(GRUNTS)
Oh, come on, Andyman.
You got to earn the burn, baby.
Whoo!
(GROANS PAINFULLY)
Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, what are you doing?
Oh. Uh, just pumping some iron.
I want to look good for Alicia
when she makes her deliveries.
The other day she said
if I worked out, I'd look hotter.
You know what would make you look hotter?
Some pink leg warmers to go with those pink dumbbells.
I stole them from Dana.
Nine years ago she borrowed my favorite pie tin
and never returned it.
Vengeance, thy name is dumbbell.
Come on. Son of a g*n, where's Alicia?
She's usually here by now.
You know she's got a boyfriend, right?
Yes, I'm aware of that.
But when an A-plus chick compliments you, Jim,
it gives you the confidence to hit on the C-minuses.
Hell, with these g*ns,
I may even go for a solid C.
Every doctor you've been to has begged you to exercise,
and you want a second opinion.
But some cute blonde in brown pants says
one little thing...
Oh, please. Come on.
You suck in your gut when she comes by.
You know what that's called? Breathing.
One uses their entire
diaphragm for optimal health.
Are you saying that a hot chick
has no effect on you at all?
I have a hot chick at home.
Her name is my wife.
That's all I need.
And like they say, you know what?
Why go out for hamburger
when you get the cow for free?
(TRUCK RUMBLING OUTSIDE)
Oh, God! She's here.
Andy, what are you doing? (GRUNTING)
Hey, guys. What's up?
BOTH: Hey, Alicia.
I didn't know you were coming today.
All right. Working out and looking good.
Well... (PANTING)
It's not about looks.
It's about being healthy.
Good attitude.
I love the smiley face you put over the I in Jim.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you know, if you can't put
a smile on someone's face every day,
what's the point of getting out of bed?
If only everyone thought that way.
There'd be no wars, I'll tell you that.
That is so true. Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Oh, anyway, I got another package outside, but it's pretty big.
Oh... I'll get it! Me!
What is it, like , pounds?
Because, uh, that's how much I'm curling these days.
All right!
You, you keep looking good.
Me and the twins,
we'll be right back.
Hey! Someone bought a new shirt.
See, I told you that's your color.
You did? You know, I don't recall that.
Oh, it so brings out your eyes.
Well, that's good, because you know what?
I keep my eyes open most of the day,
then at night I, uh...
I close them.
You know what else would look awesome on you?
What's that? A mustache.
Come on! Get out of here.
Seriously. Mustaches are back.
I know, because I have a friend who goes
to the Rhode Island School of Design.
A mustache?
I don't know.
Oh, come on. With those cheekbones?
Well, I have been looking for a way to accent them.
I...
(GRUNTING)
Well, ah!
It's time to get back to work.
I guess I'd better be heading to my desk.
All right, bye, guys.
All right, Alicia, bye-bye.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Andy, Andy, you can drop the act. She's gone.
Yeah. I think I pulled something.
JIM: Oh, baby.
Anybody need a little top-off of juice?
Daddy, when is your face going to come back?
Yeah. You look weird.
Well, look, it's going to be a little hard to get used to, that's for sure.
But a lot of great men had mustaches.
Albert Einstein, Mike Ditka...
Yosemite Sam.
KIDS: Oh...
I like your mustache, Daddy.
Well, thank you, my new favorite.
Oh, by the way, I borrowed your doll's comb. Is that all right?
Keep it.
Daddy, you look like Aunt Kunka from the old country.
That's who it is! Thank you!
That has been driving me crazy!
All right, guys, time to get ready for school.
Aunt Kunka. Please.
She had a full beard.
Honey, would you sit down?
I need to talk to you about something I think is important.
Sure, sure.
(SIGHS) Anything, my young love.
Yes?
Lose the 'stache.
What?
Well, honey, I know this is a new look you wanted to try,
and I really thought I'd be okay with it,
but now that it's officially a mustache...
What are you talking about?
This looks good on me.
Yeah. Not so much.
Well, for your information, there are a lot of people
that think this is really cool.
Who?
You know...
People.
I mean, when you're walking down a mall
and some guy yells, "Hey, nice mustache!"
You don't stop and say, "What's your name?"
So, nobody?
A guy in the mall!
Look, honey...
Jim, when you kissed me last night,
you scratched my face.
Ok, fine. No more kissing.
It's not my favorite part anyway.
Hey!
Cheryl, come on!
This mustache is an expression of who I am.
Like you women, you know, with your burning the bras,
the right to vote, wanting to be astronauts.
You got to respect my choice, okay?
Hear me roar.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work.
Hey. Hey.
Say hello to the policeman and the Indian chief for me.
