Ooh! (CROWD EXCLAIMING ON TV)
(GRUNTS) Come on, Ortiz! Quit dancing!
It's a cage match, not a tea party!
Choke him out, Donnelly!
You know what I like about that Donnelly?
He's not in it for the money.
He just likes to hurt people.
Okay, so explain to me again the difference
between ultimate cage fighting and regular boxing.
Well, first of all, there's a cage.
Which is an octagon.
Instead of a ring.
Which is square.
And there's no rules,
so it makes it illegal everywhere except for Asia.
And Alabama.
(THUDDING ON TV) Ooh!
(CROWD SHOUTING ON TV)
As you can see, the crotch is in play.
Right.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Jim, are you expecting anyone?
What, like a friend?
ANDY: Come on, now. Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, hi, Mr. Osgood.
Oh, now, please, Cheryl,
I told you before, it's Bertram.
Mr. Osgood was my father, and he's passed on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not. I hated him.
Oh.
Anyway, I got some of your mail again.
Oh.
(BELL DINGING ON TV) (ALL GROAN)
Now, what?
Two minutes. bucks?
It's over? That's it?
What's the matter, can't you fight with a compound fracture?
Bertram, please, would you like to come in? Sure. Thank you.
Oh, you know what? I actually think this is yours. It's...
(GASPS)
It's opera tickets.
Jim, Bertram has tickets to... Ah...
"Die Fledermaus."
Is that the one where everyone thinks
the baby kangaroo is a giant mouse?
Different classic, but just as good.
(LAUGHS)
Are you an opera fan, Cheryl?
Oh, oh, I... I've never actually gone,
but I have seen it on TV.
I see a lot of fun things on TV that I've never actually been to.
'Cause...
I'm gonna die in this house having never been anywhere.
Well, would you like my...
Oh, God, yes.
Dana! Friday, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I have to check my book, but I'm pretty sure
I'm doing something that I wouldn't hate.
Andy. Andy, opera, huh?
Strauss? Please.
I like my coffee black, my women on the rebound,
and my opera Italian. Thank you, no.
I won't even ask.
Atta girl. Yeah.
Hey, why don't you, uh...
Why don't you go with Bertram?
Oh, would that be okay with you?
Well, I would be delighted.
That is, if you don't mind
being seen on the arm of an old man.
Oh, please. I've been to better places with worse.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) It's true. She's dated some real losers.
Just one. Just one.
Well, that's great, then, Cheryl.
I will see you on Friday.
Oh, and, uh, you're gonna have to drive,
because I'm not allowed to, after dark.
Oh, it would be my pleasure. Sure.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, I am going to the opera.
And I'm not.
Win-win.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Where's Mommy's apron?
Uh, boy, are you asking the wrong guy.
We're gonna play house. Kyle's the baby.
I lie down, and they bring me food.
Honey, that's not the baby. That's the daddy.
Go on. (BELL DINGS)
Hey, would one of you get the dinger?
No.
Dinger! Dinger!
Cheryl! Dinger! I know, I know.
Would it k*ll you to turn it off?
Cheryl, that's your area.
I'm just trying to respect it.
(HUMMING OPERA MUSIC)
What the hell's that?
It's been a whole day.
How long does that opera buzz last?
Oh, Jim, it is such a romantic story.
You see, Alfred is still in love with his old girlfriend Rosalinde...
Right. ...but she is married to Gabriel von Eisenstein.
A love triangle.
How fresh.
And then afterwards,
Bertram and I went out and discussed it over tea.
Tea? Yes!
Hold the phone! I didn't know there'd be tea!
Oh, fine.
Make fun if you want, but just once,
it would be nice to go to something with you
that didn't involve the words "nitro burning."
Hey, how about... Or "totally nude."
You know, Cheryl, they have a British dancer there. That's culture.
Like this, honey. Look, look.
There's a foreign film festival at the Hillhurst.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(GASPS) I don't know, Cheryl.
