Encyclopedia brown, boy detective,
Then said, 'i know who did it.'
How did encyclopedia know?
Turn to the solution page, daddy.
I don't need to, honey. I already know.
It was wilford wiggins.
I mean, everybody else's alibi was rock-solid.
I think bugs meany did it.
I don't think so, kyle.
He said he was watching tv,
But the power was out 'cause of the storm.
Don't feel bad, honey. Even the book got it wrong.
♪♪♪
Ahh.
Andy, I don't hear a thing.
Oh, there we go.
Come on, guys.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man.
Just please stay out of medical bag.
Well, it was right there, you know?
Okay. Who's got my speculum?
You mean my metal bird puppet?
Caw! Caw!
Hello!
Hey.
Who wants to hear
About the best trip to the market ever?
I do!
Remember--remember how I told you the fuji apples
Were gonna be incredible this year
Because of all the rainfall in japan?
Don't tell me you have some of those apples
In that bag right now. I do! I do.
I got there just as they were putting them out.
Isn't that lucky?
Ha! Lucky, honey, or good shopping?
Oh. I guess a little bit of both.
Yeah.
I hope there's room in the crisper!
Oh, fingers crossed!
What the hell was that?
I mean, come on, were you actually listening
To anything she was talking about?
Are you kidding me?
Come on, she went to the market. I don't give a crap.
Look, it's a husband's duty
To listen to their wife, whatever they have to say,
Even if it's a little boring.
You know, jim, I'm trying.
I've really been trying hard, you know?
But then, you know, dana comes home at the end of the day,
And she starts yammering about her day, right?
And I tune her out, and then she starts yelling at me,
Which means no sexy-sexy.
Of course not. Listening is the foreplay.
There is nothing harder
Than pretending to be interested
In your wife's end-of-the-day stories.
Well, then help me out. How do you do it?
You gotta find something that's extremely boring
And pay attention to it.
Hey, andy, what are you doing tonight?
Nothing. Why?
Why don't you take ryan out for a drink,
Tell him all about your star trek convention?
Oh, hell, yeah.
Don't you think I should work up to something like that?
Sink or swim.
Oh, what a day it was, okay?
We're at the v.f.w. Hall in decatur.
My friend jeffrey's dressed as a romulan.
I feel this tug on my cape. I'm thinking...
Ahem.
Oh, my god!
I thought you were in the kitchen.
You're like a rabbit. You're all over the place.
I was upstairs showing the apples to the kids.
Oh, great!
Yeah, yeah.
The boring apples that your boring wife
Got at the boring market.
I'm gonna go clean out that crisper.
No, you are not! How could you say that about me?
How could you even hear me?
How is it that every time there's something I say
That I don't want you to hear, you hear it?
It's like you got fbi ears. You work for the fbi!
Well, maybe if I worked for the fbi,
I wouldn't be so boring.
Well, honey, obviously, if you had a g*n and you fought crime,
You'd be a little more interesting.
Honey, I'm not saying you're boring.
Well...
You're not, honey.
All I'm saying is that at the end of the day,
Sometimes your stories don't sing.
Oh, I see, and your end-of-the-day stories
Are so fascinating.
(Deep voice) hey, I went to a lumberyard today.
(Imitating jim grunting)
I do not talk like that, cheryl.
Everybody knows that I am interesting.
I am a natural-born storyteller.
I am a showman.
Oh!
A showman.
I am a showman. Uh-huh.
Wherever I go, it seems like the spotlight finds me.
Yes, I am a teller of tales, if you will.
I am a raconteur.
This is good.
Where did you get these?
Honey, honey, I am just an interesting kind of guy.
Interesting things happen to me.
Why... (Chuckles)
I wouldn't be surprised if something interesting
Didn't happen to me on the way to the kitchen.
I didn't even plan that to happen.
Uhh! Uhh!
(Coughing)
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Look, I just saved a life.
Oh, my god, cheryl!
You are not gonna believe what just happened. What?
Guess who was in front of me at the coffee shop--oprah!
(Gasps) no way!
Ha ha! It gets better.
Oprah forgot her wallet, and she was totally mortified,
But I came to her rescue.
I bought oprah coffee.
You bought coffee for oprah?
Yes!
That's like buying coffee for...
There's nobody bigger than oprah.
I know! Look, she even autographed my cup.
Oh, my god.
Thanks a latte?
Oh, my god!
I know. She just came up with that on the spot.
Is there anything oprah can't do?
That is such a great story.
I know.
What did you guys talk about?
Mostly me, and then she had to go.
Oh, I have got to call ryan.
Oh, wait. You haven't told him yet?
No, you're the first person I told!
Okay, dana. Hmm?
I need your oprah story. What?
Yeah, I need to tell jim it happened to me.
No way. That's my story.
See?
Look, now you have an even better story
About how some crazy lady ruined your cell phone.
