05x05 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

[oven heating]

Come on! Are ya golden brown yet,
you lazy son of a bitch?

It is a beautiful turkey, Marty.

Hey, Barbara, don't compliment the bird.

It'll get complacent and dry
and disappoint me for years.

-Ooh, speaking of… Andrew!
-[pants] Dad, you screamed?

Help me load this masterpiece
into the Zappos box.

Uh, it kind of feels wrong

to bring an uninvited turkey
to the Birch's Thanksgiving.

What, are you kidding?

When they taste my juicy bird,

they're gonna crown me
king of Thanksgiving.

Now get in the car, Prince Fat Ass.

Ooh, I like that name, Prince Fat Ass,
and I bow to your mushy tushy.

-[grunts]
-Wait, oh, wait! Not the trunk.

Can't I please just hold the turkey
in the back seat?

What? And get hot grease all over
the ultra suede?! You out of your mind?

Maury, aren't you gonna
get in the trunk with me?

Oh, I'd love to squeeze in there
next to your dad's sandals,

but I've got a touch football game.

John Wayne Bobbitt's
picking me up in ten minutes.

-What?
-Turn on your headlamp, idiot!

-And keep that turkey upright.
-Dad, no! Mommy!

[Barbara] Take shallow breaths, Andrew!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

Bridgeton Middle is proud to welcome
the inspiration for our new mascot,

Steven Van Zandt!

All right, girls, I'm gonna let you
shake my Steven Van hands.

And now, the car will take me
straight to the airport.

-[sighs]
-I can't believe

Jessi and Ali got to meet Little Steven!

[moans] What I wouldn't give to have
his meaty jowls buried in my gabagool.

I don't want to think about Jessi,
or Ali, or your gabagool.

I'm just jazzed because
my cousins are coming for Thanksgiving!

Ooh, the Hotlanta crew!

There's something about your cousin Lena
that makes me want to fall on my back

-and open my vulva to the sky!
-[doorbell rings]

Ah! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! They're here!

-[kisses]
-What's up, Uncle Urkel?

-[laughs]
-I would take exception,

but family matters.

[as Steve Urkel] Did I
just make that joke?

Oh, God, no!

Hey, guys!

Hey, baby cuz!

Ooh-hoo! Look at those braids,
you haven't gotten them redone.

-[chuckles]
-What? You have to get them redone?

But they hurt so much the first time.

Missy, your braids are a struggle.
Look at your edges.

She out here looking like
Frederick m*therf*cking Douglass.

Okay, thank you for the compliment.

He was a great abolitionist.

I hope everyone brought their appetite.

I made mashed cauliflower,
Brussels sprouts with tempeh gravy…

What's tempeh?

…and a tofurkey with acorn gravy.

My baby laid it down! [smacks]

Oh, and I almost forgot.
For dessert, a carob pie!

[both] ♪ Carob pie! Carob pie!
A piece for you and a piece for I ♪

-Oh, my God. They are--
-The whitest Black people on the planet?

You know what?
I think we should take "the walk."

Eyebrows, eyebrows.

Oh, oh, yeah. "The walk."

I want to get
some of that fresh Northeast air.

Double eyebrows.

What kind of eyebrows
are you guys talking about?

Just put your coat on, Questlove.

Oh, God, here comes
the speed bump on Ogden Avenue.

-[thuds]
-Ow!

-[male voice] Hola. Hi.
-f*ck, who's speaking? Who said that?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.

A talking turkey?

Well, I am a turkey,
but my name is Fernando.

Nice to meet you, Fernando.

Welcome to the trunk
of my dad's brown car.

Oh, you're so polite.
When your father was basting me,

he called me a flightless bastard

unworthy of the sack of lemons
plugging my assh*le.

Yeah, he once told me he regrets
crapping me out of his balls.

Ay, Dios mío.
You need to stand up for yourself.

Hey, you know what would
drive my dad really crazy?

-Paying someone to wash his car?
-Well, we can't go that far.

But I was thinking,
what if I refuse to eat you?