Cheryl, help me out here.
Aunt Kunka.
Oh, my God! That's it! Thank you! Oh, my God!
Look, you know I am all for anything that covers up Jim's face,
but, I mean, this is ridiculous.
It's got to go. Why won't he get rid of it?
I know. Apparently he's taken a moral stand.
It's an expression of who he is.
Well, yeah. He also says that when he farts.
I know, but what can I do?
Fight fire with fire.
Oh, I don't want to grow a mustache.
No, Cheryl, I'm saying
take something that Jim loves about you and change it.
And then when he complains...
Trade it for the mustache!
Exactly. That is brilliant!
That's brilliant. Thank you.
You know, I got to do something,
because he's starting to twirl the corners and laugh maniacally.
(GROANS)
Cheryl?
I'll be right out.
Hey, Jim, you know, I was thinking about
what you were saying about your mustache
and how important it is to you,
and you were right.
Thank you.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
You know what, Cheryl? I think I got a little, you know,
Tom Selleck thing going on here.
Yeah, you know, you can do whatever you want with your appearance,
and I have absolutely no say in the matter.
Well, thank you for respecting my body.
All right, let's play
Magnum PI and hot guest star.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
What do you think? I dyed it.
Cheryl!
I thought it was time for a change.
I got inspired by your mustache.
Cheryl.
Oh, no. What have I done?
You hate it.
Cheryl.
I love it!
Lose the robe! What!
Cheryl, you are hot!
Are you kidding me?
No! You're dark and mysterious.
Give me some of that brunette sugar, baby!
Wait. Ooh!
I was worried you wouldn't like it, because, you know,
you're always going on and on about how much
you love my blonde hair.
This... This is good, baby.
Good. Great.
Okay, all right, let's forget about Magnum PI, all right?
Let's play a wounded GI soldier and lonely Italian housewife.
All right, I say, "Can you help me find my unit?"
And you say... I know what I say!
Hello? I got your lunch.
Oh. Not here.
Oh, God. Don't they ever air this thing out?
It smells like the boys' locker room in high school.
From what I hear.
Oh. Look at me.
All blonde and special.
Now I'm just brunette and boring.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
These are my dumbbells. I can't believe Andy took them.
Wow. And you fired your cleaning woman.
I have got to find a way to get Andy back.
I know, I know.
Why don't you talk him into dyeing his hair?
Jeez. I didn't know brunettes could be so snotty.
I did.
Oh, hi. Are Jim and Andy here?
Uh, no, but I'm Jim's wife. I can sign for that.
Oh, hi! You're Jim's wife?
Oh, Jim is the greatest. Oh...
And are you Andy's girlfriend?
He told me you lived in Canada.
No. I'm his sister. He stole my dumbbells.
Oh. That might be my fault.
I'm the one who told him he should start working out.
I'm always giving people advice on how to look better.
Bet your friends love that.
Oh! Jim and Andy sure do.
That cool mustache? My idea.
BOTH: Oh.
So we have you to thank for that mustache.
Oh, please. It's nothing.
Jim and Andy just listen to me because I have a friend
who goes to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Yeah, that must be it.
They have so much respect for that institution.
Listen, um... Um, Alicia,
I think it's just great that you're helping Jim out with his new look.
Oh, it's nothing.
You do? Stay with me.
Because, you know, there are so many things I'd like to get Jim to try,
but he just won't listen to me.
Men.
They never do what you want them to.
Really?
I don't have that problem.
Oh...
You know, if there were only some way
for me to get Jim to wear what I want.
Yeah.
BOTH: Hmm...
Whoa! Brain blast!
Maybe I could suggest something to Jim for you.
What a great idea!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and don't forget Andy.
He really needs a look.
Ooh, great!
Well, what do you want to see them in?
Would you give us a minute?
CHERYL: Wow! You know,
Jim, I got to be honest.
Not a lot of guys could pull that off.
DANA: No.
In a million years, I never would have thought
of a kilt for you, but it totally works.
I know!
Well, I understand it's all the rage in Rhode Island.
Really? Hey, honey,
will you do Braveheart for me?
Please?
Freedom!
Oh!
That is so sexy.
(GASPS)
I'm going to save some of that Scottish butter cookie for you.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(MACHO MAN PLAYING)
Yeah, yeah!
Yeah, you wish you looked this good!
Here's a fashion tip for you guys,
butt cracks are out this season!
Man, these guys know nothing about fashion!
Tell me about it.
Andy, what the hell happened to you?
Did you cover yourself in cheese?
What? I got a spray-on tan.
Look at you. You're wearing a dress.
This is not a dress, it's a kilt.