Honey, come on. It'll be fun.
Yeah, it might be fun, but then what happens?
We're going to spend the rest of our lives
chasing that high with dr*gs and alcohol.
Oh.
No, no, no.
Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city.
We should take advantage of it.
All right, I'll take you to the zoo. Oh.
All right, all right, I'll take you to the foreign film.
(EXCLAIMS) I hope it's subtitled.
There's nothing I like more than reading a good movie.
Oh.
Oh, hey, Bertram. How are you?
Hello, Jim. Hey!
Cheryl, I thought you might like this CD.
It's La traviata with Hildegard Behrens.
It's a real barn burner.
Thank you so much,
and thank you for taking me to the opera.
You know what? I baked you some cookies.
I'm gonna go pack them up for you. (CHUCKLES)
Well, come on in. Please, please.
Here, here, have a seat. Wherever you want, Bert.
You mind I call you Bert?
Uh, actually, I'd rather you didn't.
Bert always reminds me of that puppet on Sesame Street.
Who, uh, Ernie?
Sure. Yeah.
Oh!
Man, you guys must have had a great time last night.
She's been singing all day back there.
Well, Cheryl is delightful company.
She is smart, and she's funny,
and she's considerate enough to spend time with an old man.
Oh, come on. How old are you?
I'm . Holy...
You want a shawl or a blanket or something?
Oh, look, the newspaper.
Huh, that's funny.
Five mornings out of seven, I never get mine.
That is funny.
Hey, the foreign film festival. Hmm.
Are you folks going?
Yeah, my wife's dragging me to The Bicycle Thief.
Well, Jim, you're in for a real treat.
The Bicycle Thief is one of the great works of European cinema.
Oh, I got a few European films in a box in the attic.
Yeah, every once in a while
I have my own festival.
So, you like The Bicycle Thief, huh?
Oh, I love it.
Huh.
Well, that's interesting. Why...
Why don't you take Cheryl to see The Bicycle Thief?
Really? Sure.
You know what? It would make her happy,
and I like seeing her happy.
And believe me, I don't want to be up all night,
standing in the bathroom peeing out tea.
I hear that.
Yeah.
Well, I would really love to take her.
That is, with your kind permission.
Oh, permission granted. Are you sure?
Oh, of course I'm sure.
I'm the one who told you to do it. So you wouldn't mind?
Oh, just take my wife to the damn movie, pops!
(PLAYING THE BLUES)
Jim! Hey, Jim!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ay, chihuahua.
So, honey, I'll be back by : .
Okay, okay, wait a minute, honey, come here.
Listen, uh... I know you're going to be with Bertram,
but you're going downtown, so please, park on the street,
'cause I'm not paying those parking structure rates.
(MOUTHING)
Who's Bertram?
Oh, he's just a neighbor.
Cheryl's going out on the town with another dude?
Oh, he's not another dude. He's just some old guy.
He takes her to the symphony and, you know, the opera,
and all the crap I hate.
You think he'd take my wife to church?
You know, Jim, an old man is still a man.
ANDY: That's right. Oh, please, knock it off.
No, no, it's true.
I once walked in on my grandparents doing it.
What?
Yeah, yeah. They were in their s,
but Gramps was really putting Nana through her paces.
Ew! Come on!
Can we change the subject here?
You know, they got these pills now
that'll turn an old man into a teenager.
Yeah, Admiral Winky can sure stay on the bridge
a lot longer than he used to.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I mean, they got four hour, six hour,
and now the new hour.
Hey, is the new .
They really are the greatest generation.
Jim, Jim. Are you ready?
Huh? What?
Hey, count it off, man. Yeah, count it. I'm counting.
Okay, one, two, three, four.
(PLAYING THE BLUES)
Oh, see, Bertram, you didn't have to walk me to the door.
I'm fine.
Well, you can't be too careful.