I mean, obviously, I love that idea.

Yes. Prince Fat Ass is going to topple

-the mighty king-- Oh, Jesus!
-[thuds]

-Oh! Oh!
-[barking]

That's right, Luda.

This Thanksgiving,
we're going house-to-house burgling food,

and nobody's gonna give a f*ck because
Santa's allowed to break and enter.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[barks] Brrawr. Brear. Brear.

Year. Why have none of my kids
called me this year?

Mmm, Greg,
these Trader Joe's tacos are scrumptious.

My secret is I ignore the instructions
and just freestyle.

I like to jam band the tacos.

Oh! "Jam band the tacos."
[chuckles] That sounds like a good time.

-[laughs]
-Jessi! Tacos means vaginas.

That's the first thing they teach
at hormone monster school.

Mom, what's wrong with you?
Why are you so happy?

I didn't mean to upset you
by being in a good mood.

-Teenage girls. Am I right, Caitlin?
-Totally.

Greg, you have a little…
[chuckles] …schmutz in your hair.

Oh, yeah. There was an aioli expl*si*n
in the storage room at work.

-It's all right, I got it.
-Thank you.

I'm actually not feeling too well.
I'm gonna go lay down for a minute.

Ooh!

Cheese Girl's sick of watching
your parents' f*ck vibes.

-"f*ck vibes"?
-I don't know, Connie.

I'm feeling, maybe, "love vibes."

You don't think they're gonna,
like, get back together, do you?

Yes! Mommy and Daddy are in love again!

They're gonna f*ck, and you're
gonna listen, and you're gonna learn.

Sure. That.

But also,
you guys would be a family again.

Like the Juggalos. Whoop-whoop!

Greg, what's happening?

-Oh, I think you know.
-[kisses]

Guys, what are you doing?
Caitlin's in the other room.

-Oh, good call.
-What?

I'm gonna k*ll Caitlin.
Isn't that what you wanted?

Yes, but not literally!

Too late. I already pulled the pin.
[grunts]

Let's get out of here before it blows.

-[grunts]
-[Shannon screams]

We're floating away in our old house.
This is incredible.

How-- How is this even happening?

-I stopped eating edibles.
-And I stopped eating p*ssy, sweetie.

Oh, okay. Wow.

Damn, I didn't realize
how much we wanted this.

-Yeah.
-Too bad none of it's real. [grunts]

Ow! That f*cking hurt.

-Shut up! Little baby.
-[laughs] Oh, Greg!

They do seem really happy.

Yeah, but how do we
get Shannon to stop eatin' p*ssy?

It's so good.

Oh… Oh, Jessi, my heart.
My heart, it hurts!

Did he get bitten by a Dracula?

No! He's the victim of unrequited love.

Our hearts are shattered!

Shattered? Maybe we should
get that fixed at the Genius Bar.

No, we didn't get AppleCare. Remember?

-[crying] Jessi!
-Jessi!

[Rick] AppleCare!

Oh, sweetheart, we are so excited
to meet your new boyfriend.

Is he the one, Leah?
Is he the one you'll love your whole life?

-Tell me you have no doubts.
-[doorbell rings]

-Ooh! I'll get it!
-No, I'll get it!

-[Marty] Out of my way, Nick's sister!
-Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

I'd like to apologize in advance
for everything.

We brought the good turkey!

Oh, how rude of me, of course.

Into the garbage with you!

Wait till you taste this juicy bird!

You'll realize that none of you

have ever accomplished anything
in your entire lives!

-Hey, buddy. How's it going?
-[groans]

I know.

Jessi told you in no uncertain terms

-that you're f*cking dog sh*t.
-[sobs]

But here's something
that'll make you feel better.

-I'm not eating my father's turkey today.
-Why?

Because I'm standing up for myself,
and I'm going at it sideways.

Okay.

Hey! I'm back. You missed
a hell of a touch football game.

O.J.'s still got it.

O.J. Simpson?

Oh, yeah, it's me, the Juice,
Buttafuoco, Gillooly,

all the '90s monsters.

