Hey.
What's with the ice pack?
Well, Andy, today my son took a giant step
into manhood.
My pants bit me.
He had first zipper malfunction.
Oh! Oh, ouch! Kyle!
Oh, this is gonna be one of the few days in your life
you wish you were a woman.
Today and every time you go out on a date
because they don't pay for anything.
Anyway, tip-off's in two minutes.
Oh, great, just enough time for a bathroom break.
Still hurts, huh?
I'm sorry, son.
Well, that's the price we men pay
for being able to have something to grab
when we're trying to emphasize a point.
Yeah.
And you know what? Soon you'll be able
to learn to take care of it,
and these kind of mistakes won't ever happen again.
(ANDY SCREAMING)
I have a Snoopy bandage. How about you?
JIM: Oh, baby!
Daddy? Yes, my sweethearts?
We want to be allowed to say bad words.
You know, uh,
cursing is a big responsibility,
and, uh, you're gonna want to do it right.
So, why don't you write a report
on the bad words you'd like to use,
and how you want to use them.
Right. Write pages single-spaced.
And don't just copy it out of an encyclopedia.
That's a lot of work just to say the R-word.
Well, that's the price you pay.
BOTH: The R-word?
Oh, my fault? I can't believe you!
Say goodbye to Ryan, everyone. He's gonna die this weekend.
Bye, Ryan. Bye, Ryan.
Oh, stop it! What are you talking about?
Yeah, dead man, tell them.
I'm going to a stock car racing driving school,
and apparently Dana thinks she's the boss of me.
Well, excuse me if don't want my fiance
crashing into a wall at miles an hour.
Two hundred miles an hour? Kick ass!
You know, at that speed, a bug is like a b*llet.
It'll rip your arm clean off.
Big help, Andy. Thanks.
I've been trying to explain to Dana
that they take a lot of precautions, all right?
And it's entirely safe.
Yeah, they give you helmets, a fire suit.
A fire suit? Great. Great.
All right, so how am I gonna introduce you at the wedding?
"Hi, everyone, this is my husband.
"His skin comes from a pig."
No, that's it. You're not going stock car racing.
Hey, hey...
Yeah, you know what? We'll see about that.
Hey, it's okay. I'll talk to her.
JIM: Here's the good news.
The closer you get to the wedding,
the crazier she'll get.
Hey, Ryan, word of advice.
Be careful of those fire suits.
They have mighty big zippers.
Yeah, hi, I'm getting married at your hotel on the th.
Yeah, cancel everything.
Give it. Give me. Give me...
Stop it!
Hi, this is Cheryl. I'm Dana's sister.
False alarm.
Yeah, good to talk to you again, too.
Okay.
Cheryl! Sit!
Ow!
Chocolate.
But, Cheryl, he's gonna... Eat.
Mmm.
All right,
you're going about this thing with Ryan all wrong.
When men are on the threshold of a major commitment,
they need to do something reckless
to prove they're still in charge of their own destinies.
This is really good. Is it sugar free?
Yes, it is. Can you believe it?
Oh! Focus! Focus!
Okay.
When Jim and I got engaged,
he suddenly decided he needed a motorcycle.
And I said, "No, there's no way you're getting one of those."
So he did, because I made it a thing.
Well, it is a thing.
Dana, honey...
(SIGHING)
Word to the wise.
Never get between a guy and his thing.
(SIGHS)
Why can't Ryan's thing be something
that keeps him at home, you know?
Like fantasy football or girls on the Internet.
Because that doesn't show you he's in charge.
He's not in charge. I'm gonna stop him.
No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
No! Dana.
You don't stop them.
You let them stop themselves.
It's like mental judo.
I don't get it.
(SIGHS)
When I gave birth to Ruby, Jim had to go sky diving.
This time, I didn't fight it.
You let him go? No!
I told him I loved his adventurous spirit.
See, I didn't make it a thing,
so he forgot all about it.
He never mentioned it again.
Adventurous spirit.
Yeah. He ate it up.
I even got him a helmet that said "Geronimo Jim."
And you weren't afraid that he was gonna go through with it?
Well, a little,
but the scientific breakthrough was worth it.
Wow. This whole simple housewife thing
is just a ruse.
You're a genius.
You know, I am.
Yes, we call it reverse psychology.
Oh, also, it helps if you wear something low-cut.
Push 'em up.
And I said, "Woman...
"Woman!
"I'm going sky diving, and that's that!"
I know that's right.
And she could tell by the wild, crazy look in my eyes
that I wasn't gonna back down.
And you know what?
She came correct.
She even gave me a helmet that said "Geronimo Jim."
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Jim not only wears the pants, he wears the helmet
in this family. That's right.
That's right. That was a defining moment in our marriage.
That changed the course of our relationship,
because it taught Cheryl to respect
my sov-enty as a man.
That's right. Sov-enty.
So, I should just be more assertive with Dana.
No, not more assertive! You gotta go wild!
You gotta go crazy! You gotta let them know you mean business!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let us see your eyes.
