Man, all those timeswe ran out of propane
Before our steaks were done,never thought
Of hooking directlyinto the house's gas line.
Yeah, well,all those other times,
We weren'tdrinking beer, either.
All right okay.
Ready? Uh-huh.
Damn it.
Turn the gas on? Well, yeah, it's the house.
(Screaming)
Oh, my god!
Are you thinkingwhat I'm thinking?
Turn it on its side,we got ourselves a rocket car? Yes!
♪♪♪
You know, kyle,for a father and son,
There is nothing likethe first time
They raceslot cars together.
Daddy, can cows swim?
(Breathes deeply)
Kyle, it's the same answeras yesterday--
Only when they have to.
Ready... Set...
Go!
Oh.
Crash! Kyle...
Boom! Aah!
I'm dying! Help me!
(Keys play discordantly)
Aah! Kyle! Kyle!
Aah! Kyle! Kyle!
Aah!
Nice racing carswith you, my son!
Hey.
Hey, cheryl.can cows swim?
I don't care. Oh.
Hey, where's andy?
I thought you guys hadthe andy-anapolis today. Yeah, we did.
But then he rememberedhe had a doctor's appointment.
You know what?he's been on this health kick
Ever since he had thosechest pains. I don't get it.
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna do a few pagesin our holiday scrapbook later.
Wanna help me? I'm bored, cheryl.i'm not somebody else.
All right, fine,well, if you're so bored,
Would you mind taking thisover to dana for me?
Fine. Thank you.
Aah! Oh, no,my car's on fire!
You wannatake kyle with you?
I'm burning to death!my skin!
I don't know.he seems a little busy...
And a little weird.
Hey, doc. Hey, jim.
Oh, my dress.thank you.
Yeah, I just want youto know that that stain
Was on therebefore I stopped for coffee.
Jim, it's still wet.
Weird.
Ugh.and the strap is torn.
Yeah, well,that was torn
Before I slammed itin the car door.
Sorry.
(Loudly) what time is it?
It's ch-ch-ch-chess time!
You're up.
Andy?
Oh, uh... H-hey, buddy.
Andy, what are youdoing here?
I thought you wereat the doctor. I am.
He's a gynecologist.
A really versatile one.
Okay, okay, look.
Don't get the wrong idea,all right?
I know it looks likesomething else,
But believe me,we're just playing chess.
Just playing chess?
Then what are yousneaking around for?
Can you answerthat question, doc?
Oh, I don't know, jim--maybe if you played chess
With andy at homea little more often,
He wouldn't have to comearound here looking for it.
Yeah, well, maybe I'dplay more chess with him
If it wasn't the stupidest gamein the whole world!
It is not the stupidest gamein the whole world! Oh, yeah, right, you're right.
It's the gayest! Oh, come on...
Come on, guys, please!can't we be civil here?
All right, you're right,you're right, you're right.
Are you wearingryan's sweatpants?
Um... Yeah,i spilled something.
Coffee. Orange juice.
Orange juice. Coffee.
(Both) decaf latte with justa little bit of foam.
(Both laughing)
So is this the reason that youmissed bowling the other night?
No, no... Yeah.
And why you left early
During the "planet of the apes"marathon?
You probably didn't even havethe chest pains, did you?
No, no, those were real.
I don't know whatthat was all about.
Probably gas.
You hadchest pains, andy?
Okay, you know what? That's it.i'm taking your blood pressure.
As long as youdon't do it rectally.
Not if you werestuffed full of gold.
Hey, hurry back.
You are moves awayfrom complete destruction.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-chess time!
What the hell'sgoing on here, man?
All right, you're right.look, I lied.
Well, what are youlying for?
Why can't you tell methe truth?
Well, because, jim,
It's not always easyto tell you the truth.
What do you mean?i'm easy as pie, man.
Jim, sometimes...you're a little confrontational.
Me? Confrontational? Yeah.
Come on!come on, try me. Try me.
No-- try me!
Sometimes you'rea little overwhelming,
And I gotta tell you,you can be mean.
Wrong! You're wrong!you're absolutely wrong!
See? Confrontational!
I'm only being confrontationalbecause you're a big jerk!
Oh, fine, okay.you know what?
This jerkneeds a break from you.
(Mockingly) oh,andy wants a break from jim.
Oh, yeah. You need a break from me, huh?
Yeah, crazy, isn't it?
I mean, most people liketo get yelled at all the time!
Well, why don't youhang around
With your little buddyryan there?
All he yells is"ch-ch-ch-ch-chess time!&Quot;
(Ryan) ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chess time!
You know what, jim?that's a great idea.
Maybe I will. Maybe I'll justhang out with ryan more often.
And you--you have funhanging out by yourself.
