05x10 - Re-New Year's Eve

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

-[phone chimes]
-Hey, Devin and Devon are having

a New Year's Eve party tonight.

Oh! New Year's.

When the ball drops,
you better find someone

to kiss your balls
as they drop into their mouth. [chuckles]

Hey-yo! The producers are finally
letting me write my own jokes.

Cool. "Please join us
for a Re-New Year's Eve party

as we renew our vows for the year ahead.

Black-tie enforced"?

Do you think that little sh*t
Nick is gonna be there?

Because if he is, that party is gonna
turn into a f*cking funeral, brother.

I was this close to touching
a real-life boob, and Nick ruined it!

You should go to the bastard's house
and give him a piece of your mind.

Oh, you're right. I should!

I'm gonna go let him have it,
Marty Glouberman style.

Yes! Ask for a refund on your friendship.

No one fucks with Andrew, baby!

You're a man, Andrew,
with a d*ck of steel and a g*n for an ass.

Go get 'em!

-[chimes]
-I don't wanna show up

at a shitty New Year's Eve party
with a dumb broken leg.

Not to mention your cast
smells like a pile of hot Band-Aids.

This is all your fault, Walter.

[laughs] My fault?

You broke your own damn leg,

you pocket diva.

No, no, no, no, no.
You made me fall in love with Jessi.

Then you made me hate everybody
and go down that stupid f*cking mountain.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

I did all of that?

Yeah, you're the reason my life sucks.

You know what? f*ck this.

I am D-O-N-E done with your sniveling ass.

Toodle-oo, bitch!

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Don't you dare leave
while I'm f*cking talking.

-[grunting]
-Get off me, you weak-ass gimp!

Dr. Birch,
I need to talk to your miserable son.

And I need to talk to whoever cuts
your hair because you look dynamite,

and I love you.

[both grunting]

[screams, rattles] Don't you ever
grab a grown worm's tail!

-[inhales] Nicholas Birch-- Whoa! Jesus!
-[both grunting]

What the hell is that thing?

Oh, sh*t. I'm sure they'll be right out.

-[toilet flushes]
-Do not go in there

unless you want to see
doo-doo in the sink!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

Maury, what the f*ck was that snake thing?

Not a snake, a hate worm.

They're creatures that infect your soul
with a lust for animus and v*olence.

So, like, bad vibes?

Yeah, bad vibes.

But now Nick is outta your life.

He's Criminal Minds, baby. He's canceled.

He's off the air, and we don't care.

But, Maury, we gotta get Nick back!

You can't lose eight kids
and not expect a pay cut, man!

I'm trying to buy a trampoline over here!

Why should we help Nick?
Did you not hear about my titty tragedy?

Pretty please, Maury?

With a booger on top?

Ugh, fine. I'll help.
But only for you, Rick.

You know,
Rick once helped me out of a Costco.

You can't find the exit in those places.

You just gotta look for the entrance.

The entrance is the exit, man!

Voilà, baby!

All right, I'll come, but only because
I, too, have been lost in a Costco,

and it is scary.

Road trip!

-Ah!
-Pack your bags, baby!

The girls are headed to sunny San Diego!

Whoo-hoo!

-[Mona] Ooh, a New Year's Eve party!
-[buzzing]

Missy, let's get out
of this dirty fart room

and see some actual human beings.

f*ck that!
You don't want to see those lowlifes.

-[knock at door]
-Who the fudge is that?

Don't make me go in there, Monica.
[stammers] She's a hate b*mb.

But it's your turn, Cyrus.

-[crinkles]
-[Cyrus groans]

-[exhales] Okay, you can do this.
-[tense music plays]

She's just a 13-year-old girl.

If you're here to calm me down,
fat man, it's not gonna happen!

[Cyrus] Hey now, honey.

I, uh, just wanted to tell you

-I know how you feel.
-[b*mb ticking, beeping]

-Let me get this straight, Dad.
-[exhales]

You think a 50-year-old, bald nerd
who wears a radish bra knows how I feel?

[Cyrus] Well, now,
I--I don't wear the bra.

Ooh! Drop some salt on this old bitch.

-You want to know how I feel, Cyrus Byrus?
-[tense music rises]

-Well, I hate you and I hate your wife!
-You mean your mother?

