03x07 - Mall-mento Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

EDNA:
Everyone, please stay back.

We are investigating
the source of the alarm. [crying]

Judy, I'm so sorry
I created that disaster.

Wait, what?
You created the disaster?

You're-you're crying because
I came to your work today

and embarrassed you,
just like Honeybee said I would.

That's... that's
not why I'm crying.

Wait, why are you in those
jeans, and what's all over you?

Judy, did you not notice all
the very weird stuff I did today?

I did not. I had... I was, um...

Well, it seems like we just had
two very different days.

Can you just start
at the beginning?

Sure.
See, at breakfast this morning...

HAM: Are you okay, Dad?

You're breathing the way you did
the one time you made it

to the final round of
the family staring contest.

I'm great, I'm just excited.
I get to spend the whole day

with your sister at the mall.

Not to brag,
but I was recruited

to fix the cash register
at her work.

I wish I could have shown you off
at my high school job, Dad.

Back when I had to sterilize
all that rubber

at the pacifier factory, I
would talk you up to everybody.

You wanted your dad
to show up to your workplace

- when you were a teen?
- Well, why wouldn't we?

When I undoubtedly
start working the band saw

at the mill next year,
I'm hoping Dad will stop by

- for lunch every day.
- You guys are bonkers.

When I worked at the Big
Raisin Mall when I was ,

I forgot my jacket one day.

My dad showed up with it,

somehow got on the intercom,
and said...

Sweetie, it's Daddy.
I'm here with your jackie.

Then, when I came to get it,
he did something worse.

- Boop.
- He booped my nose!

- In front of everybody!
- Gross!

Oh, wait, I thought
you said "pooped my nose."

- Never mind.
- After that day,

I basically didn't speak to my dad

- until I turned .
- Oh, God, poor Louis.

Uh-uh, no. Poor Honeybee,

dealing with a weird,
embarrassing mall dad.

And my friend Ramona
had it even worse.

She worked at the roller rink.

Her dad tried to skate
backwards and he d*ed.

- That's terrible!
- Yeah. She was mortified.

They left flowers at
the exact spot where he d*ed,

and everyone had to
skate around them for weeks.

But Judy and I have
a great relationship.

Yeah, but by the end of the day
it could be in tatters.

Let me give you a few tips.

Today, I want you
to basically avoid Judy.

Don't walk in with her,
don't chat with her.

Keep eye contact to a minimum.

And if you do talk with her,
do not try to use slang.

- Too legit to quit.
- Beef, no.

You may never use that phrase
again. It was never cool.

- As if.
- I swear to God, old man.

- Sorry.
- And no hugs. Or kisses or "Judy bears."

And stay away
from the intercom, Beef.

I don't even know
where the intercom is.

- That's what I like to hear.
- Well, you may see us later

at the mall as well,
because we are going to go see

- the movie The Electric Monocle.
- Hopefully.

Remember, you guys have to help
me finish reading the novel.

That book fully blows,
but I'm a completist.

I always read the book
before I see the movie.

She's a woman of principles,
and by God I'd marry her again.

I even read
Fast & Furious Presents:

Hobbs & Shaw Present:
Hobbs & Shaw: The Novel,

because they released it
before the film.

We're all gonna read sections
and then report back.

And Jerry's coming over
to help us.

- Uh-oh, here comes Judy.
- Keep it together, mall Dad.

- You ready to go, Pop?
- As if.

Beef, I'm serious.

Well, the Jeremy Jazz
Saxophone Situation cassette

you bought me for Father's Day
certainly doesn't disappoint.

Uh-huh.
Oh, uh, just... bup-bup-bup...

just drop me off here, Dad.

Huh.
I guess Honeybee was right.

Judy is embarrassed of me.
I guess this happens to everyone.

If I don't have a daughter
for a while,

I still have all of
my other interests,

like maintaining
our septic system

and...
maintaining our HVAC system.

HONEYBEE: Okay, so I appreciate
your help, but a little warning.

