So how was karate class?you break any boards?
No. We traded stickers.
Then we talked about boysand had lemonade.
Wait a second,wait a second.
You're telling mekarate class is like school,
But I'm payin' bucksan hour for it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, jim, jim,
I gotta lock upand teach a class downtown.
Could you do me a favorand watch justin?
His dad'll be hereany minute.
Oh, uh, yeah,you know what?
Favors aren't reallymy thing.
I'll give your kidstwo free classes. Okay.
Oh, thanks, jim.you're great.
Hi, justin! Hi, justin!
Easy.
All right, why don't we giveyour dad a call right now?
What's his number?
Speed dial two.
Oh, I don't think so.
&Quot;speed dial two" is pizza...but you know what?
We can call 'em and seeif they'll pick you up.
♪♪♪
What time is it now?
Ah, don't worry, buddy.
Your dad's just an hour late,just an hour.
A whole hour.
He's not coming.
Hey, don't think like that. He forgot me.
Don't think like that.think positive.
Maybe he got in an accident. Daddy!
Well...
Look, one time, my dadwas three hours late,
And everythingturned out fine.
But your dad leftand never came back.
Never?
(Inhales deeply)
Well...no, no, no, he didn't.
But you know what?that was a different time.
Ditchin' your kidwas fashionable back then,
Not like now.
You said it ruinedyour family forever.
Aren't we attentivelittle listeners?
Look, my dad was a piece of crapand he ran off on me.
Your dad is just late.
Are you sure?
I'm positive.
I'll tell you what--gimme that.
You don't worryabout a thing, all right?
I'm gonna write downall my information,
I'm gonna leave it onthe door here for your dad...
And then all of us are gonnago home, get some ice cream
And some cookies
And we got a big, soft unclewe can practice karate kicks on. Okay.
Come on!
(Yelling)
(Andy) stop it! Ow! Ow!
Jim, did you tell the kidsthat they could hit andy?
(Chuckles) yeah.
You want me to tell 'emto stop?
(Chuckles) no. Thank you.
Yeah, real cool, three on one.i could take any of you alone!
(Doorbell rings)
Hey, did you tell 'emthey could hit me?
Hey, I'm payin'for karate class,
They better hit somebody.
Hi, we're justin's parents.i am so sorry we're late.
Oh, no problem.come in, come in!
There was a big accidenton the eisenhower.
Well, we're just happyyou're okay. Justin's fine.
He's in the kitchenplaying with our kids.
My name's heatherand this is bill.
Well, I'm cheryl.it's great to meet you both.
Nice meeting you,and now that the introductions
Are out of the way,mind if I use the can? Bill.
What? I been stuck in a carfor two hours.
I gotta take a leak. Absolutely, absolutely.
Right back down that hall,and it's on your right.
See? No big deal.
Come on in. Heather, this ismy husband jim, my brother andy. Hi.
Hi-de-ho.
Oh, I am so embarrassed,first, we're two hours late,
And then bill asksto use the can.
Oh, please. Jim would havejust peed in the bushes. (Laughs)
I can't believe it.
What? She's right. You wouldhave peed in the bushes.
No. That guy bill. Yeah?
That's my father.
Wait, wait,
Justin's fatheris your father?
Yeah.
Are you sure?it's been years.
Oh, it's him.of course it's him.
He's got the same face,the same voice,
He's probably even wearin'the same shirt!
It's him.
Wow. What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
I guess the same thing i--
I do with every guestthat comes here--
I'll watch tv untilthey get the hint and leave.
Jim, no, wait,
This is your chance, man.
Fate has--has brought himto your bathroom
And pulled down his pants.
Now, okay, I know a swirliecan't make up
For years of neglect,
But it's one hellof a start.
Andy, he didn'teven recognize me,
And I want to keep itthat way. No, go--
No, no, no, please,keep your mouth shut, okay?
I don't wantto talk about it.
Just be cooluntil they split.
God, I'm torn.
I mean, yeah, on the one hand,i want to protect my best bud.
Thanks. But on the other hand,
I really want to put itto your stepmom.
Just keep your mouth shut.
(Footsteps approach)
Wow. I came this closeto peeing in the bushes.
Lucky for your petunias,the wife stopped me.
Sir, you are ina christian home.
Your bathroom humoris not welcome here.
Oh. I'm sorry.
I guess the big bookof bathroom humor
Next to the crapperthrew me off.
