.

SPIKE: It's a crossbow
on a spaceship.

It always happens.
Here, I... I've got you.

- Spike, this hurts...
- Here we go...

...as much as
it looks like it hurts!

(PASSENGERS GASPING)

Oh, I remember,
you don't pull it.

You push it through
to the other side.

Okay. (GROANS) -
SPIKE: It's gonna sting a little.

(SCREAMS)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

RYAN: Thought you were in charge
of security.

How could you allow
a drive-by crossbowing?

You said you wanted
to "organize something" for him.

Yes, organize a... a gathering.

A celebration with a big
"sorry we crossed you" card.

Uh, not super urgent, but, um...

See, this is how it goes
with autocracies.

It starts out,
and it's all caviar

and wiping your ass
on a swan's neck,

and then pretty soon,
you're perforating dissidents.

- Yes, what is it?
- RAV: We're not gonna cancel

the TV Avenue viewing party,
are we?

Uh... (EXHALES) No, I'll go
and I'll cheer the passengers up

with the lithium news,
and they can wash it down

with a complimentary glass
of eel juice.

Yes, it'll be fun. Lithi-fun.

Okay, well, uh,
you won't regret this.

You will. But it's done.
I've issued a ship-wide dictum.

No passengers to dress up
as you out of respect.

No! You see, Iris,
these are the actions

of a dictator.

People can come dressed as me
if they like.

I... I want you to make
that very clear.

I might even go casual,

certainly make me
more approachable.

Although if anyone
approaches me, stop them.

♪ (MUSIC PINGS) ♪

IRIS: (OVER SPEAKERS)
If you want a good time tonight

at the fun viewing party,
by all means,


dress as Commander Ryan.

That's all passengers
as Commander Ryan.

♪ (STATELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

KAREN: Honey,
it's out of my control.

It's Captain's orders.

And God only knows
what you're capable of.

He. What... (CLEARS THROAT)
What he's capable of.

(SIGHS) Is it hot in here?
I feel hot.

- I just don't feel comfortable.
- KAREN: Well, good. Use that.

It'll help you feel
more British.

You know? Just imagine
from the age of three

that you only saw your parents
at Christmas,

and that you have teeth
like Stonehenge.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
'Ello, darlin'!

Show us your Beefeater.

Oh, okay, no. Just, no.

If you can't talk British,
just stay silent.

Like the people they subjugated.
Let's just...

fix those epaulettes.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Can I apologize again
for both trying to pull out

and then push further back in
the crossbow bolt?

I was in over my head.

MADS:
Everyone's favorite target!

Bulls eye dude! How do you feel?

MATT: Well,
they ran out of painkillers,

so I'm in horrendous pain.

Right, right. But remember,
pain is all...

Think beyond the pain.
People love you now.

Like, maybe that crossbow
was fired

by a kind of Nordic god
of public relations.

- What?
- It was me. I sh*t you.

You sh*t him,
you g*dd*mn Euromaniac?

- What? To help him.
- SPIKE: Wha...

MADS: He's charismatic now.
He's got a big following.

- You sh*t me for the numbers?
- What's wrong with pamphlets?

Also, the Cuddle Club?
I gave the signal to initiate

the terminal cuddle.

Oh, you John Wilkes Booth
m*therf*cker.

People hated your guts

until I sh*t a crossbow
into them.

You should thank me.
You should kiss my assh*le.

- I'm a genius, actually.
- You're crazy.

- (ZIPPER FASTENING)
- Oh!

MATT: Oh boy.

Oh. Uh, you know,
I can't take grapes in here,

but a crossbow is fine.

I may be crazy,
but you are a disappointment.

- First Judd, now you.
- (GRUNTS)

Everyone I follow becomes weak.

Listen, I was going
to sh**t you again,

but I'm not going to.
You don't deserve my bolts.

Phony!

Okay.

Couple of red flags there,
behavior-wise.

- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- WAITRESS: Here you go, sir.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

PASSENGER :
He's here! Ryan's here!

ALL: Fly true,
Supreme Commander!

Oh, Christ.

It's a g*ng bang
of doppelgängers.

IRIS: No, look,
there's a TV Judd and Doug.

Uh, sorry, we didn't mean
to disrespect you, sir.

We liked you the first time
you were a Captain.

Yeah, that's why we voted
for you the second time.

Oh, no, no, you voted
for Nathan.

Uh, only in the ballot sense.

In... in my heart,
I voted for you.

Also, in my heart,
I am dressed as you.

And I thought it was Halloween.

I thought it was like
a Halloween situation,

so I came as Iris,
'cause she's a monster.

Please don't sh**t me
like you did Matt.

I didn't sh**t Matt.
No, I like Matt.

I don't like Matt.
I respect...

Well, I wouldn't hurt him.
I would not hurt Matt.

No, he got someone else
to do it for him.

- (PASSENGERS GASP)
- RYAN: No, I did not!

Look, I'm not gonna
m*rder anyone.

I couldn't give two shits
for m*rder.

- (PASSENGERS GASPING)
- He doesn't care

that someone tried
to m*rder Matt.

LUCY: And Zara!

PASSENGER :
Watch your backs, heathens.

Crucifix coming through.

Oh, Christ.

- Actually, literally.
- I am Ryan, King of the Eels.

Forgive me for I know not
what the f*ck I do.

MADS: Oh, hello. I'm Matt

and I'd rather be in pain
than in power.

Look, everyone,
can we just smile and laugh?

This is a party.

We're gonna have fun,
even if it kills us.

(PASSENGERS MUTTERING)

- PASSENGER : We're having fun!
- PASSENGER : This is so much fun.

Can't believe
everyone's scared of me.

Congratulations.
Feels good, right?

Did Judd pay you to do this?

No, I thought I'd wear an outfit
that you'd like to get me out of

as quickly as possible.

- Ugh.
- And I have no imagination,

so I copied her.
Don't sh**t me.

(CHUCKLES) Ryan. Ryan.

(WHISPERING)
Thank you, Captain Buzzkill.

I'm portraying Ryan
in his truest form.

Carrying all of our sins

while dressed
like a weekend gigolo.

Well, like the Bible, you're
upsetting a lot of people,

so just dial it down tonally.

Something about that uniform
turns him into a big cat.

- IRIS: I don't see it.
- KAREN: Really?

I mean, look at those cuffs. Mm.

Wow, a little more of this uh,
lady gravy,

and we might just break
our eight-year drought.

I want to show her
I don't need her.

You know,
I can be Judd and Iris.

Yeah. I spent ages
on my Sarah costume

and then she d*ed,

and so I don't know
if it's touching or offensive.

No, corpse play is hot.

And it's better
than staying dressed

as a lonely mechanic, right?

Okay, observe the master.

NARRATOR:
Previously on Avenue ...

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

No, this can't be right.

When I drink, the demons
don't sound quite so loud.

- (SOBBING) I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Well, sorry just won't cut it!

Whatever God you believe in,
you better hope

- they're in a good mood.
- (ENGINE FIRES)

SPIKE: Billie,
I found another dot.

- (PANTING)
- What?

A big m*ssile
heading right for us.

I tho... I thought
it was a floater.

- It's not a floater.
- What?

Nice. These m*therf*ckers.

It's like a game of poker
with these guys.

- What the f*ck?
- JUDD: All right.

- Lucas, my man.
- BILLIE: Wait!

Little birdie tells me
you launched a m*ssile at us.

Yeah,
it's a big f*ck off m*ssile

that's traveling at
miles per hour.

Watch this. Well,

you may want to turn
that bad boy around,

here's the moment,
because we just found

an asteroid
full of a juicy little element

we like to call lithium.

LUCAS SATO: Horseshit.
Where is it?


