Oh, my gosh.
Nicole across the street-- her dad is the coolest.
He was a semipro baseball player.
He caught a rattlesnake with his bare hands.
And he has a nickel from !
Her dad can water ski barefoot,
And he got pat sajak's autograph.
It was so cool. We saw the picture.
Yeah, we saw the picture. It was so awesome.
That's awesome. So cool.
(All cheering)
♪♪♪
Okay, what do you think?
It's perfect. Very festive.
I know!
I know, but is one exclamation point enough?
Because I am pretty excited!
It's perfect. Very festive.
Oh! Thank you, guys! Thanks so much for your help!
I'm gonna go get the kids.
(Cell phone beeps)
Is that you again? Grow up. No.
No, it's probably ryan. Maybe it's an emergency.
"Made you look. Ha ha."
See the little devil face?
That's 'cause I'm being kind of a rascal.
Hey.
Ohh.
My birthday. Hey, dana, did you get me
The beer of the month club thing?
Yeah, this year, it comes with a calendar
So you can pace yourself.
Not gonna happen!
Andy, cubs tickets?
Oh, yeah, opening day. You and me.
Uh, actually, I was gonna take kyle this year.
Fine, it's your day.
Where's cheryl, upstairs, getting the kids ready
For the big moment?
Yeah, so go back outside, make a lot of noise
And come back in looking surprised like every year.
Okay, okay, and you're gonna put down that magazine
And pretend like you like me, right?
I'll put down the magazine.
Cheryl, hurry up! I think I hear jim coming!
Whoa, who put up that sign? Wow, that's festive.
Okay, guys, it's daddy's birthday,
So big smiles!
(All) happy birthday!
Oh, my god!
Wow! Holy...
I mean... Man!
Wow!
Honey, happy birthday.
Oh, you should have seen your face.
What a surprise.
Oh! You should feel my heart.
It's b*ating like... Like... Wow!
I could tell, I could tell. You looked totally surprised.
Didn't he? Didn't he, dana? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, we got you, man. We got you good.
Easy.
Happy birthday, daddy.
Oh, thank you, young kyle.
Let's see what you got your daddy.
Moisturizer!
From france.
From france! Yeah!
Just when I thought I couldn't get any moister.
Thank you very much, kyle.
Happy birthday, daddy.
Oh, girls, you're so sweet. What did you get me here?
Look at that! It's a, uh...
Sweater vest.
A very smart one. Yes!
Sure, look at that.
I mean, it keeps you warm,
Yet you still have a full range of motion with your arms.
Thank you, girls.
Hey, honey.
This one's from me.
Wow, this is a big one. I know.
Maybe it's a pair of sweater pants
To go with his sweater vest.
They don't make those. I've checked.
A... Watercolor painting set.
For me.
Yeah! Yeah! Now you can learn how to paint.
You know how I love to learn.
Thank you, cheryl.
Those paints are perfect, jim.
Now you have another way of expressing yourself
Besides yelling at the tv.
Damn it, I wanted to go to that cubs game!
What happened to us? Sit down.
Can we have cake now?
Absolutely. Cake! Wait, wait, wait.
Let me light the candles so you can make your wish.
Cheryl, a wish? Now?
I have a sweater vest, french moisturizer
And a watercolor set.
For me to wish for anything more would just be greedy.
Wow, what a great birthday.
(Whistles)
What's that?
It's your paint set.
Oh, I didn't recognize it.
You know, out of the box,
Standing there staring at me.
Well, honey, there's a full moon.
I thought maybe you could paint it
While I go take a nice, relaxing shower.
Actually, I'd like to look through my beer catalog, honey.
You know, it helps me sleep.
Jim, you gotta see this moon, with the clouds...
You should see this beer-- made in bosnia!
I think they make it in prison.
Honey, the moon's not like this every night.
Cheryl, you know what?
I wanna be nice about this, but you know what?
If the moon was crashing into another moon
And it made a perfect pair of space boobs...
I still wouldn't be painting it.
What? You don't like my present?
Honey, I put a lot of thought into this.
I mean, it's a professional set.
Look! And you know what?
I really do appreciate that, cheryl.
I know the effort you go through.
It means a lot to me.
It's just that this gift is for someone else, you know?
Like... Like jacques.
Jacques?
Jacques-- your imaginary husband.
You know, the famous painter who's moist
And wears a sweater vest?
Is it so terrible that I want to encourage you
To try new things?
Cheryl, you don't want to encourage me.
You want to... You want to upgrade me.