I didn't like the look of some of them squirrels out front.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
(SCREAMS) Jim!
Oh, you scared me to death.
Did I?
(EXHALES)
I'm sorry, my pet.
I was waiting up for you, and I must have nodded off.
What time is it?
Oh, mercy me, it's after : .
: ? (GASPS)
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I should have called.
I had no idea how late it was.
After the ballet, Bertram and I went
to this jazz club he knows about.
Bertram.
Yes.
Bertram.
(YAWNS) What a night.
Oh, my God, you must be just exhausted.
Why don't you go upstairs to bed, honey?
I'll see Bertram out.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Bertram, thank you for a lovely, lovely evening.
(BERTRAM CHUCKLING) (MOUTHING)
So I'll see you on Saturday.
Right. The symphony. I can't wait.
(LAUGHS)
All right, baby.
I'll be up there in a second
to take my place beside you.
In our bed.
All right.
Mmm.
What was that?
What?
No, no, no, you just made a...
You just made a sound.
Oh, I was just clearing my throat.
No. No, no.
You went "mmm."
Clearing your throat is "ahem."
You just made the "I want to hit that" noise.
I'm sorry, Jim, but I don't understand what you're saying.
It's been a long night. I'm going home.
Well, you can stay home. Well, thank you. I live there.
You listen to me, pal.
Here's the deal.
You and Cheryl are over.
I don't want you to talk to her, I don't want you to see her,
I don't want you calling her. You got it?
Yes, but I don't understand what you're...
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I think you do understand.
Just because a dog is droopy
doesn't mean he can't still hunt.
Is this another Sesame Street thing?
I want you out of here by the time I count five,
or I'm going to turn that hose on you.
But, Jim, this was all your idea!
One!
Two, three, four, five!
(LAUGHS)
BERTRAM: Whoa! Cold!
Okay, I'll be home by : , : at the latest,
and no surprises this time.
Ha, I'm confident about that.
(LAUGHS)
Hey. Hey, well, look at you.
Hot date tonight?
Yeah, you.
Didn't Jim tell you? I'm taking you to the symphony.
What? Where's Bertram?
Yes. Bertram. Yes.
He's a creep, honey.
Uh, I'm gonna have Andy take you on dates from now on.
What? Uh, the shoes stay on for an hour.
After that, no promises.
Wait, wait. I'm not going with you.
Bertram is not a creep. He's a sweet, old man.
Yeah, a sweet, old man who wants to get down on it.
Oh, come on.
Cheryl, trust me. You should have seen him.
When you were going up the stairs the other night,
he made the "mmm" sound.
"Mmm"? No, no, no, no.
Not "mmm" from the throat.
"Mmm" from the loins.
It's a guy thing. And, honey, it is uncontrollable.
Oh, come... No. It's true, Cheryl.
I "mmm'd" a meter maid at the DMV yesterday.
What is it about those uniforms?
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh.
b*at it.
Fine. Next time, Jim,
green-light your scheme with the wife
before I squat the crease out of my suit.
Jim, how dare you?
Bertram's my friend.
He's not your friend, Cheryl. He's a guy.
And you put a guy in the batter's box,
he's gonna take a swing.
He's a -year-old man.
Man, Cheryl, that's the operative word. Man.
I'll admit I was fooled by the age, too,
but he's a man,
and I'm a man, and I'm your husband.
Therefore, it is my job to protect you.
I don't want to ruin your friendship.
It's just my job.
Deciding who I'm friends with is not your job.
(LAUGHS) That's a very common mistake, Cheryl.
Lots of wives make that mistake.
You know what? You're wrong about Bertram.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are!
Where are you going?
I'm going for a drive to think,
if I have my protector's permission.
Granted!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Cheryl, what are you doing here?
Jim's not with you, is he?
No, no, I...
Look, I'm just gonna give you the standard speech I give all the neighbors.
Dear sir or madam, apparently my husband has
insert appalling action here.
