02x02 - Looks Blue, Tastes Red

[bunniefuu]

Want to hear my song?

Brichelle, you back the f*ck off!

She got impulse-control issues, you know.

I'm real smart.
I know the whole periodic chart.

- I love science.
- Okay, Tasha.

How about we get you a shaved ice, yes?
What flavor would you like?

- B-But I was-
- Tasha.

Blue.

Ripped By mstoll

That looks vile.

It look blue, but it taste like red.

Blue and red are colors,
darling. They're not flavors.

Well, it's tasty.

I like me somethin' tasty,
'specially on days like now.

People only want the babies.

- Of course they want the babies.
Babies are cute. - I'm cute.

No. You're big.

And, uh, your hair's ratsy.

And you're too eager and too dark.

And now your mouth is blue.

But I suppose it tastes like red.

- You nasty.
- Mm-hmm.

I just call 'em like I see 'em, darlin'.

Your group home in this neighborhood?

How you know I live in a group home?

My dear boy, this feels light to me.

Light ain't right unless you
like sleeping on the street.

Nah, I-it ain't light. It's just big bills.

Well, then, I'll see you
at home for dinner, baby.

Aw, sh*t.

You a connect.

I'm a businesswoman.

I couldn't help hear you
bragging on your science back there.

I'm impressed.

I also know pi.

Your ass tells me you know pie.

Pi. Not “pie.” Up to 56 digits.

You care to learn a trade?

Hell, no.

Not with no connect.

I'd get in trouble.

I'd never find a forever family.

You might want to start thinking about...

making your own forever family, Taystee.

You wait around for one to come along,
you might die waiting.

My name is Tasha.

Yeah, but Taystee suits you somehow.

Like you said, everybody like
a little something “Taystee.”

I'll be keeping my eye on you, Taystee Girl.

See you 'round the way.

This is sweet. Yo, I'd rock this if I wasn't
being all professional.

Why do you care? You know it's all bullshit.

Bullshit or no, I want to win.

Ladies, it's about making
a good first impression.

You got anything in white?
My mother always said that was my color.

Ugh. You can smell every inmate
that's ever worn this.

You ever wash this sh*t?

You got somethin' for the larger woman-
big and beautiful?

We have plus size... on the end there.

Aw, sh*t.
I don't wanna wear no sack.

I got curves.

I'm a “plushious” woman.

If this is really
about career dressing for us...

shouldn't this be all, like,
McDonald's and maids' uniforms?

No. Do not think small.

We are dressing ourselves
for the career that we want.

You have to put it into the universe.
Dress for success.

Take the leopard.

Oh, I didn't see the leopard.

Ooh, that's cute!

What if I want to be,
like, a marine biologist?

You got a wet suit?

If you want to apply for
a job in marine biology...

you might have to go to an office
for an interview.

Ha!

What about this?

The peach tones would look
so good with your skin.

Uh, could somebody help zip me, please?

- Uh, I don't think that's gonna work.
- You calling me fat?

No. I'm just saying that you're, uh-

Yeah, you're broad.
You're like a broad... broad.

She a broad something.

And you a bitch something.

- I'm gonna pull in this side here.
- Careful. Careful.

- And you pull in that side.
- Uh-huh.

And someone's gotta get the zipper.
Okay, we can do this.

- I'll do the zipper. Let's go. Suck it in, girl.
- I am sucking.

Oh, my God.

How's it look?

Like I don't want to be anywhere near you...

when those beads pop off
and sh**t people in the face.

Out of curiosity...

what kind of job were you
thinking of getting in that?

I'm just here playing dress-up.

Ladies, better get moving.

We're walking over to
that chapel in 10 minutes.

I don't have anything.

Hey, uh, can I ask you something?

What would you wear...

if you were going to a job interview...

at a medical supply company in Utica?

Just... hypothetically speaking.

How come Flaca gets to do job fair
and we're stuck here?

'Cause Flaca asked first.

And if I let everybody go,
nobody would be here.

Next time, ask first.

She don't even need job fair.

Her boyfriend's like the king of Molly.

He be selling to every club kid in New York.
That sh*t is blowing up.

What's Molly?

The pure powder form of MDMA.

Supposed to be like a clean ecstasy...

but, uh, it made me grind my teeth.

How come you ain't in jail, Luschek?

I am in jail.

Every f*cking day.

You want the radiator on or off?

- Off. It's hot enough in here.
- And freezing everywhere else.

The pipes in our bathroom froze again.
How about deal with that?

- I'm not a plumber.
- Oh. Our mistake.

You got that whole
ass-cr*ck thing going, so-

Inmate, you want me to give you a sh*t?