-Steven Seagal looks like sh*t.
-[doorbell rings]

Ugh. That's probably Leah's new boyfriend.

"Boyfriend"?
I thought you promised Leah to me.

That sounds like a wet dream you had,

and I told you
I don't want to be in those!

Oh, Nick, I have no control.

Well, hello, gentlemen.

-What the f*ck?
-Leah is dating Val Bilzerian?

You know, Val's dad, Guy Bilzerian,
also plays in the '90s monsters game.

-Do you know who he carpools with?
-Someone awful?

No. No, no, no.

Robert Durst.

-[lighter clicks]
-Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hello, hello. Hi. Is that real marijuana?

Oh, God. It's weed.

You know we gotta be high to eat
your mama's nasty-ass tree gravy.

Cool. Totally cool.
Everything's cool here.

It's just marijuana, the gateway drug,
as they say on the street.

-Yo, Missy, you want to hit this?
-Ah!

I'm not doing dr*gs because
I care deeply about my brain development!

-[both laugh]
-We're f*cking with you.

You're our baby cousin.
We're not letting you smoke.

Oh. [chuckles] What an insane
and totally unnecessary prank.

You got me. Ha!

So Missy Miss, how's school and sh*t?

Well, let's see.
Uh, I started an affinity group,

and my first project was to get rid
of the school's offensive mascot.

Okay. Little Takiyah Thompson.

But nobody listened to my 20-point plan--

Twenty points? God damn!

Missy! Baby boo! Why are you such a dork?

Oh, I'm not a dork. I don't think.

I'm just smart and passionate
and earnest and committed.

She really is her daddy's daughter.

-She a little baby Steve Urkel.
-[both laugh]

Oh, sh*t, your cool cousins
also think you're a dork.

Why do you say "also"? Who else does?

Well, I do, and everyone at school.

That's probably why
they didn't want to hear your plan,

because nobody wants to listen to a dork.

People listened to Obama. Barack Obama?

Obama's not a dork!

He ripped lines of coke
off the Harvard Law Review.

Oh, yeah? Well, did Obama ever do this?
[inhales]

-Yes! All the time!
-sh*t!

-[coughs]
-No! Why the f*ck would you do that?

Because I'm not a dork!

I'm the first Black president
of these United States.

And my wife is even cooler than me!
[chuckles]

-Quinta, we are so f*cked, man.
-Oh, God!

She gonna be even weirder
now that she high.

-[hip hop music plays]
-♪ Missy, go ahead, let it slap ♪

Ai-ida! I must be dazed and confused

because I'm pretty sure
I just saw Santa doing parkour!

Ho! Ho!

Ho!

Ho! [grunts]

Merry Thanksgiving!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! [grunts]

So, Val, when your family abandoned Jay
over spring break and I called your mom,

was it you who farted into the phone?

-Mom!
-It's okay, I'm a Bilzerian.

I was raised by a deeply flawed patriarch,
which is why it's so lovely to be here.

There's a real warmth in this home.

Oh, yeah, like the warmth of the cum
on the cr*cker you tried to make me eat?

This guy almost ruined Triscuits for me!

You jizzed on our couch a week ago!

Okay, that's my cue. Back to the kitchen.

These guys are right.

I've done things in my past
that I'm not proud of,

but I'm different with Leah.

She's really very special.

Oh, well, yes. She is very special.

Aww, you're special, too, babe.

This is so unfair!

A piece of sh*t like Val Bilzerian
gets to find love?

And you, a certified snack,
is rejected by Jessi?

This is a f*cking joke.

Thanksgiving is about
bringing people together!

Oh, my God, I love your hat.

I made it at school. It's made of paper.

Are you very old or very young?

Well, time is a flatbread pizza,
so you do you, baby.

You okay, babe?

You've hardly touched
your mini spanakopitas.

Yeah, I'm just not super hungry right now.

Ooh! Hard to have an appetite
when you're about to get dumped!

-[all laugh]
-f*ckin' chump.