This book was hard to get into.

That means something
coming from you.

You read Cousin Janet's
self-published novel

about a plate of spaghetti and
meatballs that comes to life.

Real Boy Spaghetti Freddie?
Ah, that book was great.

I mean, that fork villain
gave me nightmares for weeks.

It's why I eat spaghetti
with my hands now.

Okay, I've done the math,

and we only have to read
. pages apiece.

Guys, I find it very hard
to read around other people,

because I'm like a T. Rex.
I'm distracted by every movement.

But thank God my arms are
long enough to hold a book.

Yeah, I'm gonna go read
in the guest house.

Okay, I'll see you later,
my Ty-read-asaurus rex.

Oh, look, my section starts
with an intricate map

of the lands that the groups

fighting for
the electric monocle live on.

Looks like mine is all in a
made-up language? Merblish?

And you have to use
the glossary in the back

for every single word.

Here's a list
of a thousand things

that are also round
like monocles.

A bowl. A wheel.
A circle...

[all snoring]

- How's it going?
- Working as fast as I can

so I can get out of here
without embarrassing my teen.

Okay, well, I'm gonna pop
in the back for minutes

and do my breath work.

If I pass out,
it might be longer.

[breathing loudly]

Uh-uh, Chris Hemsworth,
that's my cinnamon roll. [gasps]

Guys, guys, wake up!

Oh, no, we slept for two hours.

- This is not good.
- Honeybee, don't panic.

We've still got several hours
before the movie.

And now we have
so much energy to read

about all the different
types of light...

[yawns] refraction...

Okay, everyone's asleep again.
Yeah, good idea.

Just a few more steps here.

No slang, no nose-booping.

Everything's gonna be okay.
Whoops!

[gasping]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, no. It's happening.

Mall dad.

[whispers] Alyson. Psst. Alyson.

[Alyson grunting, breathing loudly]

- Alyson!
- What?

I-I ripped my pants.
I think Judy saw.

- Look how embarrassed she looks.
- ALYSON: Don't panic, Beef.

This isn't Chernobyl. This
is the beginning of Chernobyl,

when they thought
they could contain it.

- But they couldn't.
- But they didn't know that then.

We can just pop out
and get new pants.

- Great idea.
- Oh, what if I walk right behind you

so I'm hiding your butt cr*ck
with my body?

It's not my butt cr*ck.
I am wearing underwear.

Darn it. Well, I'll still do it.

- Too legit to quit.
- What?

Oh, sorry I seem to be
saying that today

when I'm nervous. Let's go.

Welcome to Big and Cold.
What can I help you with today?

I'm looking for Large Boy jeans.

[sighs] Oh, the Large
Boy shipment is delayed.

The guy who was driving the boat
apparently took

a bunch of acid
and ate all the jeans.

Oh. Would you have
anything else in my size?

- I'm a / .
- Oh, wow.

You know what they say...
, dirty eight.

- They say that?
- You're a thick man with a sick plan.

- Uh-huh.
- is like three whole Fruit by the Foots.

- Please stop.
- If you're long in the abdomen,

I'm gonna grab you then.
Okay, let's see those pants.

- They're very tight.
- You bet they are.

You're squeezing pounds

of back in a ten-pound sack.
We'll take 'em.

- [phone rings]
- Aah!

Oh, no, we fell asleep again?
Hello?

Hello, my cellular Cinderella.

Missing you here at the, uh...
the guest house, where I am.

Uh, but, uh,
how's the reading going?

We all fell asleep! Twice!

Oh, I wish I could help, but I'm kind of

in the zone right now,
just, uh, reading up a storm.

So I'll see you guys soon,
and we'll see that movie.

- [whoops]
- Bye, Wolf. Okay, guys.

So far, sleeping
has not helped us read.

And we have to finish the book
so we can see the movie today.

The first-day movie tickets
come with a coupon

for a free prescription monocle.

How can we get through
a little of the book?