And I hate Jessi, I hate Ali, Nick,

my messed-up hair, my gross bacne,

and I hate carob too!

It doesn't taste like chocolate,
it tastes like crap!

[Cyrus] Oh, Missy! Not carob!

-f*ck carob and f*ck you too! [screams]
-[high-pitched beep]

[Cyrus] Oh, sh*t!

How'd it go?

[sizzling] Let's just say,
"I wear the bra."

-You do?
-No!

[both kissing] Mmm.

Ah, Jay's pants car is a Wonderland.

I just found this sexy pair
of Emeril Lagasse bootcut jeans from 2002.

I am having a weirdly amazing time.

Me too, and look!
A pair of pants with a butt zipper.

They're perfect for
getting your ass eaten on the go.

-Ugh.
-Hey, Matthew,

what has 50 teeth
and a big brown eye in the middle?

Huh? What's that?
I can't write my own jokes anymore?

Okay, well, I guess you don't want
the show to be funny.

Hey, Matthew. I was thinking,

maybe we can go
to the Devins' New Year's party,

dot, dot, dot, together?

-Yes, yes!
-Yes.

-Yes?
-Yes!

Yes!

[howls]

New Year's wolf!

Come on, Matthew, howl with me.

-Well, I don't know if howling's my thing…
-Oh.

…'cause I'm more of a swan, bitch.

♪ New Year's Swan! ♪

Oh!

You know what would really make
your dirty swan ass sh*t out an egg?

[laughs]

If we took this naughty girl for a spin.

Wait, what? This car turns on?

Duh! It's only got 600,000 miles on it.

Come on, how about a little joyride?

Oh, sh*t! This kid is a madman.

-What the f*ck are you wearing?
-It's a denim gimp suit, after all.

-Matthew, I absolutely love it.
-[Jay] Ha ha!

-Here we go!
-Jay, no. It's icy out.

This is an old car. You're a child.
You can't be on the road.

Roads? Where we're going,
we don't need roads,

'cause I drive on the sidewalk, baby.

-[tires squeal]
-[screams]

-[both grunt]
-You better back the f*ck up!

-Ah! Wait. Wait.
-[rattles]

Where are you going?
You can't just leave me here.

[laughs] Bitch, I just did.

sh*t!

Excuse me, sir, I need a little help.

-Hey, octopus lady--
-Uh, no.

-You, walking clump of noodles--
-Sorry, I don't have any change.

Jesus, everyone up here's an assh*le too.

Wah wah, take it
to the Complaints Department, kid.

The Complaints Department?
Perfect. Where--where is that?

Follow me. I'm gonna complain
about how my d*ck pops out of my head

every time I get pissed off.

Look at this thing.

I just don't get why Missy is so angry.

She had an idea, I had an idea.
People just liked mine more.

People. Like. Your. sh*t!
You can't help it.

That's called charisma.
Seahorse Ronan got the same problem.

-I think her name is Saoirse.
-No, that's not a name.

Jessi, didn't Missy try talking to you
about how you took over her affinity group

and you kind of blew her off?

I mean, I remember her
coming up to me at school,

but I don't really remember
anything she said.

Now, see, if Seahorse was saying it,
you'd remember that sh*t.

Well, there's this bummer guy
at the office and he sort of sucks a lot,

but I think he might be able to help you.

-[sinister music plays]
-Ha ha! That's right, Sonya,

because sometimes
shame is so very appropriate.

Oh, God, not him. He's awful.

I was just gonna say
the same thing about you.

Whoa, what's happening? Is that me?

Yes, you're experiencing this moment
with Missy through her eyes.

[Missy] Jessi,
you took over my affinity group,

and I'm not saying that you need
to smooch my booty, but you know what?

You should apologize!

Fine. I am sorry, I guess,
for helping you get rid of the mascot,

-which is exactly what you wanted.
-Ooph!

Damn. This didn't seem
bitchy to you at the time?

[Missy] That's not…

I don't think you should come
to the affinity group meetings anymore.

Oh, no, I can't come
to your boring meetings?

That's such a bummer.

Aw…

Oh, God, I said all that?

-Oh, I'm so ashamed.
-[in sing-song] Nailed it!

I just rolled right over her
without realizing it.

Who acts like that?

Most of the time it is the white people.