While this is by no means an admission of guilt
or legal liability on Jim's part,
please accept this green bean casserole as a peace offering.
I kind of stormed out,
so I'm gonna have to owe you the casserole.
Thank you.
Please, come on in.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, Bertram, would you please tell me
what happened between you and Jim?
Well, I don't know.
He just flew off the handle the other night.
(EXHALES)
He thinks you have ulterior motives.
Oh, is that it?
The man is so hard to read.
He... He thinks you made an "mmm" noise.
(CHUCKLES) Cheryl, I'm years old.
I make all kinds of noises.
(LAUGHS)
Look, please, sit down. Ah.
You look a little shook up.
I was just having a glass of wine. Would you like one?
You know, that would be great.
Thank you.
Oh, I love him to death, but I swear to God,
sometimes he is just a caveman.
Here, here. Oh.
To the performing arts.
Ah.
Mmm. Oh, that is lovely.
Yes, well, that's a California Merlot.
I hope it's not too pedestrian.
Mmm.
(SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, I mean, I...
I get to choose my own friends.
I... I just want someone I can do things with.
Hey.
Is that the music from the jazz club?
It sure is.
It's very soothing, isn't it?
Yes. You know, it is.
It's... It's just... It's amazing to me.
It's like Jim really doesn't believe that
a straight man can be friends with an attractive woman.
The man is a neanderthal.
No, no, no.
He's a good guy. It's just that sometimes, he gets these crazy ideas.
(CHUCKLES)
What smells so good?
Oh, that's the candle.
It's called "tropical passion."
I see. Ah.
Those island nights.
Okay.
(LAUGHS)
You know what?
Jim is not gonna ruin our symphony date.
So you go get your suit on, and let's go.
No, what's the rush?
Why don't we just sit and finish our wine?
Oh, but we're gonna be late for the symphony. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
(WHISPERS) Oh, but we're gonna be late for the symphony.
Mmm.
Oh, my God. That's the noise.
Oh, my God!
Oh...
That did come from your loins!
The question is, what kind of noise are your loins making now?
Now, Bertram!
Damn it.
I thought we were friends.
Oh, we are, we are.
Just think how much better friends we'll be
when we see each other naked.
(GROANS)
Where are you going?
Where am I going? I'm going to the symphony.
Alone.
You, uh...
You know what the saddest part is?
It's not just that our friendship is over,
which it is.
It's that Jim was right about you.
Men are animals.
Oh, no, Cheryl, men aren't animals.
Men are men, at all ages.
Ah, what an old fool I am.
I went and ruined a great friendship.
It's just that I've been so lonely since my dear Adele d*ed.
Not working. All right, I'll see you.
Commence f*ring.
Come on, tuba player. Stay still.
(CLINKING)
Sweet.
MAN: Hey!
Hey...
What are you doing here?
Well, I thought if you came alone, I'd be your date,
and if you came with Bertram, I'd kick his ass.
You're alone, right? Yeah.
Good.
Now I can put my roll of dimes back in my change drawer.
You were right.
Bertram made his move.
Go ahead. Do it.
"Well, well, well."
(LAUGHS)
Not this time, Cheryl.
Although I am right,
it is partly my fault.
You set me up with him. It's all your fault.
Well, "all" is a part.
Well...
You know, I realize when we do stuff together,
it's not really about the stuff we do together.
It's that we're together.
Aw, honey.
I like being together with you, too.
And we're together at the symphony.
I finally got you here.
(HAUGHTILY) Yes, the symphony.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, shh, it's starting.
Since I'm new at this, you want to talk me through it?
Ok, down there, those guys... Mmm-hmm.
...they play music, and we listen.
Well, what am I supposed to look at?
Shh.
(WHISPERS) Cheryl...
Yeah?
You didn't park in the structure, did you?
You know, Jim...
Some people,
they close their eyes so they can listen better.
Shh. Close your eyes, quiet.
Mmm.