(Snoring)
Uncle andy, wake up, wake up!
What? What? Um...
Oh, what do you punks want?
Come in the kitchen. We need your help.
Yeah...
And if I go into said kitchen, children,
Is it possible something might fall on my head?
Yeah, go in there!
Kyle, you're supposed to say no.
Ha ha ha. Ah, my little chimps,
Uncle andy's a little too smart
To fall for the bucket-over-the-door gag.
The pudding in the loafers gag, however...
(Laughing)
Why, you!
(Screaming)
Oh, crap.
(Jim laughs)
That'll teach your uncle andy
Not to sleep in my chair!
(Laughing)
It's still pudding.
♪♪♪
What they don't teach you in school
Is that our founding fathers signed
The declaration of independence in pencil.
So since they were in philadelphia,
They called the state pencil-vania.
All right, kids,
Why don't you go get your backpacks ready?
You know, if they signed it in louisville,
It would have been called pencil-tucky.
They don't have a sense of humor, these girls.
Little morning humor, little jokes.
So, honey, how are you this morning?
Honey?
I'm fine.
I'm fine. Uh, I gotta go to work. I'm late.
No, wait. You're not late.
Honey, stay, talk to me. Have some peach.
Unh-unh. No, thank you.
Uh, I gotta go, honey. I gotta go.
No, jim, every day this week, you rush right off.
Well, it's not rushing, honey. I just gotta get to work.
Honey, is something bothering you?
No, no, uh, I'm--i'm fine.
Really?
Is it-- is it the new sheets?
Work?
(Gasps) I know.
Are the bears having trouble scoring runs?
I'm fine. I'll see ya tonight.
Hey, jim.
I'm fine!
Man, something's really bothering jim.
I wish I could get him to open up about it.
You know, before ryan and I got married,
We went and saw a therapist.
Oh, yeah.
Mom's passive-aggressive engagement gift.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ryan totally opened up, and I learned so much
About his relationship with his mother.
So now I can nag him in a way that's different from her.
Wow. Oh, I wish I could get jim into therapy.
There's no way.
He goes to a barber in chinatown
Just to avoid personal questions.
So trick him into it.
Oh, dana, I could never trick him.
I mean, unless you explained how really slowly.
Well, I think you know our therapist, sally woo.
Oh, yeah, her kid's in gracie's class--dakota woo.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, so invite sally over,
Tell jim she's here for brunch,
And then put out a big plate of bacon.
(Gasps) oh, you know, the scent of breakfast meats
Always relaxes jim.
It's like--it's like his aromatherapy.
Exactly. So then you set the mood,
And you let sally take it from there.
What if it doesn't work?
Well, then you should pack your bags, hit the road,
And earn your keep as a table dancer.
(Crowd cheering on tv)
So, jim,
Cheryl invites her friend sally over for brunch,
And you invite me. I smell a fix up.
I didn't invite you, andy.
Then maybe I just smell bacon.
And plenty of it, huh? You know what?
I feel so relaxed.
I can't treat jim without his permission.
Therapy is based on trust
And the patient's willingness to participate.
I'm sorry. I just can't justify it ethically.
Oh, that's okay. It's too bad, though,
'Cause I was gonna give you my recipe
For sinfully sweet double chunk brownies.
(Gasps) the brownies you won
The school bake-off with three times?
Yeah.
I shouldn't, though, you know,
'Cause I don't think I could justify it,
You know, ethically.
Oh.
Half now...
Half when the job is done.
Hey, sis.
Andy. What are you doing here?
Jim invited me.
No, I didn't!
Ahem.
Oh.
Sally, this is my brother andy.
Hello. Hi.
She's married.
Let her tell me.
(Sally) so...
Jim, you're a contractor.
Yes.
That's sort of a seasonal job, isn't it?
Well, yeah, seasonal.
Kinda like, uh, football, which is on tv right now.
That kind of work must make you a little nervous,
Unsure about the future.
Well, not really, but you know who's unsure about the future?
These football players on tv right now.
Do you ever wake up in the morning
And just kind of wonder if it's all gonna end?
Oh, god, I do.
(Gasps) we never know from month to month
If there's gonna be another job.
I got a mortgage. I got a new car.
I bought the biggest karaoke machine they make.
I don't know why.