[hesitantly] Also, back then,
you were so into Ali,

you didn't give a hot sh*t
about anyone else,

and that's kind of my fault.

No, no, that's on me.

Ladies, please.

It's all your faults.

#BlameWomen!

[indistinct chatter]

So you'd like to lodge a complaint
against your daughter.

-[Cyrus] She says I wear a radish bra.
-Well, do you wear the bra?

-No, I don't wear a bra!
-Okay, sir, no need to holler. Hooph!

Between you and me,
I think he wears the bra.

-What?
-How can I help you, cutie pie?

One of your g*dd*mn hate worms
left me here to die.

Oh, dearie, well,
that isn't super-duper, is it? [laughs]

-Name?
-Nick Birch.

Oh, boy. You have quite the file here.

Yeah, because I've been f*cked over
by every monster you've ever given me.

Walter, Rick, Tyler,
the Shame Wizard, Tito, Connie!

This whole operation is a sh*t show.

Gosh, I don't care for the cusses,
Mr. Denis Leary.

I don't give a rat's ass, I want answers.
I want to speak to whoever is in charge.

Oh, well, that's actually a great idea.

Good. Finally.

A-a little respect. Thank you.

-End of the hall, red elevator, top floor.
-[eerie music plays]

Well, go on now.

It's just the one
with the throbbing red door.

Uh…

Oh, it's okay, sweetheart,
you're just getting what you asked for.

-[eerie sting]
-[light crackles]

Okay, well, Nick was
with a hate worm named Walter,

and this is the Hate Division.

This place gives me the creeps, Maury!

What if get too scared

-and I doo-doo in a sink?
-Ahh!

-[Andrew] Oh, my God.
-Holy sh*t!

Andrew Glouberman?

-Guys, come here, it's him.
-[groans]

You're that hateful maniac that yanked
that kid out of his wheelchair.

f*ck, I love you!

Oh, remember when
he went to the n*zi meeting?

You're such a d*ck!
Hey, do you think I could get a selfie?

Maury, I-I'm uncomfortable
with my new celebrity.

Well, you did do all those things.

-Ooh! Do something terrible right now.
-Excuse me?

s*ab me! s*ab me in the ear.
It would be an honor.

Yeah, come on, assh*le. Do it.

s*ab him in the neck, not the ear.

What is this, a f*cking Claire's?

Walter, we were just looking for you.
Where's Nick?

No clue, Maurice.

I left that little dribble of piss
to rot and die.

Completely understandable.

And what exactly are you doing here?

Uh, looking for Nick.

[laughs] You know he thinks
you're a hemorrhoid with glasses, right?

Those were his exact words?

[rattles] Doesn't that make you
just hate his little guts?

-I mean…
-You need a hate worm, and I'm tech avail.

Well, you have done
incredible work with Nick.

Oh, honey. I'm the best.

But no, no, I can't. I know what it's like
to go to those dark and angry places.

And I don't hate Nick. I want to help him.

-[groans]
-Boo!

-What a crock!
-Never meet your heroes.

Come on, Maury, we gotta keep looking
for that mean little assh*le.

-Ugh, fine. Wait, where's Rick?
-[toilet flushes]

Go! Go! Go! I did it!
I doo-doo'd the sink!

What? Why do you keep flushing, then?

I like the sound, man!
Just go! Run! Run! Run! Run!

Oh, Knights of St. Joseph,
I'm in utter shambles,

for my relationship with Jay
seems, like, totally done-zo!

Please, your grace,

I beg of thee not to roost in such sorrow.

But I hurt him so badly,
and it was absolutely on purpose.

Just as I asked my hamster Eli
after his untimely death,

"Why do we microwave
the ones we love the most?" [thuds]

-[sobs]
-You know, 'tis only a matter of time

before we see
the inside of that microwave.

Shall we tell her of the prophecy?

Prophecy? [sniffles]

Of what prophecy… [gasps]

…do you talk of?

Your Highness, we speak of a prophecy
delivered unto thee years ago

about your romantic destiny.

Listening.

Who's that?

-Ah, 'tis thee as a babe, Your Majesty.
-[angelic choir] ♪ Ah! ♪

Like, honestly, goo-goo.

Tiny princess, thou are fated
to find a love pure of heart.

Neither father nor mother shall he have.