Hey. Have a job-fair brownie.

Maria, stop running your mouth
and run the dishwasher.

Daya, ven.

- I've got something for you.
- Thank God. I'm dying.

- Think it's gonna work?
- It should. Drink up, mami.

What are you giving her over there?

- It's nothing.
- It's to help her poop. She's backed up.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- You don't want to hear about my bathroom.

Of course I do.

Okay, Aleida. I haven't sh*t for five days.

You happy?

Ugh!

Thank you, Gloria.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Oh, man, relax.

It's prune juice, olive oil, a little magic.
It's not gonna hurt the baby.

You're not her mother. I'm her mother.

- I think right now you're more like her aunt.
- Uh-uh. No.

I didn't get me a belly full of stretch
marks to be no f*cking tía.

Look, relax.

She came to me. I helped her out.

She's comfortable with me.

Yeah. Too comfortable.

So, as you can see, we have a very exciting
few days planned for all of you.

And now to start things off...

here from Dress for Success...

to give you some dos and don'ts
of interview dressing...

Mrs. Sackin.

Thank you.

Dress for Success is the premier support
network for today's unemployed woman.

Let us begin our journey. Ladies.

Ooh!

Okay. Right away, what do we see?

That a cocktail dress
is not proper interview attire.

This is not corporate or even daytime wear.

Wholly unprofessional.

I'm just showing off my assets.

Next, I'm going to say leopard, little
sailor girl and our friend in peach here...

are also not properly attired
for an interview.

- - The animal print
is too racy and implies poor judgment.

And the sailor outfit is childish.

- Companies are looking to hire adults.
- Adults.

And finally, the peach is simply
ill-fitting, dated and not flattering.

- But you told me to wear it.
- Yeah, you did.

- I just want to swim with dolphins.
- Thank you.

You can leave the stage now.

Okay. Let's look at
what's going right up here.

This...

Is a good interview outfit.

It fits her well.

The dark stockings give it a conservative,
polished finish.

I believe the makeup
is a bit gothic and heavy-handed...

but overall the look is solid.

That's right!

Stylin'!

Another strong ensemble we have
is the pantsuit and blouse.

It's classic.

However, we do run into
some serious problems...

with personal grooming here.

- Huh?
- The hair-

It's, uh, messy, unpolished, unkempt.

- My hair's clean.
- It's wild and slovenly.

I'm sorry it's not uptight and boring!

But here the hair is nicely coiffed.

The makeup is subtle and understated.

However, the shirt is too sheer...

and the skirt is too tight.

Uh-uh. Hold up. Pause.

At job fair last year, this was the winning
outfit. I seen it myself.

That's why I picked it instead of the blue
dress I know I'd look bangin' in.

Let's talk a moment about dressing for your
body type and your skin tone.

A fuller-figured woman might want to choose
a looser-fitting garment.

- - Perhaps a
dress as opposed to a shirt and a skirt.

Not as loose as this,
which resembles a large burlap muumuu.

No sh*t.

But something in a jewel tone
with a contrasting scarf.

Man, I still look hella office.

I walk in, they'd be like,
“Yeah, she know her business.”

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

So, who wins?

Overall, despite the excessive eye makeup...

I would have to give it
to this young lady right here.

That's right.

Latina, we the winna. Uh-huh.

Man, you gave it to Franken-cha-cha?

This is some bullshit.

sh*t to the bull.

f*ck.

Damn. That Kool take you
out to dinner first?

Man, you sound just like Marsha.

- You know she right there in that kitchen.
- Like I care.

Only got two weeks left in this sh*t-hole.

Little girl, you look like a dragon with all
that smoke coming out of your nose.

Please. You smoke like a hooptie's tailpipe,
puffin' up and down the street.

I'm an adult.
Gives me the right to make bad choices.

We're heading over to Rayleen's
for something delicious. Care to join us?

- I gotta work.
- Well, we workin' too.

'Cept our work doesn't leave us
smelling like rancid oil.

Yeah, you clean as a drug-dealing whistle.

You should decline an offer
by simply saying...

“No, thank you.”

Otherwise, people will
stop inviting you to things.

I could eat.

Well, come on then.

Let's nourish that body.

Bye-bye, Taystee Girl.

Mm-hmm.

- Sure you not try to come out and eat though?
- No, I got to get to work.

A'ight. Be safe though.

Is the chicken flavor Cup of Noodles back in
stock, or have you only got the shrimp?

- We got cream of chicken.
- No, I don't like that one.

You want shrimpy?

Sure. I'll take five of those.