Andy, hey, honey, you want some bacon?
What? You want me to eat my feelings? Who are you, mom?
Oh, who am I kidding?
Jim, I just think you might have some insecurities
And would probably benefit by talking about them.
How does that make you feel?
Like I have two wives.
What's goin' on?
Sally's a therapist. What?!
Cheryl... So she's here for me, is that it?
Is that what you're telling me?
Jim, cheryl was concerned about you,
And she just thought I could help.
You're trying to trick me into therapy?
Good god, woman, on game day?
Honey, i-i just wanna know why you've been
So quiet at breakfast lately.
You wanna know what's bothering me? Yes.
All right. I'll tell you what's botherin' me.
It's the peaches.
What?
It's the crazy, bizarro way
You eat the peaches!
You cut up those peaches into little cubes,
And you got the colored toothpicks
And you pick... Each... One... Out, and you...
Then you put it back in the peach!
Nobody eats peaches like that! Who eats peaches like that?!
Honey, that can't be it. I mean, that's nothing.
I know it's nothing. That's why I told you it was nothing.
It feels bad in the moment,
And then when you're done, it passes.
It's just like when a doctor checks your prostate.
Exactly.
You're lookin' forward to it for weeks,
And then it's over like that.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
(Chuckles) it's not like that.
Um, my doctor's a woman.
How are your tuesday afternoons?
Is it really about the peaches?
Yes, cheryl, it's about the peaches.
It's just about...
The peaches!
Do you remember what dr. Sally said?
Cuttin' up those peaches in those little cubes--
It's obsessive.
Jim, I can't allow the juice to touch my face.
What's obsessive about that?
I don't know.
Why don't you trick yourself into therapy and find out?
Okay, honey, look,
If it was really about the peaches,
Why couldn't you just tell me?
Because I'm the kind of guy who likes to sleep
Instead of talking about summer fruit all night!
Is it so weird that I wanna know your thoughts?
Honey, you wanna know all of my thoughts.
Not every thought has to be put into your precious words.
You know what happens to thoughts
When they don't come out? Yes, they go away.
But not with you.
No, you wanna talk and talk and talk
And then talk some more. Oh, I guess it would be better for you
If I didn't talk at all.
Is that on the menu?
Oh, come on. You'd be a mess in three days.
(Laughs) are you kiddin' me? I'd love it.
You know, honey, some men dream of sex.
I dream of silence...
And sex.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Fine. Fine. Three days.
I'm not gonna talk to you for three days.
You're not gonna last.
I can, and I will.
Ah. Three seconds. You just broke it.
Well, come on, honey, we have to talk about--
Bap, bap, bap, bap, bappety, bappety, be ba bap.
Ah, I kinda like this.
It's so...
Non-talky.
Oh, by the way...
You eat grapes weird, too.
Oh, and you know what?
The children are smart because of me.
You know what? I never really liked oprah.
(Gasps)
Oh, one more thing...
I love you, honey, but you know what?
I never wash my hands after I go to the bathroom. Oh!
(Whistles)
Good morning to you, my fine young lass.
Ah, what a beautiful morning it is.
Hey, did you know
That the birds were singing outside our bedroom window?
And I heard them...
For the first time.
Oh, here's an interesting article.
There's a man here that's just been
Reunited with his father after years.
Gee...
That's almost as long as it's been
Since I've seen my father.
What's that look?
What's it mean, cheryl?
Does it mean, how do you feel, jim?
Or is it, I wonder what marmaduke is up to?
(Laughs)
That dog is way too big to ride in that bus.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you writing?
In exactly two minutes,
My three days of silence are over.
So I'm making a list of everything that's bugging jim.
You know, you're only on here twice?
Hmm. Well, I was busy with work. Oh.
So if you haven't been talking to jim,
How do you know what's buggin' him?
Oh, it's easy. Everything bugs him. Oh.
You know, I saw him get in a fight with a napkin once?
Yeah. So why is that your problem?
Dana, it's my job.
If jim doesn't talk about these things with me,
Then the pressure builds up, and he explodes.
Okay, so jim gets three days of quiet,
And then you rush in and you fix all his problems?
I say, zip your lip and let him blow.
Is that on the menu?
Ahem.
Oh, here comes my young, silent bride,
And by the official timepiece,
You've made it.