And, uh, a crown shalt rest upon his head.

Oh, my goo-goo.

Oh, my God, this is stunning news.

That prophecy totally refers to Jay.

[gasps] He's my true love!

Well, it may refer to many suitors,
My Queen.

No, it's totally him!

Jay is basically an orphan,
and the crown is his spiky hair!

-Case closed!
-I worry that you're reaching, My Lady.

Yeah, reaching for the microwave
if you don't shut up.

-Oh yeah, case closed.
-Yeah, no, I think it's Jay.

Get ready, Jay,
this queen is coming for her f*cking king!

[typing] What the barf is that?

I know you don't want to talk to me,

but there's someone else
who might know how you feel.

Hey, girl!

We are not her girl. Hang up!

No! I want to see her face
when I rip her a new dookie chute.

Why'd you call, Quinta?
To fart down my throat?

Okay, no, I've actually been feeling bad

about how things
went down on Thanksgiving.

-What?
-f*ck that.

And Uncle Cyrus said you've been
holed up in your room all break,

pissing in jars and sh*t.

You don't look too good. You okay?

What do you care how I look?

You said my braids
look like Frederick Douglass.

[chuckling] I'm sorry.

As funny as that was,
you didn't deserve it.

-Yeah, I didn't.
-Come on, let me help you with your hair.

Yes, please!

Bump that noise.

This piece of sh*t can't help you.
She's a piece of sh*t.

-[Missy] Ah!
-She's not a piece of sh*t! She's Quinta!

She's my favorite one in the whole family.

-[Missy straining]
-She knows cool music and calls men hoes!

Yeah, she's my cousin…

[grunts] …and I love her!

No, no, no, Missy, hang up.

Quinta! I want your help!

Okay, why are you yelling, girl?

Chill out.

-[elevator dings]
-Oh, what the hell?

Kroll Show? Oh, Hello on Broadway?

Huh, Big Mouth.

[knocks on door] Hello?

-Hey! Yeah, come in.
-[Nick] Whoa!

Yeah, yeah, come on in.

Look at you! Little me. You look great.

What the f*ck?

Who are you,
and why do you look, like, so weird?

I'm, uh, Nick Kroll, creator of Big Mouth,

and I guess, like,
grown-up, real-life you.

That's very strange.

Oh, yeah, I know.

It's a very big swing.
We'll see if it works, but not right now.

Right now,
we're gonna cut to the next scene.

"Next scene"? What?

"Interior: Jay's Pants Car."

Jay has a pants car? That sounds fun!

-[car horns honking]
-Holy sh*t, Maury. This is insane.

I know. And why does Jay have
a "Baby on board" sign?

Is there a baby under the pants?

-Driving wolf! [howls]
-Whoa, Jay, what the hell are you doing?

What? I like to speed and throw pants
out the window at strangers.

-[grunts]
-[tires squeal]

I have proof who the Ponytail k*ller is.
It's-- [grunts]

Oh, my God.
That guy just got hit by a car!

♪ Driving swan! ♪

No. No driving swan.

Stop the car, Jay. Stop the car!

-[tires squeal]
-[both grunt]

[sighs] Wow!

I didn't even fly
through the windshield this time.

I'm getting better at this.

Holy sh*t! You're insane, Jay.

Yeah! Thank you! Let's make out.

No! You almost k*lled us.

You're like a--a feral beast that needs
to be put down before it bites a toddler.

Wait. I thought
that's what you liked about me.

I thought so too, until you caused
that violent denim pile up.

"Violent denim pile up"?

That's what I call
my threesomes with Jay Leno

and his lovely wife of 40 years,

Mavis Leno.

Oh, I see.

Perfect Matthew doesn't want
a "hit-and-run on his permanent record."

You probably don't think
I should be driving.

Of course not!
You just crashed into a fire hydrant, Jay!

You know what?

Maybe a wolf and a swan
are just too different.

One's a dog,
and the other's a water chicken.

"A water chicken"?
How are we in the same grade?

Yeah. I get it, Matthew.

You're better than me,
you're smarter than me,

and you never use
your toenails as a toothpick.

Well, guess what,

Mr. Fancy Fountain at the Mall?

I don't wanna go
to the New Year's party with you anymore.

Well, good, because I don't wanna
go to the party with you.