And I don't want the tuna
with the spicy sauce. Just plain tuna.

Oh, and for the coffee,
the dark roast... please.

How's the fitness going, O'Neill?

Uh, I'm in the 4,700s.

Over 10,000 steps a day.

Oh, you'll make it easy. It's still early.

And good for you.

- Well, one step at a time.
- Uh-oh. Problem.

- What kind of problem?
- No-money-in-account problem.

What are you talking about?

Call your family.

I can't sell you sh*t.

Sorry. Next!

Do you understand what this
is doing to my plants?

There was frost on my succulent.

This is a desert plant.
It should not be freezing.

Look, the furnace needs to be replaced.

I could d*ck-paw it all day.
It's never getting hot again.

Mmm. Like your mother.

Ah. Delightful.
That your mama joke? Priceless.

- What did Fig say?
- What do you think?

- She hiked up her skirt.
- Yeah.

Told me to Band-aid the old heap and gave me
50 bucks to buy a space heater for her office.

And you ran off like a good little puppy
and you did it for her.

Joke's on her. Space heater cost 27 bucks.

That's 23 bucks profit, man.
That's dinner for two at Sizzler.

Here's four dollars.

Add it to the 23.

Buy me one of those space heaters,
or I'm gonna rat you out.

No Sizzler for you.

sh*t.

Don't forget, ladies.

Your usual meal is 1,500 calories.
Beware of overeating.

Hey, where's your doggy?

Um-

Look what I got.
Look what I got. That's right.

That's right. Oh!
You love that, don't you? Yeah.

Oh. Oh, you just lick, lick, lick.

You like peanut butter, don't you?

You like to lick that,
don't you? Just lick, lick, lick.

Lick, lick...

lick.

- It got weird.
- Oh. Okay.

Look who's here.

Should I tell Gloria?

Nah. A few weeks ago Gloria said the roja
could eat, but she just never came in till now.

Why did she let her off the hook?

Well, you gotta figure...

she lost her kitchen, she lost her girls,
and her hair is all f*cked up.

Let her have some shitty food
and get on with her life.

If it was up to me-

That's a bear.

She's hibernating
until she gets strong again.

...and she's gonna shred up...

What the f*ck do you know about bears?

What, you live by
the Bronx Zoo or something?

- You're full of sh*t.
- No. Daya's the one who's full of sh*t.

- It's not funny right now. I'm not in a good way.
- She's right.

It's our “doodie” not to make fun of her.

Yeah, 'cause that would be crappy.

Ha ha ha. You guys are such assholes.

At least these assholes are working.

- Ah!
- Oh, snap!

Inmate Martinez...

move to an assignment at the laundry detail.

“Ook-lay oo's-hay ere-hay.”

Subtle, Morello.

It's still throwing me, you know, not seeing
her in her chef's jacket.

- Mmm.
- You know?

It's like when you see
a cop in sweat pants in your kitchen...

after he's spent the night with your sister.

A little splooge on the sweat pants,
and you feel weird about it.

She said she's seen some sh*t.

Oh.

She's high as a kite on psych meds.

That's too bad.

- Care to join us?
- No. Thanks.

Happy here.
Nice and quiet. But thank you.

Suit yourself.

There she is.

Penn?

Hi.

We didn't think we were
ever gonna see you again. What happened?

Last thing I remember is, I was an angel.

Well, I heard y'all
b*at the holy mess out of each other.

I mean, I suppose she got a few licks in.

Well, talk to you later.

I understand.

Would you like to dance?

Hey. Fischer, how you doing?

Fine, sir. Thanks for asking.
Back in the swing of things.

Good to hear. Doggett, take a seat.

Would you close the door, please?

So, out of the penalty box, huh?

I'm sorry. What?

Uh, nothing. Penalty box. Hockey?

Oh, no, no, no. No hockey, Mr. Healy.

I've been in SHU.

It's been like a month, I think.
Right? A month? Yeah.

So, they just pulled me out,
said I was back.

Am I back?

For now.

I suppose you're wondering
why I called you down here.

Uh, counseling?

Make sure I don't go cuckoo again.

I won't. I got all my marbles back.

I thought we should talk.

Get things straight.

All right.

I mean, I can promise you that
I've never felt more saner...

than I do now.

You know, when you spend
that much time down there in, uh, solitude...

it's like real purification, you know.

My heart feels right.

I suppose you had time to reflect
on that evening then.

Nope.

'Cause my head is so fuzzy.

Oh? ls that so?

I mean, I suffered...

multiple contusions and...

lacerations...

and it just freaking painful.