Oh, well, I can never
fall asleep if I'm cold.

We could open
all the doors and windows.

And... it's hard to sleep
if you're in pain.

I have a brand-new poking stick
in the panic room.

And we could play some music
that's so exciting

and frankly sexual that
there's no way we could sleep.

- Oh, the B- s!
- Oh, the B- s!

The B- s, yes.
And we'll all read aloud,

- and we'll get through what we can.
- All right.

Jerry, open the doors
to let some cold air in.

Ham, crank the music.

Moon... Ow!
I see you already got the stick.

Yup, and I've been practicing
on Dad so much

this week, he actually
took me out of the will.

Oh, and Wolf got some
of that new energy drink

- Testosti-throne at Val-U-Buy.
- Huh.

It says here, "Do not drink,"
but that can't be right.

Let's go crazy
on this dumb-ass book.

She barely looked up
as we came in.

She's still clearly mad at me.
What should I do?

Well, one time Judy
was mad at me because I

ate the entire lunch
she brought for herself,

so to make it up to her, I took
her to lunch at the food court.

But I didn't steal her lunch.

Yeah, but, Beef,
teenagers love free food.

Just buy her something
disgusting to eat,

don't do anything else
embarrassing, and you'll be fine.

- You think so?
- Of course.

Also,
I ate her lunch again today,

- so she's gonna need something.
- [clears throat]

Uh, Judy,
I was wondering if I could

treat you to lunch
in the food court.

Okay, Dad. Fine.

Welcome to Gail's Gravys.
What can I coat you in?

Yes, uh, I embarrassed
my teen by showing my butt

at the mall, and I'd
like to make it up to her.

Yep, we get that a lot.

I'd recommend one of
our dessert gravies.

We have chicken caramel,
turkeys and cream,

and Reese's peanut butter ribs.

Or you could go with
the Chunk Chicken Chug Boat.

It's a whole rotisserie
chicken served

with a large tower of bread
and our signature hot trough.

Let me do that,
plus the turkeys and cream.

- [laughter]
- HOLDEN: Come on,

- we don't want to miss it, mi amor.
- I'm coming.

- I'm coming.
- [grunts]

[distorted] Oh, balls.

- Oh, God. Oh, no.
- Oh, sorry, bud.

No refunds.
You dropped it, you bought it.

I'm not... I'm not asking
for a refund, Gail.

- Oh, this is so humiliating.
- No, no, it's-it's fine, Judy.

- I'll just clean this on up.
- Dad, please. Let's just get out of here!

[overlapping chatter]
[music playing loudly]

- Guys? Guys!
- Police Chief Edna?

[music stops] I was just out on patrol.
I saw your door was open

and thought you had a break-in.

Sorry, Edna, we were just
trying to stay awake

- to read The Electric Monocle.
- Oof, I tried to read it, too.

[chuckles] It's so bad.

It really is, but I have to read
the book before I see the movie.

Yup, I'm a completist, too.
Darn it.

Well, hey,
what if the chief of police

ordered you
not to read the book?

- It would be against the law.
- You really need me to do that?

My sister is very strong-willed.

Okay, I do hereby order
under penalty of, um...

- Life in prison.
- Okay, sure.

I order that you cannot read
The Electric Monocle.

Oh, thank God. Let's get Wolf
and go to the movies.

- Yay.
- What a relief.

I'm throwing this book
in the trash,

and I'm throwing the trash
in a lake.

- Thank you, Edna.
- Oh, and I'm gonna confiscate

these remaining Testosti-thrones.
Two guys in Ketchikan

drank a case of this
and then tried to switch hearts.

Wolf, put that awful book down.

Huh, that's weird.
His snow machine's gone.

And his wallet's gone.

And he bought tickets to an earlier
screening of The Electric Monocle.

Oh, no, Wolf's been taken.
No one touch anything.

- This is a crime scene.
- Ham, no.

He went to see the movie instead
of even trying to read the book.

Let's go to the mall.

