Yes, I am. No, you're not.
You're stupider. No, you're stupider.
Hey, you two, knock it off over there!
Kyle, will you just sit still?
Leave my face alone.
Cool! An eyelash!
Make a wish!
Whatever will I wish for? (Blows)
Hey, jim, I'm off to go see piggy goes to paris.
Guy alone at a kiddie movie with a bag full of candy...
Well, you get the picture. I need to borrow the brats.
Fantastic. Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
(Children) yay!
(Blows)
Hey. Where are the kids?
Oh, they went to the movies with andy.
We're alone? Yeah.
Upstairs, naked, now!
(Blows) (cheryl) and grab the leftover pizza.
We'll eat it in bed afterwards while we watch football.
I've got magic hair.
♪♪♪
Hey. Hey.
Looks like I'm eating here tonight.
Seems my husband prefers teaching med students
How to knock up -year-old women
To actually knocking me up.
I told you, marry blue collar.
You do more laundry, but they're home for dinner. Yeah.
Mom? Yeah?
What's knocking up?
Uh, well, you know how when you knock somebody down?
Well, it's the opposite of that.
Hey, I know! Let's go knock up kyle!
Okay!
Sorry.
Ah, don't worry about it.
Last week, jim told them knocking boots
Was what you did to get the snow off your feet.
I forget they're at the age when they have questions.
Yeah, well, I think ruby's about to have a lot more.
They're showing a sex ed video to her class.
You know it's state law?
Why can't they just learn about sex the way we did,
At camp from the hairy girl with the hippie parents?
Because I don't want them thinking they can't get pregnant
If they do it in a tree.
We got so lucky.
Seriously.
Anyway, all the parents
Have to see the video first tomorrow night,
And I have to break it to jim.
Oh, my god, will you take a picture of his face
The moment he realizes his daughter will one day have sex?
No, girls, that's not what knocking up means!
Just leave your little brother alone!
Stop it!
What's going on with them?
Oh, you won't care in a minute.
What?
Uh, honey, so tomorrow night,
We're gonna go to ruby's school and...
And watch a sex ed video that they're gonna show to her class.
(Groans)
Chair.
Chair.
Beer. Beer.
Beer.
Out.
Oh, come on.
He means you.
Run. Run! (Screams)
Okay, honey.
(Burps)
Cheryl.
Mm-hmm?
I thought we covered this.
How do we break bad news to me?
After sex, or when you're cashing your paycheck.
That's regular bad news. This is special bad news!
Well, jim, I didn't have enough eggs to make flan.
Sex ed video, my eye.
Are you kidding me?
She's not gonna watch no sex ed video.
These people are stupid. She's only years old!
Well, first of all, she's .
? Yes.
She's already ?! Yes, honey.
And secondly, it's illinois state law.
Illinois, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. Illinois.
Illinois with the silent s.
Look, jim, all the kids in her class
Are gonna be seeing this movie.
Now do you want her to get the information firsthand
Or on the playground later from her friends?
You let her talk to kids at a playground
Who talk about sex?!
She's gonna hear something somewhere,
And chances are it's not gonna be accurate.
Well, that's true.
You know, I went out with a girl once
Who thought if you did it in a tree,
You couldn't get pregnant,
I got so lucky.
And she didn't get pregnant.
Well, I get it.
I do. I get it.
It's the right thing to do.
I think ruby should learn, you know,
A healthy, mature approach to the old squeaky squeaky.
Yeah, honey.
Ah, she's sure lucky to have a dad like you.
You know squeaky squeaky means sex, right?
Yeah, I know.
If we were in a hot tub, it would be splashy splashy.
Yeah, I got it.
You know what they'd call it if you were on a trampoline?
No.
Boingy boingy.
Hey, hey, you know what this is?
Annoying annoying.
Are you sure it's not clever clever?
Hey, jim, ruby's gonna do it.
(Gasps)
Hi, mrs. Clark.
Cheryl, it's so good to see you. How are you?
Okay, here's what I don't get.
All the taxes I'm paying for schools,
And you people can't put out a few lousy snacks?
All right, everyone, let's go and take our seats,
And we'll get started, thank you. Fine.
I can't believe this.
Now as most of you know,
This is my first year teaching fifth grade,
So I haven't seen the film.
But they've been showing it here for years without any complaint.
