All right, stop.
Okay...
Now try walking.
All right.
Hey, what are you girls doing?
Daddy's showing us what it's like to be drunk.
They ask questions, I have answers.
Yeah.
Pretty yucky, huh?
I'll have another one.
Time for you girls to do your homework.
I can't do my homework till the room stops spinning.
Well, welcome to college.
Come on, let's go.
♪♪♪
And up, two, three.
And down, two, three.
Are you wearing a thong, two, three?
You want me to chafe, two, three?
Whoo! I'm b*at.
How can you be b*at? We haven't started running yet.
This was just a warm-up.
I'm plenty warm. Feel between my thighs.
You're right. You could cook a duck in there.
What'd I tell you?
Besides, we ran miles yesterday.
Oh, come on, andy, we drove / miles to the park,
And the next half mile, we walked to a popsicle stand.
Let's go. Come on.
Let me just see who's on ellen first.
We're not gonna be watching ellen.
We're gonna go run.
Is that that hot chick from lost?
Well, I can't run now.
All the blood ran out of my legs.
Hey, there's my young boy. How was basketball practice?
Oh, he looked so cute in his uniform.
How did he play? He looked so cute in his uniform.
Yeah, I don't think basketball's his game.
He got a little frustrated,
And they had to put him in the penalty box.
There's no penalty box in basketball.
There was today.
Basketball's too hard. I wanna quit!
Okay, baby, if you don't like it,
I guess you don't have to play anymore.
Thanks, mommy.
Excuse me, mommy, I don't recall
Daddy signing off on kyle quitting basketball.
Jim, you heard him. He doesn't like it.
Well, I don't like your sister, but I don't quit the family.
Hey!
Cheryl, look, I know you don't like me
Undercutting your authority in front of the kids.
Let's go in the kitchen so I can undercut your authority there.
Let's go.
Cheryl...
Are you wearing a thong?
Yeah. You want it back?
Cheryl, kyle signed up for a season of basketball.
He is going to finish and complete
A season of basketball.
Jim, he doesn't want to play.
I don't want to be one of those controlling parents
Who makes their kids do all sorts of things
They don't want to do.
What, are you new in town?
That's what parenting is, honey.
Jim... What?
You heard him. He doesn't like basketball.
No, he didn't say he didn't like basketball.
He said it was hard.
And that's not the reason to quit.
I mean, it may be okay for you guys,
But I'm trying to raise a man here.
Excuse me?
No, I don't think I will excuse you.
No, absolutely not.
Men don't quit.
When things get tough, they try harder.
That's the way god made us.
That's why he doesn't let your kind be president.
Richard nixon quit.
He resigned.
That's totally different.
Besides, if he really wanted to quit,
Pat wouldn't have let him.
Well, maybe you should have married pat nixon.
Believe me, she was a handsome woman.
But sadly, that ship has left the harbor.
Kyle, you are sticking with basketball.
Because when men make a commitment in this family,
They stick with it.
Oh, that is such crap!
You two quitters made such a big deal
About jogging every day.
Have you even gone once?
I'll have you know andy and I clocked miles yesterday,
Right, andy?
Shh! Ellen got the lost chick to dance.
You go, lost.
Wow. Man, if you guys ran miles yesterday,
You must be in pretty good shape.
Look at me.
My pants are hanging off me.
I even went down a whole hat size.
To be fair, that's where you had the most fat to lose.
You know, since you're so fit,
Maybe you should run the oak park k with dana.
That is a great idea. The race is next week.
Yeah!
Finishing k should be no problem for you,
What with your super-slim head and all.
You can finish, can't you, daddy?
You bet I can, kyle.
Because I'm not a quitter!
Cool! Cool!
Cool! Cool!
Daddy, can I come watch you run the race?
Yes, you can.
I'm gonna need you there to cheer me on, son.
And probably a paramedic.
You little sissy girl!
Huh? You got three days till the big race.
Push it like you got a pair!
Come on, I'm exhausted.
I'm tired from dragging this thing out here
In the first place!
Hey, we're simulating race conditions.