I'm gonna do a citizen's divorce.

JUDY: Perfect, perfect.

What a wonderful, perfect day.

I'm completely embarrassed
and he's-he's...

Judy, I'm sorry.
I'll go get all new clothes.

- No!
- [cuckoo clocks chiming]

[grunting, screaming]

Oh, no, no, no. [gasps]
The intercom.

Judy bear,
it's Daddy, I'm so sorry.

So, I should never
have come to your work.

Honeybee was right.
If you don't want to talk to me

till you're ,
that's what I deserve.

Dad, I'm sorry all that stuff
happened to you today

and that you thought
I hated you,

and, frankly, those jeans
are absolutely banoodles,

but the reason I didn't notice
any of that stuff today

is because I was in love,
but now it's over.

And I'll probably never feel
happiness again, okay?

All right, I guess you better
tell me your story, J.

Gladly. May I do it
in my British narrator voice?

If it'll make you happy, yes.

- [British accent] Once upon a morrow...
- Wait, maybe just regular.

[regular voice] You got it, Dad.

As I was saying,
once upon a morrow, I...

- Judy.
- Right, regular voice.

Dad, Judy.

Hi, guys. Wolf, are you
wearing a Dracula cape?

Yeah, long story featuring me
as a real scamp,

but are you guys okay?
Judy, you look sad.

Well, as I was
about to tell Dad,

that's because my heart
has been shattered

into a billion million thousand
tiny, little, tiny, tiny pieces.

And now my tale of great sorrow.

I begin at sunrise.
Here we go.

- Alanis. Um, Alanis!
- Oh, uh, hey, Judy.

Sorry, I was organizing
my imaginary pantry.

[chuckles] I have so much
oregano, and I'm like, why?

Well, I only have the most
important announcement ever.

I'm in love,
and I mean love.

The whole enchilada,
the entire macaroni casserole,

spending a weekend at a historic
hotel in Big Sur kind of love.

Whoa, that's a lot.

- I mean, you don't even...
- Don't slut-shame me, Alanis.

I wasn't. It's just
a long drive to Big Sur.

And also I'm a little surprised,

because we just talked
two days ago,

so, um, must be quite
a whirlwind romance, huh?

Uh, yeah!
His name is Holden.

He's only ,
but he got his GED,

so he's already
in community college,

and he works at the movie theater.
He's so sophisticated.

He always has a copy
of A Farewell to Arms

- in his back pocket!
- GED?

Does that stand for
"Gorgeous Educated Dreamboat"?

We've been going out
for glorious hours,

and we've done
so many romantic things.

He took me to see the
magical moment when all the

cuckoo clocks in the
cuckoo store go off at once.

And he showed me where
they throw out all the

misshapen corn dogs from
All Corn Dogs Go to Tummy.

- So he took you to a trash can?
- Yes.

And we said what
the corn dog pieces looked like,

and he said his piece
looked like despair.

He's so deep.
Oh, Alanis, he is the one.

I want to give him
the full access pass.

Upstairs. Downstairs.
Mezzanine.

- Uh, what's on the mezzanine?
- I don't know, but we'll find out.

Right after we met,
he showed me his favorite

vintage romantic comedy:
Rainkiss.

The couple in it kisses in the rain!

Mm, yes,
kissing in the rain is great,

but you got to be careful.

Because once
in the early s,

I kissed the lead singer
of The Mousepads

in a light drizzle, and my
face slipped right off of his

- and into a telephone pole.
- Anyway, got to go.

Cannot wait to get to the mall
and see Holden again.

Uh, okay, uh, but, Judy...

- Yeah?
- Um, just, uh, just be careful,

'cause sometimes
when you meet a guy

who makes you fall really hard
really fast, it can be...

- What?
- You know what, don't worry about it.

If there's something
to figure out,

you'll figure it out.
Now get out of here.

- Go be in love at the mall.
- Mission accepted.

- You ready to go, Pop?
- As if.