It's called answer the phone, puberty's calling.
Puberty.
It's gonna be a long night.
Long.
Oh, hi.
You're early.
Anyway, my name is ben.
And, oh, here comes my good friend margo.
What's happening, ben?
Hey, margo.
Hi, kids.
We're gonna take you on a groovy trip
To better understanding your changing bodies.
Far out, margo.
You boys out there
May have noticed some new stuff going down--
Like hair growing around your penis and testicles.
Don't freak out.
(Muffled laughter)
Get a grip.
Grip. Get a grip.
And I'll be rapping with the gals.
Remember, young people just like you
Are going through the same thing
All over this big blue marble.
Like my friend cindy.
(Rings)
(Ring)
(Ring)
Hello. This is cindy.
Hello, cindy, guess who?
It's puberty calling.
Someday soon, you're going to have your first period.
But I have a social studies quiz.
Don't worry. You won't miss that quiz.
But you are on your way to becoming a woman.
Oh, my god.
You see, cindy, your uterine lining will thicken
And slough off every days.
This is called menstruation.
It happens to every woman.
Ask your mom tonight at suppertime.
No! No! No! No! No!
It'll be a cold day in hell
When my daughter watches a tape like this!
I-i'm sorry.
Not a fan of menstruation.
All right, come on, let's stash this stuff in my trunk.
I scored batteries, english muffins--ooh--
And the new us weekly. Oh.
I got coffee and bubble bath. I just love baby-sitting here.
It saves me a trip to the market.
Cheryl, I don't wanna explain.
I'm not giving back the tape.
Jim... I'm not gonna do it.
If you don't give back the tape, you look crazy.
And I look crazy for marrying you.
I'll tell you what's crazy. You know what's crazy?
All the batteries and english muffins
We go through in this house! That's crazy!
Hey, hey, what are you guys doing home so early?
Jim stole the sex ed video in front of everybody and ran out!
Oh, jim, if you have questions, you can always come to me.
Hey, I'll show you how to get after it.
Honey, look...
You're just freaking out because you're starting to realize
That your little girl is becoming a young woman.
You're not upset about the tape.
You're upset that puberty's calling.
I'm upset, cheryl.
I'm upset about the tape, and you will be, too,
As soon as you see it.
See that girl?
Yeah. That's cindy. Hmm.
What, you think she's , now?
Likes to get after it?
You see that boy in the background? Yeah.
Let me tell you a little story
About a -year-old boy's first and only acting job.
Is that...
A boy named jim.
My mother used to make me do all kinds of things for money.
She used to make me steal dogs and return them for the reward.
One time, I hung around a track for a week
Trying to get a horse to kick me in the head.
This movie actually was one of the better gigs.
I just can't believe you never told me
You did a sex ed movie.
I didn't know it was a sex ed movie till tonight.
She told me it was a horror film.
Jim teaching kids about sex? I'm scared.
Hey, jim, something else we have in common--
I, too, was a child actor. Nay, star.
Star? You were a goofy kid selling cake mix.
Momma dibbs old-fashioned cake mix.
And I b*at out cusack for that part.
Timmy cusack!
Still a cusack!
Would you stop it?
Jim, I just don't know what you're so worried about.
I mean, you're just a boy in the background.
Cheryl, now you know me.
When have I ever stayed in the background?
(Ben) fred likes to look at cindy.
She's the grooviest girl in class.
Yeah, I remember this now.
That director jerk told me that cindy was a ghost,
And that I should look at her, be scared,
And then look down.
Why down?
Oh, god.
But sometimes looking at cindy gets fred excited.
It's okay, fred.
Don't worry. Everything's cool.
(Phone rings)
He--
(Clears throat) hello?
(Ben) puberty's calling you, too, fred.
That's why your voice is cracking
And you're developing body odor and pimples.
You're a real treat, fred.
Nobody can see this tape. I'm not giving it back.
You have to give it back.
If you don't, they'll just get another copy.
Crap, I didn't even think about that.
What is the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is, dana.
I'll tell you what the big deal is.
I don't want my daughter learning about men
By watching her father pop one!
There's no way I can have my daughter see this.
My little sweetheart is not gonna watch this tape!
We can still watch it.
There are a lot of changes going on inside of fred.
(Margo) let's look at a cross section
Of his testicles and penis.