And now that I got through it
I started to remember...

and then lots of stuff came back to me.

Yep.

She angered you,
you confronted her, and you fought.

Yes.

That's it. End of story.

No.

- There's more.
- Wh-What more?

What are you talking about?

There's, like, angles,
and there's, like, extenuations.

I didn't know what I was seeing, Doggett.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

I had no idea that you two were gonna-

You could have been having a talk.

A lovers' quarrel even. I don't know.

And I certainly didn't see a w*apon.

Holiday times. Tensions get high.

I mean, God knows Katya
was testier than ever then.

But don't think for a second that anyone is
gonna believe a meth-addled hillbilly over me.

Be 100% f*cking clear about that.

Well, they might just, um...

believe the poster girl
for the right-to-life movement.

You know, I was on Greta Van Susteren...

and what if they knew
you were about to let me get k*lled?

I ought to throw you
back in Seg and let you rot.

What would help you forget
what you think you saw?

Hmm.

Uh, I'm still not sure how that answers the
questions I have regarding the budget.

That's why I invited you today.

Programs like Dress for Success,
our job fair...

our Christmas pageant, Readers to Readers...

are not a top priority for the DOC...

but they are so important for morale...

for education, for rehabilitation.

Until we can get the government on board
for some serious reform...

a little shifting of funds is a necessity.

But I assure you all of the money...

is being used for the good of the prison
and its residents.

Okay.

Uh, and I noticed that your husband
is running for state senate.

Is your passion for education
a value he shares?

Absolutely.

Uh, but any questions you have for Jason...

you can direct towards his office.

I hope I've shed some light on
how the money is being used...

to benefit the inmates here at Litchfield.

Uh, actually, I've got a few more questions.

Because I'm afraid, sadly,
I have to get back to work.

Prison doesn't run itself.

I mean, she gave me the freakin' outfit.
It was one big setup.

So now the two black girls,
the lesbo junkie girl and some Mexican...

get to go on and do the interview part,
and I'm back here.

Well, your makeup looks real pretty.

Like, I didn't even know you had eyelashes
till today. They look really nice.

Thanks, Ange. That's nice of you to say.

Hey. Did you know that Penn's out of Seg?

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

How do you know?

'Cause I seen her after lunch,
walking to Healy's office.

How'd she look?

She looked, uh, pretty rough.

I mean, if her teeth was bad before- Woof.

Ain't much left in there.

Guard Thompson to the tower.

Don't get me wrong or nothing...

but since she's been away,
hasn't it been, like, kind of nice in here?

What do you mean?

I don't know. Like-

Like peaceful, easy.

No yelling,
no telling everyone they're going to hell.

Just- Just quiet, you know.

Yeah.

- You won't tell her I said nothing, right?
- Of course not.

Ladies, check the board
for work assignments.

So, where's Piper now?

Still in Chicago, I imagine.

Larry, I want to talk about you,
not her.

Is she staying there? In Chicago?

She hates deep-dish.

Don't know if she's staying. Don't think
she's eating a whole lot of pizza.

- Larry-
- How did she seem to you?

Seemed like an idiot to me.
I gave her advice, and she didn't take it.

You gave her love, she cheated on you.
I'm not a fan. End of topic.

- I miss her.
- Well, then find a distraction, Son.

Something that doesn't
involve moping around, eating crap...

and playing that World of Warlock.

- Warcraft.
- Warcraft. Perfect.

You can join a t*nk corps.
Another waste of time.

- Go get laid.
- I'm not ready.

For what? Sticking your d*ck in something
new and cute and moving it around?

All guys are ready for that.

These two over here
are ready for it any moment now.

Get on with your life.

You're right.

No, you're right.

She cheated.

Right? I mean, sh-she lied.

Why am I holding on?

- Prison changed her. It changes people.
- I heard that.

I mean, she was not a lesbian anymore,
not with me.

Then she's in prison,
what, a few weeks? Bam. A lesbian again.

Or- Or- Or bi? I don't even know.

It was good with us. I know it was.

I think. sh*t.
I mean, what if that was a lie too?

But I don't think it was. I mean-

You know, I know I have some talent.
I'm very attentive and thorough.

You know, I do-
I do good work. I-I'm not small.

- Larry-
- You're right.

I should get out there.
I need to. I'm gonna get out there.

I made her come vaginally.
Do you know how hard that is to do?

- Please, Larry.
- My point is-

I don't even know what my point is anymore.

- Dad.
- Yeah?

Why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse?

It's a nice place. Clean.

A shvitz is a shvitz.

- I had a Groupon.
- Ah. I gotcha.

Wait. So I could put that
on my résumé thing?