I'm not gonnahang out by myself.
I won't haveto hang out by myself.
Yeah, you will, jim,and here's why. Why?
I'm your only friend,and you know it.
Come on!
I got a pizzafor dr. Ryan gibson.
Great.
They'll pay inside.
And they're off.
Jim is leading jimby a nose.
They're coming inabout a quarter-mile,
And then jim--jim'staking the lead from jim!
Jim's taking the lead from jim!now jim's coming up on jim!
He's coming up closer!oh, no, jim is leading!
Oh, my god, we're cominginto the final trap,
And jim beats jim...by a nose!
Go, jim!
Jim.
Hey. Hi.
Can I play?
Really? You?
Yeah. Just 'cause I'm a girldoesn't mean I can't race cars.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I am gonna kick your ass!
Are you mad at me?
No, honey, it's just a...never mind, never mind.
Okay, ready? Yeah.
Set...
Okay. Go!
Cheryl,what are you doing?
Driving safely.
Cheryl, you gotta go faster.i am lapping you.
No, slow and steadywins the race.
It's like the tortoiseand the hare.
Your guy is gonnaget really tired.
See? Ah, I got past you!
Slow and steady!
Can't play with you.
Well, then I guess you'rejust gonna have to wait
Till andy's doneplaying chess with ryan.
Ryne-o,the stupid gyne-o.
Okay, look, honey.
Why don't you just admit thatyou're jealous of ryan?
Well, he does get to seea lot of naked women.
But he saysit's much different in--
No! No!
Jealous of all the timehe's spending with andy. What?
You know, it's okaythat you miss him.
I don't miss him!i don't miss him!
He just... He wantsto take a break from me.
And you know what?i wanna take a break from him.
Him and his optimism
And his look on life,his cheery attitude--
Makes me sick!
Okay. Hey, you wanna callone of the guys in the band?
No. They're okay as a group.
But individually,they're a little creepy.
Every timei shake tony's hand,
He holds on to itjust a little too long.
Freaks me out.
Hey, you know what?
Kyle's friend jacksonis coming over to play.
I'm gonna calland have his dad bring him.
Oh, kevin? Yeah.
He doesn't even know me.
Yes, he likes you. He does?
Yeah.
Well, what'd he say? He said he likes you.
He said that? Yeah.
What were his exact words?
Well, I think he said, um,
That he'd see you aroundsometime.
That doesn't meanhe likes me!
Oh, all right, fine!i'm lying!
But maybe if weget him over here,
You guys will hit it off... Oh, come on, cheryl.
It's bad enough you're tryingto put me on a play date.
Now it's a blind play date?
Well, look, you seem lonely.
Lonely?
What's lonely about a grown manplaying slot cars by himself?
I don't know--the "by himself" part.
The "grown man" part.
You know, really,the "slot car" part.
Oh, that's it!i'm outta here! Where are you going?
I am going to a barcalled stevie b's,
Where they have sports,beer and ribs.
So, lady,you clean up this house,
Do something with your hair,
Because I'm coming homewith a man!
Hey, how you doing? It's going okay.
Yeah, cool.
Well, actually,i'm not, uh...
(Laughing)
(Laughing)
What's going on?
Nothing. I just thoughtwhat you said was really funny.
What was?
You know, what you said.
Did you even hearwhat I said?
No.
Huh. But you laughed, anyway?
See you, guys.
Later.
Rough day?
Yeah, pretty bad.
I'll buy you a beer.
Can I get another onefor my friend here?
Wings, man. That's great.that's just terrific.
Thank you. Hi, I'm jim.
Henry. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Here you go. Oh, great.
That's reallynice of you, man.
I tell you, jim,
I've got a wholenew outlook on life
Since my boyswon the series last year.
Sox fan?
Cubs fan?
Yeah.i'm keeping the beer. Choke on it.
Hello. Hi.
I've been watching you.
Uh-huh.
You seem a little lonely.
And a little cute, too.
Why don't youbuy me a drink?
Oh, no, thanks, I'm onlyinterested in guys tonight.
Hey, pal, could youchange it to espn classic?
Yeah, there's a chess matchmy buddy and I wanna see.
Chess?!
That's it! That's it!
You know what?
All you guys think thatyou're such good friends, huh?
Well, you're notgood friends.
Because when the beer runs outand the game is over,
What do you got?you got nothing!
That's right,you may work together,
You may be married tohis sister, but you know what?
You're all replaceable!
I'm sorry,are you talking to us?
Boobs!
And then you just have to findthe lowest common denominator.
And here he is now.
What are you doing?
I'm helping rubywith her homework.
No, that'sa parent's job, dana.
We're doing fractions.
Carry on.
Oh, ruby,your friend emily called.