Can you get three corners of white?
Try it, try it. Come on, come on.
Come on, come on. That's the best you can do?
We're talking about make or break a marriage right here.
Now look at me and say "I'm going stock car racing!"
I'm going stock car racing.
Hey, that's pretty good...
For a little girl! Come on! Come on!
Look me in the eye! Come on! Say it!
I'm going stock car racing, and that's that!
Oh, oh...
Oh... All right, that's good, that's good.
Now look me in the eye and say
"I'm gonna march right in that kitchen!"
I'm gonna march right in that kitchen!
"And get Jim and Andy a beer!"
And I'm gonna get Jim and...
All you have to do is ask.
Oh. Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, where you going?
Where's my bad word report?
We're taking a break.
We're gonna have a tea party in the back yard.
I get to be the table.
I used to be the table.
They stuck gum to my belly.
Oh...
JIM: Hey!
Huh?
Come on, are you a man or a wuss?
Well, have you ever seen a wuss drive miles an hour?
I'm gonna race stock cars. I laid down the law!
All right!
(ALL BABBLING)
That's great, man, that's great. When are you gonna do it?
I said I'd hold off for a little bit.
I don't want to rub my sov-enty in her face too much.
That is so cool, zipping around corners,
spitting in death's face.
Exactly. See, I cannot wait for that adrenaline rush, you know?
I mean, Jim, what was that like for you?
What? When you went sky diving.
Oh, I didn't go sky diving.
I mean, you know, life just kind of got in the way.
A lot of distractions, you know.
Kids and sports on TV
and Cheryl wearing a low-cut top.
Tell you what. Dana is so cute.
Yes, she is.
Yeah. She even bought me a cool helmet.
I told you. That's exactly what Cheryl did for me.
Yeah, and then she said that my adventurous spirit
was part of why she fell in love with me.
Adventurous spirit? That's exactly what Cheryl said to me.
That's exactly what Cheryl said to me!
Let me ask you a question.
Was she wearing something low-cut?
Oh, yeah. And it was hot.
It was like, "Here's your helmet."
That's it!
I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
She used reverse psychology on me.
(LAUGHING)
Wow!
You do that to the kids all the time.
You must feel stupid.
We gotta take a stand here, that's all.
That's right. Geronimo Jim is gonna soar like an eagle
as a symbol for men everywhere,
never to be manipulated again.
You're gonna go sky diving?
We're gonna go sky diving.
Yeah! Yeah!
(SLOWLY) Yeah.
Ha...
You know,
I appreciate you guys trying to include me,
but this is kind of a married guy thing.
BOTH: You're going.
Are you sure?
You know, Andy,
that really kind of only works for chicks, you know?
Are you sure?
Put those away! Put them away!
So then I grabbed Ryan's hand and I looked into his eyes, and I said,
"I was wrong.
"I want you to go racing."
You should have seen the look on his face.
Oh... I love men.
They're so simple, but they think they're so complicated.
Aw...
Marriage is gonna be so easy now that I have the playbook.
Honey, it is like sh**ting fish in a barrel.
You know, without the g*n and the unnecessary cruelty to animals.
Right.
(RYAN AND ANDY WHOOSHING)
I claim this cloud in the name
of Geronimo Jim!
(CHERYL SCREAMS)
What are you doing?
Uh, you know what? Ryan was talking about going to the stock car races,
and it reminded me of the time that I wanted to go sky diving.
Remember, you wanted me to do it, too,
because of my... Adventurous spirit?
Not ringing a bell.
I believe you said that adventurous spirit
is one of the reasons you fell in love with me.
You even bought him this cool helmet.
Mmm-mmm.
But I never went.
And that's not very adventurous.
So, I'm going sky diving this weekend.
And Andy's going, too.
Well, I gotta check my calendar.
I'm due for a teeth cleaning.
BOTH: You're going.
Oh, and, Dana, I've been thinking about this whole stock car racing thing.
I'm not gonna do it.
Oh, are you sure, honey?
Because I'm totally fine with it.
I know.
I just figured I'd rather go sky diving with Jim.
You know, in honor of his adventurous spirit.
(GASPING)
Something wrong, sweetie?
No, no, no, no.
No, we're fine. It's just so exciting.
Cheryl, where are we going?
We're gonna go make our adventurers a hearty meal,
because our three men are gonna jump out of a plane.
But... Sky diving, woo!
(LAUGHING)
I think I pulled a little adventurous spirit right here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
(SHUSHING)
Sky diving?
He wouldn't break enough bones in a blazing car crash?
It's your fault. "Adventurous spirit"?
You used the exact same words I used on Jim.
Well, yeah, you said it would work.
You can't use exact words. You gotta mix it up.
The monkeys talk.
I thought... I thought they just talked about sports and boobs.
Are you sure you're ready to get married?
Yeah, I even picked out the shoes.
All right, all right, all right. We can fix this.
They're good, but we are better.
You know what? No way. Game over.
I'm putting an end to this.
Fine, fine. Make it a thing.