Come on. Hey, hey, hey, give me that cup. No. You can't have it.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
Because jim said I was boring.
Well...
Come on, come on, come on. Give me that cup. Bite me.
Oh, hey, hey, hey! Oh, oh!
Hey, hey, hey, oh, oh!
(Both grunting)
Ow! Okay, let go, let go, let go. Ahh!
I think it's clear that I am desperate, boring woman.
Yeah.
And I want that story,
And if I don't get it...
I'm gonna tell ryan you never graduated from college.
Two credits short. Who cares?
Ryan loves me for who I am.
But mom doesn't.
That's right. That's right. I'll tell her.
And I'll tell her that you spent your tuition on weed.
But I didn't.
Oh, yeah.
Who's she gonna believe-- you or a college graduate?
(Groans)
Thanks a latte.
You saw oprah in a coffee shop? Yeah.
That's like seeing...
Well, there's no one bigger than oprah.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then we talked, you know, for like an hour.
You know?
I recommended some books, you know?
Apparently, I'm a lot like gayle.
Really? I don't remember that part of the story.
Yeah, well, your memory never really recovered from college,
Did it?
And she's out of cash. Yeah.
I love that part. That's irony, my friends.
I know.
You know, dana, you go into that coffee shop every day.
How come nothing interesting ever happens to you?
Oh, oh! Here's something.
Here's something interesting. I didn't tell you this.
My cell phone broke today.
So, cheryl, did you guys talk about stedman at all?
No, no.
You know, I don't want to monopolize the conversation
With my silly, little, end-of-the-day stories.
So, jim, anything interesting happen to you today?
Uh, yeah.
Really? How did the spotlight find you?
Oh! You will not believe how long it took
To get to the marble warehouse.
How long?
Well...
You know, like, uh, like an hour and a half.
It's only miles.
Wow. Oh, darn it.
I really have to pee,
But I don't wanna miss the big ending.
What happened?
There was a lot of traffic.
Well, i, uh, ahem. I think it's safe for you to pee now.
Oh.
Cheryl wasted me with that oprah story.
I'm the interesting one!
I gotta come up with something that's gonna top that.
Jim, come on, man.
There's no topping oprah.
She did a whole show on jeans for every figure.
There's a way, there's a way.
Come on. A lot of exciting things happen around here.
What's on the agenda for today?
Well, pretty much you sittin' there,
Me sittin' here, and then lunch.
Oh!
And I might go jeans shopping.
Oh, great. Hey, cheryl,
Andy bought a pair of jeans that gave him a teardrop ass.
Yeah, that's gonna work.
Why don't you make something up?
Cheryl will never know the difference.
That's a good idea. What do you got in mind?
Okay, okay. Um...
We're on the way to the marble warehouse.
Okay.
Uh, but this time, there is no traffic.
No, no, no, man. There's no nothing.
All right.
We get up there.
We're the only two people left on the face of the earth.
Great. Until cheryl realizes she's here, too.
So it was only then
That I realized my t-shirt wasn't white.
Guess what color it was. Eggshell?
Oh, my god! You're amazing!
That's incredible.
Hey, doc. You've been trainin', huh?
Nope. Drinkin'.
Ah. That'll help.
Hey, jim.
Hey.
So... Anything interesting happen to you today?
No, not really.
Nothing oprah interesting.
Oh, well, baby, maybe tomorrow.
(Breathing heavily)
Oh, my god! Andy!
What happened?
Are you all right?
Yes, thanks to this brave, brave man.
This lion.
What happened?
This humble, humble man saved my life!
Oh, come on.
See, we had just gotten back from the marble warehouse.
You know what? You're getting a little weak.
Why don't you sit down? I'll take care of this.
Don't worry about it.
We just got back from the marble warehouse, right?
And andy went into the site trailer to take a nap,
And, well, I was outside,
And then all of a sudden, what did I smell? Smoke.
(Gasps)
And where there's smoke, there's...
Smokers?
Come on. Ruby?
What was the question?
Fire!
(Gasps) there was a fire?
Yes! There were flames just burning
Up the side of the site trailer.
And there was smoke inside, and I knew andy was there.
You ran into a burning building?
Oh, I had to. I had to. Andy was passed out.
From the long drive to the marble warehouse.
So I went in there.
I was fighting through the flames, right?
And then I picked him up,
Threw him on my shoulder and I walked out.
You carried him?
Well, it was the adrenaline.
That's a lot of adrenaline.
Well, you know, you get that superhuman strength
When a loved one is in danger.
Whoa, look out. Burgers are burning.
Hey.
So, cheryl, uh,
Anything interesting happen to you today?
Oh, uh...
I guess not.
Maybe tomorrow.
(Inhaling and exhaling deeply)
I heard that.
Come on. Cough it up. Let's go.
You're hooked on this oxygen, aren't you?
