05x18 - Polite Jim

Episode transcripts for the TV show "According to Jim". Aired: October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.*
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A comedy following a suburban macho husband, wife and their three children.
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05x18 - Polite Jim

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, I gotsome lemonade here for you.

Now remember,

There's company here,so no peeing in the bushes.

Oh, man! I thoughtthis was a party.

♪♪♪

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Let me tell you, man,this party is driving me crazy.

Look at--look at willie over there,

Eating bean diplike it's his job.

Okay, take it easy.breathe in the meat smoke.

It always calms you. (Inhales)

Hey, jim.we are out of bean dip.

Oh, god.i can't stand these parties.

And you know what?

Every year,she has this barbecue,

And every year, I forgethow much I hate 'em

Until I'm heredoing this damn thing.

I mean, I can't stand people,and she knows that.

She knows it. I mean,i like the idea of people,

But I just don't like people.

Why can't she just havethis barbecue

And not invite me?

It's whateveryone else does.

Yeah.

I gotta sit here all afternoonand have these polite,

Phony conversations.

Aw, come on.they're not that bad.

Come on, they're horrible. No, what aboutmike chasen?

Mike chasen'sgonna come over here

And tell me a funny storyabout investment banking.

I like fay morgan.

Fay morgan? She invites usto dinner every year--

Every year--

And neverfollows through with it.

Forget it. Phony people.

And jody chen--how about her?

&Quot;ooh, my children arethe smartest children ever.&Quot;

I can't stand this.

Well, it's not like she canbrag about how cute they are.

Well... God went a little heavywith the ugly shaker.

Oh, andy.

Hmm.it needs more mayonnaise. Okay.

(Gasps) cheryl, you just putdish soap in the potato salad.

I'm sorry.

I'm so worried that jim'sgonna offend somebody,

I can't focuson anything else. Okay, here's a thought,

Have a neighborhood barbecueand don't invite him.

You know, it's like jim hasno natural politeness filter.

So I'm always havingto pull people

Out of conversations with himbefore he upsets 'em.

How do you do that?

Well... (Clears throat)today, I have a plan.

I'm gonna run in and say,"i heard a funny story.&Quot;

But you don't knowany funny stories.

I didn't sayit was a good plan.

Hello, jim.

Oh, hello, fay.

Social event of the season,as usual.

Mm-hmm.

Bob was so sorryhe couldn't be here.

Yeah, that's too bad. Yeah.

Bob's your husband, right?

(Laughs)

Here's your hot dogand off you go.

(Laughs)

You know, bob and I

Are so fondof you and cheryl.

The four of us

Have just got to gettogether for dinner.

(Inhales)

Look, fay, I gottatell you something.

Every year at the barbecue,you ask us to dinner,

And every year, you neverfollow through with it.

We don't have to have dinnertogether. Really, it's okay.

I like the relationshipthe way it is.

We see each other once a yearhere at the barbecue,

Because, really,i don't want to see you eat,

You don't want to see me eat,i don't want to see anybody eat.

Cheryl. Huh?

Jim is talkingto fay morgan.

What?

No!

Run, cheryl, run!

I heard a funny story!

(Squeaks)

(Sobs)

And off you go.





Well, another year,another ruined barbecue.

What--come on, come on,fay's not that upset.

Really?

(Crying)

Okay, okay.

Okay, she's upset.shut the door, please.

Shut the door.

What did you sayto her?

Nothing.i just told her the truth.

The truth?! Yes.

Jim, it's a barbecue.

It's hot dog, potato salad,and polite lies.

Cheryl, you knowi'm all about the truth.

Wh--you lie to metwice a day.

But you only catch metwice a day,

I'm--i'm in double digits.

Come on, you know fay.

She's always inviting usout to dinner.

Every year,she invites us to dinner,

And she doesn't mean it.

I just called her on it,that's all.

So they invited usout to dinner.

You nod,smile and move on.

No, cheryl.she's being disrespectful.

I don't see why I have to bea big phony about it.

You don't have to be phony,just don't be mean.

I wasn't mean.i was just being honest.

Okay, jim, you can be honestand kind at the same time.

I don't think so, cheryl.

No, I don't think so.

Sometimes, you have to bebrutally honest with people.

That's the only waythey get it.