Greg, do you remember
our first Thanksgiving as a family?

Oh, yeah!

Jellybean, we'd just had you,

and your mother was exhausted,
so I had to be hunter and gatherer.

He went to Quiznos.

-[both laugh]
-Okay, Your Honor,

but in my defense,
you said you wanted a hot meal.

Oh, man, my uncle had a heart att*ck
in a Quiznos.

Oh, that's a bummer, babe.

Read the room, Caitlin. Damn!

Seriously, dude, love is being rekindled.

Rekindled like a mofo!

[tapping] Excuse me.

Everyone, all this talk of family
makes me feel like

this is the perfect time to share
a big announcement with you, Jellybean.

Really, Greg? Now?

Oh, my God, is he about to dump Caitlin
for my mom on Thanksgiving?

Hey, Cheese Girl, have fun finding
discount d*ck on Black Friday!

-Caitlin and I…
-Holy sh*t!

…are baking a brie in her tummy!
[chuckles]

-Wait, what?
-What?

We are having a baby!

-No!
-Oh, sh*t.

We're starting a family!

You already have a family, assh*le!

And we don't want a damn cheese baby!

I'm lactose intolerant!

Um, can I please be excused?

-Oh, Jessi--
-Jellybean, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just, um,
need to get out of here right now. [cries]

Hey! Vidal Sassoon! What do you think
of my turkey? It's good, right?

Oh, it's very good, Mr. Glouberman.

Diane! What do you think of my turkey?
Doesn't it make you hate your husband?

No, but it is very moist, Marty.
What's your secret?

-Anger!
-Of course.

You've got to insult it!

That's what keeps the juices in.

I learned that trick from my father,
and he learned it from his father.

That's the Glouberman way.

I remember every Thanksgiving,
my dad standing over that worthless bird.

You stupid turkey.

My family is gonna eat you and then
sh*t you out because you are nothing!

And before him was my Zaide Shlomo.

You see, in the Depression,
all he had was a street pigeon,

but he would berate it
until it tasted like a turkey!

You stupid pigeon,
you're a repulsive bird.

You're a rat with wings,
that's all you are.

And who can forget
my great Zaide Chaim in the shtetl?

There was no fowl of any sort!

You shmegegge cabbage!

God wouldn't even grant you
the honor of being a lettuce!

[claps]

Ooph, you spin quite a yarn, Father.
[clears throat]

But tonight,
I won't be eating your trunk turkey.

Oh, God.

What do you mean,
you're not eating my turkey?

It shall not pass my lips!

-Oh, yes, it shall pass!
-Ah!

-You're gonna eat my turkey.
-The hell I am, you old bitch!

-Holy sh*t!
-Marty, Andrew, knock it off!

I'm not eating Fernando.
He's a good listener.

-Elliot, do something!
-[grunts] Hey!

Go, Andrew. Go, Marty!
It's Thanksgiving! I love you.

-Marty!
-[Andrew] Ah!

-Eat it, you ungrateful little bastard!
-Hold his nose.

I hate you!

I wish Dr. Birch was my dad!

And I wish the turkey was my son!

That's enough, you two! We're leaving!

Elliot, Diane,
I'm sure you regret inviting us.

-Only a little bit.
-Oh, yeah? Well, I'm taking my turkey.

Come on! In the box. Let's go.

Andrew, I made a video of you
getting force-fed by your daddy

-for your future therapist.
-[grunting]

I'm gonna call it,
"Papa face-fucks son with meat."

I am ready to chow down, everybody!
Just throw it into my mouth.

-[laughs]
-Missy, be cool.

I actually think I'm very cool
with these big-ass fingy-tips.

Oh sh*t, this bitch gon' get us caught!

[in French accent] Ooh, la, la,
she's so beautiful! [laughs]

[clinks glass] Well, family,
I'd like to start off

by acknowledging that
we are on indigenous land.

-And of course…
-[chuckles]

…I'd like to thank my sweet Monica,

because this heart of mine
beats for nobody but you, baby!