All right, sit down.
You've got three days of yap stored up.
Let it rip.
Actually, jim, cheryl's not gonna do that.
Your wife has realized that nothing she was gonna say to you
In the last three days was important. You were right.
(Gasps)
A silent you were right.
Oh, you dream of one,
But you never think it's gonna happen.
So as of now, cheryl is completely
Giving up talking to you.
And you're okay with that?
Nothin' else is gonna change? You're happy?
(Laughs) carry on, baby!
Cheryl also wanted me to tell you you're a jackass.
Fine, that one was from me.
(Laughs)
Jim.
What?
Are you gonna be okay with her not talking to you again?
Are you kiddin' me? She's not gonna make the week,
And until then, let me tell ya,
I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it.
Come on. Hot, blonde and silent.
I've built the perfect wife.
Mom's gonna love this. Mm.
I'm fine, by the way.
What?
Well, would it k*ll you to ask me how I'm doin'?
I mean, we've been here for three hours.
Okay. How you doin', jim?
I said I was fine.
I already told you that. Jeez. Get off my back.
Jim, uh, in my work with dr. Sally woo,
I've learned about the dangers of unprocessed feelings.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
You hear that?
What?
(Buzzing)
The fly. You hear that fly?
The little bugger's been tormenting me all day.
It's driving me crazy.
Right. The fly.
Are you sure it's the fly that's tormenting you?
Uhh! What are you talkin' about?
Uhh! Jim.
(Both) aah!
Aah.
Jim! Jim, get a hold of yourself.
You're losin' it, man.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I should settle down.
Yeah.
It's just a fly.
Fooled ya!
Jim!
Get a hold of yourself, man!
These pretzels were completely innocent.
Oh!
Okay, give me that bat! Come and get it!
(Deep voice, british accent) enough.
Let go of your anger.
(Normal voice) there you go.
Now I know you say that you're happy
That cheryl isn't talking to you,
But from where I stand, somethin' ain't right.
Everything is fine.
Then give me the bat.
No! Uhh!
(Deep voice) give me the bat.
(Grunts) fine.
Take it.
(Sighs)
(Imitates lightsaber sound)
Jeepers, jim. Sometimes you really worry me.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
(Whispers) hold still.
And why is that, jim?
(Gags)
Talk to your wife.
(Gags)
(Imitates lightsaber sound)
Yeah. Andy thinks that there's somethin' bothering me.
I think he's nuts. I mean, I k*lled the damn fly.
I mean, you know, unless you think
There's something bothering me.
Fine. Fine. Don't talk to me.
Don't tell me what's botherin' me.
I don't need to know. I don't need you.
I don't need you.
I can figure out what's botherin' me.
I-i know what's botherin' me.
The same thing that's always bothered me--
Taxes! Taxes and traffic!
Money?
Something with the kids?
Come on, cheryl!
Forget it! Forget it! I can figure it out myself!
There's too much silence in here, and I can't concentrate,
That's all it is! I'm just gonna go in the other room,
Make some noise, and I'm gonna figure it out my damn self!
(Pounding and grunting)
I think I know what's bothering you.
Really?
Everything.
Everything?
Yeah, jim. Everything bothers you.
Well, that sounds...
Sounds right.
Yeah. See, jim, you need someone to talk to.
You need a sounding board.
For the last years,
That sounding board has been me.
You miss me.
That's not it, cheryl. That's not it.
That's not it. I like the silence.
Oh, okay.
I do.
Okay.
It's just...
I just don't like being out there alone.
Too many things get broken.
And how is that different from you miss me?
I don't know.
It's not so girly.
Honey.
What?
Oh, when I ask you what's bothering you,
I'm not trying to upset you. I'm trying to help you.
I know that now. Uh-huh.
I do. Good.
And thank you. You're welcome.
I do miss you. I know.
I mean, you know, a little bit.
(Laughs)
(Exhales deeply)
(Sighs) mm.
You know, cheryl... Hmm?
You don't have to know every thought
That's goin' on in my mind.
I mean, sometimes a peach is just a peach, cheryl.
I know. I know. Honey, I totally get that,
And to show you the value of good communication...
(Gasps)
Oh, that is so hot!
Cheryl?
Aah! Juice on my face! Juice on my face!
I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it. Oh! Oh! Oh!