Then they have to do it.
Damn!
Okay, coach, what's the play?
Okay, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Chocolates, talk to me.
Ah! I got it.
We don't call their bluff. We raise it.
We are going sky diving.
Brilliant! Let's all get ourselves k*lled!
Hey, bring the kids!
Would you relax? Nobody's going sky diving.
Jim is not gonna let the mother of his children risk her life.
So, when he says it's too dangerous for me,
we pounce and use his own logic against him.
Why can't you just withhold sex like a normal woman?
I can't help myself.
I need my monkey love.
Daddy? Yes, girls?
We finished our report.
It's only one page,
but we really just want to say the R-word.
Rat poo?
(BOTH GASP)
Rat poo?
You girls are filthy.
Well, everything seems to be in order here.
Congratulations, girls.
From now on, you can curse like polite sailors.
BOTH: Rat poo, rat poo, rat poo, rat poo!
I thought the whole point of the report
was to keep them from doing what they wanted.
No, no, not after I've been b*rned by reverse psychology.
From now on, this family's gonna say what they mean
and mean what they say.
I don't want to go sky diving.
Come on, you don't mean that.
Hey, Jim?
Yes?
I've been thinking.
Oh, have you now?
Yeah, um, remember years ago
when you wanted to go sky diving?
There was something I didn't tell you.
Well, today's a very good day to come clean with it then.
Yeah, um, the thing I didn't tell you is...
Yes, my young bride?
I want to go sky diving, too.
(LAUGHS) Well, well... What!
Well, for some reason, I got it in my head
that it was unsafe,
but you are the protector of this family, and you're gonna do it.
So, I figure, what's the worst that can happen?
You know, besides our kids becoming orphans
in the blink of an eye.
Well...
I think that's...
A great idea.
Well...
Great.
Absolutely great.
Finally... Sky diving.
Hot damn!
Hot diggity damn!
See you at , feet.
Fifteen.
Even better!
Crap!
I thought she was gonna fold!
This sucks!
Sky diving's off.
The hell it is.
She's bluffing, and she's gonna cr*ck.
Then she's gonna have to admit
that she rat-pooed me.
You can use it as a verb?
Yeah, it's right here in the report.
So, Ryan, here we are. Men, holding on to our maleness.
I gotta tell you, Jim, my maleness has been
sucked up into my body cavity.
Don't you chicken out. Not now.
Otherwise, leave them up there,
'cause you're never gonna get them back.
Hey, how you doing? How's this harness holding up?
Huh?
(EXCLAIMS)
It's a little lumpy in the back.
(LAUGHS HUMORLESSLY)
You know, I think it's time for my pre-jump calisthenics.
And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four...
Feel that burn?
Stop it!
Okay, okay, I'll be good!
Yeah, yeah, you also said you'd be on time. Okay?
But you're late, and we're stuck with the tandem harness.
I was putting on make-up.
Who puts on make-up to sky dive?
They sell videos.
Jim, may I talk to you in private, please?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
What are you talking about? Ow.
Andy! Ow! Ah! Stop it!
Okay, what's up?
Well, a couple of things. Yeah?
Cheryl's not budging,
and I lied to the jumpmaster about my weight.
Can we stop this now, please?
Not on your life.
You know, that's funny, because it kind of is on my life!
I don't want to die!
Cheryl's gonna cr*ck before you splat.
Okay, we're on jump run!
Let's get ready to go!
Jim, Cheryl, you're gonna go first!
Check your altimeters.
Check your harnesses. We're gonna have fun.
You guys are gonna do great.
So, is there anything you want to say
to the mother of your children
before she jumps out of a plane?
Yes.
Remember to arch!
I'm gonna do it!
Go ahead!
See you on the ground!
Stop it!
I can't believe you!
You're gonna let me jump out of a plane?
You're not gonna jump out.
You're just trying to trick me like you did years ago.
Fine! I tricked you!
That's only 'cause we were starting a family,
and sky diving is unsafe!
It is not unsafe!
You're jumping out of a plane at , feet,
trusting a nylon sheet to float you to safety.
It is stupid!
Where does it say that I can't do things that are stupid?
Geronimo!
Hey! Hey!
We're not done with this argument!
Now that those two nut jobs are off the plane, unhook me.
Hey, we're not jumping!
Oh, thank God!
Suit yourselves, but there's no refunds!
Peace out, Chicago!
Let's never be like Jim and Cheryl.
Yeah. I'd say that's a good goal.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Look out, Evanston.
Don't jump.
You know, I got to be honest with you,
I never wanted to do this in the first place.
So no stock car racing?
No. I mean...
You know, maybe after the first child.
I love you.
(GROANING)
If we were alone, we could join the mile-high club.
Rat poo!
Jim! Jim!
You get back on that plane right now!
All right!
I tricked you.
But it's not because I want to control you,
it's because I love you and I want you alive!
Hey!
Hey, I am talking to you!
I think I just wet my pants!
(BOTH YELLING)
(ANDY YELLING)