Uh-oh, here comes a gravel truck!
Hey! Hey!
Oh, no, it's raining!
Come on, andy, stop it!
Oh, holy cow! Bees!
Andy, knock it off! Knock it off!
How far have I gone? , K?
K.
What?!
All right, k. Really, ..
How far is k anyway?
About miles.
I thought a k was like a block.
Stupid metric system.
Remind me to write a letter to europe.
Will do, but we're still waiting for their reply
To your letter about soccer being gay.
I can't do this.
Just forget it.
I thought I could pull this off.
I'm not gonna be able to finish this race.
What am I gonna do when I have to tell kyle I gotta quit?
Well, me being like you,
One chili fry away from the almighty,
I saw this coming.
I got a plan, okay?
Now it is foolproof,
But ethically, it's a little shaky.
That just means it's really good.
Come on, let me hear it.
Here is a map of the race, okay?
Now when the race begins,
You go about / of the way.
Okay.
Then when no one's around,
You take a shortcut through miss tan's.
Miss tan's? What's that?
Vietnamese nail salon.
Top drawer. Mention my name.
Now you can't just cut through.
You'd finish the race too soon, right?
Okay, so once you're inside, you kick it for a bit.
Say about a half-hour.
Then you sneak out the back, go down the alley,
Join the race, finish the last few blocks,
No one's the wiser.
That is brilliant, andy.
By cheating, I teach kyle about not quitting.
He'll never know the difference.
Yeah, kids are stupid.
Yeah, my boy.
Ready for me to whup your butt, sally?
You know what, dana?
I never said that I could b*at you.
I said that I would finish. And I will.
Oh, please.
You couldn't finish if the last mile was downhill,
Covered in vaseline,
And the finish line was made out of ham.
Would you like to make it interesting, girl?
Okay.
Let's say if you make it, I'll do the loser dance.
And if you don't, you do the jim dance,
Which is pretty much the same thing.
Deal.
(Announcer) runners, on your mark...
Get set...
Go!
(p*stol fires)
(Cheers and applause)
(Heart b*ating continuously)
(Jim thinking) that's it. Keep going.
A few more minutes,
And I'll be sitting on my ass, suckers.
(Heart b*ating sound stops)
(Heart b*ating sound resumes)
Huh. That was weird.
Yes!
Oh... Man.
Oh, whew.
Whoo.
Water.
Water good!
Hello.
You have an appointment?
Oh, yes, and afterwards, I'm gonna go across the street,
Get some highlights and a bikini wax.
You get treatment here, or you get out.
It's cool. I know andy.
Then you have to pay up front.
All right, fine.
I'll have whatever she's having.
Mani-pedi. Bucks.
That's an awful lot of money.
Whoo, money's hot.
All right, how long does this take?
Minutes.
But if I have to clean up your eyebrows,
Much longer.
Just do the nails.
Okay.
My wife said this is supposed to be relaxing.
I don't get it.
I get that.
That feels good.
I'll be right back.
Really good.
Wh--what...
Oh, my god,
What time is it?!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
What's the matter?
The race is probably over! Why didn't you wake me up?!
But you looked so peaceful,
Like a big cat with one eyebrow.
(Jim thinking) where the hell is everybody?
Crap!
This race is over.
Crap!
Now kyle's gonna think I quit.
Crap!
(Announcer) here he is, folks--
Our lead runner.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna win!
Ha! Ha! Ha ha!
I won! I won!
I won! I won! I won!
(Announcer) and our winner,
With a time of minutes and seconds,
Setting an all-time oak park record,
Let's hear it for him!
(Cheers and applause)
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
We're proud of you, daddy.
We're gonna make you
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Peanut butter and jelly?
I thought you were proud of me.
Roast beef?
Well, if you think I've earned it.
Ha ha ha!
Thank you.
What's that look about?
If you want a sandwich, put in your order.
You cheated!
How would you know that?
You won!
Cheryl, you know what? That really hurts.
I really trained hard for that race.
And I'll tell you the truth. You know what?