Ooh!

[Cyrus grunts]

-Whoa! Cyrus!
-[clatters]

-Did I do that?
-[laughing]

[sitcom music plays]

Missy, what's gotten into you?

That baby is high as hell.

-High? No!
-What?

I'm not high, I'm low!

Oh, my God, my daughter is
under the influence of dr*gs!

Girls, what the hell happened
on that walk?

-Lena gave her weed!
-Whoa, no, no. Missy took the weed.

I can't believe you hooligans were
smoking marijuana in front of her!

Cyrus-Byrus Foreman-Greenwald, I know
you not calling my babies "hooligans"!

-Yeah!
-Thanks, Mom!

Shut it. You two are f*cked!

-Missy, what the hell?
-Why do you always have to act so lame?

Oh… Oh…

Mona, I don't like being stoned anymore!

I'm freaking out too.

Your grandma is staring right in my eyes.

I think she can see me.

You need to leave, Mona.

Oh, sh*t!

Merry Thanksgiving, you sad little f*ck.

Jesus, Jay. What are you doing in my garb…
Oh, are you gonna f*ck the turkey?

What? I'd never f*ck a turkey that's been
in the trash. Please think better of me.

-Okay.
-Trash turkey?

[chuckles] Now, that's for eating!

Did you know that Val and Leah are dating?

What? [grunts]

Oh, my God! That's incredible.

-This means I'm gonna be your uncle!
-No, it doesn't.

Hey, don't talk to Uncle Jay like that.
You treat me with respect! [snaps belt]

Jay, get the f*ck out of my house.

Luda! [whistles]

-Let's roll.
-[barking] Rrr.

Rrrin. Bin.
I took a sh*t in the recycling bin.

[Andrew] My dad's such an assh*le.

I'm angry,
I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated.

I'm all these things, Maury.

Honestly, I don't know what to say.

-Oh, perhaps the audience should decide.
-What?

Should I tell Andrew
to jack off or k*ll himself?

-No, oh, don't… No, no.
-Text "Jack" or "Die" to 6969.

What the f*ck?

Ooh, that was close.

That's chilling.

And these are fans of the show.

-I hope you can still get hard now.
-How can I get hard? I'm starving!

Well, there's still
some trunk turkey left.

-Hmm.
-Get a little white meat

so you can pound your white meat?

Get some gravy so you can make your gravy.

-Get some stuffing so--
-Okay, we get it. Enough.

Well, why don't we go to the audience
to see if they want one more?

Oh, come on,
why did you even put that as an option?

I didn't. It's truly chilling.

[sighs] How are you okay with this?

I don't know.
Caitlin and your father are a good fit.

You mean they're both stupid
and don't know how condoms work?

Jessi, you know
your father can't afford condoms.

The point is,
Caitlin makes your dad happy.

-But you and Dad were laughing together.
-We're trying to get along.

I just-- It looked like maybe you guys
would, um, I don't know. Nev-never mind.

Oh, sweetie, did you think--

It's stupid. I know. Just forget it.

Honey, I love your dad,

and because of you, we are always
going to be in each other's lives,

but I like women.

I wanna smooch 'em, I wanna hug 'em,
I wanna sniff 'em, I wanna--

-Okay, Mom.
-They're yummy. What can I say?

Knock, knock?
Hey, Jellybean. How are you feeling?

-Not good, Dad.
-Maybe this will cheer you up.

Are you ready to meet the cheese baby?

-What are you talking about?
-Isn't it adorable?

[in monstrous voice] My name
is Cheese Baby! Change my diaper!

Oh, f*ck,
its teeth are like sharp crackers!

Let me grab your hair
with my fat little fist!

Oh, no, the Cheese Baby
is popping all the balloons!

-[Jessi] What?
-[Greg] Okay.

We need to get rid of some dead weight.
Sorry, Jessi!

-[Jessi] Hey!
-[grunts]

-Ah!
-Condoms are for millionaires.

-Jessi! This is terrible!
-I know!

Good thing none of it's real!