- Working for my cousin?
- Sure.

But instead of saying that, uh...

you helped make sure
that no one stole sh*t...

you could say that
you monitored inventory...

and provided security.

Ah. Okay. Okay. I see that.

I could do that.

I want the kind of job where
I could just chill, you know.

Chill out. Collect a check.

According to this aptitude test...

I should be a professional athlete...

um, a park ranger or a correctional officer.

Working at Storky's means I have experience
in the food-service industry.

That's it.

And because I can remember sh*t
and add real fast...

I have high retention abilities
and exceptional math skills.

You're getting it.

I just want to get married to Christopher...

and have his babies...

and make the house look nice.

Maybe in the sunshine, like on the beach...

surrounded by, mmm, beautiful people.

Are you at all aware that you
just told an inmate in prison...

that she should become
a correctional officer?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I do want to be a professional athlete.

But you just don't
snap your fingers and become that.

I was hoping to work
with mentally ill children.

I think I could offer some insight into what
they might be experiencing...

and help them to heal and recover.

Maybe I'll Pinterest.

I hear that's a thing.

I went from wearing a habit
to wearing a prison uniform.

I don't think the fashion industry would be
a viable option for me.

I would also like to work
with round objects.

Yeah, round things...

are very pleasing to me.

Maybe I can umpire women's softball.
Then I could get laid.

I also can rhyme real good.
What do I say about that?

Poetic inclinations.

Ha! That's what I'm talking about!

See, you and me, we gonna be friends.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.

Now let's keep going.

Vasily, what happened to your face?

Did Ganya's people do that to you?

No. No, Ma. Lida hit me in the face
with a bag of change.

What?

She had this bag of quarters
for the laundry sitting on the table.

I stumbled in late a little drunk,
she grabbed it, and whack.

Good for her.

I appreciate your sympathy, Ma.
Thank you.

I didn't raise you to come home drunk
and upset your wife.

- She's not my wife. - She's the mother
of my grandson. What should I call her?

A violent criminal who hurt your baby boy.
This hurts, Ma.

Why won't you marry her?
She's a nice girl. She puts up with you.

I have a fear of commitment. Okay, mamushka?
Why don't we talk about you for a bit?

Because my life is sad and small...

and a burden to those I love.

Papa didn't put any money
in the account this month. What's going on?

Want to know what's going on?
Ma, the store is empty. Okay?

Everyone's afraid to go in...

because they know Ganya's mad at
you and Pop for blowing the prison contract.

I got him that contract in the first place.

Well, you should remind him,
because he doesn't remember that part.

- Why didn't Papa come?
- He's at the store all day, half the night.

He just sits there, waiting for someone to
come in. He's got no help, Ma.

- So why don't you help him?
- Ma, I'm working. I got a family too.

Don't you think I wish I could go there
and help him out some more?

Maybe I should have gone
to college like you said.

- What about Yuri and Maxim?
- We're all working. We're all hustling.

We're all trying
to avoid crazy women with weapons.

It's just rough times right now.

I'm gonna put some things together. I'll get
you money next week. I promise.

Thank you.

You're a good son.

Not great. Well, pretty good.

I'll take it.

God, she already looks so different.

- Yeah.
- Hello!

Yeah, that's right. I'm your mommy.

And I love you so, so, so, so- mwah!

So- Mwah, mwah! So, so much.

And soon we're gonna be
spending lots of time together. I promise.

Before you can even remember stuff,
we're gonna be together.

When is that? When you can remember?

Like when you're four and five, right?

I think I remember something
from when I was four.

Don't know.

Oh. Her head smells so good.

And she looks like you, but pretty.

Mm-hmm.

Is she a good baby?
Does she sleep okay? ls she eating?

Yeah.

It's so good talking to you.

Yeah.

Mommy's got you. ¡Mira, mira!

See, I ain't worried.

I'm gonna rock that interview.

Then I'm gonna be the winner of the job fair
and they gon' hook me up with a real job.

I'm gonna be like an assistant to Judge Joe
Brown or one of them TV judges.

Maybe even Judy.

Yeah, man. She don't take sh*t from nobody.
I know we'd vibe.

Yo, what the f*ck are you
talking about, real job?

Last year, the girl who did the best...

the job fair people hooked her up with a
real job once she was released.

They don't announce it 'cause people get all
crazy, but she told me on the low-low.

Wait. Who won last year?

Pocano.

Ocampo?

The Filipino chick with the mole.

- Ocampo.
- Man, the one that worked in the woodshop.

She won for best outfit,
and she had the best resume.