It feels good to know that an underdog
Can come out of nowhere and still shock the world.
That's what I love about this country.
So I say to you, cheryl, I say to you,
God bless america!
It was andy's idea.
Jim, what were you thinking?
I was trying to teach kyle about,
You know, being a man, that men don't quit.
You didn't teach him anything. You cheated.
He's not gonna know that.
There's a little boy in that kitchen right now
Spreading mustard on a lie!
What if he finds out?
What if? What if? What if?
What if a dog gave birth to a cat?
Oh! Huh?! Huh?!
You just don't worry about it till it happens!
You jerk!
Aah!
You cheated!
What makes you say that?
You won!
Why is everybody getting tripped up about that?
You... You menacing witches.
I have known this man for years,
And I can vouch for his sturdy character.
Come, james.
Let's leave these magpies to their idle chatter.
Let it go, andy. He gave you up.
As I would have him.
Daddy, can we go play basketball?
Kyle, I thought you hated basketball.
You wanted to quit.
I know, but daddy finished the race,
So I should finish basketball.
Did you hear that, cheryl?
The boy wants to walk in a trail that I blazed.
But there's only one set of footprints. Why?
Because I'm carrying him.
Oh!
Your toes look like mommy's.
Yeah, yeah.
There's another commitment in this room
That needs to be finished.
Aunt dana owes us a loser dance.
No way!
Uh, dana, technically, he did finish.
But he chea--
♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ This is called the loser dance ♪
♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ Careful, or I'll pee my pants ♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I don't know if that really read loser.
What do you think, kyle?
One more time!
Yeah!
This time, feel it, baby.
(Angrily) ♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ I'm a loser ♪
♪ This is called the loser dance ♪
And so I went around the last turn,
And my legs were saying, quit, kyle's dad! Quit!
And I said,
No, I'm not a quitter! I've got to finish.
If not for me, for me boy kyle.
So against all odds, I finished.
The end.
Well, thank you for coming to show-and-tell today.
Now would anyone like to ask kyle's dad a question?
Can I please wear your medal?
No. Next question.
My daddy said that you really didn't win.
You cheated.
Well, your daddy's probably jealous because,
Me being a hero and all.
Um, what does your daddy do for a living?
Fireman.
Yeah, well, see what I mean?
Yeah.
Any more questions?
My mommy says you quit the race early
And took a shortcut so people wouldn't find out.
Yeah, well, your mommy drinks.
Is it true, daddy? Are you a quitter?
Oh, kyle, no, i... I...
I was trying to teach you a lesson, see?
So that makes everything okay.
I told you kyle would find out.
Cheryl.
There he is!
The quitter with one giant eyebrow!
I should have sent him through the deli.
He would have never napped in there.
♪ You're a quitter, you're a quitter ♪
♪ Look, you're gonna pee your pants ♪
That's my medal!
Finally, a real man.
What?
Quitter! Quitter! Quitter! No!
Quitter! Quitter!
Quitter! Quitter!
No, kyle, I'm not a quitter!
Quitter! Quitter! Quitter!
I'm a cheater! I'm not a quitter!
Quitter. Quitter.
Quitter. Quitter.
Come on, baby.
You're no quitter.
Come on! Come on!
Whoo!
(Grunts)
Look at that, honey! A new family record!
You know, besides dana.
Come on.
You okay?
I said I'd finish... And I finished.
You did! I did.
You did!
Oh!
That's hot coffee!
I know, it's for me. It's freezing out here.
That's for you.
Cheryl, how did you know I'd be out here?
Oh, baby, your life is a lot like this race.
Takes you a little while, but eventually you get there.
Well, you know, if I'm gonna talk the talk with kyle,
I gotta be able to walk the walk.
Yeah, or crawl the crawl.
(Chuckles)
Come on, let's get you home.
Oh, you know what?
I really want to get home, but I gotta make one stop.
No, baby, I got doughnuts in the car.
You know what? I love you for that.
But that's not what I meant.
Hi, good morning.
Look, this belongs to you. I cheated.
No kidding.
How did you know?
You won!