But sometimes, you gottasuck it up and be polite

For minutes.

It's called"taking the high road.&Quot;

I hate the high road. Oh.

I love that low road.

It's noisy down there.it's honest.

People are beeping horns,cussing at each other.

I love it down there!

It smells of confrontationand arguing.

(Inhales)

I can smell itright now.

The traffic is stoppedand people are screaming.

I see red lights,brake lights,

People just givingeach other the finger.

Ohh!

It's beautifuldown there, baby.

And you know what?

It's only one way there,my way.

That is great.

That's great, honey.

Hey, let's check the trafficon the low road.

(Sobbing)

All right, all right,all right, all right, all right.

Shut the door. I get it.i get it. Don't do that.

(Sighs)

I get it, cheryl.i get it.

Seriously, i-i do.i feel bad.

I didn't wantto hurt the girl. I--

Okay, honey, I believe you.now fix it.

&Quot;fix it"?

Yes. How?

Well, how?

Honey, just showsome compassion.

Compassion?

Yes, compassion.

You know, on the low road,

They give tickets outfor compassion.

Oh, honey.

(Mouths words)

(Sighs)

(Sobs)

Crying, huh?

Well...

No... (Whispers)go back there.

Hey, fay.

(Sobs)

Fay, listen...

You know, all--all I was trying to say

Was that, you know,

Every year, you cometo the barbecue,

You invite us to dinner,

And you neverfollow through with it. B-but--

It's okay that you don'tfollow through with it

Because, you know what?

Our relationshipthe way it is is fine.

We don't need to be friends. (Sobs)

(Cheryl) jim. Jim. What--

Jim, honey, come here.come here.

(Sobbing)

Okay, honey,

You're saying the same thingthat made her cry.

You're just saying itin a softer voice.

I'm being compassionate.i'm being kind.

No, no.you're being quiet.

What do you want meto do?

Go charm her.

&Quot;charm her"? Yes.

I'm gonna needa beer for that.

Go, go.

Come on, fay. Oh! Oh!

Come on.don't be mad at me, fay.

Oh! Oh!

Come on. I didn't meanto hurt your feelings, fay.

Really, I'm sorry. I didn'tmean to hurt you, really.

You know,cheryl and I really,

You know, we--we wantto have dinner

With you and bob.

Oh.

Yes, now...

Off you go.

How's--how's this saturday?

&Quot;this saturday," what?

The four of us, dinner.

This saturday?

Well, fay,that's a little soon,

Don't you think?

I mean, do we have to puta date on it, really?

You don'twanna have dinner. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. No, no, fay.no, no, no, no, no.

Jim's not saying that.

Just--he doesn't wantto put you out. Yeah.

That's whywe'll have dinner here. What?

Yes. Saturday night,the four of us.

Oh, bob will be thrilled.

Oh!

Oh.

Uh, can I havethat beer now?





Now fay and bob

Are gonna come overto dinner.

And I know I'm gonnamake fay cry. I just know it.

Oh. Oh, what am I gonna do?

I'm the beacon of truthin a world full of lies.

Hey, it's justwho you are, jim.

You don't do small talk.you're a truth cop.

You know what? I don't knowhow to do small talk.

Hey, are you losing weight? Oh, a few pounds.

Bingo. That, my friend,is small talk.

That was totally insincere.

Oh, yeah.you look like crap.

Can you teach mesome of those little hooks,

Those little phrases? Sure, sure.

You just need a few of 'emto steer clear

Of any problem areas. Well, give me one.give me another one.

Okay, first,what do you normally say

When you interactwith people?

Uh, nothing.

I kinda wait tillthey're done talking

So I can tell 'emwhat idiots they are.

(Laughs) you'rea funny guy, jim.

Well, I liketo think so.

Bingo. Got you again.

You're good.you're good.

You know what? I'm gonnawrite some of these down.

You think I can be readyfor the party? Oh, sure.

Smart, good-lookin' guylike you

Can do anything ifhe puts his mind to it. Well, thank you, andy.

Bingo.

This is gold.

You know what, andy?i am so glad you're here. Oh, thank you.

Bingo. Oh!

Ahh!

Yo. Shh, shh, shh,shh, shh.

(Whispers)what are you doin'?