Perfect. Sounds like
we're all getting what we want.

-[tires squeal]
-Oh…

[Missy] Okay, last one.

I'm gonna slide this down.

Ow! Oh, it hurts.

[chuckles] Of course it hurts, Titties.
You're tender-headed. It'll get easier.

-[Missy winces loudly]
-And you look amazing! Babe alert!

More like Amber Alert.

Who the f*ck is this ugly bitch
that kidnapped Missy?

[Jessi knocks at door] Hey, Missy?
Are you in there?

Jessi? What the hell do you want?

[Jessi] I came to apologize.

Hell no! Tell her to get her raggedy ass

-out of here.
-Um…

Maybe you should hear her out.

Usually, when a white chick
shows up at our house,

they've come to put their face
in Lena's puss.

Well, that's not my preference,
but maybe you're right.

-Okay, bye, Quinta!
-Have fun getting eaten out.

Hey.

You know, if the apology doesn't work,
eating her out is a good Plan B.

Um, I… like your hair.

Boom! If Jessi likes it,
you know it's trash.

Yeah, I'm kinda busy.

So if you're just gonna stand there
like some dumbass statue…

Right, right, right. Sorry.

Um, so, speaking of dumbasses…

[chuckles]

…I would like to apologize for engaging
in dumbassery of the highest order.

Ooph, I farted that one.

Jessi, I think it's time to do oral.

Oh, that apology was weak!

Missy, tell this redheaded potato
to f*ck off.

You were supposed to be my friend.

-And you completely bulldozed me. Twice.
-Mm-hmm!

-I know. I did do that.
-[gentle music plays]

It was shitty,
and I feel like such an assh*le,

and I really am so sorry.

And I miss you.

Boo, you whore!

Yeah. I kinda miss you too.

What are you doing?

This assh*le admitted she's an assh*le.
Why are you giving her an out?

Because she's eating sh*t,

and it's not often
you see an assh*le eating sh*t.

Usually it's quite the opposite.

Maybe I'll see you at the party tonight?

Yeah, maybe.

Great. Um, bye, Missy.

Bye, Jessi.

What the hell was that?
"Bye, Jessi. Maybe I'll go to the party."

I don't want to be
hateful anymore, Rochelle.

I'm a loving person!

-You're a f*cking dork!
-Yeah, I'm a dork.

-And I love that about myself.
-What?

-I love my dorky mom, my dorky dad…
-[wincing] Oh, sh*t!

-…and his dorky radish bra.
-f*ck all them!

-And you know what? I love dorky carob!
-No!

-Yes!
-Oh!

-No!
-It's delicious, caffeine-free,

and packed with calcium!

-Ahh!
-[Mona] Amen!

And heck, I love you, Mona!

-I love you too, darling.
-[grunts]

You flimsy b*tches are pathetic.

Well, you're not.

You've really helped me
to stand up for myself, Rochelle.

And darn it, I gotta say it.

Don't you dare.

-I love you too!
-[screams]

-[groaning, yelping]
-[Missy] Ah!

-[Mona] Oh, sh*t!
-[Missy whimpers]

[continues groaning]

Oh, my God, Rochelle. Are you okay?

I… am… fabulous!

Just fabulous.

Look at my cute-ass wings!

I missed being a lovebug.

Yeah, I missed being a lovebug too!

You look amazing, by the way!

Almost as good as your hair, girl.

[gasps] You like it?
I knew you were lying.

I was, baby girl. I was just hangry.
You know how that is.

So let me get this straight.

You're using me and this whole show
to work through your own sh*t

from when you were a kid?

Well, mine and all the other writers',
but… but yeah, mostly mine.

What the f*ck?

Where do you get the gall
to create me just to t*rture me?

Great use of the word "gall."

No, you're the writer,
you wrote that line.

Y-you're just complimenting yourself.

No, we're writing this together
right now, you and me.

Look, it's blank.
What do you want to say next?

I want to know what I'm doing up here.

Well, you demanded to be up here
because you're such a hateful little sh*t

and you wanted somebody to blame.

Honestly, you're making me look bad.

You're making me look bad.

We're making each other look bad.

Okay, so what the hell are we
supposed to do about it?

Well, personally, I'm doing quite well,
but maybe you could go f*ck yourself.