Anyway, thanks for taking careof the boy for me.
Hey, I've never done anythinglike that before in my life.
(Chuckles) right.
Of course you haven't, bill.
You don't mind if I call youbill, do you, billy?
Do we have a problem here?
Maybe we do.
Why? Because I left my sonfor a couple of hours?
Try years,billy-billy-bo-billy--ooh!
Look, years...
Oh, my god.
Jim?
Good lord, no. Him.
Jimmy.
You're grown.
Yeah.
So, um, how are you?
Good, good, how you doin'?
I'm doin' fine, fine. Good, good.that's good to hear.
We've gotta do thisagain sometime.
Sure, sure, sure.
Boo-yah.
Heather, justin,we're leaving.
(Justin) daddy!
(Cheryl)that is just amazing.
Jim, heather and ihave so much in common.
Yeah, we're both aries,we're both russell crowe fans,
And what else?
That's about it.
We'll see you friday night. Great!
Friday? What?
Yeah, yeah, I invited themto our school carnival.
Won't that be fun?
(Heather) bye.
(Cheryl) oh, it was justso great to meet you. I know.
So we'll talk beforehandand then we'll go friday. That sounds great.bye. Bye.
Okay, great. Bye.
(Whispering) isn't thatgonna be a little awkward,
You know,since he's your dad?
What are you smilin' about?
You kiddin'?i'm in my wheelhouse.
I've always hadgreat luck with carny chicks.
I thought one of themstole your flat screen tv.
My fault. Yeah.i brought her home.
She said,"the parking lot's fine,"
But sadly, mother raised meto be a gentleman.
(Gasps) jim.
Jim, that one'sgot all her teeth.
In the carny world,that's called "kissin' pretty.&Quot;
Jim. Jim.
I won this overat the ring toss.
I don't think justin'llgo for it, so, uh, here.
Oh, thanks, but I don't thinka gay bunny
Is gonna fix youditchin' me when I was .
Oh, no, no, no,i--you know...
I was, uh, thinking,maybe, you know,
You could give itto ruby or gracie.
That's a very sweet thought,bill.
Here you go.
Will you pleasestop busting my chops?
I just want to do something nicefor my granddaughters.
Whoa, whoa, bill, you can'tcall them your granddaughters.
You're not their grandfather.
All right, you're justa father with a boy
Who my girls happento have a crush on,
Which, by the way,we gotta put a stop to that.
Absolutely.
Dad, they got these coolgiant sumo suits!
Can you and me wrestle?
Sure. Anything for my son.
Hey, jim, jim, they got thesecool giant sumo suits.
Can you and me wrestle?
What happenedto the carny chick?
Oh, that's locked and loaded.i gave her keys to my house.
We're gonnameet up there later.
Andy,she's gonna rip you off!
No, no, no, no, not this one.she's different.
Her friend the psychic saidi have nothin' to worry about.
Come on, come on,can we go wrestle?
No, no, no. Bill'sgonna be over there.
I don't wannaget near the guy.
Look at me.oh, god, I'm sorry. It's all right.
Here you are hurtin'and I'm chasin' carmel apples
And carny tail.
Come here, you, huh?come on.
Gimme some"brokeback mountain.&Quot;
Come on, come on, come on,come on, come on!
I'm gonna wrestle you!come on, let's go!
I'm gonna take you downright now!
I can't help thinkingabout the poor people
Who have to cleanthese suits tonight.
So when is uncle andygonna put his sumo suit on?
Get it?do you guys get it?
(Andy grunts)
Ohayo-gozaimasu.
What the helldoes that mean?
&Quot;a pleasant good morning.&Quot;
I know that and how to askfor "the special massage.&Quot;
(Both grunt)
Ooh!
Oh, I feel like we sawthis show at sea world.
Yeah, and once again, we're inthe splash zone. Let's go.
(Both grunt)
(Laughs) ohh! Ohh!
Ooh, ahh, little one,we meet again.
Oh, you want a pieceof me?
(Grunts)
Hey, andy!
Oh.
Okay, jimmy, take your pick.
We could talkor we could wrestle.
Uh, jimmy, I didn't literallymean wrestle.
I mean it as a joke! (Yells)
Aah! Whoa!
Come on, get up.
Fine. We don't have to talk.
Just help me upand I'll leave you alone.
Aw, get up yourself! Come on, come on,give me a hand!