I'm watching my dreamscome true.

(Normal voice)jim's moving out?

Andy is teaching jimhow to be polite.

You're kidding.is it working? No. Yes!

Look.

(Jim chuckles)

This is a delightful party.

(Chuckles)let's do it again,

Perhaps at my house.

Yes!

Seriously, how is andydoing that?

Does he have a car batteryhooked up to jim's nads?

Oh, bob, fay... Hi.

I am so gladyou could make it.

This is for you. Thank you.

Look at that hathe's wearing.

That is ridiculous!and I'm gonna tell him.

No, no. Easy. No, no, no.

Look at how stupidthat hat is.

Nobody should be wearinga hat like that.

He's got to know that.

Okay, damn it, jim,this is what we trained for.

What are you gonna do,throw those minutes away?

Bob, fay, I thinkyou know my brother andy.

Ah, yes, I met fayat the barbecue.

We fought overthe last piece of cake.

(Laughs)

It was delicious,by the way.

Oh. Well, uh, dinner'sgonna be ready very soon.

But we haveabout a half an hour

To sit and chat,so please sit down.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Half an hour to chat?(Chuckles)

Come on, cheryl. Why did we buythat microwave oven?

Hey, bob...

Did you lose some weight?

Actually, yeah.

I was in the hospitalwith a bad case of colitis.

Wow. Well, whateveryou're doin', keep it up.

You look great.

Bingo?

Keep swingin',you'll hit one.

Well, I am just so gladwe're finally doing this.

We are glad, too.we just love you guys.

Oh, we love you, too.

Right, jim?

Uh, yes.i love you, fay.

I love you, bob.

Thanks. In fact, fay and iwere just saying

How much we'd liketo have you both up

To our lake housefor a weekend. Yeah.

Your lake house? Wow.did you hear that, jim?

Fay and bob would like tohave us to their lake house.

What a wonderful...

Delightful invitation.

(Jim) i--we...

Would...

Love...

To join you.

Yes!

Well, I'm gonna gocheck on dinner.

And I just knowwhen I come back,

We'll still be invitedto that lake house.

Won't we, honey? (Chuckles)

You're so funny, cheryl.

Yeah. You knowi'm not joking.

(Groans)

You're a contractor,aren't you, jim?

Yes, bob, i, uh,i am a contractor.

Do you likecontractor jokes?

You mean the kindthat paints guys like me

In a horrible light?

Love 'em!

(Bob chuckles)

And god says,"i'd like to help you out,

But we don't haveany contractors up here.&Quot;

(Fay and bob laughing)

Get it?

They're unscrupulous,

And therefore,they're all in hell. I get it.

(Bob, fay and andy laugh)

I get it.

Hey, jim,bob's a funny guy.

And you love him,don't you?

I love you, bob.

I love you, fay.

Jim...

Jim, I just--i have to tell you

How sorry I amfor crying the other day.

What, you feel bad? Why wouldyou feel bad about crying?

Well, lately everylittle thing makes me cry.

Her cat passed away, and it--it's really hit her hard.

You mean...

It wasn't my faultthat you were crying?

You were cryingbecause your cat d*ed?

Well... Yeah.

That's great! Oh!

I mean, you know,not about your cat.

That's a tragedy. (Andy) oh, yeah.

Poor thing--

Cut down in her primeby some reckless driver.

We never saidshe was hit by a car.

Oh.

Then I don't knowanything about it.

And off I go.

Didn't cheryl tell you?

I came over the other dayto apologize.

You did?

Yeah.

I brought a pie.

There was pie involved?

Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Cheryl knewit wasn't my fault,

And she kept it from me,

Along with the pie.

What kind of piewas it?

Apple.

America's pie?

Well, I brought it overto thank you

For being honest with me.

Why would you thank mefor being honest?

Well, you were right.

I have this problem withmaking insincere invitations.

No, no, no, fay,we both do.

You're the only onewho's cared enough

To call us on it.

You're like--you're likea beacon of truth.

So I was rightfrom the beginning.

From the beginning,i was right.

(Chuckling evilly)

Well, my dear friends,

How would you like to gofor a ride on the low road?





(All laughing)

Oh, this wasjust marvelous, cheryl.

So tell usabout that lake house.

Oh, it's just beautiful...