I've never thought so clearly, jim.
I bought a whole case.
I got bottles under the table.
You want one?
First one's free.
Give me that. Put that down.
You're crazy.
(Telephone rings)
Hello?
Oh, hi, cheryl.
Oh, so you're fixing a hero sandwich for your hero.
Well, that's nice, honey.
I look forward to coming home tonight
And having that hero sandwich. Lunch?
She wants to come down here
And show the kids the fire damage.
What do I say? What do I say?
Make something up! You're the showman.
Give her a little razzle-dazzle.
Well, honey, uh...
We're pretty busy.
Oh, honey. Come on.
Ruby wants to take pictures for her school paper.
All right. See you in a bit.
She's gonna be here in ten minutes.
We gotta come up with something quick. Quick!
(Panting)
(Inhales and exhales deeply)
I got it. You and I hit the road,
And we start new lives in canada.
Take another hit.
(Inhales deeply)
I got it. We set the building on fire.
Better.
Ha ha! Yeah!
Ah, look at that!
Whoo!
I love fire. Look at that.
So hypnotizing.
I'm a pyro from way back.
Oh, you've done this before?
Uh, yeah, but I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Okay, let's control it over there a little bit.
All right.
Put a little out over there.
Andy!
What the hell? I thought you filled that thing up.
I did. I... Then you thought it'd be funny
To surprise me in the port-a-john.
Oh, my.
(Both blowing)
Man, look at that!
I'm running out of breath. I'm gonna get my oxygen.
Oxygen?! Where's the oxygen?
Inside the trailer behind the burning wall.
Everybody out! Everybody, back up!
Get away from the building now!
Oh! Aah! Jim! Jim, I'm stuck! My foot's stuck!
Help me!
(Grunting)
All right, hold on, hold on. Ow!
Where's the key on this thing?
Jim! Hold on, hold on!
No, save yourself! I'll try and chew my foot off!
Good idea! Start chewin'!
Uhh!
Jim, put your seat belt on!
Who put this here? It's a safety hazard!
I got you, andy. I gotcha, I gotcha. My foot!
Down, jim, down!
Andy, hold on, I gotcha! Go, jim, go!
Hold on!
Drive, jim, drive like the wind! Aah!
(Screaming)
(Jim) keep your head down! Keep your head down!
Oh! Oh!
Keep your head down!
What can I say?
Spotlight always seems to find me.
Okay, so I'm supposed to believe
That there was a fire at your site trailer
Two days in a row?
Look, cheryl...
Fine.
I wasn't gonna tell you this. I was trying to protect you.
But, you know, this being chicago, and...
Me being in the construction business...
I got mob ties.
You've got to be kidding me.
I just crossed the wrong guys, cheryl.
Hmm. What guys, jim?
You know...
Johnny sack and his crew.
Johnny sack.
Jim...
I watched the sopranos with you!
Fine, cheryl. Fine.
I wanted to top your oprah story.
I'm competitive! I'm a showman!
I wanted to b*at you so bad that I almost wiped out
A reasonably skilled, non-union construction crew.
Oh, jim.
Oh, jim.
Oh, jim. Don't do oh, jim!
This is a new low, even for you.
You know, it's funny.
Oprah and I talked about this.
We did.
We talked about how important it is
To be truthful with your mate.
Tell him, cheryl.
Tell him it was me who bought oprah coffee.
What?!
I don't know what she's talking about.
(Sighs) I need the truth.
He's drinking every day because I'm boring.
It's also because I like it.
You know what it is? You know what it is?
She's jealous. You know, oprah said this would happen.
Oh! She stole my anecdote because you said she was boring.
Well, well, well!
Oh, oh, don't well, well, well me!
You blew up your office!
You blew up your office? That's awesome.
Yeah.
All right. Now you are gonna sit down
And you are gonna listen to every detail of my oprah story.
Oh, no, no, no. Let's listen about the burning...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, so let me set the scene.
I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans. You know the ones.
You like those ones. I think oprah liked 'em, too.
She was wearing a slate blue-gray suit.
Oh, great.
What?
You're gonna sit there. I'm gonna sit here.
And we're gonna talk about our feelings
For the next six hours.
Let's just cut to the chase, okay, honey?
We're both boring.
We both lied.
We're both crazy.
Crazy. Yeah.
Crazy in love with each other.
What?
Well, why do you think it's so important
Not to be boring?
Honey, you know why I'm a showman?
You like the attention.
Yeah. I do. I love the attention...
From you.
Cheryl, you know, most people live their lives.
They talk about their kids, and they go to bed.
But you and me, we got a little magic going here.
We got electricity.
(Imitating electricity crackling)
We lie. We blow things up.
Are you saying...
You blew up your site trailer for me?
Baby, that was a -foot fireball of love.
Oh!
That is so romantic.
I'm a showman.