Ow! Would you please stop hitting me?

Okay. Next time, I'll poke you
in the tuckus with a pitchfork.

Jess, are you okay?

I, um…
I think I just need to get some air.

-[door closes]
-Ooph, this place is a dump. [sips]

-What's up, little guy?
-Hey, you know what? I'm onto you.

Oh, oh, yeah?
What'd you find out, Detective?

That I'm gonna f*ck your sister
until she happy cries?

"Happy cries"? Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm gonna have sex
with your sister in your bed with my d*ck.

-Ew!
-Happy Thanksgiving!

♪ Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble ♪

♪ Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble ♪

[munches]

Oh, sh*t, that bald rage volcano
makes a good turkey.

-Hey.
-Oh, hello, Fernando.

I'm sorry I'm eating you.

It's okay. I'd offer you
some of my juicy ass, but it's all gone.

Oh, yeah. My sweaty father gobbled it up
like it was the antidote to a poison.

The man is a savage. A savage, I say!

He's a lot, for sure, but I've been
thinking about that story he told.

What, with the pigeons and the cabbage?

Yes, but also about how anger has
haunted your family for generations.

You know, my Zaide used to brag
that he invented road rage.

And this is your father's
first Thanksgiving without Zaide.

Yes? That must be very hard for him.

Oh, I don't think he has real feelings.

He only seems to care
about his ultra suede seats

and his stupid turkey. No offense.

None taken.

But is it possible
that I am more than just a turkey?

How do you mean? Like a goose?

Oh, goose is a garbage bird. No!

What I'm saying is
maybe all of those angry Gloubermans

express their love
by cooking a delicious turkey.

Hold on, juicy turkey.

Are you saying that
you are my father's love language?

-Perhaps.
-Oh, God.

He was trying to shove his love
into my mouth by force, and I refused.

Yes, you were too busy reacting
to his anger with your own anger.

Wow, you're
a freakishly perceptive turkey.

It's the hormones. [chuckles]

But Andrew, maybe you can break
the cycle of Glouberman rage.

What do you think, audience?

Should he break the cycle or should--

No, no! No more votes.

I'm gonna make my own choices.

Oy, yoy, yoy. Ugh.

Chilling.

Oh, Mona, now my cousins hate me!

Oh, your life is total shite!

Melissa, I never thought I'd have
to say this to you, but you're grounded.

No more after-school activities!

Who cares? Nobody wants
to hang out with me anyway.

It's a moot point.

Well, then, no more NPR!

Their programming has become stale!

Okay, you're clearly still high as a kite!

You, go to your room!

Fine! I'd like to do that,

and I'm taking some pie.

No, Missy.

♪ No carob pie, no carob pie ♪

♪ No piece for you because you got high ♪

This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Except for the first one!

What we did to the indigenous people
of this land is shameful!

"Pie" means vag*na.

That's the second thing they teach you
at hormone monster school.

Mmm. God damn, this is some good vag*na.

-[both moaning softly, kissing]
-Tonight was really special.

Usually on Thanksgiving, I have to coax
my mom off the roof with pills. [chuckles]

Aw, I had a nice time too.

[kisses]

Hey! You--you need to know something.

Ew! Were you watching us?

Yeah, whatever. It doesn't…
That's not what's important.

Guess what
the Talented Mr. Rip-ass told me.

-You mean Val?
-Yeah.

That f*cking con artist said he wants
to have sex with you until you happy cry.

Whoa!

That sounds like
a very positive experience.

And none of your business.

Good night, Nick!

What the f*ck?

Val is a bad guy, and Leah doesn't care?

And you're a good guy,
and Jessi doesn't care.

Isn't love just the worst?

Wait, hold on. How can you say that?

You're a lovebug.

Which means I know it better than anyone.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

being with a girl is as exhilarating
as holding a star in your hand.

-Really?
-But up close,

that star will explode in your face
and melt the skin off your bones.

Oh, great. Well, thanks for showing up
and ruining my f*cking life.

Now, hold on, little fella.