- Why didn't you tell us there was a prize?
- Ow! Man, why do you think?

We are the competition.

Now we out of the way...

so it's just her and the little skinny
Mexican doing the interview tomorrow.

- That sh*t ain't right, man. You should
have told us. - I'm a child of the system.

No one ever taught me right from wrong.

- Girl, f*ck you. - Like you would
have did better in your potato sack?

Man, I got a chance here.

And I'm doing it for all of us.

Man, come on.

I need y'all rooting for me.

We can't let skinny bean win.

They already got the kitchen,
and they got the best seats at movie night.

Y'all gonna let them take this too?

You had your sh*t. You had several sh*ts.

Now you got a change of heart?
Get out of here.

I can't stay no more in that place.

And I can't start over in another home.

Excuse me. Ma'am?

I was just walking through your store,
hoping to buy some bubble wrap...

and maybe ship some chocolates
to my aunt in Carolina.

And that's about all I'm gonna sell you
is some bubble wrap.

Anything else, you've got the wrong shop.

What you talking about?
We all good. I paid you 800 last month.

For real?
You gonna make me go to the books?

He paid you 800, right?

What was the initial agreed-upon price for
the, um, quantity in question?

Well, look at you, using your big words.

1,250. Plus, he owes me 130 from before.

1,250 and 130.

He in the hole to you for 580,
unless there's a vig.

Oh, you can bet your ass there's a vig.

So that would bring it up to 182...

plus $50 penalty
for partial payment on the 1,250.

Now we talking $682.

f*cking Goldberg over here.

Come on, Vee. I got customers waiting on me.

And you my wholesaler. Help a brother out.

What you think?

I think he seems pretty desperate.

I say give him half now and the other half
when that debt drops to zero.

This is f*cked.

Careful now.

He up to 1,307 now.

You find me by week's end.

Well, looks like addin' up all them nickels
and dimes at Burger McFat-ass...

done taught you a thing or two.

Huh, Taystee Girl?

You ready to work?

I'm gonna go check on inventory.

- Hey.
- Oh, thank God.

Come in. Did you bring the beer?

- Coronas, right?
- No! No, no, no!

Dark beer. It's supposed to be dark beer.
It helps my milk come in.

I'm not making f*cking fish tacos, Larry.
I'm trying to feed my child.

And you brought the dark beer.
Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- I'm sorry. I'm going bat-sh*t.

Uh, Polly, your- your, um-

your breast is kind of, uh-

Please. They're always out.
I'm the UPS guy's new favorite stop.

Hey, uh, have you, um-

have you talked to Piper at all?

No. And you know that.

And I know you broke up.

And I know she freaked out and got sent to
live in a shoe or something...

and now she's in Chicago.

- She f*cking hates deep-dish.
- I know!

Well, I heard all this from her mom.

Look, Larry, she's my friend...

and I will always
take her side over yours...

and I will always be friends with her.

Who knows how long I'll know you?

But just between us, I think she's being an
idiot and self-destructive and stupid.

And my sympathies are with you
all the way on this one.

Well...

thank you.

For what? I never said a thing.

I don't talk about Piper with you.

That would be disloyal and wrong.

Gotcha.

So, when is Pete back?

I don't know.
I may not let him come back.

The baby is less than three months old...

and suddenly he has to go on a vision quest
in the f*cking tundra?

- Well, to be fair, he said you told him to go.
- I'm a hormonal moron.

I didn't mean it.
I didn't think he would actually go.

I haven't showered in three days, Larry.

My mother is in a f*cking pinochle
tournament for the whole week...

not that she's any help when she's here.

And I don't have a g*dd*mn baby nurse
because I'm trying attachment parenting...

and it's f*cking bullshit.

Here, take this child before I drown him
in my tears and sweat.

Hey, buddy. Hello.

Hello, baby.

Hi. Hi. It's your Uncle Larry.

Hi. How's it going, buddy?

We're gonna hang out tonight, man.
Yeah.

We're gonna order some Thai food,
maybe watch a little TV.

How's that sound? Cool with that?

I'm gonna take a shower. Can you change him?

Uh, yeah. I mean, I sure can try.

Okay.

Mmm.

He's all new and just... happy.

Yep. Don't worry.

Pete and I will f*ck that right up.

No. ls that true?

That's not true.

You stay nappy, buddy. Okay?

You just- You just stay happy.

All right?

I got the idea from when you was a baby.

No one was allowed to ever give you yogurt,
'cause you would, like, f*cking explode.

There'd be sh*t everywhere- up your back, in
your hair. It was so disgusting.

But now...

It's coming in handy, right?

Right? ls it working?