I'll leave you alone.
Ohh! Hey!
(Grunts)
What the helldo you want with me?!
Five seconds! Just stophating me for five seconds. No!
Yes! Look, your dadwas a bad guy.
He was young and he was stupidand he was selfish,
But--but justin's dadis different!
Yeah,"justin's dad's different.&Quot;
Well, good for justin.
It's gonna be great for him.you know why?
'Cause he's gonna have a dadat his little league games
And his football gamesand his high school graduation
When I had an empty seat!
I was at your high schoolgraduation!
You were?
Yeah, I couldn'ttell your mother I was there,
But I was there! I wasunderneath the grandstand
At the other endof the football field.
Nothing and nobodywas going to keep me
From seeing my son graduatehigh school, nothing!
Was it day or night?
Day. Night!
Damn!
You haven'tchanged one bit!
I have, really, jimmy!
When i--when I met heatherand we got married
And then we had justin,i started to pull it together.
Yeah? Well, if you pulled ittogether, if that's true,
Why didn't you give mea call?
Why didn't you tryto find me?
Why didn't you try to seeif I was okay?
If I was dead or alive,you didn't even look for me!
What was I gonna do? I'm gonnapick up the phone and say,
&Quot;i'm sorry, son, I ran outon you, and I left you flat.&Quot;
I just... I thought it wouldbe better for you this way.
Oh, thanks, dad. Thanks formaking that decision for me.
All is forgiven now,all right?
Here, why don't yougive me a hug?
Come on, give your sonjimmy a big hug, dad!
Come on!
Justin, um...
Justin!
(Jim sighs)
Hey.
Hey.
Okay, cheryl,that was my dad.
So we're here now.
Get your emotional crowbar outand pry open my guts,
And let's see howjim's feelin'.
I thought you mightlike a cup of coffee.
Oh.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
The last time I saw him,i was .
It was a saturday morningand, uh, I was on the porch,
Bouncin' my superball--you remember those?
And I heard my dad's--
That maroon el camino of his--
It fired right up, you know?
Anyway, he backed out ofthe driveway,
Pulled into the street,and he stopped.
I turned and I waved to him.
He waved back...
And smiled.
He smiled...
And then he was gone.
Why did he smile?
I mean, he knewhe was never comin' back.
What was he smiling about,cheryl?
I don't know.
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby...
That sucks.
Yeah.
But look at you now.
I mean... You arenothing like him.
Maybe because he left,
You learned to take careof yourself
And your mom and your sisterand us.
I mean, honey...
You takesuch good care of us.
Hey, cheryl?
(Whispers) yeah?
You know what?
The--the next timemy father abandons me
And shows up years later...
Yeah?
Two sugars.
(Laughs)
Yes. Two sugars.
Whoo. Where are the kids?i'm b*at.
Dana took them to get hot dogsand then to the bouncy house.
Ooh. They're ridin' homein her car.
Come on, justin, you knowyou're my best buddy.
Look, I love you too much toeven ever think about leaving.
Hey, who would I watchthe sox games with, huh?
Here, go ahead without me.
Okay.
Hey, justin.
Want some cotton candy?
You know, I bought itfor andy.
And he'll get really madif I give it to you, so here.
He's a little too upsetfor cotton candy.
Maybe it's just me.
Why don't you give mea sh*t?
(Sighs)
Rough day, huh, kid?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know,a long time ago,
Your dad did somethingreally, really stupid.
But people change...
And he loves you.
Cut him a break.
Hey, he's not goin' anywhere.
And if he does,
You got an older brotherthat's gonna kick his ass.
Hey, dad,
Can we go on the slide?
You try and stop me.
I'll go get in line.
Thanks.
Yeah, well...i didn't do it for you.
I did it formy little brother.
I guess that's alli'm gonna get from you. That's what you get.
Well, I'll take it.
And I meant what I said. What's that?
You make me a liarin front of that boy,
And I'll comeand kick your ass.
You know where to find me.
So if I give youmy a.t.m. Card,
You'll pick up some beerand have dinner waitin'?
(Chuckles)
Daddy, do we have to leave?
Mommy says you want to leavebecause you're tired.
I want to play some more.
Well, where did mommyget that idea?
I want to stayand play all night!
(Children) yay!
Let's go on the swing ride!
Ohh.
You know, one timeon the swing ride,
I threw upin a perfect circle.
(Both laugh)