Here comes the clincher.
How 'bout I tell you

after you turn
that m*ssile around, Lucas?

Well, I can't.
There's just no override.

Yeah, I mean, we would have
installed a device,

but uh, we're out of lithium.

And now we go along
with the ruse.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, sure.

So the m*ssile
"can't be stopped,"

and we're "all gonna die."

Yeah. Without the stupid...

Were you making
air quotation marks?

- Sounded like you were.
- Really?

LUCAS: Yeah.

Maybe don't...
Don't watch this part.

Hey, Lucas, uh, is this for...

Are you being
for real right now?

Yeah. Yeah, the m*ssile
is uh, it's unstoppable,

and it will detonate on impact

and annihilate every single
molecule of the ship.


- (SIGHS)
- Oh.

So, how about
you just give me the location

- of the asteroid?
- How about this?

I hope that that asteroid
smashes into the planet

and annihilates
every single life form

except for you,
and then you live


an additional years
and die of an assh*le infection!

- No, no, no. (LAUGHS)
- That's what I hope!

Lucas, Lucas, why don't we just
pretend he doesn't exist.

One of my
favorite hobbies, actually.

Um, what are the coordinates

of this miss...
What the f*ck did you just do?

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV) ♪

TV RYAN: I had
the nightmare again, Mr. Judd.


- Same one as always.
- KAREN: Ryan...

want to make a break for it?

TV RYAN: I was being m*rder*d
in space.


My room, now.
Frank won't be back for hours.

Only this time,

it wasn't a nightmare.

It was a dream.

I want you to lock the door
and swear at me in British.

Swear at me
like I owe you money.

- (ALARM BLARING)
- Anomaly detected, Captain.

- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- The light. It's getting bigger.

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- Captain, we have incoming.

- What kind of incoming?
- Captain, it's a m*ssile.

I love y...

(expl*si*n BOOMS)

(ALL GASP)

PASSENGER :
What is this madness?

- (CONFUSED MUTTERING)
- PASSENGER : Oh, no!

What?

What just happened?

I believe the old industry term
is a "reverse Soprano."

- They're all definitely dead.
- Wow. Well, that's a wrap.

Any chance this is, you know,
just a dream sequence?

NARRATOR:
Dedicated to those who d*ed

on the real Avenue

in the tragic
t*rror1st m*ssile strike.


(PASSENGERS GASP) - IRIS:
Guess I don't have final cut after all.

(PASSENGERS MUTTERING)

Oh, my God. We're all dead!

All right, everybody, calm down,
calm down.

There is no m*ssile.
This... this is TV writers

desperate to get an award.

Okay, there is, in fact,
a real m*ssile. (PANTS)

- And that's code for...
- BILLIE: No, no, no code.

That is some kind of cover up
for the fact

that there is a real m*ssile
coming for this real ship.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

- f*ck. I gotta go.
- MADS: Goodbye, Fake Jesus.

Don't come back in three days.

No. No, guys.
Those are just visual effects.

I know that
because I work in VFX.

Um, I may have f*cked the pooch.

So, I just want to say
I'm sorry.

Tomorrow will be better.

Although it does include
a m*ssile.

No. No, no, no. Before we die,
I got one thing to tell you.

I've been fake respecting you.
There are dead eel skins

at the bottom of that t*nk
that I have more respect for

than you, you narcissistic
little bulb of nothing.

She was great
in the negotiations, by the way.

- Really led it.
- I...

What's the plan?

The plan is we have
to control the panic.

Iris, in spite of
what I said to you,

I assume
there is a secret police force.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Round up the usual panickers.

Operation Harvest is go.

(PASSENGERS CLAMORING)

And don't sh**t anybody
with a crossbow.

Unless...

No, do what you must.

Come on! Go!

(PASSENGERS CLAMOR)

- PASSENGER : I haven't done anything wrong!
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Post Reply