-What?
-[chuckles] I'm kidding. I'm joking.

This scene needs some jokes,
but honestly, all joking aside,

you are being a whiny little bitch.

You know what? f*ck you, Nick Kroll.

This is my life.

I'm being screwed over at every turn…

[stammers] …and everybody hates me.

Yeah, because hate is
what you are putting out there, man!

It's not my fault. Walter came in and--

No, no.

No. I don't wanna hear about Walter,
and I don't want to hear about Rick.

[as Rick] Okay, man?

[normal voice] We all have
our own monsters, hormones,

anxiety, depression, hate.

It's all about how you deal with them.

Your monsters are you.

-What?
-Yeah.

It's all you, buddy.

So all the sh*t I've been
blaming Walter for is kind of my fault?

Yeah, basically.

You wanted to know who's in charge?
Well, it's you.

f*ck me.

[chuckles] Yeah!
That's why I said, "Go f*ck yourself!"

So, I'm all alone?

[chuckles] No, you got your crazy family
that loves you too much,

you got all your horny little friends
that jerk off all the time.

Oh, speaking of, there's the horniest
of your little pervy buddies now.

-[Nick] Y-you mean Andrew?
-Yeah. Oh, look, he's all sweaty.

I think he's been looking for you,
or jerking off, or both.

Wow. He really is a good friend, isn't he?

Yeah, he really is.

So it's just about the end of the scene.

Is there anything else
you'd like to ask your future self?

Yeah. Does, um…

Does my, uh, my d*ck get bigger?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it--it gets bigger.

Does it get, like, like, big?

It--it gets bigger.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Hey, Andrew.

Oh, Nick, I found you!

I can't believe you came for me,
even though I've been such an assh*le.

Listen, I know how tempting it is to hate,

but I'm choosing love, honey.

Because I love you, Nick.

I love you too, buddy.

-[whooshing]
-Oh! That melts my heart.

[Nick] Walter!

Hello, my big-headed angel baby.

You're back.

Sweetheart, I never left.

Well, but you were a hate worm.

And I loved being a hate worm,

but I hated not being a lovebug.

Wow, they're really
"going through changes," huh, Maury?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the song. LOL.

Listen, can I write my own jokes again?

No, I--I don't like saying 'em.

-Hold on. You voice me?
-Yeah.

Oh, bummer! I thought I was Will Arnett.

Yeah, a lot of people think that.

-Wow, that's, uh… That's disappointing.
-Well, maybe people think that I'm Bojack.

No, nobody thinks that.

Yeah, I know.

-[music playing over stereo]
-All right! I'm DJ Pendejo,

and this is Devin and Devon's
Re-New Year's Rockin' New Year's Eve!

-[DJ air horn plays]
-And now,

to re-New Year their vows, your hosts,

Ryan Seahorse and Seahorse Ronan!

Devin, I vow to look at the ground
when other girls are nearby.

Even my mommy.

Devon, I vow to be your loving wife

until high school starts.

-[all cheering]
-Okay, make sure you find someone

to do kissies with at midnight,
or you'll turn into a pumpkin,

and I should know because I'm a pumpkin.

[Jay sighs]

I don't think I'll be
kissing anyone tonight, Steve.

I guess I'm just destined
to ride this Earth alone

in a car full of pants
with no one in the passenger seat.

I have seeds
and orange spaghetti in my brain.

Oh, all right! Music. That's a fun choice.

Oh, God, there's Jessi.
I think I should go talk to her.

Yeah, you do that.

I'm gonna hit the dance floor
and jiggle this creamy bowl of chowder.

[dance music playing]

Wow. Andrew's butt is hypnotic.

I can't look away.

Yeah, it really is shockingly
the story of the season.

Uh, hey, guys. Happy New Year!

Missy! You came!

Are you here to kick my ass again?

Lead with love, baby.

No, I'm--I'm here to apologize
for gossiping about you

and for ripping out your retainer

and dunking your favorite highlighter
in the boys' toilet.

-What?
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

This was before
I actually got to b*at your ass.

Okay, well, I guess it's a new year,

so let's start fresh?

[sighs] I'd like that very, very much.

May I ask, is anyone else
feeling the gravitational pull

from Andrew's sweet ass
to the dance floor right now?

Yeah, let's do it!