Oh, i-i do not!
Yes, you do!
Honey, I know you live with jim,
But sometimes I think you fantasize
About living with jacques!
♪♪♪
(French accent) why?
Why do I try to capture perfection on canvas
When it is sitting right next to me?
(French accent) oh, jim-jacques,
You have given me the life beyond my wildest dreams.
Mon amour...
Please pass me the moisturizer.
I'm feeling a bit dry...
Like last night's chardonnay.
Oh, jim-jacques, make love to me--
Dirty french love.
No! No?
We must cuddle.
(Sighs)
Then... Make fun of the help.
(Laughs)
(Chuckles)
Oh, that's not how I see you. Oh, come on...
No, what I see is a man with a lot of potential
To do a lot of things.
Oh, cheryl, I hate that word "potential." Why?
That's the word that teachers used to say
Before they'd make me repeat a grade. Oh, jim...
And, honey, you do it every year.
Honest to god, one year, you gave me sailing lessons,
Then driving gloves,
Then an antique leather foot locker.
Come on.
Well, you use the foot locker.
Yeah, yeah--that's where I stash all of jacques' gifts.
Check out march-- beers from bosnia.
Whoa, with pretzels from herzegovina.
Uh-huh.
I guess things are looking up over there.
Yeah.
Hello, my young son. What do you got there?
Daddy, remember that moisture-sizer I gave you?
Yes.
That was really from mommy.
(Gasps) no kidding.
Don't worry about it. It's okay. That's what moms do.
For the record, I got my own gift.
But you guys have fun on opening day.
Andy.
I wanted to give you something just from me.
A stick.
How about that? A stick.
Happy birthday.
Thank you, my son.
I like this stick.
Come on, how cool is that kid?
Jim, it's a stick.
A monkey could drag in a stick.
Ow!
I like my stick.
Hey. Hey.
What's that?
A birthday present from kyle.
Oh, that is so sweet. Yeah.
Does it have bugs on it? I can put it in the garage.
No, no, no. You kidding me?
This is my birthday present.
I think it's got a lot of... Potential.
Oh.
(Bill withers) ♪ just the two of us ♪
♪ We can make it if we try ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
(Women) ♪ just the two of us ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ Building castles in the sky ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We look for love, no time for tears ♪
♪ Wasted water's all that is ♪
♪ And it don't make no flowers grow ♪
♪ Good things might come to those who wait ♪
♪ Not for those who wait too late ♪
♪ We gotta go for all we know ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ We can make it if we try ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
♪ Building them castles in the sky ♪
♪ Just the two of us... ♪
Aren't you afraid you're gonna get your precious stick wet?
Guys, thanks so much for watching the kids.
Jim and I never get to sneak out for a movie.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
We also came up with some fun activities for them to do.
Yeah.
We're gonna play "bank" and have 'em roll my coins.
Then we're gonna play "dry cleaner"
And have them iron uncle andy's shirts.
(Jim) hey, has anybody seen my keys?
Yeah, they're right here.
I'm not doing it.
(Stick rattling)
Thank you.
I like jim better this way. We never have to see him.
You know, I get that he doesn't like my gifts,
But he doesn't have to mock me
By pretending to love that stick.
Cheryl, he's not pretending. He loves that thing.
I even caught him looking through a book of names.
Hey, maybe for father's day, you should get him, like,
A -footer, and he could live across the street with andy.
Don't tempt me. You know what it is?
He thinks I'm trying to change him with my gifts.
I mean, I'm just trying to show him his true potential.
Cheryl, you're not alone in this thing, okay?
Jim's not exactly the brother-in-law
I fantasized about.
You fantasized about a brother-in-law?
In a manly way.
I mean... I man-tasized.
♪♪♪
Would you stop bumping into me?
You're lucky I even brought you here.
I'm so sorry. I'm just kind of intimidated.
I mean, this place is so cool.
Just don't embarrass me, okay?
The only reason why you're here
Is 'cause cheryl made me take you.
And I'm your best friend. Hey, not so loud.
Look.
Princess leia is checking you out.
Not surprising. The force is strong in me.
Hey, princess leia!
You wanna play with his light saber?
Knock it off, you dork! Sorry.
(Imitates darth vader) you have failed me for the last time.
No! No!
Who is your master now?
(Raspy breathing)
(Normal voice) sorry.
All right, dana, what would you change about jim?
I'd just clean him up a little.
♪♪♪
There she is.
There's dana!
My fab best friend.