Could you just please give me
some privacy here?

You're making me really,
really uncomfortable.

- I'm your mother.
- Oh, God.

Can I just sh*t in peace?

Fine.

But if you have any action,
you let me know, okay?

I f*cking care.

Fine. Fine. Just go.

All right. Here. Stand up.

This should fit you better
around the waist now.

Yeah. Thanks for looking out,

It's what you do for family.

Yeah. What, you my crazy Aunt Poussey now?

No. I'm your sister from another mister...

'bout to b*at your ass down if you don't
read that book till you know it cold.

You got some interview ass-kicking to do.

Make me proud.

Guess who's back and better than ever? Hey!

I know you said to get any stamp...

but that hobby shop is mad fun, yo.

You ever been in there?
Made me want to get all crafty.

Get some puffy paint
or a rhinestone machine.

They had a whole f*cking aisle
of pipe cleaners!

Pipe cleaners!

Man, in group home, all we got was broken
crayons and dried-up glue sticks.

Are we marking scag bags
or decorating your journal?

I don't know though, Vee.

I mean, maybe you want
to consider one of these for your trademark.

Glue a pair of these on every bag.

Or call it “Googly Smack.”
You know? sh*t's all gangsta.

All right. Maybe I got
a little carried away.

But look how cute this one is.

Can I have my change, please?

I did not send you to the store with a
C-note to bring back googly eyes.

But for serious, like...

why couldn't you use something
different for a stamp, like...

Mr. Owl here?

People do this sh*t, right? Like, there's
dope with all sorts of crazy sh*t on it.

It's not about what you put on the package.

It's about the quality of your product.

I don't know though. She kind of right.

You pick something weird,
people gonna remember that sh*t, for sure.

That owl looks drunk.

- I like the horse and the bicycle.
- Okay.

Say we use the horse.

Call our sh*t... Horsey Horse.

Get it? Because heroin's called horse.

Yo, that's money!

I'm telling you, people be like...

“Ooh, I need me some more of that horsey
horse. That sh*t was so good.”

Before you know it, you got a call brand.

Listen to her, trying to
teach me how to deal.

Y'all laughing now, but I'm telling you...

come visit me one day when I'm on Wall Street
and having some white boy get me lunch...

and I'm wheeling a big old deal,
and he talking about...

“Miss Jefferson, you have
a call on line two.”

You been watching too many movies.

I'm just saying, yo,
this is not my forever career.

Girl, you from this hood.
You don't get a career. You get a job.

- This right here's the best-paying job around.
- Preach it, Vee.

You know what people respect?
Money.

You keep working for me,
that's exactly what you're gonna have.

Isn't that right, RJ?
Don't I take care of my people?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Ah, whatever.

Look here. Taste this, girl.

Tell me if it needs some more salt.

Mmm. That is good.

- I know.
- What is that, pumpkin?

Butternut squash and ginger.
And I threw in some leeks just 'cause.

All right, now, listen.
RJ, clear off that table. Grab the salad.

- Is anybody else coming home for dinner?
- I think it's just us.

All right, grab some bowls, please.

Oh, yes. Ooh, this smells good.

Get the place mats.

All right.

Horsey Horse.

That's kind of fun, but Lord, have mercy,
it's silly, just like you.

I tried a new bread tonight, y'all.

It's a whole-grain flaxseed bread.

Y'all need some more fiber in your diet.

Grab a Kn*fe for this bread too, Tayst.

Bring the bowls, girl. What you waiting for?

Hey, Red.

These are great seats.

You can really
see the stage from here.

You really don't need to do this.

I mean, I appreciate the gesture
and everything, but-

But what? We'll be ostracized?

Already no one notices us.

We're old and invisible.

So why not be old together?

We keep each other company.

You calling me old?

I'm 23.

How about matured?

Like a big, branchy tree.

With snow-white roots.

Oh, sh*t.

I gotta deal with that, huh?

Or just let it go.

f*ck it.

Who we trying to impress?

She looks rough for 23.

Where we going?

We're going to town.

- Really?
- Medical center.

She's going to the oral surgeon.

Hope you got lots of those magazines, 'cause
it's gonna be hours and hours and hours.

Oh, I got plenty.

And I got my radio shows. I'll be fine.

Good for you, Doggett.

Congratu-f*cking-lations.

Thank you.

That's right. We at the Philip Morris
Companies believe in second chances.

We welcome people
who can handle the challenges...

of manufacturing and marketing products
meant for adults...

in a highly regulated
and restricted environment...

while striving each day...

to operate responsibly.

Thank you.

I thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique
or Wesley Snipes or something.