Hey, Jessi, can we, uh…
Can we talk for a second?

What does this
little Bilbo Baggins bitch want?

What's up, Nick?

Um, I just wanted to say that--
that I've been a real assh*le to you.

Yeah, no sh*t.

Just 'cause you didn't like me back
doesn't mean I get to hate you.

Yeah! Double no sh*t.

And I'm sorry, 'cause it's my fault,

and I totally f*cked up.

Oh! I bet you a woman wrote that line.

Um, thanks. I appreciate that.

Happy New Year, Jessi?

Happy New Year, Nick.

Kiss him. Then headbutt him.
And then kiss him again.

-What?
-I know! I know I'm crazy.

-It's New Year's Eve!
-[grunts]

Hey, guys.

Listen up, Jay Bilzerian,
you are my destiny.

Lola, what are you doing?

Jay, what I did to you
was assuredly heinous.

-And I feel grape remorse about it.
-You do?

I know we've had our rough patches, Jay,

but I truly think
we're perfect for each other.

We're both passionate, deeply neglected,

and we've redefined horniness
for a generation… [chuckles, snorts]

…insomuch we're meant to be together.

Oh, my God.
Am I actually gonna fight Lola for Jay?

Is that who I am now?

It's who you've always been,
Matty Boom-Boom.

Now go!
Go fight for that uncut beef balloon.

f*ck! Maybe you're right, Lola.

I guess we do make sense.

-Jayzerian RicFlairian Bilzerian!
-[howls] Matthew?

I know you said
a wolf and a swan wouldn't work--

-'Cause one's a dog and the other's--
-A water chicken, yes.

But you make me happy, Jay.

So I want a wolf,
a hairy, crazy, uncut wolf.

What in the wide world of shorts
is happening right now?

I like him, Lola. What can I say?

Well, too bad.
You're a day late and a d*ck short.

Jay and I just got back together.
Right, Jay?

Jay, is that true?

Oh, f*ck. f*ck! Hold on. Ah, sh*t!

-Well, Jay?
-Who's it gonna be?

-Yeah, who's it gonna be?
-[sighs] Matthew, I'm sorry.

-But I'm choosing you.
-What?

And Lola,
you're the one that I'm not choosing,

because Matthew's my choice.

-Oh!
-What the f*ck, Jay?

I'm sorry, Lola.

-But I've seen what two wolves can do.
-[gentle music plays]

They tear each other apart,

but Matthew makes me feel good.

Maybe it's time I get my sock wet
with a water chicken.

I can't believe you, Jay.

I hope you have a crappy New Year.

[punches, grunts, sobs]

All right, folks, we're ten seconds away

-from Rosh Hashanah!
-[kids counting down]

Quick consent to kiss you
in front of everyone?

-Happy wolf!
-[kids] Five, four…

-♪ Happy swan! ♪
-…three, two, one. [cheers]

-[Missy] Happy New Year!
-Happy ass!

Ooh, nice ass, Maurice.

If you stick your hand in there,

it'll look like
you're breaking up a fight.

-What if I stick my foot in?
-[laughs]

[both grunting]

We really put these children
through the wringer this year, didn't we?

We sure as hell did.

No, no, no, no, no.
They did it to themselves.

That's what we learned this season.
We are them.

We're them? Wait. f*ck that. I'm me.

Well, apparently I'm Nick Kroll.

Hold up! I thought you was Will Arnett.

Do you still want
to bury your foot in my ass?

Oh, Maury.

-I want to put my whole head up there.
-Wait, what?

-[splat]
-Ooh!

Yeah! [grunts]

-Agh…
-Happy New Year, everybody!

-["Devil Inside" by INXS plays]
-♪ Devil inside, the devil inside ♪

♪ Every single one of us
The devil inside ♪

♪ The devil inside
Devil inside ♪

♪ Every single one of us
The devil inside ♪

♪ Devil inside ♪

♪ Devil inside ♪

♪ Every single one of us
The devil inside ♪

♪ Here come the world ♪

♪ With the look in its eye ♪

♪ Future uncertain but certainly slight ♪

♪ We look at the faces
Listen to the bells ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
We need a place called hell ♪

♪ A place called hell ♪

♪ The devil inside ♪

♪ The devil inside… ♪

[song fades]