She won't be ableto skate with you tomorrow.
Oh, man, she never goesskating with me anymore.
I bet she's playingwith gina.
I thought you and emilywere best friends.
I thought so, too,but now emily and gina
Are hanging out all the time,and I have nobody to play with.
That stinks.
I mean, emily and I have beenbest friends forever.
But when she plays with gina,
It really, reallyhurts my feelings.
That's terrible.
What should I do?
Yeah, dana,what should she do?
Should she punchstupid emily in the nose?
No.
Should she break inher house at night
And shave offall her hair?
Jim! They're .
Have you tried being friendswith both of 'em?
That's never gonna work.
Yeah, dana, come on, you shouldknow better than that.
All right, well,the other thing you could do
Is be really,really nice to gina.
You know, invite her over,have fun with her.
Have so much fun with herthat emily will get jealous,
And she'll want you back.
I don't know.it seems kind of childish.
Not if it works!
Man, I forgothow much fun these are.
Yeah, this is fun.
I like having fun,don't you?
Yeah.
I mean,fun is... Just... Fun.
Hey, you want some chips?
I don't know.are they "fun" chips?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
That's hysterical!hilarious!
I'll go get some.
Okay, are you readyto call uncle andy?
Yep. Which one are we doing--
Bad medical newsor fake radio contest?
I think youshould call him
And tell him mommymade some macaroons,
And there's only one left,and you're gonna eat it.
It should make himcome running. Okay.
Which of these chipslook like fun chips?
You're kidding, right?
That one.
Yeah, of course!
Of course, of course.i love you.
(Gruff voice) hey, ryan,
Take as many of meas you can.
You can have some chips,can't ya?
You know, any friend of jim'sis a friend of mine.
Okay, you're, like, what,five beers ahead of me?
Ha ha ha ha!
(Normal voice)i think so. Oh, I'm sorry!
Would you like to wearsome of my sweatpants?
No. (Loud thud on door)
What the hell?
(Singsong voice)who is it?
(Andy) it's me.why is the door locked? Oh.
Sorry, ryan. Excuse me...
Buddy, partner of mine.
Hey.
I know cheryl baked macaroons,so either let me in
Or slide 'em throughthe mail slot, but hurry up!
I gotta be caller ten ifi'm gonna win that side of beef.
(Grunts)
What's up, andy?
H-hey, ryan.wh-what are you doing here?
Oh, he's just hanging out herelike he always does,
'Cause we're totallyinto each other.
Wait, wait, I thought we wereplaying chess today.
No, jim said you had to work,so he invited me over
For stock car racingand talking chips.
You did talking chips with him?what the hell?
Hey, man, we're just havinga little fun--
Nay, a lot of fun.
Am I right,ryne-o the gyne-o?
Okay, that's the third time,and hopefully, the last.
See, jim,you're creeping him out.
Come on, ryan.let's ditch this loser.
I'm not a loser.you're the loser
'Cause you actually thinkthis guy digs you.
He digs me a hell of a lotmore than you!
Oh, yeah, well,what's he doing in my house?
He's leaving, that's what.
No one stealsmy new best friend. No, no, no, he's my best friend.
Come on! No, he's not!he's mine!
Guys, my arm!i just heard something pop.
Shut up! Shut up!
Come on! Let go of him, jim!he's mine!
Come on, let go of him!let go of him!
Let go of my friend! All right.
You want some of that? You guys!come on, guys!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Grunts)
Guys, come on!
Come on, jim!bring it...
Guys, guys, separate!guys, separate!
Ouch! Get off of me, jim! I got him! I got him!
Get off of me! (Grunting)
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
(Both screaming)
All I wanted to dowas play chess.
And I'm gonnakeep playing chess,
Except with my normal friends
Who don't act like -year old girls.
Oh, and foryour information,
My best friendis my wife.
(High-pitched voice)"my best friend is my wife.&Quot;
(Snorts)
That is so gay!
So... There areno macaroons?
No macaroons.
Wanna play slot cars?
I want the chipsto ask me.
(Gruff voice)i'm gonna kick your ass!
You're gonnahave to catch me first!
(Normal voice) all right,ready... Set... Go!
Hey, listen, andy.you know what?
If you need meto back off...
Just ask me.
And if you get jealousof me and ryan
Spending time together,just tell me.
Guys don't get jealous.
Besides, you're notmy best friend.
I'm not? No.
(High-pitched voice)my wife's my best friend.
(Both laughing)
Hey, after the race,
You wanna go to the bar,get a drink? Cool.
(Both laughing)
(Laughing)
That was pretty funny.
What was?
You know, what he just said.
Did you even hearwhat we said?
No.
(Laughing)
To good friends! Yeah!