Oh! Okay, we're done here.
Yeah.
Yeah. Sorry about the blindfold, jim.
I just can't take any chances.
If this location ever got out, well, that could be bad.
This is your basement.
You don't know that.
Andy, I helped you put the drywall up.
I can hear my kids playing outside.
Damn it, now I gotta knock you out. Oh, stop it.
Will you be serious for a minute here?
Come on, man, this is important.
Now show me with all this crap
How you're gonna make this video different
So nobody knows it's me. Hey, jim, come on.
Putting a head on someone else's body--
It's a piece of cake.
I do it for my friends' online dating photos
All the time, okay?
Just let me fire up the computer, all right?
All right, all right. Computer on.
It seems some pranksters have infiltrated my location here.
Come on, man. Find a head to replace mine.
Oh, I got the perfect one in mind.
Did you ever see my cake commercial? No.
Mmm, gimme a piece of that!
Right there. You see that?
The bodies, the expression, it's perfect.
I mean, it's gonna take all night,
But I can have it to you by morning. All right.
Oh, jim, don't tell anyone you were here.
Not a problem.
I guess I just freaked out
At the thought of my sweet, darling little angel
Becoming this menstruating...
That's right.
A menstruating woman.
And it won't happen again.
It's understandable, jim. Thank you.
Did you notice I put out snacks? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, apples and carrots.
Oh, well.
I hope my nerd brother came through for us.
Oh, my god, that looks great.
Yeah. He did good.
(Ben) fred likes to look at cindy.
She's the grooviest girl in class.
Mmm, gimme a piece of that!
That idiot forgot to erase the audio!
But sometimes looking at cindy
Gets fred excited.
Better save some for daddy!
This is not educational! This is a p*rn!
I want mine with whipped cream!
(All groaning)
You know, jim was right.
Our kids should never see this video.
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
I want to speak to the principal.
Yes!
I demand that you get a new tape
And never, ever use this tape ever again!
I mean, come on, please.
We have to protect our children from filth like this.
Yes.
And seriously... Apples and carrots!
We're done growing!
How about some... Some pretzels and wings?
(All) yeah!
How about pretzels, beers and wings?
(All) pretzels, beers and wings!
Pretzels, beers and wings! Oh, my!
Pretzels, beers and wings!
Oh, yes!
Pretzels, beers and wings!
Hey.
Hey.
So, so, so, so how did it go?
Great. Ruby had her sex ed class today.
They had class discussion, diagrams, but no video.
Yes!
We can put that behind us now.
Yes, the elusive jim gets away with another one.
All right, honey, not so fast. What?
We still have to go upstairs and talk to ruby. What?
Yeah, her homework assignment is to talk to us
About what she learned today.
(Groans)
Oh, honey, I know it's hard.
Cheryl, how about instead of having that talk,
Why don't we just lock her up in the basement
Until her wedding day?
And we'll let her out if her fiancé
Can b*at me at a sword fight.
I really think it's time to do this.
Cheryl, once we have this talk,
There's no going back.
I know.
This is my little girl we're talking about here.
You know what my first thought was when she was born
And the doctor said it was a girl?
Yeah. Damn it, I wanted a boy.
Okay, my second thought...
It was that this sweet little angel
Was gonna grow up and be a woman.
And that was gonna suck!
I know, honey. She did grow up fast.
But it's our job to make sure she knows
What she needs to know.
I know, but i...
I just can't get myself to do it.
Are we doing my sex talk or not?
(Groans)
Be strong.
(Whispering) don't make me do this.
We have to.
We have to? Yeah.
All right, rube, let's go up to your room.
Oh. Oh!
Daddy, is it okay if I just talk to mommy?
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure. Why not?
I mean, you sure you don't want me to
Talk to you about some stuff?
Because, you know, daddy knows a lot of stuff.
And especially with a sex talk like this,
You might want a guy around to talk about stuff.
Is it getting hot in here?
'Cause I'm starting to see little lights.
I just think it'd be easier talking to mommy.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, I think it's really important
That you and your mom have this special time together.
Now I'll just stay out of the way.
Okay, daddy. Bye.
Bye, sweetheart.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, baby.
Daddy?
Daddy?
I can't breathe.
Hey, baby, will you do me a favor?
Hmm?
Will you not talk to ruby for a year or so?