WOLF: Guys, I find it
very hard to read

around other people
because I'm like a T. Rex.

Yeah, I'm gonna go read
in the guest house.

All right, Wolf, let's do this.

"In the South,
where the Glats live,

"there's good growing land
for the synthetic corn

called Glorn." Nope, nope.

Nope, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, uh, just... bup-bup-bup...
just drop me off here, Dad.

- Holden! Holden!
- Judy! Wow, hi.

Sorry, I was just so lost
in thinking about

this T.S. Eliot poem
I read this morning.

[exhales] Life is just so
sad sometimes, you know?

- So sad.
- But also so beautiful.

Oh, of course
it's very beautiful. Mm.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to get so heavy.

I just love to read poetry
while I have my espresso.

Well, I'd like to espresso
how glad I am to see you.

Um, my dad is here today
to help with something

at my work,
but I can actually always

just tell him I'm getting
a ride home from you.

Oh, uh, you know, maybe.

Uh, yeah,
I got to get back to work,

but, uh... I'll text you.

Oh, and I also just wanted
to tell you that I listened

- to that band you told me about...
- Oh, sh**t.

I'm gonna be in big trouble
if I don't clock in to work.

You know, in a Marxist
society, my boss and

I would be equals, but
we aren't there yet.

Plus, climate change.
Bye, J.

Sure, yeah.
Okay, see you soon.

And I agree
about climate change!

[sighs] Oh, hey, Dad.
Ready for work?

Yes, but do not tell me
where the intercom is.

Uh, okay.

Pretty good disguise, Wolf.

No way Dad or Judy
will spot you in this.

We must go see
the glass-making wizard.

- Yeah, you must!
- Shh!

I'm actually supposed to be
reading the book right now.

- Please leave me alone.
- I mean, I wanted to be supportive,

- but there was no way I could get through it.
- Be quiet.

MAN: The Urms are hatching!
Prepare the monocle.

I'm sure he'll text any minute.

I'm just gonna check
one more time, and... okay.

Soon, though. That's fine.

I'll just maybe sit here

and think about
our future together.

[gasps] Holden!

Roses for me?
But what about climate change?

These were grown organically
in my rooftop garden.

Judy, I loved our weekend
in Big Sur,

and I was so impressed by what
I saw on the mezzanine

- that I want you to...
- Stop talking, you gorgeous fool.

[both moan]

Rainkiss.

Do you think we'll send
our kids to private school?

Hmm, I want to keep them
in public but contribute

- to their school's art program.
- Me, too.

[both moan]

And I'm thinking
we'll own a hybrid car,

but we'll mostly just ride our
bikes, and we'll have those little...

oh, you know those little
trailers that you can

put a baby in and they
look very, very dangerous

but probably super fun
for the baby?

Sounds perfect, Judy.
Let's kiss more.

- BOTH: Mmm!
- [phone chimes]

Ooh, he texted, I knew it.
Oh... huh.

"I'll never forget what we had,
but you mean too much to me

for me to keep being with you"?

Uh, wait,
that doesn't make any sense.

"You mean so much to me, too.

Can't wait to see you later."
Send.

- [phone chimes]
- "I'll never forget you"?

No... "You don't have
to forget me. I'm right here."

- [phone chimes]
- "Judy, sorry, maybe the moon

"and the stars will bring us
together again.

Till then,
let's just call this a break"?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

Did I actually just hear
my heart rip?

Okay, still got a few hours left
till I'm supposed to see

that monocle mess again
with Honeybee and everybody.

Oh, Pope Fight is playing?

Yeah, maybe I'll just make
a quick call

and make sure
nobody's noticed I'm gone.

[chuckles]
Yeah, I just love to read poetry

while I'm having my espresso
in the morning.

Have you ever heard
of Big Sur, California?

I've always dreamed of going
there with someone like you.

This wig is so itchy.

[groans]
That's the last time I buy used.

Hello, my cellular Cinderella.

Missing you here at the, uh...
the guest house, where I am.