It's what Scottish guys wear to kick some ass.
Bet you it's easy to kick ass
when all you have to do is lift a guy's skirt.
Hey, hey!
I'm going to rough you up...
(CLEARS THROAT)
What do you want, Kenny? Oh.
Uh, I need some pencils
because I'm out of pencils.
Right there.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, clumsy me. I...
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Jim, he's taking pictures up your dress!
Give me that!
It's not a dress, it's a kilt!
Kenny, what are you doing?
Are you taking pictures because I look weird?
No, some of the guys aren't here today,
and they'd never believe, uh...
How great you look.
Let me ask you a question, Kenny,
and I want you to be truthful.
Pretend I'm not your boss. I'm just some guy you met in a bar.
I don't go to those kind of bars.
I guess that answers your question, loser.
Loser? Kenny, tell me the truth.
What do you think he looks like?
Like a creepy jack-o'-lantern.
Get out of here! Go!
All right, Jim,
I guess there's a better than average chance
we both look ridiculous.
I can't understand it. Alicia specifically said
I had great calves and I'd look great in a kilt.
Since when do you care what Alicia thinks?
I don't care what Alicia thinks.
But I do respect the Rhode Island School of Design.
It's very prestig... Oh, my God! I'm wearing a dress!
(GASPS)
And I'm a big gay pumpkin!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Why would Alicia do this to us?
I don't know!
Well, you can sure as hell bet I'm going to ask her
when she drops off those Martin plans today.
No. She already dropped them off.
She did? Oh, you signed for them?
No. I thought you did.
No. I wasn't... Who signed for them?
Cheryl.
BOTH: Cheryl!
You tricked me into wearing a skirt to work!
And look what you did to me!
I look like a great big Oompa Loompa!
Cheryl, you told me I looked good in this!
You lied to me!
No, no, no. I set you up.
You of all people should know the difference.
But why me, Cheryl? I'm orange everywhere.
Everywhere!
It was me, you idiot!
What did I ever do to you?
You stole my dumbbells!
You had it coming. You took my favorite pie tin!
Oh, any tin with a pie in it is your favorite pie tin.
You know, when I sweat, this stuff runs.
So?
So, you have a brand-new white couch.
Cheryl, you let me go out there wearing a dress!
No, Jim, it's a kilt.
It's a dress!
I know you talked to Alicia, didn't you?
Oh, you mean the talking rack who just loves your mustache?
Cheryl, Alicia is a valued colleague of mine whose opinion I respect.
And besides, she has a friend that goes to...
I know, I know, I know. The Rhode Island School of Design.
Hey, hey, I have a friend in medical school.
Can I take out your appendix?
Yes, you can.
There! I win! Oh...
You know what I want to know?
Why did you listen to her over me?
Cheryl, it's a very complicated issue,
and frankly, the subtleties, I don't think you're going to be able to grasp.
Because the hot chick thought you were cute?
That would be it.
Okay, I win. Honesty.
Wait, Jim, come back here!
I'm your wife, Jim.
I love your face the way it is.
It's the first thing I see in the morning
and the last thing I see at night.
It's the face I've kissed for the last years
and I will for the next .
Come on.
Doesn't that mean more than what some young hot chick says?
Not really. Oh!
Oh, come on, Cheryl, I love you like crazy.
But I'm a guy!
It's normal for a guy to get a little jolt when a...
You know, a chick that's not your wife gives you a little attention.
Why?
Well, you know, it makes you feel like you still got it.
Oh, come on, Cheryl. You know what I'm talking about.
How about when those three bag boys
carry one loaf of bread to your car for you?
All right, I'll give you that.
All right. We agree.
So I won two, and this one's a push. Let's go eat.
You know what's really bothering me?
Oh, man...
Why do we have to go to "What's really bothering me"
after I win two out of three?
Hey, close your legs, Sharon Stone.
You know what it is? You chose Alicia over me.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You did.
You knew I hated that mustache, and you kept it anyway.
That makes her more important than me.
You know I would never do that to you.
Well, in my defense,
I really didn't bother to think about it.
Well...
Think about it now.
Now come on, Cheryl.
You know you're the most important woman in the world to me.
I do.
Is that potato chip?
Taco shell.
Ugh!
All right.
I'll go shave it off.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, but, honey, don't take off the kilt just yet.
Why not?
Well, you know, I always wanted to go to Scotland,
and you do have amazing calves.
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Aye, lassie, I do, don't I?
And a terrible Scottish accent.
Aye, that, too.
Hey, do you really like my hair this way?
Yes.
Doesn't it bother you that it doesn't really look like me?
No, I get the best of both worlds.
I get to be with another woman,
and you're there, too.