Not some cigarette-hawking
f*ck-nut reminding us...

that the only people who want to hire felons
are already hated by everybody else.

Nah, see, they ain't so bad.

People can decide for theirselves
if they want to smoke.

The real evil are them companies
k*lling us without consent-

Monsanto. Rio Tinto.

Uh, Big Pharma, BP, Halliburton.

- Yeah.
- I been reading.

There's some dark sh*t going down.

Not that any of them m*therf*ckers
ever want to hire us.

The real criminals,
they don't bother with us small-timers.

And now Mr. Slovin will interview
two prospective employees.

Many lessons to be learned here, ladies.

Please pay close attention.

Hello. And thank you for coming in today.

Well, hello to you too.

Hello. And thank you so much
for taking the time to see me today.

The best boss I ever had?

I would have to say Gloria
in the kitchen right here...

because,uh...

she's really organized...

and she plays real good music.

My greatest strength,
I'd have to say, is my positive attitude.

And my aptitude for rote memorization.

I see something once, and I got it down.

I use my time very efficiently.
I'm almost never late.

She was late today.

For example, in my old job...

a long-term client was
about to take his business to a competitor.

I was able to meet with the customer...

and change the way we handled his account
on a day-to-day basis...

in order to keep the business.

I think it's important...

to have close,
intimate relationships with your coworkers.

It's good for morale. You know?

Okay, that's like a foul.

It was lovely meeting
both of you. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Slovin.

And may I say what a privilege it would be
to work for the Philip Morris Corporation...

a company that has remained the largest
cigarette manufacturer...

in the US since 1983...

plus has increased its dividends
46 times in the last 44 years.

You all tore this market up in the face of a
world that was trying to tear you down.

Now, that's the company for me.

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you, Miss Jefferson.

Yes. Let's hear a round of applause
for Miss Jefferson.

And Miss Gonzales.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Taystee!

Taystee! Taystee!

They gonna need that picture, boo.

I'm afraid to see him lying there.

I think once you see him,
you won't be scared.

He's still our RJ.
He's just not in that body anymore.

But it's like, once the funeral is over...

he's really gone, you know.

Yeah.

I raised that boy.

Watched that smile
go from snaggletooth to lady k*ller.

I swear he could charm
the fish out of water.

Man, how can they get away with this?

Ain't nobody gonna do nothing?

Cops claim he was armed.

I don't know. Maybe he was. I-

I told him to not carry a piece.

A black man
walking around this city at night?

We had plans to go to
the Statue of Liberty together.

Neither of us ever been.

We had reservations
to walk up into the head and everything.

So stupid.

I'll take you.

I got you now, Taystee Girl.

You can't promise that.

I protect my babies.

This one got away.

But I swear to you...

I will die before I see that happen again.

I will keep you safe.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on. I got you.

- Well?
- How'd it go in there?

- Victory.
- Yeah! That's my girl!

Ay, good for you.
You must feel so much better.

- I just feel free.
- It was the yogurt, right? A mother knows.

The drink that I gave you has helped women
in my family dookie for 14 generations.

I think it was a combination
of both things.

Whatever it was,
it don't matter. I am so happy.

- Oh.
- Ay, qué lindo.

Hey, what's going on here?

- Daya finally sh*t.
- A big one.

- She feels so much better now.
- Oh.

My God! I can't believe you guys!

I've never been so humiliated. Jesus!

Well, go on. Go after her.

Tell her it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

We embarrassed her.

Whatever. It happens.
Mothers embarrass their kids.

Yeah.

Hey, where the f*ck did you get the yogurt?

So, Mr. Slovin, who gets the job?

Miss Tasha Jefferson.

Ooh! Whoo-hoo!

That's right! In your face, skinny bean!

Whatever. It don't even mean nothing.

I don't even smoke.

Taystee!

Okay! And that concludes job fair.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Hey, so, uh, how do I get a hold of
someone about that job?

- Excuse me?
- A job.

I heard you get hooked up with one
if you win this thing.

Winning is a victory in itself.

But last year, Ocampo got set up
with some receptionist gig.

That's simply untrue. This isn't a contest.

You do your best because that's what
you're supposed to do.

Why is it so hard
for you people to understand?

You're like babies. “Where's my present?

Pay attention to me.
Give me things. Fix the heat. Build a gym.”

I'm not your g*dd*mn mommy.

Grow up!

In acknowledgement of
your hard work and success...

an award of $10 will be added to
your commissary fund.

- Enjoy.
- Yeah. That's something.

That is something. Thank you, Ms. Figueroa.

Oh, sh*t.