Uh, but, uh,
how's the reading going?

[clears throat] Uh, Judy,
I was wondering if I could

treat you to lunch
in the food court.

Okay, Dad. Fine.

The gravy navy is
reporting for duty.

By which I mean,
I'll go get us some gravy.

Yeah, a huge cup of gravy.
That'll make me feel better.

- Too legit to quit.
- All right, thanks, man.

- Solid.
- [gasps]

- Holden!
- Oh. [chuckles]

- Hey, Judy.
- Look. [chuckles]

Here we are, by the trash can

where they throw out
the misformed corn dogs again.

[chuckles]
Yeah. Nice to see you, Judy.

Nice to see you, too.

[voice breaking]
Holden, how could you just

throw me away
like a misformed corn dog?

Oh, Judy, the thing is, you...

you mean too much
for me to keep being with you.

Uh, yeah, that is just
very confusing,

and I don't think that
it actually means anything.

Judy, it means everything.
You were very special to me.

I wouldn't just take any girl
to the cuckoo clock store

to see all the cuckoos
sing at once.

That meant a lot to me, but
life has other journeys for us.

- I'll see you on the road.
- Number .

That's me, Judy.
See you on the road.

Yeah, you... said that already.

- Hey, handsome.
- There she is.

[laughter] Come on, we don't
want to miss it, mi amor.

- I'm coming. I'm coming.
- [Beef grunts]

He's with someone else already?
Oh, this is so humiliating.

No, no, it's-it's fine, Judy.
I'll just clean this on up.

Dad, please.
Let's just get out of here!

♪ ♪

- Wolf.
- [gasps, coughs]

Oh, h-hey, guys.

- Well, well, well.
- You traitor.

[stammers]
Honeybee! Guys! I, uh...

I-I was, uh,
reading that darn book,

you know, when my phone rang
and there was this...

oh, this deep voice that said,

"Put on a Dracula cape
and come to the mall.

We have a nuclear submarine."
And I was like, "No."

Wolf,
I don't want to be judgmental,

but I don't believe your story!

- [cuckoo clocks chiming]
- [Beef grunting, screaming]

[objects clatter]

Rainkiss.

BEEF [over intercom]:
Judy bear, it's Daddy, I'm so sorry.

- JUDY: Yeah, so that was my day.
- Ah, Jude, sorry,

I was so wrapped up
in my fear that you'd reject me

that I didn't help you out when
you were having a hard time.

Why were you worrying
that I would reject you, Dad?

Okay, that might be my fault.

I told him I never wanted
my dad at my job

when I was a teenager,
and I stand by that.

But, Beef, I got to give it to you.
Your kids sure don't seem

- to mind having you around.
- True.

- I concur.
- He's dope.

Well, I'm gonna throw a snowball
at this Holden

at the earliest opportunity.

Looks like they're letting
people back into the mall.

Should we finally go see
The Electric Monocle?

Trust me, guys, it is so bad.

- You do not want to go.
- Works for me.

Now I didn't break my own rule.

Let's go home and stream
something really good.

Oh, yeah.
I think The Rock's new movie

is available now...
Frankenstrong, where

he plays that absolutely
ripped Frankenstein.

Ooh, yeah, he humiliates
those dumb-ass torches.

You know, I think Tarantino is
both over- and underrated.

[cries out]

- Drive, Dad! Drive, drive!
- [giggling]

♪ You can get busy in a blizzard ♪

♪ Feel your heart b*at loud
when you see one cloud ♪

♪ I've been to third base
in a cyclone ♪

♪ But only rainkisses
take me home ♪

♪ I've nuzzled noses in the snow ♪

♪ Gotten down to business
while the wind blows ♪

♪ Yet the only action
I'll ever miss ♪

- ♪ Is a soft, perfect rainkiss ♪
- ♪ Soft, perfect rainkiss ♪

♪ Nothing makes me feel
like this ♪

♪ Except the tenderest rainkiss. ♪