Oh, Jesus, the Gratitoad. Here we go.

-Oh, sure, it's Thanksgiving.
-Ew. No.

When I'm down in the dumpers,

I like to make a list of all the things

that I'm grateful for.

f*ck that!

♪ Oh, I'm grateful for my family ♪

Come on, everybody! Oing!

-Feel any better?
-A little.

I like the sound he made when you hit him.

Well, this is it.
The last of my Halloween candy.

The wrapper says "fun size",
but it doesn't feel fun.

[snorts] Oh, my gosh,
should I do stand-up? Go, Lola!

Oh, man, I can't wait to get home
and eat all this inside the bathtub.

-[whimpering]
-What's that?

Lola? Oh, f*ck.

-[doorbell rings]
-Huh! A clatter outside.

Whomst ever could it be?

Gasp! A cornucopia!

Father Thanksgiving
has truly smiled upon me this year.

[sighs]

Come on, Luda,

let's go home and see if there's any
burnt cheese at the bottom of the toaster.

[barks] Rrrrrst. Rrressed. Stressed.

Stressed.
I'm already stressed about Christmas.

Hey! What do you want?

I had some of your turkey,
and it was really good.

Yeah? Well, you shoulda had it
when it was hot.

You're right, Dad.
I should've had it when it was hot.

Wait--wait a minute! Wait a minute!

What, are you agreeing with me?

You trying to get back
on my health insurance?

No, no. I know, they're all crooks.

I just wanted to talk.

Dad, was it hard
not going to Florida this year?

I don't know.
You know, it was, um… It was different.

Yeah, I-I-I thought so too.

So do you, you know… Do you miss Zaide?

Of course I miss him. He's my father.
What kind of a question is that?

But, Dad, he was so mean.

He wasn't mean, he was tough.

You know, he was tough like I'm tough,

and maybe he didn't always know
how to say it, but I knew he loved me.

I love you too, Dad.

Uh, um,
I'm glad you liked the turkey, son.

And, uh, in retrospect,

I'm sorry for how I voted in those polls.

[panting, rings doorbell]

Oh, hey, you're here.
[chuckles] What's going on?

Look, I, um, I know
you're still mad at me about Samira,

but my life's a f*cked-up mess
and I just really need someone to talk to.

Oh, sh*t. Uh, okay.
[chuckles nervously] What's wrong?

[sighs] My parents
are never getting back together.

Oh, honey Jew-Jew.

And my dad and Cheese Girl are having
a demon cheese baby with cr*cker teeth.

Putting a pin in that.

And I think my family
is really officially over. [cries]

I'm sorry, Jessi, that sucks!

Look, I'm sorry…
I'm sorry I broke up you and Samira.

Oh, uh, that's okay.

It's not your fault,
even though it kind of is.

Uh, but I still love you.

[inhales] I love you too.

Ugh! Isn't she the f*cking best?

Yeah, she really is.

I'm glad you came over. I've missed you.

I missed you too.

-[kisses]
-Um…

Jessi, this is totally hot!

I know!

I did not see that coming.

Too bad it's not real. Pitchfork!

Ow!

-What the f*ck?
-I told ya the slap was better.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm sorry. I actually, um…
I need to get back home, okay?

Um, thank you for talking to me. Bye.

Wait, Jessi!
Don't you wanna French her for real?

Oh! Oh, hey Gratitoad!

Oh, hey, Connie! Happy Thanksgiving.

I, for one, am grateful
for your ample bosom.

-Permission to motorboat you, please?
-It's Thanksgiving, baby. Gobble away!

[blubbers]

-Thanks for the mammaries!
-[laughs] Happy Thanksgiving indeed!

["Gratitude" by Earth, Wind & Fire plays]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Wanna thank you ♪

♪ Wanna thank you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Wanna thank you ♪

♪ Holy sound ♪

♪ Holy sound ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Freedom in your stride
Love, and peace of mind ♪

♪ We just wanna give gratitude ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[grunts]

♪ We got plenty love we wanna give you ♪