And so romantic.

Do you twolike hot tubbing?

Well--

Do we!

Well, we have onethat's big enough for four.

Barely.

We'll be dancingcheek to cheek.

Uh... What elseis there to do up there?

Is there hiking or--

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's a lovely hikeup to the liquor store.

We load up on wine,and then back to the hot tub.

Where bathing suitsare optional.

Hey, they're not optional.they're forbidden.

(Fay laughs)

No bathing suits?

Well, that saves timeand packing.

What a great idea.

Yeah, and whenwe have tubby time,

I call the seatnext to you.

Bob, you're a funny guy.

(Jim laughs)

And that's not evenhis best feature.

You'll see.

Uh, jim, honey... Yeah.

I could really useyour help with the dessert.

Oh, all right,all right.

All right.we'll be right back.

I hope you like pudding. (Cheryl) it's flan!

Hey... I really likethis bob and fay.

Jim, this lake house thingis freaking me out.

I am not walking nude

Through the woodsto the liquor store.

Well, why don't you juststay in the hot tub with bob,

And I'll do the beer runwith fay?

Okay, you watchenough cable tv

To know that these peopleare swingers.

You know what?i think you're right.

Yes.so what are you gonna do?

Serve 'em dessert,i guess.

What?

Well, it would be rudenot to at this point.

I-i want youto throw them out.

What, throw them out?

Cheryl, come on,that's not kind.

Who said you needto be kind?

You saidyou got to be kind.

You told me that I shouldbe able to suck it up

For minutesand be polite at any party.

Well, this is a partyand I'm being polite.

That's right. You're right.i did say that.

I guess I forgot to mentionthat it doesn't count

If they're tryingto get in our pants!

Cheryl, I am notgonna make fay cry again.

Oh, honey, yeah,make fay cry.

No, cheryl. Make fay cry.

Cheryl-- go make fay cry.make her cry.

Cheryl, stop it.stop it. Make her cry.

Take the high road,damn it.

So, uh...

Have you twolost weight?

Jim!

These freaks are nakedin our living room,

Where our childrenwatch cartoons.

(Whispers) cheryl,they can hear you.

Yes, jim, they can hear me.i want them to hear me.

And I want themto get out! Cheryl--

We don't care aboutyour stupid lake house.

We don't care aboutyour stupid hot tub.

Get your foundation garmentsand your man boobs

And get out!

Go! Go! Go!

Let's do this againsometime.

&Quot;let's do this again"?

Yes.

What is wrong with you?!

Well, I don't want fayto get upset.

She's been really botheredsince her cat d*ed.

Oh, her cat dieda week ago.

I know, but I didn'tknow that yet

Because you didn't tell me.

Those dishesare not gonna wash themselves.

Freeze, blondie.

You set me up!

No, no, you set me up!

How long were you gonnalet me hang out there to dry?

As long as it takes, jim.

Jim, I wantto have barbecues.

I want to havechristmas parties.

I want progressive dinners!

I want apple pie!

I want my pants!

Hey...

Were you guys in on this?

(Fay) yes. Gotcha!

I'm sorry about that"man boobs" thing, bob.

Oh, no, no.that's all right.

A few push-upswouldn't k*ll me.

Hey, bob, can youhold on a second?

Because my wife hereis trying to explain to me

Why she lied to me.

Because I wantedpolite jim.

I love polite jim.

I can take polite jimto parties.

Cheryl, but you wantedhonest jim

To throw these people outof our house tonight.

Well, I don't see whyi don't get to pick

Which jim I want.

Pick which jim you want? Yes.

Honey, I'm not a sweater.

Cheryl, you justhave to accept the fact

That I'm an honest guy.

And I may rub peoplethe wrong way once in awhile.

And for the record,you know what?

Bob and fay were actually--

They were happy thati was truthful with them.

Right, bob, fay? Oh, come on.

(Fay) yes. He said exactlywhat I needed to hear.

He changed our lives.

I changed their lives.

Hmm?

All right, all right,i surrender, I surrender.

You can choose our friendsfrom now on.

All right.

Hey, guys, that was great.

Oh, what great sportsyou are. That was lots of fun.

But the truth is, cheryl,we're not swingers.

But we are nudists.

And off you go.
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