You know, I was walking down michigan avenue.
I saw these.
And a light bulb went off and said, "dana!"
Nothing too good for
Dana-so-beautiful- it's-insane-a."
Jimmy choos? Jim!
Jimmy choos!
Those are expensive.
Hey, don't be a silly. It's only money.
So tell me about your day.
Oh, it was a nightmare. My hair's just a disaster.
Really? You should go to jonathan.
I thought we didn't like him. Oh, he's good again.
Yes.
That's great.
You know what? You could use some highlights.
I think so, too.
Okay, so in your fantasy, jim's gay?
Not gay, just someone who'd be my best friend
And go shopping and maybe see a show.
Fine--gay.
See, cheryl, the difference with us
Is we don't see a point in trying to change jim.
We can enjoy the fantasy and then live with
The disappointing but loveable reality.
(Jim) come on, cheryl, let's go! I don't wanna be late!
Get on the stick!
Hey, did you catch that? "Get on the stick"?
All right, you're not bringing that stick with us, are you?
Oh, the stick is definitely coming.
I mean, in the movie theater,
If we both have to go to the bathroom,
It can save our seats.
No, you can't bring a stick to the movies.
Why not? Because you look like a crazy person.
Hey, you want me to go in the kitchen
And make you a tinfoil hat?
Cheryl, if the stick don't go, I don't go.
What?
I am drawing the line in the sand.
Is that so?
Yes.
Cheryl, I may be speaking softly,
But look what I'm carrying.
I can't go to the movies
With a man who brings a stick.
I don't get it, baby. Why are you trying to change me?
I don't get it. What is wrong with change?
I mean, don't people diet and work out
And read books about new things?
Who are you talking to?
You talking to me?
Or were you talking to--to jacques...
The husband you wish you were with?
Oh, jim.
Cheryl, you know who likes me, rough edges and all?
The boy that gave me this stick.
He's .
Yeah, that's the great thing about kids, you know?
When they love you, they think you're perfect.
And then what we do as they grow up--
We teach them to find things that are wrong.
And you have been doing a great job with that. Oh, honey.
Hey, cheryl, I said it before. I'll say it again.
It's me. You get what you get.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Stick rattles)
Good night, my sweet love.
Hi, mom. Hey, mom.
Wow, what do you got there?
Pine cones.
We're gonna make a pine cone village
Where everyone gets along and there's peace. Aww.
Then we're going to burn it.
Okay, okay, you know what? No burning anything.
Hey, kyle? Kyle, sweetie, can I ask you something?
I'm kinda busy.
Hey, you want some candy?
Sure!
Listen, sweetie, um...
Why'd you get your daddy a stick for his birthday?
It was either that or mud.
Good choice.
Let me ask you something else.
When you picture daddy, like, in your dreams,
What do you see?
♪♪♪
And when you picture daddy, like, for real,
Not in your dreams, what do you see then?
♪♪♪
Wow, so there's nothing you'd change about your daddy?
Nope.
Really? Nothing?
I wish he'd take smaller bites of my dessert.
Hey.
Hey. How was the movie?
Well, it depends who you ask.
I liked it.
Not so much.
Hey, can we talk?
I'm kind of busy.
Do you want some candy? Sure.
So, um...
I took back the painting set.
And I got you something new.
Something that's actually for you, not for me
Or for jacques.
A rock?
Well, I thought it would go well with the stick.
Turn it over.
"Acceptance."
You found a rock with the word "acceptance" on it?
Oh, honey...
I really do want you to be who you are.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, you know, you're with a man
Who took a stick to the movies.
Did you buy the stick a ticket?
Well, it was before :. Sticks get in free.
So, honey, I am officially done trying to change you.
Oh, oh, oh, cheryl, please. What?
Come on, that's not gonna happen.
Well--
You are always gonna try to change me
At least a little bit,
And I don't mind that.
I mean, I don't mind trying turkey hot dogs.
But I'll never try soy hot dogs.
And let me tell you... The painting set was soy.
I get it. I get it. I do, honey.
And I get you, I swear.
And if you are a guy who loves his stick,
Then I am a woman who loves a guy who loves his stick.
Wow, bet no girl's ever written that in her diary.
Well, thank you, baby.
You're welcome. Gonna use your rock?
What do you mean, use it?
It's a rock.
I mean, it's a nice rock...
But it ain't no stick.
Thank you. Happy birthday, baby.
Thank you, honey.
(Instrumental music playing on tv)
Sweet!
Don't get jealous.